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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #2176
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    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Sick text jokes

    We have Evian - water
    you pay for that you can
    drink for free and Nivea,
    which claims to revitalise
    skin that can be done by
    drinking Evian.
    When the next COVID-19
    variant is announced they
    might as well go straight
    to the point and call it Navie.


    I had to go to my son's
    school and they had a big
    fucking banner up reading,
    "Real Superheroes wear
    Masks!"
    The female teacher was
    absolutely fucking livid
    with me when I loudly
    commented, "And these
    days they've turned our
    Superheroes into faggots
    too".


    George Benson "Turn Your
    Love Around" or The Anal
    song as I call it.


    I love the story of Santa
    Claus because it brings
    together my two favorite
    things.
    Being a part of a mass
    conspiracy and lying to
    children.


    I worked with a Jewish
    bloke once. He asked me
    a question and I didn't
    know, so I told him to talk
    to the boss, Kyle. It was
    loud, so I had to shout.
    "SEE KYLE! SEE KYLE!".
    I was sacked for some
    reason.


    what’s the difference
    between a Pakistani
    wedding and a 69?
    You only have to kiss
    one smelly cunt with a 69!


    The answer may not lie
    at the bottom of a bottle
    but I always like to check
    anyway.


    Hey hey mama said the
    way you move gonna
    make you sweat gonna
    make you groove. I sing
    this to every Black Dog I
    cop off with.


    Sticks and stones may
    break my bones
    But whips and chains
    excite me.


    Centuries ago sacrifices
    were made at the altar.
    A practice known today as
    marriage vows.


    My kid: Daddy, where does
    Piers Morgan come from?
    Me: Well, when a BMW
    an Audi, a LandRover and
    a pick-up truck meet at a
    crossroads, the arseholes
    behind the wheel combine
    to form one giant
    arsehole. Then he gets
    on the telly and becomes
    Piers Morgan.


    On the school-run this
    morning, my two teenage
    daughter's were debating
    which tasted the saltiest-
    Walkers or Seabrook's.
    It wasn't until later I
    realised the truth.
    Mr Walker teaches
    Geography and Mr
    Seabrook does RE.

  2. #2177
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    A man buys a guard dog to protect his home. Unfortunately he has to get rid of it because it keeps letting everyone in. Turns out it was a UK Border collie.


    It tells you a lot about the state of politics in this country when you're more likely to be ousted by a Christmas party than the Labour party.


    I met my ex-girlfriend in town earlier to hand over some letters that had been delivered to my address. We had a really nice chat over a coffee and when the time came to leave I could see she was holding back a tear.
    "Are you OK?" I asked.
    She smiled and replied, "You just seem so much more mature Dave. If you'd been more like this I really think we could have still been together."
    With that, she kissed me on the cheek and we said goodbye.
    As I watched her leave I couldn't help thinking that I'd loved to have seen her face when she found the "I take it up the arse" sticker that I'd stuck on the back of her coat.



    BBC Sport "The Premier League is set to trial a saliva test that can be used to diagnose concussion"

    I would imagine if you've got a load of saliva dribbling down your chin then you've probably got concussion.



    "Jussie Smollett takes the stand"

    Can't say I'm surprised; these thieving black cunts will take anything that isn't locked down.


    Does anyone know what number I need to call to vote of Ant and Dec off I'm a celebrity? I'm sick of the cunts.



    Which member of the 'Undertones' was the meanest?

    Frugal Sharkey




    After much heated discussion with the Mrs, we decided to maintain the interest rate on loans from the Bank of Mum and Dad at 0%, for the 22nd consecutive year despite the offering of any collateral from the customers to support those loans.

    On a brighter note, Dad’s taxi service has gone into voluntary liquidation and the home catering service is currently suspended.
    You win some you lose some.



    On a flight home and they have just said to remove your mask before placing the emergency oxygen mask over your face.

    Who needs to hear this?




    BAME is now a politically incorrect term.
    Let’s simplify things with a new term.
    FAB
    Foreign And Black


    If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"?

    The swallow...



    Nationwide Building Society are warning people of a new scam called 'Cash Trapping'.

    New? It's been around for centuries but it's better known as marriage.




    On the 1st day of Christmas my PM lied to me
    We didn’t have a Christmas party.

    On the 2nd day of Christmas my PM lied to me
    We followed Covid rules and
    We didn’t have a Christmas party

    On the 3rd day of Christmas my PM lied to me
    We had a business meeting
    We followed Covid rules and
    We didn’t have a Christmas party

    On the 4th day of Christmas my PM lied to me
    We made a training video
    We had business meeting
    We followed Covid rules and
    We didn’t have a Christmas party

    On the 5th day of Christmas my PM lied to me
    We’ve sacked the messenger
    And given 5 gold rings to all my Eton chums



    What do we want ?
    Absolute, total silence
    When do we want it ?


    Our construction site just had transferred here this "worker" from Ghana, where every single task he's put at he immediately declines and whips out a piece of paper showing a medical exemption for a "bad back"

    Or as I call him, our African't




    Theres this Transgender person at work, me and lads were taking the piss out of her when she flipped and knocked one of us out.

    Gotta admit, shes got some balls.


    McDonald’s coming out with food-scented candles?

    My sex life is about to be non-existent...





    Why will Joe Biden be sad on Christmas?
    Because he’ll have no presence.





    If this pandemic has really taught me anything, it is about hand washing, specifically about Government Ministers and how they have, eventually, learned to wash their hands of all responsibility.




    Tom Jones was watching "2 Girls, 1 Cup" when his wife walked in.

    Immediately he panicked and closed the browser then tried to pull his trousers up.

    "It's ok Tom", she said ... "You can leave your scat on"

  3. #2178
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Maybe, if Boris Johnson dressed as Santa
    Claus......
    at least kids would believe in him.

    Where does a Jew dry his towels?

    On Israel


    Sky News: China warns UK, USA and Australia will pay the price for diplomatic boycott of winter Olympics.

    Oh no. Does this mean the end of all their cheap shit that doesn't work on eBay?


    If this pandemic has really taught me anything, it is about hand washing, specifically about Government Ministers and how they have, eventually, learned to wash their hands of all responsibility.



    Can you imagine being one of Boris Johnson's kids?

    "Dad, can I go to a Christmas party?"

    "Yes, of course you can, but if anyone asks, it was a business meeting. "




    What do Ed Sheeran and my Christmas tree have in common?

    They both have ornamental balls.




    Boris now has ten children. fuck me is he a Muslim?


    After my wife had spent most the day with a face like thunder, I couldn't hold out any longer.
    "Seriously love," I laughed, "Did you honestly think I'd forget your birthday?"
    "You bastard," she replied, trying not to smile, "You had me fooled."
    "Of course I didn't forget....I did however, choose not to give a fuck."


    The Metropolitan Police has said it will not investigate the Downing Street Christmas party widely reported to have been held last year.

    A Police spokesman said:

    "If Santa can work with every person in the world and able to social distance so
    can the Prime Minister.



    I do love a good Indian now and again, saying that, I don't mind a chinky and a Thai aswell. I'll make love to anyone.

  4. #2179
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    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Smile Sick text jokes

    The women's FA Cup
    winners are questioning
    why they only got 25k.
    Not the 1.8m the men's
    winner got.
    Note to self. Next time
    I get up and do karaoke,
    remember to ask the
    landlord for the same
    at Elton John gets for
    preforming in Las Vegas.


    Between the cursing and
    the violence.
    My wife scares me a little
    when she's wrapping
    Christmas gifts.


    My daughter wanted her
    kids to "Sit on Santa's
    Lap" this year, but for
    the agenda she likes she
    actually wanted me to
    drive them two hours
    away to an event that's
    making a point to have "a
    black Santa"
    "Not very plausible," I
    replied, "Santa leaves
    gifts, rather than running
    off with them."


    This climate change shit
    is getting serious.
    The BBC have reported
    that there are now only 2
    Beetles and 1 Monkey left
    in the world.


    I didn't think my Mrs was
    going to believe me when
    I told her there was only
    one monkey left.
    Then I saw her face.


    I've got a mobile contract
    with Bob Marley, I got the
    tariff but I didnt get the
    texts for free.


    NORD say that Santa
    visits every child that
    believes in him.
    Even the Beach Boys
    acknowledge that he don't
    most no-one.
    So why the fuck do we
    need signs saying 'Santa
    please stop here'?

  5. #2180
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Hyphenated
    Non-hyphenated

    WTF ?




    The existence of tits proves one thing:

    Men can focus on two things at once.



    I turned up at this house party and there was booze, pills and lines of cocaine everywhere. I got stuck in and was loving every minute of it until I remembered I was there because of a noise complaint and should probably start arresting people.



    Fitted kitchens are incomplete without hot and cold running water.

    Just let that sink in.




    Went out for a Christmas meal last night and the serviettes started singing, “Chestnut roasting on an open fire…”
    Turns out it was “Napkin Cole.”



    I was at my American friend`s house in California watching baseball on his large-screen TV and having a few beers (well, several) with him.

    Then his wife came into the room, had a go at us for drinking too much and when he asked if she could make us some sandwiches, she bluntly refused and walked out.

    I turned to him and said "There`s no way I tolerate behaviour like that from my wife when I`m at home watching the football."

    "You mean soccer?" he asked.

    "Yes, lay the bitch right out on the floor!" I advised.




    My mate's going out with a midget.

    I can't be doing with a girl who can't reach her minge without bending.



    The wife said she thinks we could do with a slow cooker.

    I told her, "I already have one, now get your lazy arse back in the kitchen."



    Boris Johnson says they didn't have a quiz at no 10. It was an emergency Cobra meeting to determine which Irish singer-songerwriter released the 1990 single Nothing compares 2 U.



    🎶 He's making a list
    He's checking it twice
    He's gonna find out who's naughty and nice 🎶

    I sang merrily to myself as I was browsing through the profiles at the local escorts agency.




    We once had a temp worker start who had the most ridiculous hairstyle on a man that I had ever seen... I told him "You shouldn't wear your hair in dreadlocks."

    "Sorry, right, of course it's Cultural Appropriaton."

    "No, not fucking that, you look like a cunt."




    Sometimes you've got to do some DIY. I'll start by sorting some screws.

    But that's prison life for you.



    I was wistfully singing the song "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas," when my SJW daughter suddenly ruined the mood and snapped at me "That's Racist !"

    "'You have a point," I sighed, "I was indeed thinking about just how nice it would be to live in a 98% white locale."




    "Any chance of a fuck, love?"

    "Nope, on my period."

    "Still, your mouth works."



    My wife came back from the Garden Centre this afternoon with a great big timepiece which she has stuck in the middle of the lawn.

    Now I’m having to work around the clock.


    If women could see through their breasts,

    They've been staring at me for years.




    What do Tits and friends have in common?

    Some are big, some are small, some are real, and some are fake.



    Mercedes are complaining it wasn’t a fair result but it looked black and white to me.



    Philip schofields wifes pussy musta been similar to a mans asshole.

  6. #2181
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The people who believe abstinence is the only birth control also believe that a virgin got pregnant.

    Eyelashes.

    They are designed to keep things out of your eyes, yet 95% of the time that something gets in your eye, it's a fucking eyelash.



    Boris Johnson is encouraging people to get their shots before Christmas.
    Well we know Boris had a few last Christmas.




    After all the suffering, hate and torment Darth Vader went through, I can't ever remember him making a thing about being black




    Everyone says: Should've gone to Specsavers.

    But I realised that VAR was a more lucrative career.


    BBC Sports Personality 2021 contenders revealed.

    Oooh... I can't wait to find out who's going to be runner-up to Emma Raducanu.



    My wife came back from the Garden Centre this afternoon with a great big timepiece which she has stuck in the middle of the lawn.

    Now I’m having to work around the clock.



    Tits are like kiddie toys.

    They’re really for the kids, but Men always end up playing with them...

    I'm changing all my passwords to "What's".
    So when anyone asks me "what's your password ?
    il say, " yes it is".


    How is a push-up bra like a bag of walkers crisps?

    As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.



    Why is divorce so expensive?

    Because it's worth it.



    Booked a Christmas party at a nice restaurant, got there and there’s a bunch of white people sitting on the table. I asked why, she’s said “you did ask for crackers on your table”.



    A new lady started at the office that's pretty attractive, so for my "game" I decided to completely change course and white-knight and pretend to be a dippy liberal and such, rather than what I usually do "denying the virus" or saying a nice word about Putin.

    I pulled a face nappy up all the way over my nose, then went up to her and said, "I'm double jabbed, booster, and also I believe if you've been told you've been 'exposed', you should isolate not only for two weeks, but 10 extra days for good measure !"

    "You just make my fanny feel driest of any man I ever meet," she said in the hottest Russian accent.


    Checkout girl at Tesco asked me "if I fancied a drink?"
    I said "thanks but I'm spoken for"
    She replied "as part of the meal deal you prick!"



    Just bought my nephew the BBC colouring set for Christmas
    A 24 page book and 8 black pens





    Can Elton John endure 24 hours in a bath of custard to raise money for World Aids day?


    The poof is in the pudding.






    Not been a good new week for the right wing press, but

    Express… ‘There’s only Britannia’s ascent into the sunlit uplands to report on currently. Boris and Allegra are doing a spiffing job showing those bureaucrats in Brussels who’s boss by having a good old British Christmas party.

    Marianne Morrison from the Mail said ‘I want a photo of the real royal baby, Calling all donors, they’ll have to redecorate again and wallpaper is expensive. Boris might need another Caribbean holiday.’

    Luke Lyle from the Sun shouted ‘Our masters and betters, have given us plebs rules to follow. They should be allowed a party to celebrate, but don’t tell the cops. Or do, it won’t matter. So your nan died alone from Covid? If she didn’t have a nice rack, it’s not a story.‘

    Clementine Carruthers from the Telegraph said: ‘Firstly, you should get back to your offices if you work in office buildings owned by Tory donors. But no Christmas parties for you oiks. Boris is always welcome here in the sunny uplands. He can do a monthly column, impregnate a few interns and we’ll give him a nice six figure salary. That’s what chums do.’

  7. #2182
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    You've got to start wearing those masks, they really save lives..

    I was in the pub yesterday with my girlfriend and the wife didn't even recognise me.



    I hate double standards today, banksy can draw on what ever wall he likes and that's art, yet I spray paint nonce on my neighbours door and suddenly I'm the criminal.



    Watching the F1 race, I couldn't help but think how refereshing it is to see a white man steal from a black man for a change



    Westlife.

    As if one Val Doonican wasn’t enough.


    If Ed Sheeran combed his hair.

    We would realize he's Rick Astley...




    I loaned my Chinese neighbour a packet of condoms last year. Now he's suing me for a dozen kids born with wetsuits and rain hats.



    I went to a quiz night last week and ABBA were there taking part. The last question was " In the sound of music, which note is a name I call myself". I looked over and saw Benny scribble on a paper. He showed it to the others and said " I think its this," The others agreed. Benny said " So shall we TAKE A CHANCE ON ME ????

  8. #2183
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    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Sick text jokes

    My little daughter is
    playing with my balls
    She's been infatuated with
    my Newton's cradle for a
    long time.


    Turns out you are also
    what you drink.
    I just had this cream
    liqueur and now everyone in
    my village respects me
    Amarula.


    Front door getting a bit
    shabby?
    Simply go to a phone
    box, call the police and
    anonymously report
    yourself for dealing drugs.
    After the cops smash
    down your door and find
    fuck all, they'll be obliged
    to pay for a new one.
    P. S It's a good idea to
    stash your gear elsewhere
    be for making the call.


    Ferriby Cub Scouts saw
    their first beaver today
    thanks to a "wardrobe
    malfunction" as they
    followed the lady vicar
    up the stairs to the
    observation platform in
    the church attic.


    I got my mate to try
    mayonnaise with his
    dinner for the first time
    today, he liked it and said
    he might put it on his
    shopping list.
    I don't know why he eats
    his shopping lists but
    each to their own.


    "You're always showing
    off about the celebrities
    you've supposedly
    shagged" my mate said.
    "Hardly showing off, I
    protested," In fact I think
    I'm quite modest about
    my conquests. "
    " Modest? " he laughed,
    " Mate, when was the last
    time you did humble? "
    " Humble? That would
    have been at last year's
    Springwatch Christmas
    party. "


    I have many fond
    memories of watching the
    Christmas pantomime as
    a kid, there was always
    a man dressed as the
    evil queen or stepmother
    or something because
    they look so laughably
    masculine and hideous.
    So called " transgender "
    people would be wise to
    take note.


    I didn't clap for the nurses
    during the pandemic, but I
    did give a nurse the clap.


    There's a dating site for
    Well - endowed men called
    7 inches or Better.
    The site has already
    attracted over 60,000
    women and 70,000 liars.


    Oooh ah just a little
    Bit Oooh ah just a little bit
    more.
    You can't compete when
    you're ex's fella is a nigger.


    Two old ladies were
    chatting over the fence
    one frozen december
    morning, ethel:"bloody
    cold today mavis." mavis:
    "aye lass, its frozen all me
    pipes." ethel :"is your
    shithouse still working?"....
    mavis:"no he's still in bed"



    Walked into the bedroom
    holding two aspirins and a
    glass of water.
    My wife asks.
    "What's that for?"
    "It's for your headache.
    " I don't have a headache. "
    " Gotcha! "


    My brother and I went on a
    world holiday. We headed
    SOUTH. AFRICA was a
    place we always wanted
    Togo to. Our friends SU,
    Dan then joined as we
    went to the middle east.
    Oman what a mistake it
    was too hot so we flew to
    south America. Another
    mistake. This time it was
    too Chile. Den Mark, my
    brother said we should
    go to Europe. Upon arrival
    we were so Hungary.
    Wo ordered chips, bacon,
    mushrooms, sausages,
    fried bread and TURKEY
    swizzlert, Norway am
    I eating that, said su. It's
    full of Greece.


    If two two is twenty two,
    three three is thirty three,
    why isn't one one onety
    one.


    Petrol prices hit an all-time
    low today, as I just drove off
    without paying.

  9. #2184
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I love the build up to Christmas.

    You can shout, "Don't come in my room..."

    The stupid cunts think I'm wrapping presents.




    Why do birds suddenly appear?

    Because they somehow know when you've come into money



    I have learned from cows, hippos, and elephants that it is impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass, salads, and walking.


    I was in the pub with a few colleagues from work when I noticed a fat tattooed girl at the bar.
    I nudged my mate and said, "Look at the state of that."
    He laughed, "Yeah, but I bet you still would."
    "What? Not even after ten pints!" I replied, before looking over at Geoff, the office pervert, "I couldn't say the same about Geoff though."
    "Geoff?" he said, looking surprised, "Blimey mate... I didn't know you were gay."



    I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked. "How are you so good at this?"

    "Years of practice," she replied.

    "Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed.

    "No, I used to be a dude."



    2 women are on a bridge. One says to the other she needed a piss. The other says piss over the side. So she hops on the wall knickers down and just crouches there. Her mate says what are you waiting for. She says there's a canoe in the way. Her mate says that's not a canoe it's a reflection.



    How the fuck can my wife lay next to me snoring for a fucking hour but wake up and ask me what the fuck I'm doing when I'm texting her sister about tomorrow nights date....



    Bank of England raises interest rates by 0.25%

    True. That is exactly how interesting I found that article.




    The Wife told me she wants 12 inches for Christmas.

    Hope she likes the instalment plan I have scheduled for 2022!







    Lewis Hamilton-
    The Dark Knight


    BREAKING NEWS:
    Fury as 14-year-old pupils asked if they have had anal sex in 'intrusive' survey.

    Have you both received and given oral sex at the same time? Question 69.




    Bruce Springsteen sold his entire music catalogue to Sony for $500 million making him a Billionaire.

    In a related story, The Spice Girls sold their Greatest Hits to Charity Shop for £1.99.


    We should adopt the North Korean way of dealing with absurd music and implement it to Adele's fans.



    I have an addiction to phone sax lines.

    Hearing John Coltrane really gets me going.



    Large quantities of grass, hemp and weed were found in the back of a totalled Beamer owned by a local tart.

    Police say the driver ate like a rabbit as well...



    When asked about the rumors he was going to retire from F1 Lewis Hamilton said "I'm not retiring from motorsport completely as I've joined the Stevenage W.I. go karting team so I can race with other old women"



    I bought a Lady Gaga advent calendar. When I got home, I noticed a sticker on the cellophane.

    It read, 'Warning; this product may contain nuts.'


    I just had an advert come on telling me that "Your long wait is over for Adele's new album, '30'."

    The wait had been painful for the whole two seconds since I had been made aware that I was waiting for this.









    Ben Affleck blames his ex-wife, Jennifer Garner, for his drinking.

    Which is exactly how I got through the 2 hours and 33 minutes of Batman v Superman



    Say what you like about Omicron, but your Mum still spreads faster and with more people.




    bought the latest 50 inch OLED all singing all dancing TV to watch the Premiership next year.
    But it had no Leeds.



    I don't go for women who exercise.

    They always expect far too much from me.

    Like, two minutes.



    I read a really interesting list of '10 facts about diarrhea'.

    You'd be surprised at number 2



    99 blue baffoons
    Voting ‘gainst a covid law
    Panic bells, it's red alert
    There's something here
    From somewhere else
    The war machine springs to life
    Opens up one eager eye
    Focusing it upon the lie
    Where 99 blue baffoons go by

    99 Downing Street
    99 ministers meet
    To worry, worry, super-scurry
    Call the troops out in a hurry
    This is what we've waited for
    This is it boys, this is war
    The dumb PM is on the line
    As 99 blue baffoons all lie



    Certain Formula 1 fans seem to really enjoy saying that Lewis Hamilton couldn't lace Michael Schumacher's boots.

    Firstly, it's not a competition and secondly, it's also not much of an insult since Michael Schumacher can't even lace his own boots.



    I loaned my Chinese neighbour a packet of condoms last year. Now he's suing me for a dozen kids born with wetsuits and rain hats.

  10. #2185
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    Sick text jokes

    Just watched a film
    about the "Mayflower"
    which arrived in the New
    World " in 1620 and set
    up New Plymouth which
    They described as" wet,
    miserable and full of
    savages "
    Fuck me.... 400 years on
    and nothing has changed.


    Following Lewis
    Hamilton's visit to the
    Palace, the Queen has
    been unable to find her
    crown, the TV, her mobile
    phone and two corgis.


    Lewis Hamilton -
    The Dark Knight


    Billie Eilish says after
    watching porn at a
    young age, it gave her
    nightmare...
    I watch young age porn
    and it gives me wet
    dreams... Because I'm the
    real bad guy... DuH.

  11. #2186
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    What does Prince Andrew want for Christmas?...

    Santas ability to identify naughty girls.





    What does Prince Andrew want for Christmas?...

    Mummy to pull some strings.



    I don't know what Prince Andrew wants for Christmas, but I do have a sneaky feeling he could be getting a one way trip to Paris.....




    My Father In Law said to me,

    "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."

    "No, just your daughter's head," I replied.



    True Story.
    A shop assistant tried to fool police by swallowing hand sanitiser before taking a breath test, not knowing that anti-bacterial gel actually contains alcohol.
    Her name's Sophie Nutter.......
    I know.



    Lewis Hamilton.

    The black Donald Trump.

    Sore fucking loser and doesn't like paying tax.



    The people who believe abstinence is the only birth control also believe that a virgin got pregnant.




    I don't want to frighten you, but if you take the letters of DELTA and OMICRON, they spell:

    CLARINET DOOM

    This is probably of most concern to woodwind players, but it's alarming nonetheless.






    Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

    Because we are tired of using our own...





    When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting them.

    In other words, criminals only accepting payment in Bitcoin goes a long way back.




    Did you hear about the alcoholic mathematician?

    He started out on doubles, but it ended up as a Fibonacci Sequence.



    minority
    /mʌɪˈnɒrɪti,mɪˈnɒrɪti/

    Straight White Male



    Following SAGE we have BASIL
    Boris And Sajid Implement Lockdown



    When you think about it, Santa's a bit of an old peodo - getting lots of letters from kids, letting them sit on his knee with promises of gifts and then emptying his sack at the end of their beds while their parents sleep in the room next door





    BREAKING NEWS:
    Big freeze BEFORE Christmas: UK is set for -1C plunge from Tuesday... before 'snowbomb' brought by Storm Corrie strikes on Dec 27.

    Is Storm Corrie coming from the fictitious Weatherfield in Salford?



    Mary had a little lamb
    Her husband wanted chicken
    Mary got upset by this
    And gave him a right good kicking


    Mary had a little lamb
    Her husband wanted pork
    Once again she got upset
    And scratched with a fork

    Mary had a little lamb
    Her husband wanted duck
    Mary said oh sod the food
    Let's go to bed and **** !!

  12. #2187
    Join Date
    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
    Bike
    Suzuki 250 1976
    Location
    Lower Hutt
    Posts
    0

    Sick text jokes

    "Well I know it's a
    dangerous time but
    people really like
    Christmas, so just for
    a few days live life as if
    the real world didn't exist
    and we'll sort through the
    wreckage later." ~MP's
    2020
    Fuck me, good thing
    these cunts weren't in
    charge during the blitz.
    It's Christmas, turn the
    lights on and don't worry
    about the planes overhead
    for a day or two because
    'mental health'..


    I gave my neighbour's
    daughter an 'Elf-on-
    the shelf' to lead up to
    Christmas 'and sure her fucking
    mother confronted me
    and said, "There's a
    fucking webcam inside of
    this."
    "Of course, I explained
    already that it would
    watch to see if she's being
    bad or good."


    Trust the supermarkets -
    Christmas just won’t be
    as good if you don't invite
    some nig-nogs around
    your table.


    Looks like household
    mixing will be banned for
    Christmas.
    Might as well fuck the
    turkey then as I'll be
    pretty lonely and will have
    no one to share it with
    anyway, so might as well
    enjoy myself.


    A notice has today gone
    up in Parliament noting
    that the Conservative
    pantomime of Snow
    white and seven Dwarfs
    has been cancelled
    this Christmas, whilst
    there have been many
    candidates from MPs
    of the dwarfs ( Grumpy,
    Sleepy, Dopey, Sleazy )
    the' can't find anybody
    who could pretend to be
    Snow White.


    As the last hour of the
    12 days of Christmas
    draws to an end, 2021, I
    wish you all a Happy New
    Year and hope you all are
    at excited as I am about
    What is to come.


    New shop opened by
    me offering rock bottom
    prices for cutting niggers
    hair. It's called 'Barber
    Black Cheap'


    Marrying a woman for her
    good looks.
    Is like buying a house for
    its wallpaper...


    My Gran was telling me
    about the men she slept
    with back in the day. Stan
    Beard an, Stan Laurel,
    Stanley Baker, Stan Lee,
    Stanley Matthews and
    Stanley Baxter. She had
    a lot of one night Stans
    when she was younger.


    There are some sayings I
    hate to hear.
    "GO BIG or GO HOME" is
    THE worst.
    If I hear that again
    from one more bloody
    prostitute...

  13. #2188
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "Santa, you do a great job, I mean really amazing. The joy you bring worldwide. How you organise it all I will never understand - it just blows my mind. Your leadership too - it`s a pleasure and a privilege to be allowed to accompany you. And with all that, you`re a humble and lovely guy. Now, can I guide your sleigh tonight?"

    "Oh, okay then, Rudolph the Brown-nosed Reindeer."



    It makes a change for Tom Daley to come second.

    And behind a woman.

    Emma Raducanu was crowned BBC Sports Personality of the Year following her triumph at ticking all the boxes...



    What does Prince Andrew want for Christmas?

    According to him, 'To pull a little cracker'.



    I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Perhaps if she'd of sucked him off I might have got a new bike instead of socks and a book.



    Social distancing
    [ soh-shuhl dis-tuhn-sing ]
    noun

    1. Hold Cheese & Wine event in Downing Street and fuck everyone else



    I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom.

    Until they are flashing behind you...



    The boss of pub chain Greene King says bookings are at an all-time low due to COVID.

    It's gotten so bad he's had to rebrand the business.

    Now they're called "Pana King".


    I dread shopping online.
    Just the thought of having to stand up to go and get my credit card.



    Me and my new girlfriend have just started living together and she thought it would be a good idea to invite her posh parents over for a look around our apartment.
    And this is our kitchen, I stated, where we prepare new and exciting dish's using rare and exotic fruits and vegetables. Then we take them into the bedroom to eat.

    Her mother asked, have you bitter melons ?

    Too fucking right, I replied, and I've rimmed her bumhole.



    A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer.

    Than the men who mention it.


    Christmas goodwill be fucked - I've had a nightmare of a day!
    First off, the missus volunteered me to help set up the life-size Nativity outside the local church.
    I got there, we started getting all the bits and bobs out of storage and discovered that the inflatable donkey had a puncture.
    I had to go down Halfords and spend nearly £8 of my own money buying a bastard puncture repair kit to fix the fucking thing then I found out the church's footpump was buggered.
    I took it over the road to the village filling station and shouted through the window to Dai Spanners "Hey Dai, how much to pump my ass?" and the cunt twatted me with a hammer!




    I can't wait for the next iPhone to come out.

    Sure, it's the same as the one I've got now only £300 more expensive, but at least I get to act like a snobby cunt.



    Last night's dance defeat for the two fags means the BBC will probably give them their own series.
    Strictly Come Prancing.
    Or they might put out a Xmas charity song.
    The Fairy's Tale Of Two Cocks.



    I`ve got a great new job, as a genital organ inspector in a major brothel.

    Every day before the punters start to arrive, I get all the girls lined up and make sure everything is in order down below. No sexual diseases, pubic hair neatly trimmed etc.

    Basically, I check all the boxes.





    Ducky Dennis and I are looking forward to Christmas dinner We're going to make sure the turkey is well oiled.lnstead of putting it in the oven we will give it a good spit roast and make sure it gets a good stuffing.

    Oooooooh💕💓




    Thought my Muslim neighbour was showing the spirit of Christmas, when he gave us a box of mince pies. He ruined it when he said: They contain alcohol, we can't eat them.

    I think he's still holding a grudge because I gave him a goat during Ramadan.



    Dominic Raab tells Sky News that the picture taken during the lock down in the Downing Street Garden was a work meeting.

    Fuck me - I wouldn't like to see them relaxing then!

    No. 10's Christmas menu will reflect the state of the nation.
    Prawn cocktail (Boris is attracted by the smell for some reason).
    Brussel Sprouts (create lots of wind-useful for speeches).
    Cranberry sauce (sauce is something a PM who locks us down and then parties till dawn has a lot of).
    Carrots (to dangle in front of the public).
    Gravy (to make a train for all the sleazy MPs).
    And to represent the Tory party itself, an oven-ready turkey. Complete with food that symbolises what they're doing to the country: stuffing.

  14. #2189
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    If I had sex with Santa would that make me a hohohomosexual?


    Many pub names have significant meanings. The Royal oak signifies the tree future king Charles the 2nd hid in to escape Cromwell, the Red Lion signifies all public buildings under James 1 being decorated with his crest and The Duke of York warning all those under 18 to give it a miss.



    Due to Covid restrictions football in Scotland will be "effectively spectator-free"

    So no change there then

    After fearing accusations of racism, 'The Black Bitch' pub in Linlithgow, Scotland is going to be renamed.

    The owners haven't decided on a new name yet, but have suggested calling it 'The Diane Abbott'.



    Last night the wife and I were at a Fancy Dress party; I went as an astronaut and she actually hilariously played along and went as "The Moon.".

    As I was banging the big round fucker in the bedroom later, I could only think, "I'm boldly going where every black man has been before."



    One version of spin the bottle is that when you spin, whoever the bottle points at has to kiss you or give you a penny.

    And that is why Baron Andrew Lloyd Webber is worth £820M



    Christmas is a time of year when I like to take stock.

    The shops are so busy, I always get away with it.



    Alcohol is a perfect solution.

    It dissolves marriages, families, and careers...



    " I saw mummy kissing Santa Claus"
    Don't build your hopes up you silly little Nignog it wasn't your Daddy dressed up, he's been long gone . It was infact your mummy's landlord dressed up and what you didn't see was your mummy sucking Santa's cock to pay off 2 months rental arrears she squandered on booze, crack and scratch cards.


    Paddy and Murphy were having a catch up in the village square -
    "So Morph, how've yer been? Done anything interesting since last time?"
    "No too bad Paddy. Took Mary to dat funfair in town last week, she was nagging me about dat Tunnel Of Love. To be honest, it was a bit of a disappointment, it was dark and uncomfortable and we came out soaked through. Mary was in tears so there wasn't much love on offer I can tell ye!"
    "Bijeesus Murph, dat's terrible, was the boat leaking?"
    “Boat?”



    All these women these days with their trout-pouts, is that a result of wearing a face mask too much?




    My Ducky Dennis helped me get the Christmas tree right up this morning.
    It took me all day to pick all of the needles out of my back passage.

    Oooooooh 💗💋




    Why was the engine and gearbox always arguing?

    There was friction between them.



    My father's golden rule was never to take any shit from anyone, and I've always followed it.

    Got to say, it's not doing my career prospects much good at the colonic irrigation clinic.




    What does Jonathan Ross listen to whilst he's fucking a sheep?


    Wham!



    Brian May has been encouraging people to get vaccinated. You'd think he'd know better.

    Getting pumped with a potentially dangerous fluid from someone you don't know with a dodgy prick in their hands, is exactly what happened to Freddie.




    My nextdoor neighbour has invited me over for a Christmas drink with nibbles.

    He fucking loves that Cat




    Mental masturbation often leaves me feeling like such a jerk off.



    I was having an argument with my boss about how shit he is at his job when he said "you wouldn't be able to run this place if you tried".

    I bent down, laced up my trainers and did 3 laps of the building. That showed him.




    To anyone still concerned about the eating of dog in South Korea ,

    Just remember that in North Korea , the Dogs eat You.

    To anyone still concerned about the eating of dog in South Korea ,

    Just remember that in North Korea , the Dogs eat You.

  15. #2190
    Join Date
    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
    Bike
    Suzuki 250 1976
    Location
    Lower Hutt
    Posts
    0

    Sick text jokes

    My Grandad was a very
    basic "better out than in",
    type of guy.
    Great guy, but shit
    cricketer.


    Anyone who wonders why
    there are no women F1
    drivers should first watch
    them try to negotiate a
    supermarket car park.


    Why do men like having
    sex doggie style in
    December?
    That way they can both
    watch Sports Personality
    of the Year...


    Sir Rod Stewart has
    pleaded guilty to a charge
    of battery, but he said
    He's feeling positive.


    I've just been in London
    and met the biggest
    Nigger I've ever seen called
    Mack who stabbed
    loads of people.
    I wonder what would be a
    good nickname for him?


    Whats the first 3 things
    you notice wrapping when
    you're off your tits on LSD
    at a house party?
    Hand, face, space


    Isaac Newton told his
    publisher "I like big, huge
    tits!"
    But they couldn't write that
    so he reworded it "The
    greater the size of the
    masses, the greater the
    attractive force."


    Only a black bloke could
    write the lyrics "The kid is
    not my son"


    How many sisters does
    it take to change a light
    bulb?
    Nun


    If drugs were legalised
    then BLM would complain
    that their communities
    have lost their income.


    I love google earth VR so
    much I can walk around
    Liverpool without getting
    mugged.


    There's a new Only Fans
    website for Scots.
    It's called Och Aye The
    Nudes.


    "I fucking hate blacks
    Horrible cunts" - I said to
    the wife.
    "Yeah look at them,
    Fucking everywhere.
    Disgusting. They need to
    go in the fucking bin" - she
    said.
    So we threw away the rest
    of our Jelly Babies.


    What do you call someone
    who believes global
    warming is caused by
    humans?
    Environ-mentally
    challenged.


    Mohammed had a little
    goat.
    Lived in the Khyber Pass,
    And everywhere
    Mohammed went,
    He was balls deep in its
    ass.


    A bus driver is never
    early or late. She arrives
    precisely when she wants
    to.
    I hope that's cleared up
    any confusion.


    I met some chess
    enthusiasts in a hotel
    lobby recently. All they did
    was brag about how good
    they were at the game.
    There's nothing worse
    than chess nuts boasting
    in an open foyer.


    "I will look for you, I will
    find you, and I will kill you."
    And just like that Liam
    Neeson's grandson didn't
    want to play hide and seek
    anymore.

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