What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

The world record for a 30
second advertisment will be
set during superbowl 2019.A
cool 5 million! By the Duke
of Edinburgh appealing for
someone to insure him to
drive.

I once stayed at a gay hotel in
the lake district that was
supposed to be haunted.I
didn't actually see a ghost but
the landlord and his partner did
put the willies up me.

Love watching kickboxer.
Nothing says Thailand like a
Belgian playing an American
doing a chinese marial art in
front of a cambadian temple.

Why don't cats shave?
Because 8 out of 10 cat
owners said their cats
prefer Whiskas.

"Where the fuck have you
been?" shouted my wife."It's
been three days!" "It's your
fault," I replied."When I went
out you told me not to come
home drunk again."

My beautiful daughter picked
her way slowly down the stairs
looking resplendent in her
shimmering silk wedding dress.
A ribbon bedecked Rolls-Royce
idled outside.As the
bride-to be entered the lounge
my wife piped up,"Give us a
twirl,give us a twirl!" I thought
"Typical,our first born is getting
married in half an hour and all
she can think about is stuffing
her fat fucking face with
chocolate flake bars!"

I got booted off my market stall
yesterday for fuck all...This wee
chinese man walked by,so I
stopped him and said,"Do you want
to buy a baseball cap?"...He replied
"No," so I kept persevering and he
lost the rag..."I keep telling you
no,no,no so why you keep
wanting me to buy baseball cap?"...
...I replied,"Because it looks as
though the sun's in your eyes"...

A child has won an award for 999
call.My daughter's well pissed off,
she's made well over a thousand
and won fuck all.

[Bikkie]

So Liam Neeson wanted to kill
an innocent black man on the
street for no reason
whatsoever.Since when has any
black man been innocent?

I thougt I was watching
Mississippi Burning earlier
before I realised its what
Liam Neeson sent into You've
Been Framed in 1994.

When Liam Neeson said what
he said about walking the
downtown streets with a
metal-bar and looking for
a black man to kill,but
not being able to find
one,I couldn't believe
it....Did he not check
the public toilets?

So 40 years ago Liam Neeson
walked the streets of Dublin
with a metal-bar looking for
black men.If we had know
that we could have encouraged
Bob Geldolf and Bono to do
an Al Jolson duet.

The chinese regret to inform
Muslims worldwide,that this is
the year of the pig!

Pisses me off that some silly
cunt somewhere makes up shit
like Januhairy and Movember.
I remember when we knew the
months by the four seasons,
Fucking cold,Getting warmer,
Rainy months,and soon be
Fucking cold again.

I always try to have sex with
new girlfriends in the toilet
so if and when we break up I can
tell everybody that she take it in
the shitter.

[Bikkie]

After taking advice from his
agent,Liam Neeson has
decided to change his name in
order to start afresh with his
movie career.He'll now be
known as Liam Swatsanigger.

I n the interest of racial
harmony,Liam Neeson has
paid for thousands of Ethnic
Geometric pictures to be given
to members of the Black
community without charge
Apply online @
www.freeneesonmandala

Breaking News:Man dies after
overdosing on viagra.His wife
took it very hard.

Sky News have warned that we
need to brace ourselves for ten
centimetres tonight.I don't like
the way my wife rolled her eyes
when she heard that.

Back in my day we
didn't have as many
warning labels.
People weren't so
fucking stupid.

[Bikkie]

Who runs faster than a black guy
with a stolen TV? His little brother
with the remote.

I was dating a new girl,she was fit,
fun abd a bit of a cheeky spunky
sort too.We were saving money
for a flat,so I said to her,"Why do
I buy condoms when you never
make me wear them?" she
sniggered,"Probably the same
reason I bring my purse out on a
date,knowning I'll never spend a
penny!"

The chinese coined the phrase "It's
not you...it's me" while looking at
their family albums!!

The wife said,"I'm sick to death of
you,everything I say goes in one
ear and straight out the other" I
said,"You know most of the time if
I'm lucky it doesn't even go in one
ear."

Technology has immesurably
improved men's sex lives over
the last 40 years.The pages of
pornHub don't get stuck
together.

My uncle is a Gynaecologist,he
retired last year but sill does a
bit of part-time work.He likes
to keep his hand in.

Got home from work and saw
the post-it note on the fridge.
In bold letters "I've left you" I
poured myself a celebratory
whisky kicked off my shoes and
put on my favourite porn dvd.I
was mid wank when the door
opened and there stood the
wife with her mother.My wife
ushered her mum shrieking in
shock out of the room.I got
dressed sheepishly and noticed
the yellow bit of paper stuck on
the sole of the shoe I'd kicked
off,it read "a lasagna in the
oven,gone shopping with mum
back soon xxx"


When I was a child,if I saw
someone with something I
couldn't have,I wanted to ruin
it for them out of bitter jealous
petty resentment,but I grew
out of it....unlike feminists.

My sister has 2 jobs,doing
wedding buffets and worling in
the cervical smear clinic.
preparing the patients.She
prides herself for always putting
on a good spread.

[Bikkie]

Ozzie Osbourne
the Black Sabbath
front man has
been rushed into
intensive care.
Raising serious
concerns about his
health. .Sharon
said that doctors
fear the worst.
Others think that
they are just being
paranoid.

According to a
survey,17% of
men would allow
their sporting idol
to have sex with
their girlfriend or
wife.So would I,
but then again my
sporting idol is
Maria Sharopova.

Whenever I eat at
McDonald's I like
to have a Happy
Meal.So I make
sure I leave the
wife and kids at
home where they
fucking belong.

Be wary when
someone offers to
cook a classical
recipe curry.This
morning taking a
dump my arse was
in rhythm with the
William Tell
overture.

My girlfriend told
me she hoped I
had something
special planned for
Valentine's Day.I
said,"I'm working
on it." and she
smiled,which was
weird as I thought
she would be
upset that I'm
having to work on
Valentine's Day.

[Bikkie]

El Chapo the
notorious drug
lord,has been
found guilty of
trafficking at a
New York City
trial and will now
spend the rest of
his life in a U.S
prison.There you
go Trump,a
cheaper wall for
Mexicans.

[husaberg]

[Bikkie]

Union bosses are
blaming Brexit as
Honda plans to
shut down its
Swindon plant in
2022.Swindon's
MP Justin
Tomlinson insisted
the decision was
not down to
Britain's departure
from the EU and
Honda are leaving
by their own
Accord.

[Bikkie]

The Kursaal flyers..
..song....little does
she know has been
remixed..The
Donald Rumsfeld
mix,Little does
she know that I
know that she
knows that "We
know,there are
known knowns:
there are things
we know we
know.We also
know there are
known unknowns;
that is to say we
know there are
some things we do
not know.But
there are also
unknown.
unknowns-the
ones we don't
know we don't
know"

In the original
star-trek series
the cheif engineer
was called scotty
and the doctor was
called bones.In
the lastest star-trek
series both the
cheif engineer and
doctor are gay.
Not so much bones
and scotty more
like bones up botty.

Cliff Richard to
re-record one of
his old hits to
appease the
Muslim
community."Got
myself a ugly
unshaven fifteen
year old stinking
jihadi doll."

Apparently a Harry
Potter actress has
turned her hand to
herb gardening.
Well I for one will
be googling images
of "Emma
Watson's mint
bush."

Animal Cruelty
1.Cat on a hot tin roof.

2.Not enough room to swing a cat.

3.Not a cat in hells chance.

4.Raining cats and dogs.

5.Cat gut tennis rackets.

6.More than one way to skin a cat.

7.Don't let the cat out of the bag.

8.Curiosity killed the cat No
wonder the fuckers need nine lives.

I took my wife on one of those
fairground rides where you go
UP and DOWN,ROUND and
ROUND,UP and DOWN,
ROUND and ROUND."There
you are bitch," I said "That's
what it feels like having an
argument with you."

I signed up for some aerobics
classes and was told to wear
loose fitting clothing! If I had
any loose fitting clothing..I
wouldn't have signed up in the
first place!

"Lets play chinese
whispers." I said
quietly to my wife.
"Gag me then stick
your cock up my
arse first," I
thought she'd
replied.

I don't need
pictures of my
wife on my phone
to remind me of
her.The screen
has a massive
crack in it.

I call my kids
Lager and
Guinness.The
wife's bitter.

[Bikkie]

The offical list of
emojis for 2019
has been updated
to include a drop
of blood,which is
meant to
symbolise
menstruation,
Although,if tech
companies really
wanted to
accurately portray
the suffering
caused by periods,
they should use an
emoji of a
husband quietly
masturbating in
the bathroom.

BBC NEWS: Russia
to unplug from the
internet.In other
news,75% of the
world's porn
has disappeared.

I'm not saying I
love Europe But
my record shop is
called The Vinyl
Countdown.

I asked my
girlfriend if she
would jack me off.
"Ew! Don't put it
like that," she said,
"It sounds so
sordid.Couldn't
you use a bit of
French,the
language of love?"
"Ok" I replied.
"Would you
Jaques me off?"

The narriage of
Rupert Murdoch
and Jerry Hall is
still going strong.I
always thought
Jerry Hall was
where Nazis held
their balls.

I was an olympic
gold medalist in
the premature
ejaculation
competition.My
girlfriend was still
pissed off that I
didn't come
second.

I went to the
Doctors today and
found out I am
'tri-sexual'
Anything sexual I'll
fucking try it.

What's that movie
with the kids and
the clown in the
sewer...I can't
think of the name
of it.

Just been to Pizza
Hut. Waitress:"What
would you like
to drink?" Me:"I'd
like a coke please."
Waitress:"Is pepsi
ok?" Me:"Is Monopoly
money ok?"

"ANTIFA"
Its like saying
COMMUNIST
But with a cock in your
mouth.

[Bikkie]

Apparently,'Dydd
Gwyl Dewi Hapus'
means 'Happy St
David's Day' in
Wales.Who knew
the Welsh were
dyslexic?

I was taking the
piss out of a man
wearing a ridiculas
wig today... ...he
had the last laugh
though.Sentenced
me to 3 years!

My uncle once got
his DeLorean up to
88mph,and
ended up 30 years
in the future.
That's how long he
got for hitting that
bus queue.

Dear Ryan Adams,
Thanks for fucking
up my album sales.
Yours sincerely,
Bryan Adams.

So I managed to
convince the blond
chick in a bar I was
rich last night by
telling her I had a
golden retriever.

BMW death traps:
More than
250,000 cars in
Britian are at risk
of bursting into
flames.Luckily,
the fault only
appears if the
indacators are
used.

Women love a
man brimming
with confidence.
Because without
that,what is there
to destroy?

[Bikkie]

Back when we had
to rent movies,my
wife sent me out
to rent "Sent Of A
Woman." I
brought home a
tape that night,
and my wife
looked at it and
said,"What the
fuck is this?" "I
couldn't find it,so
I rented "A Fish
Called Wanda."

Now girl gymnasts
have to share
changing rooms
with boys who
identify as female.
In my day,we had
to drill a hole in
the wall.

The wife was away
this weekend as
she left she
shouted "Have
fun." And you
know,it started
the moment the
fucking door shut
behind her.

Tory MP Nick
Boles has tweeted
he finds
'something
irresistible' about
Labour MP Jess
Phillip.A posh
way of saying,he
likes plain looking
women with big
tits as they might
be up for a shag.

The fairy God mother
says to Cinderella
"Don't forget cinders if
you are not home by
the final stroke of the
bell at midnight your
dress will become
rags and your pussy
will turn into a
pumpkin." Cinders is
dancing at the ball
and meets a
handsome young man
...she tells him her
name and asks him
his.He says "Peter
Peter pumpkin eater
what time do you
have to be home
pretty lady?" She
replies "Dunno 3 ish
maybe 4 oclock in the
morning."

I was getting a bit
frisky with the
sexy polish girl
that works in the
7/11 last night.
"Giz a kiss
beauiful," I said
with a wink."Go
away creepy
man," she replied.
"Don't be like
that," I said,as I
reached across the
counter with
puckered lips.
"Come on!" just
one kiss...." "You
want I scream?"
she said backing
away....I said,"Go
on then,I'll have a
cornetto...."

I asked my mate if he
could get me a job at
the tampon factory
where he works.
"There's no openings,"
he replied,"But I'll see
if I can pull some
strings."

After finding 5 Mars
bars,3 snickers,a
Flake and a packet of
H&M'S,I'm starting to
think I'm not cut out
to be a Bounty
hunter.....

Do strippers in the
southern hemishere
spin around pole in
the opposite direction
that strippers in the
Northern hemisphere
do?

[Bikkie]

"I'm still standing
better than I ever
did,Looking like a
true survivor,
feeling like a little
kid." Are we sure
Elton's not a paedo
as well as a
bender?

Keith Richards was
sitting in a tree again
when a pair of
Magpies shit on
him.Now for a
senile old junkie he
was pretty fucking
quick off the mark
was old Keith and
caught both the
cunts and wrung
their necks.So
there you go,two
birds killed with
one stone.

There is such a
thing as life after
death.It's called
divorce.

Stevie Wonder-7
kids,David
Blunkett-5 kids,
Ray Charles-12
kids.I think it's
safe to say it's not
wanking that
makes you go blind.

[Bikkie]

So blacks are the
fastest runners
and whites are the
best swimmers,the
polar ice caps
are melting,Evolution
at work.


If anything good
comes out of
global warming it
will be that in a
few years Dancing
On Ice won't be on
the fuckin TV...

Women are scarily
perceptive.This
really hot chick in
the local coffee
shop just served
me a coffee and
then said,"Do come
again." How did she
know.

I went out with
this girl I met
online.I had seen
where she had
written that,"The
sexiest thing is
when a man starts
screet-talking me
in a foreign
lanuage!" Well I
went for it.But for
some reason she
looked completely
unimpressed when
I started
serenading her in Klingon.

I was dressed to
the nines stood in
the posh west end
bar when some
bird wearing a fur
coat came up to
me,"The place
isn't full you
know.: She
winked,"Why don't
you come sit
with me,I love a
man with money."
I said,"Oh yeah,well
I've got piles."
"Show me," she
insisted with a
wry smile on her
face.So I bent
over and pulled my
pants down.

black Dictionary
result for black
/blak/submit
adjective one
of the very darkest
colour owing to
the absence of or
complete absorption
of light: the opposite
of white.
cunt Dictionary
result for cunt
/k#nt/submit
noun VULGAR SLANG
a woman's genitals.
Defintions from a
world renown dictionary
of two words But,oh,use
them together and
all of a sudden you're
a fucking racist.

[Bikkie]

"Right class" said the
teacher,"Can anyone
use the word
momumental in a
sentence?" "I can
Miss," replied little
Johnny."Go on then
she encouraged.He
said,"The other day
my dad went up to
this massive nigger
and threatened to
smash his fucking face
in,the nigger replied
"Mon u mental get
the fuck out of here."

Adam and Eve.
First people in
history to not read
the Apple terms
and conditions.

An unmarried woman
regularly blowing the
cock of a married rich
man is a misstress.An
unmarried woman
regularly blowing the
cock of a married poor
man is a slag.


I'm not saying I
love the entire
solar system.But
my record shop is
called The Vinyl
Frontier.

Great thing about
being a man who
has the flu,you
never have to
explain the box of
tissues sitting next
to the computer.

A girl looked at my
hands and said
"Ah,you must be
a single guy!"
"How'd you
guess No
wedding ring?" I
replied
sarcastically."No,
one palms much
shinner than the
other" she
answered

Can't help thinking
....there's quite a
few Indian women
who try putting
their lipstick on,
just as their
husbands slams on
the brakes of the
car.

So..You can call
black people
'people of colour'
but you can't call
them 'coloured?!
Last time I looked
in the dictionary
'coloured' was the
adjective of the
verb 'colour',Are
people making this
PC shit as they
go along? Why
can't we go back
to the good old
fashion term
'darkies' That's
nice and quaint
and does exactly
what it says on the
tin.

I was arrested in
PC world for theft
It was the doctors
fault because he
told me I had to
keep taking the
tablets.