What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit, you can't even say "Black Sabbath"

You have to say, "Leroy, see you Sunday"




My wife said, "The women's Euros is on, are you watching it or coming shopping with me. "



There are three types of women.

The beautiful,
The intelligent,
And the majority.




Liam Neeson sparked relationship rumours while filming The Naked Gun with co-star Pamela Anderson.

But wait until he wakes up next to her without makeup. She will run a mile.




What do you call an Englishman in America sitting on the john?

David Furnish



I went to school with a bloke called Zed Lister

I'm not surprised nobody's ever heard of him



I was shocked to see the ball boys collecting up the balls from the women's penalties in the lionesses last match v Sweden...

I'd left 20 minutes earlier to beat the traffic.

[Bikkie]

When people get too old they take their driving licences off them so that they don't kill anyone on the road.
This is what happens next.....
They give them a mobility scooter so that they can kill every cunt on the pavement.



The meaning of life is simply a difference of angles.

'Let The Bodies Hit The Floor' and 'It's Raining Men' are a good example.



I went to school with a bloke called Nicholas Girls.

He's a photographer in the Porn Industry now.

[Bikkie]

What is similar between non alcoholic beer and a vibrator without batteries. They both fill you up, but without the buzz.




At school my favourite
lesson was P.E. Due to
the fact I had the
biggest cock. I used to
love strolling around
the changing room
naked, flicking the
weaker kids with the tip
of my towel whilst
pointing and laughing at
their little
knobs.................
looking back I think
that's why I was sacked.




This Italian man came up to me in Selfridges. "Can you tell me how to get to the 3'rd floor". "I said escalator". "I don't want to escalator, I want to know now.



Most American voters strongly disapprove of Donald Trump's handling of the Epstein files.

He's gone and stuck half the pages together.



Words with different meanings, no: 66

" Lobotomy "

French bumfun



Jewish comedians have their stand-up shows axed from Edinburgh Fringe venues as bar staff 'feel unsafe'.

Is it because they don't tip?




My dyslexic mates girlfriend said to him fuck me like a black man.

So he made love to her singing "a hip hop, a hippy to the hoppy, bang bang goes the boogie".

He's now been charged with rapping her.

[Bikkie]

Marvin Gaye

No he was straight



Uk pubs to stay open till 1am Sunday for the woman euros final.

Kick off is at 5pm but knowing them the penalties could go on till 2am......



Pubs have been granted the right to stay open late so fans can cheer on the Lionesses in Sunday's European Championship game.

Finally, we have a reason for women's football.






Well done England ladies fc.


Don't be up to late celebrating, it's Monday tomorrow and the house isn't going to clean itself!




What's the difference between a Dyson and a Harley Davidson ?

The replacement of the dirt bag.




Two old age pensioners
are having a 69.
After five minutes he
says, "Sorry, love, the
smell's too bad down
there-I can't carry
on."
"That'll be my arthritis,"
she says.
"What? I never heard
of anyone having
arthritis in their fanny
before."
"No," she says. "It's in
my arms and hands...I
can't wipe me arse."




hhhiiii isssss ttthhhatt
thhee ssexxxx shoppp
thattt sellls ttthe bbiggg
blackkkk
vibbratttttorss??? I
bbbougghttt onnne
yessssterddddy, hhhoo
ww ddoo iii ttturrrn
tthhe fffuckkking
thhinggg offfff???

[Bikkie]

Lucy Bronze played the whole Euro's with a fractured tibia. That is amazing and reminds me of that time I went to work with man flu !



I've never been that into football but now that women's team has reached the final I've found a new kind of couldn't give a shit



There are now over 1 billion websites in the world.

And 4 of them are not devoted to porn....




At 7 P.M ITV stated that 32,000 plus people were reported attending the Lioness's England team triumph in the woman's European Cup final.

The figure was double that at 6 P.M. but they had to leave early to make their husbands their dinner and pack lunch for work tomorrow.




Congratulations to the England lionesses ..
Now get back home and sort the fucking kids out




Thank fuck I'm the plumber who has to repair the leak in the Lionesses communal bath tonight





They think it's all over....


Actually, you'll never hear the end of it



I’ve been very impressed with Hannah Hampton. It looks like she’s a keeper.



Just got back home after a round of Chinese golf. Or, as they call it, Ho Lin Huan




A neighbour asked if I'd be a sperm donor for her baby..
I said " I don't know ..it's a big decision....
How olds your baby.."




'Trains delayed in Dublin after cow and horse get loose on the line.'
"The noises they made actually sounded better than Ed Sheeran!" A concert goer told reporters-



In respect of the death of their favourite jazz singer, Renault are to retire the Clio lane at their test centre.



Philippe Philoppe

I went to school with him

Always wore cheap sandals.



Doctor - We will need to conduct dialysis 3 times a week
Patient - You're taking the piss
Doctor- Yes, that's exactly what we're doing




A person once asked me "why do I think the NBA is mostly black people?"
I said "because it's based on running, shooting and stealing".

[Bikkie]

I drink Budweiser light, watch women's football, get down to a bit of Fleetwood Mac and bat for both teams ...

Still seems better than saying I support Manchester United.



Never seen so many women excited about a final

The Love Island final Monday 4th August at 9pm on ITV2



I'm off on a lads weekend.
My wife said "be good"
I said "of course, I never disappoint"





I didn't manage to watch the game last night but pornhub was streaming their event: cum on England




The Lionesses winning the Euros has shown the importance of grass roots.

Because there's no way I could watch that shit without smoking marijuana.




A lot of women say that they're uncomfortable with the male gaze when out in public. I would agree with that but go further and say let's not ignore the lesbians and queers.



Turkey recorded its highest temperature ever with 50.5°C recorded in Silopi.

Nobody likes Silopi Turkey.

Just as they don't like Silopi minge.




Turkey recorded its highest ever temperature with 50.5°C recorded in Silopi.

Turkey's cooking.




London to celebrate Lionesses with open-top bus parade.

Sadly not the kind of 'open-top' parade that would be worth watching.




"I honestly don't see what's wrong with my bumper sticker," I said, after the police came around.... "It's both motivational and pro-migrant !"

"It says - Keep Working; Millions of Migrants on Benefits are Counting on You !"





I met this girl in a pub last night, she goes " I call my fanny "The Lotto" because men are lucky to hit it"

I said " Looking at you, I thought its called "The Lotto" because you keep scratching it!



I was working in the bank yesterday when my old teacher who always said I'd never amount to anything came in asking for a loan.

I couldn't resist smiling to myself as he suddenly recognised me. I didn't say anything though, I just rinsed my mop and carried on cleaning the floor.




Single mums on dating apps; 'My baby daddy ain't shit!'

Strange. They're usually the right colour.




On the plus side, when society returns to sanity, and all this woke bullshit is behind us, it will be relatively easy to tell what parts of history, anatomy, geography, and political websites the gen Z morons had edited to make them match their warped opinions.

They'll be the sections with no grammar, no punctuation, abbreviated words, and full of emojis.




I hate double standards.
Some bird gets a
rampant rabbit and it's
seen as a bit of naughty
fun, but when I ordered
my 240 Volt FuckMaster
pro5000 blowup latex
doll with 6 speed
revolving pussy,
elasticated anus with
imitation shit dribble
and breast nipple
discharge, non-drip
semen collection tray,
together with optional
built in realistic rape
scream sound system,
I'm apparently some sort
of filthy fucking
pervert!!






Mad Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by crazy Carl.
"Licence please" said Carl. Mary sped off round the corner and bumped into loony Leon. "Insurance please" said Leon.
Off zoomed Mary again until she was stopped by donkey Dave, naked with a eight inch hard on. "Oh no" cried Mary, "Not the breathalyser again!"

[Bikkie]

Went for a meal at a Polish restaurant.

Never tried Kiwi before.



For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.




Words with different meanings, no: 28

" umbrage "

A Red-Indian river crossing




I wonder why Elon Musk hasn't provided the means for the first two people to have sex whilst in space. SpaceXXX?




The most popular boys name in England this year is
Dom Dom Dom drum roll !
Well fuck me it's

Mohammed !!!!

What a fucking surprise.




Donald Trump is reported to have issued an executive order imposing a 50% tariff on any tsunamis arriving on American shores, if true will that mean arriving tsunamis will be 50% bigger ?



SICKEST JOKE EVER?
Aman gets home from working a nightshift and decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex.
He climbs under the bottom of the duvet, gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy till she quivers and cums all over his face.
He goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there shaving her legs!
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE"
he yells...
"Sshhh!" she says
"You'll wake your
mother!"




A guy asks his new girlfriend for a hand job.
"I've never done that,"
she says, "What do I do?"
Well remember when you were a kid and you'd
shake a coke bottle and sprayed your sister with it, that's
what you do. She nods, so he pulls it out and she grabs hold
of it and starts shaking it. A minute later he has tears running
down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears.
She says, "What's wrong?" He cries, "TAKE YA FUCKIN THUMB OFF THE END!"




Paddy and Mick are in the pub talking about their sex lives.
Paddy boasts, "The wife and me Fuck like Rabbits every night."
"You lucky bastard" replies
Mick, "I only get it once a month and I call it TheBruce Lee Night."
"Why the fuck do you call it that?" asks Paddy. Mick replies, "Because it's the night I enter the Fuckin Dragon."




Guns v Women
SIX REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN

1.You can trade in an old 45 for a 22:

2.You can admire a friend's gun and he'll let you try it:

3.Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo:

4.Guns function normally 'everyday':

5.A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it:

And the best one.......

6.YOU CAN BUY A FUCKING SILENCER FOR A GUN!




Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight." His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm. ok, I'll do it on 2 conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second...we don't go down past my mother's house!"

[Bikkie]

Doctor, Doctor, every time I play cricket I can't resist the urge to throw food of a sweet or savoury nature, encased in pastry.

Sounds like a classic case of pie bowler disorder!



Difference between Donald Trump and Sheffield Wednesday.?.
Donald Trump can bring 2 subs on .




A priest dies and his spirit is in the void when a voice calls to him,
"Well my old son, you got it wrong, karma is the law of the universe and you need to go back and learn your lesson. "
"I understand, " said the priest, "but please, don't send me back as a priest, the things I did I'm really sorry for and I will need to learn restraint and compassion. "
"Oh, you don't get off that easy, " replied the voice, "you're going back as a choirboy. "




The hotel I'm staying at is hosting a battered wives convention.

Never realised cannibalism was so popular in Scotland.




President Trump to build $200m White House ballroom.

Somewhere to put his new gold airplane.



When Hamlet holds up a skull and talks to it saying things like "Alas, poor Yorick" in a Shakespeare play, everyone thinks it's high-class and sophisticated.
But when I do it, they say "You're scaring the children" and "Please leave the supermarket immediately" and "We're calling the police"



Marriage requires man to prepare 4 types of "rings."

The Engagement Ring

The wedding Ring

The suffe-Ring

The Endu-Ring




5 SECRETS TO A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP:

1.It's important to have a man who helps at home and knows how to cook, clean and has a job.

2.It's important to have a man who makes you laugh.

3.I's important to have a man you can trust and wants only you.

4.It's important to have a man who's good in bed and enjoys being with you.

5.It's absolutely vital these 4 men don't know each other!!!
( pass this on to all the women you know who need a laugh )




I've just come out of the 'Bakery' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for 2 days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power."




The creation of a pussy:
7 wise men, with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design, first was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife he gave it a slit, second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, third was a Taylor, tall and thin, using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter short and stout, with fur from a fox, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last was a sailor, a dirty little cunt, sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt. Then God came along dumb as a barge, stuffed it completely, put a woman in charge!




One of life's great mysteries:
How is it that a woman can fit a 7 inch vibrator into her half incf fanny IN THE DARK.....But she's unable to fit an 8 foot car into a 15 foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?




A bloke catches a woman giving him the eye in the supermarket.
"Do I know you?" he says. She asks him. "Aren't you the father of one of my children?"
He quickly thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful and adds.
"Were you the hooker I had over the pool table while your mate spanked me with a
wet piece of celery while shoving a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replied, "I'm your daughter's teacher."




I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my misses walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbelievable.
It seemed to take ages, but eventually there she was standing beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get the trolley love. They're doing 3 cartons of TUI FOR THE PRICE OF 2




This fella hooked up with a girl with OCD
( Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ).
She told him she was obsessed with doing everything alphabetically.
So first they did it Anal, then she gave him a Blowjob, then her licked her Clit, and
then he took her Doggie style. Then he got up and got dressed.
She shouted , "What about E?" He said, "I've done E sweetheart-Ejaculated:.
"Now I'm doing F,G, and H....Fucking Going Home."






Karen Carpenter

No she was a singer




Bonnie Blue: 'I love being fucked by the public'.

Whilst the rest of us have to make do with the Government.





A new choirboy goes into a confession box and says to the priest, "Father, I want to confess."
"Go on, my son," said the priest.
"Father... I'm gay..."




UEFA have announced that in the upcoming Afcon tournament as well as red and yellow cards for discipline there will also be a black card which can be used by any team if they are unhappy with the referees performance and their bottom lips start to tremble

Expect many of these cards also to be made avialble to the die hard ultra fans for use after 70 minutes of continuous annoying blowing into those droning things vuvu erm voovoo erm vovo erm Woghorns





Please turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
37OHSSV O773H




A kid sat on the stairs with his cat and his smarties. As his mum watched, he put a smartie in his mouth licked the cat and moved down a step, he then put another smartie in his mouth , licked the cat again moved down another step. His mum puzzled at his actions, asked what are you doing? He said I'm getting some practice in for when I'm older. How's that? I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on.




WOMEN eh!

Boobjobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, Botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples , pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpit shaved, legs waxed lenghty diets, strenuous exercise, and THEN.............................................. ......

They won't take it up the arse.
"Coz it hurts"




Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them.
Paddy goes off and buys a sausage. Murphy says. "Are you mad?" "Now we're skint!" "Come on" says Paddy "Follow me" They go into the pub order 2 pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage throuht the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says, " I can't do this any more my knees are sore and I'm pissed." "How do you think I feel?" says Paddy, "I can't remember which pub I lost the sausage in..."

[Bikkie]

I'm on holiday in Amsterdam at the moment, and this week they had a Pride festival.

The streets weren't too busy, though.

I think most of them went up the canal.



Francis Rossi told me he was planning on releasing a reggae album.

I told him to stick to the status quo



During the first lesson, my magic teacher told me I could pull off the weird and wonderful.

I left.

Gay cunt.




My marriage to the missus resembles a rose ...
She the rose and I'm the prick




New definitions...

VPN.

View Porn Now.




Who knew getting a VPN could be so educational, I've had that many wanks the last few days I'm nearly fluent in french






Before meeting the German chancellor, Donald Trump, remembering Kennedy’s famous German quote in Berlin over 60 years ago decided to go one better so he invited the German ambassador for tea at Trump Tower. Trump rudely stated his desire to learn a German phrase to use on the Chancellor. The ambassador controlled his anger and after about 30 difficult minutes Trump was finally able to speak a phrase in the German language.
The meeting with the Chancellor took place in the Oval Office and was broadcast live on Television in both the USA and Germany. The German greeted Donald in English and Trump proudly said “ Ich bin eine Schlampe”.
Everyone in the office loudly agreed, applauded and cheered.


It wasn’t until much later that a harried junior aide explained the the German word ‘schlampe’ actually meant ‘twat’,



My girlfriend just left me because I have a small Penis.....

Ahh well..I wasn't that much into her




Pat Pending? I went to school with him.

Very protective of his stuff.



I am not a conspiracy theorist. All I’m saying is that if we had really landed on the moon in the summer of 69, it would have been far more noteworthy than Jimmy quitting or Jody getting married. Yet Bryan Adams never mentioned it…



William Shakespeare couldn't decide whether to set his new play in a seaside town in Devon.

Torquay or not Torquay that is the question



Sometimes...When
you cry...no one sees
your tears...
Sometimes...When you
are in pain...no one sees your hurt...Sometimes...When you are worried...no one sees your stress...Sometimes...When you are happy...no one sees your smile...But try masturbating in Woolworths car park just one fucking time and see how much attention you get.
Can you pick me up from the police station?




Bloke goes into a bar and nails a quadruple whiskey in one.
Barman says, "What's up?"
Bloke says, "I came home from work early to find my wife sucking off my best friend."
"What did you do?" asks the barman. "I told her to pack her things and fuck off!
"And what about your best friend?" "I looked him straight in the eye and said, BAD DOG NO BISCUITS."




Skinny white man goes into lift and looks up at this huge black man, who says, "Before you ask, 7ft tall, 350lbs, 20inch dick and my balls weigh 3lb each, Turner Brown's the name."
At which point the white guy faints, when he comes to, he asks the black man to say that again.
Black man repeats his stats and says, "My names Turner Brown."
"Thank God for that. I thought you said, TURN AROUND!:




An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa:

Consul: Your name please?

Arab: Abu Zina.

Consul: Sex?

Arab: Every day.

Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?

Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even Camel.

Consul: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.

Consul: Isn't that hostile?

Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!..

Consul: Oh dear!

Arab: No deer! Arsehole too tight and run too fast.




Kindy Girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!" Mum replies "Where's that then darling?"
Girl says. "Mummy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out. Mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and that's how you get babies!"
Shaking her head Mum says, "Oh darling, that's not how we get babies. That's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes and all the decorating done!




Happy and sad:
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV, when he turned to his wife and said..."Babe, tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad all at the same time."
She said..."You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates...




I just heard on the news that someone checked into the psych ward wearing only a thong and riding a goat. I will come and get you this time...,But this shit has to stop!!!!



SICKEST JOKE OF THE YEAR AWARD-Litttle boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum, 'Granny's got a prawn!"
Mum asks, "What on earth do you mean?"
Boy takes his mum and shows his grandma ,stark naked asleep on the sofa, points to grandma's protruding clitoris and says, "Granny's got a prawn!"
His mum whispers..."That's your grandma's clitoris son"
To which the little boy replied, "Well it tastes like a prawn."