What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

My wife said” Let’s play doctors & nurses to add a bit of spice to our lives” So I put her on a trolley & left her in the corridor for a couple of days.


Hull v Bristol City held up due to a squirrel on the pitch

Tottenham are hopeful of signing it time for the north London derby tomorrow



The Dalziel and Pascoe reboot will see its iconic male duo replaced by two female leads.

That'll be great. When their periods sync up, they'll be just as angry as Dalziel once a month.



So,the other night,my girlfriend said "Tonight I want you to do something really kinky,anything,like,disgustingly kinky "
Naturally, I agreed.
In the morning she said,"I thought you going to do something really kinky last night?" Her face a picture of disappointment....
"I did" I replied, "I shat in your trainers...."



My girlfriend says she's afraid to walk through the streets of London alone at night.

To be fair to her, so am I. And I never eat fried chicken while doing so.




I told my wife that curling looked easy and I'd be good at it. She said I couldn't even sweep the kitchen floor properly.



The Israeli Winter Olympics team say they've been burgled and had their valuables and passports stolen.

Sounded believable, until the word 'Passports'.



Skiing legend Lindsey Vonn is evacuated off the mountain to the hospital after a high-speed crash during the Winter Olympics in Italy.

He was immediately admitted to the Schumacher ward.



I said to the wife, "You now remind me of an Elizabethan princess"

"Awww", she replied, "Is that because of my slim figure and olive complexion?"


"No. I've just given you syphillis"



Donald Trump said in an interview; 'I am, by the way, the least racist President you've had in a long time.'

He went on to add; 'Way less racist than that jungle bunny who got in a few years back.'



That video Trump sent out depicting the Obamas as apes was awful

Couldn't see a mug of PG Tips anywhere



Donald Trump said that he is not racist.

Because nothing proves you're not racist when you turn the

the Obama's into Apes...

[Bikkie]

Starmer faces call to resign from Scottish Labour leader Anas Sarwar and is said to be furious with the apparent betrayal

He ain't the only one. I'm gonna lose at least one of the regular customers to my rent-boy agency



President Donald Trump unleashed a blistering attack on Bad Bunny's Super Bowl halftime show, branding the spectacle as disrespectful to America on its biggest stage.

He never got over the star not being a Playboy Bunny.



You know your a really shit footballer when you are only a sub in a Saudi football league team.



I told my mate I was planning on taking my hobby of shagging my female relatives to the next level.

"Up the ante" he said.

"Yes, and probably the grandma as well" I replied.




Last night my wife sent a text, saying she was in casualty.

When I got home, I watched it for the whole hour never saw her once.

She still hasn't come home.

I'm starving.



A group of UK grandmothers posed nude for a calendar to help raise money for charity.

The charity was the "Wish We Were Blind" society...

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between Peter Mandelson's house and the Atlantic Ocean?

The Ocean's only got 1,300 small buoys




MILAN—Donald J. Trump celebrated at the Winter Olympics on Monday after winning the gold medal in the downhill presidency. Trump beamed as he stood on the winners’ podium, boasting, “Obama never won this.”
Notching a historic win, Trump set a new speed record for driving the world’s strongest economy into a ditch.
Despite his victory, he remained bitter about the Super Bowl halftime show, telling reporters that “Bad Bunny took a job away from an American bunny.”




US seized yet another oil tanker earlier today. Due to this, Disneyland has announced they are moving the anamatronic President Trump out of The Hall of Presidents, to The Pirates of the Caribbean.



I've always been too shy to ask the wife upfront to try new things.

So I'm getting Anusol tattooed on my cock.




So,that ultra-woke,left-wing loving,horsefaced actor and professional cry baby Olivia Coleman has announced that she's non-binary and has informed her husband that she identifies as a 'Gay Man'--- He won't ever sleep again incase he hears the buzz of a strap on.....




What's limp, grey and covered in shit?

Peter Mandelson's cock



Olympic Update: Trump wins gold in downhill Presidency.




Peter Mandelson let his country down.

He also let his trousers down...

[Bikkie]

The Tottenham fans are all celebrating the sacking of Thomas Frank. "Thank fuck we don't have to watch anymore his revolting habit of chewing his bubblegum with his gob wide open". (He copied the habit from Alex Ferguson convinced it was the secret of his success.) Just In passing, the national restaurant ban for them both is still in force.



“Man Utd football team has been colonised by niggers & Paki’s who contribute nowt & cost too much fuckin’ money”.

Sir Jim Ratcliffe.




My Paki neighbour said "If America lived by Sharia law, the Epstein files wouldn't exist."

I agree. Epstein would have been a Prophet.



Trump finally posts his formal believable excuse and apology for the Obama's "monkey pic".

"That's a completely real pic I found of Barry and Michelle at the beach shirtless."



It's a young African's first day off the boat and he's getting his papers done.

Name ?

Benji

Sex ?

With white women



Apparently, Peter Mandelson's reasons for leaving the role of UK ambassador to the USA had nothing to do with the Epstein files

He found out Kid Rock is actually 55



I'm not saying Epstein looks like the Fonz but...




I walked in the bedroom to find my wife's dead body laying there on the bed. I looked at her lifeless body and decided to have one more go on her.

Just as I was getting into it she opened her eyes and shouted BOO!

Honestly some people really are sick in the head!

[Bikkie]

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has no room for his 60-strong teddy bear collection at his new home in Sandringham.

He will have to leave them in his white van.




Starmer has ordered Jim Ratcliffe to apologise for saying 'the UK has been colonised'.

That's terrible! Us Brits would never do that kind of thing to anyone else, it's just not cricket...



50 vs 1: liberal Luke Beasley takes on a room filled with Trump supporters.

His anus will never hold up.




After Lewis Hamilton has started seeing Kim Kardashian romantically, F1 has announced today that Lewis is now under investigation for ignoring multiple red flags.



Why is the Jamaican flag green,yellow and black?

It's the colour bananas go.....



had no idea my kids were so good at playing the piano

I overheard the headteacher saying the school had been offered a million dollars if they could go to America and pull off Mendelssohn



My large wife fell asleep in public again and some kids stuck pink bubble gum in her hair.

I said, "I'll get some peanut butter."

She shouted, "eating a whole thing of peanut butter won't make me feel fucking better."



Starmer has ordered Jim Ratcliffe to apologise for saying 'the UK has been colonised'.

He's also got to retract his statement regarding the Emperor's nudity.



valentines day tomorrow and I have a dilemna i need help with. How many roses should i give my new girfriend? 1, 6, 12, or the whole tin?

[Bikkie]

It is Valentine’s Day,

And if you’re finding out right now,

you’re either single or you’re about to be single..



On Valentine's Day. If any of you are alone today,

I say it could be worse — you could be on The Epstein files...



The girlfriend said that for Valenite's Day, she wanted to be "swept off her feet and taken to the tropics."

So I reported her to ICE.




Fact: St. Valebtine was a Catholic priest.

Which is why to this day, men exchange candy for sex.



Prince Andrew: "Will you be my valentine?"

Girl: "Waaaaah! Gooogoogagagaga dribble blibble pffffft"



If you're in a restaurant with a full bottle of wine in front of you.....
She ain't turning up....Go home.



This Valentines Day, my wife got invited to a Regency-themed wedding, then she got banged in a supply closet by a coloured janitor there.

"Ooooh," she swooned, "It was just like Bridgerton.


The Telegraph has caused a stir with an article titled "In Defence of Child Labour"

Too fucking right. My neighbour Abdul has been banging his daughter for months and he doesn't even pay her!



Donald Trump has stated, "It's time to turn the page on the Epstein Files". It doesn't matter, because his name is on the next page too.




Trump thought he'd rename the Kennedy Centre for the Performing Arts after himself, but that's nothing.

In Australia, there's a whole beeyatch named after Bondi.



JD Vance announced he won't be getting his wife any flowers or gifts for Valentine's Day.
Apparently, he doesn't mind sleeping on the couch.





Whilst getting lunch, I said to my grandson, "Will you stop fucking embarrassing me ?"

"I'm sitting here eating quietly; what am I doing ?"

"Being mixed-race."

[Bikkie]

I was driving through Bradford earlier when my car was surrounded by a group of angry Muslims.

I locked my car doors faster than Jimmy Sammy locks the comments on his "jokes".




How can you tell the difference between a uk migrant and a Welsh man ?

It’s easy one will be stuck in a sheep and the other in a child 😂😂😂
By Andy baron




A hangover is your body's way of reminding you you're a dumb cunt.




Eric Trump: 'My Dad literally saved Christianity.'

He might have a point there.

Since Trump got back in, there has been huge upswing in people uttering the words 'Jeeesus Christ'.





Why are uk migrants no different than dogs ? Cause we bought them then we trained them bred them worked and sold them we even beat them and after all these years there still coming back 😂😂😂 by Andy baron





I know nothing about the Winter Olympics but whatever the Women's Skeleton is, Kelly Osborne must be favourite.

[Bikkie]

Never buy footwear from a pusher.
I bought a pair of cool shoes from my drug dealer, and I've been trippin' all day.




Who agrees? Nobody should be allowed to enter the UK, who can’t pronounce Worcestershire sauce.



SunOnline: Kier Starmer playing his weekly 5 a side football game 'I used to be FA registered'.

Used to be?. I'm pretty sure the FA don't delete those kind of registers.



Comedy 'patriot' and Ewok Powell wannabe Tommeh Robinson has fled the UK for safer shores, claiming he is a priority target for ISIS and needs funds urgently.

Anyone know how I can donate?

(to ISIS)



India v Pakistan cricket full of blatant hatred
Pakis taking a few days off hating jews



RFK Jr: 'I'm not scared of a germ. I used to snort cocaine off of toilet seats.'

Yeah, that's probably how he ended up with a brain full of shit.




Epstein Island PokéStop 'disappears' from Pokémon GO map.

Yeah, I'd heard you could stop in there to have a poke.



What’s the difference between an immigrant and a suicide bomber ?

1 only wants to fuck 72 virgins and the other wants to fuck the country




I went to a university lecture and it was a black woman saying things about how hate is bad and how we must feel love and compassion.

I guess animals do have feelings.

[Bikkie]

Are the Epstein Files to Jews what Bodycam footage is to blacks?



The family name is Lyon and my parents were keen naturalists. So I can understand why they called my brother Simba and my sister Elsa.

Search me why I was named Clarence.



A bloke at school said this summer he's going to be studying abroad. I replied "it's 2026 you twat. They're called women or bitches now".




At a "Stop the Boats" rally, all the regular people i was there with were cowering in terror that they might get arrested by Labour for anti-PC thought-crime, so to get their spirits up I strummed some Billy Joel Piano Man...

"Well we're all in the mood for a Felony, and you've got us feeling Alt-Right...."

[Bikkie]

Donald Trump has claimed the Epstein Files released so far completely exonerate him.


He told reporters, 'The kids in those pictures are all black and rectangular, and anyone who knows me can tell you how much I hate niggers.'




American conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been successfully sued for defamation after falsely claiming that Peter Mandelson was secretly a member of a Satanic sex cult.
The judge stated that the allegations were "baseless lies" that had caused "significant reputational harm" as he ordered Mr Jones to pay six million pounds in damages plus legal costs to the Satanic sex cult.




I went to see a faith healer yesterday What a waste of money She was so shit even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out




It's widely rumoured that President Trump is on the verge of making a public statement regarding the existence of extraterrestrials.

I can see it now.

'The question of whether or not we are alone in the universe has been answered.
Our security services have been aware for some time of alien life forms infiltrating daily life at all levels.
The aliens are shape-shifters, and capable of imitating anyone they observe.

So if the VHS tapes from Epstein Island get leaked, that wasn't me noncing them kiddies in them, it was the aliens!'



The Winter Olympics delayed because of a heavy snowfall....
You fucking couldn't make it up!




'Austria files terror charges after Taylor Swift concert threat.'
"I told them I was going to be singing and the cops arrested me!" She told Austrian reporters





After swallowing a bunch of synonyms, I woke up with thesaurus thrust I've ever had.



I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless, and now I’ve got over 100 squatters.




The new guy at work gave me a look and said I could come over to his house for some "Man Fun"

Awesome !! Hopefully he has PS5 and maybe an 85 inch flatscreen




Having enough of my "far-right opinions," to try and correct me my daughter tried to have me watch the debate skills of three of the newer limp-wristed left-wing jewtubers, Dean Withers, Adam Mockler, and "Parker-get-a-job".

Jesus, it's like if "being gay" and nothing else was solely manifested into three single individuals.



Every time Keir Starmer orders food in his local restaurant, the kitchen staff have to start cooking two meals in case he u-turns on his decision



Female, black RnB singers,
Why sing one note when 37 will do...ooooo..doo.dooooo Doooooo DOOOOOOOO

[Bikkie]

How come everyone is talking about prince Andrew ? I can’t really see that there is an issue.. all this fuss just because he played the fiddle as a kid


Did you hear what happend to the kids Prince Andrew Molested?

They were royally fucked



How did they capture Andrew?

Fat finger prince



Prints, Andrew



Oh, the former Duke of York,
He's in the news again,
He got his rocks off with some underage girls,
Now he's headed to the Pen...



Andrew's birthday party has been ruined and the former prince left devastated after it turned out that the police strippergram actually wasn't.



Fair play to Andrew Windsor. He didn't resist arrest at all and even provided his own handcuffs




Sixty-six clickety nicked!




Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has been arrested on suspicion of misconduct in public office.

Finally, he has somewhere to live.



Andrew Windsor has got himself a new 4x4

It's called a prison cell



" It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to , lie if I want to......."



Does anybody know if Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has been arrested?
There's been no mention of it on the telly.....



Happy birthday to you,
from the Boys in Blue,
Happy birthday dear Andrew,
You're royally screwed



Nonce upon a time, there was a prince called Andrew....



Andrew Mountbatten Prisoner



Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has been arrested.

If convicted he could go from a situation where his entire life is paid for by the taxpayer to a situation where his entire life is paid for by the taxpayer.



According to Sky News Andrew Windsor has kept a relatively low profile of late, but was spotted riding last month

Safe to say, whatever it was, it wasn't a horse



Right now, every Judge in the land is in front of a mirror practicing saying 'Andrew Mountbatten Windsor' to make it sound like 'Norman Stanley Fletcher'.



Good morning Andy, here’s your porridge, happy birthday.



'Good evening, you are watching BBC 1.
Unfortunately our scheduled viewing of Walt Disney's animated classic 'Sleeping Beauty' has been cancelled due to unforseen technical difficulties.
We will instead be showing a broadly similar film as a suitable alternative:
'Panorama Investigates: Prince Andrew and the Coma Ward' airs tonight at ten.'



My new dating profile.

I’m 55, 56 on Saturday. I have the mental age of a 21-year-old, and the body of a 103-year-old,

I have all my own teeth; I put them in a cup of water every night. I've nearly paid for them all.

I have an IQ of 132......................monkeys.

I believe in God, she doesn't believe in me.

One leg is longer than the other, which could be a handicap to some, but it's great for walking around hills.

My love life is great; one time I nearly had sex.

I was married with an 18-year-old, that didn't work out so i married a 42-year-old.

I like children. Other people’s children.

I was married for 18 years, 12 of that was in prison, lovely cellmate.

I'm very particular about who i date, they must meet certain requirements. Ie, be a woman.

I'm looking for a girlfriend aged 18 to 85, but I will consider older women if they are rich. And nearly dead.

I'm on only fans. I've bought 2 already, great when it's hot.

I'm also on plenty of fish. I like fishing.

I have my own hair. Just not on my head.

I work out every day or try to. I try to work out why women won't date me.

I had my first love when i was 15. She was 57, but she lied about her age, she told me she was nearly 80.

I'm looking for a blonde-haired female aged 18, either a woman, or a pet dog.

My hobbies include singing (in the shower) and making love. To my blow-up doll. I get through a book a week, longer if i run out of crayons. I like jigsaw puzzles. I did one in 1 year once, which was good as it said on the box 3 to 5 years.

My mum says I'm handsome. But what does she know, she’s my mum (I think)

I live in a shared room. Well, it's a police cell, but at least it's a room.

Thanks for reading. For those who are blind, here’s some braille. ...;;;;::::

Message me if you like what you see. Message me if you don't, just message me.

You can also email me, but don't send me penis enlarger emails, as they don't work.

Hope you liked my dating profile. I don't.

Oh yeah two facts about me, one true, one a lie. Ive been to Paris, and my penis is bigger than 2 inches. Paris was lovely in the summer, i really enjoyed it.



Season 7 of "The Crown"

Now available on the dark web


Alien , gone cold turkey for light years , lands on Earth , says
"Take me to your dealer ! "



A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in first class on a flight out of NYC.

Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt sign was turned off, the flight attendant began taking drink orders.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey. It was brought to him right away and placed in front of him.

Then the flight attendant turned to the Mormon and asked what he would like to drink.

The Mormon replied,
“I would rather be raped by twelve wild whores than let demon liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman quietly handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
“Same here. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

[Bikkie]

Trump must be losing his hearing as he gets older.

Congress ordered him to release all the sex files, not the X Files.


What will history remember more?

Katie Price & Peter Andre or Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor?




What does a prisoner take these days for upset stomach or indigestion?

Andrews



Forensic officers who examined Andrew’s electronic equipment said that, in 43 years on the force, they had uncovered the most horrific footage they had ever seen.

Turned out to be home footage of Fergie getting undressed.



Andrew Windsor has been asked to appear in a documentary about his life. However,he will only have a nonce speaking part.



Coming soon to Stratford-on-Avon:

'The Tragedie of Hif Royale Highneff PRINCE ANDREW Duke of Yorke, being an Hiftoricalle Drama in five actf'.


Jeffrey Epstein, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and Donald Trump walk into an Irish themed pub in New York.

The bartender says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again!"


Oh, the randy Prince of York,
He had ten thousand pounds,
He marched them up to Hill House
To see some naughty rounds.

When he was up, he was up,
And when he was down, he was down,
And when he was only halfway up,
He claimed he couldn't sweat a pound!

His Pizza Express alibi,
Was weak as watered gin,
He couldn't sweat that fateful night,
Or say where he had been.

The Epstein files grew thick,
With names and sordid deeds,
But Andy kept his Royal Lodge,
Despite the public pleads.

The Queen stripped his titles,
The public called him "Randy Andy,"
Still he clings to his grand home,
Living life quite handy.

Oh, the randy Prince of York,
His royal days are done,
Now he walks his corgis alone,
Without a single gun.



0 % chance that Prince Andrew will ever face real justice.

Tomorrow he'll be growing a bushy beard, wearing a robe, and leading prayers every day at the local mosque.



It’s been reported that the Royal family has split into three rival groups.

The three families are the Royals, Randy Andy's & Spare...



Whilst most of the country is focusing on one nonce, there is still thousands flooding our boarders on dinghy’s that we should be more worried about.

I mean who would you rather, I don’t know about you but it would definitely sound more impressive telling your mates you got SA’d by a Prince




The weather here is like the Royal family,

Minus 1



Andrew Mountbatten Windsor is such a mouthful.

Is it an Andygram of his original name?



Andrew Mountbatten Windsor is such a mouthful.

Or about half a mouthful according to his victims



I doubt if Andrew's too bothered about losing eighth place in the line of succession.
He's more worried about being in line for a shower at Pentonville Prison.




In "diversity Training" this fat lady started talking about "The Patriarchy" and the imperative to completely reverse the traditional power structures in this country.

"Great, to the kitchen with you then."




I went in the local paki shop i said you got any black bags Abdul yeah she's at home with the daughter



How about a round of applause for our dentists? They do it all!
Cleaning? No problem!
Cavity? Piece of Cake!
Need a crown? You got it!
Identify my charred remains? Too Easy!




DID YOU KNOW ….

That in the bible god created Adam and Eve…

Not Adam and Steve ….

He created Sykes … so we wouldn’t drowned..

He convinced pork hating prophets to add ham into their names ….

But shit stabbing had no mention at all …




I saw a bumper sticker that read, "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal." I realized at that moment how many proctologists are on the road.



I use to work in a big butchers warehouse We tried walkie talkies to communicate Trouble was they never worked Too much crackling



Why don't niggers go on cruises?
They're not falling for that one again...