What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Everyone calls it tofu, I prefer toffu.

I cook mine in caramel.




Tofu originated in China and is now popular the world over.

Someone definitely saw a chink in the market.




This year:

Lex Luthor dead.

General Zod dead.

Nuclear Man might want to be careful..




"There she was just walking down the street, singing Doo wah Diddy Diddy dum Diddy doo, snapping her fingers and shuffling her feet, singing doo wah Diddy Diddy dum Diddy doo...she looked good......."

I think you mean she looked deranged




Prince Andrew loves playing poker in Germany

Especially when he gets four of a kind




Last night I did my chore in the house and loaded the dishwasher.

Orgasmed in her anus three times last night.




Black is Black, I want my Baby back...

Who remembers this song?

None of the fucking fathers thats for sure!




"Gloria Gaynor Getting Pushback Now For Daring to Receive Trump Kennedy Center Honor"

Somehow, I think she will survive.



Meghan Markle sports more than £237,000 worth of jewellery to cook a pasta recipe for the commoners on Netflix show.

Her £170 titanium pan was calling her black.



When I was at school, a kid said to me "my dad's bigger than your dad"

I thought to myself "that's weird, when has he seen both our dad's with a hard on?"

[Bikkie]

In a recent statement, President Trump said Russia is a country that "doesn’t make anything."

Vladimir Putin said, "That’s not true, we’re making Ukraine into Russia."



When black people share their music with the world, the loudest and most obscene rap music, it barely gets noticed.

When I blare my music out of my vehicle at top decibel, Offenbach's Orpheus aux Enfers or Schubert's Unfinished Symphony, I truly get the strangest looks.




I've only done a couple of steps today

Claire up the shitter and Faye in her gob



My mate attended a speed awareness course and said it lasted five hours.

Mine was much quicker than that.



Noel Clarke set to reprise his role as a suicide bomber from Star Trek Into Darkness in the next film..

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan's London





I saw a hen today that had a crystal ball.

I asked the farmer about it.

"Well, " said the Farmer, "he's a chicken that uses it to get in touch with the Other Side of the road."



The manager of Tesco's is asking customers to stop bringing knives into the stores.

He said, "It’s our job to rob you guys."

[Bikkie]

What do you get if you mix a nigger with an octopus?

I have no idea, but it's damn good at picking cotton.



A black bloke at work today proclaimed that he "Only dates black women". I asked " Isn't that kind of racist?", and he said "Na man. When black women have thick lips, a wide noses, and dark rings around their eyes, no one sees any difference, but when a white chick looks like that you get assholes calling the cops and reporting you for beating her".

Oddly, it seems that idea of NOT punching women hasn't ever occurred to him.




Who else is hoping this 3i/atlas is full of giant ananarchi birds looking for snoo snoo like in Futurama?




Anyone else think the Womens Rugby is fantastic?

Just a little hint to help the referees though:

When a 5'5" 17 stone munster with side burns, goatee & a skinhead haircut throws the ball in from the side line & you blow the whistle and shout "not straight" you could be stating the fucking obvious!




Claire Skies? I went to school with her.

She's a meteorologist now







from Dr Who and Star Trek, to Comet and Starbucks.

Noel Clarke's stellar career continues to be out of this world!




I was about to have sex with this fat chick I picked up and she said, " Please don't break my heart". I assured her that my cock will not reach that far.



I asked my daughter what she would like to be when she grows up.

She replied, "I want to be like Mum"

Horrible!!!



Fun fact.
Did you know that chesney hawkes in Spanish is
Juan Anonli.



Bobby Brazier, 22, is quitting showbiz and moving to India to pursue the Hare Krishna religion.

From eastenders to eastern benders



"Dad, today we were learning in school about how last names came from what people did hundreds of years ago, and the other kids all started making fun of me."
"I'll hear no more of this, young man, you should be proud to be a Dickinson".



We all have our vices, for example English men like to drink lager whereas Pakistani men like to fuck kids.

And then the drunk English men put the Pakis' balls in a vice and extract their confessions.

[Bikkie]

"Yo, motherfucker, where my kids at?"

Said no black man ever.



After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me sheÂ’s pregnant

She has the worst stutter ever




Match the anagram to the constituency:

SHOOT TRUMP - INVERNESS

HE'S RICH ETC - LOWESTOFT

SINKS BOAT E.G - TOWCESTER

A MINT THONG - ALFRETON

BARE NEED - ATHERSTONE

FUR LINED MEN - CARLISLE

SHAVE ME - NOTTHINGHAM

GRIND THROB - DONCASTER

SHED RED FLUID - SWANSEA

WANT CHIN - DUNFERMLINE

CAN'T LASER - BAKE WELL

WAS SANE - HUDDERSFIELD

WEEK BALL - PORTSMOUTH

SOW PORK - WARRINGTON

I'LL SCARE - HARROGATE

ICY LIBERAL - EVESHAM

NEVER SINS - ABERREEN

STASH BIN - WORKSOP

FRIES MUD - BRIDGNORTH

GEAR OR HAT - CHICHESTER

GROW THIN - DUMFRIES

LOT OF STEW - HASTINGS

MORA LEFT - LANCASTER

RETEST COW - MANTWICH

THE ONE STAR - WORTHING

CAR STONED - BILLERICAY

WART ON CHIN - BASINGSTOKE

Inspired by risco



It's a well known fact that Blacks can run faster, jump higher & put more balls through hoops then any other race.

To be honest I don't think Police Dogs get the credit they deserve.




What do you call 3 Black Women born in Nigeria playing Rugby for Ireland?

O'Really!

[Bikkie]

I have just recently found out my wife is pregnant.

So she sent me to the shop to buy a marternity bra.

The girl asked me "What bust"

"The damn condom!"




Dr Who series finale:

Billie Piper and her milf mother fighting off Noel Clarke in her London flat..

The Doctor crashes down the door and fires his sonic screwdriver at Noel..

"Ow!' shouts Noel as he withdraws his machete..

"If you strike me down i will become more powerful than you could imagine.." The Doctor warns Noel.

"Is you dizzy blud? That's from star wars init!" He snarled as he lunged toward The Doctor stabbing and slashing him repeatedly ..

As Noel runs out the flat Billie and her mother cradle the dying Doctor weeping uncontrollably..

"Well I suppose there's worse ways to go.." the Doctor gasped as he stared at their heaving bosoms.. "Here I go.. Ohhh"

The Doctor regenerated as Billie and her mum recoiled in shock..

'Don't tell me, I'm Black.'.. (he stared at the two women's pretty faces and chests, feeling nothing..) 'and gay..'




Pest controllers say the UK is on the brink of a 'vermin explosion'.

Well, that's what happens when you let Islamic fundamentalists in.




My neighbour Abdul was telling all about his trip to Disney World, in particular their new ride, "ICE"

"It's fucking great", he said.

You get blindfolded, chucked into a van, searched to within a millimetre of your prostate and flown on a fighter jet to the nearest airport where they take you home"



Technology giant Apple has announced it has gone into partnership with a Korean car manufacturer to produce a new line of flat pack furniture.

The new brand will be called i-Kia.




Taylor Swift has got engaged then.
Let's hope a sex tape comes out so we can all have a good look at her ring.




There's a place in Dublin named Pump Wood.

It must be where gays take their doggers.




Golfer Tommy Fleetwood is 34 and his wife is 57.

Tommy's father is in his 60s, so 57 is still below Pa.




A lot of people were complaining that there was a woman breastfeeding in public, so I had no choice but to stand up for her.

I couldn't get a good view sitting down.




Word of warning: if you're steaming drunk and a bird asks if you'd like to see her 'gaff' make sure it's not actually a crossdresser wanting to show you her fake minge...

[Bikkie]

What have Bavarians and Gemma Collins got in common?

They all love München




What have Katie Price and Manchester City got in common?

They both have easy draws



I was walking past Old Trafford this morning and noticed a Season Ticket had been nailed to the gate. I thought, I'm having that. You never know when you'll need a nail.




The oriental guy at work has been in a near-rage all morning, because he found out that his daughter has been working as a stripper in France to pay for her expensive tuition there.

I didn't help when I told him I'm sure she puts the Mulan in Moulin Rouge.






MSP Colin Smyth suspended from Scottish Parliament over allegations of hidden camera placed in toilets.

What an idiot.

If he wanted to see a load of twats, dicks and arseholes, he could've just looked at the building's CCTV footage.



I was cut up by a Sikh in an Audi earlier and the bastard still managed to stick his turbaned-head out the window and give me a volley of expletitives

Definite case of road Raj





What have Katie Price and nostalgic chocolate enthusiasts got in common?

Neither can remember the last time they had a big Yorkie inside them




Rick Tangle. Went to school with him.

He was kinda square.




I had my heart broken by a communist

I should've seen the red flags




I went to school with Sue Donym.

Nice girl, not sure that was her real name

[Bikkie]

Psychologists have found that going to sleep early may help ward off mental illness.

In other words,

if you stayed up late to find a non ID porn site you’re insane....



What's the difference between Gemma Collins and a football pitch?

The pitch only has 22 starters



I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics.

Two birds, one stone.



Just seen a tv advert for Jean Claude Gaultier perfume.

Must be getting close to Christmas then.




It's a misconception that as we get older we become more racist.

We just become more honest.




How do you remove Mike Tyson's gumshield?

Ask him to say " S Club 7 "



I was in a band called, The Prevention.

We were better than The Cure.




Why is it that they keep telling us that fat people
are dying of heart attacks and heart disease in the
news,the papers, and online,YET when you go in
the Heart Foundation Charity Shop there isn't a bit
of clothing larger than a medium to be found.




Bruce Willis is going into a care home.

He goes from battling terrorists/asteroids/ghosts
and Sam Jackson, to fighting illegal immigrant carers
stealing his personal belongings, sub standard chefs
making his dinner. and his family draining all his bank accounts .

[Bikkie]

Just saw the new Mission Impossble movie.

I can't believe Tom Cruise still does all his own Scientology.




I was buying my 4th house, and before I paid my property tax, I asked if the Rayner deal was still available.

The bloke said, I'll ask you a few questions and we'll see if you qualify....
"Have you created trust funds for all your children to reduce your tax?
Is everything in your Wife's name?
Do you have a bank account in a tax-free haven?"

Yes, yes and yes, I replied.

Thank you, sir - nothing to pay today.




What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.




One time I was in a corner shop, and saw a young boy pick up a Mars bar and slip it into his pocket.

Then the shopkeeper appeared and shouted, "Oi, you! Hands off!"

They don't fuck about in Saudi Arabia.




A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some
extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find
her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house
and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."




An anti-semite is drinking in a bar.
He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew." The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?" "Oh no, sir, he's the owner."



What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

Uranium gets to its half-life on time.



"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."
Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."



How Long is a chinese name?

Yes it is.




Black people use hot sauce on everything because they have developed a taste for pepper spray.




What's the difference between a feminist and a baby?

The baby eventually grows up and stops crying.




If a girl fucks more than 10 guys in a year she's called a slut.
But if a bloke does it he's gay, definitely gay.



On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.




I've had it up to here with jokes that rely on visual imagery.




Do you want to join the Alzheimer's protest march? If so, learn the chant...

"What do we want?"

"I don't know!"

"When do we want it?"

"Want what?"




On our wedding night my new bride said she'd give me a blowjob every day if I could prove I'd never been with anyone else.

So I said, "What's a blowjob?"




I said to my mate, "I saw a man get thrown under a bus today!"

He said, "Oh my God, was it moving?"

I said, "Well a few on-lookers were crying but I was fine."




How come the movie 'White Men Can't Jump' isn't racist, yet, when I try to make a movie called 'Black Men Can't Get Jobs,' I get called a racist?




I'm adopted, and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.

But why everyday?




What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.




I'm having an African themed party tonight.

There's no food and the drinks are 12 miles away.




I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a 'bag for life'. I said, "No thanks, I'm already married.

[Bikkie]

Lots of guys name their penis, so I called mine Goldilocks. It's not small but it's also not too big. It's just right.

And there's plenty of porridge for everyone.




The Sun: Katie Price riding high at number 3.

Bit of a way to go to catch Lily Phillips, girl.




I was sunbathing in Benidorm while my wife walked back and forth.

She then asked, "What do you think about my new flip flops?"

I replied, "Please put your bra back on."




Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!




What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?

They both change your ring tone.



If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome...

Then why is Handsome still a compliment?




When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, it's hard not to think to yourself...

"I've licked your daughter's nipples."



I've just upgraded to Sky HD.

I'm impressed.
The phrase 'No satellite signal is being received' has never been so colourful and clear.




I said to my mate, "I watched the Olympic Weightlifting Competition."

He said, "The men's or women's?"

I said, "I haven't got a fucking clue."




My 16 year-old girlfriend's parents were round for dinner last night, after trying her brilliant cooking they asked her what her secret was.

Perfect time to tell them she's pregnant.



What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.



I was recently turned down on my application for an Australian green card, on account of my criminal record.
Bit fucking ironic is it not?



When God created Adam and Eve, he spoke and said, "I have two gifts to give to each of you. First! One of you can have the ability to pee wherever ye shall please!"
Right away, Adam jumped up and said, "Oh! Me! I want that one!"
And God said, "But you haven't heard what the other gift is!"
And Adam said, "I don't care! I want that one!"
So, God sighed, "Fine. It shall be yours!"
God made it so, and Adam started jumping up and down and running all over the place and peeing wherever he wanted.
Then God looked at Eve and sighed, "I guess you're stuck with multiple orgasms."



Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?

Because it was a mail dominated industry




My wife has always proclaimed that there is nothing more painful than childbirth.

Clearly never trodden on a plug in the middle of the night then!




Whenever my anorexic girlfriend says she needs a pee, I never know if she needs the toilet or she's just hungry.

[Bikkie]

A new study shows 88% of people disapprove of texting while walking.

The other 12% have been killed...





What's the difference between a teddy-bear and Gemma Collins?

You won't be surprised to see Gemma Collins having a picnic in the woods (although you might still better close your eyes)




Father Ted writer Graham Linehan has been arrested by 5 armed police at Heathrow, for tweeting "If a trans-identified male is in a female-only space, he is committing a violent, abusive act.

"Make a scene, call the cops and if all else fails, punch him in the balls."

Wait until they find this fuckin place...we're fucked!

I'm hoping a certain Kingjongtrump is indeed who he says he is, and issues a few Royal Pardons



Men v women
we see things differently,
For instance I come home to a dark house and question what's with the candles and darkness have we had a power cut, or are we trying to contact the dead.
She replies it's romantic and relaxing.
They don't come with a manual do they,ffs!




Average white band

No they're rather good actually



Sting being sued by Police bandmates:

Bet you feel So Lonely now your mates Don't Stand so Close to You.

Ah Well Every Pound You Take.

No point putting your head in the sand saying Da do do do .......




Sting Stung




Gordon Sumner sued by Police in Autumn sting.




I asked the wife if she was in the mood,

"Which particular fucking mood are you referring to?" she snapped at me.

I guess that was no then.



Phil Anthropy

I went to school with him.

Always giving his pocket money away.




Drew Peacock

I worked with him.

Nice fella.

Said he had erectile problems, though.




Prince Andrew has launched his own brand of biscuits aimed at appealing to children

They're called "Jammie Todgers"



My gay boss asked me to move his car this morning, when I got in, there was this button on the dashboard saying rear wiper, I thought mmmm. better not.




"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.




I was sitting on the train next to this really hot Thai girl and I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection."

But she did!




I shouted a taxi driver over and saw he was a muslim.
I said "How much to the airport mate?", "£50 mate" he replied.
So, i gave him the money and told him to fuck off.



I saw a woman breastfeeding in the park the other day. "Look love, there's a time and place for that.", I said.
"Typical bloody man!" she spat.
"I bet you spend all your time wanking over pictures of tits on the internet, but you can't handle seeing them used as nature intended?"
"I like looking at women's arses too, it doesn't mean I want to see you taking a shit." I replied.



When I was young my parents would warn me that if I was bad the boogie man would come and get me.

I was never scared though, I fucking loved disco music.



My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.




How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.




After an extremely generous redundancy package from the herb and spice company I was working at, I thought I would be able to enjoy not working for at least 6 months before finding another job, but I've just got too much thyme on my hands.




People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven.

They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?



A priest walks up to a prostitute and says "'Excuse me but what would your mother do if she saw you here?"
The prozzy replies."She'd kill me.This is her corner."



Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.



Studies show women only make 85 cents for every buck a man makes, but court documents show women get 85 cents for every buck a man has.




I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

[Bikkie]

Study reveals women prefer larger penises.

Hardly surprising.

Most of the women I know go out with enormous dicks.




Mastermind:
Such clever intelligent Women who can quote pye to 33 decimal points & the exact curvature of the Earth at any given time without even thinking.

Mastermind:
such fat fucking Women who can eat 33 pies without even knowing the curvature of their own bodies & still think they're fucking intelligent.



I have only one word for women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and a high sex drive

Hello!




Love Me Do was written by John Lennon after he'd been to the barbers.



An Imam of a mosque in Northampton has been charged with the offence of marrying 2 Children.

In his defence he has said that not all Women can ride a bike & Allah preaches safety & just because
the bride had stabilizer's on her bike was no indication of her age & equally after the ceremony when the
happy couple left in the husbands pedal car showed complete regard for the fact he hadn't passed his test.



Am suing my DR for a wrongful medical diagnosis.

He said I have a drink problem but as I pointed out I have no problem drinking, my problem is stopping!




A new study this week found that women prefer bigger penises.

Well I say, "too bad."



All this talk about liverpool spending a fortune in the transfer window flies in the face of the fact that their tight cunts. Jota n Andre had a bbq and didn't invite no fucker!



Ninja have produced the new Crispi air fryer, especially for chicken.

Let's hope they produce something for whites next.





I used to work on the taxis with a bloke called Phil Attery.......

He never left the rank.



After doing tests on me, the doctor said my alcohol was too high.

So, I've moved it to a lower shelf where I can reach it more easily.



If a man says something in the woods and there are no women around to hear him.........is he still wrong?




You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.




There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.Push and pull.



A teacher calls her first grade class from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?"
"I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally."
"Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie.
Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination.
If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."



What's the difference between red and green? Fuck all apparently if you're a cyclist.




You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Well I lost my job as a Gynecologist today.



A man went fishing and hadn't caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full!
The man is getting quite pissed off at this so decides to ask the vicar how he does it.
The vicar kindly tells him "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wife's legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!"
The man thinks this is a good idea so he goes home and sees the wife standing by the stove cooking dinner, he goes up to her, sticks his hand up her skirt and starts rubbing away.
The wife giggles and says "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?




Why did the Pie cross the road?

Because he was Meat n' Potato.



I met TV presenter Kate Humble today. When I asked her for an autograph, I was quite shocked when she said yes, but on the condition that I perform oral sex on her.
Needless to say, I was forced to eat humble pie.




How many tourette's sufferer's does it twat to cunt a lightbollocks?




What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He waits for that bus at the next stop.