What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

I took a girl home last night, but when things
got passionate she pulled away, away saying
"I'm sorry, but last time I had sex it was like
the 100 metre final."
I laughed "Oh Yeah? All done in under 10 seconds?"
She said "No, eight black men and a gun."


I went to Bunnings the other day and asked the
assistant for some nails.
He asked me how long do I need them.
I said I wanted to keep them.


I said to the wife the other day,"You are
driving me to drink."
She replied, "I'm sorry I don't mean too "
I said, "No you are driving me to drink, grab
your keys let's go."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability
to guess what day a woman was born on just
by feeling her boobs, "Really" She said, "Go on
then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began
to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day
was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had
a shave and got your haircut, you'd look
alright."
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your
friends over there instead of you."


What is the difference between a Maori
and dog shit.
The dog shit turns white after awhile
and loses its smell.


I went to the doctor's office the other day
and found out that my new doctor is a
young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't
worry, I'm a professional --I've seen it
all before. Just tell me what's wrong
and I'll check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes
funny."


I was starting in a queue at the bank
behind a woman with a huge fat arse.
Suddenly her mobile started bleeping
and a little boy looked up and said, "Fuck
me-she's reversing."


Winston Singh, a half Indian and half
Maori kid, asks his mum, "Am I mostly
Black or am I mostly Indian?" "You're
just my son" the mother replies.
"But why ask such a question?"
"Well my mate is selling his bike for
$50 and I don't know weather to be
an Indian and haggle or just stab
the cunt and take it "


I don't judge people based on colour,
race, religion, sexuality, gender, ability
or size
I base it on weather or not they're
an arsehole.


Do you ever have the urge to tell someone
to shut the fuck up even when they aren't
talking?


SIGN ON ITALIAN BARBER SHOP READ:
"Haircuts while you wait!"


A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as it comes home, it rushes
and fucks all the 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the
rooster again Screws all 150 hens.
Farmer gets tense now.
Next day he finds the rooster fucking
the ducks and geese. Later, the farmer
finds the rooster pale, half-dead and
vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you
horny bastard;"
The rooster opens one eye, and says,
"Sshh They're about to land."


According to recent studies, blowjobs are
healthiest breakfast, as it comes with a
sausage, two nuts and a protein shot.
So do the women in your life a favour
and pass this message on so they stay
healthy....suck a dick and don't get sick.


Two eggs sitting in the fridge.
One says "Hey you ok buddy? Your all
green and hairy."
"That's because I'm a kiwifruit arsehole "


He nudged his wife in bed last night, and
whispered, "Did you know it's National Orgasm
Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away.
"Right in the middle of National Headache week."


My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you
fell in love?"
I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted
the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen.
Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said, "So what happened?"
I said, "Nothing. The cunt missed and hit
your mother."


Women are the only species known to man that
can defy the laws of gravity.....The more they weigh,
the easier they are to pickup.


A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds than man.

[Bikkie]

I love you lots like Jelly Tots.
But Not as Much as Vodka Shots!
But I'm your Friend until the end.
So, pass this onto your pisshead friends.
HAPPY NEW YEAR my friend.




New Year’s Day!

Or, as media companies call it: “Update year of death on our hundreds of books and news montages which are ready to roll the instant another celebrity dies” Day.





My missus wasn't best pleased with her christmas gift, and told me to put it where the sun don't shine...

So I've been in Scotland since christmas day.




I trust my wife completely.

I just double-check the tone first.



Idris Alba to be knighted after campaigning against knife crime.

Wait until he sees what he gets knighted with.




A woman goes to a photo studio and asks the photographer, “Does this camera help people look younger?”

The photographer says, “No, it just shows the truth faster.”




A guy goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticide. He holds up a box and asks the store manager, “Is this stuff good for beetles?”

The manager replies, “No, it’ll kill ’em.”




Friendship is so weird...you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.




How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!




What's the difference between kinky and perversion?
Kinky you use a feather and perversion you use the whole chicken.




What's red and bad for you if it gets stuck between your teeth?
A brick.



Kids know too much these days.
Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls immitating the doggy position, I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."
She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing her up the arse..."




I met a big fat girl in the pub last night and I said to her "Shit your a big girl aren't you?"
With a tear in her eye she said, "Tell me something I don't know."
So, I said, "Salad tastes nice!"




Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently "In high Definition" wasn't the correct answer.




I remember the first time I had sex, in fact I still have the receipt.



They had to get a translator in at the local Winz today.
Someone came in speaking English.



A few days ago, I saw a poor old lady fall over on the footpath.......at least I assume she was poor....she only had $1.20 in her purse.




Two cattle drovers were standing in an outback bar.
One asked, "What are Ya up to mate?: "Ahh, I'm taking a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie" "Oh yeah...and what route are you taking?"
"Ah, probably the Missus...after all, she stuck by me during the drought..."




When a woman says "What?"! Its because she's giving you a chance to change what you said.




A white trash woman is filling out a welfare form.
The form asks how many kids she has, she writes 10.
The form says state the names of each, she writes Cletus.
The woman at the desk asks why she wrote one name when she has 10 children.
The woman says, "They're all named cdeltus."
"How do you know which child will come when you call them?"
"That's easy, I just use their last names."




Nearly became a doctor......When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form me of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via text?...




Ioften tell women I'm old school, like a vinyl record.
If you want me to play nice, blow me.




A jogger slips on a dog turd and injures himself badly.
A passer by screams out "Someone call an ambulance, I'll put him in the faecal position!">




An old man was in a hospital bed. He leaned over to the hot young nurse attending to him and whispered, "Give us a kiss love," "No!" she replied. "Oh, go on he pleaded, "No!" she replied again. "Please, just a peck on the cheek" he begged. "For the last time, no! I shouldn't even be wanking you off!!."




Back in the day, William Shatner was engaged to Stevie Nicks, but she couldn't go through with it.
She wasn't too keen on being Stevie Shatner Nicks'





I accidentally ate some dog treats, they were quite tasty actually, but this stupid bitch next door complained to the Police when I was marking my territory outside her house.




A Crimewatch reconstruction is being made of the train attack on the Queen.

A teenage Camilla is still being sought , but Andrew says he'll play the baddie.

[Piper]

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how
useless men are.My wife said "They can't do two things at
once." I interrupted and said "Actually, I can."she
asked me to give her an example and I replied "Well while I was
sodomizing you last night I was thinking about your sister."


5 year old Tommy asked his mate Bobby what a penis was.
Bobby's response was that he didn't know and he said he'd ask his dad.
That evening Bobby asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his
son and holding his penis in one hand said, "Son this is a penis.
In fact, if you take a closer look you'll notice that it's a perfect penis."
The next day Bobby saw Tommy at recess and called him behind a hedge,
he exposed himself and whispered, "This is a penis.In fact, if it were three
inches shorter it would l be a perfect penis "


An outback hillbilly was in holiday at Bondi Beach
and couldn't seem to make it with any girls so
he asked a lifeguard for advice, "Mate it's obvious,
those baggy shorts are way out of date, they make
ya look old and lame.
Your best bet is to grab some Speedo's two sizes
too small and drop a fist sized potato inside them,
you'll have all the babes you want!".
The following day, the hillbilly hits the beach in his
skintight Speedo's complete with a fist sized potato.
As he strutted the beach, people covered their faces,
laughed and looked away, disgusted.
He confronts the lifeguard again and asks what is
wrong this time.
The lifeguard replies, "Maaate, the bloody potato
goes in the front!!".


What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
Not many people will pay $200 to have a lentil on their face


My wife told me she had got a tattoo of a mouse
on her inner thigh.
She pulls her skirt up higher, higher, "It's not there?!
"Oh pussy must've eaten it."


Pastor John Flaps see a lady church member getting
drunk in a pub.
He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up
on top of her. Landlord shouts "Oi mate you can't do
that in ere!"
Reverend replies, "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
Landlord says, "Oh well, if your that far in you may as well
finish."


I was asked who my favourite X-Men character was
Apparently Bruce Jenner was an inappropriate answer.


A teacher was working with a group of kids.
She had some lifesavers lollies, "Children, I'd like you to close
your eyes, taste and identify these "
They guessed the cherries, lemon and mint, but when the
teacher gave them the honey lifesavers, all of the kids were
stumped.
The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, It's something your mum
calls your dad all the time."
Little Johnny instantly spat his into the floor and shouted, "Quick
spit'em out! They're arseholes."


Customs took away my fortified wine.
I've been de-ported.


Kenny Loggins took five grams of coke
to go down on Katie price.
He took the highway to the danger zone.


I went for a job as a contortionist.
They said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well I can't do Thursdays.

[Piper]

Back in 1983, I fell off my
bike, twisted my foot and
hurt my knee.
For dinner that same-day I
had a gammon steak with
pineapple and Chips. For
dessert I had apple pie
with custard, followed by
a strawberry and banana
milkshake.
I'm telling you all this now
because there was no
social media in the 1980;


"Put the heating on will
you love."

"If the heating goes on,
you know I'll take my
clothes off."

"You win...Chuck us my
coat."


What's the difference
between the Italian mafia
and the Scottish mafia?

The Italian mafia make
you an offer you can't
refuse, the Scottish mafia
make you an offer you
can't understand.


A man was stopped by the
police at around 2 am.

The officer asked him
where he was going at
that time of the night.

The man replied-"I'm on
my way to the lecture
about alcohol abuse and
the effects it has on the
human body as well as
smoking and staying out
late."

The officer then asked-
really? who's giving that
lecture at this time of
night?'

The man replied "That
would be my wife."


When my dad told me
he was going to give me
advice on grooming, I was
very disappointed when
he started by producing a
comb and aftershave.


My girlfriend started to
whine, I gently patted her
back saying, "That's right.
Let It all out*... sadly...it
doesn't matter how much
air you remove, you can
never get your blow-up
doll back into the box.


I picked up several women
in the gym and banged
them just by showing off
and maxing out in one
machine that was there.

an ATM


I made my wife so happy
last night when I told her
she has "the face of a
Princess."

She was much less so
when I elaborated I was
specifically talking about
Beatrice.


I was in the supermarket
and this hot bird was
checking me out.

Then she looked at me
seductively and said...

"Cash or card?"


"I hear you split up with
your wife"
"I did. Would you stay with
someone who sat about in
their bra and pants all day,
drinking Gin and watching
Loose women?"

"I sure wouldn't."

"Well, neither would she."


As I got out of my car
there was a notice
That read 'Mon-sat
8am-6.30pm 2 hours. No
return within 2 hours.

It's a sign of the times.


I saw a sign in the park
saying, "If your dog
does a poo, pick it up."

I'm not sure I
can do it.

My Great Dane is
fucking heavy.



The wife is demanding
honesty in our
relationship.
Until she asks whether or
not her bum looks big in
this dress.


I'm about to have sex.
I have of course put a
condom in so I won't get
any STD's such as...in this
case, necrosis.


"I bought you an
engagement ring," I told
my girlfriend.

"How much did it cost?"
she asked in a flash.

"$400," I told her.

"$400?!" she fumed. "You
said you were going to
spend a month's wages!"

I said, "Yes, that's how
much my little brother
earns each month doing
housework."


Ted the Baker had his
funeral today, as a mark of
respect a single flour was
placed on his coffin.


Going in I had one rule
that stuck with me. Don't
drop the soap. Well, I didn't
drop it, not once in two
and a half years. It's the
best advice I was
ever given and the best I
can ever give.

Trust me, it just really
helps to have something
to bite down on.


Things instantly went
sour with the absolutely
stunning 24 year old
young woman I had plans
to leave my wife for whom
I finally took down my
trousers and unfortunately
had to show her my
relatively small penis.

She just started for a bit
and finally said, It's like
your cock is playing
hide-and-seek, and it's really
good at it."


Why do prunes have a use
by date?
They're to clear you
out.


I said to my wife, I think
that's a 'chick with a
Dick'!"
"No, that's a rooster."


My Dad always said to his
assistant, "pull the other
one," great bloke terrible
fucking Dentist.


I wouldn't say my best
make was bad at golf but
you need a lot of balls to
play like he does


I went to Alaska
and was asked by a
couple of nice ladies
if I fancied a bit of
clubbing.
After ten minutes I
felt really sorry for
those seals.


People who are employed
are called employees.
People who have COVID
test are called testes.


My blow-up doll goes down
quicker than a fat bird on a
nigger.

[Bikkie]

Maduro really loving that Oculus Rift that Trump sent him for Christmas.



Where will you find the finest cognac in the universe?

On XO planets


Hahahaha boom boom fuck off




Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is to be thrown into a detention centre that houses Diddy, Ghislaine Maxwell and R. Kelly.

That's not prison, that's a party.

[Bikkie]

Should be some fight for Greenland , Americans on one side , Eskimos on the other...

...and in the middle , Snowman's land !




A guy asks his doctor for something to help with his depression.

The doctor says, “Have you tried ignoring it like everyone else?”





Savile, Harris, Glitter.

These things come in threes.



In the dentist's waiting room today, I got talking to that Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince.

'What are you in for?' he asked.

I replied, 'I lost a crown last night, on account of a piece of toffee.'

He said, 'That's nothing. I lost one on account of a piece of fresh meat.'




I applied for a job as a bin man the other day.

I was a little worried i wouldn't fully understand but apparently you pick it up as you go along.



I was in work today when a woman walked in with her tits hanging out!

Me and my mates were shouting, "Wahay! Check out the knockers on that!"

I don't think we're cut out for work in the mammography department.



I won £3 million and donated a quarter of it to charity.
I now have £2,999,999.75 left.



'Free cinema passes for a month for Dublin hospital staff who worked over Christmas.'
"I spent enough time with my hands down the toilet this Christmas, now my eyes will be down the toilet!" One of the hospital staff commented...

[Piper]

My doctor said that I
should put a bar in my
shower to stop me falling
.over.

Silly cunt! After four
double rums I can't
even find the soap.


As we sat in the farmers
field on our honeymoon,
my wife said:

"You're a fucking idiot."

"Why?" I replied, "this is
what you asked for."

"No I fucking didn't" she
screamed, "I asked for
Bali "


I read somewhere that
6.7% of people have an
alcohol problem, and I
couldn't help thinking,
"6 7%.... that would make a
pretty strong beer."


I've just read that having
orgasms is one of the
healthiest ways to relieve
stress
So does that mean if
you're told to "fuck
yourself" what their really
saying is "I care about
you"?


The COVID vaccine is 95%
effective. It sounds high
but to put it in perspective
imagine that's how
effective your girlfriend's
contraceptive pill was.


What's an Afghan farmers
favourite animal?

Islam.


So, the following have
said that they will refuse
the COVID vaccine....

Muslims because it
contains a pork derivative.

Vegans because it
contains an animal
product.

Blacks because it is white
man's medicine and has a
tracking Chip.

Anti-vaxxers because they
are idiots.

There a fears that these
groups will be most at risk
from catching and dying
from COVID -19 in the
future.

Every cloud.


My wife texted me in the
supermarket.
"I fancy an omelette, make
sure you don't get caged
eggs it's cruel, get the
ones that are kinder."
Only that fat cunt would
eat a chocolate omelette!!


I always punish my liver
on weekends

Mercy is for the week.


One of the saddest
moments in my life was
being left at the altar.
Worst baptism ever...


I once had a dentist many
years ago who was quite
obviously gay and talked
with a heavy lisp

He got really fucking mad
when I seriously couldn't
help myself and called
him "The Tooth Fairy!"

That was honestly a big
fucking mistake on my
part, just before he went
hard at my molars with
that fucking drill.


I got sacked at my last job
before I'd even finished
my training. We did one
of those fucking irritating
icebreakers and the
question was "What movie
title describes your sex
life?
After going around the
room and hearing clichéd
answers like Deep Impact
and Get Hard, the trainer
turned to me and said,
"I didn't quite get yours,"
"Deep Blue Sea?" I replied,
"No, it's Deep Blue C. I'm a
necrophiliac."


Can't stand cricket it's just
a bloke hitting a ball with
a piece of wood,
Give me snooker any day!


A tube of lubricating
gel please, I said to the
pharmacist.
"K Y," she replied.

"Because my wife's twat
is as dry as sticks. That's
why if you must know."


Two guys in a pub.
One says to the other, "Don't
you think all Liverpool
fans are arseholes?".
A huge guy sitting near
them stands up and
says, "I take offence at
that statement you just
made!"
"I didn't mean to offend
you mate. Are you a
Liverpool fan?*
"No, I'm a arsehole!"


I've got a business selling
panty pads and Viagra
They call me the rag and
bone man.


Why couldn't the
stuttering Rimmer say the
word 'anus'?
Because it was stuck on
the tip of his tongue.


I just bought a Liverpool
shirt, and it's the best
thing so far, for social
distancing


I crashed my car this
morning on the motorway
and had to leave it on the
hard shoulder.
I phoned up my insurance
company and the woman
on the phone asked.
"Are you in the AA?"
I said, "No, but I am
concerned I've been
drinking too much.


Life is shit and after death
there is nothing
So nothing is better than
shit.


Report: Undertakers could
save money by not putting
the final nail in the coffin.

In test, no corpse has
managed to push the lid
off yet.


Have you noticed the
hearse drivers don't overtake.
They do the opposite.

Have you seen how
expensive funerals are
nowadays?
Just before I die, I'm going
to change my name to
'OFF'. That way when
the car is driving to the
graveyard with my coffin
in it, The flowers on top of
the coffin will spell
"R .I.P OFF."


My missus kept banging
on for me to buy her
ladies lynx for her
birthday. She went fucking
mental when I gave her a
chain off a ladies bike


There's more Chinese
people in the world than
any other nationality.
My wife must think I'm a sex
god because she's given
me a Chinese nickname.

Mousey Dong


Someone should perfect a
bread recipe based around
dill.
How many women would admit
to kneading their dill dough?


Nobody does this, nobody
bothers to even pick that
up-my wife is forever
praising this "nobody" just
wait till I get my hands on
the smug little cunt.

[Bikkie]

The BBC have plans to make a film about Catherine de Medici, who apparently was known as the Black Queen.



I broke my nose last night.

I walked into a crowbar.

i'll tell you, those crows are really protective of who uses their pubs.




I'm not using Amazon anymore!
I ordered grain for my chickens.
But after I got it, they sent
an email asking for my feedback.




I’ve learned that silence in a relationship means one of us is thinking.

And it’s not me.




So there I was watching the video... and when I heard "boom boom", I was appalled.

What idiot thought of a glove puppet fox who laughs at his own jokes?



Lorraine Kelly bursts into laughter at a guest with the world's smallest penis.

That's rich coming from someone with the smallest brain.




Cut my hand whilst slitting patio slabs recently.

Still - Sore!





Lorraine Kelly meets man with worlds smallest penis or smallest Willy meets biggest cunt




Why are Black people skipping cruise vacations?

They've been on that "free boat ride" before.

[Bikkie]

"Hi Pete, I'm glad I've run
into you. I'm organising
a stag do for Dave, we're
off to Amsterdam. I don't
want the details public
so Insta and Facebook
are out-I'll send you the
details on Messenger."

"I don't have Messenger."

"Ok, I'll WhatsApp you."

"I don't have WhatsApp."

"Bebo? Myspace? Friends
Reunited? Ancestry.com?"

"Haha! I'm not that old."

"I'll text you."

"I lost my mobile."

"I'll call you."

"I'm waiting for Spark to fix my home phone."

"Tell you what, I'll meet you at the clock in the town square on saturday at 12 noon to give you the details."

"Cool. Bring them in a letter."




I'm opening a new tool and sweet shop on an Irish building

It'll be called, Pick 'n' Micks.




If any of you believe in love at first sight....
....look once, look twice.....
then run like fuck.




Last night I fucked a girl with glasses.

She had one in each hand and didn't want to spill them.




I've been learning snooker

The only time a black does anything is when a white hits it.




I'm not saying I watch too much porn but my TV Laptop and Tablet have windscreen wipers.




My new paki neighbours were having a house warming party. A Molotov cocktail should do the trick.




I said to my girlfriend
"When I asked you to tease me, I didn't mean say my cock was small."




The neighbours knocked on the front door

"We're going out tonight."

They told me. "We need a babysitter for our two-year-old boy that doesn't smoke or do drugs or gamble."

"I'm not sure why you're boasting." I replied. "I don't know any two-year-olds that do these things."





I really hate using punctuation.

Full stop




Lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M25, cues expected.


Only gone an bagged myself a six foot blonde, we aint fucked yet but by the sounds of it she's a catch, everywhere we go people whisper "here's that hot lass with that tight little cunt."




I'm noy saying my wife has gotten comfortable, but the only bending over and panting she does these days is when she's looking in the biscuit cupboard.

[Bikkie]

Why did the UAE just cancel all the scholarships to UK universities?

Because they heard the Muslim Brotherhood was offering a better exchange program — free radicalisation with every lecture, and you still get to keep your passport!



I hate to leave my washing alone,

So I always make sure it's in comfort.



Lego has just unveiled a totally new kind of brick that looks just like a classic 2x4 piece, but contains a tiny computer.

When you walk on it, it screams for you.




Mickey Rourke puts down his begging bowl to star in a new movie - Down and Out In Sin City




Cryptocurrency news:

'Islamic Coin' up nearly 500% in 24 hours.

Fuck me, that's going to explode...




Police have said they will not be pressing charges following video footage of Prince Andrew fornicating with a 12 year old from Nimes.
They said it was only a minor miss de Nimes er

[Piper]

I was going to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you probably never heard of herbivore.


Which side of a turkey has more feathers?
The outside.


What did the drummer name his two twin
daughter's?

Anna 1 Anna 2.


What do you call a teacher who never
farts in public?
A private tutor.


What has 5 toes but isn't your foot?
My


Why can't you trust the king of the
jungle?
Because he's always lion.


Did you hear about the famous pickle
he's a really big dill


What do you call a Frenchman wearing
sandals?
Philippe Philippe.


What does a lesbian pirate with two
peg legs say to her girlfriend?
Scissor me timbers.


Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't find their home.


What do you call a factory that makes
okay products?
A satisfactory.


A little bit of wee is not going to hold
me back!

Sounds great in a Tena lady commercial.

Not so much when one of you pissed the
bed but still want to fuck in the morning.


"How much do I owe you for those period
pads you bought me?"
"A tenner lady."


Heroin Training -Fuck yeah, I feel great!

No wait, sorry I meant to write 'Hero in
training'.


Exotic Foods:

English -pot Noodle

Cambodian-pol pot Noodle

Korean -Dog Noodle

Scottish -och the Noo-dle.


A friend asked me to do a
Native American impression.
I said how.


Life is all about how much shit
you're willing to put up with just
to get your dick wet.


Best chat up line ever-Actually works.

"Excuse me, love, are you a lawyer?

Because I want you to get me off."


My dad always said around every
corner is a surprise.

Nice guy, shit tour guide.


Some gay guys at work
were talking about what
they like to do in their free
time right in front of me.

Fucking arseholes.


Two heads are better than
one was not something I
wanted to hear from my
Tai bride.


Something has always
perplexed me about
people who draw cartoons
of the prophet Muhammad.
How do they know what he
looked like!


I tried to buy cologne for a
gender neutral non-binary,
genderqueer, two spirit, third
gender relative.

Like a bisexual, the scented
oill-based liquid only comes in
male and female.

[Bikkie]

Blind prostitutes ... You gotta hand it to them




Jeetesh begging: "I didn't do child abuse!"
Officer: "This IS child abuse."
Jeetesh: "But in India, we call it 'arranged chatting'—can I get a diplomatic immunity upgrade?"




Why did the Indian student think he could groom UK teens?

Because back home, "just a warning" means "bail in 2 hours and a Netflix special on how you're the real victim."




Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoilt, Son!"




A brand-new teacher noticed that the kids kept teasing one boy, calling him “Mikey the Moron.”

During recess, the teacher asked why.

One of the boys said, “Because he is a moron! Watch this…”

He held out a large 50-cent coin and a smaller one-dollar coin.
Mikey looked at both and—just like the kids expected—took the 50-cent piece.

Later, the teacher pulled Mikey aside and gently said,
“Mikey, the 50-cent coin may be bigger, but the one-dollar coin is worth more. You understand that, right?”

Mikey sighed and replied,
“Of course I understand that, sir.”

“Then why do you always choose the 50-cent coin?” the teacher asked.

Mikey grinned and said,
“Because the day I take the dollar… is the day they stop giving me money.”




A young couple were driving home one night.

As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

The man replied, "I guess it'll just hold it's little nose!"




A girl finds a genie and gets two wishes.
First wish: "Make my tits massive!"
Boom—38DD, perfect, gravity-defying perfection.
Second wish: "Now give me the tightest pussy imaginable."
Genie grins: "Done."
Her phone starts ringing off the hook...
She'll probably call you back when she's done screaming.




An Essex girl and John are playing a game of hide and seek.

John counts to ten while the Essex girl hides.

After about thirty seconds, John gets a text from the Essex girl saying:

“If you find me, you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse.

If you can’t,

I’m in the shed.”



Paddy & Mick walking down the road, and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, You can have them both"




My girlfriend left me because she said I was sex mad.

Sex mad with her sister who had nicer bigger tits.




An autistic Barbie doll has been released by Mattel, featuring gaze-avoiding eye contact, a fidget spinner, and noise-cancelling headphones.

And an AK-47, for when she goes off the rails.




Yvette Cooper telling The Iranian government that they're out of order…

…is like my Nan telling feral niggers in Lon to behave themselves, innit.





For someone who has massive problems grasping the difference between a
refugee seeking asylum and an escapee from a lunatic asylum, Trump is gonna
have trouble getting his head around Greenland's capital's name, Nuuk.

[Piper]

I was speaking to my ex
earlier, reminiscing about
old times and she asked
me to describe how sex
with her compared to my
latest women's.I replied
"Sex with you is like being
on a rollercoaster."

"Aww" she says, flatted.
"Is that because I'm the
best ride of your life?"

"Err, no, love.I had to
queue up for two hours
then I puked on the guy
behind me."


I was fucking my
secretary up the arse
when my wife walked in
she said, "You can't do
that to me."
I said, I know.. that's why
I'm doing it to her "


My wife really impressed
staff when she used
French phrases and adhered
to French etiquette at the
Bouchon.

Yet when I squinted my
eyes and said"Me want
bowl of flied lice" at the
Chinese restaurant, they
took the prawn cracker
basket off my head and
asked me to leave.


My dream job would be
answering the phone on
the suppository helpline.
Imagine that. Every time
someone phones up, you
tell them to shove it up
their arse!


Once ordered some Viagra
off the Dark web.
Ended up getting stiffed.


The moment I realised
that my girlfriend was a
slag was when she walked
in my kitchen and saw me
slicing a cucumber.
And said "You think my
minge is a fucking money
box or something?"


I was driving along when a
man waved me down.

I stopped the car and he
asked me if I could give
him a few directions.

"Certainly," I replied, "up
down, east end west."

Then I drove off.


Apparently if your wife
ever says "if anything
happens to me, I want you
to meet someone new .."
"Anything" doesn't include
getting stuck in traffic.


I said to the robber, "I have
a wife and four kids "

"I'm not going to shoot
you" he replied.

"You heartless cunt," I said.


Two cockneys down the
boozer
First one, "I've just bought
a car off the krays"
Second one, "What reg"
First one, "no Ronnie ".


For some reason, women
get really annoyed when a
man watches pornography
on their phone.

It's why I no longer work at
the Apple store.


If anyone's got any old Toy
Story characters they don't
want give me a buzz.


At the restaurant the
pretty waitress asked
"How do you like your
steak sir?"

I said,"The same way I
like my sex."

She said,"Very rare then."


My Grandad always said:
"Problems always solve
themselves in the end "

Top bloke, shit math
teacher.


I like most people there
days use metric. That is
until it comes to telling
someone the size of
your cock, then 50 mm
does not sound too
impressive.


It's bullshit that men
can't multitask.

I have 3 families
and a girlfriend.


My wife has been
going to the gym
and she is starting
to look that good
that I've had to tell
her sister that she'd
better start to get
herself in shape.


My wife looked out
the window, sighed,
and said, "When will
the rain stop falling?"

"When it hits the
ground," I replied.


I was at a bar the other
day and I saw a hen party
wearing T-shirts printed
with the words Penis
Police. I asked them what
it meant.

They said that if I had
an average-sized penis, I
would be charged with a
misdemeanor. If I had
a large penis, I would be
charged with felony

Anyway long story short,
they gave me a parking
ticket.


My wife told me she's
going to allow rough sex,
facials, fetching, and deep
pounding anal

Admittedly, I've received
better emails from her
when she's been staying
away in a hotel with work
colleagues.


I asked the colonel what
the lowest rank in the
army was

He said, "It's private."

I said, "Come on, you can
tell me "


An armed man has just
run into an estate agents
and shouted
"Nobody move."


Someone was telling me
about this ship that travels
in international waters
and offers abortions for
women from countries
where the practice is
banned.. .I couldn't help
but wonder what the ship
would be called....All
Abort?


I told my daughter to take
an old damaged portrait
of herself to a restorer to
get fixed. Dirty cunt just
texted me saying he'd
touched her up!


When I heard Muslims
can have four wives I
decided to convert to
Islam. I changed my mind
when I realised that also
have four mother's -in-law


I'm doing a quiz and need
some help...I know Henry
VIII had 6 wives -There
was Catherine of Aragon,
Anne Boleyn, Anne of
Cleves, Catherine Howard,
Catherine Parr but, for
the life of me, I can't
remember the surname of
the other called Jane...see
more.


What's 6 inches long pink
and makes my wife moan
all day?
Her fucking tongue!


My wife was livid when
she was recently refused
sales of products to stop
her heavy menstrual flow.

"Sorry ma'am, right now
we can't sell any pillows or
mattresses."


What do you call a bullet
proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea


I wanted to call our son.
Lance, but my wife
said it was uncommon.
I said that in medieval
times parents call their
sons Lance a lot.


Life is like a box of
chocolates.

Not as fun with diabetes.


I was going to go to the
gym, but then I remember
I have a personality.


I've given up on dealing
coke.
Tired of people sticking
their noses in my
business.


The adjective for metal
is metallic, but not so
for iron, which is ironic.


Drinking Fosters really
puts the wee in weekend.


Sir Edmund Hillary
climbed Mount Everest
with the aid of an assistant.

Was he permanent?

No, he was a Sherpa
Temping.
.
.
.
.
Fill your boots guys


What a wonderful world
we live in. I opened the
curtains on this crisp icy
morning and what did I
see?
Only two pensioners
outside breakdancing.
They looked like they were
in their 80's. How cool is
that at their age?


Last night I found out we
had black people in our
family tree!. .

Not to worry though, Dad
got his shotgun and shot
them out of the branches!


I used think FedEx was run
by Hannibal Lecter.


I thought I'd take my
stamp collection to
impress a girl on our first
date.
She said,*Philately will get
you nowhere..."


It's a dive minute walk
from my house to the pub.

It's a thirty five minute
walk from the pub to my
house.

The difference between is
staggering!!


What is now black on top
and white on the bottom?

Society.


My last girlfriend and I
broke up because of
musical differences.

She refused to play my
skin flute.


What's the difference
between a hippy girl and a
Muslim girl?
One gets stoned before
sex, and the other after
sex.


What do you call a Muslim
lesbian?
Gasheeta.


Why did the music teacher
go to jail?

Because he fingered the
wrong miner


I am trying to be more
politically correct these
days, the wife burnt the
dinner, so I gave her an
'eye ok colour '.


Saw some blackbirds with
great tits today. Had a
woodpecker, now I have
thrush.


A feminist shouted at me,
*Men only want one thing
and it's disgusting!"

"Clean it then, you dirty
bitch* I replied.


Have you ever noticed
that when geese fly in a
V formation, one side is
always longer than the
other.

That is because there are
more geese on that side.


Another benefit being
on the dole is you're
never going to come
home from work to catch
your wife shagging the
postman.


I sexually identify as a
microwave meal.

I come ready in three
minutes and look fuck all
like the picture.


"Daddy, why do they always
put bus stops outside shops
and post offices?"

"Well, sweetheart, it's so
mummy and daddy have
somewhere to park our
nice BMW when we need
to go to the shops or post
office."


If I had to choose between
freedom of speech and my
gun, I'd choose my gun.

Then I'd say whatever I
wanted because I've got a
fucking gun!


What does a garden gnome
and a dwarf have in common!

Very little.


My wife referenced
something to me from
Cosmo that women find it
romantic to get surprise sex
from their husbands.

So I do what she fucking
wants and roll her fat arse
over at 1am and start fuckt
her up the duff, and all she
does is starts screaming.


"So class" said the teacher ,
"Can anyone give me an
example of a sentence?"

"She's" said Little Johnny.

"That's not a sentence "
she replied, "It needs
punctuation and cont"

"But I heard it last night"
Johnny said. "My brother's
mate started fucking his
rubber doll and it started
leaking. My brother said
"She's full, stop."


After seeing a palm reader, I
face him my money.

He held the note up to the
light and frowned."This is
fake," he said.

I said, "Now you know what
it feels like."


I said hello to my new neighbour
this morning....
*How's it going?..I asked
"I just want to be left alone."
He said.."my last neighbour
tormented me with subtle
comments about being a
monkey."
I replied.. "Sorry for my
howler, I didn't mean to pry
mate."


Listening to the radio with the
wife earlier.
She said,"Ooh, this is Elton John,
isn't it? Didn't he do candle in the wind?"
I replied, "He probably tried it as a
teenager "


The salesman said, "This sofa will seat
five people without any problems."

"Fuck that" I thought, "Where am I
supposed to find five people without
any problems."


Jesus saves

Without interest rates the way they are
nowadays, he'd better going with
Bitcoin.


I just got back from acting in a porno
where there were 8 black guys and I
was the only white bloke

I had a really small part


Are you looking for a tradesman in
your local area?

Try the Job centre.


My wife is on her period so we can't
have sex

The period between marriage and
death.


We had a blackout in the street last
night.
He stole all the lightbulbs.


Never judge a book by it's cover.
But, if the covers black, it's
probably robbed your phone.

[Piper]

I went to a pub and
ordered a pint. As the
landlord put my drink
down, I asked him for the
WiFi code
"Oh no," he said, "there's
no WiFi in here people
used to sit talking in pubs
about their day, their, families,
work, politics, music, the lot-now
people just stare at their phones
and it breaks my heart to see;
therefore, no WiFi in this pub "
"You know what?" I replied,
"You're right!" and I put my phone
away.
"Thank you," the landlord said, "In
this pub I want you to act as you
would thirty or forty years ago "
So I lit a cigarette, gave him $1
for the pint and said, "No fucking
problem mate "


I was in the pharmacy
waiting for my prescription
when this pretty assistant
started flirting with me .
so as I waited I couldn't
help but ask, "do you take
it up the arse or do you
swallow..?" That was when
she called the police...
You know to this day I still
don't know what I supposed
to with my suppositories.


George Kerr a Scottish
soldier, in full dress
uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens
his sporran
and pulls out a neatly
folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a
smaller silk square
handkerchief,
which he also unfolds-
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a
number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up
and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?"
George asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence " says the chemist.
George painstakingly
folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana,
replaces it carefully, in his
sporran,
and marches out of the
door,
shoulders back and kilt
swinging.
A moment or two later
the chemist hears a great
shout go up outside,
followed by an even
greater shout.
George marches back into the
chemist's and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a
grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a
vote," he says
"We'll have a new one."


Little Johnny arrived home
early from school ( run by nuns )
one day, his mum was a bit surprised.
"What are you doing home this early?"
she asked.
"I've been suspended" he replied .
"Why?" said his mum
"We were learning about
animals and the names
of the males and females
of the species, such as sheep...rams
and ewes"
"Nothing wrong with that "
said mum,
"I know* said Johnny "and
when Sister Mary asked if there
were questions, I asked if she knew
what a female peacock was called.
She didn't, so I told her ..and here
I am now!"


When it comes to raising our kids,
the wife says I had a small part

In her


I raised the alarm at work
today

The midgets were furious


My Dad told me he had a
cowboy builder in to fix
the wall in the garden.
The work was shite and his
horse had shit all over the
driveway.


The Muslim I was
working with on a tower
scaffolding lost his
footing and slipped. I
managed to grab his hand
as he was dangling 150
feet in the air.

"Please, please," he
begged, "don't let me
drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon
sandwich if I pull you up?"
I asked

"Yes! Yes! of course I will "
he said.

So I let him go. I'm not
having a fucking Muslim
steal my breakfast.


English language is
very difficult to learn
due to it's multitude of
idiosyncrasies.
In fact, it is so complex
experts reckon that
everyday, most users utter
a sentence which has
never before spoken.
I was so surprised by
this statement that you
could have fucked me
sideways with a peanut
butter, banana and white
chocolate spread toasted
sandwich!


A solicitor calls his
wealthy art collector client
and says, "Sir Ian, I have
some good news, and I
have some bad news."
The client replied, "I've had
an tough day. Give me
the good news first!" The
lawyer said, "Well, I met
with Lady Pamela today,
and she informed me that
she just invested $100,000
in some pictures that she
thinks will be worth
about $100 million, I've
looked at them and I think
she could be right." Sir Ian
replied enthusiastically,
"Wow, that's incredible, my
wife is a shrewd investor
and I never even knew it,.
you're just made my day!
Now I know I can handle
the bad news, what is
it?" The lawyer replied,
"The pictures are of you
and some rent boys in a
hotel."


Two guys in a health club,
one is putting on lace
knickers.
"Since when do you wear
women's pants?"
"Since my wife found
them in the glove
compartment!"


Do women scream at the
point of orgasm?
They usually do when I
reach mine.


I've just finished building of
Mount Everest.

My mate asked "Is it to
scale?"

"No"I replied, "It's to
look at."


People who are struggling
to put food on the table
should spare a thought
for me

I've had to chop up my
table to put wood on the
fire.


I prefer to think of porn
as a performance enhancing
drug for marriage.


What idiot thought of the
expression "depressed",
when people so often can't
. wait to feel pressed?


Met my alphabet teacher in
the corridor.
She held the door open
and said, "After you..."
I thought for a second
then replied, "V".

[Bikkie]

If you , like me , are interested in that "hallucinated" West Ham v Maccabi Tel Aviv game ,
West Ham won 548-547 on penalties.




Maria Corina Machado didn’t give Trump her Nobel for peace.
She gave it to him to stop the flat knock-knock jokes.

A real No-bell-end surprise.




As an American, I never imagined I'd be in a prison in Honduras.

But that's what happens when you book a flight on ICE Airlines.



Why did Machado give Trump her Nobel Peace Prize medal?

Because nothing screams "peace" like handing your hard-earned award
to the guy who once suggested invading Venezuela—now if he accidentally
starts a war over it, at least he'll have a shiny excuse to melt down into bullets. "See? It's for freedom... or whatever."







Andrew's life in exile in his 'poky' new home, no space for staff or a proper garage.

How will he cope without a scullery?



I shat myself last night. I was having a beer in an airport bar when a paki rushed in screaming "allah, allah, allah, allah, allah......., alava coke and bag of nuts please.

Stuttering Bastard!!!!