What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

She said: "If you have a condom, I'd
have sex with you, but if you haven't,
I can't because it would be like having
sex with everyone you've ever done
it with."
I replied: "I have a condom, but by your
criteria, I don't think I need one "


" I wish you'd try and see the good in
people "

Said my wife.

"I do!" I replied. "believe me, I'm
still fucking trying."


I've just realised this morning what
that blob on the end of a condom is
for.
It's for putting your foot on when
You've taking it off.


'Clubbing' It means going out to a place
with loud music, and alcohol, to pick up
someone to fuck if you'd a white
person.
But to blacks, it's something you do to
someone before robbing them if you
haven't got a knife or gun handy.


Some dirty bastard has stolen my wife's
knickers.
I expect they'll be returned pretty sharpish
though as she was in them at the time.


I drank 15 pints of Guinness then rushed
to the toilet to explode my bowels whilst
in the capital of Colombia.
Bogota?

Yeah, it was a right fucking mess.


I was in Whitcoulls today and I
asked the shop assistant if she
kept stationary.
"No I move around a lot."
Was her reply.


A woman came up to me in the
Gym and asked if I knew which
exercises would help her lose
weight.
I said, "Try shaking your head
from side to side."
She replied, "How often should I
do that?"
I remarked, "Every time someone
offers you food "


My woke friend died.
Do they still need a wake?

[Bikkie]

I've worked for years as a lookalike for Prince Andrew. Now I'm fucked. I've had to take a job in Pizza Express




I've just joined a Wet Wet Wet tribute band. We're called Shit Shit Shit




Andrew has been demoted from a job of doing fuck all to a position of doing fuck all.



The Andy formerly known as Randy




Thomas the Tank Engine was chugging along one fine day when he heard commotion in the carriages he was pulling. And he thought, "Fucking niggers."




This black guy at work got upset and demanded to know why I never call him mate, like I do the white guys.... "Just relax, Primate."



Jim at work surprised us today and told us he's going in for a sex-change.... "Surely you can't be serious ?" I said.... "I am, and please call me Shirley"

[Piper]

Meghan Markle set for first return to acting
in eight years with role in comedy movie.....
and she'll play HERSELF
After Whoopi Goldberg turned down the
role,


I don't know if this a

SCAM

but I just received a text
saying

I'd won $500 cash
or tickets to
an Elvis tribute night.It
says PRESS
1 for the MONEY
or
2 for the SHOW.....


A dwarf was drinking in a
bar, when a sexy blonde
walked up to him and
said, "I've always wanted
to have sex with a little
person."
The dwarf replied "I'm
sorry, but I've had Women
say that before, then I
go home with them and
the husband or boyfriend
finds out and I get beaten
up."
"It's ok," said the woman.
"my husband is working
away until next week."
So, against his better
judgement he goes back
with the woman.
They start having amazing
sex, when suddenly the
front door opens.
"Shit, it's my husband"
she said. "Quick, hang out
of the bedroom window
and when he goes for a
shower, you can climb in
and get away!"
So the dwarf climbs out of
the window and hangs on
the ledge by his fingertips.
The husband comes in the
bedroom, says "It's cold in
here!" Slams the window
shut and the dwarf
plummets to the ground.
The woman is distraught
and calls an ambulance .
A couple of days later she
goes to visit the dwarf in
hospital.
"How are you?" she asked.
"Well my fingers are broken.
I've got two broken ankles, a
dislocated hip, and severe
concussion," he said.
"Oh dear!" she said, "Still,
it could have been much
worse."
"Much worse?!"said the dwarf.
"How do you figure that out?"
"Well", she said, "you're
lucky that I live in a
bungalow."

[Piper]

What's the difference between Judd Trump and
Donald trump?
Judd Trump pots a lot of balls.


Telling a woman to calm down works
as well as trying to baptize a cat.


I'm starting a Christian swingers group: Come
all Ye faithful.


After years of trying and falling, my
gay-trans son is finally convinced he
has something to audition with for
BGT that's sure to get him through... let's
see them dare say no to my rousing rendition of
"When a Man Becomes a woman".


This tranny got mad at work and said
that I outed "her" in a big conference
with another company.
"Uh, no, that lantern jaw and chestnut
in your Yoga pants did that for you all
by yourself."

[Bikkie]

."I was on the 'weight watchers' web site. I disabled the 'cookies' because they were making me hungry.




I had a phone call to say my sister had just given birth. So I asked if it was a girl or boy. They said it was a them their or they!




Just found out that cows produce more milk if the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.



Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.



Some years ago my wife was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and I got a call from Chris Tarrant saying "Your wife is going for £500,000 and you as the lifeline can help get her there"... My wife started, "In the Bible, who was the husband of Queen Esther ?"; I instantly responded, "Ahasuerus"..... Just before the fat thick bitch lost almost everything she said to me on the phone, "No, it can't be that one, I definitely don't think she was married to a dinosaur."



Imagining the end of Fast & Furious 7 with Clarkson and Quentin Wilson ..


Fuck me, at this rate Tom Cruise will come out before Grand Theft Auto VI.




My grand-niece was visiting and she said "Grandpa, do you want to be in a video ?.... No, not that kind of video, this one's just going on Youtube."..... "Right, I'll put my clothes back on."



After years of trying and failing, my gay-trans son is finally convinced he has something to audition with for BGT that's sure to get him through.... let's see them dare say no to my rousing rendition of "When a Man Becomes a Woman."




When you understand the old adage: “suck it & see”, you’ll know why so many poofs & scrubbers get to the top in politics, tv & the arts.