What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

To commentate the anniversary of D-Day, hundreds have parachuted from RAF planes onto the beaches at Normandy.

In response, President Macron has issued France's unconditional surrender




Helen Worth sad to be leaving Coronation Street after 50 years.
Don't worry love, keep your chin up.




Helen Worth, who plays Gail Platt, is leaving Coronation Street after 50 years.

Looks like ET phoned home, and home answered.



Gail Platt may not have been in Coronation Street since D-day.

But 50 years means she's been there since Waterloo.



Gail Platt actress Helen Worth to quit Corrie after 50 years. She says she wants to follow her dream that she was born to do…

Become a mini boglin



I can tell I know nothing about the soaps because I had no fucking clue Luca Modric was retiring from Corrie before football





I've just won an Elvis Presley competition To claim my prize I had to make a phone call and I was given a choice of prizes I had to press 1 for the money 2 for show




If you know anybody suffering from morbid obesity be kind they've already got enough on their plate.




It’s funny how smells bring back childhood memories like I was once reminiscing about my Nan’s brown crusty bloomers when on a tour of the pilchard canning factory.






"Do you know who I am? I'll have your job for this. "

"Yes Donald, you're a fucking convicted criminal, now shut the fuck up before I throw you in the shower with the gay boys. "





Man arrested over sex offence allegedly committed on flight heading to Ibiza.

Fucking hell, talk about impatient!



There's been some confusion about the identity of the woman who threw a milkshake at Farage.

Shockingly, there may be more than one satsuma-sprayed, piss-bleached, baboon arse-lipped, plastic-faced slapper in Essex.



Could someone with more 'graphic' skills than me please 'find' a Victoria Thomas-Bowen Onlyfans squirter pic...?





I just saw my wife take out more cones than Oprah at the ice cream palace !!

I wondered how that bitch would do the first time I ever saw her drive through construction.



I love extra stuff for free.

I've just held my cock up against a Subway footlong.

The roll must be at least a foot and a half.



Ice cream man arrested after pulling a Magnum on a kid.


I’ll get me white coat…

and me scoop.





All the money I've ever spent on food in my lifetime has been flushed down the toilet.



Diane Abbot has decided to release a Shania Twain single, but she’s renamed it, I feel like a racially discriminated against transgender neutral.



The wife said she saw a fox on the way to work this morning.
I said how did you know it was going to work ?




Fashion tip for the ladies - the girl over the road has been wearing a bandana for about 2 months now and she's almost beach body ready bitches.

[Bikkie]

Today I learned that moths can make their genitals vibrate to throw off a bat's sonar.

Now I'm learning to helicopter my dick so the cops can't triangulate my phone signal.




My Ducky Dennis has gone fishing.
I do like a man... especially when he takes his tackle out.

Oooooooh.



Driving to work this morning, I got stuck behind one of those training vehicles for bus drivers.

I ended up late for work, as did every other cunt on that route.

So I'm guessing the driver training was a success.



Started a new job as a security guard last week and my boss told me to watch the office.
Bastard came in and sacked me today and I was only up to the episode where David Brent did his charity dance.



I have been swopping kinky emails with this blond georgeous bird on line.

I sent her £500 to come and meet me so we could have sex.

She turned out to be a 19 year old black nigerian male scammer.

I was shocked.

So I sent him another £500, after all, a hole is a hole.




You know you're an adult when you have a garden full of plants you can't smoke.




What did Rik Mayall have in common with Jimmy Saville?

They were both paid by the BBC to be in The Young Ones and Bottom.



Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.




On the park, my dog always comes when he's called.

Be less embarrassing if he just ran over to me.



I've never said this publicly but during Pride Month, I'm so proud of my sons.

For loving pussy.


Just paid £20 for lobster tails so the server sat me down and said "Once upon a time, there was this lobster...



I have an American girlfriend who's tried to turn me on by dressing up like Lara Croft.

I just hope those guns aren't real.



In Japanese culture there's something called "rui-katsu", in which people actually try to induce tears because they think it will release repressed emotions or something.

I have since decided to start trying to induce physical sickness in myself, possibly to get that which is unhealthy out of my system. Let's see where this goes.

I'm about to sit down and put on some music by Adele...




I was walking up the street with Trilby hat on, and came across a man with a bowler hat on.

My trilby sat to the bowler hat, 'Whose that American hat behind you, is that your lad?'

'No,' said the bowler hat, 'That's my Stetson.'




Your not chick's with dicks your dudes with boobs you attention seeking tampon dodging fuckers!




Ex President Bush decided to go on a peace keeping mission to Israel, when he got there, to his horror everybody ignored him, so he stopped one in the street & asked why. The Jew looked at him & said “We only talk to bushes when they’re on fire”



"What happens inside a black hole?" Asked the scientist Neil de grasse Tyson.
"It gets destroyed and can never repair itself again!" Said his cell mate unzipping his pants...


Just finished watching Atlas with Jennifer Lopez where she controls an AI robot with 4 arms.

Quite the coincidence because whenever I see her I grow a 3rd leg.



I asked a cowboy about the ethics of bestiality.

He gave me a steer.

[Bikkie]

So an electrician gets home at 2am.
His wife asks "wire you insulate?"
He replies "watts it to you. "I'm ohm aren't i?"...



Football tournaments are like sex in a new relationship. 3 times a day and then gradually decreasing in regularity until you feel you deserve a trophy for a single performance.




Most entertaining thing I've seen at the Euros so far is Croatia's impersonation of Scotland.




What do Scotland's football team and Scotland's Mars bars have in common?

Battered.'



I've nicknamed the wife "Scotland" because she kicks off every 15 minutes.



I had an email from a colleague saying "Report to the office on Monday at 9am for diversity training. No exceptions"


Fuck me, I thought. I didn't except Combat 18 to ever be affected by this


What do you call a Chinese man with one leg shorter than the other?

Wong Ki.



My Tourettes suffering friend told me that on July 4th, we have a choice


"Cunts, cunts, Utter bastard fucking cunts"


He's cured



The Albanian football team shocked a few people.

You don't normally see that many Albanians in one place, apart from an English B&B.



What does a nymphomaniac chicken sound like?

"Ahh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..."




My best mate is gutted. He had his fiancée's name tattooed on his arm yesterday, and she's literally just given him the elbow


All is not lost though. He got England 0-0 Serbia done on the other




I am a proud non-binary transgender person of colour and my pronouns are xe / xem / xyr.

But I'm not allowed in my local LGBT transgender community because I have a moustache like Charlie Chaplin's?



She looked disappointed when I pulled my trousers down.
"You said that you had a cock that would test my gag reflex."
"It will," I replied. "Wait till you smell it."



What's brown, hard, 10 inches long, with a wet end after sucking on it?

A black cock, you cigar haters



What do gay squirters keep on their bed?

Scatter cushions.


Santa Claus's pronouns are ho/ho/ho.

Also prostitutes'.



Feminism: Give women equality with men.

Men: Okay.

Feminism: Women are more stressed and miserable than ever.

Men: Welcome to equality.


My jokes self-identity as funny.

It's pronouns are He/He/He




Whenever I'm in the mood for dating, I always go for women in wheelchairs. They're easier to pull... and push.
And if she gets too clingy, I can always wheel clamp her to a lamppost


My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep.

All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Slayer fan.



The best thing about German birds is they don't mind you pissing in a bush.


“How many girlfriends have you had before me?" she asked casually, as she sat on the edge of my bed pretending to be interested in my Warhammer catalogue.

Fucking stupid question.



My ex wife texted me, "Wish you were here."

She does this every time she walks through a cemetery.




The wife and I are on holiday in Centre Parcs Sherwood Forest, laying naked on the bed.

I want sex, she said no but I'll bring her round with my wit, charm and massive cock.

At the moment, she can't see the trees for the wood.