What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

What's the difference
between my car and my
wife?
In the case of my car, I'm
safe in the knowledge
that someone will provide
a replacement if it "goes
missing."


Dad used to say, Always
be yourself. "
People don't invite me
to fancy dress parties
anymore.


Grandmother was telling
us tales of growing up in
wartime London during
the Blitz. The streetlights
put out, the ant-aircraft
Guns starting up, the
Luftwaffe flying overhead
dropping bombs.
" Terrible times-ordinary
people feared for their
lives whenever there was
a blackout, she said
To which I said, So
actually quite similar to
present - day London."


Considering what most
women want in bed, I
just send pictures of my
tongue.


Michael Gove missed a
BBC interview after being
stuck for 30 minutes in an
elevator.
He should have taken
steps to avoid this.


A man on a date wonders
if he'll get lucky
A woman already knows.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between Boris Johnson
and the Beastie Boys?
The Beastie Boys had
to fight for their right to
party.


The less you love a
woman
The faster your hand gets
tired...


What do you get if you
cross a negro with an
octopus?
A shit hot cotton picker.


I've applied for a job at the
Citroen Museum.
I had to send 2CVs


Im just on my way to a
gynaecologists birthday
It'll be a cracking knees up.

[Bikkie]

Ordering McDonald's breakfast items at 11.02 is like wanting sex with the wife.

You can beg and say it's only two minutes but you still won't get it.




For Sale:
Framed picture of John Lennon’s wife.
£100 ono


M&S rebrands Midget Gems to avoid offending people with dwarfism.

Yeah, right. Let's ban hopscotch so as not to offend Heather Mills.




Britain today is like the Bond film Goldeneye.

They both have a Boris who thinks he is invincible.




My wife says she likes to eat chocolates after a good meal cos it makes the meal more memorable.

While I can see her point, I've so far discovered that going off to a brothel after we've had sex doesn't fit into that logic.



Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on?

Called a day off?



Man claims he has lost 1.5 inches from the length of his penis after COVID.

I must have had Covid three times.



WHO: Half of Europe will get Covid in the next 6-8 weeks.

The last time something spread thru Europe this fast, France surrendered.



God knows how they found the Spy in the House of Commons she was Lay Ling Lo


The Queen famously had an annus horribilis, but I think Andrew's annus is about to get a lot worse.



According to a new poll, almost 90% of women claim they wouldn't want to be Kate Middleton.

Because if there are 3 things women hate.

It's weddings, being the center of attention, and financial security...

I saw this unbelievable thing in American politics where now with Biden's "popularity" about to go under 40%, the lead liberal writer in the USA has called for Hillary Clinton's return and suggested a mix and match with her or all sorts of mix-and-matches for the next Democratic nominee, combinations like Hillary Clinton + Dick Cheney, Clinton + Mitt Romney, Kamala Harris + Hillary Clinton, etc.

When remarked that these combinations of useless people all seemed frivolous and undifferentiated, he replied, "It doesn't matter, they all come with the exact same pull-string on the back that makes them say 'I Love Diversity'."



The New Male: A-Z Dating Guide...

Athletic. No tits...

Beautiful. Pathological liar ...

Contagious Smile. Takes a lot of pills...

Dynamic. Depressed...

Emotionally Secure. On medication / Frequent Psychiatric Visits...

Free spirit. Junkie / Hippie...Gentle...I will be single forever...

Honest Eyes. I'll cheat on you and you'll never know....hehehehe...

I love doing yoga and running with my dog. A really good lay...

Jovial.Princess Only Child...

Kindness. Only calls herself a keeper...

Looking For A Man with ambition. Golddigger...

Mentions the word "Love" in any way shape or form clingy...

No Baby Daddy Drama. Baby Daddy Drama (Lookout!)...

Outgoing. Loud and Embarrassing...

Passionate. Sloppy drunk...

Quick-witted .Easy to anger...

Romantic. Annoying...

Spontaneous. Will Have Sex Anywhere...

Talented.Liar...Unconditional....Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)

Voluptuous.Possibly Fat. Wants. Soul mate Stalker...

Xany. Lazy and Bored quick...

Young at Heart. Father Issues...

Zest. Slept with everyone

[Piper]

The Queen celebrates 70
years on the throne this
year.... How fucking bad is
her constipation?
At least she got rid of one
huge shit today.


The media keep moaning
about Prince Andrew
fingering a 17 year old.
When people say "who in
the right mind would want
to do that?"
Erm, all of us.


Autum 2022, in a court
room in New York, Sir
David Attenborough is
called to the stand to
provide expert scientific
advice on the divisive
question of whether or not
lizards can sweat.


What's the difference
between Prince Andrew
and my lazy fucking
neighbours?
My neighbours have still
got their decorations up.

[Bikkie]

"Suddenly the phone rang..."

Does a phone ever ring not suddenly?



If Djokovic’s case didn’t end with the Australian judge shouting ‘OUT!’ and sticking their arm out to the side, I think an opportunity has been missed.



Everton have gone to Lanzarote for some warm weather training. Well you can't beat the Canaries this time of year.



My Welsh grandfather often said "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging."

Lovely man, terrible coalminer.




I pulled this hot girl at a rock concert and we went back to her place.

Turns out I misunderstood when she said she had loads of Offspring at home.




A recent study reveals women prefer a penis that is proportional to body size.

Another study says, most women define "proportional," as "way bigger."





ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM: If you're quick, you might just make the same flight as Novak Djokovic.




Talk is what you suffer through.

So you can get to the sex.


Like I was telling you we had this "Sensitivity training" and the lady doing it wanted us to do a "Labour simulator"

"No need," I laughed, "I already have a nigger for a neighbour."



I've been thrown out of the Army.

I was having a smoke out the back of the mess hall with my mate, when the Sergeant Major showed up.

We both immediately snapped to attention but he said, 'As you were, lads!'

So I relit my spliff.




I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people.

Between, Six it's fantastic.





Novak Djokovic deported....serves him right....




People think that trans women are not real women

Yet their constant whining, attention-seeking and determination to fucking spoil everything, suggests otherwise




"I know you're desperate to start a family darling but I don't have any Ovums according to the Doctor."
"Well, that's that then." I said..."and, by the way, it's Ova."
"Well fuck you!" She screamed.."I've been shagging your brother on the side anyway."



The most expensive thing in the world ?

A woman who is free for the weekend.



When I die I want my internet search history to be read out at my funeral.

That way all my friends and family will go from being depressed to disgusted.



Prince Andrew is in court. The judge says “you dirty cunt, you deserve 8-10 years”.
Andrew: jackpot!




My new girlfriend told me I am 'one in a million'. Then she started listing her ex-boyfriends and she is right, I am one in a million




I was wondering if anyone knows what happens at a wedding if someone actually stands up and objects at "speak now, or forever hold your peace" ?

I guess we'll find out when my daughter tries to marry that thieving nig nog that's knocked her up this summer.




The arrogance of Prince Andrew is breathtaking. He's releasing a cover of a Genesis track bragging about his noncing exploits...

�� I can't sweat
I can't sing ��
�� The only thing about me
Is the kids I rim ��








David Beckham seen kissing his ten year old daughter on the lips...
Jealous Andrew?




Reasons you don't need a gun:

#1) You can always count on the police to protect you: That's just a fact. Police are proven 100% effective at protecting innocent people!

#2) There's no evidence to suggest the government would ever overstep and try to take away your rights: A government has literally never done this. Don't be so paranoid!

#3) Guns make journalists wet their pants: If you live near a journalist and he hears you own a gun, he may wet his pants. You don't want something like that on your conscience.

#4) Guns are NOT cool and awesome and fun to shoot and useful for protection: Just trust us on this. We're journalists.

#5) Criminals have guns and use them to do bad things: You don't want to be like a criminal, do you?

#6) Nobody's going to break into your house when there's plenty of free stuff to loot at Target: Relax. Seriously.

#7) Your much manlier neighbor already has a gun: You can just borrow his if you really need it!

#8) Gun handling is best left to the professionals: Like Alec Baldwin.

[Piper]

In a strange turn of events
from Downing Street,
it surfaces that Boris
Johnson actually can
organise a piss up.


Breaking News : Global
precious metal markets
drop by 5% after Queen
weights in Prince Andrew's
medals.


Why did the rapper buy a
suitcase?
Tupac


Me: How do I stop my
Wordplay addiction?
Wife: Whatever means
necessary!
Me: No it doesn't...


My ex said she was an
open book.
Unfortunately, it was all
fiction.


... and on the eighth day
God created the orgasm
so that women can
moan even when they are
happy...


British TV is getting
worse. I've just watched
episode 1 of "The Bay."
Judging from the cast
they should rename it
"Bombay"


What’s the difference
between Bruce Wayne's
shovel and Oprah?
One's a Bat Digger and the
others a fat nigger.


What’s the difference
between Optimus
prime and a dead Thai
prostitute?
One is a transformer, and
the other is a former trans.


Telling my wife to calm
down.
Works about as well as
trying to put a cat in a
bag...


My Darling wife told me
about her last boyfriend
earlier who died.
She said I was by his
bedside when he said
on a weak voice, "that
there's something I must
confess"
She said Don't worry about
it there's nothing you need
to confess.
But he insisted, "No I
must die in peace, I'm so
sorry but I've had sex with
your sister on multiple
occasions and last week
she informed me that she
is having my kid"
"I know" she whispered
"That's why I poisoned
yuo, now close your eyes"

.

[Bikkie]

BBC News - A man from Lancashire has been shot by police in Texas.

Fuck me, that's one hell of a good shot.




I bought a lettuce from a greengrocers owned by The Mamas & the Papas but it’s already gone off.
All the leaves are brown…


"UK to dangerous for us to visit", says Prince Harry.

Just keep Lilibet well away from uncle Andrew and you should be ok.



"UK to dangerous for us to visit", says Prince Harry.
Well take your nigger family to Colleyville mate, see if you get a warmer welcome.




Prince Andrew was at the park the other day when a mother sat down beside him. After a while, she leaned over and asked, “Which one is yours?”
He looked at her and said, “I haven’t decided yet.”


It's surprising the Taliban have banned all music.

You'd think they'd be fans of rock's greatest hits.


My menopausal wife has done nothing but complain since we've moved nextdoor to a brothel.

It must be the whore moans.



Last night I watched six junkies having a rave at my local under-pass whilst taking Crystal meth.
Best episode of 'Dancing on ice' I've ever seen.


My mate's granddad didn't want his blind date to know he had Parkinson's disease.

So I suggested he sat there holding a snow globe.



The difference between UK police and the American FBI

If Malik Faisal Akram had taken hostages here our police would have spoken
to him quietly, placated him, spent days talking to him to get him to
surrender. He would spend months awaiting trial, treated to a comfy bed,
plenty of food each day, the warmth of a heater, colour tv, laptop, and a mobile
phone in case he felt the need to talk to someone about his mental health.
He would have been found guilty and sentenced. He would under our laws then
appeal at great cost to the British public where the decision would still be
the same. In all his treatment from arrest to jail would have cost us in excess
of a million pounds.

In America, the FBI shot him dead.

There's a moral here. Hire the FBI to handle our negotiations!


The biggest joke for me over the last two years was watching politicians try to act like they care.. and then watching people believe it. LOL!



Novak Djokovic, Boris Johnson and Prince Andrew walk into a bar.

Novak Djokovic barely makes it past the bouncers before he's kicked out.

Boris Johnson sits in a corner huddled over a laptop pretending it's a "work event".

And Prince Andrew leaves at 9pm when he discovers all the under 18s had gone.




David Attenborough must
have the largest collection
of animal porn in the
world.
Not that I'm jealous

[Bikkie]

Mother Superior giving that talk to the convent school girls.
“Men only want one thing and it’s disgusting.

Anonymous voice , from the back of the room, shouts
“Have you tried washing it ?”


An information leak from number 10 suggests that Boris thought being the party leader meant he had to be at the head of the conga line.




Just won the World championship wanking final.

It was hard work and I had to beat off some stiff opposition



Why does God only let 5% of women into heaven?

Because if God let any more in, it would be hell...


I did so enjoy watching the masters.
Nothing quite like watching nice young men potting in the brown.

Oooooooh


I've applied for a binman job.
I should get it.. I've had plenty of experience going into back passages.

Oooooooh


Oh the noncey Duke of York. He had some underage chick.

He flew her out to Epstein Island and she bounced upon his dick.

Then Epstein was hanging up. Then the Maxwell chick went down.

And the duke’s Mummy twigged, so he’ll never get a crown.



Is anyone still sanitising their shopping load, and leaving parcels untouched for 72 hours I wonder. LOL!


Elton John was holidaying in Tonga when the tsunani hit and he got swept out to sea.

Rescuers managed to find him in the ocean, clinging to a buoy.




1990s
Wife: I'm pregnant,
Husband: that's wonderful I'm going to be a father!
2020:
Wife: I'm pregnant
Husband: that's wonderful, who's the father?



Frank Lampard has been found not guilty of dangerous driving.

Unbelievable. A mobile phone in one hand, a coffee cup in the other. . .all he needed was Christine Bleakley under the dash sucking him off and it'd be a hat-trick.



20% of men have a secret stash of money they keep from their wife, says a report.

. . . I keep mine somewhere my wife will never look in my Porn collection...



Running away from your problems does not count as exercise.



Because the thick cunts in marketing never thought / had the balls to run the ad when Andrew first got caught out:

"Woking Pizza Express - so good you'll forget everything else you did that night."

[Piper]

Should you always listen
to your inner voices?

"Go on" said pride "You
can do it"
"Are you sure?" said
experience "It looks a bit
risky"
"It will be a waste of time"
said the voice of reason
"Go on, why not?" said the
heart "You know you’ve
always wanted to"
"What the fuck was that?"
screamed the anus a
couple of hours later.


Random fact: Crotchless
knickers were invented so
witches could get a better
grip on their broomsticks.


I took my final university
exam to become a
politician last week, but
it was quite hard and I
couldn't answer a single
question.
I passed with a
distinction.



I must say I feel a
sense of pride in how
enthusiastic the inmates
have been towards my
attempt to promote
healthy eating in women's
prisons.
But also slightly
disappointed that they felt
the need to steal the 200
cucumbers I donated to
the cause.


I took my nan to bingo but
I got kicked out doing
a line.


I just got a text from my
girlfriend telling to get to
her house now as she's
feeling horny.
I don't think I will though
because she said to
"make sure to bring
protection". Her brother
must have been released
from prison and the nasty
fucker's never liked me.


Won a holiday to Ceasers
Palace Las Vegas, all I
can eat and drink, plus
five thousand pounds
for the tables, waited on
hand and foot by stunning
women then I hear Adele
has cancelled her shows.
I mean, come on now, just
how lucky can a guy get?

[Bikkie]

Just bought a new frying pan.
It's guaranteed non stick for 5 years.
How do I know this?
There's a sticker on it saying just that....

Oh the irony!



Looking forward to seeing the vote for the most popular BBC programme in history, to celebrate the Corporation's 100th birthday

In which they pretend that the public haven't chosen Only Fools and Horses, written by a white working class man about a white working class family, and instead claim the winner to be anything involving a black transvestite in a wheelchair




Michael,Caine updates his will on a regular basis just to make sure all his assets are included, with advancing age and many of his old acting compatriots now dead, he has finally decided to retrieve his biggest asset.
So if anyone knows how to retrieve gold bullion from a coach in the Italian Alps, he would be grateful for any help or suggestions.as he is no longer as spry as he used to be.




Love may be blind.

But marriage is a complete eye-opener...



My youngest son is at the crawling stage.
Last night he said" your new haircut makes you look much younger, can I borrow £20? "

( credit to someone on the radio )



I forgot to get my girlfriend a Valentines day card last year but I made up for it on Pancake day, I even wrote her a poem.

'Roses are red and I love you to bits,

Here, have a pancake, now show us your tits.'



Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… walked home… and left it there all night. You gotta love George.



Dinosaurs died, and their compressed rotting carcasses became oil. We refine this oil to power and lubricate our vehicles, and run the modern world...... Vegans say they won't use any products made from animals. So if they drive, take the bus/taxi, or use a train, that makes them a bunch of fuckin' hypocrites as well as condescending cunts.


Paddy's working for the railway and his boss say 2 trains are heading towards each other on the same track wat do u do. Paddy's say oid pull the lever and switch tracks. Boss says the lever jammed n paddy say there an emergency one on the track oid run down and pull it. Boss says that ones jammed as well Paddy's say oid phone my brother. Boss says does ur brother work for the railway. N Paddy's say no Boss but he's never saw a train crash.��


Maggie - Charismatic
Major - Boring
Blair - Charismatic
Brown - Boring
Cameron - Charismatic
May - Boring
Boris - Charismatic
??? - Which boring fucker is next?



Best day of my life was when I got a Nobel prize for inventing autocorrect.
I had a lovely phone call from the president, Backache Banana.



The lads and I were in the living room when my wife got in from work.

"Speak of the devil," I said as she came in.

"You lot were talking about me?" she smiled.

"Yes, baby."

"What about?"

"I was just telling them you're the devil," I replied.


Nice to hear Boris Johnson answering a question about Ukraine today.

Instead of another one about his UK reign..




Jonathan Ross was walking out of KFC when he saw a black man heading quickly to the doorway. He said, "Would you like some leeway?"

The black man replied, "It's Leroy. My fucking name's Leroy."



- Kiera D'Amato breaks US women's record for fastest Marathon

It shows the sad state of things when the first thing that comes to mind now for something like this is checking to make sure that "she" is not yet another man or a tranny



Mixed feelings about Djokovich being given the boot from the Australian Open.

Undoubtedly one of the best Serbs in modern tennis.

But you could say it serbed him right.



Two of the kids my wife and I had are twins and they always really fucking hated that my wife would dress them in matching outfits and such even when they were older.

I think it's why to this day my son and daughter won't fucking speak to her.



Just saw the hungarian version of 'only fools and horses'-"A lo, A lo, A lo!"



I told the secretary at work that "Just one look at your pretty face and I get so rock-hard I feel like I could cum instantly !"

She sneered at me, "Have a thought for your poor wife !"

"And that thought just fucking killed it instantly..."




Being dyslexic, I'll never be a best man now.

The bride and groom weren't happy when I showed them face visors, gloves and a gas bottle and said I had everything sorting for their welding.




James Bond likes his Virgina's shaven not hairs




Robin Hood's Little John Maid Marian (turn) Scarlett Much to the Miller's amusement



The visit by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex to the UK will go ahead after all. Dennis Waterman has agreed to provide security for a monkey a day.

[Piper]

Prince Andrew joined the
local guitar class, then
quit when he realised
'A Minor' and 'G-string'
weren't what he thought
they were.


I've only got three albums
in my collection. Two
by Meatloaf and one by
Michael Jackson.
Two out of three ain't Bad


Arsenal have a player
named white and he is


"Irishman faces 20 years
in jail for mooning on New
York flight"
Bare your arse on a plane
and spend the next 20
years baring your arse?
Poetic justice?
And no fairytale in New
York


Andrew Lloyd Webber
went on the masked
Singer. The audience were
shouting "keep it on!


I see the Cure recently
played at an AIDS benefit
concert. I bet there were a
few disappointed people
there after reading the
poster.


Arnold Schwarzenegger
was involved in a multi-car
crash.
He really should stop
chasing Sarah Connor.

[Bikkie]

It's been 4 weeks since Christmas and I'm still finding glitter under my foreskin.


I think my wife's having an affair with a lighthouse keeper. Someone keeps ringing the house asking if the coast is clear.

Nod to Jeff Stelling




Adele has only been with that black guy for a few months, and already she can't be fucked working.



About twenty years ago I had the misfortune to have to spend a weekend in Newcastle. Anyway, I had a look around and found myself in the Newcastle United football club shop. They had all the usual stuff and I spotted an empty glass cabinet,

"Wow, " I said to an assistant, "you're keen up here, fancy selling a replica of your trophy cabinet. "




16 and Pregnant.
15 and Fucking.
14 and Sucking.
13 and Licking.
12 and Fingering.
11 and Touching.
9 and Kissing.
8 and Wondering.

Welcome To Our Fucked Up Generation...



Prince Andrew once snapped at Meatloaf 'You can't touch me, I'm royal'
Virginia Giuffre once snapped at Prince Andrew 'You can't touch me, I'm 15'



I was in a French restaurant doing a crossword when I asked my waiter , " what's another word for witchcraft " ?
He instantly spilt soup down my shirt and replied, " sorcery "
I said, " so you should be you clumsy twat "



My local Chinese have asked the public for a name of a new spicy dish they have made.

Bat out of Hell has been rejected although it was the most popular vote.



Do you remember that case where that Welsh Wicca Wizard got caught f*cking a goat on his allotment when he got spied from a passing train?
You know what that proved?
That there was at least one English tourist on that choo-choo to call the old bill....



I do, I do, I do, I do, I do , I do, I do.

A bride with a stutter's favourite abba song




In 1978, the Clash addressed urban isolation with their single "(White Man) In Hammersmith Palais".
In 2023, the 45th anniversary of its release, a new mix will reflect the changing times.
Title: "(White Man) Just About Anywhere In London."



‘Schoolboy loses both nipples after dare to freeze them with two cans of Lynx’

Who knew that the Lynx Effect was so potent!



The most successful womens football team of all time is Arsenal. That says all you will ever need to know about womens football.


I spent too long in the north of England.

I was starting to think that China in Your Hand was sung by The Pau.





"Pick a card, any card."

"This one."

"Fuck off Leroy, try something other than the race card for a change."


A South African visits the quack & says - "Help! My cock has fallen orf."

"No panic" the doc says - "I'll sort you a new one." He looks in his drawer before saying - "Hmm we only have 1 cock left & it's bleck"

"BLECK? Ok fine, anything" - says the SA guy. The doc pulls out the huge black cock & says - "Here. But before using it, bear in mind it's full of jizz so you'll have to have a wenk."

"A WENK? No I can't do thet, it's against my religion. You'll have to take it beck." - says the SA chap.
"It's ok" - the doc says - "It's fake spunk, you could say it fires blenks."

"BLENKS? In that case I'll take it. How much is it?" he says opening his wallet. "It's ok" - doc says "New cocks are included in your medical plen. Sign here & orf you go."

The S African bloke gets home and says to the wife - "Darling, I got a new bleck cock.
Bend over and let me do you up the orse so I can shift its spunk. It's ok though - it's full of blenks."

The wife looks confused & says - "If it's full of blenks, why do you want to do me up the orse?"

"Becorz" he says - "I orsked the doc what you'd think & he said women loved these bleck cocks. You can tell by the look on their feces."

[Bikkie]

Breaking news....

The Conservative party have now changed their name to the Conservative work event.




BREAKING NEWS:

'...Meghan Markle won't come back to the UK.
She's frightened she'll have to travel in the Bike Lane.'




BBC News - John Lennon's eldest son Julian is selling several pieces of music history from his personal collection.

I had a look, but the good stuff was already gone and now it's much too late for good buys.



The number of people who are pleased to see Vanessa Feltz on television, is identical to the amount of times I have gone skateboarding on the rings of Saturn




The annual n.a.t.o. alphabet party took place in NOVEMBER last year in a HOTEL in INDIA. all the guests flew there on DELTA airline. VICTOR ,the YANKEE got there late having got on the wrong flight ending up in QUEBEC. OSCAR, ALPHA nd MIKE from heartbeat turned up wearing their UNIFORM. After going through the airport
XRAY they arrived in time for the FOXTROT and TANGO competitions which were won by ROMEO and JULIET. the food came from a nearby PAPA john. LIMA ck did a comedy routine but stopped when a waiter named CHARLIE began to KILO ver. Someone shouted where's his wife ZU LU? No she's on the GOLF course. Quick take him out for some SIERRA nd give him some WHISKY. When he recovered shouts of BRAVO ECHOed around





BREAKING NEWS:

Alan Carr confirms split from husband Paul Drayton after 13 years together.

Such a shame, especially as Carr bent over backwards to please him.


I asked my Muslim mate if he liked Tiktok.

He replied, "Oh yes, and the boom!"




See Meatloaf has called it Aday


Prince Andrew's former maid tells how she ‘was left in tears after “demanding and entitled” royal forced her to run up four flights of stairs to close his curtains.

I'm assuming shower curtains.




It's true alcohol kills people.

But how many are born because of it?




what's the difference between making rice today then in 1945?

You didn't need to go nuclear to cook it.

Paddy was asked by an interviewer if he was Anti Vax?

He said "Better ask the wife. She bought the vacuum cleaner"


Andrew Lloyd Webber went on the masked singer. The audience were shouting "keep it on!"


I drove my daughters guinea-pig to the vets this morning.
My golf is really improving.



I've just finished doing my lines in detention.

The teacher sold me some fucking good gear.





The wife just gave me the "I'm leaving and taking the kids with me" speech.

I took it surprisingly well.


Gave my wife an early VD card today -

'Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I caught Venereal Disease at Dave's stag-do.'



I always said I would never molest my pet lions,but eventually I had to swallow my pride.

[Piper]

My crazy ex drugged and
tied me to the bed last
night, then whipped and
fucked me to within an
inch of my life.
I'm not sure she fully
understands the term
restraining order.


Strange that in the time
of Operation Yewtree,
Robbie Williams can sing
The Kids Are Alright and
escape a quizzing.


The price of Oil has
dropped again.
The masseuse and porn
industries are very excited.


A member of the KKK has
made his own Star Wars
movie.
I'm not sure how "The
Empire Strikes Black" got
authorised though.


Kids in the backseat make
accidents.
And accidents in the back
seat make kids...




Why did Australians create
Fosters?
So ugly people would have
a chance at having sex.


I'll never forget the time
burglars broke into my
shed and stole the logs I
had stored for the winter.
That was my Woodstock.


I used to work in the deaf
school for girls.
I could never get used to
the fact that they couldn’t
hear you coming.


I know it's humid right
now in Australia but this
is ridiculous. My Fitbit
claims I had a 21 minute
swim yesterday.


I told my son to "beware
of Deadly Nightshade"
"What, dad?.... We're not
camping, we're in central
London"
"Exactly"


A woman is like a
suitcase :
Both are hard to carry and
a pity to throw away.

[Piper]

Peter Dinklage has
criticised Disney's
decision to produce a
live action remake of
Snow White and the
Seven Dwarfs saying
it reinforces negative
stereotypes about little
people.
What a little fucking
hypocrite. I've criticised
all 37 of the disgraceful
porn versions I've watched
online and not once have
I heard him say anything
about them.


Peter Dinklage has
slammed the remake
of Snow White and
Seven Dwarfs, calling it
'backwards.'
I guess he'll be playing
Grumpy then.


Radio 5 this
morning... debate on
dwarfism...
One dwarf... "We're a tiny
minority"!


Breaking news : Disney to
rename new film as "Snow
Anycolour and the seven
average sized people" to
keep the PC fruit loops on
board.


Disney have responded
to Peter Dinklage and
named a dwarf star in his
honour... Peter Twinklage.
He is a little angry.