What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Everyone calls it tofu, I prefer toffu.

I cook mine in caramel.




Tofu originated in China and is now popular the world over.

Someone definitely saw a chink in the market.




This year:

Lex Luthor dead.

General Zod dead.

Nuclear Man might want to be careful..




"There she was just walking down the street, singing Doo wah Diddy Diddy dum Diddy doo, snapping her fingers and shuffling her feet, singing doo wah Diddy Diddy dum Diddy doo...she looked good......."

I think you mean she looked deranged




Prince Andrew loves playing poker in Germany

Especially when he gets four of a kind




Last night I did my chore in the house and loaded the dishwasher.

Orgasmed in her anus three times last night.




Black is Black, I want my Baby back...

Who remembers this song?

None of the fucking fathers thats for sure!




"Gloria Gaynor Getting Pushback Now For Daring to Receive Trump Kennedy Center Honor"

Somehow, I think she will survive.



Meghan Markle sports more than £237,000 worth of jewellery to cook a pasta recipe for the commoners on Netflix show.

Her £170 titanium pan was calling her black.



When I was at school, a kid said to me "my dad's bigger than your dad"

I thought to myself "that's weird, when has he seen both our dad's with a hard on?"

[Bikkie]

In a recent statement, President Trump said Russia is a country that "doesn’t make anything."

Vladimir Putin said, "That’s not true, we’re making Ukraine into Russia."



When black people share their music with the world, the loudest and most obscene rap music, it barely gets noticed.

When I blare my music out of my vehicle at top decibel, Offenbach's Orpheus aux Enfers or Schubert's Unfinished Symphony, I truly get the strangest looks.




I've only done a couple of steps today

Claire up the shitter and Faye in her gob



My mate attended a speed awareness course and said it lasted five hours.

Mine was much quicker than that.



Noel Clarke set to reprise his role as a suicide bomber from Star Trek Into Darkness in the next film..

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan's London





I saw a hen today that had a crystal ball.

I asked the farmer about it.

"Well, " said the Farmer, "he's a chicken that uses it to get in touch with the Other Side of the road."



The manager of Tesco's is asking customers to stop bringing knives into the stores.

He said, "It’s our job to rob you guys."

[Bikkie]

What do you get if you mix a nigger with an octopus?

I have no idea, but it's damn good at picking cotton.



A black bloke at work today proclaimed that he "Only dates black women". I asked " Isn't that kind of racist?", and he said "Na man. When black women have thick lips, a wide noses, and dark rings around their eyes, no one sees any difference, but when a white chick looks like that you get assholes calling the cops and reporting you for beating her".

Oddly, it seems that idea of NOT punching women hasn't ever occurred to him.




Who else is hoping this 3i/atlas is full of giant ananarchi birds looking for snoo snoo like in Futurama?




Anyone else think the Womens Rugby is fantastic?

Just a little hint to help the referees though:

When a 5'5" 17 stone munster with side burns, goatee & a skinhead haircut throws the ball in from the side line & you blow the whistle and shout "not straight" you could be stating the fucking obvious!




Claire Skies? I went to school with her.

She's a meteorologist now







from Dr Who and Star Trek, to Comet and Starbucks.

Noel Clarke's stellar career continues to be out of this world!




I was about to have sex with this fat chick I picked up and she said, " Please don't break my heart". I assured her that my cock will not reach that far.



I asked my daughter what she would like to be when she grows up.

She replied, "I want to be like Mum"

Horrible!!!



Fun fact.
Did you know that chesney hawkes in Spanish is
Juan Anonli.



Bobby Brazier, 22, is quitting showbiz and moving to India to pursue the Hare Krishna religion.

From eastenders to eastern benders



"Dad, today we were learning in school about how last names came from what people did hundreds of years ago, and the other kids all started making fun of me."
"I'll hear no more of this, young man, you should be proud to be a Dickinson".



We all have our vices, for example English men like to drink lager whereas Pakistani men like to fuck kids.

And then the drunk English men put the Pakis' balls in a vice and extract their confessions.

[Bikkie]

"Yo, motherfucker, where my kids at?"

Said no black man ever.



After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me sheÂ’s pregnant

She has the worst stutter ever




Match the anagram to the constituency:

SHOOT TRUMP - INVERNESS

HE'S RICH ETC - LOWESTOFT

SINKS BOAT E.G - TOWCESTER

A MINT THONG - ALFRETON

BARE NEED - ATHERSTONE

FUR LINED MEN - CARLISLE

SHAVE ME - NOTTHINGHAM

GRIND THROB - DONCASTER

SHED RED FLUID - SWANSEA

WANT CHIN - DUNFERMLINE

CAN'T LASER - BAKE WELL

WAS SANE - HUDDERSFIELD

WEEK BALL - PORTSMOUTH

SOW PORK - WARRINGTON

I'LL SCARE - HARROGATE

ICY LIBERAL - EVESHAM

NEVER SINS - ABERREEN

STASH BIN - WORKSOP

FRIES MUD - BRIDGNORTH

GEAR OR HAT - CHICHESTER

GROW THIN - DUMFRIES

LOT OF STEW - HASTINGS

MORA LEFT - LANCASTER

RETEST COW - MANTWICH

THE ONE STAR - WORTHING

CAR STONED - BILLERICAY

WART ON CHIN - BASINGSTOKE

Inspired by risco



It's a well known fact that Blacks can run faster, jump higher & put more balls through hoops then any other race.

To be honest I don't think Police Dogs get the credit they deserve.




What do you call 3 Black Women born in Nigeria playing Rugby for Ireland?

O'Really!

[Bikkie]

I have just recently found out my wife is pregnant.

So she sent me to the shop to buy a marternity bra.

The girl asked me "What bust"

"The damn condom!"




Dr Who series finale:

Billie Piper and her milf mother fighting off Noel Clarke in her London flat..

The Doctor crashes down the door and fires his sonic screwdriver at Noel..

"Ow!' shouts Noel as he withdraws his machete..

"If you strike me down i will become more powerful than you could imagine.." The Doctor warns Noel.

"Is you dizzy blud? That's from star wars init!" He snarled as he lunged toward The Doctor stabbing and slashing him repeatedly ..

As Noel runs out the flat Billie and her mother cradle the dying Doctor weeping uncontrollably..

"Well I suppose there's worse ways to go.." the Doctor gasped as he stared at their heaving bosoms.. "Here I go.. Ohhh"

The Doctor regenerated as Billie and her mum recoiled in shock..

'Don't tell me, I'm Black.'.. (he stared at the two women's pretty faces and chests, feeling nothing..) 'and gay..'




Pest controllers say the UK is on the brink of a 'vermin explosion'.

Well, that's what happens when you let Islamic fundamentalists in.




My neighbour Abdul was telling all about his trip to Disney World, in particular their new ride, "ICE"

"It's fucking great", he said.

You get blindfolded, chucked into a van, searched to within a millimetre of your prostate and flown on a fighter jet to the nearest airport where they take you home"



Technology giant Apple has announced it has gone into partnership with a Korean car manufacturer to produce a new line of flat pack furniture.

The new brand will be called i-Kia.




Taylor Swift has got engaged then.
Let's hope a sex tape comes out so we can all have a good look at her ring.




There's a place in Dublin named Pump Wood.

It must be where gays take their doggers.




Golfer Tommy Fleetwood is 34 and his wife is 57.

Tommy's father is in his 60s, so 57 is still below Pa.




A lot of people were complaining that there was a woman breastfeeding in public, so I had no choice but to stand up for her.

I couldn't get a good view sitting down.




Word of warning: if you're steaming drunk and a bird asks if you'd like to see her 'gaff' make sure it's not actually a crossdresser wanting to show you her fake minge...

[Bikkie]

What have Bavarians and Gemma Collins got in common?

They all love München




What have Katie Price and Manchester City got in common?

They both have easy draws



I was walking past Old Trafford this morning and noticed a Season Ticket had been nailed to the gate. I thought, I'm having that. You never know when you'll need a nail.




The oriental guy at work has been in a near-rage all morning, because he found out that his daughter has been working as a stripper in France to pay for her expensive tuition there.

I didn't help when I told him I'm sure she puts the Mulan in Moulin Rouge.