What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

I asked a science teacher
how I could make Magnesium
Oxide and he replied, "You
really need a lab for that."

So I went straight to the
dog rehoming center and
picked one up, but he doesn't
know either?


I put this ad in a lonely
hearts column.

"I like to go for long walks
stopping regularly for nice
cool drinks. I enjoy good
food and at the end of a
day I would love to curl up
on the sofa with you and
stroke your hair"

I only got one reply

From a Golden Retriever.


My wife was in the garden
when her mobile rang, so I
picked it up.

"Oh, hello Dave!!" said her
friend. "Are you really so
insecure that you have to
check up on her?"

"No," I replied. "But every
year or so I like to check
that her Answer button is
working."


My mate is so thick...
He thought that legs
Akimbo was an Ethiopian
long distance runner.


Me and my girlfriend were
discussing the withdrawal
agreement today.

Apparently, if I promise
to put out, I'm definitely
allowed to come on her
tits.


Someone's knockin' at the
door
somebody's ringin' the bell
someone's knockin' at the
door
someone's ringin' the
bell
Jehovah's witness with
Parkinson's'.


The original King Kong
was 42 feet tall.
A normal gorilla has a
penis length of about 1.5
inches.
King Kong would therefore
have a penis about 10.5
inches long.
He fancied Fay Wray.
She started to fall for him.
She could have just about
accommodated him had
she given it some serious
thought .

Just saying!


I have good news and bad
news

The bad news is there's no
good news.

And the good news is that
the bad news is irrelevant


Definition of irony, doing
your speed awareness
course on Zoom

The no show.


My friend said to me, "My
wife makes Susan Boyle
look beautiful"

I said, "Thank god you said
that, I've been wanting
to say something for
years, you know she really
is ugly, what were you
thinking when you married
her?"

He replied angrily "No, you
fucking cunt, she's Susan's
new personal make-up
artist "


I had an examination
earlier. And the guy
stuck his finger right
up my arse to the hilt.
Then twirled it around
for a bit. I was telling the
wife I didn't think it was
normal. She said if I was
that concerned. I should
probably change dentist.


My regular prostitute had
a special offer: "Two For
The Price Of One "

Anyway, the other guy
seemed really nice..


I was a crack baby.

Unlike my brother, he was
a caesarian section.


I asked my wife if she
fancied a quickie.
She replied..."As opposed
to what?"


I just lost my job
as an ice-cream tester.

I couldn't do Sundaes...


My mother always said,
"Sometimes, son it is
better to just walk away
from things and go back
to them later when you're
in a better frame of mind."

Anyway, I just lost my job
as a surgeon.


My Mum straddled me
and shouted in my face,
"You're a fucking loser!"

Wasn't what I expected to
happen the second I lost
my virginity.


This impotence is all very
new to me. I'm a Johnny
cum-lately.


Men with neck tattoos
used to make people
nervous.
Now they make them
lattes


My first day as a home
help for the elderly could
have gone better.

"There you go Mrs Jones,
I've emptied out that big
ashtray you keep on the
mantelpiece for you."


The Gender Equality crap
has gone too far these
days

My gay son told me he
just got a new job at
this all male version of
Hooters called "Peckers."


I asked the librarian if
she had a book about the
proper way to insert a
penis into a Vagina.

"That's indecent" she said.

"Yeah that's the one" I
said.


How do you convince a
liberal that something is
there?
Put it beneath a headline.


I went to the doctor to
get a prescription for my
alcoholism.

"What's the cost of this
prescription?" I asked him.

"$1,000," he said.

I said, "Woah, and what
are the side effects?"

"Drowsiness, nausea,
headache.. " he said
"I'll decline," I said. "I
seems cheaper just to get drunk."


I walked in the bathroom
and caught my girlfriend
flicking the old bean, hand
in pants going 10 to the
dozen. Flustered, she
looked up smiling at me
and said "Would you like
to finish me off?"

I just hope that my
response will stand up in
court as an alibi.


Pessimist: This glass is
half empty.

Optimist: This glass is half
full.

Opportunist: Drinks
both glasses while
the other two cunts
are arguing about it.


What do you call
a Russian gender
reassignment surgeon?

Pulya Kickoff.


I used to be a
historian.

But that's all
behind me.

[Bikkie]

Two guys are leaving work when one says: "The first thing I'm going to do when I get home is rip my wife's panties off."

"You're that horny?"

"No, the elastic is killing me."




What does a narcissist says after receiving a blowjob?

I was great, wasn't I?



A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby. She was riding a little red pedal car with tiny ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet. The pedal car was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look.

“That’s a nice fire engine,” he said admiringly.

“Thank you,” the girl replied.

The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the pedal car to her dog’s collar—and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little girl,” the fireman said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your apparatus, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then replied:

“You’re probably right… but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”






My wife came out of the kitchen and said, "Do you want seconds?"

I said, "Seconds, I didn't want fucking firsts."



If your woman put on weight over the holidays, suggest some exercise.

Get her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

By the end of January, the problem should be about 42 miles away.



Wife finds a pair of women's panties in the laundry that aren't hers.
She confronts husband: "Whose are these?!"
Husband: "They're yours. I bought them for you as a surprise."
Wife: "Really? Then why do they say 'Nigel's Bitch' on the waistband?"
Husband: "…Because Nigel helped pick them out. Team effort."




A hunter accidentally shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun.
A few hours later, while lying in a hospital bed, he’s approached by his doctor.
Doctor: “The good news is, you’re going to be okay.
The bad news is there’s some pretty significant buckshot damage to your penis, so I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
Hunter: “Is she a plastic surgeon?”
Doctor: “No. She plays the flute… she’ll teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your face.”




What do you call a movie about vampires that has an entirely transgender cast?

The Lost Boys





If Donald Trump gets any more incoherent, the right wing Evangelicals will claim he is speaking in tongues.




Starmer’s chief secretary reveals plans to 'bust the sludge’ in Whitehall.

Fuck's sake Keir, see rent boys on your own time.



I've been sacked from my job as a fireman. Why? Because when I was putting out a fire at a corner shop, I gave the owner a much-needed wash.




I use AI for some of the most important things in my life, such as making videos of me fucking Megan Fox.




Donald Trump is obviously in the wrong house.

Because he definitely belongs in the nuthouse.

[Piper]

I'll tell you about the most
disgusting thing that ever
happened to me.

I was at a festival once,
beautiful hot day and I
was keen to get pissed
but I was skint. So I was
sneaking the odd drink
from people here and
there, when I spotted a
pint glass, almost full
with a golden yellow liquid.
I was excitedly assumed
it was someone's beer, so
I went for it.
Picked it up and it felt a bit
warm but I just thought It'd
been out in the sun. So I
nicked it.

Honestly, it was the most
vile thing I've ever tasted!
You've guessed what it
was already. .

Fosters


They say that women are
like buses.You wait ages
for one then three turn up
at once.

Well I don't know about
three turning up. But the
one I dated certainly
resembled the back end
of a bus.


What do blacks call their
sexual partners?

Prime mates.


I keep trying to persuade
my wife that it's the small
things in life that give the
most pleasure!

My excuse for having a
3 inch cock.


It just fucking amazes
me that there are men's
perfumes out there that
costs upwards of $100
a bottle.

But it's very easy for me to
say that when I'm having a
KFC meal and I'll soon be
having a date with a black
woman.


People say that pornography
creates unrealistic expectations
among young women.

Namely that they can earn more
money than men.


I went to give a sperm sample
the other day the nurse said
would I like to masturbate in
a cup, I said Thanks but I don't
think I'm ready for a competition
yet.


I entered a wanking
competition yesterday.

I didn't come anywhere.



I saw a midget climbing down
a prison wall..
I thought that's a little
condescending.


My voluntary work with the
Samaritans only lasted one
shift.
A caller said he was suicidal
and about to throw himself
under a train.

I thought I should get advice
from a supervisor and told
him to stay on the line.


The girls around town call
me 'The Terminator. '

I'm not muscular or tough
but I have an oozy
nine-millimetre.


My thoughts on women
are similar to my thoughts
on toilet paper.
The quality's irrelevant when
your just going to spaff in it.


A young girl in her underwear
is irresistible to me

I'm addicted to knicker teen.


Paddy's and Mary's marriage
was not doing well, eventually
Mary took herself off to consult
a therapist, Doctor O'Reilly.
The Doctor spent an hour patiently
asking all sorts of general questions
about their marriage and ticking
boxes on assessments.
He eventually started to probe
her on the intimate side of things.
"Tell me Mary, how often during
the average week do you have sex?"
"Well Doctor, it can vary but usually
two or three times a week."
"That's very good Mary.
When you're having sex how would
you describe Paddy's expression?"
"It's not nice Doctor, not nice at all
He looks terrible angry."
"Ah that's very interesting Mary.
Tell me when you're having sex
and Paddy has this expression
what position would he normally
be in?"
"Usually stood on top of the ladder
Doctor looking in through the
window..."


Snow White is such on unrealistic
character

In my experience, you can put a lot
more than your tongue in a woman's
mouth before she wakes up.


Snow White can only allow 6 of the
dwarfs into her home.
None of them are Happy.


I arranged to play tennis with an
Asian colleague at the weekend
and agreed to pick him up from
his house.

When I arrived the words
"Paki Bastards Out" were
scrawled in big letters across
the front of his house.

"Why didn't he just leave a note
pinned to the door?"
I thought as I drove away.


I was at the bar and I ordered
a pint of lager and a pepsi for
the wife and went to sit down.
She said, "Where's the straw?"
I went back over to the bar and
said, "have you got a straw for
the coke?"
Landlord replied, "just use a
rolled up fiver like everybody else."


My girlfriend's fit as a fiddle, albeit
one that's been passed around the
whole band.


Just had a message from a random
guy asking to meet in the woods to
compare dick sizes.

Fucking weirdo didn't even turn up.


Misunderstanding:

I staggered into the shop
unit I'd recently rented
clutching an old wooden
milk churn, tin miner's
helmet and an oil painting
of Exeter.
I shouted out to the missus,
"I'm just back from the auction,
can you come and give me a hand
to unload the van, I've got a ton of
stuff to bring in!"

There was no answer so I looked
through to the back room and saw
the walrus dangling in a sex swing,
she was wearing a leather basque
and stilettos whilst clutching a
cat o' nine-tails and an enormous dildo.
"What the hell do you think you're doing??!"
I squawked
"Getting ready?" she replied.
"What exactly are you getting fucking
ready for?"
I enquired
"When we open." She replied, "I've got
to look the part if we're going to be a
Den Of Iniquity!"
"You stupid cunt," I screamed.
"I said we were selling Devon Antiquities!"


I asked the missus if she fancied trying anal

She said fuck that shit

I said that's the spirit.


Did you hear about the
rabbi who had a side-gig
in circumcising black guys?

The pay was low but the
tips were huge.

[Bikkie]

Two look a like perverts are going around offering to clear driveways of snow.

Be on the look out for Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter.



Look outside, Britons.

That’s the colour teeth used to be, before tea won.



After a decent lottery win, I bought myself a Rolls Royce and hired my own private driver.

Now I've got a flash car, but all my money's gone and I've nothing to chauffer it.






Donald Trump's clash with NATO intensifies, as he makes claim that European troops avoided the frontlines in Afghanistan.

He added, 'No one knows more about avoiding frontlines than I do, believe me.'




A blue whale’s poo can weigh as much as 4 tonnes, making it the second largest piece of shit in the world…

…just behind Trump’s “framework deal” for Greenland — all hype, no actual ownership, and still smells like bullshit.




A mate got offered some baby oil the other day. Shit Diddy

[Piper]

How did you learn to
dance to Tragedy
5,6,7,8?

"I just followed the steps."



A sheep in a swimsuit
just drove past me.

It was a lamb bikini.



"2B, or not 2B. That
is this question."

-Shakespare, apartment
hunting...



I had driven my secretary
into the countryside miles
from anywhere, she had
unzipped me and was
just about to go down on
me
She looked at me,all flushed
and said in a husky voice,
"Would you like to make me
a drink?"

With unbelievable disappointment
I zipped up again, drove back to
the office and put the kettle on.



Next to me in the pub
there was a Londoner.
He had a strong cockney
accent

The guys date went to the
toilet and he pulled out a
crossword book

I was helping him with a
crossword.

"Six letter, contributes to
a result..." he said, "I want
to get this one before my
bird comes back."

I said, "Factor?"

He said, "Nah not yet bud
she's waiting till the third
date "



My wife was upset when
I told her I employed a
female secretary.

"Is she busty?" she raged.

"No honey, that's not why I
hired her." I assured.

"Does she have a big
butt?" she asked.

I laughed, "No, that is not
why I hired her "

Satisfied, she turned away.
I was hardly going to tell
her that secretary was the
one who gave the best
blowjob in her interview.



Writing verse, a first
attempt.

I dig, you dig,we dig
He digs,she digs,they dig
we all dig

Not quite Haiku
But very deep

Thanks to Tim Vine for the
inspiration.



Latter we'll be discussing
the new craze of taking
ecstasy then having sex
on your back -coming
up whilst cumming up is
coming up.



I don't like being
called a racist. I
prefer ethnic
critic...



You know you're getting
old when you injure
yourself while vacuum
cleaning of all things. I'll
man up and save you the
tears but one thing I will
say is that at no point did
it feel like a blowjob.



Kids are so occupied by
their phones these days, in
20 years time they will be
saying
"Fuck me, how long has
there been a house next
door?"



The other day I saw a
video of an owner letting
his dog lick the inside of
his dishwasher.

Lucky girl.



My mate asked me where
I buy my disposable
gloves. "I don't buy them,
I just try on the ones lyi
about the car parks till I
find a pair that fits." He
said.."Seriously mate,
that is so dangerous,
you're putting yourself and
others at risk." "Fuck sake"
I replied..."I'm not totally
stupid, I turn them inside
out first."



I saw a black man in my
local pharmacy today, he
said, "I've had a migraine
for hours and I keep
coughing."

The pharmacist said
"Have you taken
anything?"

"No, not yet I haven't" he
replied.

The pharmacist said "Well
I don't fucking believe you!
empty your pockets you
thieving black bastard!"



"We've been married a
long time now love, we've
had our ups and downs,
remember that time you
got pissed and shagged
my brother?"

"Yes," she replied, "I was
so ashamed and I'm glad
you forgave me and never
mentioned it again."

"Well, I never mentioned
it because I shagged his
sister to get my own back,"
I replied.



What do you call an old
black guy?
Antique farm equipment.



I can't believe how upset
my wife got when I told
her I am considering
starting to keep a bear as
a pet.

She said she wasn't
worried about her safety,
just "competition " at the
fridge.



I'm not happy with the
body I'm in so I'm finally
going to do something
about it.

I'm going to fuck her
sister instead.



Has anyone else been
ripped off on eBay?

I bought a deep fat
fryer the other day
( supposedly brand new )

It had a chip in it .



Hands, Face, Space.
I was just wondering
if you have to quarantine
on your return from space.



In America,dogs are K9
In Korea they are E10.

[Bikkie]

My Ducky Dennis
made a right show
of me the other night
and slapped me
black and blue.
We were at a Burns
evening party and he
caught me sucking
off a big hairy kilt
wearing scotsman.
"Ducky" I screeched.
"You kmow I have bad
eyesight, I thought I
was playing a set of
Bagpipes."

Oooooooh




There's a certain host of
Loose women
whom I would like to take
swimmin'
when she's all nice and
clean
I'll tickle her bean
and give her one hell of a
rimmin;

Happy Burns Night

( It's Burns Night Tonight )



It's Burns Night once again.

I shouldn't have had that Chicken Phaal last night.





"Dad," said my son, "Will
you let me invite my
girlfriend over tomorrow?"
"I'm not sure," I said, "Ask
your mother."
So he went up to his
mother, "Will dad let me
invite my girlfriend over
tomorrow?"

[Piper]

Why did the man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.


How does a penguin build it's house?
Igloos it together.


Dad can you explain what a solar eclipse is?
No sun


What do you call a hunter without a nose and a body?
Nobody nose


Where do you take someone who has been injured
in a peekaboo accident?
The ICU


What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help I've fallen and I can't giddy up.


My friend 'TONY' asked me not to say his
name backwards.
I said 'YNOT'


Someone told me to list two structures
that hold water
And I was like...Well, Dam.


What do Aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects.


What do sprinters eat before they race?
Nothing they fast


What do does do at sleepovers!
They play truth or deer


What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.


Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.


What happened to the Turkey that go into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him


What do you call a twitching cow?
Beef jerky.


Why do people who live in Greece hate
waking up at dawn
Because dawn's tough in Greece.


Why are spiders smart!
Because they can find everything
on the web


My boss said dress for the job
that you want, not the job you have
So I went in as Batman.


Did you hear about the Italian chef
that died?
He pasta away...


What's a ducks favourite ballet?
The NutQuacker.


What would bears be without bees?
Ears.

[Bikkie]

What is the difference between Prince Harry and Queen Camilla.

Everybody was disgusted when Harry did Charlie.



William Shakespeare was actually a black woman, claims feminist historian and LSE graduate.

Makes sense. Black African women were well known for their mastery of the English language in the 1500's.



I don't think any of us will have to put up with Donald Trump's bullshit for much longer.

Latest pics I've seen of him, he's looking yellower than his family's service record.



News: Trump confuses Greenland with Iceland multiple times during speech.

I hate it when he's fucking one country while saying the name of another.




I got a Facebook ban for posting '8647', supposedly a coded threat to eliminate the 47th President of the USA.

It wasn't a threat, I was just posting Trump's IQ score.



Trump's signature is identical to the results from his lie detector test.




Trump offering to mediate Ukraine feels appropriate.

He’s always been very good at dividing things up and calling the result a success.




News: Trump confuses Greenland with Iceland multiple times during speech.

I hate it when he's fucking one country while saying the name of another.




In cinemas this Friday:

Melania, a biopic of the First Lady.

This could be the worst Brett Ratner flick since, well, all the others.



Someone broke into my car last night. They didn't steal or break anything, but left 4 tickets to the "Melania" movie. I didn't know that such horrible monsters existed.



If you're a criminal on the run from the law and need somewhere quiet to lay low for a while, the Melania Trump biopic comes out in cinemas this Friday.



It's so cold in America just now , even cryogenically preserved zombies are on the move




People are still shocked that two inches of snow could cause America to shut down.

But as I always tell the ladies -- sometimes two inches is all you need...



I feel as though me, the Beckhams and the Peltz’s move in different circles, if they think Brooklyn’s mum dancing weird ruined the wedding.

I’ve been to a wedding where the bride’s mother got her tits out and punched the cake.



As Katie Price weds for the fourth time, to a man she met online only days ago, it is revealed her new mother-in-law is a clairvoyant.

I don't reckon you need a fucking crystal ball to see how this ends.



Pakistani man lies on his death bed.

"Sanjita, my wife are you here?"
"Yes my husband" she replies.

"My son, my daughter are you here?"
"Yes Papa" they reply.

"Then who's minding the fucking shop?"




At the risk of offending a few cunts, I'm glad Captain Cook landed in Australia 250 years ago because I fucking love living here.



"Fuck… just walked past two deaf lesbians going at it in broad daylight—hands stuffed so far down each other’s knickers they were practically wrist-deep.

Mate… do you reckon they were just lip-reading, or were they actually finger-spelling each other’s orgasms?"




What starts with N, ends in R and is something you never wanna call a black person?



NEIGHBOUR



A black guy took a shine to my shoes today.

So he stole them.



I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say "You're next".

Well they soon stopped that shit when I started saying it to them at funerals.




Why did the woman cross the road?

Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?




100 years ago today:

On January 26, 1926, John Logie Baird conducted the first public demonstration of television in London, marking a significant milestone in communication technology.

What a monumental day in human cultural development that was.

Anyways, I'm off to watch Love Island.

[Piper]

"Anything these days," I
told my son.

He frowned a little

"What's that?" he asked

"Anything these days," I
said

"Huh?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I
said.

"I don't understand.
Explain?" he asked

"Anything these days" I
said

He sighed loudly.

"Are you crazy, dad?" he
asked

"Anything these days," I

said

"Dad snap out of it.
"What's going on?" he
asked

"Anything these days," I
said

"Dad! Dad! come on. Tell
me what you mean?" he
asked

There was a pause

"Anything these days," I
continued.

At this point he was
enraged and yelled, "For
fucks sake, I've had enough
of this nonsense.
What on Earth are you
doing? Have you lost
your mind? Jees.
You're driving me insane."

There was silence

"This is the world we live
in." I concluded. "You
can't say anything these
days without offending
someone."


My wife phoned me.

"There are two men
standing outside," she
whispered in a panic. "I
think they are going to
break in to our house."

I said, "If they force their
way in, don't let them have
anything good OK?"

"Ok, ok. I'll try my best!"
she cried.

I said "No television.
No Xbox, none of my
expensive shirts, OK?"

"Ok, ok!" she shouted.
"But-my goodness, honey,
what if they ask me for
sex?"

I replied, "That'll be fine. I
said anything good.


My wife said, "Take me
upstairs and make love to
me."
I replied, "I can manage
the stairs OR make love to
you. I can't manage both."


I went into a pub with my
miserable wife, ( this was
in the olden days when
you could do such a thing )
and said to the barman,

"A pint of butter and
something suitable for the
missus please."

"Ok," he replied the barman,
"two pints of butter it is
then."

BBC News Article: "I got a
job after 280 rejections"
Sounds a lot like my
marriage.


The kid of mine tore the
shop down in a spiteful
tantrum and made me
look a right twat just
because I couldn't find a
Coke bottle with his name
on it

Anyway, he settled down
a bit when I promised him
his face would be on every
milk carton in the country
soon.


Bangcock. Aptly named
after the reason people go
there.
And following that logic
the capital of Switzerland
should be Wingtax:
the capital of the UK
Grabdole and the capital of
Little St. James Bangkid.


I am smoking too much
I am going through two
lighters a day.


I thought my daughter
overdid it with her outfit
the day she started her
first professional job as a
Labour party operative.

She said, "Dad, modern
women aren't supposed to
dress for the job we have,
but the job we want!"

"You want to be a
whore?"


I scored a DJ job at the
AGM of the national
Dyslexia Association. The
party and dancing was
going well, but went ape
shit when I started playing
YMCA!!


I used to teach history, but
that's all in the past.

I started teaching biology
but my heart wasn't in it

I tried teaching chemistry,
but there were elements I
didn't understand.

I was offered a job
teaching maths, but
something didn't add up.

I was sent to Germany to
do food science that was
the wurst.

I've started teaching
physics, it got potential.


Just watched Close
Encounters Of The Third
Kind
Richard Dreyfuss ended
up abandoning his wife
and 4 kids, and flying off
with the aliens.
Many men have that
fantasy.


Take my advice and never
hire a Chinese prostitute.
Total waste of money.

Half an hour after you've
had one, you'll fancy
another.


"My Mum's sent us
some money for our
Anniversary."

"Spend it on yourself, love.

Treat yourself to a spa,
new make up, perfume.
Get your hair done and
teeth whitened if you
want."

"But it's supposed to be
for both of us "

"Trust me, it will be."


As I settled down on my
friends sofa for the night,
he said:

"So your missus kicked
you out 'cos you got
pissed on a fishing trip
and stuck your cock in a
net?"

"No mate, Annette."



What's the difference
between the National
Party and a pre-owned
condom?

They're both useless,
but at least the condom
is transparent.

And more charismatic.


My wife said, "For $20,000
would you sleep with my
best friend?"
I said, "Of course. But
where am I going to get
$20,000?"


My pregnant wife has
hinted she wants to name
our unborn son after a
screwdriver.

I'm pretty sure that
Flathead will get bullied in
school though.


I went speed dating earlier,
I asked the first woman:

"What three things do you
look for in a man?"

She said, "a sense of
humour, a big dick, and.
money-but I'd happy with
just one of them "

Tucking my chair in I said
"I'm so sorry for wasting
your time."

Jason got down on
one knee in front of his
girlfriend and started his
proposal' "Olivia, I love
you more than life itself.
I'm not as handsome as
my brother Jeff, I'm not
as clever as my brother
Nathan, I'm not as well
hung as my brother Dirk,
I'm not as athletic as
my brother Alan, I'm not
as rich as my brother
Travis...."
Olivia interrupted, "Oh
Jase, you know I really
love you too Hun, what
was that you were saying
about Travis?"


"Your hands are cold "
snapped my wife as I
climbed into bed and
groped her

"You know what they,"
I replied. "Cold hands,
warm heart..."

"In your case, pisshead,"
she sneered. "It's cold
hands, cold beer."


I said to my friend
earlier, "I'm staying in and
watching that 'Lock Stock
and Two Smoking Barrels
tonight "

"What," he said, "with
Jason Statham and Vinnie
James?"

"No mate," I said, "Just by
myself."


I saw a sign today that
made me piss myself.

It said, "TOILETS CLOSED "


I nominated my wife for
a CBE but I got a very
snotty letter back telling
me that 'Cunt of The
British Empire ' was not a
recognised honour.


I enrolled my gay son
in a boxing lesson to try
and toughen the little
faggot up, but he was not
enthused.

He said, "Dad, this is not
what I meant when I said
I wanted to be 'battered
around the ring!


Yesterday I bought 3
ounces of weed off my
local dealer and it cost
me £300.

Unfortunately the police
raided my house and
seized the lot.
Later I was charged with
possession of cannabis
with an estimated street
value of over £2,000.
When they asked if I
wanted to make a phone
call I said I'd like to
ring my drug dealer to
congratulate him on his
superb bargain prices.


Most of us know the late
Michael Hutchence as the
bloke-who was in INXS.

Where as to Bob Geldof
he's the bloke who was IN
HIS EX


I asked my French
girlfriend if she thought
watersports in the
bedroom was disgusting.
She said,"wee", So I did! All
over her face!

[Piper]

When I was a young boy
my father told me
white girls dated black
men because they have
big cocks!

Now I'm older I know
the truth, Easy access to
drugs!!!


I got stung in one those
scams where you pay a
sum into a scheme every
month, but then at the
end you find out there's
nothing left in the pot for
you.

National Insurance.


When the ex used to call
me Blackadder, I thought it
was because I was always
the wittiest and smartest
one in the room

Turns out it's because I
always Missed her bean.


My Asian mate just
packed his job in as a
gardener at the local
recreation ground
because everyone kept
calling him an offensive
name.

I said no they were calling
you parky you thick cunt.


I got my obese fat wife a
big black vibrating dildo

She just flared at me and
said, "Is this a windup?"

"No, if you look I think it's
battery powered."


My wife's fanny smells of
roses
But roses fanny is tighter...!


When I took up selling
crystal meth my neighbour
Abdul cooked in his
home to survive during
the lockdown, I told him I
was surprised he carried
on doing such a flagrant
drug dealing business.

"What do you mean , if
they didn't want us doing
this..then why would our
homes come installed
with a tub for only such a
thing?"


My wife often tells me
that I'm a sex God

Specifically, one of those
little cherubs with a baby-
carrot type micropenis.


I like my women how like
my advert calendar.
Against my wall, flaps
open ready to be eaten.


It's a right laugh being a
priest, every time I greet
people at a funeral I say
"morning!"
Then say "Oh, sorry yes
you are."


My friend works in I.T.
I asked him how do you
make a motherboard?
He said, I tell her about
my job.


Just saw a black guy
cycling off up the road on
a bike!
I thought it was mine but I
realised he was in the field
picking cotton.


The local stationary shop has
moved.
How ironic.


Earlier at the gym an Indian
bloke was getting ready to do
his set.

He asked, "Can you spot me ?"

I pointed to his forehead and
explained someone has already
drawn it on for him


My ex Ducky Denzel has just
got a coaching position with
Brighton Cougars basketball
team.
I miss the days when he used
to slam his balls against my
hoop

Oooooooooh


I asked the wife why she married
me?
She said it's because I'm funny.
I thought it was because
I'm good in bed? She said
"See! You ARE hilarious!"

I woke the missus up in the
middle of the night and told
her I was stressed and that
only a blowjob would help.

She said, "Where are you going
to find a cock at three o'clock
in the morning?"


Before I became a stunt man,
I trained to make mattresses.

Just incase I needed something
to fall back on.


"My shout boys, what are you
having?
"Fuck, it's after ten, sorry boys!

Jews in pubs


As I screwed my girlfriend in
the arse she shouted out
"What the hell are you doing!"

I replied, "You told me you
wanted your ring stretched."

She replied, "I meant my
engagement ring."


Last night.y wife suddenly
got hungry so she ordered
three extra -bacon-bacon
pizzas.

The delivery boy showed
up and he was a black kid,
and my wife took a look
at him when she opened
the door said, "Come on in
big boy, you can pound my
snatch like a screen door
in a gale!"

He just groaned and said,
"Ma'am, like we always tell
you, you have to actually
pay for your pizzas."


I just applied for a part
time job a Madame
Tussauds, tallying up
all the original face
moulds.

I was told just before
the interview that first
impressions count.


"I'm keen on the car you've
advertised and noticed
you're interested in a swap.
What would you like to swap
it for?"

"Cash"


I knocked on the door to
attend a heating breakdown
and a barely dressed blonde
answered the door, massive
tits dropping out of her
unfastened negligee and
the shaped of her neatly
trimmed bush gaping for
me to see.

"Is your husband in miss?"
I asked.

"What do you think? Will I
not do?" She asked

Err, no, not really I need
the car reversing out of
your driveway so I can
get my van in." I replied.


I had no excuse for not
getting my wife's name
tattooed down my two
inch cock like she
wanted.

Unfortunately, her fucking
name is Jo.


The IRA and the KKK had
a lot in common.
They both hated the Black
and Tans


What kind of girls are you
into?, I asked Sherlock
Holmes.
"Elementary," he replied.


Do women scream at the
point of orgasm?

They usually do When I
reach mine


"I finally got my tablet to
connect to the cloud."

-Moses 1241 BCE.


Why do women have
orgasms?
It's just another excuse
for them to have a moan.


Mutes are practically
unheard of.

[Bikkie]

Sir Keir Starmer will tour and meet China's leader Xi Jinping.

Later he will be congratulated by the Chinese ambassador, Hoo Cares...




I’ve heard Rio de Janeiro is home to 14 million brazilian people, ffs . how many is that?



Former Spandau Ballet singer Ross Davidson found guilty of rape and sexual assault.

The jury considered the victims' testimonies and know that much is True.




King Charles buys a Chinese electric car.

He said it was silent and deadly.

Or that's what the car recorded and placed on TikTok.




Fuck the Visa-free 30 day visit to China.
I want a Guarantee I can leave !



When the surgeon told me I needed a new kidney, I turned to my wife and asked her to check with the spares department.

"I wish you wouldn't call the kids that," she sighed.

[Bikkie]

I can’t believe they released the Epstein files to distract from the horrible "Melania" movie.



It takes balls to be a trans woman.




My parents disinherited me.

Sounds much better than they were on benefits.



Ad on Craigslist offers free tickets to Melania film, plus 50 dollars for staying for the whole movie.

That ought to get a few bums on seats.



The USS Abraham Lincoln Carrier Group has arrived in the Middle East. Trump has stated that if Iran doesn't make a deal, he'll order the Carrier group to power up its giant laser and project the movie, "Melania," all over Tehran until they eventually surrender.



New photos from the Epstein files show Prince Andrew on "all fours"

Guess that confirms his favourite age then.




Prince Andrew claimed he was at Pizza Express on the day he was fucking that underage trafficked lass.

Well, he was probably buying some 'cheese pizza' anyway.



Time for Andrew to play the KFC card ..




The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince!




I'm not going to joke about Prince Andrew's sexual preference.

That's infantile.





In the first Home Alone film, John Candy's character tells a brief story about a child who was locked in a funeral parlour in the same room as the corpse

Proudly presenting Home Alone 7, in cinemas this year!



Residents of Ukraine still freezing , despite one week Russian ceasefire.

But at least they are heating bricks instead of shitting them.



Iran Ayatollah's son has £100million in property on Billionaire's Row in North London.

He feels at home being close to the Jews



A blonde and brunette are walking along the street and the brunette turns to the blonde and said "my husband had really bad dandruff, so I gave him head and shoulders."

Then the blonde says "how do you give shoulders?"


'Melania the Movie' was disappointing, because I thought she might of got her tits out at least once....That's why I hate Donald, he stole my wank babe,the orange,right wing nasty man.
Melania,I fucking wank over you...
jimmysammy xxx


My darling Melania, This morning, I was having a wank, and I imagined you were sitting on my face wearing a pair of Donalds underpants.....When I shot my load, I screamed out your name....
Afterwards, there was a cup of tea on my bedside table...please say it was you who put it there
Jimmysammy xxx

[Bikkie]

I took my two children to an authentic Chinese restaurant last night.

As soon as we walked in the owner told me I was only allowed to bring one.



The Melania film is bombing so bad, you'd think it had a bunch of brown skinned children in it. Things have gone so horrible that they released more Epstein files as a distraction.



In online paedophile chatrooms, apparently 'Cheese Pizza' (CP) is coded slang for 'Child Pornography'.

A Lolita Margherita?




Trunt; any cunt stupid enough to still support Trump.



People are saying they can't believe Peter Mandelson is still a Lord after the Epstein revelations.

I can't believe there's a picture of him in his Y fronts - with a bird!.



As I sat at the traffic lights, a policeman drove up beside me and said, "Step out please, sir".
I said, "Is there a problem, officer?".
He said, "I have reason to believe you're drunk, sir".
I said, "Drunk?! I'm just an honest bloke trying to get home".
He said, "Well you're not going to get very far in that wheely bin".




Who the hell claimed Shakespeare was a black woman?

"Hear me now, whether y'all niggas is in effect or no, be fo' real,
Whether 'tis mo' cool to take it like a bitch
Or to get up and whup life fo’ how it disses you
And bust a phat cap in its ass, fo' shizzle..."

(You can write the rest.)




After narrowly missing out on the Premier League's Lowest Points Ever with Southampton last season, Adam Armstrong is moving to Wolves for another shot at it.



My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big cheese and ham salad sandwich.

"Don't eat it just yet, just hold the plate" I said.

Five minutes later I took it off her and threw it in the bin.

"What the fuck?!" she snarled.

"Remember this feeling," I said. "Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to hold you."




Why couldn't the knight pronounce the letter R?

There was a chink in the armour



Around the same time Sir Keir Starmer approved of this Chinese "super-embassy" in Central London, this Chinese bloke I know opened up a slaughterhouse near Battersea Dogs' Home.



Donald Trump must be shitting himself right now.

And then there's all that Epstein Files business, too.



Anybody else ever tried a 'rodeo'?
That's when you're fucking your mrs up the arse,then,as she cums,you call out her sisters name....then you fucking hold on boy!



One Day, Your Prince Will Come !




I took my blind girlfriend to the pictures and afterwards she said “isn’t life cruel, I was born blind and you without a nail on your thumb “



Andrew lost a title but gained a posh middle name ,

So it will soon be plain old Peter Benjamin ! Mandelson .


Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is embroiled in three scandals.

After hearing this, Donald Trump said, “Amateur.”

[Bikkie]

Irony
Pedophiles details being released on PDF files



What's up, Tiger Lily?.

Judging by the Epstein files, it was Woody Allen all along.



Lewis Hamilton, the motor racing ace, 41, is enjoying a 'secret romance ' with Kim Kardashian, 45.

He stated she is built for comfort and speed.



What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?

A spiiiiiiiiiider.......



I watched a Muslim man make himself disappear by magic, immediately after he shouted an incantation that sounded like "Allar Hoo-Akbar!"



Surgeons and rapists have this in common: they both wear masks and gloves and use sharp implements when on the job.



I just realised.

Donald Trump kept his copies of his Epstein Island trip videos in the East Wing.



What noise does James Bond doorbell make?

'Dong.....Ding Dong



Ariana Grande-'-'The only person who can watch a tennis match without moving her head




A guy I know feeds the apes at the zoo using a golf club

He's driving them bananas.





Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Yeah, They Met.

No Sweat...



Olympic Ski jump champion Marius Lindvik, is one of several ski jumpers found guilty of injecting their penises with acid, so that they glide longer.

He must have injected loads because he's been suspended for 3 months.



No no Gemma, me handing Jonnovox's arse to him on a plate isn't a meal. It's a figure of speech

[Piper]

A young couple were
sitting in a dark meadow
in the countryside getting
to know each other.She
just wanted to get on with
it, but he decided to show
off by naming some of the
stars and constellations
they could both see.

"Look" he said pointing
"that's Sirius, the brightest
star in the sky, also know
as the Dog star, and over
there is Betelgeuse, it's in
the Orion constellation,"
"All well and good" she
said, " but do you know
where labia minora is?"
He thought for a bit and
he pointed confidently at
Polaris, "there it is"

The walk home was very
quiet and seemed to take
longer than expected.


With my technique I can
get my woman moaning
really loudly every time!
Yep, just walk around the
living room carpet in my
work boots...


Men wake up as good
looking as they went to
bed

Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.


I cheated on my wife
with this other lady and
certainly the biggest
surprise of that night was
finding out at the point of
orgasm what a 'screamer'
is in the bedroom!

She left really fucking
upset and was saying
this shit that I might have
"Punctured her eardrum"


It takes your food seven
seconds to get from your
mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can
support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's penis
is two times the length of
his thumb.
Human thigh bones are
stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats
faster than a man's.
There are about one
trillion bacteria on each of
your feet.
Women blink twice as
often as men

The average person's skin
weights twice as much as
the brain.
Your body uses 300
muscles to balance itself
when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve
something, you cannot
taste it.
Women will be finished
reading this by now .
Men ..are still busy
checking their thumbs.


Got an annoying relative
or neighbour with a new
car and kids?
When you get the chance
to speak to the kids
without the parents about,
tell them to look out for
the Alexa button inside the
car, ( easy to identify as
it's marked 'sos' ). You will
have to stress that car
Alexa's might not sound
quite the same as 'House
Alexa's Ideally convey this
information just before a
long car trip/holiday.

Also works with gullible
adults.


Prunes
or nnenn
Because when you eat
food that looks like shit
and tastes like shit, you're
gonna shit shit.


A lady friend visited last
night so I thought I would.
cook dinner for her. The
first course went down
really well curried chicken
with fried rice. I then
served up the pudding, she
took one mouthful and
spat it out.
"What the fuck was that?"
she screamed.
"Arctic roll" I replied. "I
made it myself"
"Show me the recipe" she
said so I did.
"Do you see this" she said,
pointing to the vanilla.
essence
"Ah" said I , I didn't have
any, but I remember an
old saying of my mother
'tine is of the essence ' so
I used thyme instead.


We re-homed an
abandoned dog yesterday
Some callous fucker had
just left him tied to a post
outside the Co-op.

ways
When I used to fuck the
wife she called me Usain
Bolt

It wasn't a term of
endearment, it was
because I always came
first in under 10 seconds.


My Grandad told
me:
"When one door closes,
another one opens."

Lovely guy, but there
cabinet -maker.


My friend told me that
since moving to a small
town in Norfolk she's
never had a genuine
orgasm.

I asked her "which
town is it?"
"Fakeham" she replied.


My girlfriend said she
dreamt I bought her a
large diamond ring.

She asked, "What do you
think it means?"

I replied, *You'll find out
tonight "

I hope she likes the library
book, How to interrupt
Dreams.


I said to my wife earlier,
"I've arranged a play date,
with one of the girls from
Sarah's nursery she'll be
over at 10."

She said, "but I'm taking
Sarah to Alton Towers at
9"

" I know," I replied.


My wife is such a
hypocrite.

When our son returns
home with the police
after missing the whole
night, it's all hugs and
kisses and relief.

When I do the something,
I get slapped and yelled at

At her 21st birthday party
I presented 'Accidenta', my
first born,
with the actual condom
that had a hole in it.


My son came home from
school with a bloody nose
today,
I looked at him and shock
my head, "who the fuck
does that belong to you
fucking psychopath?"


I asked my doctor if he
could give me anything for
depression.

He said he had a spare
ticket to an all female
stand up night.


I went on a date with a
blonde last night and
she mentioned that
she enjoyed running
marathons.

"Oh" I said "so what
position do you usually
come in?" she paused
to think about it and then
said "missionary most of
the time, but you have to
put the work in."


I check my GRE score
406, not bad
but I don't know what
meaning is "not found"
behind.


"Fuck being a vegan," said
my wife, "those tiny trees
are disgusting and taste
like wood!"

"These are what's known
as Broccoli."


One of my happiest
childhood memories are
building sandcastles with
my dad. Until my mum
took the urn off me.