What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Upon his request, I took my UFO conspiracy theorist friend to a midget themed gay bar

"No no no", he said, "I thought you said you were going to show me proof of little GREY men"



I went for a job at Chanel's perfume warehouse. I was scent packing.



I just called my mate, I said, "Going to be a bit late, pal. Need to drop the kids off at the swimming pool."

He said, "Use my toilet if you want."

I said, "Cheers buddy, but I think they've got their heart set on the swimming pool."




I finally watched that movie Brokeback Mountain.

Some of the dialogue was pretty good.

'Yippie KY, motherfucker...'




They made Brokeback Mountain required viewing at work in "diversity training," and two of the Welsh guys were none too impressed.

"Why are these two idiots bumming each other, when they have that whole fucking hillside filled with sheep to choose from ?"



My wife asked 'Do you ever think of any celebrities when we're having sex'?.

I said 'Yeah, Bradley Walsh. Any chance of some pushbacks'?.




I called my boss this morning and told him I wont be coming in as my car wont start.

He said "What about the bus?"

I replied "I don't own a bus."



My wife's always walking into things and getting hurt.

Earlier it was our bedroom while I was fucking her sister.




Hand grenade.

Presumably the inventors of all the other types of grenade were killed during testing.



If Minnie Driver married Alice Cooper,

Her name would be Minnie Furnier.




A little old lady goes into a lesbian bar and says, "Sherry, please - sweet one."

The barmaid replies, "Coming right up - ducky."



That awkward moment when you realize the moment is not awkward




I was at the farmer's market the other day and a guy came up to me and tried to sell me a bag of horse manure, so I told him to fuck off.

I don't take shit from anybody.




My best friend said he didn't know what was worse, the fact that his girlfriend text him saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text him back “sorry wrong number.”




The doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired.
at her next checkup the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
as the young doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wider as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills, Mrs. smith do you realize these are birth control pills.
yes, they help me sleep at night Mrs. smith I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could help you sleep. she reached out and patted the young doctor's knee
yes, dear I know that but every morning I grind one up and mix in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks and believe me it helps me sleep at night



I said to my mate, "If my wife completes this 24 hour silence she'll raise 5 grand for charity."

He said, "Wow, she must have quite a few sponsors."

I said, "No, just me."




One of our mates, Benjamin, announced to us last night that he's decided to have a sex change.

He didn't look very pleased, when trying to be supportive, I suggested he call himself 'Ben-Hur'.




My wife found lipstick in my jacket's pocket the other day, so I told her I was cheating.

There's no way I'm telling her I sell Avon.



Since the Romans have been using that 'No More Nails' my hands and feet have been as smooth as a babies arse.



What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide belt?

Nothing, they both try to cause as much damage as possible when triggered.



I was Watching My Neighbor Masturbate last night with my telescope.

I couldn't see it that well, I now wish I hadn't lent it to her



"OK kids, can you give me a famous historical event?"

"Please miss, our electric bill last year for £876.43." Said little Johnny.

"How's that connected to a historical event Johnny?" Asked the teacher.

"Easy miss, " replied Johnny, "The charge of the fucking light brigade."




I phoned my boss this morning to tell I was too ill to come in to work.

"I've got a a little bit of a cough, Frazer. I don't think I'll be able to come in today." I said.

"You have a wee cough?" He asked.

"Nice one boss." I replied



At breakfast this morning, my wife told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #Brown



A lorry driver was driving down the road and he sees a hitchhiker and picks him up. They were going down the road talking, when the hitchhiker notices a small monkey sitting quietly on the dashboard.
He asks the lorry driver, " why the monkey?"
With that the lorry driver smashes his fist into the side of the monkeys head knocking him off the dash board across the cab and onto the floor. The monkey climbs up and unzips the drivers pants and goes to town on him.
A few minutes later the monkey zips up the drivers trousers and sits back on the dash.
The hitchhiker said "Wow, that is amazing I have never seen anything like that."
The driver says " Do you want to try it?"
The hitchhiker said "Yes, But don't hit me as hard as you hit the monkey!"




A man went into the chemist’s shop and said ‘Have you got anything for laryngitis?’.

The chemist said ‘Good morning sir. How can I help you ?’




A librarian knocked on my door last night and asked to borrow a book on irony.




Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese didn't invent custard.




My Psychiatrist reckons I have an obsession with vengeance.

We'll see about that



Ugly woman: "Do you sell viagra ?"
Chemist: "We do."
Ugly woman: "Can you give it to me over the counter?"
Chemist: " If I take two, probably."


Our local rabbi is doing cheap circumcisions.....apparently it's a rip off.




I've started a business with my best mate, Dave selling ready made spliffs.

It's a joint venture.



A middle aged frumpy married couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful leggy busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price, " said the man, "I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on the model.

"Well, she had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist. " replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the middle aged couple and gave them the keys.

"There you go, " she said, "I told you I would get the prick to reduce it. See you later dad. "



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!



My new girlfriend was giving me a blow job the other night and she looked up at me and said "if you were a gentleman you wouldn't make me do this".
I replied "if you were a lady, you wouldn't speak with your mouth full"!



I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.




I know I've been bald for years but I've kept all my combs.

I just can't part with them.

[Bikkie]

What kind of sex do dogs have?

Ruff




John Cleese still needs to work aged 85 because he 'doesn’t have much money.'

All the assault and bullying compensation paid out to Manuel must have cleaned him out




My neighbour used to sell pirate films at car boot sales.

Treasure island, The Buccaneer, Hook, Blackbeard



Three friends married women from different parts of the world....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
I was the third man I married Margaret from Rochdale. I ordered her
to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day I didn't see anything, the
second day I didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down, and I could see out of my left eye and my arm was healed enough
so that I could fix myself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. I still have some
difficulty when go for a piss though.

Credit to original author.




Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out ofit.
He phones the police and says, Bejesas l've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? "
Paddy says, "Nol tink it's beef"





Michael Palin "held of gunpoint" while filming a new documentary, reports The Independent

I told him they wouldn't find "The Life of Muhammad" particularly funny




You know you're staying somewhere nice, when the toilet roll's thicker than the one you buy.




David Lammy is now in charge of MI5. There's a Bond remake begging to be made:

On her Majesty's Secret Cervix.




What is white and takes no shit?

A blocked toilet.




I had sex while camping.

It was intents.



Now I've got my exam results, my careers teacher asked me what job I planned to get.
I told her, "I'm going to join a troupe of male strippers."
She warned me, "If you work in THAT business, you'll see things you've never imagined."
And she was right - the first time we performed, I saw her in the front row of the audience.



Why can't Steve Wonder see his kids?

Because he's married.



What's wet and stinks of piss?

Fosters.



My parents just admitted to me that the night I was conceived they were both drunk on Australian beer.

It's not nice finding out you're a Fosters child.



What's the difference between Will Smith and Scotland?

Independence day.




We have a Muslim co-worker that always is late for everything.

We call him 9-12.



A man walks into the library and asks for a book on schizophrenia.

The librarian says, "We only have one and they're both out at the moment."




It's my black stepsons birthday tomorrow so I've left him an extra tenner in my coat pocket.



My wife said nothing would make her happier than diamonds for her birthday.

So I got her nothing.




Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned into a field.



Why did the blind woman fall down the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.




What do you call 2 blokes that live in your window?

Kurt and Rod.



What do you call an Irishman that breaks up fights?

Liam Malone.




My son asked me today, whats the difference between a crow and a blackbird?

i told him, crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.

a blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a big arse!




Parker Brothers have just released a new board game for muslims called 'Atrocity'.

It's just like Monopoly except you start WITH the buildings on the board.



Had a waterfight with the kids outside. I won.

No one's a match for me and my kettle.




I've just been diagnosed with agoraphobia.

Get in!



For years I've been investing in companies that develop better forms of contraception.

My friends think I should just pull out.



My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

[Bikkie]

I was about to board my ryan air flight and the guy doing the boarding said ' 21 to the rear must go via the back door" I said to him "fuck that, I am only flying back to Dublin to see my.mother"




Got arrested for running someone over and during questioning I told the cop "I didn't see him".

The police says "was it dark"?

I reply "Yes he was".



Prince Harry meets his father...followed by a visit to King Charles.

For details of their private talks, read Spare part 2, as edited by Meghan



Just learned from a colleague that Seasame Street characters like Elmo have their own official Instagram/social media pages.

Now how the fuck can I find Miss Piggy's OnlyFans?



After 50 years of record collecting, I just realized that 33 + 45 = 78.



Roger Waters complained that Ozzy Osbourne was too theatrical.

This from the guy who once toured with a 40-foot inflatable pig: His wife.



What a humiliating way for Don Jr. and Eric Trump to find out that their dad gives out birthday cards.



I say two black kids today arguing over whose dad could win in a fight.

And two white kids arguing over who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman.

No matter what colour they are, kids are just the same deep down, arguing over who would win in a fight between two fictional characters.




Prince Andrew: "If only there is was some other prominent, upper-establishment arsehole creep to take the heat off me"


Peter Mandelson: "Hold my beer"




Initial research suggests that at least 35% of people bite their nails.

But that might not even be scratching the surface.

[Bikkie]

They are rebooting the 'Back to the Future' movie franchise.

Another old relic of a car has been chosen for the time travel.

A CyberTruck.




I had a Japanese once tell me that "Sumo is his country's national sport"

You should have seen the look of horror on his face when I told him the Americans are starting to get into the game.



Donald Trump claims to be teetotal, but everywhere he goes nowadays he seems to be getting boos.



"G-g-g-granville , fer-fer fetch yer cloth"

Great line to repeat from Open All Hours

Not so good as you're spunking on the Mrs




Did you hear about the Mexican racist?

He joined the que que que.



A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian."

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! ..........Er....How many is a brazilian?"



The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when they hear the word 'Facial'.




Mark Spitz.

But Tom Swallows.




Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

I guess you've never been hit with a dictionary.



Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, your a mile away and u have their shoes.



It's all fun and games until Grandpa has a flashback during Battleship.




Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.



Never hit a man with glasses.

Hit him with a baseball bat.



My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.



What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta.




What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Philippe Philloppe.



Where do watermelons go on holiday?

John Cougar Mellencamp.




As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine.

As I got older I realized it was just a phase.



All women have a good side.

It's the one with the tits and cunt on it.




A teacher asks his pupils, "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?"
Little Johnny puts his hand up. "One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments."
"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher.
"And the other?" "Your mum's a cunt."



What's the biggest difference between a man and a woman?

Shit only comes out one end of a man.



I tried to run a sperm bank.

But nobody gave a toss.




Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

Elephants never forget.



Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly. Cows go "moo!"



Which flower talks the most?

Tulips, of course, because they have two lips!



Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

Wow, I didn't know you could yodel!




Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!



I've just cooked chicken and chips for the family.

But my 6 year old daughter is devastated.

To be fair, she fucking loved those kittens.



What do you call a Muslim at a peace rally?

Lost.




Winston is sitting in front of the TV picking his nose. Mum walks in from the kitchen and yells "stop doing that"...Winston says "but all the kids at school do it"...mum says "not with a fucking spoon



What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a Superhero & Iron Woman is a simple instruction..



I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today, can't believe it.
Apparently finishing off on her face didn't mean what I thought it did.




An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'




What's the difference between a Jew and a wending machine? Vending machines give you your change back.




I'm going to start selling 'Don't worry, I don't want to fuck you' T-Shirts for men so that women don't have to wear Burkahs.




Sure, white people can't say "nigger"

But at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."



I've invented a glass coffin, but I don't know if it will catch on.

Remains to be seen.




If men are dogs, are women bitches?

[Bikkie]

White Australians have a cheek to complain about immigration.

They're only Australian because their Grandad stole a loaf of bread 200 years ago.




In a discount store yesterday, guy checking best before date of heavily reduced dog food...


"So glad my dog can't read, " I said.



They're making the Halloween Party at work LGBTQ-friendly again this year, and I'll be absenting myself.

Last year instead of bobbing for apples, they had bobbing for dick.