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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1636
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The new Bond
    movie is to be
    called: No Time To
    Die.The orginal
    title,Black Lives
    Matter,would
    have given away
    the plot twist.


    James Bond hits
    upon hard times
    and finds himself
    facing a job
    seeker interview.
    "Well Mr Bond
    we have two
    positions we can
    offer you.One is
    giving lectures to
    children on the
    benefits of a
    career in military
    intelligence,and
    the other is in
    the fabric staining
    department of a
    Yarm mill." "Do
    you expect me to
    talk?" "No Mr
    Bond,I expect
    you to dye."


    There was a
    rumour the next
    007 would be
    Idris Elba,now
    it's that could be
    a black woman.
    What a drag



    My son is a man
    trapped in a
    woman's body...
    He will be born in
    February.


    "Dad other kids
    at school keep
    saying I'm
    racist." "Which
    kids son?" "The
    niggers."


    I regret rubbing
    ketchup in my
    eyes.But that's
    Heinz sight for
    you.


    In the news:
    Sharp rise in
    women caught
    carrying knives.
    Before you start
    to panic I want to
    ask one
    question? Were
    they all in the
    kitchen?

  2. #1637
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I hate twats that
    say,"Oh my god
    it's to die for."
    I bet it's not.....
    And if it was
    why are they still
    fucking here?


    I went up to a
    girl at the bar
    and said,"I'd love
    to find out if
    you're as
    gorgeous on the
    inside as you are
    on the outside."
    she said,"Oh,
    that's so sweet!"
    I replied,"So is
    your minge in
    good shape
    then?"


    How does Bono
    make a bow and
    arrow? With or
    without yew.


    Prince Harry's
    Invictus Games
    is being sponsored
    by Britain's
    biggest arms
    dealer.That's like
    the wife's sex
    drive being
    sponsored by
    Pornhub.


    The lastest R.A.F
    recruitment
    campaign depicts
    a black woman
    with aspirations
    to fly fighter jets.
    Chocs away!


    There are three
    words in life that
    will open a lot of
    doors for people.
    Please,push and
    pull...


    Don't see many
    homeless women
    do ya?


    A lot of men who
    are against
    marriage say
    "Why buy a cow
    when you can get
    the milk
    elsewhere for free?"
    A lot of women
    who are against
    marriage say
    "Why but a pig
    when all you get
    is a little sauage?"


    As a BMW driver
    I can confirm that
    we do use our
    indicators.In fact
    we use all 4 of
    them at the same
    time whenever
    we are parked at
    a bus stop,
    disabled bay or
    double yellow
    lines.BMWs even
    have a special red
    triangle on the
    dashboard,which
    is called a "park
    anywhere"
    button.It does
    what it says on
    the tin.Park
    anywhere press
    the red triangle
    and all 4
    indicators come
    on at once.
    Guaranteed traffic
    warden proof.

  3. #1638
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Sick Text Jokes

    Mexican drug lord
    El Chapo
    sentenced to life
    in prison.
    Meaning he
    should be home
    in time for
    christmas.


    My wife's been
    working a lot
    lately and looking
    a bit pale,so I told
    her to take a day off
    and get some colour
    back in her cheeks.
    I think she took
    it a bit literally,
    as I came home early
    and found her with
    Tyrone up her arse.


    I really am Gods
    gift to woman
    I'm a cunt.


    A wasp flew into
    the living room
    today,so I
    grabbed a rolled up
    newspaper and
    handled the
    situation in the
    best possible way.
    By going for a shit
    and leaving the
    wife to deal with it!


    I'm going on a
    speed awareness
    course in the
    morning.I'm
    gonna snort a
    gram before hand,
    just in case I drift
    off.


    When it come to
    motorcycle
    jokes..I Triumph
    everytime.

    I've just fucked
    Mary Poppins
    virgin daughter,
    Cherry,Cheery
    Poppins.


    Tried to sell my
    grandad's old
    pocket watch to a
    prositute.She
    fobbed me off in
    the end.


    Why bombard
    people with ads
    for "singles in
    your area" and
    "increase your
    penis size" when
    they're browsing
    porn? It's like
    being called a fat
    bastard and told
    to go on a diet
    whilst looking at
    a Mc Donalds
    menu.

  4. #1639
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
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    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    So let me just
    get this straight:
    You shagged my
    Mum,and I'm
    supposed to get
    you a thank-you
    card?


    I wonder if
    Samuel L Jackson
    has sent his
    father a "Happy
    Motherfuckers
    Day" card today?


    Photograph of
    Meghan and
    Harry's adorable
    son holding
    Harry's hand on
    Father's Day.
    Harry to Meghan
    "What happened
    to my watch?"


    After all of the
    years of wiping
    arses,taking
    them to things I
    don't want to,all
    the money I've
    forked out for
    Birthdays and
    christmas,
    driving them to
    and from
    places...It's nice
    to finally feel
    appreciated after
    all of that for a
    pair of new socks
    and a chocolate
    Toblerone.


    "What did you
    get your Dad for
    Father's Day,
    Leroy?" "A
    private detective."

  5. #1640
    Join Date
    6th June 2008 - 17:24
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    Behind keybd in The Tron
    Posts
    6,457
    "...and a chocolate
    Toblerone."


    Best I be talking to my kids 'bout that!
    . “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis

  6. #1641
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
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    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I just asked this lady
    if I could touch her hair?
    She said Yes...so I
    rubbed my finger across
    her top lip,and that's
    how the fight started.


    My wife's been working
    a lot lately and
    looking a bit pale,so
    I told her to take
    a day off and get
    some colour back
    in her cheeks.
    I think she took
    it a bit literally,
    as I came home
    early and found her
    with Tyrone up
    her arse.


    What's the difference
    between a snarling
    Rottweiler biting
    your leg to the
    bone,and my wife
    complaining about
    me chatting up the
    barmaid at our
    local?
    The Rottweiler
    will eventually
    let it go.


    One scientist said
    to another."I
    know your idea
    works in practice,
    but will it work in
    theory."


    I faked an
    orgasm so she
    wouldn't feel
    bad...The female
    doctor doing my
    prostate examination
    wasn't impressed


    Paddy has taken
    down all the
    shelves,book
    cases,and even
    ditched a plate
    stand in his house.
    He said his new
    girlfriend told
    him she has
    terrible
    Aracknophobia.

  7. #1642
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
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    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Can I make up a
    car joke on the
    spot I hear you
    ask? Corsa can.


    When I was
    young I used to
    worry because I
    owed money to
    people.Now I'm
    older I realise
    that it's the
    people I owe
    money to who
    should be
    worried.


    He's so up
    himself,he refers
    to cum as "Creme
    de la penis."


    When my ex
    moved out she
    took my
    favourite James
    Bond DVD with
    her and left an
    oasis CD in its
    place.When I
    realised what
    she'd done I
    stormed round to
    her house and
    swapped them
    back.After all,
    it's my
    Thunderball.


    Had to inform the
    bank today about
    a change of
    address.They
    told me to stop
    wasting their
    time as my
    transvestite
    activities were of
    no interest to
    them.


    I couldn't believe
    it when I actually
    got fined for
    "failure to control
    my erection in
    public!" The
    inspector though
    said that it was
    the worst case of
    wobbly scaffolding
    that he ever
    seen.


    What's the world
    coming to? I'm
    now under
    investigation just
    for wolf-whistling
    at attracting girls
    who walk past the
    building site....
    Fuck knows who's
    going to fix that
    schools roof now.


    Golf the only time
    filling 18 holes in a
    day can be
    enjoyed with
    family.


    I was going
    through a messy
    divorce and
    getting screwed by
    my wife's lawyer
    when I found an
    old lamp.I rubbed
    it and a genie
    appeared."Thank
    you for freeing
    me," he said."In
    return I grant you
    3 wishes." "Oh!
    this is great," I
    said."For my first
    one I wish I had an
    inexaustable
    supply of cash."
    puff! A wallet full
    of $20 notes
    appeared."No
    matter how much
    you take out,it
    will always be
    full," said the
    genie."Oh, fantastic!"
    I said.
    "Oh,I wish I had
    a 19 year old
    nymphomaniac for
    a mistress!" Puff!
    A scantily clad nubile girl
    appeared and
    started purring
    over me."This is
    superb!" I cried,"I
    wish my bitch of a
    wife was here to
    see this..."No!...wait!"

  8. #1643
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Angry Sick Text Jokes

    I see the new
    2020 cluedo
    games has a black
    man in it... ...So
    now we know
    who's done it
    even before the
    game fucking
    starts.


    Just been playing
    the new 2020
    edition of
    'Cluedo' and I have
    to say it is much
    more realistic....
    It was
    Mohammed in
    the Market with a
    machete.


    I reckon Adele's
    Glastonbury
    performance sped
    up suddenly towards
    the end.
    Turns out she
    saw the queue at
    the hotdog stand
    had gone
    down.


    Cliff Richard has
    marked Fireman
    Sam being retired
    as a Fire Brigade
    mascot to
    increase diversity
    by releasing a
    new version of
    one of his old
    hits.Goodbye
    sam,hello to
    Sambo.


    AIRLINE Pilots,
    win public
    support and
    negotiate pay
    increases of
    however much
    tou like by going
    on strike when
    you reach
    cruising altitude!


    I was standing
    behind Mick
    Jagger at a
    burger van earlier
    when he ordered
    a slice of granite
    in a bap."That
    can't be very
    tasty Mick" I
    said.He replied
    "I know,It's only
    Rock in a Roll but
    I like it.


    EVERY day is "Black Friday" if
    you're a kardashian.

  9. #1644
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
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    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "Meghan Markle
    crowned Britain's
    top social climber
    by Tatler as posh
    society magazine
    claims she's
    reached the
    pinnacle of the
    greasy pole." I've
    never heard
    prince Harry's
    bellend referred
    to in the media
    as that before.


    "I'll do
    everything your
    wife wouldn't
    dream of doing,"
    said this
    prosititute.
    "Great," I
    replied,"Can you
    start with
    cleaning the
    house and then
    doing the
    ironing?"


    "Do you think I'm
    sexy?" "Fuck me,
    I can't win.You
    told me
    yesterday not to
    lie to you again."


    I said to Leroy
    "You'll always be
    discriminated
    against because
    you're black."
    "Tell me
    something I don't
    know," he said.
    "The name of
    your father," I
    replied.


    *In the pub last
    night* Me:
    "What was that
    big instrumental
    hit by Fleetwood
    Mac in the 60's?"
    Mate:
    "Albatross" Me:
    "Yeah that's the
    one....I went to
    school with him
    Y'know" Mate:
    "Really? which
    one,Peter
    Green? Mick
    Fleetwood?" Me:
    "Naah....Albert
    Ross."


    My wife said the
    day she married
    me was the
    happiest day of her
    life.And I believed
    her,as she stuffed
    her mouth full of
    cake and said,
    "That's the last I'll
    be worrying about
    trying to keep a
    trim figure."


    "Save water" label
    on my tube of
    Colgate
    toothpaste.Are
    they fucking
    taking the piss....I
    live in fucking
    Scotland.


    Remember the 3
    step rule to using
    porn as foreplay.
    Browse,Arouse,
    Get it housed.


    If sperm is good
    for your skin and
    makes you look
    younger? Then
    how come my
    hands both look
    the same age.

    For sale: Tardis.
    Slight leak.No
    time wasters.


    Women hate
    patriarchy until
    they have to
    twist open a tight
    lid on a jar of
    pickles.

  10. #1645
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Paparazzi pictures
    of Camilla in a
    swimsuit,
    branded by royal
    observers as
    "Disgusting and
    Lurid" have been
    published in an
    Italian Magazine.
    On the upside,
    she made the
    centrefold of this
    week's Horse and
    Hound.


    Scientists have
    finally agreed
    that the closest
    we will ever get
    to perpetual
    motion is the
    Palestine/Israeli
    conflict.

  11. #1646
    Join Date
    8th October 2006 - 16:33
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    big shiney pommy thing
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    In the middle
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    228
    Sorry mate I don’t get half these jokes,I guess if you are a Pom it would be ok.

  12. #1647
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I wonder in the
    history of the
    world if anyone
    has ever had a
    piss around the
    front of a tree.


    My girlfriend fell
    pregnant.But due
    to personal
    differences,we
    hadn't been
    sleeping together
    for a least a
    year.When I
    ask for advice
    from the doc,he
    said "it's what;s
    called a grudge
    pregnancy"
    which he
    explained,means
    that someone's
    obviously had it
    in for me.


    They say that in
    marriage all your
    dreams come true.
    If my dreams
    came true I'd
    probably have aids
    by now.


    What did the
    nigger say to the
    American cop? Is
    that a boner in
    your pocket,or
    are you happy to
    shoot me?


    When I woke this
    morning,there
    was a young
    naked boy,with a
    large penis
    sitting on my
    knee...I won't
    call into the
    tattooist on the
    way back from
    the pub ever
    again.


    I woke up yet
    again to have a
    huge pair of black
    balls and a gaint
    black cock hitting
    me in the face.
    Anyway,from
    now on my Great
    Dane will be
    sleeping outside.

  13. #1648
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    At first I wasn't
    going to join in
    with this vagina
    museum band
    wagon.I thought
    Emuff is Emuff,
    but then the
    juices started to
    flow.I believe
    the museum can
    be penetrated by
    the front
    entrance only as
    the back door is
    via the sewage
    works.Led Zeppelin
    will be playing
    at the opening
    ceremony with a
    performance of
    Hole lot of love.


    Took me ages to
    find the Vagina
    Museum.Turns
    out it was
    obscured behind
    a huge bush.


    "you've seen
    mine every day
    for the last 30
    years," said my
    wife,"so why on
    earth do you
    want to visit the
    Vagina Museum?" I
    replied,"because
    at least they'll let
    me inside it."


    Th Vagina
    Museum opening
    Times:
    september 25th-
    october 15th:
    9am-5pm
    october 16th-
    october 21st:
    closed for
    decorating you
    fucking selfish
    bastard,you don't
    fucking understand,
    fucking fuck you!


    I see that Vagina
    Museum is going
    to have an entire
    exhibition
    dedicated to
    Tampons.Stuck
    up cunts.


    Apparently the
    entrance to the
    vagina museum
    isn;t vegan
    friendly.The
    doors are covered
    by a pair of beef
    curtains.


    Jeremy Corbin
    was going to visit
    the Vagina
    Museum in
    London but they
    turned him down
    ....apparently
    they have enough
    cunts in ther
    already...


    I visited the
    black vagina
    museum in
    Alabama recently.
    I've never seen
    so many cunts in
    da hood.


    I've just opend
    the worlds first
    restaurant for
    transvestites.
    'Eat,Drink,And
    Be Mary!


    Demi Moore has
    revealed in her
    biography that
    she was pimped
    out by her
    Mother.
    Apparently most
    of the guys were
    arseholes,but
    there were A
    Few Good Men.


    Jake,the
    husband in the
    gender neutral
    baby story,said
    "the reason I call
    my wife my
    Hobbitt is because
    she loves anal
    sex,and it feels
    absolutely wizard
    when my cock
    disappears in her
    ring."


    'Metallica's
    James Hetfield
    enters rehab as
    heartbroken band
    cancels all
    upcoming tour
    dates' Master Of
    Puppets is pulling
    his strings.Sad
    But True.

  14. #1649
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
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    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    We don't need a
    vagina museum
    in London....we
    can go to the
    houses of
    parliament to see
    a room full of
    cunts.



    The government
    wish it to be
    known that the
    vagina museum
    is located at unit
    17 & 18 Stables
    Market Chalk
    Farm Road,NW1
    8AH and Not
    between Katie
    Prices legs.Just
    because Katies
    minge can
    accommodate
    500 people more
    than the actual
    museum/please
    don't confuse the
    two.


    I thought London
    already had a
    cunt museum.
    The House Of
    Lords.


    Went to that
    vagina museum
    in London at
    4am.I think I
    came too early.


    Just been to visit
    that new vagina
    museum and it
    was very
    realistic...Thanks
    to the aquarim
    next door.


    I went to go to
    the vagina
    museum but
    accidently went
    in the building
    next door.The
    place was a shit
    hole.

  15. #1650
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
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    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Watford manager:"Just
    keep it tight for the
    first 20 minutes
    lads.."


    I asked oliver Twist
    if he wanted a go in
    the Rugby World Cup
    sweepstake.
    He said: Please can
    I have Samoa?


    The Sunday
    Times reports
    that busty
    American
    Jennifer Acuri
    told friends she
    had an affair with
    Boris Johnson,who
    is being
    investigated over
    claims he gave
    her taxpayers
    cash and
    preferential
    treatment.
    Hopefully the
    scandal will be
    the end of his
    premiership.
    Then the papers
    can run the
    headline-Johnson
    finished over
    He Tits.

    Top Tip: Look a
    total cunt by
    measuring your
    steps on a fitbit
    and walking
    around swinging
    your arms like
    Liam fuckin
    Gallagher.

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