What's your sickest joke?

[eelracing]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he
needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy semen
flying through the air.
“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, ”You can’t do that-you’ll destroy the reputation of the church!”
“This is my lottery win,” said the photographer. ” I’ll be financially secure for life with these photo’s!”

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2 million.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said,
“That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “$2 million.”

“Two Million Dollars!” replied the housekeeper.
“They must of seen you coming!”

[gjm]

A 'wholesome' lass enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.

The assistant says: "Choose one from our extensive range on the wall up there."
She says "I'll take the red one."

The shop assistant replies: " Sorry love can you choose another one, that's the fire extinguisher."

So she said "How about the the tartan one with the white end?"

"Sorry love, thats' my Thermos flask."

[husaberg]

...................................

[Juniper]

What's the hardest thing an Alter Boy comes up against? The Priests

[Juniper]

When A U.S. sniper was asked what he feels when he shoots an al-Qaeda member by a reporter , the sniper thinks for a minute and replies: 'Recoil.'

[Juniper]

A young bogan Sydney couple have just named their baby girl Princess-Pea. Asked by a reporter on breakfast television about the reason for the name, the baby's mother (Sharnice) explained, "well ya see I'm a bit of a princess, and Bazz here loves eating peas, so we figured it kinda made sense". Asked by the reporter whether they would be continuing with the theme for their future babies, Sharnice replied "oh yeah, we're planning on calling our next one Anal Cum Slut Mega Whore-Pizza"

[caspernz]

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

"The Isis group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."




"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."

[Akzle]

what's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?



you can't gargle sand

[Juniper]

I signed up to take part in a Pro Life bake sale this weekend. I'm going to sell cups of uncooked batter and insist that they're cupcakes.

[Juniper]

A rather awkward and shy father feared that he had left it all too late to have 'that talk' with his teenage son. Finally he summoned up the courage to sit him down one evening and broach the subject. "So you see son, the man takes his willy and sticks it into a womans pee pee". The son looked rather alarmed and cut his dad short. "Dad, why are you talking about womens pee? I'm not into urolagnia, but I do quite enjoy anal and DP's?"

[Juniper]

A disturbing new game amongst young white males in the USA is to put on blackface and walk around in public with their hands in the air. It's only a matter of time before one or more of these thrillseekers is shot dead by police.

[Juniper]

Ok so make a shopping list of five items (or less) that would make a cashier look at you with curiosity, horror, or maybe just take a step back...

Let me start things off................

Machete
Vick's Vapo Rub
12 Tennis balls
Jumper Cables
Meat Tenderizer
-------------------
Duct tape
lubricant
zip ties
hacksaw
garbage bags
------------------
Electric wire
Electrician's Gloves
Car battery
Gin-Su knives
A copy of Grey's Anatomy
------------------
Tampons
Habanero Sauce
Super Glue
Needles
Myriatic Acid
---------------
Condoms,
ky jelly,
baby oil,
duct tape,
rope
-----------------
Chloroform
Extra-large gauze pads
Scalpel
Wheelbarrow
Shovel
-------------------
A watermelon
Condoms
Ky Jelly
Ice pack
----------------------
Box of Dove chocolate,
Coloring Book, Condoms,
Match box,
knife.
----------------------
1,000 rounds of ammo
Package of Beef Jerky
A canteen
A Machete
A copy of the Koran
----------------
Condoms
ben-gay
rope
duct tape
tarp
-----------------
55 gallon metal drum
8 foot x 4inch pic pipe
20 foot of 1/2 inch chain
6 master locks
Shovel

[caspernz]

One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: "If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger and saves just one Scottish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say:
Red is positive, black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet."

[gjm]

[Dutch Fisher]

Things you wouldn't want to hear in a superhero movie:

Is it a bird!, is it a plane!... whatever it is,, its heading straight for the world trade center