What's your sickest joke?

[husaberg]

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache
I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"




A bloke down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus.

One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was
such a babe he kept leaning forward to perve on her. Finally, he could control himself no
longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to fuck you up the arse."
With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.

A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you
say to that nun?"

"Well, to be honest," said the bloke, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to fuck her
up the arse."

"Shit, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more
devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at
about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.

The bloke had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for
her to come by.

Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the
bushes, the bloke shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to fuck you up the arse!"

"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.

After the bloke had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not
really Jesus."

"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."



Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found
young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a
toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, young
man?!" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna
do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm
gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my
sister's."

[husaberg]

This guy was on a hot date, and after well and truly fucking this
sweet thing, she turned to the guy and said,
"Wasn't it a bit presumptuous to think I would let you fuck me on
the first date?"
To which the bloke responded, "Presumptuous, now that's a big word
for a first grader!"


Two vomits are walking down the street when
one of them starts crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the other vomit.
"Ooh, this is the neighborhood I was brought up in"


Joe walked in the door after work and announced his arrival
"I'm upstairs taking a douche," his wife called out.
"I thought I told you never to talk like that," Joe said.
"What do you want?" his wife replied. "Good grammar or good taste?"

A deaf - mute nervously approached the chemist
shop counter to buy some condoms.
He opened his fly, placed his cock on the counter,
pointed to it and laid $5 next to it.
With an understanding nod, the pharmacist whipped
out his cock, laid it beside the other man's, grinned
in triumph, took the cash and walked away.



A bloke comes home to find that his wife is packing her
suitcase. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you" she sobbed. "I heard that you are a paedophile".
"Hell", he said. "That's a big word for a five year old".

[gjm]

My missus is pissed off at me again.

Last night while she was asleep, I gently removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper.

She's got no sense of humour...

[husaberg]

One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot four
and built like a brick shithouse. He has a huge red beard and despite
the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his
kilt and a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely
gorgeous, she's slim, shapely, with a fair complexion. A real heart stopper.
The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the
highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
Right, yew" he shouts, "I want yew to masturbate",
"but…," stammers the driver,
"Now..., or I'll bloody kill yew"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only
takes a few seconds.
"Right" says the highlander "Do it again!"
"but…," says the driver.
"Now!" yelled the irate highlander.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again!" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, he
collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again!" says the highlander.
"I just can't anymore, you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"Aie right laddie" he says, "Now yew can gimme daughter a lift to Inverness".


A married guy is hanging his head.
His wife Says, "Honey, how come you are hanging your head, after all,
it's our 15th wedding anniversary.
Husband Says well honey, I was just thinking back 15 years ago when I
committed that crime, and your father the judge said, "Son, you can spend
15 years at hard labour or marry my daughter". And you know honey, I was
just thinking: I'd be out today"



Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get
something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and
waited by a path.
Before long, along came a little old man.
The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father.
"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs.
We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man.
The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said.
"We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her."
"No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive,
and eat your mother".



A man called into work sick.
"I can't come into today. I'm really, really sick. I've been in bed all day."
He says to his boss
"What! Are you totally crazy? This is the day we are meeting with
our most important account!" Yells the angered boss into the receiver.
"Sorry boss, I'm Really sick!." The guy says to his boss
"Just how sick can one man be, when the future with this company is on the line?"
asks the furious boss.
"Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter!"



The bloke asked his date, "What do you think of anal sex?"
"Ugh," the girl exclaimed. "I couldn't let anyone stick their prick
up my back passage unless I was totally drunk."
"The whiskey's in the top left cabinet," the bloke said.



Two perfect strangers were talking to each other in the pub. One of them
said, "If you were to wake up in the woods with vaseline smeared all over
your arse, would you tell anyone?" The other one said, "Of course not!"
The first bloke said, "Oh, then would you like to go camping?"

[husaberg]

There's this bloke who's looking for a root, so he goes down to the local to
see if there are any women that he could score with. When he got there, he
noticed that there wasn't even one lady in the bar, and he was just about to
leave, when a wheelchair comes through the door. There's a girl in it so he
goes over to her and says, "G'day!"
He hints to her that he's after a bit of genital exercise so she tells him he can
take her home if he wants.
After a couple of drinks they leave. He wheels her down the road till they
come to a paddock. He says to her.
"You don't mind if I take a shortcut across the paddock do you?"
She tells him that's okay.
Halfway across the paddock she says, "See that fence, well I live just behind it,
so why don't you just prop me up on the fence, go for it, then take me home?"
So the guy does.
When he gets to her house, her father answers the door. He's a really big man but
very friendly. He asks the guy in for a beer.
The guy gets to wondering why the father is being so nice, so he says, "Look, I just
had my way with your daughter and you're not mad."
The father raises himself up and looks the guy in the eyes, "You're welcome here
any time - all the other guys leave her on the fence!"

[husaberg]

An old bloke went to his doctor and said, "I've got this toilet problem, doc."
"Well," said the doctor, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at seven o'clock - like a baby," replied the old bloke."
"Good," said the doctor. "How about your bowel movements?"
"Eight o'clock each morning - like clockwork," answered the old bloke.
"So what's the problem?" the doctor asked perplexed.
"Well," the old bloke explained, "I don't get up until nine!"

[husaberg]

An Italian butcher lived in a flat over his shop. One night he was woken by strange
noises coming from the shop?
He tiptoed downstairs and there he saw his 24-year-old daughter masturbating with
a huge salami.
He sighed to himself and went back to bed.
The next day a customer walked in the butcher's shop and asked the butcher for
some salami.
"I'm sorry, I don't have any," the butcher explained.
"But what's that hanging up on that hook over there?" she cried.
"That, lady," he said, "is my son-in-law!"

[husaberg]

This bloke picks up a hooker and goes up to her room, peels all her clothes off,
lays her down on the bed then proceeds eagerly to eat her out. At one stage he
stuck his tongue in to the hilt and suddenly pulled his face out of her cunt and spat
a bit of cabbage into his hand. He started at it for a few seconds, shrugged his
shoulders and thought "What the fuck, not that strange," and went right back to
the task at mouth.
Well he brought her off several times as well as himself. A couple more times he
repeated the tongue right in bit and again was rewarded with the odd bit of refuse.
As he was leaving, out of sheer curiosity he turned around and asked her, "Hey,
have you been sick lately?"
She said, "No, but the fellas before you were!"

[husaberg]

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because
her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk
to her mum.
She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.
"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.
"Give me a look," said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding - some bastard's
cut off your cock!"

[husaberg]

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally
and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

[husaberg]

The doctor said to the housewife, "I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch!"

[gjm]

[caspernz]

Malaysia Airlines is now the preferred carrier for mother in laws.

They'll either lose her, blow her up, or you'll get your money back...

[husaberg]

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman
who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately,
the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the
bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through
a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of
a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

[JakeTehMuss]

I just bought a Malaysian airlines model plane kit.

I was disappointed when I opened the box and saw all the pieces and realised someone had already made it.

...............................
I keep trying to make jokes about Malaysian airlines but the first one got no response and the second one crashed and burned.