What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

When my wife said she was going
to give up chocolate for Lent this
year, I said she'd never be able to
do it
"I was right," I laughed to myself,
as I was coming home two days
later this black guy was climbing
like a monkey right out of our
bedroom window.


He asked why the house isn't
clean since I'm home all day.
I asked why we Aren't rich, since
he works at day.


I said, "It's not about how many
times you fall, it's about how
many times you get up "
"That's not how sobriety tests
work," replied the cop.


"Ok John. Solve the final
puzzle on tonight's Wheel
of Fortune for $40,000.
You have the letters w-n-
soc. Your clue is, textile
or cloth mounted in an
elevated position."
"I think it's wank sock."
*audience gasps*
"Oh John, I'm sorry-the
correct answer is wind
sock."


Before proposing to my
Chav girlfriend, I asked
her dad for permission.
"Sir, I want to marry your
daughter."
"Can you support a family?"
"Yes sir."
"Good. There's nine of us."


Quinton Crisp told me his
boyfriend Ducky Dennis is
an arsonist.
Apparently, he always leaves
Quintin with a burning sensation.


I so do miss the guys who used
to come into the pub selling
seafood.
I like looking at a man with big
mussels.
Ooooooh.


We were once at a Fancy Dress
party and my wife had been overdoing
it so badly with that fake orange tan, that
this college-age girl directly confronted her
and said that she was doing cultural-appropriation
and "reface as an Apache!
The last straw was when my wife loudly said
she was going to the ladies room to put on
more war paint .


Whilst staying in China we decided to go watch
a movie
Turns out I was looking at the menu not the
film list.


The Mrs said the plumber was coming out
tomorrow.
Fucking poof.


This snotty woman was watching my dog
have a dump.
"I hope you pick up the dog shit," she snapped.
"No love", I answered,
"You're not my type."


Diarrhea Awareness week next week.
Starts Monday, runs till Friday.


I always know when my girlfriend has
had an orgasm, in fact I am confident.
It's the look on her face when she comes
home...


Excuse me, where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger
dolls in this store?
"Aisle B, back "


Why is it called an iPhone?
It really should be called
an earphone!


"Tonight, I'll do anything
you want," winked my wife.
"But only tonight!"
Crafty bitch.
It was 11.59

[Bikkie]

Teacher: "Who can tell me what's best for getting rid of blackheads?" Pupil: "The Ku-Klux-Klan, Miss?"



Fancy dinner with Harry and Meghan? It's yours for $100,000. I'd be wanting a blowjob and anal at that price.