What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

Whats the best thing about fucking twenty-two year olds? -- There's twenty of them.

Aside from that Mrs Kennedy, how was the parade?

Aside from that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?

[Juniper]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? --Nothin, you already told her twice.

Why are women's feet so small? --So they can stand closer to the sink.

Did you hear about the woman that got run over by a motorcycle?--They're still trying to figure out how the damn thing got into the kitchen.

[Juniper]

Whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead black guy in the road? -- skid marks lead up to the dog

Whats the difference between a black guy and a large cheese pizza?--the pizza can feed a family of four

How do you starve a black guy? -- put his money under his work boots.

[Juniper]

When I worked at a public library some forty years ago, I helped a young teenager who was asking for information on “ejaculation.” I took him to the 612s and showed him books about the body, things a young man needs to know, etc. He seemed interested but I told him to come find me if the books didn’t contain exactly what he was looking for.

About twenty minutes later he came back and said they weren’t what he wanted. I queried what else he needed to know about ejaculation. He replied “You know, like when the pilot is flying the jet fighter and it is going to crash and so he ejaculates.”

[Juniper]

Q: A white guy, his white wife, and their twin sons are trapped in a burning building. Who dies first?
A: Who gives a shit?!

[Juniper]

Whats gross? --When a cheer leader does the splits and sticks to the floor.

Whats grosser than that? --She stands up and three floor boards come with her

Whats grosser than that? --When she peels the boards off and three class rings fall out.

Whats grosser than that? --Two of them are hers

[Juniper]

What do a bungee jumper and a gay guy have in common?
A: If the rubber breaks they are both in deep shit!
++++
This guy goes to the doctor after being constipated for two weeks. The doctor prescribes a heavy-duty laxative and tells him to take two when he gets home. The guy goes home to his fourth story apartment, pops two of the pills and lays down for a nap. When he awakens he finds that the laxative is so powerful that he has relieved two weeks worth of blockage all over the bed as he slept. Totally disgusted the man toils over what to do with the mess and finally decides to bundle up the sheets and pitch them out the window. About this time a wino comes walking along still hung-over from the night before and splat! The sheet lands Right Square on his head. After struggling for a few minutes the wino gets free of the sheet and as he's standing there looking at it, a policeman strolls up after seeing him wrestling with it. "What's going on here?" inquires the officer. "I'm not too sure," replies the wino "but I'm pretty sure I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
+++++++++++
Two matadors, Juan and Jose, are checking out the bullfight crowd, looking for nice babes.
Suddenly, Juan says to Jose, "Look, and way up at the top of the stands, the Chiquita with her legs spread? A mucho hairy pussy, and she's not wearing any panties."
Jose looks and says, "Yes, she is. She is wearing black panties."
To settle it, they send Pancho, the boy who scoops up the bullshit, to go find out.
Pancho runs up the stairs, looks between the girl's legs, and lets out a loud, "Aye, caramba!"
He goes running back to Juan and Jose, and Juan says, "So, is it pussy or panties?"
Pancho says, "It is flies."

[Juniper]

++This would probably be me at WalMart, lol++

After landing my new job as a B & Q greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, obese, hairy, mean-acting really ugly woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just thick?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone has been to bed with you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Juniper]

John and Carol had been married for nine years, during which John became the dominant partner and grew used to talking to Carol however he wanted.
John would shout something like "BITCH! Get my fucking dinner on the table, NOW!", and Carol would meekly obey.
One day, however, after watching an "Oprah" show about female empowerment, Carol refused to follow an order from John, forcing him to put his foot down.
"Bitch!" He said. "I can't live with a woman that won't do as she's told, so I promise: if you don't straighten up, you won't be seein' me around here for a while!"
Well, Carol refused to budge on the issue, and , just as promised, didn't see John for the rest of the week.
But eventually, of course, the swelling went down, and she was able to see him just a tiny bit from one eye!

[Juniper]

Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?

Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"

*********

Q. How do you get Mohammed's wife pregnant?

A. Dress her up as a 10-year old boy.

**********

So Marvel Comics will introduce a female Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, since she's not allowed to drive.

[Yow Ling]

11 characters

[Juniper]

One day, I was walking down the road and I saw a black guy holding a T.V, and I was like "Damn! That looks like mine!", so I ran back all the way home and nope, lo and behold, it was still there, shining my shoes.

So the Oklahoma city basketball team is looking to change their name, they have an open press conference to take suggestions. One guy suggests the OKC Bombers.
Every gasps and mutters about how disrespectful and insensitive that is.
He says 'What's the matter? The New York Jets didn't change their name!

I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long

A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend having a shit and crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks.
His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and asys "I've just dumped my girlfriend."

Three friends conversation:
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a small child? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

Which is too bad since his kid was apparently a brilliant author. I hear he did something like 50 stories before he died

He only had 1 hit though.
My understanding was that he had a lot of momentum, but then just stopped.

[Juniper]

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.



Put up Ebola quarantine markers. That will buy you a couple of weeks peace.


I still like the sign: NOTE: Due to the rising cost of ammunition, we no longer fire warning shots.

Then, of course, there's this one:

This house protected by Smith and Wesson, not like the
anti-gun, lowlife liberal scum who lives next door ---->


I just have one sign:

Rabid dog, male. Beware the Bored kinky housewife.

[Akzle]

NOTE: Due to the rising cost of ammunition, we no longer fire warning shots.

Then, of course, there's this one:

This house protected by Smith and Wesson, not like the
anti-gun, lowlife liberal scum who lives next door ---->

[husaberg]

..............................