What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

A black bloke gets
invited to a fancy
dress party.
needing an outfit.
He goes to a
costume shop.He
asks a female
assistant for help.
"I need a costume
for a party,
please." "Okay,sir
how about this?"
says the assistant,
presenting the
black man with a
Father Christmas
suite."Don't be
fucking stupid,I'm
not going as a
black Santa!"
replies the black
man."Okay,well
how about this one
then?" she shows
the black man a
fluffy white
snowman costume.
"NO! I'm not going
as a snowman
either! I'm black!
Don't you
understand?"
shouts the rather
annoyed black
man."Fine!" says
the assistant as she
hands the black
nan a plank of
wood."What the
fuck am I
supposed to do
with this?" he
asks."Stick it up
your arse and go
as a fucking choc
ice!"

Christmas is coming
and the geese are getting
fat.
Well you'd let yourself
go to, if you knew you
were going to get eatin.

My wife bought
me the Karma
Sutra for
Christmas.Its put
me in a very
awkward position.

All you poor saps
telling me to take
down the
Christmas
decorations all
year.Well who is
laughing now?

A popular
Christmas prank
on distant
relatives is to send
a family picture
including a child
nobody knows.
That will get them
talking.Especally
if the child is a 15
year old blonde
girl wearing
shades.

I've saved loads of
money this
Christmas.I
walked out on the
wife and kids.

Went Christmas
shopping this
morning,Got
pushed around,
fonded.pinched,
rubbed against,
stepped on.
Enjoyed it so
much I'm going
back tomorrow.

The bad news is...
I had the oven too
high and burnt the
Gingerbread men I
was making for
the kids.The good
news...I put them
on Ebay as KKK
Christmas tree
decorations.

My wife's always
said her biggest
dream is to "swim
with dolphins.I
couldn't get her
this for Christmas,
but I got her the
next best thing,,,
"Swimming with
crocodiles."

Anyone who
believes that men
are the equal of
women has never
seen a man trying
to wrap a
Chtistmas present.

The main problem
with Christmas
is..getting anything
out of your fridge
is like playing
fucking Jenga!

"kmart to ban
Glitter next
Christmas,"
Strange,I don't
think he'll even be
out by then.

Prince Harry wil
snub traditional
Royal family
Boxing Day Shoot
to avoid upsetting
animal lover
Meghan and his
Christmas blowjob.

What do you say to a
paki on Christmad
Day? 20 Benson and a
pint of milk,please?

My Christmas dinner
will be just like any
other dinner.Sat at
the table with a fat
bird that don't gobble
anymore.

As a postman,I had the most
heart-wrenching letter from
a little girl to Santa.
How her mummy and daddy
had no money and how
she only wanted a chocolate
bar for Christmas.
Anyway there was no money
in that one so I sealed
it and re-posted it.

Some great Christmas movies on,
I'm watching The Dan Busters.
For some reason it has sign
language.I'm just waiting
for when he has to sign the
word Nigger.

"Trump celebrates Christmas like
most of America,with family"
Threating to bomb North Korea
while drinking twelve diet
cokes,hammering out messages on
Twitter,and sitting down to a
ten course meal in a
$300 million penthouse.

This Christmas convince people
you're David Beckham by taking
your old Turkey carcass
out to dinner.

Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,Not
a creature was stirring.not
even a mouse...I really shuold
have invested in one of those
carbon monoxide detectors.

[Bikkie]

Just saved a
fucking fortune on
Christmas shit.
Bought an old
stags head and
stuck in on the
front room wall.
Told my kids the
reindeer are dead
and Santa can't
get round,but I'll
make sure they
get some nice veal
steaks for
Christmas day.

Theresa May
might as well
become a
Jehovahs
Witness.They
don't have a party
at Christmas
either.

It was the night of
Christmas Eve and
the missus who
had plumped up
over recent years
was feeling horny.
She whispered in
my ear,"Fist fuck
me on the dinning
table in the
kitchen,I want it
so bad." So we
went downstairs
and she laid back
first on the
table,feet flat and
legs at 10 past 2.
After kifting her
gut away I was
anle to see her
dripping gash.It
was so wet that
my fist slid in with
ease but as I
popped it in I
noticed my 5 year
old son in the
door way.He
looked at me with
my fist buried
elbow deep in this
soggy crevice,
then went to the
fridge and got out
a bowl of pork
mince.He popped
it into my other
hand and said
"Mum uses this
when she's
stuffing the
turkey."

"Do you know
why we don't
celebrate
Christmas?" this
Jewish father
asked his little Yid.
"Is it because we
are the meanest
cunts on the
planet and make
the scottish look
like spendthrifts?"
he replied.

Stay politicallly correct this
Christmas by
buying your child
an action gender
fluid doll,
Complete with
machine gun,
rocket launcher,
penis,breasts,
make up and a flat
500 with
eyelashes.

Befor you laugh
at children who
believe in Father
Christmas,
remember,there
are adults who still
believe in Jose
Mourinho...

We used to have a
girl nicknamed
Rudolph at school
not because she
had a red nose
because she used
to go down in
history,

My lad has come
to me and asked
for transformers
for Christmas.Now
I don't mins the
expense.I mean I
can pick them up
at Kmart for like
$50.But what on
earth does a 5 year
old have that
needs to run on
110v.

[Bikkie]

Welcome to Radio
West Sussex.
Flight cancelled
from Gatwick?
This ones for you
Chris Rea,Driving
home for
Christmas.

Fucking
newsreaders
obsessed with
Gatwick airport,
blah blah Just
drone on and on.

[Bikkie]

Actually looking
forward to
Christmas this year
fo once.I usually
get treibble
presents for the
Mrs that she don't
actually want but
this year I found her
Christnas list and
I've got everything
on it.Eggs,Milk,
Bread,Butter,
Bacon,Sugar and Toilet
rolls.She's going to
be well impressed.

Woke up at 11am
this morning after
getting pissed at
the office
Christmas party
last night-vague
recollection of
shagging my
secretary and
punching my boss
in the mouth.At
least,I hope it was
that way around.

Teenagers,why
don't you get
something your
parents would love
this Christmas? A
fucking flat.

[Bikkie]

Todays the day we all
have one thing on our
mind."I wonder how
much this piece of shit
would make on
Ebay?"

Well,it's Christmas
morning and for a little
something different
my wife has bought a
"Turducken," which is a
chicken inside a duck,
inside a turkey,for
Christmas lunch.She's
just put the beast in the
oven,which means its
almost time for the
bitchtzillapotamus to
arrive.

Christmas is the
only time of the
year where you
can shout "Don't
come in here" and
people won't
assume your
having a wank.

For a few years on
the trot,I worked
in a petrol station
on Christmas day,
and every single
customer would
saY "isn't it a
shame that they
make you work
Christmas day?"
Well,if it bothers
you that much,
don't fucking come
in.

Santa won't be
visiting Indonesia
this year,but he
said he has nipped
past and gave
them a wave.

Apparently the
must have
present in
Indonesia this
Christmas is a
surf board?

I love this time of
year...Atheists
offended by
Christmas
Christians
offended by
"Happy hoildays"
And Muslims
offended by
fucking everything.

I really hate the
Christmas period.I
always seem to
get really horny
this time of year.

This Christmas I
feel like a woman,
that used to be a
man.I no longer
give a fuck.

I phoned my old
mum tonight. "OY
Vey!" she said. "So
you finally call me.
Me,the woman
who gave you life
and bobeshi to
your children.
Work my fingers
to the bone,I did
and all you ever
did was kvetsh.
Your father now
he was a mentsh,
but you are a klutz
and you shlep
around like
shmendrik.
Mum," I said
"You're an Irish
catholic.You've
forgotten to buy
me a Christmas
present,haven't
you?"

As a retail
employee,please
join me in singing
my change.org
petition to ban
Christmas music
from shops.It's
not fun doing a 12
hour shift with 7
different Christmas
songs on repeat.

My wife has
always called me
"Scrooge" and "A
tight-arse" and
"Miserable old
cunt." Well last
wednesday I won
the lottery so I'm
going to give her
the Christmas
present she has
always wanted.
I'm going to fuck
off and live in the
Bahama's.

With Christmas
coming up the
song that every
patient in
hospices up and
down the country
dread has been
appearing on the
radio.Its Last
Christmas by
Wham!

PornHub finally
get it.Wank sites
do not need
Santa hats on
their logo at this
time of year.Tits
and fannies will
be more than
enough.

HOUSEWIVES:
Hang on in there,
only one more
day till your new
vaccum cleaner.

He's making a list,
He's checking it
twice,He's gonna
find out who's
naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is in
contravention of
article 4 of the
General Data
Protection
Regulation ( EU )
2016/679

Hewwo
Markleesson Hope
you velly well Its
me..Fu Kim Yung
wurer of all Hong
Kong.Me buy a
duck with no
wings and no cock.
It dosen't give a
flying fluck.Me
wish you melly
Klissmiss.Now me
eat egg filed lice
from Jan Leemings
velly old and
battered smelly
flanny.Paint the
fence.Paint the
fence.

Things I have in
common with
Santa..1.I eat
other peoples food
if left
unattended.2.I
come once a year.
3.I have a heavy
sack.4.I am a fat
fuck.

[Bikkie]

My last gitlfriend
left me because of
my obession of
touching pasta.
Feeling cannelioni
right now.

Dire Straits are
looking for an
agent in the
Middle East.They
should check out
Qatar George...He
knows all the
Kurds.

If 2x2 makes 4
3x3 makes 9,how
come oxo makes
gravy?

"If you go on
hoilday with your
mates you can
pack your bags
and fuck off." My
wife screamed.
Thanks for the
travelling tips.

A girlfriend is just
a prostitute you
pay for on finance.

Me is double
jointed you knows
Me can smoke two
spiffs at the same
time.

I once dated a
magazine collector.
She had some issues.

In a prison in
Yorshire all the
gay rapists are all
moved into a new
block.First they are
all called into the
gym.They walk in
to find no staff but
see twenty pakis,
nose to the floor,
arses in the air,
undies pulled
down,it's a very
inviting sight to
the other inmates
who soon take full
advantage.
Outside,the head
prison guard
laughs and says
"Go on tell me
who put super
glue on the prayer
mats?"

[Bikkie]

Walked in from
the pub last night,
to see the wife's,
legs akimbo on the
couch shoving a
cat hanger up her
minge.I said,"For
fucks sake why
not use that
massive rabbit
vibrator I bought
you?: she
said,"That's what
I'm trying to fish
out."

My girlfriend said
she likes doggie
style.So after we
had sex,I rubbed
her nose in the
wet patch and
shouted "No."

There's a great
new campaign to
encourage people
to take three
plastic items home
with them every
time they visit the
beach.Yesterday
I took a
megaphone,a
rubber ring and a
whistle from the
lifeguards hut.

How long can you
keep an ounce of
weed for before it
goes bad? I
wouldn't know I
never have mine
for more than a
day.

I couldn't find any
oxo cubes in my
local shop today.
They must have
been out of stock.

In an English
lecture an oxford
linguistic
philosophed argued
"There is no
language in which
a double positive
implies a
negative." "Yeah
righ" I replied.

I really am God's
gift to women:
I'm a cunt.

A woman says to
husband,"I've got
nothing to wear to
the fancy dress." So
he says to her, "pull
your pissflaps over
your head and go as
a sugar puff."

The last time I was
in America I got
pulled over by a
cop.When he
walked up,I
pulled out my
9mm.Once he
stopped laughing
he wrote me up
for indecent
exposure.

I wanted to buy a
house,but I don't
have $
So instead I
bought a $200
flight to Syria and
walked back to
the UK so I could get
one for free.

[Bikkie]

Somewhere in the far East:
"So then what did you
get for Christmas?"
"Oh just the usual,a
Tsunami."

When I left school
for a brief period I
used to sell
security alarms
door to door,and
I was really quite
good at it.If no
one was home.I
would leave a
brochure on their
kitchen table.

Two scots Archie
and Jimmy,are
discussing
Jimmy's wedding.
"Och,it's all goin
brilliant," says
Jimmy."A've got
everthin'sorted,
the fluers, church,
cuars,reception,
rings,meanister,
even me stag
night," Archie
nods approvingly.
"I've even bought
a kilt to be
married in!"
continues Jimmy
"A kilt?" exclaims
Archie."You'll
look smart,
whit's the
tartan?" "Och,"
says Jimmy,
"She'll be in
white!"

"HI I'm the
electrican...
I'm here to
remove your
shorts,and
check your box."

A few famous
quotes: "No need
to repeat your
self.
I ignored you the
first time."
"You are so fat so
I won't sugar coat it,
you would probably
eat that as well."
"Two wrongs don't
make a right ask
your parents."
"You are the reason
the game pool needs
a life guard."
"Don't you just
love nature despite
what it did to you."
"There is a glass
full of shut the
fuck up on the table.
Have a drink."
"Some day
you will go far I
just hope you fucking
stay there."

1973:Smokin in the
boys room.
2018"Vapin in the
gender neutral
restroom.

The only Reason why
I wanted to Be an Adult
was to have sex
All this pay bills
and waking up to go
to work wasn't
the plan....

patient: Hey doc,I would
like to get rid of
my love handles.
Doctor" you sure would
look funny without
your ears.

[Bikkie]

Dear Santa,Thank
you so much for
my new wanking
chair....or
computer chair as
they call them in
Warehouse Stationery.

It;s that depressing
time bewteen
Christmas and New
Year when you've
got to go back to
work but your
heart's not in it.
Unless you're a
MP,then you have
another 2 weeks
off no matter what
fucking state the
country is in.

To avoid taking
down my
Christmas
decorations.I'm
converting my
house into a
chinese
restaurant!

Why did God
invent marriage?
Because hopes and
dreams won't
crush themselves
Y'know.

"Rocking up for gig
in the gig economy.."
What it sounds like
..You and your pop
star mates step out of
a limo snort some
coke do a few bottles
of Jack Daniels
in,before stepping
out on stage in front
of thousands of
adoring fans.What it
is you get off the bus
turn up for work to
do a few hours
cleaning,as and when
required stipulated in
your zero hours
contract.

A cannibal father and
son are walking
through the jungle
when they discover a
gorgeous blonde
showering under a
waterfall..The son
says,"Dad lets fuck
her then take her
home to mum and eat
her." The dad says
"No son lets fuck her
take her home and
eat your mother."

[Bikkie]

I just got kicked out
of my local hospital.
Apparently.the sign
which said."Stroke
Patients Here." Meant
something completely
different than I
thought.

My new football
manager said to me,
"Alright son,since its
your first game I'm
gonna pull you off at
half time." That's
great I thought.At
my last team we only
got oranges.

In this pc age
doctors have decided
to replace the word
obesity with an
abbrevation to
protect the feelings
of suffers.From
now on it will be
knowm as OBCT.

Apparently the average
person has sex 89 times
a year.
This is going to be a
fucking brilliant
week.

paddy and Murphy
are walking on a
roof,when suddenly
Paddy doesn't feel
very well.He says
"Murphy,oi feel sick
and dizzy,so I'm
going home." Murphy
asks,'Have ye got
vertigo Paddy?" Paddy
replies,"No Murphy
oi only live round
the corner.

The biggest problem
of being an athiest
is that there's no-one
to call out to when
you're coming.

I was at a BBQ the
other night and I
made some really
nice sausages.I asked
my mate if he wanted
one.He said "No thanks
mate,I'm
Jewish." "Don't
worry." I replied,
"They're free."

[Bikkie]

Boobies
Nature's stressball.

Status Quo
remained true to
their name as
they use the
exact same tune
on 33 different
songs.

The man who
penned the theme
tune to "Happy
Days" has died.His
funeral will be
Monday,Tuesday...

Bono and The Edge
ran into the back of
my car again today
for the second time in
a month.Talk about
bad luck.When I
went to exchange
details and saw them
I couldn't bekieve my
eyes,"Fuck me," I
said "Not you two
again."

Warning labels are
stupid.I bought some
Deodorant and it says
on the can."Avoid
contact with Eyes."
Too Late,I've
already seen it.

Humpty Dumpty sat
on a crack.Little Bo
peep was sucking his
cock.As soon as he
came she started to
weep.She knew by
the taste he'd been
fucking her sheep.

Scottish Army
regimenys always
send their pipers
into play when they
go into battle.The
enemy use up half
their ammo trying
to shoot a hole
through the
bagpipes.

I said to my wife,
"I want to fuck
you in the hole
that shit come out
of." "I'n not doing
anal," she said.
"You misunderstood," I
replied,"I want a
blowjob."

[Bikkie]

Actor Domic West
reckons the
next bond could be
played by a
transgender actor.
No doubt assisted
by Q and Miss
Funnyfanny.

Just think if
vampires were
real.It would
destroy the
tampon market.

I'm always frank
with my sexual
partners.I
definitely don't
want them
knowing my real
name.

How many
feminists does it
take to get a girl
pregnant? None,love
That's still a
Man's job you can't
do.

Bratwurst
Sauerkrat
Cabbage,Potatoes
Cheese,Beetroot
Onions,Bread
Butter Schindler's
mum's list.

Help me! Help me!
Screamed the mrs
after a fall in the
bathroom.I ran up
stairs and tried to
pick her up.After
struggling for 5 minutes
I deducted that she
was stuck due to
her fannys suction
on the tiled floors.
Not knowing what
to do I called my
brother who is a
tiler and he said,"I
need to crack the
tiles to release the
suction." So I
grabbed a hammer
and ran upstairs
and told her what I
need to do.I
started kissing her
neck squeezing
her tits and licking
her nipples."What
the fuck are you
doing?" she said.
"Well the tiles in
the bathroom are
$35 a square foot
but out in the
hallway there only
$15.So I'm going
to get you wet and
slide you out!!!!

[Bikkie]

China has denied
being secretive
about their Lunar
mission.They just
didn't have anyone
who could
pronounce it
confidently.

A chinese
spacecraft has
first-ever landing
on the dark side of
the moon as it
transmitted a
never-before-seen
image of the
unexplored
surface.
Unforunately the
flash didn't work
so the picture
looks like a close
up of a black man's
arse.

Chinese spacecraft
becomes first
EVER to touch
down on the dark
side of the moon.
The Chinese
National Congress
hold special
meeting to come
up with a
appropirate song
to play as it lands.

China is the first
country to have
landed a spacecraft
on the dark side
of the moon.
A Chinese
spokesman said
|This is a giant
reap for Pink
Froyd."

Who wears an
English shirt and
makes a lot of
passes? Harry Kane
on Mastermind.

As Alexander
Graham Bell put
the ear piece to his
ear and taped the
number,he waited
for the click,he
knew it had
connected,then
the worlds first
telephone call
started with the
voice on the other
end saying,"Your
call is important to
us,please hold for
the next available
operator...."

From a magazine
in the doctor's
waiting room
Letters Column.A
letter from two
sisters about their
recently deceased
mother.After our
mum died we
were sorting her
stuff out when we
came across a
bundle of letters
tied together with
a pink robbon.It
was a very
emotional
moment.We sat
there holding
hands,crying,and
then opened one
of the letters and
slowly started to
read it.Dad was
working away
from home and
sent three letters
per week so there
were a lot of them
to read.In this,
the first letter,he
proclaimed his love
for mum,he told
her he missed her,
but the most
important thing he
said was that he
missed the
amazing shagging
and the things she
could do with her
vaginal muscles
( he didn't use the
word vaginal ).We
didn't read any
more of those
letters.

Einsteins theory of
you not touching
this E=
MCHammer.

My 87 year old
mother gets her
acronyms mixed
up all the time
these days.She
popped into
Greggs last week
and asked for an
LGBT sandwich.

( Credit to Puncrock
on Guardian )

[Bikkie]

For sale the ashes
of actor DeForrest
Kelley famed for
playing Bones the
Dr in the original
StarTrek series.
Contained in a
stylish bronze urn
all offers
considered 100
genuine real
McCoy.

If Ryanair retain
the most
unpopular Airline
trophy again next
year,they will
break the record
set in 1945 by the
Lufwaffe.

My girlfiend
caught me trying
to stick a tiny
blonde wig and a
guitar onto a wasp.
"Don't.You'll make
him sting" she
said.

Statistics show
thirteen people
filed for divorce on
Christmas Day last
year 2018 in the
UK. Why didn't I
think of that as my
gift to the wife?....

Like most men,
I've given my car a
pet name. "START
YOU FUCKING
PIECE OF SHIT!"

( Daily Mail )
An orangutan was kept
as a prostitute in
an Indonesian village.
She was exploited
by local farmers
who would come
to the village and
pay $2 ti have sex
with her.You have
to wonder what
their wife's look
like.

A group of women
MP's have been
reprimaned for
playing
keepy-uppy in the
House of
Commons.
Yeah..........like
there's never been
a fucking balls-up
in there before.

[Bikkie]

I downloaded a
copy of the new
Bohemian
Rhapsody movie,
but I think it was
filmed in a cinema.
I can't make out
what's going on,I
just see a little
silhouetto of a
man.

I seen that new
Queen film in the
out door drive in.
There was a
terrible electrical
storm during the
showing.
Thunderbolts and
lighting.Very,
very frighting.

My wife's a lot
like a broken
record.She's
black and has a
crack problem.


Me thinks the UK
should have a vote
to decide weather
to legalise
cannabis.A lot of
people love Ganja.
Maybe it be called
a reeferendam.