What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

NASA and SpaceX launch rescue mission
to bring back stranded astronauts.
I feel sorry for the blokes, imagine how
awful it must be, to go back to your
wife after 9 months of peace.

[Bikkie]

I wonder how many animals we had to try riding before discovering horses are fine with it.



Live commentary..cricket...

Joffry Archer...He'll be the one to get de Kock out



Before i started watching Porn hub i thought 'Pegging' was 'Putting your washing out'




The first porn movie filmed by a drone has been released.

The film is expected to be a big surprise to the people who star in it...



I remember in the 80's the great Billy Connolly asking where everyone was from then asked "Is there any non Scots in?"

Les Mcewan then left promptly... Strange.




Porsche: Fast...Ferrari: Faster...Tesla: Fascist.




Miss Scotland bit two security guards and called one a nigger while being thrown out of the rugby 7s competition.

She saw an opening for a hooker



I went out yesterday evening and had a seriously hot curry.
Normally I don't take any notice of the horoscopes, in fact I don't really understand what they're on about most of the time.
But I'm now wishing I'd taken yesterday's predictions more seriously when it said, "the Sun will be moving out of Uranus".



What's the worst thing about a frightened Spaniard?



Hispanic




Tiger Woods reveals he is dating Donald Trump Jr's ex-wife.

Fuck me, this DEI hiring's really getting out of hand nowadays.





What are the three main signs of an impending stroke?

Kleenex, hand-cream and pornography




Snow Brown and the Seven Pronouns.




I don't know why dwarfs are complaining about losing acting jobs to CGI in the new Snow White film.

They were only small roles.





I got beaten up by the members of an American poodle rock band as well as Mick Jagger's lot. Whereas, the lads from a melodic early Brit-pop act said they'd always be friendly & protective

That's because Styx and Stones may break my bones but James will never hurt me



MAGA=

Moronic assholes governing America

[Piper]

What have beans, trainers and Phillip Schofield have in common?

They all come in trainers.





Prince Harry argues for state protection...

Wouldn't it be easier to file for divorce?


What's black and screams like fuck?
Stevie wonder answering the phone.


What's ginger and is getting tired now?
Elton John sucking on the gear lever.


The new 007 has been rebooted for modern times.

The names Bonded! Jamal Bondev!

Former member of the elite special ( small )
Boat Service!

Licence to claim benefits and bring my
family to UK!


The new 007 is going to be from Liverpool

The names Bond, James Bailbond.


Imagine saying "Who wants to ride my
magic penis rocket to Space?"

6 women agree including Katy Perry

Jeff Bezos is an evil genius!


Nothing screams I'm a strong independent
woman more than

Climbing aboard a giant penis shaped
Space rocket owned by a man.

Then claiming you faked it!




Scientists are testing a new product that's being referred to as

"Viagra for women."

The new product is, called ,"White Wine...

[Bikkie]

What do you get when you cross a nymphomaniac with a kleptomaniac?



A fucking thief!




I listened to all of "Brothers In Arms" by Dire Straits last night and to say it was disappointing is me being polite

Barely a mention of incestuous gay sex anywhere



When I was young my dad was always knocking things up in the garage.

The neighbour's wife, the babysitter, my sister's friends...



The Prime Minister of India decreed that there should be a huge national marathon – the likes of Boston, London & New York which get so much international publicity. Any resident of their fine country would be entitled to enter.
There was huge interest - with six million entries! “That is far too many entries” exclaimed his advisors. “Runners and spectators will be crushed to death in the crowds!”
“Then we will restrict this race just to the men of India” decreed the Prime Minister.
Entries were called again. Four million men!
The advisors called for a further reduction.” “This race will then be just for our admired eunichs” declared the Prime Minister.
Half a million entries! “Then we will limit it to the first 500 eunichs to arrive at the start line!”
What shall we call this great event Mr Prime Minister?”
“I am thinking we shall call this The India Knackerless 500!”




Just took the kids to see the new Minecraft movie- they've come away disappointed. It's part of a new exhibit at the National Coal Mining Museum...



I'm currently undergoing a lifestyle change.

Or, as the wife calls it, divorce.



I'm currently learning how to speak 'Apache'

It's easy if you know 'HOW'



My employer is introducing drug testing next week.

It's about time!

I'm sick and tired of getting ripped off with poor quality gear.




I went up to my neighbour and told him directly that for years I had been fucking his wife without him knowing.

"You mean she's your mistress ?"

"No, she charges me for it, so I'd say whore, really."




The car salesman asked if I wanted parking sensors and a reversing camera.

I said the car was for me, not the wife.



My aim in life is to be the best in the world at carving into long wooden seats.

That's the benchmark.




What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

f



With my kids, people told me I should be "lining up to see the new woke Snow White film."

Turns out that by avoiding going to see this woke catastrophe with Snow Brown, I lined up my pockets with extra cash !

[Piper]

I've been reading a book
about Music Theory, but
the terminology is a bit
confusing.
For instance: When you
play a note, it is called a
'rest', and the difference
betweens rests is called an
'Interval'
No wonder most
musicians are broke,
they're a bunch of lazy
bastard's.


I met my Tinder date who
looked nothing like her
profile picture.
"Fucking hell love, when
you said you liked cats I
didn't think you meant
Kit-kats."


People often get mixed
up, Frankenstein was
the scientist and
Frankenstein's monster
was his giant cock.


You know how they throw
the ball into the crowd
after they win a game?
Well that's not allowed in
bowling.I know that now.


I'm taking my wife on a
diving with sharks holiday.
Before I book it , I've got to
work out when her period
is.


I walked up to the girl at
the bar, "My mate wants
me to tell you that he
thinks you're hot."
"Does he now?" She
replied, "And what's your
mates name?"
"Dave, but we call him
coconut."
"Let me guess... He's thick
and hairy."
"No... he's shy."


A new study says too
much TV is linked to a
lower sperm count.
But only if you're watching
porn.


Give a man a gun and he'll
rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and
he'll rob everyone.


My local freebie papers
headline says 'Drug
dealing crackdown '
Yet my local supplier says
drug dealing, crack up.


"UK Supreme court rules that trans women
are not 'real' women.
Ain't that a kick in the dick?"

[Piper]

A dyslexic criminal enters
a library looking for a
shorter sentence.


Woman: I'd go to the ends
of the world for you!
Man: Okay, but would you
stay there?


When I was younger, porn
cost money and water
was free.
What happened?


Look on the bright side
commuter's, in 20 years
time, all of the cars stuck
in traffic jams will be
electric.


Having a piss after sex
will reduce your chances
of catching STI.
But I'm more bothered
about getting caught.


I like my women how like
my kidneys.
One is fine but I'd rather
have two.


I enjoy making
innuendos to pretty
girls knowing that
they don't twig it .
I said to the girl
behind the Fish and
Chip counter today...
.."The taste of your
batter is the best in
Norfolk."
The icing on the cake
was when she said
"You're welcome to
come anytime."

[Bikkie]

Women on dating sites are always like, 'Don't message me unless you're at least 6 feet and 2 inches.'

So I always do.

I'm 6 feet tall.


At the press conference today, Donald Trump's wife said she will stand by her husband.

Especially when he goes on the computer...




Trump boasted how quickly he could bring peace to Ukraine.

I wouldn't believe him if he was only 24 hours from Tulsa.




I don't get all the fuss about these so called superior "corn-fed" chickens

If anything, they make my knob look more yellow



I was reading an article about 'chemsex' in the gay community.

Apparently, smoking crack is quite popular in those circles.

You'd think those fellas would know about lube.



After being banned from filming in London the new Bond film will instead be shooting at BBC to ensure the same effect can be achieved.

Birmingham Bradford and Coventry



In news his week, George Forman's wife decided against a traditional burial or cremation in favour of having him grilled.



BREAKING: Due to Trump‘s tariffs, Vietnamese prostitutes will now only love Americans medium time.



Planting trees gives me wood.



JK Rowling celebrates a Supreme Court ruling that trans women are not legally women - posting a picture of herself puffing on a cigar on her $ 150million superyacht, "Samsara".

A boat that can't make up its mind if it's a male or female.


I was chatting to our local barmaid with the huge tits. I said "I'd love to take you out sometime"
She said "aww, that's nice"
I said "I was talking to your tits"



Having kids.

The tariff that makes Trump look like a pussy.




The new raghead at work got up and walked out, telling the boss he was going home early to read his Koran.
I thought, 'fair play to him'

I wouldn't have taken him for a heavy metal fan.



Aliens found on waterworld 120 light years away.

Its life Kevin but not as we know it



The wife wants me to join her taxidermy club.

Stuff that.



“Dick!”

“Cock!”

“Willy!”

“Knob!”

“Bellend!”

Honestly, this isn’t what I was expecting when I booked to attend an organ recital.



Paddy: I never drink water.

Murphy: Why not?

Paddy: That stuff rusts pipes.





I'm currently learning how to speak 'Apache'

It's easy if you know 'HOW'




My employer is introducing drug testing next week.

It's about time!

I'm sick and tired of getting ripped off with poor quality gear.



Paddy: I just bought a pair of those jeans that look like they have a pee stain in front.

Murphy: Bah ... I can make those in my sleep.



What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.



Donald Trump; 'Our economy is gonna boom!'

*go boom



What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade?

I can't Marmalade a dildo up my wife's arse



I think Donald Trump is doing a tariffic job as President.




Libtard radio-host Brian Shapiro of Las Vegas was trying to come up with a group name for David Pakman, Kyle Kucklinsky, Luke Beasley, and Harry Sisson (Harry Sissy) when they all spread their gay libtarded propaganda together.

He was none-too-happy when I called up and suggested the Butthole Surfers of the Apoca-lisp.


Most men's fantasies are to be in a threesome, but to be honest it isn't as it's cranked up to be, half way through I had to say 'Jim, frank'....


(credit - Stewart Francis)



My mate is a taxi driver in Liverpool and he picked these 2 Chinese businessmen men up from Manchester Airport yesterday and drove them to the Crown Plaza at Man Island they got out the taxi and went into the hotel.

When he drove off he noticed they had left a brief case on the back seat.

He opened the case and discovered £60,000 in cash.

Tommy a very religious lad and as honest as the day is long took the case back to the hotel and ask which room the men were in.

Reception rang their room and they came down and could not thank him enough.

They offered him £1,000 which he wouldn’t take but eventually agreed to take £100.

They said you have been very kind and we are here for the Grand National…. Put your £100 on these 2 horses and you will win big.

They have gone £15000 ew on both horses. Good Luck everyone

Here are the 2 Horses

4.00 Aintree

天地天地玄黃天地玄黃

天地玄黃天地玄黃



Meghan Markle is getting very thin and gaunt lately . Maybe Harry isn't the meal ticket she thought he was after all



Question

What's Oscar Pistorius least favourite song by the band The Police ?

Answer

I can't stand losing you



I've got a new job in a factory making chess sets.
I’m on knights next week.



I'm on the forecourt, making mischief by swapping round all the petrol and diesel nozzles on the pumps.

April Fuels.




I asked my wife if there is any chance of getting laid tonight. She repied, "Spell way". I said, "W A Y.". She said, "You forgot the F". I told her there is no F in way. She said, "Correct, now fuck off".



My neighbour asked me if I'm in favour of a free Palestine. I told him I'll take anything if I don't have to pay for it.



Scientists have discovered the reason why women talk more than men.

It's because they think we're listening...


Women and beer are very similar. Both make you act like a fool, and some go down better than others.




Just imagine having oral sex.

During a Earthquake.



A new vibrator has been produced and the vibrations are the highest on record!

Made in Bangkok


I was disgusted when some old bigot came up to me during my dog-walk and suggested my puppy was "nigger brown"

The fucking cheek. For starters his Dad was there right behind him, sniffing his arse



I’m sick to death of autocorrect ruining my text messages?

I asked the misses to duck my sick today.


Just got back from holiday in Greenland, where I picked up a MAGA hat.

Make America Go Away.



The Invisible Man is Irish.

His name's Cam O'Flage.



I stared directly at the sun but it didn't affect my eyes.

It was when they used to have page 3 girls with their tits out.



On Friday night a bunch of black men all turned up at my door saying they're "here for the party": I said, "Fuck off, there's no fucking party."

How they all proved me wrong when they all pulled out an invite my wife posted on some dating site saying, "There's a party in my huge arse tonight, and all the coloured chaps are cumming."


According to a new study, talking after having sex is just as important as sex.

I’m just glad listening isn’t important...




Paddy: I'm worried about Trump's tariffs.

Murphy: It doesn't affect me -- my wife does all the shopping.

[R650R]

The Wife asks why do you still play computer games as an adult.
I told her it’s like her putting on make up, it’s an escape from reality 🤣😂🤣