What's your sickest joke?

[husaberg]

[husaberg]

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!
But I spend 50 bucks on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!!
Women, I can't figure them out!.

---

I walked into my nans bedroom and caught her sucking my grandads cock. I said "Aaarrrgh nan that's disgusting". She said "No it's not, it's perfectly normal" I said "No nan its wrong, you should have buried it with the rest of him".

---

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Bikkie]

I wonder what my parents did to
fight boredom before the internet......I
asked my 15 brothers and sisters
and they don't know either.

I've two dogs.I've named them
ONE and TWO.If ONE dies,I'll still
have TWO.

I\ve been showing my young son
how to swipe a tablet.Piece of piss
in Noel Leemings there's no security.

I went to the pub with my chubby
girlfriend.The barman began
pouring me a pint but stopped
halfway.He said,"The barrel
needs changing." I whispered in his
ear,"Don't worry mate I'm
dumping her soon as I've got my
birthday present."

My Gran loves reading the 50
shades novels.Mostly because she
doesn't have to lick her fingrs to
turn the page.

People claim to be into recycling
but watch their faces as you rinse
out a condom.

Lesbian flooring is so easy to fit.
It's all tongue and groove.

What's the difference between a
feminist and a brick? A brick gets laid.

Want to make your water bed more bouncy? Use spring water.

[Bikkie]

A man called Simon
goes on Stars In Their Eyes
and Matthew Kelly notices
he's in a wheelchair.
Matthew asks,"What
happened?" I was in
a car crash with my
uncle.He died and I
had to have my legs
amputated.But they
saved my uncle's legs
and grafted them
onto me.In six
months time I will be
able to walk again."
"That's amazing"
says Matthew."Who
are you going to be
for us tonight then?"
"Tonight Matthew,
I'm going to
be....Simon and half
uncle!"

Although Jesus was
known as a carpenter.
He never actually
sang on any of their
albums.

[Bikkie]

The Australian cricket team have
been found cheating in the Third
Test against South Africa.I can't
believe it! A country whose
ancestors were convicts,caught
cheating! I'm shocked!

A smile is contagious.Just smile at
someone and see their reaction.For
that extra bit of excitment,do it
with your cock out.

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between
racism and Asians? Racism has
many faces.

What has two wings and an arrow?
A chinese telephone "wing wing"
"Arrow"

I told a girl my dick was like a
computer.She asked if that was
because it had loads of RAM and a
big hard drive."Oh",the surprise she
got when she found out it was
actually just full of viruses and
microsoft.

I heard a rumour that during their
marriage,sean Penn would
sometimes take a baseball bat to
Madonna.Bet it didn't even touch
the sides.

It's ironic that niggers name their
children with posistive images like
precious,pearl or happy.When
names like nick or rob would be
more appropiate.

I read that a banana a day helps to
keep your colon clean.I just wish
they'd told me I was supposed to
eat them.

The wife was getting dressed up for
a night out with her mates,walked
into the lounge asked me to
rate her."8 or 9 a least." I said
"out of 10" she smiled..."Thanks,
Babe,I'm flattered." Didn't have
the heart to tell her I meant pints.

A black guy in a library asked me
where the coloured printer was.I
replied,"Mate it's 2018,you can
use any printer you want."

[Bikkie]

Smoking will kill you...Bacon will
kill you...But smoking bacon will
cure it.

Sometimes I like to hide my wife's
inhaler.So the neightbours think I'm
a stallion when they hear her
panting "Give it to me!"

Gary a friend of mine decided to
open a small shop selling tinsel and
other sparkly party decorations.
Calling it "Gary Glitter" probably
wasn't the best idea.

I have just broken the world
holding my breath underwater
record at the local pool after
a young girl said,"That's the man
mummy."


What's the difference between
black people and snow tyres?
Snow tyres don't sing when you put
chains on them

Who takes the second shot in a
game of snooker?
Find out after the break.

For every bloke who has fails in life
there is usually a woman
somewhere with a free house.

[Bikkie]

Two blondes were standing outside
one night pondering a question.
One blonde says,"Which do you
think is closer the moon or
florida? the other blonde rolls her
eyes and says,"The moon you dumb
bitch you can see it from here.

A blonde goes to buy a car at the auto dealers.
She gets into a manual one and says to the sales assistant
"I can't understand, this car has 3 pedals
and I only have 2 legs."

[Murray]

From Cassina

"If i had contributed nothing of merit over the years I would have got ZERO and I mean ZERO responses to all my posts. Now think about that if you are bright enough?"

[Drew]

From Cassina

"If i had contributed nothing of merit over the years I would have got ZERO and I mean ZERO responses to all my posts. Now think about that if you are bright enough?"

Link that original post. I gotta wind that up.

[husaberg]

Link that original post. I gotta wind that up.

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/s...post1131093738

[caspernz]

Link that original post. I gotta wind that up.

You won't need a big spanner for that Drew, all bolts already loose...blame a dog

[Bikkie]

A little white kid at my sons school
was adopted by black parents.He
asked why do other kids keep callling
him Tazan.

I was driving on the motorway
today when I saw a sign that read:
Turnoff-1 mile ahead sure
enough a mile later at the side of
the road was Jenny Shipley with no
knickers on,lifting her skirt.

Mick bumps into Paddy in the
street walking with a greyhound.
That's a fine looking dog Paddy"
said Mick."Are you going to race
him.?" "No feckin way." said
Paddy,"He's far too quick."

I always keep a spade in the
greenhouse,that way he can water
my plants and stuff.

Germany refused to take part in the
strike against Syria,as they fail to
see what's wrong with gassing
one's own population.

My sister was posing and taking
selfies."Look",she said."My body
is a temple." "Don't you mean a
Mosque with the amount of Pakis
that have been inside it?" I replied.

[Bikkie]

The police knocked on my door.An
officer said,"We'd just like to
inform you sir,that whilst you
were at work,a black male was
apprenened trying to break into
your property." "Golly!" I
exclaimed.The office cautioned
"We understand your anger sir but
lets just stick to referring to him as
a black male."


The police knocked on my door this
morning."Where were you at
8.05pm last night sir?" asked the
officer."I took the wife upstairs for
some love making at 8pm last
night" I said. "That's true" my wife
shouted. "But fucks knows where he
was at five past."



I received a letter from screwfix
thanking me for my inquiry and
informing me they are not a Dating
agency.


Two cannibals are at an athletics
meeting."I'm hungry!! "Me too"
"What would you like to eat?" "I
think I'll have the starter."

Teacher asks her
class "If your mother
was a cartoon
character who would
she be?" Little Mary
says,"My mummy
would be Cinderella
because she looks
like a princess" Little
Tommy says,"My mum would be
Penolope Pitstop
because she's a
brillant driver."
Relunctly she gets to
Little Johnny and
Little Johnny says,
"My mum would be
Kungfu Panda miss,
you should see the
fucking size of her
black eyes my dad
gave her when he
came home early
from work and caught
her sucking off the
window cleaner!"

[Bikkie]

3 men in a cafe,
furiously wanking.
Waitress comes over
and says,"What the
hell are you doing?"
One of them points to
a sign which reads:
FIRST COME FIRST
SERVED!

"I want to sleep at
your place tonight"
She whispered in my
ear."Ok," I said,"But
I want to be on top."
"Ooh," she smiled,"I
love a man who's
masterful." "My bunk
bed,my rules."

Taylor Swift and
Adele have tens of
songs about bad
relationships,but not
one song about giving
a decent blowjob.
Conincidence!

How was break
dancing invented?
Niggers trying to
steal hub caps from
moving cars.