What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

I can't stand that James
Dyson.
His products suck.


My girlfriend's a midget
and she was going to
one of her little people's
Support groups the other
night.
I asked her if I could
come along and she said
It's fine as long as I don't
embarrass her like last
time
I don't know what she's
complaining about, they
all loved it when I turned
up dressed as Gulliver.


A little boy asks his dad,.
"Dad is it true you suck
cock and take it up the
arse?"
"Good grief, who on Earth
has said that to you son?"
"My other dad, Elton."


My wife was watching
some Youtube videos of
the movie "Yesterday"
and one of them was a
songwriting competition
-"Ed Sheeran defeated by
The Beatles"
"Not that impressive!" I
scoffed... there was this
Ed Sheeran song on in the
car the other day at the
same time my daughter
was singing out some
incoherent lyrics about
unicorns, and I turned
down "Sing in favour of
what she was babbling
with.



It's Hot Hot Hot!!
I must remember to use
oven-gloves in the future!


What's the difference
between a garden pea and
Chickpea?
I would've pay for a garden
pea on me.


If it looks like piss, tastes
like piss, smells like piss.
It's probably Fosters.


Ice hockey is basically
just guys fighting each
other with long sticks for
the last Oreo.


Studies suggest that
9 out of 10 men prefer
a women with curves.
The 10th man drives
a Tesla and prefers
the other 9 men.

[Piper]

Well, it's that time of
the year again when
the shops start selling
Easter eggs.


News: Elon Musk tells X
advertisers to "Go fuck
yourself."
Translation : I just lost $44
billion.

[Bikkie]

What do you call a woman who likes to go down on her husband?

Heterosexual.



The only thing being revealed at a gender reveal party is,

The poor unborn child has 2 fucking idiots for parents.






Weightlifting bar and weights for sale.

Must be able to pick up.




There's a great documentary on telly tonight about perfume.

Its on Chanel No 5




They say size doesn?t matter,

But for the life of me i cant get this fucking shoe on.





Definition of Irony:

Marcus Rashford's book title.
'You Are A Champion - How To Be The Best You Can Be'



With Gemma Collins among the cast set to strip off for the ITV festive extravaganza, titled The Real Full Monty Jingle Balls, it won't be a white Christmas from me.




Doctor Who is getting criticism for being historically inaccurate, because the latest episode features a Black Isaac Newton.

Yet, it's still an apple, not a banana.





Going away over Christmas?
Drape a white sheet over your Christmas tree and cut two "eye holes" near the top.

Hey Presto!! The perfect burglary deterrent.




My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it.




I've got a Tory Party advent calendar.

It's like a normal advent calendar except there is a dick in number 10.


I was struggling trying to teach a black to pick a lock.

Until I told him to cotton on.



A man in the UK wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable.

I just have to say... that is an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot...




If Megan Markle is "mixed-race" then judging from the tan on my bollocks I'm a bigger coon than Lenny Henry.




Why dont you ever get a sarcastic Jew?

They would never want to gaslight the situation





The UK Health Security Agency and the Met Office have issued amber cold health alerts in five regions ..., meaning that cold weather impacts are likely to be felt across the whole health service for an extended period of time?.

I think it's called winter?



I was watching the Walt Disney film The Aristocats with my young daughter and I was wondering if Duchess, having three children of different colours and a poncy name, was named after a black woman.



Some people are fucking idiots, you could put their brain in a kinder egg and still hear it rattle.



Apparently, the Princess of Wales lovely Kate Middleton doesn't like black.

She prefers natural/tan stockings.

[Piper]

The snowman I wish I
Didn't make
What a morning.... 8.00
I made a snowman.
8.10 A Feminist passed
by and asked me
why I didn't make a
Snow woman. 8.15 I
made a snow woman.
8.17
The nanny of the
neighbours
complained about the
voluptuous chest on the
snow woman.
8.20 The gay couple living
across the street
complained
that it could have been
two
snowmen instead.
8.25 The neighbours on
the
left, who are vegans,
compjained
that the orange nose, a
carrot, this
needs to be something
else
because food is for eating
and not to decorate a
snowman
and women with.
8.28 I am being called a
racist
because the snow couple
is white.
8.31 The husband of
Fatima wants
the snow woman to wear
a headscarf.
840 The police arrives to
see
what's going on. 8.42 I am
told that the broomstick
of
the snowman needs to be
removed because this
could be
being used as a striking
weapon.
8.50 The Salafi jihadist
militant
group Islamic state made
itself
know as the snowman.
8.52 My phone is being
seized
and thoroughly checked
while
I'm being blindfolded and
flown
to the police station in a
helicopter.
9. 00 I am asked if I have
any accomplices.
Done with this!!
I will never make a
snowman, snow woman
or snow whatever again.
It's too dangerous!!
I wish everybody a
Merry Christmas and a
Happy New Year.


Life would be much easier
if Christmas decorations
grew on trees.


Just a quick reminder to
all cat owners.
Now is the time to start
feeding gold and silver
Glitter to your cats if you
want to add that festive
touch to your neighbour's
flower beds.


This year I've been told
the kids would love new
tablets for Christmas.
I can't wait to see their
little faces when they
open their Tramadol and
Codeine.


On Christmas morning, my
girlfriend always reminds
me that the joy is in the
giving.
But, if that is true, why
is a blow job out of the
question.


I've been calling this
Polish guy with white hair
at work Santa Claus, and
yesterday he wanted to
fight me.
I was honestly surprised
Until he said more clearly,
"For the last fucking time,
my name is Stanislaus."


I once had one of those
'May to December'
romances.
Ditched her when she
asked for an expensive
Christmas present.


Just read on the BBC
News website that smaller
turkeys are on the menu
for Christmas.
Nothing wrong with a little
gobbler.
Oooooooooh.


A survey has revealed
41% of Americans believe
human beings and dinosaurs
lived at the same time.
True that I've seen The
Flintstones.
And clearly dinosaurs
were still around less than
2,000 years ago, cos there
was a Christmas special
Checkmate atheists!


The wife told me she
wants 12 inches for
Christmas.
Hope she likes the
instalment plan I have
scheduled for 2024!


Went out for a Christmas
meal last night and the
serviettes started singing,
"Chestnut roasting on an
open fire..."
Turns out it was "Napkin
Cole."


I've just seen that
Donner and Blitzen are
now on eBay.
Nobody has put a bid in
for them yet though ;
I think it's cos they're two
deer...


Last Christmas, I gave her
my heart, but the very next
day, she gave it away. This
year, which saved me from
tears.
I gave it to her sister.


I grew up listening to soft
Rock Band Journey who
said, "Don't Stop Believing".
That's why every cunt
make fun of me at
Christmas.


Nothing like falling out
with your whole family on
Christmas day... All I said
was, "let's watch the Kings
speech."


I overheard the missus
on the phone yesterday
tell my best mate she'd
love something long, thick
and hard. I'm watching
her right now unwrap the
Xmas present I bought
her... A 5 foot concrete
Fence post.


They say, "A dog's not just
for Christmas."
I say it depends on its size
and how many are at the
table.


The wife has just been
diagnosed with an iron
deficiency.
So I bought her a new
one for Christmas.


December is the only
month of the year I get
much screwing done.
I have a lot of sex
with Carol singers.
Because her husband
Jim Singers is working
overtime at the toy shop.


I wonder if Elton has
taught his kid to sing, I
saw Daddy kissing Santa
Claus yet?


Why do Men like having
sex doggie style in
December?
That way they can both
watch Sports Personality
of the year...


Untangling Christmas
lights.
Is the closest me and wife
have ever got to S&M.


Everyday is Christmas.
When you stop taking your
antidepressants...


What does Prince Andrew
want for Christmas?...
Santas ability to identify
naughty girls.


I love the build up to
Christmas.
You can shout, "Don't
come in my room..."
The stupid cunts think I'm
wrapping presents.


Don't Germans get
annoyed when all their
market traders fuck off to
England at Christmas?


I love seeing the faces
of children light up at
Christmas.
It's much more fun than
wrapping the wires around
a tree.

[Bikkie]

I just got one of those air fryers everyone's always going on about.

Can't see what all the fuss is about. Fried air still tastes of fuck-all.



Looking forward to the updated no doubt fucking ?woke? Wombles.
Synopsis: Instead of litter picking great uncle Bulgaria is now Non Binary patriarchal male presenting coloniser learning to live with white guilt and joining just stop oil and supergluing themselves, to the M 25 and ending up Wimbledon road kill, delicious.


I was wondering why the Arabs have all the oil and the Irish have all the potatoes.
Then I realised, the Irish had first choice.





During an interview -

David Beckham, Yeah, they're great. Just pop one in your mouth and it tastes minty for ages!

Interviewer, No David, I said tactics, not tictacs.


Whats a roofers favourite tune?

Im high all the time.





Rapper Kodak Black Arrested on Cocaine Possession Charges in Florida. More to come as the story develops.



Lost in the mail - Elvis Presley greatest hits album.

If found, please return to sender.


Manchester United's chance of winning the Premier League is similar to the majority of their fans.

M U slim.



I approached a dwarf prostitute wearing festive reindeer antlers and was told it'd be ten quid.

I said she was a little dear.



What goes, "Sp Sp Sp Sp, L L L L."?

Gareth Gates talking about Tottingham Hotspurs.




I approached a prostitute wearing festive reindeer antlers.

She said, "You can take them off for a start."





I used to have a job in a chemist. A woman came in and bought a cotton wool, tissue paper and some thread . I said "we sell tampons you know" and she said "that's OK, I roll my own"










I asked my wife to get me down a DVD from my Alfred Hitchcock collection on the top shelf.

As she grabbed one on the ladder she swayed back and forth and landed on her arse - I think she's got Vertigo.


The teacher said, "Give me a sentence using the words, 'pack it in'."

Little Johnny replied, "Mohammed at the corner shop keeps his takings in a Paki tin."





Prince William and Kate release traditional black and white Christmas card.
Prince Harry advised not to follow suit.




Prince William has revealed his Christmas Card in black and white. Harry's will be in black and ginger.

[Bikkie]

A kitchen knife and a penis have one thing in common: black men will penetrate you with them without your consent.



Are you interested in Time Travel? Convert to Islam! It will take you back 1400 years!




We'll all miss Grandma this Xmas but I know she'll be looking down on us.

Waiting for the stair lift repair man.



Kid: Santa, what's the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why, I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking in the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

(A dark countenance settles on Santa's face)

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...




My wife said she?s leaving me if I don't give up my Linkin Park obsession, but in the end it doesn?t even matter.



Manchester United have finally found consistency this season.

Win one, lose one, win one, lose one...




I'm gonna give that slapheaded singer from Skunk Anansie my cock for Christmas, just for her


For Skin?


No I'm Jewish





I put an ad in the paper that simply said 'Wife wanted'.
I've had over a hundred reply letters with all of them saying 'You can have mine'

[Piper]

Looking forward to 2024.
This year has been the
worst. For me, my family,
friends, work colleagues
and neighbours.
Premier League results
have been unpredictable.


My wife asked me, "What
did you buy me for
Christmas?"
"Well," I chuckled. "You see
that pink Mercedes over
there?"
"Yes?" she asked happily.
"Well I bought you a
toothbrush the same
colour."


Little Johnny was asked
to lead the prayer at
dinner.
"But I'm not sure how to
pray," he said.
"Just pray for your family,
friends, neighbours, the
poor, and so on," his father
advised.
"Alright." Johnny said.
"Dear Lord, thank you
to our visitors and their
children, who finished
all my cookies and ice
cream. Bless them so they
won't come again. Forgive
our neighbours son, who
removed my sisters
clothes and wrestled
with her on the bed. This
coming Christmas, please
send clothes to all those
poor naked ladies on
my Daddy's iPhone. And
provide shelter for the
homeless man who sees
Mom's room when Daddy
is at work... Amen.


Victoria's Secret has
launched a new line
of French lingerie for
Christmas. store staff
will model it for men
looking to buy their wife or
girlfriend a present.
The line is called Le Per
Vért.


Why is Christmas like an
Orgasm?
Because as it approaches, you get
louder and louder about
it's imminent arrival. But
once it's over, you shut up
about it.


Action on climate
change releases
it's charity single.
"There Won't be
Snow In Antartica
This ChristmaS."

[Piper]

Eco-activist King Charles will
use the Christmas Day broadcast
to deliver a powerful message
about the environment.
He'll tell us all to buy an
Electric Range Robert like he did.


As my daughter finished
opening her last present,
I turned to my wife and
asked, "When are you
going to give her the
tickets to the Taylor Swift
concert?"
"YOU GOT ME TICKETS TO
SEE TAYLOR SWIFT?!" she
shrieked.
"Ha ha. Just kidding.
You're adopted."

[Bikkie]

Theres been some horrors on tv this year. very disturbing. Gaza, mass shootings in america, stabbings here, and dr who dancing like a poof

My sister & I have always been incredibly close.

I fucking hate being a Siamese twin.



I was lying in bed this morning just staring into space . My wife said "what are you thinking about?"
I said "I'm thinking about all the things I've done wrong in my life"
She said "you've been awake quite a while then"



Hey kids....
buy a copy of "Dominatrix " or
" S and M Swedish nurse ".
..put it under your pillow.
When your parents find it..... you'll never get spanked again.!




If he hadn't been an actor he could have been a singer.........

......Sly and the family Stallone.




There was one winning ticket for the EuroMillions jackpot, sold in France.

Nice.

If Benny and Bjorn had been called Steve and Dave, the Swedish pop group would have been known as ASDA.






Some people should never be allowed to drive.

Like women.



There was a black woman named Gay
Who plagiarised writings for years,
And when caught out, could only say
These charges confirm my worst fears:
ALL WHTE PEOPLE ARE RACIST!




**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance and therefore must not occur after 11pm and before 7am.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment, including Eye Protection, to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year?s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the ?redness? of any part of Mr. Rudolph Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. Rudolf Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of such an offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered and where necessary, taxes and import duties paid as appropriate. This applies regardless of the individual -even royal personages.

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services and the Local Authority Safeguarding Board have been advised and will be fully investigating. The RSPCA are also seeking reassurance that no donkeys were harmed during this incident.

Compliance of these guidelines is mandatory in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas (but bear in mind this must be under 107 milligrams per 100 millilitres of urine or 35 microgrammes per 100 millilitres of breath if driving ? UK, Wales & Northern Ireland).

Regards,
The Christmas Regulatory & Assessment Panel (CRAP)

[Piper]

It's new years eve just
after midnight. A man
says goodnight to his
many friends and walks
unsteadily across the
busy pub car park to
his car. After three
unsuccessful attempts, he
gets his keys in the door
and gets into his car. He
then executes a 15 point
turn and finally exits the
car park.
After travelling for a mile
at precisely 29mph,the
police car who had been
shadowing him, pulls him
over. They take his details,
name address etc hand
him a breathalizer to blow
into. As he hands back
the negative test he is
asked what he does for
a living, the man replies,
"Oh did I not mention, I'm a
professional decoy."

Credit ( F. Wedlock )

[Piper]

Just sat here thinking
back to 2023 like it was
only yesterday.


Please note, todays date
is 01/01/2024 and not
01/01/2024 as the USA
would like us to believe.


As the new years bells rang
out last night, I sat in my
small four in a block flat
and looked towards the
ceiling with a thought...
'I wonder if her upstairs
will ever let me fuck her
and play with her tits?'


I've just received a text
from my new girlfriend
telling me to get my arse
over to her house for a
new years sex fest.
I fucking love wronguns.


"Town's First Openly Gay
Mayor Gets 30 Years In
Federal Prison."
Guess this is one guy who
will enjoy dropping the soap.

[Piper]

Tottenham Hotspur are
making two new signings
from China in 2024
so their fans don't get
confused.
From China - Wee Won
Once and How Long Since...


There's no such thing as
Women’s football.
It's just football.
Played badly by lesbians.


"Babe! Talk dirty to me!"
"I'm gonna make you
wetter than Stevie
Wonder's toilet floor!"


What's the difference between
a priest's cock and Woody from
Toy Story?
Woody goes limp when a child
walks into the room.

Did you know female
midgets can't use tampons
as they trip on the string?


The party invitation read,
'dress to kill.'
Apparently, a turban, backpack
and beard wasn't what they meant.


Jemima Packington, a
fortune teller who tosses
asparagus, predicts...

There will be separations
and divorces among
members of the Royal
Family
The culture of 'celebrity'
will be on the wane, with
people losing interest in
their antics.
The 2024 Olympic Games
will not be a resounding
success for Team GB.
The events in the Middle
East will reach a breaking
point.
Eco-warriors in the
UK will lose support.
No more holding up
traffic or supergluing to
infrastructure.
England FA will appoint
more female referees to
officiate at all-male team
matches.

So spooky, Now my go...
BBC will employ more
Black actors
More boat people will
arrive
David Cameron will still be
a cunt
Cliff Richard is gay


Apparently David Copperfield
was on Epstein's list.
At least now we know
who got in and out of his
fucking cell undetected

[R650R]

[Piper]

After my latest incident,
my boss said, "You're the
worst train driver ever,
How many have you
derailed to date?"
I replied, "It's hard to keep
track."


"How do you feel?" asked
My therapist today
"Well," I explained, "I have
a vast series of nerve endings
that send electrical impulses to
my brain."


There are a lot more black
actors in latter episodes
of Midsomer Murders, but
in this particular instance,
I don't mind
It actually makes the
ludicrously high crime rate
more plausible


I keep a picture of my wife
in the front of my wallet,
so I can remember why
there's no money in it.


In the pub my mate said,
"I don't think it makes me
racist to say I could never
sleep with a black girl."
"Me neither," I replied.
He said, "You don't find
them attractive either?"
I replied, "It's not that. The
wife would fucking kill me."


I was pulled over by the
police last night
He suspected i was
inebriated.
He said, "Can you walk in a
straight line?"
You should of seen his
face when I pulled the
Coke out.


Jada Pinkett Smith
revealed she had
a relationship with
songwriter August Alsina
during her marriage.
Where there's a Will
there's a way.


You've been on the phone
to customer support for
45 minutes, they have
done fuck-all absolutely
useless they then have the
audacity to say is there
any thing else I can help
you with?
ARE YOU TAKING THE
FUCKING PISS.


The light shone on the
village green, it also shone
on Nell
Waiting for her lover, was
she, fucking hell
Along the road came
Dirty Dick, the stoker on a
lugger
He wasn't fit to shovel
shit, the dirty little bugger
He took her up the highest
loft, he knew it wasn't
lawful
And hen he took her
knickers down, the smell
was fucking awful.


Technology moves too
quickly for me these days.
I only tried to wipe the
dust off the screen on my
new phone, and now I've
got a year's subscription
to Netflix.


How Facebook rows start :

Me: Things not going too
well, feeling a bit low.

Comment : Don't worry my
friend.

Me: I wasn't worrying your
friend! I don't even know
your friend, you wanker!

[Piper]

Sky Sports NFL tonight at
9.30 it's the Packers and
the Cowboys.
Isn't that the plot of
Brokeback Mountain?.


Having now seen the new
Wonka film.
It's clear that the
auditioning and casting
process was certainly a
chocolate factory.


My mate told me that his
dogs bark was worse than
It's bite.
Well after 16 stitches to
the back of my leg I dread
hearing the cunt bark.


"vodka and coke please."
"Is Pepsi OK?."
"Yeah sure"
"Here you go, - one Pepsi
and coke."