What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Today is "International Women's Day",
but don't worry guys
"International Men’s Day"
is coming April 1st.


International Women's Day
cause it's not like women
pat each other on the
back for the rest of the
364 days about how tough
their life is.


International Women's
Day certainly helped make
me aware of how far we
have to go with the issues
of gender inequality and
everyday sexism. I'm sure
I speak on behalf of many
blokes when I say that
all the birds who helped
organise it deserve a pat
on the bottom for their
efforts.


It appears international
Women's Day was a HUGE
success.
Women from all over the
US demonstrated their
feminity by not making
up their minds about
whether they wanted to
celebrate it or not.


Happy Yeah-they-are-
always-right day!


Happy International Dishwashing Day.


In her Commonwealth Day
message, the Queen has
stressed the importance
of keeping in touch with
family to 'transcend
boundaries or division.'
Unless they happen to be
ginger
...... or black.


If ITV paid a million for the
Meghan and Harry interview, I'm
sure we can boost the Royal coffers
by crowd funding to see the Duke
of Edinburgh:s live reaction.


Says a lot about Meghan
Markle that the "classy
Royal wife is still the one
who had her tits in the
paper.


Quintin Crisp lives in.
Buckinghamshire!
American burger chain
Five Guys have confirmed
that their High Wycombe
branch will open their
doors on March 15 -
comment in
BucksFreePress from H-
Dog-There really isn't
anything more lovely than
than the juices of Five
Guys dribbling down my
chin!
Quintin - you are
discovered.


A word to the wise :
Never accidentally walk
into a gay bar and say,
"Give me a large one".


Just checking out nude plcs of
Mel Appleby.
She's never going to respectable.


Fact: Black Africans are
nearly 3 times more likely
to die from COVID than
white people.

Fact: The lowest rate
of take up for COVID
vaccine is amongst BAME,
( Black, Asian, Minority
Ethnics) who believe it will
kill them in a year, has
pork gelatine and has a
tracking microchip.

SOLUTION: Announce that
the COVID vaccine is a
white man's medicine and
will henceforth, only be
given to members of the
Christian, Aryan, race as a
priority.

RESULT: BAME's will.
scream Racism, white
privilege, riot and demand
that they are vaccinated
immediately.
Problem solved.

[Piper]

The royal family are said
to be in a state of fear
over what might be leaked
in tonight's Meghan and
Oprah interview.
Sources within
Buckingham Palace told
reporters The entire
family are sweating. Apart
from Andrew obviously "



Oprah's interview with
Harry and Megan is on
TV tonight.
Prince Andrew has
ordered food for the firm,
pizza Express for a comfy
night in.


Eight things we learned
from the Oprah Winfrey
interview.
1. Harry feels let down by
his dad but he didn't say
which one.

2. They are both dyed in
the wool arse licker w. r. t
the Queen.

3. Their deep sense of
self entitlement took a
massive hit when they
were cut off financially
from the gravy train that is
the Royal Family.

4. Harry is an ungrateful
first class prick.

5. Meghan is a self serving
gold digging cunt.

6. Oprah is a pretentious
twat.

7. Hypocrisy is alive and
well on American chat
shows.

8. I'm not going to appear
on an Honours List any
time soon.


Because of where I'm
employed, I have to be
discreet but let's just say
I work for a well-known
family in the UK.
I went into my boss's
office to take her a cup of
tea and she was on the
phone-I don't know for
sure but it sounds as if
she is planning a surprise
for someone because she
said :
"And it definitely won't be
traced back to me?"
How lovely is that?!

.
Unbelievable news as
Meghan Markle was
chased by a lunatic-type
Black woman as she
was coming out of a L.A
burger restaurant.
Apparently it was the
new black female 007 on
the Mission to have her
whacked.


Following the explosive
Oprah interview Prince
Harry admitted there were
concerns over his child's
skin colour and Prince Philip
was said to be dropping
subtle hints at the time.
"He kept playing The Ace
Of Spades by Motorhead,"
he added.

[Piper]

Today we meet 4
generations of a family
who all live on benefits...
First, the ginger one takes
a DNA test to finally
discover who his real
father is...
Then he asks, "Did my
grandfather kill my
mother?"...
And finally, his dodgy
looking uncle tries not
to sweat under the
pressure of a lie detector
test over some serious
allegations...
Welcome to the Jeremy
Kyle show... Royal Family
special.


When the Queen told
Harry to go look at the
blackbirds, she meant
the gardens of Windsor
castle, not L.A.


I often like to imagine
that Meghan Markle
is giving me a hand job.
She's the best I've ever
fucking seen at grasping.


Buckingham Palace
response:
"We are deeply saddened
by the recent accusations
of racism aimed at the
Royal Family. Our interest
in Archie's colour was for
purely practical reasons
in order that Prince Philip
would know whether to
call it a Nigger, a Sand
Nigger or a Camel Jockey. "


BBC News: " Meghan and
Harry's interview: Tabloid
racism 'large part' of why
we left UK, says duke"
If you think the tabloids
are racist, you might not
want to come on here
much Hazza...


The Queen has moved
to calm things down
by offering Harry and
Meghan Markle a relaxing
weekend in her uncle
Lord Louis Mountbatten's
home in Ireland and
a boat trip round silgo bay
on her new fishing boat
'SHADOW V1


Can't wait for Meghan and
Harry's lnterview on Ellen
next week about how she
was abused and bullied
backstage at the Oprah
Winfrey show.


Due to Meghan and
Harry's loss of royal
privileges..
new staff are-
Media spokesman Nigel
Farage.
Childminder - Prince
Andrew.
Chauffeur - Tiger Woods.
Blood diamond supplier
Kinder surprise.


I've just realised what a
sad life I lead. Royal baby
Archie, who is less than
two years old has already
done three of the things
on my bucket list.
1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits.


I'm disgusted by this
whole royal row over
colour.
Poor Archie is just being
used as a black pawn.


Amid all the furore over
Harry's and Megan, the
Queen has brushed aside
accusations of double
standards by reminding
Prince Andrew of his
responsibilities as a
senior Royal.
"Don't get fucking caught"
She told him.


No one could have
predicted that she would
drag things down to this
cheap and tacky level
quite so soon.


Meghan alleges family
member asked how brown
Archie's skin would be
but refused to name the
culprit.
What Prince Philip
actually said was
"Will he look like a spear
chuckler?."


Pity Prince Philip is in
hospital because he's the
type of person who would
have spoken bluntly to.
Meghan Markle. He's known
for his ability to call a
spade a spade.


Hair Tip:
Want to keep your hair
sleek and shiny?
be like Prince Andrew.......
Comb it with Olive oil.
( extra virgin).

[Piper]

Once upon a time there
was a girl who dreamt of
being a princess.

This girl grew up to marry
a prince and her dream of
being royalty came true...

... But as soon as she
realised it would involve
hard work and selfless
dedication to others and
not just jewellery and
dresses courtesy of the
tax payer, she made the
excuses and left this
impossibly luxurious
lifestyle that most
people can only dream
of, to pursue a life of
whining about it on telly
in the most grotesquely
attention seeking manner
imaginable.

And she lived crapply ever
after.


It's not Harry's fault, he
just got swallowed up by a
Black hole.


Archie's clothes are
100% cotton... I wonder if
Meghan's family helped
her pick them...


Rumours that Princess
Anne might be the one
who questioned the colour
of baby Archie, snapped it
wasn't me I call a spade a
spade.


We have gone from... BLM
( Black Lives Matter )
to...
TOTTBLM
( Touch Of The Tar Brush
Lives Matter )


45% of black Brits fear
Covid vaccines are unsafe
or don't work.
Much like 45% of black
Brits.


Do you know what I found strange about the
Harry and Meghan interview?

That despite :

. Meghan saying there were "several
conversations" about "how dark" their baby
Archie might be.

. Meghan disclosing that she felt suicidal
at times.

. Meghan denying a newspaper story that
she made the Duchess of Cambridge cry.

. Harry saying his family "literally cut him
off financially"

. Harry saying his father Prince Charles
"stopped takng his calls"

. Harry saying his brother and father were
"trapped within the system" of the royal
family

. And the couple confirming they are
expecting a baby girl in the summer.

They never once mentioned Gary Haggerty

Very odd.

[Piper]

What's Harry and
Meghan's favourite song?
"I Want To Break Free" by
Queen.


What's the Queen's
favourite song?
'Things That Make you Go
HM'


My girlfriend says I never
satisfy when I masturbate
her.
I'm hoping this time will
be different. I've got my
finger's crossed.


My girlfriend told me she
has issues in the bedroom
with my size. For the
remaining three walls I’ve
yet to paper. I'm going
to use proper wallpaper
paste.

[Piper]

"Car groups throw spanner
in works of EU’s hydrogen
drive."
If they really wanted to
fuck then up, they'd have
thrown a lighted match.


Andy Murray has today
become a father for the
4th time in 5 years.
No wonder he's got a worn
out hip.


Did you know 95% of men
don't like it when a girl
leaves after a one night
stand
.... We love it.


Two black guys in a car
listening to the radio.
Freed From Desire comes
on and one of them starts
singing along when it
kicks in.
The other lad says, "Yeah
I'll have one if you are."


What's the best thing
about fingering a gypsy on
her period?
You get your palm red for
free.


At one point of the
Pandemic the NHS was
delivering 140 Covid
vaccinations a minute,
jabs haven’t been given
that quick since Chris
Brown dated Rihanna.


I love blow jobs. It’s about
the only time, I get to see
my wife's mouth moving
without having to listen
to an incessant stream of
nonsense.


I am being a unhappyily
married man and private
dealer, I am shagging a
married secret pothead.
It's a joint affair..


Mother's Day is going to
be awkward this year.
It coincides with Steak and
Blowjob Day.


My late grandad always
used to say, "skys the
limit."
Great bloke, shit pilot.


My Grandad used to
always say:
"Two heads are better
than one."
Top bloke, shit at minting
coins.

[Piper]

Don't you think it's a bit
Ironic that England
are singing God save
Our Queen after having
a minutes silence for
racism.


I hid an Easter egg for
someone I love on the
Cadbury worldwide hide
site.
The wife's furious that my
girlfriend found it first.


What's the difference
between right and wrong?
Perspective.


What did Speedy Gonzalez
say whilst fitting his
carpet?
"Underlay Underlay
Underlay!


French actress, Corinne
Master has protested
naked on stage during an
award ceremony as the
arts sector in the country
calls on the government
for more support.
Looking at her, I'd think
she'd have had more
chance threatening to go
naked.


I hate being dyslexic.
I booked a vacation and
some cunt in the airport
medical centres trying to
stick a needle in me.


Due to political
correctness poor old
Dick Van Dyke has had to
change his name to Penis
Lorry Lesbian.
Un fuckin believable.


People who use stupid
phrases piss me off.

It is what it. is"...

"Of fucking course it is -
what else could it possibly
be?"

"I'm just going to take
things a day at a time."

"Of fucking course you are
-you can't consolidate
your week into easier ti
manage chunks like you're
some kind of time Lord.

" You can't have your cake
and eat it "

Yes I fucking can unless
it's carrot cake because
that's shit.

( Feel free to add your own.)



Things women say...
Women are equal.
Women should be
respected.
We are not just sex
objects.
Men should be educated
on how to treat women.

Things women do...
Buy millions of copies
of 50 Shades of Grey,
Then complain their
husbands are not sexually
adventurous enough.


Women.

Men need to recognise
women are equal to men.
Men also need to stand up
to other men and protect
women.

Oh my goodness why are men
always fighting each other
they're so stupid?


My black mate has a new
job near the girl that sells
seashells.
His sign says, Shoe Shines
on the seashore.


To all university students.
Remember, every cigarette
you smoke will reduce
the time you're paying off
your student loan by 10
minutes.


Just been charged with
indecent exposure.
Turns out the "Dick Out"
placards were about
the London police
commissioner.


Watched Raya and the last
dragon. A movie about
dragons and trusting
foreigners. Total fantasy.


BREAKING NEWS -
GOVERNMENT HEALTH
OFFICIALS OFFER ADVICE
TAKE THE JAB YOU'RE
FUCKED ANYWAY.

[Piper]

Have you heard about the
new all-Muslim boy band?
They're gonna be called
Quran Quran.


Why did the Queen return
her new curtains?
She didn't realise how dark
they were going to be.


Cressida Dick Chief Of
The Metropolitan Police.
Helen Balls is her deputy.
Fucking hell this stuff just
writes itself.


It's important to have a
day for women a week
or so before the big
St. Patrick's day clean up.


I was just walking over
Westminster Bridge as
a load of feminists with
placards were marching
towards me.
I didn't know whether to
block their passage or
toss myself off.
( credit Max Miller)


"Take away for Dave."
"Here you go. One chicken
ball sweet and sour, flied
lice and chip. €8 prease."
"Thanks, see you soon."
"How you know my
name?


" Met Police chief Cressida
Dick refuses to stand
down."
I can't say I'm surprised,
but I can't see anybody
asking her to lay down.


Fox: " I can't do this. "
Vixen: " Just focus on me,
honey. "
David Attenborough :
" The male penetrates the
female."
Fox: " He's so fucking
creepy. "

[Piper]

Why does the royal family
call the commonwealth
the commonwealth?
Because we are common
and we give them wealth.


"The definition of insanity
is doing the same thing
over and over again, yet
expect different results"
No that's wanking.


"You have brains in your
head. You have feet in
your shoes. You can steer
yourself any direction you
choose."
Someone should tell
those Paki taxi drivers
that in Dr Seuss not the
fucking Highway Code.





Found out the other day
that the Dixie Chicks were
named after the Dixie
States in America.
I'll be honest, I thought it
was because they were a
little bit tranny.


Met a girl on a sex dating
app, her profile said, 40
something, good looking,
slim, great body, fabulous
tits, tight cunt.
Anyway after sex I said
"You do have a great body
and fabulous tits but not
sure your vagina's
smug."
She said, "Oh you
misunderstood my advert
I'm a Scottish Jew. "


If you think Bridgerton
was an awful period
drama, you should watch
what happens when I hide
my wife's tampons...


Heather Mills got Paul
McCartney in lumber....


Studies have shown that
during lockdown, English
men prefer the eagle sex
position, whereas Scottish
men prefer the sixty-nine
position.
Proving once again the
Scots will only eat out
when it's free.


My local Afro Caribbean
barber's has "Nignogs
out" spray painted on the
window.
Surely a sign saying "gone
for lunch, back in 10"
would suffice.


I like my women the way I
like my trains.
Never late.


There might be no "I" in
team, but there's is a "U" in
Cunt.


My wife went on her
mate's hen do last night.
There were huge amounts
of alcohol, one particular
male stripper showed up
and the women got so
drunk, they sucked him off
and ate off him till he left.
20 dollars that mask cost
me.


This means nothing to
me. Great tune, perhaps
not to play as the first
dance at my wedding.


The definition of irony :
The BBC has a
Disinformation reporter.


Whoever said there's no I
in team has clearly never
worked with a Dyslexic.


Since they call Australia
"The Land Down Under"
Shouldn't they call
Scotland "The Land Hung
Over?"


I'm about to have sex,
I have of course put a
Condom on so I won't get
any STD's such as, in this
case, necrosis.


I said to my hairdresser,
"Make me look sexy."
So she started drinking.


A little bear staggers from
a cave, skin and bone
his paws shaking and a
nervous wreck.
His mum said, "Did you
hibernate all winter?"
"HIBERNATE?" He
shouted. "I THOUGHT YOU
SAID MASTERBATE."


There are Two types of
virus in the UK.

A Sars-2 Covid-19 virus..
Sweeps through the
population destroying
thousands of lives...

A Freemasons virus...
Sweeps through the police
Criminal evidence files...
destroying thousands of
files of judges, top coppers
and MP's.


I am amazed at radio
DJ's today. I am fimly
convinced that AM on my
radio stands for Absolute
Moron. I will not begin to.
tell you what FM stands
for.


What's the difference
between fudge cake and
an arsehole?
I can eat my granny's
fudge cake.


In 1985 Rolf Harris
released an educational
video on stranger danger
titled "kids can say No!"
It would have made more
sense if it was called
"kids can say No! ( But I
Hope They Don't)."


What's the best thing
about fucking 21 year
olds?
There's twenty of them.


Things instantly went
sour with the absolutely
stunning 24 year old
young woman I had plans.
to leave my wife for when
I finally took down my
trousers and unfortunately
had to show her my
relatively small penis.
She just stared for a bit
and finally said, "it's like
your cock is playing hide-
and-seek, and its really
good at it."


The wife just challenged
me to an online high-
pitched sound hearing. test.
"The dogs are going
mental but how can you
still hear something? She
asked.
" Im a married man. "
I replied," we're used
to whiny, drawn-out,
unpleasant screeching
noises. "


Went on a Bumble date
with this fantastically sexy
24 year old woman i had
plans to leave my wife for.
She said, "Ooh, you're just
like Richard Gere."
"Wow, it's so great I've
Finally met someone who
can not just accept but
also participate in my anal
gerbilling!"
"Uh, no. I just meant an
attractive older sugar-
daddy with gray hair," she
said as she left.


Why do prunes have a use
by date?
They're to clear
you out.


Some people call me
the space cowboy - even
though I'm not
Some people call me the
gangster of love - even
though I'm not
Some people call me
Maurice Cos I speak of the
pompatus of love-even
though that isn't my name
and I don't know what that
means
Some people can fuck off



I was just making a
comment on someone's
KFC joke and a thought
came to me. If chicken
had black meat instead of
white would hens be twice
as large or would it only
be cocks?


What did the Muslim
Shepard eat for his tea?
Islam.


My wife said she wouldn't
fucking do anal last night
with specific excuse
that it "hurts".
Really?... with all the
fucking black guys that
have been back there, it
should be like a peanut
rattling around in a bucket.


What's the gender neutrai
term for semen then?


Jada Pinkett Smith
revealed she had
a relationship with
songwriter August Alsina
during her marriage.
Where there's a Will
there's away.


How can you spot
Quintin Crisp in a chip
shop?
He's the one with the
battered sausage in his
mouth.

[Piper]

I first met my wife at a
fancy dress party where
I was dressed up as a
ghost.
I decided to woo her.


Tiger Woods has left
hospital to take up his
new role as Meghan and
Harry's Chauffeur...

That lovely weatherman
Owain Wyn Davies can
play the Drums.
He has an excellent
rimming technique
Oooooooh


Every girl is beautiful
sometimes it just takes
the right amount of
alcohol to see it.


After Mr Potato Head
change is the Dough Boy
now to be called Dough
Person? Should stay male
gender as I'm sure he was
fucking inbread.


The black guy next door
reversed into me so I
really went to town on
him.
He gets there quicker than
the bus if you whip him
hard enough.


After thirty years of
marriage my wife and I are
worried about the same
thing. The size of our tits.


I found my first grey pubic
hair today, but it wasn't
mine.
I need to start dating
younger women.


Why did the Dalai Lama go. to the casino?
Tibet.


The #metoo movement
was never going to fail.
No woman is going to
miss an opportunity to
say me.


Hannibal Lecter has sued
The Chainsmokers purely
for naming a song,
Closer...


Quintin Crisp and me sat down
and ordered a couple of
burgers
"Battered rings?" asked
the waitress.
"Only his" .I replied.


I was on a date last night
when the bill came, the
lady said, "we should go
Dutch".
So I sold her into the sex
trade and went and rolled
a joint.


Datsun
An automobile brand
owned by Nissan.
Also Jamaican for a
middle child.


I just remembered that I
had to borrow the train
fare off my Jewish mate
to appear on today's
edition of Bargain Hunt
and I haven't repaid him.
No doubt he'll be watching
with interest.


I call my wife her indoors.
Because she looks like
Jim Morrison.


I once dressed as a
knight before going to a
Fancy - Dress party and
told my wife I'm going as
Sir Launcelot.
She said she was going
to put on a flimsy white
robe and go as Guinevere,
and I said, "No, I've also
gotten you a large suit
of armour, you'll be
Sir Cumference."

[Piper]

When girls say "All guys
ever want from me is sex"
Tell them :
You have no hobbies,
no talents, no wisdom,
no legitimate interests
beyond your personal
vanity, no original
thoughts on politics,
society, philosophy, or
anything else. All you
talk about is random
celebrity dudes you have
crushes on, your exes, and
other shit that revolves
around men or getting
a man while sharing the
most generic memes
imaginable. What else is
there to want from such
a vapid shell of a person?
Your only redeeming
quality is that you can lay
still and take dick!

[Piper]

Attempted robbery in
Paris was thwarted when
the van carrying the stolen
art works ground to a halt
less than 200 metres from
the Louvre.
When questioned by
gendarmes, the thief
admitted his van had run
out of fuel.
He said he had Monet
to buy Degas to make the
Van Gogh, he was skint at
the time and thought he
had nothing Toulouse.
The court artist ( Banksy )
promised images of
the thief in his first
appearance before a
judge, but he was currently
unable to say where or
when.


I like to think outside the
box.
So I thought I'd try anal.


Wife: "Call me asap, it's
urgent."
Husband : "Your names
Karen and you're a sap."


The lady who was
interviewing me for a
job said, "I've got three
openings.
" Obviously, " I replied,
" You're a woman. "

[Piper]

Whenever we have sex, my
girlfriend always says she
can hear wedding bells
But I guess that's my fault
for shagging an obsessive
campanologist.


My wife and I are now
sleeping in separate
rooms.
She sleeps in our bed.
I'm in her sister's.


In 36 years, Harry's
American-born child
will be able to run for
president.
Way to play the long
game, King George lll


Which came first, the
children or the egg?
After fingering both, my
test suggests the chicken.


My wife said she was
leaving me because of
my obsession with the
70's glam rock band 'The
Sweet.'
I think it's because I want
to put my little willy where
willy won't go.

[Piper]

Harry’s second job in a
week.

How ironic that Prince
Harry is joining the
Aspen Institute's
new Commission on
Information Disorder
as a commissioner.
Voicing concern about
an "avalanche of
misinformation" in the
digital world, Wasn’t
it just last week that
his own wife told the
world that the couple
actually got married
in a private ceremony
days before the big
televised marriage. Few
days later the statement
( misinformation otherwise
known as lie) was
retracted.


Why the fuck have we
employed him? ", said
Prince Harry's new
employer to a colleague
on his first day.
" You said that you wanted
some ginger nuts for the
coffee room."

[Piper]

Prince Charles cut off
his second sons pocket
money which resulted
in Harry and Megan
getting a job working for
Spotify for 3 years for
a total of about €15 million,
Also getting a job for
the next 5 years with Netflix
for approx €90 million.
Harry has also announced
two more jobs this, week
working as a chief impact
officer for Better up and
also as a commissioner
for Aspen Institute's
new Commission on
Information Disorder.
Harry and Megan will
likely throw in a few
speaking gigs and earn
the odd million too.

So last week I said to
my younger son that
I'm stopping his pocket
money and he has stated
to thieve from the corner
shop, pimp his sister out
and selling drugs in
the school play ground. I
said to him last night that
surely his €230,000 pa job
as headmaster should be
enough. I think chances
are he will be taking on a
speaking soon as well no
doubt be talking in court.

p. s. I wonder if USA
people there are saying
bloody foreigners coming
here and taking our jobs.