What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked at for most of his life.

A huge heart ... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,...
......
'I'm so sorry ... I was just thinking of my own funeral ...
I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted.....>>>>>

[Juniper]

What's black and white, and can't turn around in an elevator?

A penguin with a spear in it's back.

[Juniper]

This is a compilation of titles that most publishers won't touch. Only a few of these are my original creation. Please add your own to the list.

The first one is a real title:
Go the Fuck to Sleep
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G17wQR3DL0

"Speak and I'll Punch You In The Gut" - a little book of manners

"Dexter's First Suspension"

"Dead Baby Animals" (collectors edition)

"Barfy, the Bulimic Bovine"

"The Bailout Tree"

"Nobody Else Poops"

"Little House on Stolen Land"

"The Boy Who Died From Eating Vegetables"

"50 Creative Ways to Hide Bruises From Your Friends and Teachers"

Bobby's First Strip Search

The Santa Claus Scam and Other Adult Lies

what really happened to the family dog

Fido and My Special place

Whats Inside Daddy's Pants and other Fun Bedtime Games

Build your own electric boat and other plug-in bathtub toys

Mommy's Part Time Job

Daddy's Little Black Book

The Monster in Your Closet Is Real

The Little Boy's Book About The Thing In Your Pants

The Little Girl's Book About the Thing In Boy's Pants

Daddy, And Mommy's Other Husbands

Daddy Has 3 Girlfriends, And Mommy Doesn't Know

The Child's Guide to Overriding Parental Settings on the Computer.

How to Find Cool Stuff Hidden by Mom and Dad.

The Child's Guide to Divorce: Using Guilt to Get Your Way and Lots of Swag

The Child's Guide to Remarriage: Manipulating Step Parents & Step Siblings

Know Your Rights: The Child's Guide to Law and Social Work, Revised edition with vocabulary and suggested art projects guaranteed to cause "concern."

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Never Dial These Numbers

Little Tommy and Uncle Bruce Have a Special Secret

Mr. Rogers Died and Went to Hell

Jesus Loves You; Jesus Loves Mommy; Mommy Loves Your Sister

Strangers Have the Best Candy

Daddy Drinks and Cries Because You're Wicked

Mommy Beats You Because You Make Daddy Sad

You Were an Accident

Fun with Matches

Little Johnny's First Boarding School

The Good Children's Book of Keeping Secrets

Heather Had Five Mommies before She Lost Track

Nice Things Rich Kids Have but You Never Will

[Juniper]

A man and woman are walking down the street. He looks at her and says, "You know, I would like a little pussy". She looks at him and says, "Me too, mines as big as a bucket".

[Juniper]

How can you tell you have a nasty overbite? When you're eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

[Juniper]

So Steve has been having lousy luck with the ladies lately and decides to expand his age range out to include "breathing'. Eventually he meets an older woman, okay not older, ancient would be a better description.

So eventually he and his older lover decide to consummate their blooming relation. He takes his lover and lays her down on the bed, and starts to suck her breast and he tastes liquid. That is when he looks at her and says, "Damn baby, didn't know an old woman like you could still produce milk."

She looks down at him and says, "Sonny, I'm too old for milk, but I'm not old enough for cancer."

[Juniper]

Q: What's the leading cause of pedophilia? A: Sexy children.

[husaberg]

[Juniper]

A stage hypnotist who was down on his luck finally got a paid booking - at the local retirement home. He knew, since his audience was an older crowd, that they would buy into old hypnosis stereotypes like the 'look into my eyes' crap, spirals, etcetra.

One of the favorite props he used in his act was a beautiful ornate solid gold watch that he had inherited from his grandfather. It was his most prized and valued personal possession, and brought back many wonderful memories of the kindly old gent.

As he lifted the watch and began to spin it and hypnotize his elderly volunteers putting them (and a good portion of the audience) in a fairly deep trance, the watch chain suddenly snapped and his beautiful pocketwatch smashed into a hundred pieces as it crashed onto the hard polished stage.... gears and springs went flying every which way and the crystal smashed into tiny fragments.

In absolute shock, before he could think about what he was doing, he released a string of expletives into his highly amplified microphone: FUCKKKKK!!! SHIIIIITTTTT!!! ASS-FUCKING COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

It took weeks to clean up the place... the stink and the mess... there were a lot of very happy, but exhausted geriatrics there that evening, however... (and for some weird reason.. he never got a return engagement!!!!)

[husaberg]

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine.
Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!"

The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him
ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!"

The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building.
It took me four days just to get the grin off her face

[husaberg]

This farmer had really bad sexual perversions that always got him into trouble . He loved to fuck chickens .
His first wife said to him , "Do you feel like chicken tonight." ...
How did you find out that I fuck chickens ... she ended the marriage .

He then started secretly fucking Cows and remarried .
His second wife said , "Do you feel like steak tonight" ... How did you find out that I've been fucking the cows .... she left him .

He decides he's getting older and he's always getting caught he'd better get more domestic .
He moves to the city and starts secretly fucking a household cat .
He remarries for a 3rd time and his wife says , "Honey , do you feel like eating my pussy tonight " ...
He said , "You're sick!"

[cc rider]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly.. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound upon top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[Juniper]

The old farmer sat in the bar nursing a beer muttering to himself "Some things you just can't explain." "How's that?" asked the bartender.
"Oh i was just thinking, some things you just can't explain."
"I'm not sure I understand", said the bartender.
"The farmer replied "This morning I went to milk Ol Bessie. She kicked me with her left back leg. So I took some rope and tied it to the left side of her pen. Some things you just can't explain."
The bartender said "OK that was an easy fix." The farmer said, "No you don't understand! She then kicked me with her right back leg, so i tied that leg to the right side of her pen. Some things you just can't explain."
The bartender replied "Well with both legs tied you seemed to have fixed everything."
The farmer told him, "NO, then she swatted my face hard with her tail. So I took off my belt, threw it over the rafters and tied up her tail. Just then, my pants fell down, and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain!"

[Juniper]

there's 3 vampires and one night they decide to go for a drink. as it happens a new place opened up somewhere and that's where they head. the first one walks in and up to the bar, and he orders a pint of A-. the bartender gives him a fresh pint of A-. the second one orders a pint of O+. the bartender gives him a fresh pint of O+. and then the third one walks up to the bartender and he says; "could i get a pint of hot water, please?" the other two vampires and the bartender all look at him with this strange look, but he gets his hot water.
the third vampire takes out this plastic bag from his pocket, pulls out a used tampon and throws it in the glass, while he looks at them and goes: "what?! you guys never heard of tea?"

[Juniper]

a pretty girl walks into a pub on the top floor of a large skyscraper.
the place is empty, except for this one guy, sitting at the bar and the bartender. she figures he looks nice enough and she walks up to him and asks: "what are you drinking, handsome?" the guy looks up from his glass and tells her: "this... is a magical drink." the girl tells him that's bull-shit, so the guy says to her: "ok, don't believe me? i'll prove it!!" he takes a drink from his glass, walks up to the window, opens it, jumps out and he comes flying in through a different window. the girl can't believe her eyes... she turns to the bartender and says: "i'll have what he's having!!" the bartender serves her the drink, she takes a big sip, walks up to the window, jumps out, and crashes 85 stories below on the pavement... splash... dead...

the bartender, who saw it all go down, turns to the guy at the bar and says: "Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk!!"