What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

I took a girl home last night, but when things
got passionate she pulled away, away saying
"I'm sorry, but last time I had sex it was like
the 100 metre final."
I laughed "Oh Yeah? All done in under 10 seconds?"
She said "No, eight black men and a gun."


I went to Bunnings the other day and asked the
assistant for some nails.
He asked me how long do I need them.
I said I wanted to keep them.


I said to the wife the other day,"You are
driving me to drink."
She replied, "I'm sorry I don't mean too "
I said, "No you are driving me to drink, grab
your keys let's go."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability
to guess what day a woman was born on just
by feeling her boobs, "Really" She said, "Go on
then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began
to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day
was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had
a shave and got your haircut, you'd look
alright."
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your
friends over there instead of you."


What is the difference between a Maori
and dog shit.
The dog shit turns white after awhile
and loses its smell.


I went to the doctor's office the other day
and found out that my new doctor is a
young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't
worry, I'm a professional --I've seen it
all before. Just tell me what's wrong
and I'll check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes
funny."


I was starting in a queue at the bank
behind a woman with a huge fat arse.
Suddenly her mobile started bleeping
and a little boy looked up and said, "Fuck
me-she's reversing."


Winston Singh, a half Indian and half
Maori kid, asks his mum, "Am I mostly
Black or am I mostly Indian?" "You're
just my son" the mother replies.
"But why ask such a question?"
"Well my mate is selling his bike for
$50 and I don't know weather to be
an Indian and haggle or just stab
the cunt and take it "


I don't judge people based on colour,
race, religion, sexuality, gender, ability
or size
I base it on weather or not they're
an arsehole.


Do you ever have the urge to tell someone
to shut the fuck up even when they aren't
talking?


SIGN ON ITALIAN BARBER SHOP READ:
"Haircuts while you wait!"


A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as it comes home, it rushes
and fucks all the 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the
rooster again Screws all 150 hens.
Farmer gets tense now.
Next day he finds the rooster fucking
the ducks and geese. Later, the farmer
finds the rooster pale, half-dead and
vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you
horny bastard;"
The rooster opens one eye, and says,
"Sshh They're about to land."


According to recent studies, blowjobs are
healthiest breakfast, as it comes with a
sausage, two nuts and a protein shot.
So do the women in your life a favour
and pass this message on so they stay
healthy....suck a dick and don't get sick.


Two eggs sitting in the fridge.
One says "Hey you ok buddy? Your all
green and hairy."
"That's because I'm a kiwifruit arsehole "


He nudged his wife in bed last night, and
whispered, "Did you know it's National Orgasm
Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away.
"Right in the middle of National Headache week."


My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you
fell in love?"
I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted
the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen.
Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said, "So what happened?"
I said, "Nothing. The cunt missed and hit
your mother."


Women are the only species known to man that
can defy the laws of gravity.....The more they weigh,
the easier they are to pickup.


A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds than man.

[Bikkie]

I love you lots like Jelly Tots.
But Not as Much as Vodka Shots!
But I'm your Friend until the end.
So, pass this onto your pisshead friends.
HAPPY NEW YEAR my friend.




New Year’s Day!

Or, as media companies call it: “Update year of death on our hundreds of books and news montages which are ready to roll the instant another celebrity dies” Day.





My missus wasn't best pleased with her christmas gift, and told me to put it where the sun don't shine...

So I've been in Scotland since christmas day.




I trust my wife completely.

I just double-check the tone first.



Idris Alba to be knighted after campaigning against knife crime.

Wait until he sees what he gets knighted with.




A woman goes to a photo studio and asks the photographer, “Does this camera help people look younger?”

The photographer says, “No, it just shows the truth faster.”




A guy goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticide. He holds up a box and asks the store manager, “Is this stuff good for beetles?”

The manager replies, “No, it’ll kill ’em.”




Friendship is so weird...you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.




How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!




What's the difference between kinky and perversion?
Kinky you use a feather and perversion you use the whole chicken.




What's red and bad for you if it gets stuck between your teeth?
A brick.



Kids know too much these days.
Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls immitating the doggy position, I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."
She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing her up the arse..."




I met a big fat girl in the pub last night and I said to her "Shit your a big girl aren't you?"
With a tear in her eye she said, "Tell me something I don't know."
So, I said, "Salad tastes nice!"




Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently "In high Definition" wasn't the correct answer.




I remember the first time I had sex, in fact I still have the receipt.



They had to get a translator in at the local Winz today.
Someone came in speaking English.



A few days ago, I saw a poor old lady fall over on the footpath.......at least I assume she was poor....she only had $1.20 in her purse.




Two cattle drovers were standing in an outback bar.
One asked, "What are Ya up to mate?: "Ahh, I'm taking a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie" "Oh yeah...and what route are you taking?"
"Ah, probably the Missus...after all, she stuck by me during the drought..."




When a woman says "What?"! Its because she's giving you a chance to change what you said.




A white trash woman is filling out a welfare form.
The form asks how many kids she has, she writes 10.
The form says state the names of each, she writes Cletus.
The woman at the desk asks why she wrote one name when she has 10 children.
The woman says, "They're all named cdeltus."
"How do you know which child will come when you call them?"
"That's easy, I just use their last names."




Nearly became a doctor......When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form me of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via text?...




Ioften tell women I'm old school, like a vinyl record.
If you want me to play nice, blow me.




A jogger slips on a dog turd and injures himself badly.
A passer by screams out "Someone call an ambulance, I'll put him in the faecal position!">




An old man was in a hospital bed. He leaned over to the hot young nurse attending to him and whispered, "Give us a kiss love," "No!" she replied. "Oh, go on he pleaded, "No!" she replied again. "Please, just a peck on the cheek" he begged. "For the last time, no! I shouldn't even be wanking you off!!."




Back in the day, William Shatner was engaged to Stevie Nicks, but she couldn't go through with it.
She wasn't too keen on being Stevie Shatner Nicks'





I accidentally ate some dog treats, they were quite tasty actually, but this stupid bitch next door complained to the Police when I was marking my territory outside her house.




A Crimewatch reconstruction is being made of the train attack on the Queen.

A teenage Camilla is still being sought , but Andrew says he'll play the baddie.

[Piper]

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how
useless men are.My wife said "They can't do two things at
once." I interrupted and said "Actually, I can."she
asked me to give her an example and I replied "Well while I was
sodomizing you last night I was thinking about your sister."


5 year old Tommy asked his mate Bobby what a penis was.
Bobby's response was that he didn't know and he said he'd ask his dad.
That evening Bobby asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his
son and holding his penis in one hand said, "Son this is a penis.
In fact, if you take a closer look you'll notice that it's a perfect penis."
The next day Bobby saw Tommy at recess and called him behind a hedge,
he exposed himself and whispered, "This is a penis.In fact, if it were three
inches shorter it would l be a perfect penis "


An outback hillbilly was in holiday at Bondi Beach
and couldn't seem to make it with any girls so
he asked a lifeguard for advice, "Mate it's obvious,
those baggy shorts are way out of date, they make
ya look old and lame.
Your best bet is to grab some Speedo's two sizes
too small and drop a fist sized potato inside them,
you'll have all the babes you want!".
The following day, the hillbilly hits the beach in his
skintight Speedo's complete with a fist sized potato.
As he strutted the beach, people covered their faces,
laughed and looked away, disgusted.
He confronts the lifeguard again and asks what is
wrong this time.
The lifeguard replies, "Maaate, the bloody potato
goes in the front!!".


What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
Not many people will pay $200 to have a lentil on their face


My wife told me she had got a tattoo of a mouse
on her inner thigh.
She pulls her skirt up higher, higher, "It's not there?!
"Oh pussy must've eaten it."


Pastor John Flaps see a lady church member getting
drunk in a pub.
He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up
on top of her. Landlord shouts "Oi mate you can't do
that in ere!"
Reverend replies, "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
Landlord says, "Oh well, if your that far in you may as well
finish."


I was asked who my favourite X-Men character was
Apparently Bruce Jenner was an inappropriate answer.


A teacher was working with a group of kids.
She had some lifesavers lollies, "Children, I'd like you to close
your eyes, taste and identify these "
They guessed the cherries, lemon and mint, but when the
teacher gave them the honey lifesavers, all of the kids were
stumped.
The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, It's something your mum
calls your dad all the time."
Little Johnny instantly spat his into the floor and shouted, "Quick
spit'em out! They're arseholes."


Customs took away my fortified wine.
I've been de-ported.


Kenny Loggins took five grams of coke
to go down on Katie price.
He took the highway to the danger zone.


I went for a job as a contortionist.
They said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well I can't do Thursdays.