What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Somebody yelled, “Shots!” and Kash Patel and Pete Hegseth said, “Whiskey, or tequila?”


It actually wasn't gunshots last night at the correspondents dinner. It was Erika Kirks pyrotechnics.

President Trump survives another assassination attempt.

Now, Trump is trying to get California deported...



I smell Trump has shit himself again




How do you circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers



What do you do if you see a herd of rhino coming?
Swim for it



What is the biggest drawback in the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin



A new app in Germany can let you know if there's any actual Nazis in your family tree.

It's perhaps why Uncle Dieter and Aunt Elsa in Dusselldorf haven't spoken to me for awhile now.



What's white and comes in pints?
Milk




What comes after death?

Necrophiliacs


I was out with my Harley-Davidson Fat Boy and some guy asked me, "when did you get your hog ?"

"I met her 35 years ago in some bar," pointing at the Bitch Seat



My wife denied she was a Lesbian but it wasn't long before cracks started to appear in our marriage.



How do we know that Jesus wasn't an American?
Because he healed the sick for free.



My new girl and I are so in love,

Sometimes we don't even look at our phones.



My wife says I need to get my drinking under control.

I know she's overreacting, and yet neverthetheleses Iam am abbotu to atteend myy frist Alchlololoicuus Anomonomyomoyous sesion.




Running in your 50s is a great way to meet people. Today I met 1 paramedic, 2 nurses, and almost Jesus.



I was on a date with another woman, and just before the lovemaking she "thought it so romantic that I started singing Bruce Springsteen's 'I'm on Fire'."

What a time for my gonorrheas to start acting up.



Have you heard the one about the Muslim who had a massive penis?

He was hung like a gay Iranian



I was surprised when this younger girl said her favorite movie was something like "The Goonies."

I thought she would enjoy it more when I then showed her my own One-eyed Willy.

[Bikkie]

Having just seen the new Michael Jackson film, I can confirm he finally got the whitewash he was always after.

It was Bad.


Walked past a tart on the street and a gust of wind blew her dress up. I remarked, "Ooh, airy, isn't it?" She responded, "What did you expect? Feathers?"



I once had to watch kids and their mother said, "she likes a story with a happy ending."

3 days later my wife's sister is screaming at me about her traumatised niece hearing about my trip to a Turkish bath.



It was the wife's birthday and she demanded I take her out for an expensive Porterhouse.

I did one better and knocked her out cold with a Chuck Norris roundhouse.



For a party that hates guns so much the USA Democrats sure do use them a lot...




Did you know that Brian Eno has a brother that doesn't really know a lot.
His name is Howard....

The judge in the Starmer rent boy arson trial, has told the jury that they don't need to consider any motive for the offences.

In other words, there's no need to be anal about it.


My family say I’m emotionally distant.
I told them to fuck off by email.



A guy from a staunch Conservative family married a woman from a hard left Labour family.
He has a little too much to drink at the reception and foolishly proposes a toast. “To the Conservative and Unionist Party§, he slurs.
The wife’s family immediately get up and leave the venue.
Later that evening, the couple are in the honeymoon suite preparing for bed but silence prevails.
The guy feeling rather perky and decides to try his hand. His missus isn’t having any of it though and feigns sleep.
He lays there with a massive hard on and can’t get to sleep, so he tries it on again. Still no joy.
After a third failed attempt, he decides to have a wank to rid him of the hard on, which by this time is getting painful.
In the meantime, his wife takes pity on him and decides to give in tactfully.
John, she whispers, There’s a split in the Labour party and if the Conservative candidate decides to stand, there’s a good chance that he’ll get in.
Oh for fuck’s sake, says John, the fucking Conservative candidate has already stood three times and failed to get in, so he went independent and lost his bleeding deposit.




How do you determine the sex of a chromosome?


Take down it's genes .



Immigrants do the jobs Brits don't want to do.
Like voting for Keir Starmer.



Pinocchio's girlfriend approached him and said angrily, "You're cheating on me, aren't you!?"

To which he replied, "Not now. We can talk about this over the phone later."



My daughter's coloured boyfriend wants to be a thief, but hasn't yet worked up the balls to do it for real.

He currently goes around taking the items out of people's shopping trollies before they've paid for them.

[Bikkie]

Iran should surrender to the US if Trump can successfully draw a replica clock.



Somebody asked Melania Trump if she bleaches her asshole. She said, "No, he gets spray tanned."



Folks are going to start taking Donald Trump's philandering a lot more seriously, once he thoroughly fucks 8 billion people



Somebody told Trump that astronauts wear diapers, and all of a sudden, he thinks he is highly qualified to be one.



The bus driver who drove his bus into the river near Paris was asked, in court, how do you plead?

He answered: Guilty, but in Seine.



'Keir Starmer booed visiting sight of Golder's Green terror attack.'

That's not news. He probably gets booed in Sainsbury's.




Betting on sports is pointless. You can't bet on referees and umpires who win every bloody time.




I was out walking the dog, when I found a round piece of black plastic.

I threw it, like a frisbee and it disappeared into the distance.

It must have gone at least 400 yards.

I wonder if that was a record?



We had a competition at work for the 'BEST DAD JOKE'.

Mine was ..............

Josef Fritzel walks into a bar with a newt. The barman says 'What's your newt's name?' and Josef says 'Tiny......because he is my newt.'

I came last in the competition.

Apparently it was a terrible dad joke.



I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
Now I live in constant fear.



Little known fact, Phil Spector's brother, Crispin is head of quality control at Walker's crisps...



I've been surprised to find out my wife's always on her mobile and now playing hardcore in this American-Football fantasy league.

Three times she got up and waddled off to the bathroom shouting "Time for me to take the Browns to the Superbowl !"



Last winter the kids were making a snowman and asked their mother for help, and they said "We're making daddy !"

My wife said, "Here's a little baby carrot for the dick.'



Can a bad Altarnator cause the Catholic Converter to go bad




Peter Kay gig evacuated mid-performance as comedian is ‘bundled off stage’ after suspicious bag found & man arrested, looks like the audience had a lucky escape in more ways than one .



I've realised that working the doors, is a bit like gardening.

You don't need a big spade to do it.



The police called me up and asked about my wife's whereabouts one Friday night.... I replied, "She's always out doing Bingo."

At least I think that's the stupid name that African fucker had for himself.



My daughter announced she was going to start a relationship with an African immigrant and I said, "If you do, you're done for."

I was close to changing my mind a few minutes later when my eyes were popping at seeing the figures of just how much she'd now be claiming in benefits.

[F5 Dave]

Let's talk stupid.

AI Overview +3 On May 1, 2026, political commentators described a conflict over Iranian emails between New Zealand politicians Winston Peters and Christopher Luxon as "dumb on so many levels," noting it as a moment of chaotic political infighting

[Bikkie]

I was invited to a gender reveal party last Friday.

Never again. I felt a rught cunt, I was the only one naked.



I love how the rise in popularity of building Ai data centers has correlated with an inverse in climate change alarmism.



I proved once and for all that disgusting liberal social-engineers have been carrying out an agenda to make the entire Western world gay.

"They said the American barbeque game of Lawn Darts was "dangerous", and had it deliberately replaced with soft bean-bags and Cornholing."




Bukkake is technically a baby shower



I identify as a wheelie bin...

My partner never knows whether to take me out on Monday or Thursday...



We had to go to my nephew's school event and unbelievablely they had a full-on drag queen on for one of those "storytimes". Everyone else told me I was "overreacting", but I seemed to be the only one upset about it.

"The bedtime story he read was 'Goodnight Moon, Goodnight Virginity'".


Whats the difference between Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman? Holly swollowed



With the right amount is anxiety,
all pleasures are guilty pleasures.



What do you call a Jewish detective?

Shylock Holmes



Former Bay City Rollers manager Tam Paton ‘100%’ involved in paedophile ring, inquiry told
Bye bye baby baby goodbye



Last night i was getting followed by a black man so i instinctively grabbed my wallet.....then i remembered that you can't buy them anymore

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between a box of eggs and a wank?

I've never been arrested for spying on women getting undressed while having a box of eggs



We were at a pub quiz this weekend and one of the questions was "name the three wives of Donald Trump." I said it was Ivana, Marla Maples, and Melania, but my wife angrily contested me that one Trump's wives was instead Ivanka and I insisted "that's the daughter."

"I'm sure Trump got Ivana and Ivanka mixed up a bunch of times in the bedroom as well."



A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon



I did a pie-in-the-face prank on my wife hitting her with a meringue, and she got up in a fury to chase me and hilariously collapsed in a heap.

I had also tied her shoelaces together as well.



My daughter brought home her first black boyfriend to my unawares, and he surprised me when he was looking like Count Chocula. He explained he dreamed to be a magician and I asked him if he knew any tricks ?

"Yea, I make my 14 inch cock disappear in your daughter's tiny arse."





Asking the American government to arrest the pedophiles is like the Americans asking Miley Cyrus to arrest Hannah Montana.




What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?


You can beat an egg.



We once had to go to a very pretentious work event, and once there the doorman greeted us with how we were addressed on our reservations and said, "Monsieur, Madame, and young Master Bates."

"Well, we're doing all we can to get him to not do it in public so much."



I met Tom Hanks and asked him for his autograph.

All he wrote was "Thanks"

How rude.





Only a matter of time until the Scientology Speed-Runners find the clitoris.




Prince Harry once met Ed Sheeran at some event, and Sheeran suggested, "What if we 'Swap Places' one night so I can have the experience, if you know what I mean... Meghan would never know."

Prince Harry said "Fine," and Sheeran spent a lonely night in a bedroom quietly masturbating whilst Meghan was elsewhere getting banged by her huge black bodyguard.

[Bikkie]

Driving barefoot must be like how it feels when they connect their hair to the Tree of Souls in Avatar.



Words with different meanings, no 605

" Dim Sum "

Mike Tyson expressing irritation at the first digit of his hamd



Why do turtle doves come in pairs?

Cos apples sting their cocks



Jamie oliver has a new series called Ultimate BBQ....He should have called it Spit Roast



Met a nymphomaniac who loves it from behind when you pull out at the end.

Not telling anyone who she is because I've put a target on her back now.



My wife asked me to get some Black Cow's Milk on the way home .

Or Whipped Cream as she likes to call it.



I want to publicly apologise for my grotesquely inebriated behaviour last night, where I smeared shit all over my face and started pretending to be a so-called "gangsta rapper".



My wife threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

I'm in the hospital with super fish-oil injuries.





How do you circumcise a gypo?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

Mum mum which way do my knickers go on?

Told you before yellow at the front brown at the back.



I thought gold was always the best currency, but it turns out Blackmail is the greatest of all currency.



Paddy: I want to live until I'm aged 100.

Murphy: Why?

Paddy: Because very few people die over the age of 100.




What does the hantavirus and Trump have in common?

I don't give a rat's arse.





I've never understood men who use massage parlours that offer a 'happy ending'.

Why would you pay to tell a clumsy woman; You did your best, I'll take it from here?.



Alex Jimenez has been dropped by the Cherries, after being caught trying to pop one.


Diane Abbott was visiting a school when she noticed a boy standing alone on the field while all the other kids were running around having fun. Feeling sorry for him, she walked over and asked:

“You alright?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“You can go and play with the other kids, you know,” she said.

“It’s probably best if I stay here,” he replied.

“Why’s that?” asked Diane.

“Because I’m the bloody goalkeeper.”



I went to a fancy dress in costume as Toad from Mario Brithers, but I just didn't fit in.

Im just not a Fun Gi



My dentist has been struck off the medical register for dealing in drugs!

Fuck me, I've been using him for the last sixteen years and never knew he was a dentist!



Out of the millions of Generals in Chinese history, how come only 1 had a chicken recipe?



I went for a check-up on my prostate gland.

The doc shoved his finger up my chocholate starfish and said, "don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection when during the procedure."

I said, "I haven't got an erection!"

Sorry, he said, "I was talking to myself."



An older black man that looked like Bill Cosby was on the telly giving a "Real Talk" to the black community.

"Why you's all wastin yo' time with all da gangs and knife-crime and dis foolishness that gets you in trouble ?.... Just be smart like me and sit at home and watch TV all day and collect dem benefits."