What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Being expected to earn the main wage, keep the house clean, look after the kids, do washing, ironing, cooking, DIY around the house, fix the car AND somehow find time to keep in shape is a very tall order indeed

I've no idea how my wife pulls it off



Minute's silence observed in Liverpool to mark Hillsborough anniversary.

They almost got to 10 seconds before a car alarm went off.



Never trust hair dressers.

They are always talking behind your back.




The stranglers were originally an Ipswich group called The Suffolk Eight.




Marry wealthy celebrity. Tick.
Get nice new home. Tick.
Fuck hubby. Tick.
Have daughter. Tick.
Get career. Tick.
Divorce wealthy celebrity. Tick.
Keep nice new home. Tick.
Keep daughter. Tick.
Keep career. Tick.
Fuck hubby. Tick.

Bucket list of a wannabe comedienne.




Marcus Rashford has been playing for Man United this season

But we only have his word for that





Justine Trudau talked about "gay and trans rights" to the lovely Giorgia Meloni, and this conversation had her bored and disinterested with her vagina going dry as a board !!

In fairness, Justine has mostly only ever practiced his flirting game with men.





Religious types like to say that 'the most powerful position is on your knees'.

To be fair, that is where the phrase 'Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus' originated.



My Mum told me that she doesn’t want me to plaster my bedroom walls in posters of the Backstreet Boys.

But I want it that way






My wife insists I do her from behind. At least that way she can’t see me giving her the finger

Although I’m sure she can feel it




Whilst on holiday, my wife stripped down to her tighty-whities and asked if I "fancied a roll in the mud."

I came out of that feeling just like the pig-fucking hillbilly from "Deliverance"




If you're behind a funeral procession on a road and can't get past, are you allowed to undertake?





I've recently been diagnosed with having Coeliac Disease. The dietitian at the hospital told me to sign up to the Coeliac Society website for vital information on what's safe to eat and drink, and what to avoid. And I must say it's probably the worst website I've ever seen.

It keeps telling me to "accept cookies", but it doesn't fucking say if they're gluten free.




I burst into tears whilst cutting up an onion this morning. I imagine you would too if you’d been watching your wife suck off the milkman whilst you were doing it




Rumour has it Taylor Swift is endorsing Joe Biden.

Which makes a lot of sense because 90% of her songs are about choosing the wrong guy.



When I make a spliff they always come out perfect.

It's just how I roll.



Everyone saying we're on the brink of World War 3, is talking bollocks.

The French are nowhere near surrendering.

[Bikkie]

Venus Williams match against Trans woman cancelled .

I'm not playing a man !

Said the Trans woman.




Andrex advert: 47% of people are embarrassed to go to the toilet at work.
Presumably 53% don't give a shit.




Doctors treating Dyslexia have a new breakthrough, it's called Dailysex





My Dad always says "It's never too late to apologise".

Nice bloke and well respected by the other VAR officials.




I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"

He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell".




"Angela Rayner is "Toast"
And Meghan Markle is flogging jam for $30 a jar.

I think I'll fast for a day or two.





Who picks up guide dog shit?




Emile Cairess finishes third in the London Marathon behind Alexander Munyao and Kenenisa Bekele.

As improbable as a white man chasing two black guys through the streets of London.





For the last 3 days someone has been leaving lego blocks outside my front door....

I really don't know what to make of it....




At the London Marathon, (total distance 26 miles 385 yards), a 273-yard stretch of road is called Rainbow Row - dedicated to all the queers.

Seems a bit much.



Another London Marathon and discrimination comes to the fore again on the BBC.

They've shown a distinct lack of colour taking part and all the whites are chasing after the blacks.



Can't help thinking the Mirror headline "Tory MP's rent boy lover was in Britain illegally after being refused entry THREE TIMES" must be fake news.
Mark Menzies never refused a repeated entry.




You won't fucking believe this.
Am I seeing things?
I've just put the TV on and there are loads of black men running through London without a knife or handbag in sight.




There so much focus on the negative historical consequences of slavery but everyone conveniently ignores the long term benefits.

Take a look at the elite men’s category of the London Marathon.

A bunch of skinny black dudes being chased across London by a load of slower white men. When do we get our reparations for that?




When I first started learning to tattoo, I decided to tattoo myself first. Nothing extravagant to begin with, I just did a little number two.

I couldn’t help it, I was nervous and it really hurt.



I've decided to pimp out a couple of residents from the local covent


My pro nuns are Sister Mary / Sister Margaret



Robocop Directives

1987:

1) Serve the public trust
2) Protect the innocent
3) Uphold the law

2024:

1) Chase down 'offensive' Tweets




I know how to make a redhead scream all night.

I keep smacking her sunburn.



The twang of an elasticated suspender belt as she adjusts the height of her seamed silk stockings is a favourite sound to any heterosexual man in the bedroom.

For Wayne Rooney however, it’s the clunk of a pair of dentures as they hit the bottom of a glass of Sterident on the bedside table.




I don't understand why doctors keep demanding fair wages.

I've never seen a guy in a lab coat running dodgems or selling candy floss.




If life gives you Dyslexia.
Make Lyxsilade




My Dad reckons that people with body modifications are mentally ill, crying out for help, but never truly want to listen

Something like that anyway. Those tattoo guns are fucking LOUD


Someone told me I was bigoted.

I said thank you, but it's spelt R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L.





I've just won the 'most secretive person' award.


I can't tell you how much it means to me.


For all the rich cunts out there:

It's money, not mummy.



Just met a woke Persian.

His pronouns were xer/xes




I identify as Chinese and my pronouns are ching/chong.




Teaching European history to Chinese students isn't easy.

I started with Rollo and they all thought I was talking about an old Liverpool player.




Whenever Donald Trump's in town, someone always ends up getting burned.




I Bought 4 hot drinks going into work this morning, I dropped the coffee, dropped the hot chocolate and dropped the cappuccino! That’s me down to a Tea!




We're men. We grow old, not up.




A recent survey of Londoners asked whether there was any communication barriers given London's multicultural population. Two people complained the question was racist, whilst another 64,798 didn't understand English.




I've bought an instant digital language translator.

Perfect for my trip to London.




Music Trivia No 32-
ABBAs original title for'Dancing Queen' was,'Phwoar, Your Disco Fanny Stinks Love'..,but this was rejected by their record company for being too long.




Donald Trump is a poor person's idea of what a rich person looks like.



My girlfriend said, "When you ask me to marry you, you'd better have bought two carats."

I've just gone and got a whole bag from New World.

Wish me luck.

[Bikkie]

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.....




What do you call an Irishman in a shampoo advert?

Tim O’Tay





In 3,026 years, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.




The Household Cavalry horses are being transferred to the Royal Engineers as they are so good at making a bolt.




I hope the injured horses running through London yesterday are now in a stable condition.




I won't need to advertise my new lip reading business.
It's all word of mouth...





A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.


I said to my girlfriend, "Do you want to see me pull a really ugly face?"

She laughed and said, "Go on then".

So I grabbed hers.




"Another disjointed performance by an impotent disappointment."

Liverpool FC are pretty similar to my cock.




My mate just rang me and asked..."What do you know about, Shetland Ponies".

I replied..."Very little".




Daily Mail headline today

Masturbation might cut the risk of prostrate cancer claims expert and more is better.

Okay guys, off you go to the doctors,.
Get a prescription for 28 days treatment.
Now go visit a nurse of your choice.

Sorted





"Horses on the loose in Central London"


Nice to see Camilla & Anne get off their arses for once and do something



I told my fiance, "In a relationship, two incomes are better than one to ensure happiness."

"So," I said, "you need to find a second job."



My new girlfriend works in a fish market and has a very strong accent. Anyway, she refused to partake in sex with me recently because she has a "haddock".



Look out for the revamped musical, Black Annie.

And the smash hit song, It's The Hard-Lock Knife.




Walked in my bedroom just now and caught my girlfriend, legs apart jilling off.

Bloody hell, I now know where the expression " Beating around the bush" comes from.




Which ethnic group starts smoking at the earliest age?

Gingers. They start smoking as soon as they go out in the sun.



I was getting a lot of grief from my kids about political correctness. They hated it whenever I told them I was off to the 'Paki shop', they insisted that I stop and, for the sake of a quiet life, I agreed.

Anyway, can I get anyone anything? I'm just nipping down to the newsasians.



How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Who wants to know?



I can't believe I met a gay today who wasn't full of himself.

Just some other bloke.



Mum tells you not to get tattoos because they're "expensive and permament".

Mum also insists you get married and have children.


July is the best month because it sounds pretty close to jew-lie, and is therefore more honest than any other month.



Just been watching that video on social media of the story of Joey, an albino brown bear with white fur.

When environmentalists found Joey in the Canadian forest where he lived, they thought he was a wandering polar bear and had him tranquilised and sent 'home' to the Arctic, where he suffered terribly in the freezing conditions.

When they realised their mistake they brought him home, and dyed his fur brown.

Unfortunately, someone reported seeing a 'dirty' polar bear in the forest, and he was captured again, this time being taken to a zoo and put in the polar bear enclosure.

When the other polar bears realised he wasn't one of their kind, they attacked and badly injured him.

The vet treating his injuries realised he was actually an albino brown bear, and so after he recovered they had him transferred to the brown bear enclosure.

Where the other bears stabbed him and nicked his wallet.



Just bought a pond full of carp from eBay for £100.
What a load of shit.
Turns out the seller was dyslexic....





Everyone at my Scrabble club is transphobic! They wouldn't let me play "xyr"!





Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...?
What the fuck were they so excited about?




I got the wrong end of the stick when my 67 year old neighbour Margaret said she ‘needed some sugar in a hurry’

Turns out all she wanted was a cup of sugar




lets see, would i rather subject myself to watching the new dr who or looking at diane abbots fanny? tough call



My surname is Goodyear and, in an astonishing twist of coincidence, I started dating a certain Ms Dunlop.

We were due to get married but, sadly, at the last minute she let me down.




A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you can ever hear.

Unless it's 3am.
And you're home alone.
And you don't have a baby.



It's good having a doctor for a best friend. It has made it much easier for me to claim benefits for three kids who don't exist.



I was making my own Vietnamese rolls at a table in a restaurant when I heard:

"Fuck yo nigga, cause yo nigga ain't me,
Ole broke ass nigga ain't none like me"

So I called over the waitress and said to her:

'I think there is a mistake with the order.
Instead of giving me rice paper, you've given me wrapping paper."

[Bikkie]

What do you call a coon
who works in a call centre?
A who-rang-utang.





I think my dyslexic mate should get a different job. He works at the local mental hospital and he was telling me about this patient who just stares into space in silence all day

"Catatonic?" - I said

"Oh lovely" - he replied - "Ice & lemon please"





Seeing an albino black
person must feel the
same as tackling a crossword
puzzle using words with 3
letters or more,to a racist.
Cue mindless incoherent
abuse responses with no
substance lol



My doctor said to me "Your body isn't producing any magnesium'
I replied "0mg!"







What do cotton and
pockets have in common?
They are both picked by
niggers.


If I had a pound for every time Mrs Browns boys was on, I might actually watch it.







If drugs were legalised
then BLM would complain
that their communties have
lost their income.



Kevin Bacon has announced that he no longer eats bacon. So what? Similar happened 30 years ago with Clarissa Dick.







What does a black woman
use to apply lipstick?
A paintbrush.



Has anyone noticed in the BBC football match hierarchy listings that the women's football always comes above league one?

Give the antI men and woke BBC some credit chaps, it's quite nice to have a woman on top.






I was undergoing diversity
training and was asked to
name 2 words with racial
connatations.
"Knife amnesty"
Got me kicked off the
course.




To those planning on having no kids, look on the bright side:

At least you'll have a lot of money for the government to steal when you die lonely and forgotten!






"You're racist."

"It's a shame you don't
understand the difference
between discrimination,
inequality,xenophobia,
racism,suppression,
bigotry and humour."

"Do you have any black
friends?"

"Fuck no,I like me
belongings."




Donald Trump has finally reached that age where his Pecker starts letting him down.






Everyone talks about
white priivilege,but black
people can say every word
in the English lanuage
plus one.


I've been urged to change the slogan of the construction firm I recently founded. Something other than "We specialise in quick erections."








What do you call a bunch
of black people hanging
from a tree?
Alabama wind chime.



I've just seen an elderly Muslim woman wearing a sheepskin burkha.

She looked like mutton dressed Islam.

[Bikkie]

A recent study found that
people who take their
coffee black are more
likely to exhibit psychotic
traits.
And people who order a
quad shot,non fat,vanilla
soy,extra foam,light whip
with caramel drizzle are
more likely to be their
victims....





My daughter's got a new
black boyfriend that she
chats to on the phone all
night whilst the wife and
I take care of the mixed-race
kids she's already had.
I asked her new black
boyfriend,"What the heck
are you two talking about
so much....plotting ways
to collect more state'benefits?"
"No,with us dats just
instintive."





Did you know that the
phrase " playing the field"
originated in wales?





Most women are "b".
The trick is to work out if
that ends with "sexual"
or "polar" before you ask
them out.





A study shows men
addicted to online porn
suffer short-term memory
loss.
In addition,a study shows
men addicted to online
porn suffer short-term
memory loss.






My wife asked me if I
touch myself when I think
about her.
I said,"often."
"Why," she asked
"I touch my temple
because you give me a
fucking migraine!" I said.





The best part of having
a prostitute die on you is
that the second hour is
free.





There's love without sex
and there's sex without
love.
Then there's you without
both.
Don't know that? I'm
married.





I've just found
out that this emoji is a
laughing face.
For years,I thought it was,
"fancy a chinese tonight?"





I've realised that there are
two very important rules
to being successful.
I never let them know
everything you know.





I've had a lot of days off
work recently because
of that fake virus,so I've
being doing zoom group
lessons of this Israeli,self-
defence/martial-arts.
Don't know why they get
so mad though when I
jokingly call it Jewjitsu.





The lady who was
interviewing me for a
job said,"I've got two
openings."
The reply "There's 3 if you
are brave enough" wasn't was
she was expecting.





Wayne Rooney is paying
the bill at his local Indian
restaurant.
The waiter says to him
"So sorry sir,we've
charged you twice for your
naan"
He says,"That's quite alright-let
her keep it as a tip."





I walked into a posh
restaurant last night and
said,"Where's your bog
mate?"
"Just over there on the
left," he replied,"Are you
going to eat?"
I said,"No,I'm going to
shit."





Experience what 10 years
of marriage feels like
by telling a deaf person
about your day as they
scroll through facebook
on their phone.





I wanted a raise at
work so I was reading
negotiation strategies and
it said: "Make the people
across the table feel
uncomfortable."
Unfortunately they said I
"did far more harm than
good" with my best nigger
and faggot jokes.





On a gay stag do,they
all secretly wish for a fat
stripper.
They love to go on a
massive bender.





The wife said,"I want to
be stinking rich."
I replied,"Just the rich bit
to go then."





Jamaican lad has just
passed his driving test so
his dad takes him to the
local car dealership'
"Farder," he says,"I a-want
a Japanese car."
"Datsun?"
"No dat one over dere."





Kenny Loggins took five
grams of coke to go
down on Katie Price.
He took the high way to
the danger zone.





I told my mate that I got
kicked in the bollocks by a
bird in a park in Chiswick
the other day.
"Turnham Green?" he asked
"No" I replied,"they've
gone purple."





Have you ever tried
archery blindfolded?
You don't know what
you're missing.





I don't have a very taxing
job.
I'm an accountant for
Starbucks.





The black guy next door
reversed into me so I
really went to town on
him.
He gets there quicker than
the bus if you whip him
hard enough.





When girls say: "All guys
ever want from me is sex"
Tell them:
You have no hobbies,
no talents,no wisdom,
no legitimate interests
beyond your personal
vanity,no original
thoughts on politics,
society,philosophy,or
anything else,All you
talk about is random
celebrity dudes you have
crushes on,your exes,and
other shit that revolves
around men or getting
a man while sharing the
most generic memes
imaginable.What else is
there to want from such
a vapid shell of a person?
Your only redeeming
quality is that you can lay
still and take a dick!





What do you call a
chinese bell-ringer?
Ding Ling.

[Bikkie]

I walked into a furniture shop and said to the assistant, " Any chance of a cash discount on that bed?"

"I'll have to sleep on it," he replied.




I remember having a 69 at my local snooker club.

Which is why me and my girlfriend are banned.




A cry bully is a feminist who punches a man in the face then curses him for bruising her knuckles.





"Black youths being pushed away from arts, says Britain’s first black ballerina"

Nonsense, they just find it more profitable to mug old ladies and sell ganja than to dance for a living.




Women footballers "six times more likely to pick up a muscle injury in the days leading up to their period".
-BBC

What injuries would be suffered by members of the team they are playing against?




All of this lgbtq+ shit has got me confused. Then I realised I could never be gay. To be gay means I'd have to fuck a man... and I could never fuck something I respect !




When my wife accidentally superglued her eyes shut due to the glue being next to her eye drops, I did what any concerned husband would do and acted fast

I placed the tube beside her toothpaste




Waiter: "Are you ready to order, sir?"
Man: " Yes ill have the beef, my wife's just at the toilet"
Waiter: "And what will your wife be having?"
Man: "Well she's been gone fifteen minutes so I'm guessing she's having a shit"




think of nickelodeon as a church.

the good outweighs the bad



My Wife says that I never solve my own problems.
How do I prove her wrong ?




Prosecco.

For women.

And men who don't like women.




Harvey Price sings the classics

Side 1

1. Hello (You Cunt) - Lionel Richie
2. When I'm Licking Windows - George Formby
3. Crayon (Over You) - Roy Orbison
4. Spazman - Babylon Zoo
5. Eating The Floor - Judas Priest


Feel free to complete Side 2 ...




Two men have been arrested and charged over the felling of the 200-year-old Sycamore Gap Tree old tree and damage part of Hadrian’s Wall.

Must of been the Special Branch



A policeman pulled me over on the motorway. He came to the window and said, "Papers".

I replied, "Scissors, I win" and drove off.

He must want a rematch, he's been chasing me for miles now.



"Gays for Palestine".
Or as I call it, "How to get stoned for free".



When my 94 year old granddad was put into a home, it was good to see he still had his flirting game on at least.

He approached this other old lady and said, "I'd love to get into your pants, because I just shat in mine."



'Traffic jams' in the hearts of galaxies can force black holes to collide-'
"This is old news, how do u think we came up with the plot line for 'gay niggers from outer space?!" The black scientist told the delegation-




Israel should be banned from Eurovision.

Nobody wants to hear 'Boom bang a bang' every bleedin' year.




I bought a book called "50 things to do with a cucumber"

It's 51 if you eat it.




I unintentionally erased the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch.




You're not born gay.
You get sucked into it.



The new superman will be black

Makes sense the man of steal




‘Better out than in’ my dad used to say.

Great father, terrible heart surgeon.



I lost my job as a babysitter.

Apparently the job title isn't to be taken literally.




"Meghan's CRAZY Nigeria Plans"

In the land of the black, the half-white woman is queen.



Why does the King never lick out his wife?


Because it's frowned upon in this country to eat horse



What do you call a black woman with three cunts?


M People



I can tell if a girl has a good sense of humour, just by feeling her breasts.





My daughter told me how her new black boyfriend got into Oxford.

It all went south after he tripped an alarm burgling the antiquities wing.



"Michael Moore Was Almost Shot By The IDF"

They need more practice if they can't hit a fat cunt like that.



Who remembers the Test Card on the telly?.

Or as it's known nowadays, the Women's Football Show.



Ncuti Gatwa the latest Doctor Who, says he wants a scene where he destroys a monster by twerking.

Well it wouldn't be by working, would it.



Taylor Swift really is a clever artist. For example, the song 'We Are Never Getting Back Together'

Who else would think to write a song from the perspective of her knees?




The actor Hugh Jackman has divorced his wife of 27 years, amid rumours he is in a gay relationship.

Hugh Jacks Man.





The wife said last night, "Can we do some role play?"

I said, "Yeah. What do you suggest?"

She said, "Fireman to the rescue."

I wish she'd hurry the fuck up, I've been stuck up this tree dressed as a cat for twelve hours now.





I think my dyslexic mate should get a different job. He works at the local mental hospital and he was telling me about this patient who just stares into space in silence all day

"Catatonic?" - I said

"Oh lovely" - he replied - "Ice & lemon please"




"When Philadelphia was coined the city of brotherly love", I don't think Cain and Abel were the brothers they were referring to" - Matt Gaetz, May 3, 2024.

[Bikkie]

3 girls are walking home with there mum one day when the eldest turns round and says "mum, why did you name me Rose"?

Her mum replies, "well when we left the hospital a rose petal landed on your head so we decided Rose would be a perfect name."

A little while later the middle child says "Mum, why did you name me Daisy?"

Her mum replies, "well when we left the hospital a Daisy was blowing in the wind and landed on your head so we decided Daisy would be a perfect name."

A short while later the third child called breeze block says "hsydgshjwhdjahduwj"





I once took the bus and in the back there was this black lady glaring at me with the glare of death.

"Right, I forgot how much your sort fucking HATES sitting back here."




"Repair shops' Jay Blades splits with wife after just a year"

He couldn't fix that then.




I once saw an Ozzie Osborne gig at the Cambridge Corn Exchange.

I distinctly remember the smell of lager, stale sweat and marijuana.

Then thankfully we arrived at the venue and the wife got out of the car.




Took my wife for her first ever golf lesson today. Spent the first half of the day in the bunkers and the water...

Second half of the day, I drove the buggy!




Kim Jong Un selects 25 virgin girls every year to serve him in his Pleasure Squad.

He must thank fuck he doesn't run Liverpool.



When I was in America I thought it would be a good idea to go rock climbing.

However, Dwayne just told me to fuck off.



A hunter is walking through the jungle and sees a pygmy stood by the corpse of an elephant.
He says "who killed that?"
The pygmy said "I did" the hunter said "what with?"
The pygmy said "a club"
The hunter said "that's impossible!"
The pygmy said, not really, all the club members stand on each others
shoulders and whack it"

If its a dupe it's a shit one.

I'll get my pith helmet.........



Burglars shot by farmer in Derbyshire.

The farmer would like to reassure the police that lessons have been learned.



People often say you never know what's round the corner.

I do, it's where those smelly fucking Paki's live.



I've opened a club for people with unsightly ulcers, abcesses and sores.

It's called the British Lesion.

[Bikkie]

I was telling a female
colleague that my
nickname for the Missus is
'Jelly Bean'
She said,'Aw,that's cute,how
did that come about?'
You should've seen the look
on her face when I replied,
'Because every time we shag
she smears lots of KY onto
her clit.'



My wife and I once
unbelievably had a
massive row at this
exhibit where we were
doing a simulation of
'What it's like to travel in
outer space!'
I could only sigh,'So
much for the sea of
Tranqulity.'



Sarcastic? Me?
Yeah right.



As I sat down to dinner
with my wife I said,"Have
I ever told you what a
fantastic cook you are?"
"No",she replied.
"There's a good reason for
that," I replied.



I went to look at toys for
my young son and bought
him this plastic battery
operated Jeep for $4oo.
My daughter ruined the
day when she said,"Dad
this is what you'll be
driving too,once we do
what we "have to do" to
fight climate change."



I pulled a prank on the
postman recently,before
his due arrival.I glued the
flap shut on the letter box
so he could not open it...
He got his own back on
me though....he made sure
my wife keeps her flaps
closed on me.

[Bikkie]

My kid asked me what
'perpetuate' means.
I said that's how a chinese
restaurant itemises the
bill.





Riesling...Chardonnay...Merlot...
Cabernet...Pinot noir...
Sorry,I don't know why I'm so whiny
this morning.





I offered my girlfriend
noodles after sex.
So everything is two
minutes her" she replied.





Having the best stamp
collection in the world,
I've received much praise
and admiration,as well
as private invitations to
the most prestigius
functions,parties and
hotels all over the globe.
My dad always said
philately would get me
everywhere.





I asked the librarian if she
could tell me where the
books on the Clitoris were.
She said "They're in the "V"
section,hidden behind a
pair of curtains."





"...I've had a vasectomy
which,by the way doesn't
work.
It just changes the colour
of your kids."





The doctor looked at
me and said,"Do you
realise the damage
your excessive alcohol
consumption has done to
your liver? You seriously
need to give up soon
as possible."
"Fuck off doc," I replied
"You always say that when
it's your round."





Hold it firmly in your hand
put it in your mouth,lick it,
straighten it and put it in
the hole.
It's time to sew the labels
in the kids shirts again.





I was getting on really well
with a girl I met at a party.
We seemed to have loads
in common and before
long we were kissing.
Things progressed pretty
quickly and I started to
put my hand down her
knickers when she pulled
away and said,"Do you
want to go somewher
more private?"
Kinky bitch,I thought,as I
pushed two fingers up her
arse.





Local residents were
impressed after I
volunteered to be a
Marshal and help out with
the covid vaccination
programme.
However they were
less impressed when
I turned up for my first
shift on my trusty steed
wearing leather chaps
and waistcoat,snakeskin
boots,a stetson,a big
fuck off shiny Tombstone
star badge and shot 6
holes in the village hall
ceiling with my colt 45
and shouted,"Who wants
to be my deputy?"





"You cheating bastard."
Yelled the female praying
mantis when her husband
came home headless.





I used to live across the
street from a chinese man
that would walk around
with blinds down and no
pants on.
Dang Ling.






What do you call a
chinese bird who's just
had a face lift?
Niu Chin.





In a new interview, Taylor Swift says,

"I never chase boys.

"Taylor Swift went on to say,

"Once they escape from the compound, they're free to leave."




My grandmother needs protein supplements, so I suggested she suck eggs.




The cost of living has gotten so bad I've resorted to making "specialist" videos to survive.

How specialist? Well let's just say it's not eggs I'm teaching grandmothers how to suck





Blacksmiths

Morrissey's least favourite tribute band




What's the difference between Kevin Magnusson and Alex Fergusson?

Alex Fergusson was only ever awarded 4 penalties in any one weekend.




What's the difference between May and June?


One swipe of Wayne Rooney's Tinder





In the 90’s shouting to a bird get your tits out would have been met with a cheeky smile and the odd flash.

In 2024 it’d be met with flashing lights and 6 months banged up.






Apparently they’ve chosen “Bird Flu”’as the next pandemic?

I don’t know about you lads but could be a good thing?





What do nudists wipe their glasses on......?




My boss said I was the most unsuccessful employee the company has ever had.

Which makes me the most successful employee.





Pubs in Glasgow are like Dairy Milk chocolate.

There's always a glass and a half in everyone.



What's a Chinese pianist's favourite yellow flower?

Ylang ylang.



What a momentous day, I'm so proud. My daughter came running in and said, " Daddy daddy I've done my first Spurs on the toilet! "



What did Martin Bryant call gay people?
Alphabet soup






I was desperate for a shit so I ran into a nearby café, found the first vacant stall, pulled down my trousers and let 'er rip. On the way out I was confronted by a customer who said,
"Excuse me, isn't that the disabled toilet?"
"Nothing a plunger won't fix!" I replied.



"Harry And Meghan Added To The Queen's Declining Health"

I can't say I'm surprised, everybody else is sick of them too.




My girlfriend says she wants me to be more hands-on.

Well, since she's giving me a lapdance, I won't complain.





Jews believe they can sin all year, then transfer their sins to a chicken, and kill the chicken to absolve themselves.

Fair enough, but what if your only sin was choking the chicken?





What's the difference between a pub and Katie Price's legs?

A pub eventually closes at night.



If cinderella's shoes fit so
perfectly,why did it fall off
in the first place?





What do you call a
chinese bird who's just
had a face lift?
Niu chin.





Having tried many
different diets all to
no avail,my doctor
suggested maybe I should
try eating in front of a
mirror naked.
Anyway I'm now banned
from McDonald's





As I got out on the 11th
floor,the lift operator said,
"Have a good day son"
"Don't call me son,you
are not my dad," I replied
sarcastically.
As the doors closed,he
looked me in the eye and
said,"No,but I brought you
up,didn't I?"





I watched the old
horror film Carrie on
netflix last night,loved
the scene where she
kills everyone using her
telekinisis and burns down
the gymnasium.
Mind you with behavior
like that it's no wonder
Cliff Richard booted her
out.





My girlfriend and I decided
to make a sex video.
It's called "The fast and
the furious."





My wife kicked me out
because of my obsession
with poker.I'm sure she's
gonna miss me though
now she hasn't got a full
house.





What does the expression
"Gone with the wind" really
mean?
Just something I've been
wondering for the past
hour or so,ever since
those people shoved me
out of that lift because of
my massive fart.





The hairs on my neck
stood up when the
girlfriend whispered in my
ear,"I found the 10mm
socket."
A lot of girls have said this
to me.
I know they all meant for
my tool.





Scientists have been
studing the habanero
pepper for years,and
found that they lie on the
100,000-350, scoville
range.
Surprisingly,this is only
one 10th as spicy as the
contents of an Indian
latrine.





A new study says men's
brains order the body to
fall asleep after sex.
Still no word on what
makes women fall asleep
during sex...





A new study claims that
women are healthier
without their bras.
The announcement was
made by 3 men trying to
keeo a straight face...





Have you noticed Drivers
of hearses never overtake.
In fact they do quite the
opposite!!!!




You remind me of a lock
down meal deal.
You look good enough to
eat out.





The wife asked why I
never say I love her.
I can't win,only last week
she told me to stop lying.





A quick Google shows that
the works of shakespeare
has been translated into
100 lanuages.Does
anyone know if English is
one of them?





I bought my new wife a
full set cookery DVD,
for her birthday to help her
learn to cook properly.
A month later she bought
me a porn DVD for my
birthday.





A cannibal gets back from
hs holiday in Hiroshima
in nineteen forty five,his
wife rushed to greet him.
"So glad you're back,how
was your holiday?"
"Fucking hot," he replied,
"and that mircowaved
food is shit."





Why don't people who
cook using a slow cooker
just use their normal
cooked and turn it down a
bit?





I used to believe the
conspiracy theories about
the covid vaccine,but
then somrthing happened
that instantly changed my
mind.
I had quick glance at the
people saying it.





Why are fast food adverts
like assault rifles?
They're often aimed at
children.





The man who made
marriage work was Henry
the VIII





Jokes about cocaine are
rarely one-liners.





My mate phoned and
asked if I want anything
brought back from Kuwait.
I said it wasn't my
favourite petrol station but
a Mars bar and 10 litres of
diesel would be fine.





In a desperate bid to find
work,any work,Minnie
Driver has emigrated to
the UK and changed her
name from Minnie to Lorry.

[Bikkie]

Paddy goes into a butchers and orders 2 pound of sausages.

Butchers says, "Sorry Paddy, but we only sell kilos now. "

Paddy says, "That's fine. Give me a pound of kilos."





In a pub, I asked two women if they were sisters.

The younger one said, "I am but my nan here's an orphan spinster without siblings."

Long story short, nan can suck a bowling ball through a warren with her teeth out.






According to the BBC, the 2024 UK Eurovision performance “transports viewers into a post-apocalyptic dystopian boxing gym locker room, aboard a spaceship hurtling toward Earth through a black hole in 1985!”

I feel such a fool now. I thought it was just a bad performance by four shit dancers and a singer that likes bum.




J. Cole touches your heart,
Kendrick Lamar tounches your soul,
Drake touches your kids.





Meghan and Harry take Nigeria by storm and the duchess tells schoolgirls, 'I see myself in all of you'.

A polite way of introducing the 'StrapOn'.





"Prince Harry, what do you think of this Nigeria?"

"Excuse me, that's my wife you're talking about."





Hailey and Justin Bieber announce pregnancy.

But they haven't said which one.



The Irish call their 2024 Eurovision entrant, Bambie Tug.

I thought this was a sex offence.





Vladimir Putin has promised to end the war in Ukraine, if Europe promises to end the Eurovision Song Contest.



Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Jewish woman can't resist anything with 25% off.





My old man told me that people that work with their hands will be in great demand in the future.

The local crackhead prostitute will soon be rolling in it.

[Bikkie]

Not one person anywhere voted for Olly Alexander....that must be devastating for the poor poof and could finish his career in music.

Any chance we can get Sam Smith to do it next year?




Is olive wood Popeyes girlfriend wearing a strap on?






Olly Alexander barely avoids nil pois by getting a vote from George Michaels ghost



If any aliens happened to be watching BBC 1 on Saturday night,they would be wondering how mankind survives,as everyone in the world appears to be fucking queer......




Great to see Israel doing so well in the Eurovision Infanticide Contest




Voting for a non binary twat in the Eurovision seems non brainery to me…




Switzerland, the most neutral country in the world.

Even their Eurovision act can't commit to a gender.




Just seen Israel giving Germany ten points in Eurovision.

Forgiveness in its purest form.





I've just watched the Ukraine Eurovision entry.

It's the bomb.





Joost Klein, the Netherlands entrant in the Eurovision has been banned. For those upset about the news, he has nice big shoulders to cry on.




Iv'e got a dog with no legs called cigarette , i love taking him out for a drag .




Meghan Markle wears a £2,275 Johanna Ortiz sundress to stave off the 95F weather in Nigeria.

Looks like young Jamal will have to keep walking three miles to get water from the well.






What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Count Dracula?


Rooney doesn't mind garlic on his nans

[Bikkie]

I'll never forget the time I met Ugly Spice.

"It's Scary Spice," she said, just before I failed my X-Factor Audition.





What do you call an Indian high wire act?

Balan Singh




Meghan Markle visits Nigeria. Probably went there seeking inspiration for a logo to put on the jars of her new line in jams.





No wonder everyone hated Israel at Eurovision.

They were heterosexual.




Now that Europes biggest gay show, Eurovision, has finished, what have we learnt?
Well, minimum requirements for the future are:
a) Be gay
b) Be camp (BBC loves all things camp)
c) Not be able to sing

Sausage Jockies rule ok...




Definition of implied permission..

Washing tablets adverts
." Best kept away from children "..

Domestic Bleach adverts
" Best kept away from children "..

Durex Condoms.....
no such warning !





Just seen a dating profile:
Looking for a man who has his own house & a good job.
Also needs to have a huge penis.
Must be over 6ft.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but surely nobody has a cock that big?



Upon this beautiful sunny morning, I went for a drive with the wife, top down.

She caused four accidents.

We don't even have a convertible.





I said to my missus

"Shall we go and look at the Northern lights?"

"You can fuck off if you think I'm going to Blackpool at this time of night. " She replied.




Typical non-binary finish in Eurovision.

Olly Alexander wasn't sure if he was going to enter and he didn't come where he wanted.




What do you call a Muslim alcoholic?

Mohammered





Now I know I'm getting old, I can remember when there was just two sexes.

[Bikkie]

I have a wife who is a vegan, a brother-in-law who is an LGBT activist and a sister who is a feminist.

I also have the best noise-cancelling headphones in the world.




The Manchester United manager, Erik Ten Haag has issued a statement:

"We will bring success back to the Theatre of Streams. We know we've been pour and our defence has been a bit leaky, but we will rain again as Premier League champions."





Well done olly alexander. my non binary 9 year old loved your sick performance





Who gave the best blow jobs in the navy?

Fellatio Nelson




Netherlands Eurovision contestant disqualified after complaint of inappropriate behaviour.

Apparently, the cunt started singing.





Why don't they call anal bleaching changing your ring tone?





King Charles has revealed his treatment for cancer has cost him his sense of taste.

This is the guy who climbed over Diana to get to Camilla, he never fucking had any.





My wife called me a sex machine yesterday.

Actually she called me 'A fucking tool', but i know what she meant




Olly Alexander was asked if he would ever be popular.

He said, " Probably, but not for years & years."




Dismay.

Jamaican for the month after disapril.





Old Trafford now has four stands.

The Sir Alex Ferguson stand, The Sir Bobby Charlton stand, The Deep End and The Shallow End.



I went to meet this bird i had found on Tinder.

As I approached her house, she open the door in her negligée.

'That's a funny place to have a door!' I thought.





I met a cracking looking German bird in a bar last night,so I asked her where she was from, "Berlin" she replied. I told her that my Granddad used to do regular trips there,
"What business was he in?" She asked, her beautiful blue eyes glittering with interest, "Demolition mainly " I said, "He used to fly a Lancaster bomber".
I never saw her again.





A creepy thought for the day:

Almost all of us will buy
the clothes in which we
will either be buried or
cremated.
Some of us will already
have bought those
clothes.
Better go check your
wardrobe now.
Or perhaps not!





Don't deter your teenage
son from masturbating.
It's good practice for
married life.





Top Tip: Always listen to
'health experts' even if
they resemble jabba the
hutt after a weekend of
smoking crack.




Gobble-de-gook
when a German bird
sucks a vietnamese nob.





Riding the red rag,a visit
from Aunty Flo,moon
time,Crimson tide.All well
known euphemisms for
the 'time of the month'.





When my girlfriend told
me she had the painters
in' I decided she would
need cheering up so
I popped round with
chocolates and some
Netflix suggestions.
Imagine my surprise when
I walked into her kitchen
and found her stark naked
on a pasting table with
two blokes in dirty overalls
giving her spit roast!





According to a recent
survey,the first thing a
man notices about a
woman is her hair.
The survey was conducted
by The Institute Of Lies.





I got a VW camper,
installed a kick ass stereo
and stocked it with drink,
drugs and hot women.
Not even Ryan Reynold's
could make the van wilder.





Why is it that the people
that are more than likely
to complain about a man
not washing their hands
after going for a piss are
going to be a woman or a
faggot,but then they are
more likely to be sucking a
cock at some point...does
anyone else think that's
double standards?





Did you hear about the
guy who evaporated?
He'll be mist.




What animal should you
not play leapfrog with?
A unicorn.




I call my photocopier Bob
Marley,because it keeps
jamming.





Paddy: "Lisa from down
the street just showed me
a picture of her new baby
on her phone."

Seamus: "So what did she
have?"

Paddy: "One of those
samsung flip things."




"It took me a few
attempts to get today's
five letter wordle solution,
but I got there in the end..."
'pneumonoultamicroscop
icsilicovolcanoconiosis.'





I was hotboxing my car
getting high as shit when
I heard a little voice
say,"aren't you a little
too old to be doing this
now?" "Yeah,you're right"
I thought,I threw the
joint out the window and
finished dropping my kid
off at school.





My wife said,"Heavy is the
crown on the head of the
wearer"
of course her neck
muscles have atrophied
so badly that that Burger
King paper probably feels
like 40 lb dumbbell.





Murphy part-exed his Ford
Focus for a Nissan Leaf
plug-in electric car,A day
later he was back at the
dealership "I want me
Focus back,me money
back and Ye can stick this
fecking pile of crap up yer
erse!"
The salesman be mused
asked "The Leaf is a lovely
car sir,low environmental
impact,technologically
advanced,economical,
what do you dislike about
it?"
Murphy replied,"The range,
it's terrible! If yeez droive
any furder than 30 feet the
plug pulls out've the wall!!"





Dating:* Lights candle to
set the mood* Flowers
chocolates*
Married:* TV Lights Bed*





A recent study shows that
despite 60 years of trying,
scientists have not been
able to locate a women's
G-spot.
Still,you've got to give
them credit for not giving
up after 5 minutes.





"...It was 7 years ago today
that my pal Joey came
running out of that room
with tears streaming down
his face shouting "It's a
boy,it's a boy."
We never did go back to
pattay,Thailand for a
holiday."





So..I said to the
waitress..."Can I ask about
the menu please?"
She screamed back "the
men I please are none of
your business..!!"





I'm glad I'm not wealthy
with a wife half my age,
not knowing if she's with
me just for my money.
At least being poor I know
my wife hates me for who
I am.





Smokers are a dying breed.





What do you call a
chinese burglar?
Loo-Ting.





As I sat there awaiting my
covid jab the young nurse
said,"You might feel a bit
of a prick."
I replied,"have you heard
my jokes love I'm used to
it."





Went on a Bumble date
with this fantastically sexy
24 year old woman I had
plans to leave my wife for.
She said,"Ooh,you're just
like Richard Gere."
"Wow,it's so great I've
finally met someone who
can not just accept but
also participate in my anal
gerbilling"
"Uh,no.I just meant an
attractive older sugar
daddy with grey hair" she
said as she left.





Got a new tyre fitted today
and the mechanic asked
for a box of cadbury's
chocolates as payment.
It was a Goodyear for the
Roses.

[Bikkie]

"KING: I LOST MY SENSE OF TASTE"

You sure did, when you divorced Diana in 1996, but not as badly as your youngest son when he married a skank in 2018.





It's the Me-Me Nigerian Megan Markle Tour.

Is that the name of her tribe?





Haggish - an ugly female, or Sean Connery's favourite dish.

... continuing the theme.





Ten hag bans Manchester evening news from his press conference,bit nieve considering that in a couple of weeks the only job he'll be able get is delivering it





My teacher said I'd be no good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I've made two jugs, a vase and a bowl, so fuck you Mrs Collins





Not many people know that Albert Einstein was a rapper.
His stage name was MC Squared.

I'll get my string theory vest.





I was watching countdown earlier, Rachel Riley was in a very short skirt.
I got aroused.
Only seven letters, but not bad for a first attempt.





Due to the woketards in charge of the BBC, the ratings for Dr Who are going down faster than Olly Alexander on a Swedish rentboy......





I've got a job writing greetings cards
This is my bereavement attempt.:

"sometimes words are inadequate our feelings to express.
But just look at it this way, at dinner it's one less"

Winner or what?





Great to see Tom Hanks at Villa Park last night for Villa's thrilling 3-3 draw with Liverpool


He would have loved Darwin Nunez's cameo as Forrest Gump




Say what you like about the British government, but at least they're committed to rewilding the country.

Judging by their immigration policies.

[Bikkie]

David Coppafeel




David Copperfeel





Magician David Copperfield accused of sexual misconduct by women as young as 15.

Did he make their virginities disappear with his magic wand?




Do you think David Copperfield is going to be forced to tell everyone how he did it?





David Copperfield's next illusion will be to make 16 women disappear with one wave of his magic wand.

Ironically that's what got him into this situation in the first place.




Lawyers for David Copperfeel state claims against him are ‘not only completely false but also entirely implausible’. Good job that's not how he made his career...









Magician David Copperfield accused of sexual misconduct by multiple women.

So, how many fingers did he make disappear?




Shit.

This is an anagram of the word "hits", and that's not the only one.




Greeting card idea:

Now my son you've come of age
I've watched you grow and grow
I'm the one who fucked your mum
21 years ago




I thought of asking ChatGPT to write a limerick about me having a threesome with Megan Fox and Jessica Alba. Could it rival this?

An intimate session with Fox
And Alba will arouse most cocks!
For now, I'll keep quiet
And consider a diet
As I once again wash all these socks.