What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Had a bet with my
scottish pal over
Englands
performances in the
group stages.I get
$300 only if we win
all 3 matches.But
drunkenly and
boastful I agreed to
do a foreit for any
match we lose.Tuna
fish makes me wretch
so if we lose to
Tunisia I have to eat
4 tins of tuna.I'm
allergic to cocoa so
if we lose to Belgium
I have to eat 2 large
boxes of belgium
chocolates.Fuck I
really hope we don't
lose to panama.
Because if we do I
have to let gay Tony
free entry into my
canal.

[Bikkie]

Nickelback fame,always
auditioned for his school
nativity play but never
made it as a wise man.


The wife has told me I've
got shit for Brains.
That's the last time I
allow her to sell any of
my Thundebirds collectables
on eBay.

Don't be ashamed of who you
are,that's your parents job.

I've nicknamed my girlfriend
Firefox because she's
so fucking unresponsive
everytime I try and turn

[Bikkie]

Teach a man to fish
and he will eat for a
lifetime.Teach a
feminist to fish and
she will accuse you of
patronising her,claim
she knew how to do it
anyway and that even
if she didn't,she
could easily work it
out without the help
of a man.

A friend of mine just
told me that she's got
swelling on her arse,
legs annd boobs.I
thought....Whoa...too
much inflammation!

If you're ever in
Africa and come face
to face with a lion,
take one step
sideways and then
one step back.
Repeating this
process lets you
move obligately away
from the lion and
prevents you from
standing in your own
shit.

Drew Barrymore....
Now I just need to
colour him in....

I was once stuck on a
ski lift for hours.
Then the acid wore
off and my gran was
yelling at me to get
off her rocking chair
and give her walking
stick back.

[Bikkie]

I can't wait for my
Thai bride to arrive in
the UK.She has an
amazing sense of
humour,I asked her to
send me a nude pic
and she only went and
photoshopped a
massive dick between
her legs haha what a
girl she is lol.

It's funny that every
guy on my street likes
and has a lab....I have
a Golden Labrador,my
neighour Dave has a
black lab,and my
other neighbour
Mohammed has a
meth lab.

Teacher asks the
class "Can anyone tell
me what Mr Churchill
was famous for?" Little
johnny puts his hand
up and says,"Is it
because he was the
last white man to be
called Winston, miss?"

You know when I was
growing up I thought
modern medicine
would have cured
everything.I still can't
believe it's nearly
1993 and they haven't
found a cure for
alzheimer's.

Air New Zealand has
caused controversy by
altering its menu to
serve business class
flyers a vegan burger.
Personally I don't see
what the fuss is about
as long as the vegans
were humanely killed!

[Bikkie]

Paddy was talking to
Mick in the pub about
the cave rescue."I
don't know what all da
fuckin fuss is about
Mick,the tunnels can't
be that small if they
managed to get 12
footballers and the
fuckin coach down
there."

[slofox]

Paddy was talking to
Mick in the pub about
the cave rescue."I
don't know what all da
fuckin fuss is about
Mick,the tunnels can't
be that small if they
managed to get 12
footballers and the
fuckin coach down
there."

Could be a new conspiracy theory...

[Bikkie]

"Thank fuck that
rubbish is over with
for another four years
and they didn't win it,
you might have
wanted sex again."
complained my wife.
And here's me
thinking I might get to
shag her at Christmas
this year for a change
as well.

[Bikkie]

For sale:used football
shirts.Tunisia,Panama,
Sweden,Croatia and
Belgium.Only worn
once [ except the Belgium
shirt: twice ]
contact Big Davy 99
Argyle Street Glasgow.

Me to Ryanair cabin
attendant on
decompressed flight
FR7312 from Dublin
"THERE'S NO OXYGEN
IN THE OXYGEN
MASK!!!!" Cabin
Attendant:"It's coin
operated."

[Bikkie]

Reveea Steenkamp: "I'd love to be fucked in the batroom".

Freddie Murcury: "Nah,let me stick in there,this aids stuff is just nonsense."

Yorkshire prostitute: "It's a tenner for a blowjob alright Mr Stutcliffe?"

Elvis Presley: "I'm dying for a shit."

Mayor of Hiroshima: "Forecast is very hot today."

J.F.Kennedy: "Fuck it it's a nice day,let's take the convertible."

John Lennon: "I'm from Liverpool mate,do you think a gun scares me?"

Princess Diana: "Nah,he's a bit of a twat is Phillip,but he wouldn't murder us."

Sonny Bono: "Fuck me,this skiing is a piece piss."

[Bikkie]

After everything
she's been through
and survived,one
word comes to mind
when I think of Demi
Lovato.Herine

I went to see the
doctor today to get
my genital herpes
checked out.She said
"Get that thing out of
my face and get the
fuck out of my
Tardis!"

[husaberg]

Me:- Boss i am not coming into work to day coz i am sick.

Boss:- How sick are you?

Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister

Steve goes to the doctors and says,
"Doctor doctor, every time I look in the
mirror I get aroused."

The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...
you're a cunt."


What has lots of balls and fucks rabbits





A 12-Guage

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices the
gorgeous blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled
hello. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving
to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her
from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe
mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my
children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been
unfaithful. "Christ!" he says "Are you the stripogram from my stag
night, who I fcuked over the edge of the snooker table in front of
all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and
serviced my arrsehole with half a cucumber...?" "No," she replied, "I
am your son's English Teacher..."

[Bikkie]

On the high sreet
today I saw a sign
saying Hair dressing
for men.I went in
and there was a
rabbit trying on
clothes and all these
bloked saying "Very
nice."

I failed my driving
test thanks to my
instructor.He
advised,"Treat other
road users as you
would expect them to
treat you." So I cut in
front of a BMW
without indicating and
flipped the driver the
finger when he
sounded his horn at
me.

[Bikkie]

What religion am I?
Crystal methodist.

My neighbour knocked on my door
at 2am this morning ans said."Bob
I can't fucking sleep." "Well it's
your lucky day." I said. "I've
got a party going on in here,
come in."

Reading flyers more curefully
substantally lowers the risk
of being the only one at
slimming world wearing
speedos and googles.

There was a muslim
kid in my class in
school who was
notorious for being
late to everything.....we
called him 9/12

Did you hear about
the American who
thought that a Royal
Enfield was somewhere
the Queen keeps
her chickens.

My mate just called to
my door at 3am 3AM
LIKE!!lucky for him I
was awake playing
the drums.

[Bikkie]

"When will BMW
start selling
automated cars?"
"Probably soon but
I've seen nothing to
indicate it."

I've started a
business selling
Muslim womenwear.
Monday sees the
grand opening of
BurkaKing.

[Bikkie]

More Bond Remakes:
Coonraker,Chicken Royale,
From Russia With Drugs,
You Only Steal Twice,
The Spy Who Robbed Me,
Octowhitebitchpussy,
A View From A Cell,
Drive By Another Day,
Spooktre.

Producers have decided
not to go ahead with
plans for a black actor
to play 007.He couldn't
drive an Aston Martin
50 yards without getting
pulled over.