What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

When my wife said she was going
to give up chocolate for Lent this
year, I said she'd never be able to
do it
"I was right," I laughed to myself,
as I was coming home two days
later this black guy was climbing
like a monkey right out of our
bedroom window.


He asked why the house isn't
clean since I'm home all day.
I asked why we Aren't rich, since
he works at day.


I said, "It's not about how many
times you fall, it's about how
many times you get up "
"That's not how sobriety tests
work," replied the cop.


"Ok John. Solve the final
puzzle on tonight's Wheel
of Fortune for $40,000.
You have the letters w-n-
soc. Your clue is, textile
or cloth mounted in an
elevated position."
"I think it's wank sock."
*audience gasps*
"Oh John, I'm sorry-the
correct answer is wind
sock."


Before proposing to my
Chav girlfriend, I asked
her dad for permission.
"Sir, I want to marry your
daughter."
"Can you support a family?"
"Yes sir."
"Good. There's nine of us."


Quinton Crisp told me his
boyfriend Ducky Dennis is
an arsonist.
Apparently, he always leaves
Quintin with a burning sensation.


I so do miss the guys who used
to come into the pub selling
seafood.
I like looking at a man with big
mussels.
Ooooooh.


We were once at a Fancy Dress
party and my wife had been overdoing
it so badly with that fake orange tan, that
this college-age girl directly confronted her
and said that she was doing cultural-appropriation
and "reface as an Apache!
The last straw was when my wife loudly said
she was going to the ladies room to put on
more war paint .


Whilst staying in China we decided to go watch
a movie
Turns out I was looking at the menu not the
film list.


The Mrs said the plumber was coming out
tomorrow.
Fucking poof.


This snotty woman was watching my dog
have a dump.
"I hope you pick up the dog shit," she snapped.
"No love", I answered,
"You're not my type."


Diarrhea Awareness week next week.
Starts Monday, runs till Friday.


I always know when my girlfriend has
had an orgasm, in fact I am confident.
It's the look on her face when she comes
home...


Excuse me, where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger
dolls in this store?
"Aisle B, back "


Why is it called an iPhone?
It really should be called
an earphone!


"Tonight, I'll do anything
you want," winked my wife.
"But only tonight!"
Crafty bitch.
It was 11.59

[Bikkie]

Teacher: "Who can tell me what's best for getting rid of blackheads?" Pupil: "The Ku-Klux-Klan, Miss?"



Fancy dinner with Harry and Meghan? It's yours for $100,000. I'd be wanting a blowjob and anal at that price.



Michelle Agyemang beat off Luke Littler and Llando Norris. Keen skier is she ?

[Bikkie]

What is Afghanistan's national sport?
Rock Throwing.

Just In CNN Fake News
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.




It's that special time of the year, where everyone is talking about and searching for that mysterious man who flies through the skies, visiting children from all over the world - Jeffrey Epstein.



The Archewell Foundation – yesterday rebranded as Archewell Philanthropies – recorded total expenses of $5.1 million, while taking in donations of $2.1 million.

Those limos and private jets don't come free.

[Bikkie]

What do you call 2 robbers
A pair of knickers!


TikTok is a great app for you and your friends to enjoy, dance the night away on the app.



Nigel Farage claims that one in three Glasgow schoolchildren can't speak English fluently.

The other two are immigrants.



China are number 1 at solving Rubik's cubes. Unsurprising. They have a long history of separating colours.



I do have to say, I did find the headline in the Sun Newspaper announcing the death of singer Chris Rea was slightly insensitive

"Die Rea" is just not on.



I woke my girlfriend in the middle of the night and told her I was stressed and that only a blowjob would help...
She said, “Where are you going to find a cock to suck at three o’clock in the morning?







Why was the single lady in pain when she decorated her house for Christmas?

She put the tree up herself.




Why don't gay men win on Play Your Cards Right?

Because they also go "Hiya"




Why do delivery drivers have stinky fingers?

Because everybody seems to have a ring doorbell these days

[Piper]

My grandma knitted me a jumper for
Christmas, it had one sleeve longer
than the other, the middle but was
small, it didn't go over my belly, it
was pink and it said "White lives matter"
on the front.
I said, "I can't wear that, it's pink."


It's getting dark at 4pm, pissing down
with rain it's beginning to look a bit like
Christmas....


My love interest told me she's had
enough of my CB obsession and is
refusing to take my calls.
I think it's over, over.


Don't believe what you see in the cartoons.
No matter how hard you throw a wet toilet
plunger, it won't stick to someone's face.
Ask my angry wife if you don't believe me


Women are stronger than man.
They can be self- sufficient when it
comes to being unhappy
Whilst men need a woman for that.

( Herman Finkers )


My friend was going on a date and
asked me for recommendations for
places to eat
I said, "Well your choices are either
the vagina or the arsehole, I'd go for
whichever smells better down there."


I was in for my prostate exam and
it was going in deeper, deeper, deeper
than normal....then I realised, that the
doctor had both of his fucking hands
on my shoulders.


Well, that's Christmas ruined.
I've just seen on wikileaks what
my parents have got me.

[Piper]

"It is better to give than to receive*
Just as fucking well if your delivery
company is Evri.


I don't know anyone is surprised
at the amount of male Muslims
moving to the UK illegally.
Forced entry is very much
in keeping with their culture.


FBI demanded Andrew come
clean over a relationship with
second millionaire sex offender.
They do have a way with words,
don't they?


Chris Rea: "Fool if you think is over."
It is now.


A country is like a woman...

It loses its value and appeal
when just anyone is allowed
to enter it...

And it's filter and filter the more
pakis it's had in it...


I think Alex has probably been
told to fuck off and called a cunt
more than anything else in the
world.


Experts have recently pinpointed
the reason for the declining birth
rate in the country...lack of
communication between couples,
some of them even resorting to
texting instead of speaking to
each other.


Her..."Is it in yet?"

Him..."No, not yet"

Her..."Get a move on and
put it in now."

Him...fiddles around for a
bit..."Ok, it's in, now what?"

Her..."God give me strength!
set the temperature to 200
Celsius and the timer to
ninety minutes.. I don't want
the chicken burnt again "


Day 286 without sex.
Went jogging in flip flops
just to remember the
sound.


I've been trying to buy my
kids a pet, but you try
asking the girls in the
pet shop to look at their
puppies and before you
know it you're on the sex
offenders register


What do Australians do
when the road to the
brothel is blocked?
Find another root.


What nationality were
Adam and Eve?
Soviet, of course.
Who else would walk
around barefoot and naked,
have an apple to share between
them, and think they were in
Paradise.


I refuse to put money in the
collecting tins for the blind.
It's not as though they are
going to see any of the
money.


Roses are red
Violets are pink
It's period week
So one up the stink .


I went to a fancy dress
party dressed as a loaf
of bread.
The birds were all over
me.


Feminists. If you hate men
so much, why do you look,
dress and act like us?


Driving Fast and Furious?
That's Ludacris.


I went down to the supermarket
and asked if they still do home
deliveries.
They said they do and would I
like one?
Yes please I replied, my wife's
waters have broken and there
aren't any fucking ambulances.


People who think there's no
difference between taking kids
to Pride Parades and taking them
to Pantomimes, need the nuance
of the warning "He's behind you!"
explained to them.


I went to a Christening the other
day and the priest said, "There was
a car in the bible.
Apparently all the disciples were in
one accord.


In 1986 Jermaine Stewart sang
"We don't have to take our clothes off."
Should've heeded his own advice, he
might still be around.


A man's penis is like a Christmas tree.
In his 20's it's like an oak tree, mighty
and hard.
In his 30's and 40's it's like birch, flexible
but reliable.
After his 50's it's dead from the root up,
and the balls are just for decoration.

[Bikkie]

Santa, the only bloke who can empty his sack in many kids bedrooms and get away with it.




I just loved the British version of Home Alone 2. Jamie Bulger is a far better actor than MacAuley Culkin!




I can identify with the shepherds in the Bible who were sore afraid at Christmas. I've had o dose myself.





Apparently before his misunderstanding in water street in Liverpool, Paul Doyle was well liked by friends. One was quoted as saying he was a lovely man who would drop anything to help people.

Including the clutch





the great xmas hits singers George Michael, Kirsty McColl, Shane Mcgowan and now Chris Rea all died at xmas. Dont worry, Cliff Richard, you've never had a great fucking xmas song.



Boxing day today.

I fancy my chances against Grandma.





Christmas wouldn’t be the same without the turkey, a fruit cake and some nuts - but enough about the relatives ......

[Bikkie]

You know you're onto a hard woman when you ask her for a blowjob and she says, "No I'm too tired, just cum in a glass, and I will swallow it in the morning."



A girl was granted 2 wishes, 1st she asked for bigger tits, she instantly grew a perfect 38DD,
Then she asked for a really tight cunt.
She'll probably ring you later.



What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs?
A clit round the ear and a flap in the face.



A wife comes home to find her husband shagging a midget.
"You promised you wouldn't cheat on me again," "Calm down", he replies, "Can't you see I'm trying to cut down."



My wife hasn't talked to me for six months.
I considered leaving, but woman like that is hard to find.



My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh,
If you put your ear up to it, you can actually smell the ocean.



Old sailor fucking hooker asks how he's doing.
She replies, "You're doing 3 knots," he says, "3 knots?", "Yes you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back!"



There was a wee lassie from wick who said to her mum "What's a dick?" "I will tell you wee Annie, it goes in your fanny and jumps up and down until it's sick."



A man donated blood to save his Missus.
A year later they break up. He says, "give my blood back bitch."
She threw him a tampon and says,"Fuck you, I'll pay you back monthly."



Sex is like paintball.
You play hard for 30 minutes. get hot and sweaty and when it's over you're just glad you're not the one who got shot in the face!



Why did the good Lord give women thrush?.......To teach them how to live with an irritating cunt before they actually marry one!!



Uncle Bob see a sign in a shop, "Pies 50c, wanks $1."
He asks the girl behind the counter, "Are you the one who gives WANKS.?" "Yes", she says. "Will wash your FUCKING HANDS I want a pie."


A sexy girl says to her doctor, "My phone got stuck in my vagina on vibrate 3 days ago."
Doctor says, "Don't worry, I'll remove it."
The girl says, "No way, just recharge it."


Caught my missus cheating with tall black sleek sati Styer under her control.
Then she asked me for batteries.



99% of all homosexuals and lesbians use their thumb to check messages.
It's too late Queer don't try and switch fingers now.



Today it's cool to have small cars and mobiles, soon
day will come when a small penis will be in fashion and You my friend will be a Fucking LEGEND!!



My missus said I couldn't multitask today, so I proved he wrong??
Pissing while getting a blowjob probably wasn't the best way to do it!



Some bird was giving me a blowjob the other day when suddenly she stuck her finger up my arse!
Women, eh? they will do anything to get a ring on their finger.



A report out today says 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems!
Looking at 49% of women over 40, it's not fucking difficult to see why...!



Rose are red, daffodils are golden, always have sex in the back of a Holden.
If you don't like it, or if you get bored, turn homosexual and root in a Ford,



Last night you came into my room, and sucked me until you were satisfied.
Tonight, I'm looking for you so I can bang you against the wall.
You bloody MOSQUITO!

[Piper]

The teacher asked the class to write
an essay about an unusual event that
happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began "My daddy fell in a well last
week"
"Good grief!" the teacher explained.
"Is he ok?"
"He must be." said little Johnny
"He stopped calling for help
yesterday."


Bruce Lee was fast. But his brother
Sudden Lee was faster.


As I say there, tapping my feet, swaying
slightly from side to side and snapping
my fingers to the beat.
"All those different beats"
I said "those sudden changes in intensity
and speed, so exciting so moving, so
invigorating at times, yet relaxing at other
times, it's just fucking great."
"Ah yes" replied the doctor as he snatched
the stethoscope back. "I need to talk to you
about that quite urgently."


"Come on Alan" by Tex's Midnight Bummers.


Quintin and I sat down and ordered a couple
of burgers.
"Battered rings?" asked the waitress.
"Only his" I replied.


I was just making a comment on someone's
KFC joke and a thought came to me.
If chicken had black meat instead of white
would hens be twice as large or would it
only be cocks?


I met a female TV presenter.
I told her to bend over and
present.


I whispered in her ear what I would like to
do to her and she said, "I'm getting ready
wet." "Turns you on does it?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."


What did the Muslim shepherd eat for
tea?
Islam.


Non alcoholic beer is like a vibrator
without batteries.
It fills you up, but lacks the
buzz!


I don't know about you but I wouldn't
want to be on a Japanese aircraft carrier
when their planes are coming in.


I started playing silent tennis recently.
It's like normal tennis, just without the
racquet.


I was flirting with this woman at the bar
last night. At one point I told her, "Believe
it or not, I have the most famous surname
in All of Ireland."
She smiled and replied, Oh really?"
"How the fuck did she guess that?"


Why is there no pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken came in a different box.


What's the difference between furniture and
Muslims?
We can relocate furniture.


I ordered some items from Wish last year
and they still haven't arrived.
They should change their name to
You Wish.


Kids nowadays have to be double-jabbed
to go clubbing.
I know girls who used to go clubbing to be
double-jabbed.


My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she
was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round
my ankles and my cock swinging that I
realised she wanted to rent out her
spare room.


This summer I've participated in some
'Eco-friendly water sports.
I paid an escort that had purple hair $200
to piss into my mouth.


Congratulations to UK supermarkets for
replacing the small amount of plastic that
used to hold 4-packs of beer together with
a lot of cardboard that doesn't.
This forces customers to buy a carrier bag,
contributing far more plastic waste to the
environment than at any point in history.
Great fucking job there.


I saw a gorgeous blonde fall off her bike, so
I went and made sure she was alright.
I couldn't believe it when she said, "I could
marry you."
I mean, you help someone and then they
threaten to ruin your life.


Who are the most optimistic people in the
people who eat Cadburys chocolate,
They're glass-snd-a half full.


I'm not boasting lads but for some reason
today all the hot chicks think I'm stunning.
In other news, I started my new job at the
KFC abattoir.


Boomers: "I can't believe I wore Bella bottoms!"

Gen-X: "I can't believe I wore my hair like that!"

Millennials: "I can't believe I was called Goth Emo!"

Gen-Z: "I can't believe I cut my dick off!"¹


My Ducky Dennis will soon be patroling the streets
of Brighton as a special constable.
He won't be allowed to pack a big truncheon.
However I will look forward to ironing his uniform
and and give a lot of attention when it comes to
polishing his helmet.
Ooooooh.


The worry for female athletes used to be: "Will
I be on my period during competition."
Now it's: "Will my balls pop out of these
skimpy shorts."


I just got an Uber or as your mum likes to call
it, a hard on.

Bad day at the ceramics factory.
A guy got fired.


If you had velcro shoe laces when you were a
kid. Be rest assured your parents gave up on
you at an early age.


Amazing fact: I just discovered. Not a joke but
I felt worth sharing.
Mating call of birds,

Owl-twit twit to woo.

Cuckoo's-cuckoo cuckoo

Blackbird -gwan Leroy
bang it up the shitter.


What do you call the authentication information
used to enter the Danger Zone?
Kenny Log-ins.


To any aunties out there that might be reading this:
It's seriously uncool to send your nephew a birthday
card with no money in it


I've always had an admiration for bands who name
themselves to suit their appearance.
Like Motley Cruel, The Specials and The Misfits.
Oh, and The Floaters...

[Bikkie]

If a male has a sex change to become a woman and then her preferences and notes on a dating site are looking for well hung men, why the fuck did you get rid of your own in the first place




Don't know why people are moaning about king Charles Christmas speech " Be like your neighbours, do unto others " best advice in a long time. Bit of grooming got Mohammeds 4 year old daughter in the bedroom. She taught me a few new positions they don't show you in the kama sutra.
Called in on the goldburgs, Jacob sold me a semetic card it's way better than the nigger race card. When the bill arrives now due " Now Jew, NOW JEW whhaa whaa that's what Nazis said, whaaa whaa hate crime."
I was sold Jacob said " nigger and a Jew in fight when the police turn up who gets shot?"
Plus you get the buy 2 get 1 Jew only Discount.
Normal chit chat with a few other neighbours, suddenly went off like a BLM protest group had all been offered employment.
Looters striped Leroy's house everything in it was returned to its owner.





When Katie Price first heard the name Willi Prada, she no doubt thought its down to too many penis's up the cervix.



Is watching a porno with a ladyboy and a woman considered lesbian sex? Or straight sex?

Asking for my boner.

[Piper]

I once went out with a Welsh girl
who had 36DD's.
What a totally unpronounceable
Sur name that was.


I was chatting to a proper MILF in
the pub yesterday.
"I'd love to see your big hairy
cunt", I said.
"Well today's your lucky day then,"
she replied
"Really!?" I said, getting excited.
"Yep. He's standing right behind
you "


In a library:

"I'm looking for a book in sexual innuendo."
"It'll be in soon"
"Yes, that's the one."


"Hello Mr Brown, come in "
"Thank you Doctor. This is
my beautiful wife. So, what's
the diagnosis?"
"You have erectile dysfunction"
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes I recommend a visit to
Specsavers."


My son asked me ,"Dad what
is Vulcanism?" I replied, "In
the original Star Trek, it's when
Captain Kirk and Dr McCoy gang
up on Spock and make racist jokes
about his ears."


I went to get my COVID jab and the
nurse asked if I was afraid of needles.
I said, "Don't worry it's not the first
time I've had a little prick inside me."


Never make Quinton Crisp the butt
of one of your jokes.


I can't believe this wanker has been
dissing the IRA
Once we've got him in the back of
the van, "what do you want us to do?"
"You know the drill."


My Dad always said never forget where
you came from.... that's why I've always
felt like a cock and a cunt all of my life....


Suppose you marry a widow who already
has a grown up daughter and your father
marries the widows grown up daughter.
Now the widows daughter becomes your
mother.
Since your mother's mother is your wife,
your wife is also your grandmother.
As the husband of your grandmother, you
become your own grandpa.
Sweet home, Alabama.


The girlfriend was wanking me and I
asked, "How are you so good at this?"
She replied, "Years of practice."
"A bit of a player in your day, were you?"
I laughed.
"No," she said, "I was born and raised in
Thailand."


Apparently mine and the wife's idea of
all black men being hung are totally
different.


What do you call a Korean paedophile?
Li Kim Young.


Two old fellas were talking about pain
and suffering some people encounted
during their lives:
"Have you ever been in REAL pain?"
One asks the other.
"Yep," he answers.
"I've been in REAL pain twice......I was
tramping through a forest and I needed
a crap-so I dropped my trousers to my
ankles and crouched in the undergrowth.
Right on top of a bloody gin trap!"
"Jeez!" exclaimed the other.
"Your experienced REAL pain alright.....
what was the second time?"
"When I reached the end of the chain!"


This rather large woman walked up to
me at the buffet, as I browsed the
treats.
"Mind if I take one of those doughnuts
just there?"
"Help yourself," I replied.
*Thanks," she smiled.
"No," I added, "I mean help yourself... and
don't have anymore fucking doughnuts."


Yesterday afternoon my neighbours
super-hot 16 year-old came knocking
at my door, "Hi Jessica, what's up?"
"Hi DG she replied, "Mum and Dad are
away for the weekend, I'm just starting
to realise I'm probably going to get a bit
bored on my own so just thinking of ways
to amuse myself.
I thought I might party, get wasted, perhaps
get laid," she looked me up and down seductively
and asked, "So what are you up to this weekend?"
I quickly blurted out that I had nothing planned.
Anyway, now I'm dog-sitting all weekend while
she's off getting stoned and screwed.


My daughter's black boyfriend started wearing
this enormous ridiculous chain as his "bling bling "
Amazingly I actually got the spearchucker to
quietly put it away and never wear again when
I asked him if like me he was nostalgic for the
"Good old Days"


My eight year old son was playing football in
the garden when he tripped over his own feet.
He screamed and thrashed about like he been
battered.
I was so proud, my son is going to be a premier
league player someday.


1st rule of business is to "know your customers."
This is why America has the widest entrances to
their shops than any other country.


I bumped into my old English teacher that I
fancied.
"What's new?" she asked.
I said, "An adjective."


New research shows porn gives young people
an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly
a plumber will come to your house.

[Piper]

At the vaccine clinic:
"Excuse me sir, but you don't look
over 70".
"I have a landline phone"
"Take a seat."


This woman with a short skirt, boobs
hanging out, and plastered with
makeup, asked me why I was staring
at her.
"Stop judging me," she said, "I know
you think I'm a whore, but actually
I'm full of class."
I said, "Love you have about as much
class as a science university in Essex."


The neighbours kept me up all night
because they were having sex in the
early hours of the morning.
I would've asked my wife to knock on
their door, but she was out playing
tennis with her friends...


My ex-wife was livid with me because
our young daughter was crying after
my one night of custody with her...
"What,?" I asked, "You told me she
loved watching that piggy thing."
"I meant Peppa pig, not fucking
Deliverance."


My girlfriend said she wanted a
puppy for her birthday, so I got
her one
The next morning she saw me
loading it into the back of my
car and said, "Hey, where are
you going?"
I said, "I'm sending him back."
"Sending him back" she yelled.
"Why?"
"I said, "It's not your birthday
anymore."


I got depressed when I lost my
job at the Apple factory.
"Have you been talking any tablets?"
asked the doctor.
"Yeah. Why do you think I got the
fucking sack?"


When I woke up from my operation
a nurse was leaning over me and said
"You may not feel anything from the
waist down."
"So I fondled her tits.


An annoying pensioner prick gets
bored in the hospital waiting room
so he starts asking people how old
people think he is, he starts with a
woman with her baby.
Annoying pensioner: "So how old do
ya think I am love?"
Mother: "I don't know your late sixties
maybe"
Annoying pensioner: "Nooooo I'm 83!*
the old man proceeds to annoy the
fuck out of many other people until
he comes across an old lady sat
knitting quietly.
Annoying pensioner: "Guess how old
I am!"
Old lady sticks her hand down his undies
and fondles his dick and balls for two
minutes and then finally says
"Are you 83?",."YEAH....how did you
figure it out!??"
"Well I overheard you say it to that woman
with her baby over there."


Do you know what Noah's wife was called?
Joan of Arc.


Apparently back in the day if you were short
of cash and needed bog paper you used the
old newspaper,
I once read about two pensioners having a
bit of nookie, they were in the 69 position, he
says to her, "Shame about what happened in
the war."
She says, "Why mention that now?", he says
"Because it's on this bit of newspaper stuck
to your arse"...


We had a motivational conference on zoom
for work yesterday and this chipper lady told
us, "Nothing is impossible!"
"That's not true," I instantly reported.
"My wife does absolutely nothing every
fucking day."


The wife just challenged me to an online
high-pitched sound hearing test
"The dogs are going mental but how can
you still hear something?" she asked.
"I'm a married man."
I replied, "We're used to whiny, drawn-out,
unpleasant screeching noises.'


Dave. What the fuck is that dog doing?!
I said teach him to fetch!!"
"Honey, don't be mad, I swear I heard
you say felch."


Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and
Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing
who they were going to play in their new
Hollywood blockbuster
The Great Composers.
"I wanna be Beethoven."
said Stallone
"I gotta be Mozart added Willis.
"What about you Arnie?" they asked...


I am amazed at radio DJs today.
I am firmly convinced that AM on
my radio stands for Absolute Moron
I will not begin to tell you what FM
stands for.


My father used to say
"Time is the best healer."
Great bloke, terrible A&E
consultant.


What's the difference between fudge
cake and an arsehole?
I can eat my granny's fudge cake.


Do I ever reminisce about being the
most successful patrol guard at the USL
Mexico border?
I never let a Dago by.

My girlfriend said to me when I picked her
up from work today. "When was the last time
you had sex with someone that wasn't me ?"
I said, "Before we met."
She smiled. "Aw really?"
"Yes," I replied, "About 20 minutes ago."

[Piper]

Teacher: "Johnny, why is your cat at school today?"
Johnny: " ( crying ) I heard the milkman tell mum. .
"When the kid goes to school, I'm gonna eat your pussy"
The cunt was Chinese, so I wasn't talking any fucking chances."


Man goes wife to the doctor's stating he has erection
troubles.
Doctor stares at wife for 10 minutes straight,then says
your ok mate, she doesn't get me hard either.


I answered the door this morning, and a 6-foot beetle
punched me in the face and called me a cunt!
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!!!


Medical breakthrough...The national blood unit is
now using chicken blood in blood transfusions.
It makes men more cocky and women easier
to lay.


What's the difference between a penis and
a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.


Bank robber takes hostages
He asks first man you see me
rob the bank?
Man says yes. He shoots
him dead.
Robber then asks the second
man, did you see me rob the
bank?
No, but my wife did.


Call chargers on your network
are changing.
The uglier you are the cheaper the
calls.
Your calls are now FREE.
I would ring but calls cost me
fucking fortune now.


Had a bloody crash this morning.
Hit a car up the arse.
Fella got out and he was a dwarf!
He said, "I'm not happy"...I said, "Well
which fucking one are you then?"


In my Biology exam today.
I was asked to name two
things commonly found
in cells.
Apparently Maori's and
coconuts is not the correct
answer!


I took my dog to the dole office
to see what he was entitled to.
Bloke behind the counter said
"We don't give benefits to dogs!"
I said, *Why not?
He's black smells he's never worked
he's has lots of bitches and he can't
speak English!
Bloke says, "Point taken".
His first payment is on Thursday.


The cops pull over a Maori driving a
black BMW.
Turns out he owned the car had a job
and no criminal record.
So they charged him with wasting
Police time


Found a Maori boy stuffed in my letterbox
this morning...I think some cunt is
blackmailing me!


I just made you open your phone for nothing.
It's great being in control and keeping your arse
in check!
Who my bitch? Your my bitch!!
Now close it!!


Man goes to a wizard and says, "Can you lift
a curse put on me years ago?"
"Maybe" says the Wizard.
"If you can remember the exact words of the
curse "
Man replies, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."


I'm going to watch my wedding video later
backwards...I love the end bit where I take
the ring off go back down the aisle jump in
the car and fuck off!


A recent survey has shown that one in three
women are just as fucking stupid as the
other two.


My mate reckons he always cries after sex.
I thought hel .
you big soft cunt!
Then I remembered...he is still in prison.


Paddy's in Japan on business.
The night before a golf game with his Jap
business partner, he decides to go to a brothel.
While on the job, the girl screams"Sung wa!
Sung wa!
He thinks this means "Very good! Very good!"
So hammers on, all proud!
e ?"The next day playing golf, the Japanese man
sinks a long putt.
Paddy wanting to impress. Yells "Sung wa!
Sung wa!" the Japanese man turns and replies
"What you mean... fucking wrong hole?"


In hindsight I should probably have written on Facebook I have blown the heat gasket on my 98 ford Escort rather than I have just fucked a 14 year old escort.The police still haven't seen that funny side of it and they have confiscated my laptop.
However the news isn't all bad, the wife has gone to stay with her mother.


Teacher asks the kids in class "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm,give her a Ferrari an apartment in Casablanca mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world a 200 foot yacht an infinite visa card and I wanna to screw her three times a day... The teacher in shock ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks "what about you dear?"
" I want to be Billy's bitch."


At the doctors the other day only to find that my regular GP have been replaced by a gorgeous female doctor. I was embarrassed but she said: "don't worry I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out thinking quickly I said: "my wife reckons my dick taste funny."


I ordered a sex-toy off the internet,a custom-made scale replica of my wife's vagina.On the day it was due to be delivered I set anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman.After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would have at least fucking wrapped it.

[Bikkie]

Girls Aloud star Nicola Roberts announces pregnancy in Christmas Day message.

Someone's been playing Knock Up Ginger...




GALILEO : Great mind!
EINSTEIN : Genius mind!
NEWTON : Extraordinary mind!
BILL GATES : Brilliant mind!
ME : Master mind!

YOU????never mind






Did Andrew Mountbatten Windsor miss out on a Knighthood?

Oh well. There's always next year




A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

[Piper]

I was sitting on the bus this morning when I noticed
the most beautiful young woman sitting next to me
was reading a book titled "Strange but true sexual
facts."
"Interesting?" I asked "Yes" she replies, "For instance,
did you know that the American Red Indian has the
longest penis in the world and an Irishman has the
thickest? Oh, I'm sorry " she continued, my name's
Helen and yours?" "Tonto O'Riley."


A teacher says "Ok class I'd like you all to tell me
what you need at home," Susie says "We need a
computer." Wendy says "We could do with a new car "
Little Johnny says "We don't need anything miss!"
Teacher says "Come on Johnny everyone needs
something?" "No Miss, my sister came home with
her new African boyfriend and my dad said that's all
we fucking need.


Truckie arrives at whorehouse in Kalgoorlie after being
on the road for three weeks, slaps $500 on the counter
and says "I'll have the ugliest bitch you have a burnt chop."
The madam says "Sir with that kind of money you could
have the hottest girl here and a 3 course dinner." Truckie
says "I'm not fucking horny just homesick."


My missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see
what the public reaction was like.
The first day she was punched, kicked spat on and received
death threats
Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves
the house.


Just went to Harvey Norman this morning I saw a midget
carrying a TV to his car I said, "Hey mate need some help
with that TV?" he said "Fuck off you arsehole it's an I-pad."


I met my new girlfriend's parents last night her dad
took me to one side and said "If you hurt you'll have me to
answer to.
I said "It's highly unlikely to happen as I've only got a small
cock and she has an arsehole like a hippos yawn..."