NASA and SpaceX launch rescue mission
to bring back stranded astronauts.
I feel sorry for the blokes, imagine how
awful it must be, to go back to your
wife after 9 months of peace.
NASA and SpaceX launch rescue mission
to bring back stranded astronauts.
I feel sorry for the blokes, imagine how
awful it must be, to go back to your
wife after 9 months of peace.
I wonder how many animals we had to try riding before discovering horses are fine with it.
Live commentary..cricket...
Joffry Archer...He'll be the one to get de Kock out
Before i started watching Porn hub i thought 'Pegging' was 'Putting your washing out'
The first porn movie filmed by a drone has been released.
The film is expected to be a big surprise to the people who star in it...
I remember in the 80's the great Billy Connolly asking where everyone was from then asked "Is there any non Scots in?"
Les Mcewan then left promptly... Strange.
Porsche: Fast...Ferrari: Faster...Tesla: Fascist.
Miss Scotland bit two security guards and called one a nigger while being thrown out of the rugby 7s competition.
She saw an opening for a hooker
I went out yesterday evening and had a seriously hot curry.
Normally I don't take any notice of the horoscopes, in fact I don't really understand what they're on about most of the time.
But I'm now wishing I'd taken yesterday's predictions more seriously when it said, "the Sun will be moving out of Uranus".
What's the worst thing about a frightened Spaniard?
Hispanic
Tiger Woods reveals he is dating Donald Trump Jr's ex-wife.
Fuck me, this DEI hiring's really getting out of hand nowadays.
What are the three main signs of an impending stroke?
Kleenex, hand-cream and pornography
Snow Brown and the Seven Pronouns.
I don't know why dwarfs are complaining about losing acting jobs to CGI in the new Snow White film.
They were only small roles.
I got beaten up by the members of an American poodle rock band as well as Mick Jagger's lot. Whereas, the lads from a melodic early Brit-pop act said they'd always be friendly & protective
That's because Styx and Stones may break my bones but James will never hurt me
MAGA=
Moronic assholes governing America
What have beans, trainers and Phillip Schofield have in common?
They all come in trainers.
Prince Harry argues for state protection...
Wouldn't it be easier to file for divorce?
What's black and screams like fuck?
Stevie wonder answering the phone.
What's ginger and is getting tired now?
Elton John sucking on the gear lever.
The new 007 has been rebooted for modern times.
The names Bonded! Jamal Bondev!
Former member of the elite special ( small )
Boat Service!
Licence to claim benefits and bring my
family to UK!
The new 007 is going to be from Liverpool
The names Bond, James Bailbond.
Imagine saying "Who wants to ride my
magic penis rocket to Space?"
6 women agree including Katy Perry
Jeff Bezos is an evil genius!
Nothing screams I'm a strong independent
woman more than
Climbing aboard a giant penis shaped
Space rocket owned by a man.
Then claiming you faked it!
Scientists are testing a new product that's being referred to as
"Viagra for women."
The new product is, called ,"White Wine...
What do you get when you cross a nymphomaniac with a kleptomaniac?
A fucking thief!
I listened to all of "Brothers In Arms" by Dire Straits last night and to say it was disappointing is me being polite
Barely a mention of incestuous gay sex anywhere
When I was young my dad was always knocking things up in the garage.
The neighbour's wife, the babysitter, my sister's friends...
The Prime Minister of India decreed that there should be a huge national marathon – the likes of Boston, London & New York which get so much international publicity. Any resident of their fine country would be entitled to enter.
There was huge interest - with six million entries! “That is far too many entries” exclaimed his advisors. “Runners and spectators will be crushed to death in the crowds!”
“Then we will restrict this race just to the men of India” decreed the Prime Minister.
Entries were called again. Four million men!
The advisors called for a further reduction.” “This race will then be just for our admired eunichs” declared the Prime Minister.
Half a million entries! “Then we will limit it to the first 500 eunichs to arrive at the start line!”
What shall we call this great event Mr Prime Minister?”
“I am thinking we shall call this The India Knackerless 500!”
Just took the kids to see the new Minecraft movie- they've come away disappointed. It's part of a new exhibit at the National Coal Mining Museum...
I'm currently undergoing a lifestyle change.
Or, as the wife calls it, divorce.
I'm currently learning how to speak 'Apache'
It's easy if you know 'HOW'
My employer is introducing drug testing next week.
It's about time!
I'm sick and tired of getting ripped off with poor quality gear.
I went up to my neighbour and told him directly that for years I had been fucking his wife without him knowing.
"You mean she's your mistress ?"
"No, she charges me for it, so I'd say whore, really."
The car salesman asked if I wanted parking sensors and a reversing camera.
I said the car was for me, not the wife.
My aim in life is to be the best in the world at carving into long wooden seats.
That's the benchmark.
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
f
With my kids, people told me I should be "lining up to see the new woke Snow White film."
Turns out that by avoiding going to see this woke catastrophe with Snow Brown, I lined up my pockets with extra cash !
I've been reading a book
about Music Theory, but
the terminology is a bit
confusing.
For instance: When you
play a note, it is called a
'rest', and the difference
betweens rests is called an
'Interval'
No wonder most
musicians are broke,
they're a bunch of lazy
bastard's.
I met my Tinder date who
looked nothing like her
profile picture.
"Fucking hell love, when
you said you liked cats I
didn't think you meant
Kit-kats."
People often get mixed
up, Frankenstein was
the scientist and
Frankenstein's monster
was his giant cock.
You know how they throw
the ball into the crowd
after they win a game?
Well that's not allowed in
bowling.I know that now.
I'm taking my wife on a
diving with sharks holiday.
Before I book it , I've got to
work out when her period
is.
I walked up to the girl at
the bar, "My mate wants
me to tell you that he
thinks you're hot."
"Does he now?" She
replied, "And what's your
mates name?"
"Dave, but we call him
coconut."
"Let me guess... He's thick
and hairy."
"No... he's shy."
A new study says too
much TV is linked to a
lower sperm count.
But only if you're watching
porn.
Give a man a gun and he'll
rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and
he'll rob everyone.
My local freebie papers
headline says 'Drug
dealing crackdown '
Yet my local supplier says
drug dealing, crack up.
"UK Supreme court rules that trans women
are not 'real' women.
Ain't that a kick in the dick?"
A dyslexic criminal enters
a library looking for a
shorter sentence.
Woman: I'd go to the ends
of the world for you!
Man: Okay, but would you
stay there?
When I was younger, porn
cost money and water
was free.
What happened?
Look on the bright side
commuter's, in 20 years
time, all of the cars stuck
in traffic jams will be
electric.
Having a piss after sex
will reduce your chances
of catching STI.
But I'm more bothered
about getting caught.
I like my women how like
my kidneys.
One is fine but I'd rather
have two.
I enjoy making
innuendos to pretty
girls knowing that
they don't twig it .
I said to the girl
behind the Fish and
Chip counter today...
.."The taste of your
batter is the best in
Norfolk."
The icing on the cake
was when she said
"You're welcome to
come anytime."
Women on dating sites are always like, 'Don't message me unless you're at least 6 feet and 2 inches.'
So I always do.
I'm 6 feet tall.
At the press conference today, Donald Trump's wife said she will stand by her husband.
Especially when he goes on the computer...
Trump boasted how quickly he could bring peace to Ukraine.
I wouldn't believe him if he was only 24 hours from Tulsa.
I don't get all the fuss about these so called superior "corn-fed" chickens
If anything, they make my knob look more yellow
I was reading an article about 'chemsex' in the gay community.
Apparently, smoking crack is quite popular in those circles.
You'd think those fellas would know about lube.
After being banned from filming in London the new Bond film will instead be shooting at BBC to ensure the same effect can be achieved.
Birmingham Bradford and Coventry
In news his week, George Forman's wife decided against a traditional burial or cremation in favour of having him grilled.
BREAKING: Due to Trump‘s tariffs, Vietnamese prostitutes will now only love Americans medium time.
Planting trees gives me wood.
JK Rowling celebrates a Supreme Court ruling that trans women are not legally women - posting a picture of herself puffing on a cigar on her $ 150million superyacht, "Samsara".
A boat that can't make up its mind if it's a male or female.
I was chatting to our local barmaid with the huge tits. I said "I'd love to take you out sometime"
She said "aww, that's nice"
I said "I was talking to your tits"
Having kids.
The tariff that makes Trump look like a pussy.
The new raghead at work got up and walked out, telling the boss he was going home early to read his Koran.
I thought, 'fair play to him'
I wouldn't have taken him for a heavy metal fan.
Aliens found on waterworld 120 light years away.
Its life Kevin but not as we know it
The wife wants me to join her taxidermy club.
Stuff that.
“Dick!”
“Cock!”
“Willy!”
“Knob!”
“Bellend!”
Honestly, this isn’t what I was expecting when I booked to attend an organ recital.
Paddy: I never drink water.
Murphy: Why not?
Paddy: That stuff rusts pipes.
I'm currently learning how to speak 'Apache'
It's easy if you know 'HOW'
My employer is introducing drug testing next week.
It's about time!
I'm sick and tired of getting ripped off with poor quality gear.
Paddy: I just bought a pair of those jeans that look like they have a pee stain in front.
Murphy: Bah ... I can make those in my sleep.
What's better than winning the lottery?
Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
Donald Trump; 'Our economy is gonna boom!'
*go boom
What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade?
I can't Marmalade a dildo up my wife's arse
I think Donald Trump is doing a tariffic job as President.
Libtard radio-host Brian Shapiro of Las Vegas was trying to come up with a group name for David Pakman, Kyle Kucklinsky, Luke Beasley, and Harry Sisson (Harry Sissy) when they all spread their gay libtarded propaganda together.
He was none-too-happy when I called up and suggested the Butthole Surfers of the Apoca-lisp.
Most men's fantasies are to be in a threesome, but to be honest it isn't as it's cranked up to be, half way through I had to say 'Jim, frank'....
(credit - Stewart Francis)
My mate is a taxi driver in Liverpool and he picked these 2 Chinese businessmen men up from Manchester Airport yesterday and drove them to the Crown Plaza at Man Island they got out the taxi and went into the hotel.
When he drove off he noticed they had left a brief case on the back seat.
He opened the case and discovered £60,000 in cash.
Tommy a very religious lad and as honest as the day is long took the case back to the hotel and ask which room the men were in.
Reception rang their room and they came down and could not thank him enough.
They offered him £1,000 which he wouldn’t take but eventually agreed to take £100.
They said you have been very kind and we are here for the Grand National…. Put your £100 on these 2 horses and you will win big.
They have gone £15000 ew on both horses. Good Luck everyone
Here are the 2 Horses
4.00 Aintree
天地天地玄黃天地玄黃
天地玄黃天地玄黃
Meghan Markle is getting very thin and gaunt lately . Maybe Harry isn't the meal ticket she thought he was after all
Question
What's Oscar Pistorius least favourite song by the band The Police ?
Answer
I can't stand losing you
I've got a new job in a factory making chess sets.
I’m on knights next week.
I'm on the forecourt, making mischief by swapping round all the petrol and diesel nozzles on the pumps.
April Fuels.
I asked my wife if there is any chance of getting laid tonight. She repied, "Spell way". I said, "W A Y.". She said, "You forgot the F". I told her there is no F in way. She said, "Correct, now fuck off".
My neighbour asked me if I'm in favour of a free Palestine. I told him I'll take anything if I don't have to pay for it.
Scientists have discovered the reason why women talk more than men.
It's because they think we're listening...
Women and beer are very similar. Both make you act like a fool, and some go down better than others.
Just imagine having oral sex.
During a Earthquake.
A new vibrator has been produced and the vibrations are the highest on record!
Made in Bangkok
I was disgusted when some old bigot came up to me during my dog-walk and suggested my puppy was "nigger brown"
The fucking cheek. For starters his Dad was there right behind him, sniffing his arse
I’m sick to death of autocorrect ruining my text messages?
I asked the misses to duck my sick today.
Just got back from holiday in Greenland, where I picked up a MAGA hat.
Make America Go Away.
The Invisible Man is Irish.
His name's Cam O'Flage.
I stared directly at the sun but it didn't affect my eyes.
It was when they used to have page 3 girls with their tits out.
On Friday night a bunch of black men all turned up at my door saying they're "here for the party": I said, "Fuck off, there's no fucking party."
How they all proved me wrong when they all pulled out an invite my wife posted on some dating site saying, "There's a party in my huge arse tonight, and all the coloured chaps are cumming."
According to a new study, talking after having sex is just as important as sex.
I’m just glad listening isn’t important...
Paddy: I'm worried about Trump's tariffs.
Murphy: It doesn't affect me -- my wife does all the shopping.
The Wife asks why do you still play computer games as an adult.
I told her it’s like her putting on make up, it’s an escape from reality 🤣😂🤣
Every great cause begins as a movement, becomes a business, and eventually degenerates into a racket - Eric Hoffer
Prince Harry LOSES appeal in his battle for
taxpayer-funded police protection, leaving
him facing a £1.5m legal bill.
Don't worry, Hazza, you'll be skint soon and
you won't need protecting.
I make contact lenses for
a living. Maybe I should
start making ellipse-shaped
one's for Chinese people?
Is a Gynecologist just
another name for Crack
Quack.
Statistically one in every
six people find Russian
Roulette mind blowing.
What do you call an Indian
Geordie Submarine?
Gandeep Undawata
If you drive a Subaru in
reverse what are you?
U r a bus
I don't mind watching
porn but I'd like you to
imagine you're looking at
me in the films.
"Please love, can't I just
have one thing?."
"Who would you like me
to sound like to make me
sexy?" Asked my missus.
"Marcel Marceau." I
replied.
What's a Muslim woman's
favourite boxing punch?
A high jab.
Little known fact-Bill
Gates named Microsoft
after his dick.
Walking in on my naked
girlfriend between two
nude black guys has left
me traumatised.
To the point where I've
been unable to even look
at an Oreo biscuit ever
since.
Harry, Harry, Harry, what did I say:, "you burn
the coal, you pay the toll"
Me going to the gym and
trying to get fit watching
others exercise isn't
working out.
My current porn
obsession is mixed race
couples where the woman
is on her period
Just search "black and
white menstrual show.
Thousands of eggs have been
stolen from a local farm.
Police suspect poachers are to
blame.
I was watching some
midget porn earlier and it
really made me think.
No matter where you
work, they're always
screwing the little guy.
My Gran was telling me
about the men she slept
with back in the day.
Stan Boardman, Stan Laurel,
Stanley Baker, Stan Lee, Stanley
Matthews and Stanley Baxter.
She had a lot of one night Stan's
when she was younger.
A study, published in the Journal Current
Research in Food science, suggest that
consuming watermelon can help reverse
erectile dysfunction and improve fertility.
Now, that's just racist.
Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost will be
known as Bob.
Bob Pope.
Katy Perry has described herself as a
human pinata after she was repeatedly
mocked online following her Blue Origin
space flight.
Terrible analogy. A pinata yields
pleasure.
What's the difference
between people who are
kind and people who are
always telling everyone to
be kind?
Just know that there Is a
difference.
"You gotta be shitting me!"
said my unsuspecting
quest when I told him
I was getting into
cannibalism.
And just a few hours later,
history word proved to be
true.
After thirty years of
Marriage my wife and I are
worried about the same
thing.
The size of our tits.
Datsun:
An automobile brand
owned by Nissan.
Also Jamaican for a
middle child.
The BBC is warning Bafta performers
against wearing anything that will expose
their breasts.
This warning is aimed primarily
at Ant and Dec.
Me : "Can I get two bacon and egg rolls with brown sauce?"
Shopkeeper :"No, cash or card only."
How do you blindfold a chink?
Dental floss.
I find it best to keep my mouth shut if a discussion
about trans people pops up.
Just in case a woman puts her dick in it.
When I once went ilon television to represent the union,
they told me I had to wear makeup.
Everyone told me I looked like a proper faggot and
completely botched it when I gave the interview rouge, lipstick,
and a strand of pearls.
Got sacked from the zoo for leaving the lions
cage open.
Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion
Look on the bright side
commuter's, in 20 years
time, all of the cars stuck
in traffic jams will be
electric.
Having a piss after sex
will reduce your chances
of catching STI.
But I'm more bothered
about getting caught.
I like my women how like
my kidneys.
One is fine but I'd rather
have two.
I enjoy making
innuendos to pretty
girls knowing that
they don't twig it .
I said to the girl
behind the Fish and
Chip counter today...
.."The taste of your
batter is the best in
Norfolk."
The icing on the cake
was when she said
"You're welcome to
come anytime."
I've been reading a book
about Music Theory, but
the terminology is a bit
confusing.
For instance: When you
play a note, it is called a
'rest', and the difference
betweens rests is called an
'Interval'
No wonder most
musicians are broke,
they're a bunch of lazy
bastard's.
I met my Tinder date who
looked nothing like her
profile picture.
"Fucking hell love, when
you said you liked cats I
didn't think you meant
Kit-kats."
People often get mixed
up, Frankenstein was
the scientist and
Frankenstein's monster
was his giant cock.
You know how they throw
the ball into the crowd
after they win a game?
Well that's not allowed in
bowling.I know that now.
I'm taking my wife on a
diving with sharks holiday.
Before I book it , I've got to
work out when her period
is.
I walked up to the girl at
the bar, "My mate wants
me to tell you that he
thinks you're hot."
"Does he now?" She
replied, "And what's your
mates name?"
"Dave, but we call him
coconut."
"Let me guess... He's thick
and hairy."
"No... he's shy."
A new study says too
much TV is linked to a
lower sperm count.
But only if you're watching
porn.
Give a man a gun and he'll
rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and
he'll rob everyone.
My local freebie papers
headline says 'Drug
dealing crackdown '
Yet my local supplier says
drug dealing, crack up.
"UK Supreme court rules that trans women
are not 'real' women.
Ain't that a kick in the dick?"
What do you get when you cross a nymphomaniac with a kleptomaniac?
A fucking thief!
I listened to all of "Brothers In Arms" by Dire Straits last night and to say it was disappointing is me being polite
Barely a mention of incestuous gay sex anywhere
When I was young my dad was always knocking things up in the garage.
The neighbour's wife, the babysitter, my sister's friends...
The Prime Minister of India decreed that there should be a huge national marathon – the likes of Boston, London & New York which get so much international publicity. Any resident of their fine country would be entitled to enter.
There was huge interest - with six million entries! “That is far too many entries” exclaimed his advisors. “Runners and spectators will be crushed to death in the crowds!”
“Then we will restrict this race just to the men of India” decreed the Prime Minister.
Entries were called again. Four million men!
The advisors called for a further reduction.” “This race will then be just for our admired eunichs” declare the Prime
999*-[p0Minister.
Half a million entries! “Then we will limit it to the first 500 eunichs to arrive at the start line!”
What shall we call this great event Mr Prime Minister?”
“I am thinking we shall call this The India Knackerless 500!”
Just took the kids to see the new Minecraft movie- they've come away disappointed. It's part of a new exhibit at the National Coal Mining Museum...
I'm currently undergoing a lifestyle change.
Or, as the wife calls it, divorce.
I'm currently learning how to speak 'Apache'
It's easy if you know 'HOW'
My employer is introducing drug testing next week.
It's about time!
I'm sick and tired of getting ripped off with poor quality gear.
I went up to my neighbour and told him directly that for years I had been fucking his wife without him knowing.
"You mean she's your mistress ?"
"No, she charges me for it, so I'd say whore, really."
The car salesman asked if I wanted parking sensors and a reversing camera.
I said the car was for me, not the wife.
My aim in life is to be the best in the world at carving into long wooden seats.
That's the benchmark.
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
f
With my kids, people told me I should be "lining up to see the new woke Snow White film."
Turns out that by avoiding going to see this woke catastrophe with Snow Brown, I lined up my pockets with extra cash !
What have beans, trainers and Phillip Schofield have in common?
They all come in trainers.
Prince Harry argues for state protection...
Wouldn't it be easier to file for divorce?
What's black and screams like fuck?
Stevie wonder answering the phone.
What's ginger and is getting tired now?
Elton John sucking on the gear lever.
The new 007 has been rebooted for modern times.
The names Bonded! Jamal Bondev!
Former member of the elite special ( small )
Boat Service!
Licence to claim benefits and bring my
family to UK!
The new 007 is going to be from Liverpool
The names Bond, James Bailbond.
Imagine saying "Who wants to ride my
magic penis rocket to Space?"
6 women agree including Katy Perry
Jeff Bezos is an evil genius!
Nothing screams I'm a strong independent
woman more than
Climbing aboard a giant penis shaped
Space rocket owned by a man.
Then claiming you faked it!
Scientists are testing a new product that's being referred to as
"Viagra for women."
The new product is called 'White wine."
Morning Wood.
-----------------
So when you're old and knackered and getting on a bit
And things things don't work quite as well
So imagine the delight this morning when I awoke
When my man thing had a very large swell
"Quick, I said," have a look at this
I said to my missus with a smile
She grinned with a glint in her eye and said
"Well yes, it has been quite a while"
So we heaved and we grunted and gave it a go
And it all came flooding back
When bugger me my back creaked and did pop
And my mind went completely off track
Well she started to laugh at the state I was in
And decided she would get on top
It'd been many a year and she wasn't quite slim
When my knee did twist and lock
Well she grunted and heaved as her body did weave
While I was pinned to the bed like a rock
I heard a long lost cry of, "Oh God Oh my"
As she jumped up and down on my cock
She finished the deed with a glow on her face
As I lay there not quite yet done
"OK" she said, "it's hand and knees
"Now it's your turn for some fun"
Now my knee wouldn't play as I tried to get up
And I'd forgotten I wasn't twenty one
I fell on the floor and banged my head on the door
She couldn't stop laughing at what I'd done
Now I thought to myself with out any doubt
Should I awake with an erection again
I'm not saying nowt, and I'll give it a clout
Just like I should've done then.
I thought my black neighbour worked in construction
But I realised he works in the steal industry
"Why Do Black Athletes Dominate?"
They had a lot of practice running from the police in their teens when they mugged little old white ladies.
Katy Perry has claimed that those few seconds in space make her an astronaut. By the same reckoning, I am a gynaecologist!
Women are like cooked prawns.
Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits are quite yummy!
What do police hotlines and glory holes have in common?
They both rely on anonymous tips
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