What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Got chatting to a real stunner of a girl in the pub.
We discussed the Ukraine situation and what Putin might do if Europe intervened.
I said he would probably nuke us and we'd only have 20 minutes warning.
She asked me what I would do if that happened.
I answered, "Shag the arse off of anything that moved. What about you?"
She replied, "Stand very, very, still"




What's the difference between my bank account and my testicles?

My wife is very fond of draining my bank account.


Billy Eilish said that America should send troops to Ukraine as a preventative measure.
Joe Biden says he'll wait and see what Miley Cyrus has to say first.



Usain Bolt is black. So is Linford Christie.

And there you have it. You can always trust a black man to do a runner!

[R650R]

“As a German I just wanna get some things straight...

The entire western world wants us to:

Build up a huge army
March through Poland
Fight the Russians of needed”

[R650R]

BBC pulls all reporters from Russia after Moscow criminalises “ disinformation”

Trans people are being stopped from leaving Ukraine as their gender doesn’t match passports

[Piper]

Why don't Ed Sheeran
and Adele to perform
a concert in Kiev? That
should make the Russians
retreat...
( I'd suggest Yoko Ono,
but the Ukrainians would
bugger off too... )


Richard Branson, 71 is
sued after 'deliberately
sending faulty rockets to
space.'
And yet his trains are so
perfect.


How do you make a Black
Russian?
Get the BBC to remake Dr
Zhivago.


The wheels of time rolls
ever onwards.
Ancient writing was done
on wax or clay tablets
using a stylus
Eventually tablets were
replaced by scrolls,
which were themselves
superseded by books.
It’s all different nowadays,
We now we read books on
tablets by scrolling, often
using a stylus to do so.


According to new
research, heavier men last
longer in bed.
But that includes time
looking for their
penis


I and a few other people
were approached by a 70s
pop group who wanted
to find a high street video
shop. None of us knew its
location. Come on. "Does
anyone know the way,
there's gotta be a way.
to........!!!

[Bikkie]

I don't get along very well with my stepmother.

I think I can trace it back to her wedding reception, when I asked the DJ to play 'Papa's Got A Brand New Bag'.



For Sale..
Two antique silver plated petrol lighters...
One empty £25.
One full £225.



With all the African and Blonde Ukrainian refugees coming over, the streets of Kent are looking like a Brazzers set



My girlfriend left me today.

I guess my future's in my own hand now.



It took Vladimir Putin this long to declare Ireland as "an unfriendly country ".

Anyone who ever visited Belfast could have told that right away.

I can’t believe Carlsberg are to stop selling all products in Russia, I thought it was a war crime to cut off a countries water supply.




In a new survey, 1 in 5 Americans believes that God steers the economy.

So mystery solved—God is Chinese...


I once hadn't done the laundry for awhile so I wore an old T-Shirt that read "Dungeon Master."

This gothic girl asked me if I was into D & D

"No, S & M."



Jizz's Russian leader metal shit container idea has been stolen by gays in celebration of Pride Month -

The 'Glad I'm Queer Poo Tin'.



BREAKING NEWS:
SALES of second-hand cars in the UK are at an all time high after buyers discovered they often come with a full tank of petrol.'




1 man with 2 girlfriends equals 1/2 a penis each...
(them having dicks at all could be a worry)


'...Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was just a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"
Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for about a year."


SAVE fuel by planning all of your journey's downhill.

[Piper]

"I'll be ready in 5 minutes!"
My wife letting me know
that I've got time to check
out that Director's Cut
Extended Edition 'Lord of
the Rings' blu-ray I bought.


When I go camping, I shit
into a metal container, and
recently I manufactured
a lid for it with Vladimir's
face on, to prevent
spillages.
And so other campers
know it's my poo tin.


I've just accidentally
Signed off an email with
'Many Tanks,' and now
I feel like a Ukrainian
farmer.


My car just made a
very worrying noise all the
way home that made me
feel tense.
Radio 1 played Adeles new
song.


The latest statistics
suggest that China's
population is on track to
begin shrinking soon.
Fuck me, as if them
Chinkies aren't short
enough already.


I just saw someone
disappear in an instant,
like magic.
It was a member of the
Taliban who had just
shouted "Allah Hu-Akbar!

[Piper]

The Royal Train takes
precedence over every
train on the rail network,
That's every express train,
every goods train and
every replacement bus
service.


The people who are
complaining about petrol
prices.. Have no problem
spending £100 on Lottery
tickets to win nothing.


So Andy Murray is going
to donate his winnings
from this year's tennis
tournaments to the
children affected by
Russia's war on Ukraine.
A fiver it is then.


The BBC have announced
the next Dr Who will be
black. He will be called Dr
Who Dat

[Bikkie]

My wife bought me a petrol cigarette lighter for my birthday, you don't half waste your money on fags she said ..
Its not the fuckin price of the cigarettes I said .Its just cost me £200 quid to fill up the lighter ..


What's the difference between hair and a trigger?

I've never pulled the hair on a black man.



With the fuel prices escalating, I'm worried soon I wont be able to fill my cigarette lighter.



"The wise speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something"

Made me realise I've never met a wise woman




Male or female:

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off…it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed…but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object… Because to get them to go anywhere…you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female…because they are soft…squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female…because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male… Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people…

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because…over time…all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male… Because in the last 5000 years…they’ve hardly changed at all…and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Male: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it…and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push…he just keeps trying

[Piper]

102-year-old great
grandmother reveals
her secrets to a long
life. Tequila shots,
Jägerbombs, sausage
rolls and Dominos pizza.
Are the things to avoid.


Petrol prices are so high.
That I could only drive
forward to the next
pump...


BREAKING NEWS :
SALES of second-hand
cars in the UK are at an
all time high after buyers
discovered they often
come with a full tank of
petrol. '


Petrol prices are so high.
That gangs are now doing
walk by shootings.


Petrol prices are so high
I'm tempted to get a bag
of coke off Delroy and run
everywhere!


Aren't Molotov Cocktails
chemical weapons?
Just sayin '


Sam Ryder to represent
UK in Eurovision song
contest.
Like most people I
thought, who the fuck is
he.


Iran has successfully sent
a rocket into space.
Iran is calling it a huge
advancement in not letting
women drive..


Paul McCartney' s new tour
is called 'Paul McCartney
Got Back.'
Think I'll give it a miss. I
don't really want to see
him tweaking.


If they're confiscating
everything in Britain that
belongs to Russians, I
want first dibs on Rachel
Riley.


Why did the chicken cross
the road?
Because a black guy was
coming up the other way
Obviously.

[Bikkie]

I have three blond lesbian adolescent Ukrainians living with me now. I receive £350 a month to house them...

And £1000 a month on my hidden camera website.


What does LGBTI+ stand for? No one can give me a straight answer



Does anybody else remember when BAFTA didn't stand for Black Association of Fucking Thieving Arseholes?


In recent years I've lost a lot of interest in the banking system.



If Russia invade Turkey up the rear... Would Greece help?

Lewis Hamilton has announced he's changing his name to include his mother's.

He'll now be known as Carmen Hamilton.


How do you tell it's a smartphone in a supermarket queue?

Because there's a dumb cunt talking TOO LOUDLY into it



We were watching this pretty young woman dragging, with difficulty, a heavy black bin-bag out of a newly built house on the site where I work;
"Bet she's just killed her husband"!, my mate said.

'Nah' I thought...'she'd never kill him at the beginning of the mortgage....'


- Naomi Osaka in tears after getting heckled at match.

Someone should tell the big Serena Williams type tranny that "boys don't cry"


I've had sex with loads of celebrities. I've also got a lifetime ban from maddame tussauds




I went into a pub and said to the guy serving, 'How much is a pint of lager?'

He replied, 'Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.'

Sarcastic barsteward.




People wonder why Muslim terrorists are quick to commit suicide. Let's have a look at the evidence:

No Christmas
No television
No topless sunbathing
Constant wailing from some tosspot in a tower
No pork chops
No burgers
No hotdogs
No bacon
No beer
Rags for clothes
Men wear dresses
Towels for hats
More than one wife
More than one mother-in-law
Can't shave
Can't wash off the smell of donkey
Wipe their arse with their hand
Cook over burning camel shite
Wife is picked by someone else
Wife smells worse than their donkey
The girlfriend's a goat
Then they tell you, "When you die, it all gets better."

No shit.

It couldn't get much fucking worse.




Woman: Why don't you want to marry me?

Man: Before I answer, let me ask you a question. When you were a little girl, who were your favourite bands?

Woman: Well, first it was Take That, then it was Boyzone, then The Spice Girls, and then I got into The Westlife

Man: And who is your favourite band now?

Woman: BTS

Man: And that's why I won't marry you

Woman: What do you mean?

Man: Because I know how fickle and disloyal you are




Just Started Playing in a Posh Rock Tribute Band They're Called BY JOVI




When my wife still worked she told me this black lady in her office was getting married and she was helping her get ready for the wedding.

"She's already got something stolen, now she just has to get something blue."



I only shave my cunt if I'm 100% certain I am going to have sex.
You wouldn't peel a potato if you weren't going to mash it.

[R650R]

Stuck behind a fat lady in supermarket que when her phone started beeping.

My son shouts out “watch out daddy she’s reversing”

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Piper]

I'm looking for
a woman that
loves to suck,
but not
swallow.
I need her to
help me steal
petrol.


According to Bang
showbiz, Daryl Hall was
asked to replace David
Lee Roth in Van Halen.
That's a bit like asking
Demis Roussos to replace
Lemmy in Motorhead.


The Government are
offering people £350
a month to put up a
Ukrainian immigrant.
My wife and I have put our
names forward but the
immigrant must be a hot
blonde with big tits and into
threesomes.


I knocked on my
neighbour's door this
morning and said, "Can
you have my children? I'll
be no longer than a few
minutes, I promise"
"Sure," she replied.
I said, "Great! Get your
knickers off then."


As far as I know, the fine
for running a red light was
£100 and 3 penalty points
on your licence.
I got 2 years in jail and all
my hookers deported.


2020 - 2021 - you cannot
see your friends and
family and must stay 2m
away from anyone.
2022-please take in as
many Ukrainians as you
can.


I once knew a bird that
worked at Autoglass who
would let you do it in her
arse for a takeaway.
First a chip, then her
crack.


Covid regulations : You can
go places again.
Petrol prices : Like fuck
you will sunshine!

[Bikkie]

Mobil are to fit petrol stations with new smart pumps featuring a 12 inch colour display on which they will show pornography. The idea being you can watch other people getting fucked at the same time as you are..



Ukrainian refugees are coming!

Best flick on Pornhub so far this year.



The reason there is no male agony aunts.

Dear Andy,

As I left for work last week, My car broke down not half a mile from home so I had to walk home and was planning to get my husband to drop me off. Instead I found him hand cuffed to our bed while the sixteen year old from next door was riding buck naked reverse cowgirl on top off him I'm at my wits end and don't knew a what I should do, please can you help. Jennifer P.

Hi Jennifer if it's overheating keep an your coolant levels, or just dirt in your carbureta , get your filters and spark plugs changed this should solve the most common problems.

Credit Davey at work.


America has astronauts
Russia has cosmonauts
Jamaica has coconauts

[Piper]

Cyndi Lauper is reported
to be sick and tired of buying
the same herbs over and
over again.
Thyme after thyme.


While addressing
attendees of a St Patrick's
Day reception in the White
House, Joe Biden was
heard saying : "I may be
Irish, but I'm not stupid."
Oxymoron


P & O are using a new type
of ferry
Roll on and Fuck off.


Who Do You Think You
Are Kidding Mr Putin
If You Think We're On The
Run?
We Are The Boys Who Will
Stop Your Little Game
We Are The Boys Who Will
Make You Think Again
'Cause Who Do You Think
You Are Kidding Mr Putin
If You Think Old Ukraine's
Done?


Well the petrol lawnmower
has to go! Just spent
£300 mowing my lawn.


NICKNAMES FOR WORKMATES IN AUSTRALIA

Wicket keeper-puts on gloves and stands back

Harvey Norman - 3 years no interest

Sensor light - only works if someone walks past

Noodles-thinks all jobs take 2 minutes

Blister-appears when the hard work is done

Show bag - full of shit

Lantern - not very bright and has to be carried

Deckchair - always folds under pressure

Perth-3 hours behind everyone else

G-Spot-you can never find him

Bushranger - holds everyone up

Wheelbarrow-only works when he's pushed

Limo - carries about 8 people

Cordless _charges all night but only works for 2 hours

[R650R]

It’s just for two weeks to flatten the curve