What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Is it true that now, instead
of making a Barbie doll
and a Ken doll Mattel
make one combined doll
plus a doctor doll and the
children play using the
Doctor doll to change sex
of the combined Kenn /Barbie
doll by inserting or
taking out the extra bit?
Oh, the extra bit? That
must be brains, after all
Barbie is blonde.


Virginia WBIG radio
presenter, Don Geronimo,
was fired after he called a
female sports journalist
Barbie Girl and said
he'd mistaken her for a
cheerleader, live on air,
Sharla McBride said she
was overwhelmed by
the support she received
following the incident,
adding, "I'm a blonde
bimbo girl in a fantasy
world, dress me up, make
it tight, I'm your doll."


I'm trying to come up
with a good joke about
hookers, but they all suck.


Researchers at Stirling
University have found that
parents who joke and play
'pretend' games with their
children help them to form
valuable social skills for
life.
So I've told my kids I'm
taking them to Disneyland
next week.


Electric cars can be
powered by wind, solar
power or fossil fuels.
I'd like to see all electric
cars powered by the sea.


Woke snowflakes are
complaining about the 2
fat ladies " bingo call as it
isn't politically correct.
I recommend changing it
to" Heil Hitler. "


For years, we've all been
getting Lewis Hamilton's
name wrong.
It's really Ilton, from
Lewisham.


Maybe now some of the
women footballers will
have the courage and
bravery to come out as
straight.


My football coach said he
wanted to see more of my
'offence capabilities'
So I spray painted 'Fuck
off nigger' on the side of
his car, and walked off
with my middle finger up.

[Piper]

New Definitions :

Symbolic-Imitation testicle.

Flattered - Someone stepped on it after a coypu passed by.

Fettered - Interestingly shaped Greek cheese.

Unfettered - vegan Greek salad.

Anabolic-a. And what would you like with your penis transplant sir? b.That goes nicely with your transition Miss.

Dettered-Clean up after failing over kilburn.

Panting - Jamaican cooking device.

Brucellosis - A disease only affecting Australians.

Hospice - Tasting note for American beer.

Balloon-Mad sheep.

Undeterred - An age-related accident.

Diphthong - Low Beam underwear.

Harpist - After drinking a six-pack of Special Brew.

Contagious - The time it takes an old git to do anything.

Melancholy - A fruit that rounds up sheep.

Focaccia - a. Jeffrey has written another crap book b. Carrie has fun in the hayloft.

Judicious - Kosher washing up liquid.

Subdued - Kosher underwater device.

Osmosis - Biblical Australian character.

[Bikkie]

Only 5000 steps a day now needed to stay healthy. From yesterday's Fitbit data my right arm will live to be 100 but the rest of me is fucked



At my funeral, feel free to say "Fuck I hated that guy!"

After all, I don't plan on attending.




What does the term BOAT stand for?

Bring out another thousand...





Spent my two-week summer holiday in Amsterdam, touring the topless bars.

Had a great time, but I'm sunburnt to fuck.



Those who can, do.

Those who can't, become influencers on TikTok.




Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men"




Our lodger couldn't pay his rent this month. He asked if there was another way of covering the payment.

I brought the wife in, naked.

Fastest cash payment I've ever seen.




Jada Pinkett Smith.

The only bullet Tupac managed to dodge.




Listening to the National Anthems playing in the Women’s World Cup, I’m struck by how boring and uninspiring they all seem to be.

Why can’t we have something more upbeat and catchy like the chase theme from the Benny Hill show - Yakkety Sax?

At least until they catch Prince Andrew.




Listening to the National Anthems playing in the Women’s World Cup, I’m struck by how boring and uninspiring they all seem to be.

And the National Anthems are no better.



When I go out into town, I like to take my man bag with me.

Although my wife hates that nickname.





The penis joke
The penis lives the saddest of lives
His family are nuts
His neighbour is an arshole
His best friend is cunt and his owner love to give him a good beating



I went to my local and I asked wats the WiFi password is You need to buy a pint 1st barman said I'll have a pint of lager then I asked again wat the WiFi password was You need to buy a pint first Capitol Y Small o small u ...............




Name six Wimmin footballers ? Nope ?
Name six atomic elements from the periodic table?

See, you're closer to being a scientist than you first thought!



I'm not booking with Trivago anymore.

They keep showing how much my rooms cost to everyone else in the hotels.




Wayne Rooney says he's giving his girlfriend a knee-trembler later on

He's hid her zimmer frame





The wife said she wants to go to a nursery and garden centre.

Isn't it dangerous to have babies near spades and hoes?

What do you call someone who's part of the LGBTQ community that's lactose intolerant?

Non-buy-dairy




Feel free to crack jokes about me at my funeral, because it won't be the first time people have had laughs at my expense.




All lemons are actually either male or female.

The male ones have seeds and will randomly squirt in your eye.

And the female ones will suddenly turn sour for absolutely no fucking reason.



Sebastian misleads Ariel in The Little Mermaid while singing, Under The Sea.

The song title refers to the scientific theory that Earth's lithosphere comprises a number of large tectonic plates which have been slowly moving for 3.4 billion years, explaining how major landforms are created as a result of these subterranean movements...and not fucking seaweed.





My Granddad had a stroke and I remembered FAST from MINICLIP:

Force
Aim
Spin
Time

I beat the crap out of him at 8 Ball Pool.




A Nigerian woman, Iranian man and an English woman were having a heated debate on Reddit about being homosexual, and who has it the worst...

The Nigerian woman said, "I clearly have it the worst. In my country if I am found guilty of sexual intercourse with my partner, I'll be lashed 100 times or imprisoned."

The Iranian man replied, "Sure, that is bad.. But if I were found to have sexual relations with my partner the punishment is death!"

The English woman replied, "I don't know what you two are complaining about? Me and my partner both get our period on the same day!"



I no longer see my wife and children due to my gambling.

I won the jackpot and fucked off.




Music critics were always banging on about how Bill Wyman was the weak link in the Rolling Stones.
They seemed to forget how well he knew his way around A minor 13th.




Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway.

Stupidity is the same and that's why life is so hard.



Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's goal is for Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet to have a normal life.

Right after they've finished monetising them.




What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.



"Too much love will kill you", sang Freddie Mercury back in the 1980s

Especially like him when it's unprotected & up the shitter

[Bikkie]

I'm positive that all Swedish films are pornos.
There's always a SLUT at the end.





Why can't Elton john eat lettuce?

Because he's a rocket man



What did the lesbian pirate say to her girlfriend?

Scissor me timbers




Prince Andrew says he's in favour of pulling out of ECHR.

Although he can't remember for the life of him which schoolgirls' initials they were



The other night, my mum tried to make a pass at me while drunk. Shocking, really, since she can’t even play football when she’s sober.



I heard you can tell if your partner is having an affair by their excuses for being absent.

I would tell my wife, but she’s taking the ferret to midnight yodelling lessons.





My prudish dyslexic mother is disgusted about the prospect of closer ties with the EU.

She's been hearing these things about joining the Spangle Market & Cumstains Union.



After Wilkos now both Marks and Spencer and Poundstretcher are in trouble.
So much so that they have decided to merge to cut costs and create a larger shop.
They will call it Stretch Marks.



A: 12-1. 8-3. 6-1. 5-2. 2-1.

Q. What are the odds Trump gets convicted of something?



Just watched the latest Virgin Galactic launch on TV.

I noticed two monkeys on the mission to space. Surprised the media didn't pick up on that if I'm honest.



The Omaze Lottery supports RNLI. 1 winner gets a million pound house and 1000s of illegal immigrants get a taxpayer funded 4 star hotel.

Everyone's a fucking winner, eh.




After Fast and Furious 10 , the makers claim to have made the most sequels.
Obviously they've never seen Brazilian anal fisting scat munching sluts 13 .

Unlike me




I think Lenny Henry is a talentless, opportunistic cunt, but I can't say it out loud.

That's cos I've got a sore throat so I'm typing it instead.




I'll tell you that story about going for a walk with Yogi in a sec - bear with me.



I'm going to start a porn site for those sexy TV cooks.

I shall call it 'Only flans'




Getting so much backlash over my new business name.
"All Whites"
I don't understand it. We sell eggs.




In conclusion, there are ten letters.




Why on Earth would you think it was good a idea to take a shit on the public library computer?

Because the sign said "Don't forget to Log out before you leave", your honour



The non - binary form of dude is dooh- dah - day.

[Bikkie]

When I turned down a Trans woman, I got told: You can't refuse, I have a protected characteristic.

So I said: Sorry, I only do bareback.



Finally, after all these years of wishing and hoping, at the end of the England v Columbia game some of the players swapped shirts, the bastards must have known I was watching ‘cos they were wearing bras underneath.



On his Bayern Munich debut, Harry Kane ran over to the ref to complain about a penalty decision, but after a few short words the ref waved him away.

"I don't know what that was all about, he just started blabbering in some really weird foreign language" said the English speaking referee.




How come miss Universe is always won by someone from Earth ?




Our local Wetherspoons must have gender neutral toilets judging by the number of he/hims that miss/missed the bowl.



Watching Chelsea v Liverpool always reminds me of table football.



I saw a man coughing and wheezing the other day.

Turns out, he was a member of Team Rocket.




What do you call a horse doing charlie?


Camilla


"Keep it up"
Words of encouragement.
Unless you have erectile dysfunction.




Woman's Football has been quite a eye opener for me, I had no idea they made high-heeled football boots.



Call me childish if you want, But if I won the lottery, I think my first expensive purchase would be to hire William Shatner to attend the next public address by the mayor of London, and as soon as he started talking, Shatner would have to stand up, shake his fist, and start angrily yelling out "KAAAAAAAAAAAAHN !" over and over again at the top of his voice.

In case Shatner got removed by security, I'd also have Zachary Quinto sitting a few seats away.




Well done English women. I watched the match , we’ve all got a semi!



If England Women beat Columbia at the football, they're going to celebrate in style

They're currently in close contact with a few people who can provide some good stuff to ensure the party goes with a bang




What's the difference between western society and a game of chess?

Blacks aren't first in a game of chess.

[Piper]

I'm a infant schools
teacher, so as fathers
day is fast approaching, I
thought it would be fun
activity to split the kids
into two groups, then get
one group to make fathers
day cards..... and the
other group could just do
some finger painting with
their own shit, or whatever
it is that black kids do to
pass the time.

[Piper]

I never realised how
perverted some estate
agents are, only the other
day whilst browsing
through some photo's of
houses, the male assistant
offered to show me his
semi, I tell you, I was
out of there before you
could say, "has it had a
dampcourse"...


A lot of footballers get
done for drink driving, but
Cricketers are a bigger
menace on the roads.
They're notorious for hit-and-run.


We were in the pub last
night when our mate Dave
turned up in the most
embarrassing shirt you've
ever seen.
"Cost me a hundred fucking
quid this." He said, as we
continued laughing.
"I hope you kept the
receipt." I said with a
smile.
"Too right." he replied, "and
now first thing tomorrow,
this is going straight back
to the Spurs club shop."


It's difficult for young men
to get into the priesthood
nowadays.
Far easier for the
priesthood to get into
young men.


Why did the Catholic
priest cross the road?
He was moved to another
parish after certain
allegations came to light.


Energy bills are to rise
because 'Global Stilling'
means wind turbines
are not producing much
energy.
Because we can always
buy a hurricane if things
get desperate...


'... My girlfriend and I are a
great match.
I have a 9-inch penis.
And she doesn't know
which way round to hold a
ruler.


A new study claims
regular sex can help
people stay slim.
Heads up guys, women do
not like the pickup line,
"How'd you like to lose
some weight tonight?"


I once stood in a nightclub
queue in Newcastle, in the
freezing middle of winter.
All I could see were boob
tubes and mini skirts.
That was just the local
lads.


Growing up, I was often
a guest at Katie Price's
home and her mum
always put on a lovely
spread.
Like mother, like daughter.


Met a black Midget today.
I low fived him.


Saw a group of Chelsea
fans playing football with
acat the other night, I was
just googling the number
for the RSPCA when I
realised the cat was
winning 4 nil.


'Girl footballers suffer
more concussions than
boys.'
They should stick to giving
head instead of trying to
head a football.


I've just seen an episode
of a hilarious new BBC
comedy series, you've got
to watch it, funniest thing
I've ever seen in years!!
It's on every night all it's
called "Women's Football."


Why is women's Football
like buying your first
home?
You always hope for
something bigger, but still
have to spend your time
looking at tawdry flats.

[Bikkie]

Breaking news:

'Manchester United set rapid Mason Greenwood return date.'

It seems their press officer is somewhat dyslexic, has a harelip, or both.





When I was in school I was taught that 2 into 3 doesn't go, but then I saw Pornhub



They could have saved more lives on Baywatch if they weren't running in slow-motion.



Most of the people in England are celebrating the women's football team reaching the world Cup final. Apart from their husbands, who are all hungry and living in messy houses



One great indicator that you're getting drunk is when you find yourself constantly dropping things, like your standards.




And now sport, in todays gashes match in Australia was beaten by England.




Harry Kane is delighted knowing that most of the Bayern team speak English

So much so he is now planning on taking an English language course



Harry kane is finding it hard adjusting to life in Germany because of severe communication difficulties. Same as in England then?



Disney have spent the last month in Saudi Arabia finding Neymar.




Mail carriers, eh?
They're really pushing the envelope.



A cannibal family are having their tea at home.

“Don’t stroke your cock at the dinner table please darling”, says Mum to the eldest kid.

She turns & whispers to her husband, “That’s the second time I’ve told him not to play with his food”


My first gig was the Beatles at the Cavern.
Don't remember it as I wasn't born yet.
Went with my Dad, came back with my Mum.




In the women's world cup, is it PC to say straight red card?.



Is a lesbian nana more bent than a normal one?




My new chat line for non-binary people to meet other they/thems isn't doing very well. Anyway if you want to give it a go, call 0101 101010

[Bikkie]

I’m not saying England’s women’s team played shit to lose 1-0 but the other side did have a 30 minute siesta.





Makes me wish I'd put £50 on England losing.

Instead of a blowjob from the wife. Ouch.



I'm going to miss the World Cup now it's over.

It'll be hard to go into a pub & not hear women yelling about something

I don't understand...



The trouble with women’s football is that whenever one of them is on the ball. They all synchronize and get on the ball all at the same time.
Sorry I meant blob not ball.
Fucking spell check.



Never mind girls, I'm sure they'll be plenty of cups at home in the sink for you.




England women's team found to comprise of Scouse men who identify as women footballers.

Pronouns: We / Was / Robbed




England won the World Cup 57 years ago against Germany.

This year, as a mark of respect, I haven't eaten anything by Heinz.




The Lionesses lost in the World Cup final.

Proof that English women are still at least 57 years behind the men.



England's women conceded a penalty after the player's hand was adjudged to be in an unnatural position.

It want holding an iron or a vacuum cleaner.



Prince William wishes Lionesses all the best ahead of showdown.

He and his old man plan to bag as many as they can until the ammo runs out.



Great news for any husbands of the England Women's Football team...

at least they'll get their dinner tonight and their shirts ironed.




This World Cup has been wonderful for equality. We now know England women are every bit as good as England men at bottling it.


Women's World Cup commentary.
Listen to women endlessly yapping on.

Like they fucking needed an excuse!





I was going to say it's been men against boys...
Shit it's women against girls




How do you tell the difference between the Womens World Cup final, and the Mens World Cup final?


Typical women screaming in the womens final.




You can tell the ENGLAND woman are in the world cup final by the empty shops and empty roads and all the England flags on the cars and houses......NOT 😄😄 #WomensWorldCupFinal




Do they still swop shirts at the end?? Asking for a friend





How far can a black man run?

It's hard to tell, chains are all different lengths.






My biggest fear about climate change is that about half past ten it's gonna start raining men


"HIV Cure Breakthrough"

They've had one in Saudi Arabia for decades - capital punishment for queer sex.





Donald Trump is to issue a 'seal of approval' for his fundraising campaigns, to 'protect his donors from malicious scammers'.

Yeah, that'll do the trick.





Your mum self identifies as Santa Claus.
Ho/ho/ho




Why do we use black pens on white paper?

To make Hangman more realistic.




I asked my gay son, "How many wings does a black rooster have ?"

"Two."

"How many legs does a black rooster have ?"

"Two,"

"How many hairs are on the back of a white cat ?"

"I have no idea."

"Figures you know so much about black cock but absolutely nothing about white pussy."




I identify as an Irish man. My pronouns are dis, dat, dees and does.




My mate told me he now identifies as an ambulance

His pronouns are Ne/Na



Two Jehovah's Witnesses walked up beside me in the supermarket earlier & one shouted, "Do you see the light? Do you see the light?!"

I was getting ready to chin the bastard when the second one said, "No it's ok. I prefer full-fat anyway"




That moment on the beach when a woman stares back at you and then you remember, you’re not wearing your sunglasses.


I now identify as this little piggy.
My pronouns are We/We/We.



What do you call a blind German?

Nat-zee



Sir Walter Raleigh famous for tobacco potatoes and the chopper bike



Discriminate:

How a Jamaican prison officer describes the offender in cell number eight.

[Piper]

The Great Australian Bake
Off's on and the wife said
she loves the feeling of a
Mille-feuille in her mouth.
How can she think
of Harry Potter while
watching a cooking show?


The rising costs of living
has taken a very bad toll
on me over the last two
year's as nearly everything
has skyrocketed in
housing rent, food and all
the bills have significantly
increased two fold.
Fuck this. I'm taking
the cheapest one way
ticket out of this god
forsaken kip to the
cheapest country in
Africa in exchange for all
of this where I'm going
to take the opportunity
of a lifetime where the
standard of living only
costs up to £6 a month.


This 'heat or eat' dilemma
is not as drastic as people
make out.
Switch the central heating
off for 10 minutes and
you can save enough for a
KFC bargain bucket.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

Chandrayaan-3 has just
landed on the moon, but
reports say the Indians
will be coming right
back as they can't find a
corner to put a fucking shop
on... Cunts!!!


One small step for man
One giant leap for Mandeep.


India becomes first
country to successfully
land a spacecraft on the
lunar south pole.
I didn't even know they
delivered there.


I've just had sex with a hot
Indian girl who was very
impressed with my south
pole.



Just watched that India
moon landing thing.
Bit disappointed the iron
chicken didn't appear in it


India lands on moon
Luna corners shop now
open.


So, this time next week
they'll be call centres and
corner shops on the dark
side of the moon...


India makes histroric
unscrewed landing on the
moon's south pole. When
asked why there was no
crew sent on this mission
a representative replied
"because most of the time
our people like to ride on
the outside of vehicles"


Surprised India decided
to land on the moon
first when most of
women have a tattoo of
Mars on their foreheads.


Houston, we have a
poppadom.


I'm pretty sure the Indian
moon landings are fake.
Those pockmarked
photos of the Moon are
actually a close up of a
poppadom.


I wasn't really paying
attention to any of the
"India on the moon" news
stories, but I just watched
a report about it, and
realised that it isn't even
a manned mission!?!?


Seems like people are
making a hell of a lot
of fuss over them just
sending a probe...
Mind you, I suppose it
makes sense that they
couldn’t get any Indian
guys to go up there.
After all, it's a 3 to 5 day
mission, and no Indian
bloke is going to trust
his wife to run the shop
properly for that long.


Amir Amatmamoon.


The moon is now made of
Paneer.


British Gas set up new call
centre on the arse end of
the moon.


Who imagined that
India would have
the technology for a
successful Bhuna
landing?!


Retro Go

FIDO Go

Guidance Go

Control Go

Telecom Go

Raitha Go

Poppadom Go

Lime pickle Go

Pilau Rice Go

Chicken Bhuna Go


The Indian Dark Side of
The moon.

1.Are you Being Speaking
To Me?

2.Bad Breath ( in the air )

3.On the Runs

4.Thyme

5.The Great Curried Pig in
the Sky

6.Money

7.It's Always Us Against
Them

8.Any colour You Are

9.Brain Damage From
Radiation

10.Lunar Eclipse

Thank you please


I feel like I'm Pink Floyd
this morning.
The wife's finally let me
enter the dark side of her
moon.

[Bikkie]

Now the Indians are on the Moon.

Welcome to the Dark Side...



Now that women's football is taking off, my Fannyni stickers idea is ready for Dragons Den.



Indian's next mission to the moon will be codenamed Operation Moonraper



Congratulations to India for putting the first scam call center on the moon




I find that Japanese girls are often radiant. Especially if they are from Hiroshima or Nagasaki.




Heineken has sold off seven breweries for one dollar.

Stupid cunts, I would have given them $20.



I don't know why it's taken me until now to realise that the Moon occasionally resembles a chapati




If
NASA
Did
It
Again


Non-alcoholic drinks.

For when alcoholics aren't able to drink alcohol.




India would never put a man on the moon.

No one would be willing to close the shop so they could go.



The bloke who invented the time machine has died.

RIP Dave Jones. 1974 - 1746.



Looking forward to REM's comeback single

'If You Believe, They Put A Naan On The Moon'



I've just seen Jamie Oliver making a salad with watercress and lollo rosso.

Although I'm not sure where his other son was.




I've been to the National Railway Museum in York. They've really got a knack for bringing the railways to life.

For example, while I was using the men's urinal, the floor suddenly gave a lurch and I pissed on my own leg.




In honour of Chandrayaan-3 my local Indian shop is doing special 'Moon' prices, £1 for 1kg of chicken. So I went in and gave him £1 and he gave me one drumstick.

I said 'There's no way that's a kilogram!' and he said 'Well my friend, on the Moon a kilogram only weighs 166 grams doesn't it?'



Got chased around the shopping mall earlier by 2 men dressed up as Boeing 747s.
Only just found out they were plane clothed police.

[Piper]

Philip Schofield has a
wonky willy.
From entering the
chocolate factory so
often.


Mark Knopfler is taking it
easier these days.
He is now a consultant of
Swing.


I was at a fancy dress
party recently and pulled
a blonde dressed as a
pheasant.
She was fair game.


My mates about to get
some unwanted police
attention.
I've lean L plate on his
taxi.


The new delta strain
spreads faster than my
skank whore ex, but does
leave less long-term
negative effects and a
better taste in the mouth.


The women's world cup
was on recently...
Apparently

[Piper]

As ULEZ is expanded
throughout London
from today, Sadiq Khan
has a new initiative for
swimmers who use local
authority facilities.
For a 12.50 charge, you'll
be allowed to piss in the
pool.


Not a great day for gay
women in London.
From today they will be
driving around and seeing
a sign every 5 minutes
that says ULEZ.


Let's face it, we're all
shocked by Elton John
suffering an injury in Nice
We all assumed it would
be in Nephew.


Elton John hospitalised
after failing from a
balcony at his French villa.
Or maybe someone
Tossed him off.


Not the first time Sir Elton
has been found on all
fours biting the carpet.


Noises detected in biggest
hunt for the Loch Ness
monster in 50 years could
have been ducks.
Just proves the whole
thing is quackers.

[Bikkie]

My dyslexic mate refuses to admit he's gay.
He's in Daniel.



Relatives of Jack Sonni were approached today by an Egyptian undertaker offering the recently deceased Dire Straits guitarist a complimentary funeral - all for gratis.

He said you get your mummy for nothing, get your crypts for free.





Butler: "Good news, Sir. Latest polling shows you above Prince Harry"

Prince Andrew: "Bollocks. How many underage girls has that cunt fucked then?"




Patient: 'Doctor I've got a problem. Every morning I take a shit at 8am'.

Doctor: 'That's quite normal, whys that a problem?'

Patient: 'I wake up at 9am'



As a modern doctor, if a young boy tells me that he 'feels' like a girl, I start gender reassignment surgery immediately

And in the same spirit, if a wafer thin anorexic girl tells me that she 'feels' fat, I prescribe her diet pills straight away



Wolves' Matheus Nunes refused to train, until he was granted his wish of a transfer to Man City.

Man Utd players are now doing the same in the hope that Harry Maguire takes the hint.



As we age our vision begins to fail us, but our ability to see through other people?s bullshit gets stronger.






Does the Taliban say "White Rabbits"...In Afghanistan it's The 1st of September 1066




I still use Mr. Muscle after more than a decade - "loves the jobs you hate".

I think their slogan is the reason why, contrary to the expectations of these days, I've never seen a black man in a Mr. Muscle advert.