What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74



Rioting in Belfast over immigration has united Loyalists and republicans.

1920s: "Come out ye black and Tans".
2020s: "Come out ye blacks and tans".



"I want to live in a world where there's only love, no hate; a world where everyone is civil with and supports each other..."

Have these people not seen the Pornhub comment section?




It's getting ridiculous now with this PC woke lefty bullshit, I can't even say Charlie Brown


You're now supposed to say, "Two grams of cocaine please Tyrone"




What the pickpockets stole from Arsenal players during their preseason dinner:

- 46 condoms

- 12 packets of hair gel

- 9 combs

- 7 business cards for abortion clinics

- 6 business cards for escort services

- 5 packets of Viagara

- 4 grams of coke

- 3 shivs

- 2 brass knuckles

- 1 nipple clamp



Paddy: They should kick all these immigrants out of the country.

Murphy: Weren't your ancestors immigrants?

Paddy: Yes.

Murphy: Maybe we should kick them out, too.




My car engine is making a noise

It keeps going, "Qué? I know nothing. Qué? I know nothing"

Should've got one in automatic, not Manuel




Olympic Pole Fault

All in all it’s just another prick in the vault.

The French lose second Battle of the Bulge.

Once again, man fails at keeping it, “just the tip.”

While in France, you must try the Coq au Vin.

Is it true how you lost? Oui-Oui.

Frenchman gets cock blocked.

Olympian loses match, gains 2 million Only Fans subscribers.

Le Grand Boner.

French Shafted again.

Epic fall in Friday’s Cock Exchange.

Done in by a Jumbo Franc.

Monsieur Forgottotuck.

King Richard the Second makes Olympic appearance.

Pole vaulter self disqualifies by using unsanctioned pole.

Another dick at the bar ruins the party.

Root cause for failure.

The higher the leap, the harder it is.

Jump Lump Stump.

French pole vaulter signs deal with overstock.com.

Skunked by Junk.

French Olympian wins “most popular” in Olympic Village.




t's amazing that Muslim men are so good at grooming considering that the most basic element of any grooming regime is washing.



I was rimming this bird and I said "Christ, my tongue is burning!"
She said
"yeah, that's my peri-perineum"



Break dancing at the Olympics?!.

Narrowly edged out Bingo as a spectator sport.



A man once told me that knowledge is power

Then he told me that power corrupts



What do you call a white slave?

Whipped cream





An Irish bloke goes for an interview on a building site and the foreman decides to see how thick he is.
He says -"what's the difference between a girder and a joist?"
Paddy thinks for a moment and says "girder wrote Faust and joist wrote Ulysses"




A 4th grade teacher was asking her students what type of work their fathers do. She got the usual responses, salesmen, office managers, doctors, engineers, construction workers, etc..However little Johnny was very quiet, so when the teacher asked him, he said, "My Dad is an exotic dancer at a gay night club and takes his clothes off in front of other men and they put money in his thong and sometimes he goes home and has sex with some of the customers if the price is right". The teacher was visibly shaken by this response and took Johnny outside and asked, " Is that really true what you just said?". Johnny said, "No, he actually works for the Republican National Conference and is trying to get Donald Trump re-elected. I'm just too ashamed and embarrassed to say that in front of the other students"



Mick bursts into the Benefits Office and says,
"I've been ringing 08001730, for three days now and nobody answers!"
The receptionist replies,
"Those are our opening hours".




King Charles is in two minds about hosting a state banquet for Korea.

On the plus side, it's an opportunity to off-load some of his mum's old corgis.
On the downside, he's worried he might be on the menu.

[Piper]

"The only time you should ever struggle
with the definition of a woman is when
You're judging a female bodybuilding
competition."


"I accidentally clicked on a pop-up that
said I'd won free tickets to see Adele in
Las Vegas.
Thank fuck all I got was a virus."


Butler: "The Class of 92" is on sir"

Prince Andrew: "Bollocks.Pass me
the chequebook."


"Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it finally accepted it would never
escape the stereotype."


"Some people drink deeply from the well
of knowledge.
Some just rinse and spit "


"What's the hardest part about having sex
with a Monkey?
Trying to stop it peeling your dick before it
sucks you off "


"I've just had a wank over a Minion
Despicable me!!"


"My drug addiction took me to some dark
places
Brixton, Lewisham,Toxteth,Chapeltown
and St.Paul's to name but a few."


"I just passed by a dentist that only do dogs,
so I got him to do my canines."


"Smirking.

People from the north think this involves
cigarettes."

[Bikkie]

I was at a swingers party in Paris recently. When I drew my keys from the bowl, there were two sets in it, and I was the only bloke left. The organiser said "you're in luck, you'll have to take them both."

"Really??" I smiled.

"Yes," he replied. "And it gets even better! They're both top sportswomen!!"

"You're kidding me," I said in disbelief.

"No, honestly," he replied. "They've both just won Olympic Gold in the Women's Boxing."




Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.




It is recommended that a bottle of spirits should last two weeks per person.

Recommended by square killjoy cunts.




I'm not saying my new girlfriend's led a sheltered life.

But she thinks having a sex drive is a going on a trip to a dogging site.



Jermaine, all you had to do was ask Ronan Keating for a lend of his phone.

Hardly difficult.



The wife's heavily involved in the second-hand sex toy business.

It's costing me a fucking fortune.



A queer man walks into a country bar and says, 'Just to let everyone know, I'm queer but won't hit on anyone. I just like folk music.' The bartender says it's fine and the bloke stays.
The next day the same bloke comes back with another bloke and says, 'This is my brother. I just want everyone to know we're both queer but won't hit on anyone.' We just like folk music.' The bartender says it's fine and there's nothing to worry about and both blokes stay.
The next day the bloke comes back again. This time he's got even more men with him and says, 'These are my cousins and brother. I just want everyone to know we're all queer but won't hit on anyone. We just like folk music.'
The bartender says it's really, really, really fine. Still, he finally gets curious and probes, 'Oi, doesn't anyone in your family like women?'
The queer man replies, 'Yes, but she doesn't like folk music.




What's the true definition of misogyny?


Women who hate eachother




Sexual health experts say you need to change a condom after 35 minutes.

Does that include the 30 minutes needed to find someone?




Why are people suddenly fearful of AI?. For years, most organisations I deal with have employed AI:

An Idiot.




Barack Obama informed the world at Kamala's Coronation that "Donald Trump is small in the pants"

Of course, with the size of Michelle's horse cock, everyone else's is going to look small.




"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on two legs?"
"Ooo I don't know son"
"Mickey mouse"
"Ahhh good one, son"
"OK, son, what kind of duck can walk on two legs?"
"Ha ha Donald duck?"
"No all of them you little fucking idiot!"

"I love you dad"
"...."



I now identify as a Dwarf.

My pronouns are Hi/Ho.



Taylor Swift has smashed Michael Jackson's 35 year old record.

Blimey, how many kids did she have to molest?


Taylor Swift has smashed Michael Jackson's 35 year old record.

Well, I beat her to it!

Used my copy of 'Bad' as a frisbee back in 2022.





My teenage daughter has just got ready to go out at 4pm in the afternoon. She has a very low cut top on with no bra, her tits are bouncing all over the place, a skirt so short her arse is on display with tiniest thong you can imagine to be clearly seen, five inch fuck me shoes and a proper sexy pair of stockings,

"Failed your exams? " I asked,

"Yes, " she replied, "just off out to work. "




What do you get when you cross country music with rap?
Crap



My boss called me all angry and asked, "Where are you?". I said, "I'm here at work but you can't see me because I identify as 'TransParent', my pronouns are Who/Where"

[Piper]

1666, August 31st Samuel
Pepys sits in a coffee
shop near the Exchange
in London, bemoaning the
price of his favourite drink.
As he drinks he ruminates
over the last couple of
years and prepares to add
yet another diary entry.

That damned plague
had cost en me fortune,
not only that but I was
imprisoned in my own
home for months at a
time.Food deliveries were
random and often non-
existent.I fear a famine
by Christmastide.Milord
Hyde, Chancellor,wishes
to liberate the felons, to
work them in the fields
and have them ferry the
food to London.
Secretary of State,Bennet,
Earl of Arlington, would
have us guard the borders
against incursion from the
continent.
The economy is virtually
ruined,imports and
exports have drastically
tumbled and I fear a
new tax to resurrect the
country.
Hopefully things can.change.

Two days later they did.

A lesson from history?

[Bikkie]

I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised.

"What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?" I enquired.

"No..." he said, "... hurdles."




Elton John is said to be suffering with a severe eye infection.

The brown one, no doubt.



What's the difference between eye mist and eye drops?

You can take the eye mist while driving.




London rejoices as AfD win seat in German parliament and announce plan to send V2 rockets to Westminster.




Just had a circumcision.

There goes 75% of my cock.



My sexual thoughts about Debbie Harry and my hobby of burgling timber merchants go hand in hand


I steal wood




Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.



News: Ofsted will n longer rate schools with one word grades

New grades are reported to be:
1. F**king cool
2. so so
3. Need a kick up the ass
4. F**king crap.

All schools start at crap but they can improve:
1 grade with decent lunch provided to investigators
2 grades with a decent bribe
3. Grades with Access to year 6 girls



Life insurance application.

What do you do for work ?

I hang from 80 story buildings whilst doing plumbing and electrical work.

Sorry sir we cant help you.





Anxiety: Everything is fucking important
Depression: Nothing is fucking important
ADHD: I have no fucking idea what's important




People are so sensitive, you can't even make "that's what she said" jokes anymore.

Got many people offended for some reason for saying "that's what she said" simply to reply to someone saying "no"




32 other countries have a greater life expectancy than the U.S.A.

This is due to obesity, smoking, and guns...




When I got home from my business trip to Leeds the other day, my wife was loading the washing machine. ‘Any whites?’ she asked me. ‘No, they’re all Pakis’ I said.



Oasis plans to make it up to devastated fans after the Ticketmaster fiasco.

Roll with it.




My band "Oasis Secret Show" played a sold out gig last night in front of 500 angry people.



Waiting in the queue for tickets to the oasis concert for over 3 hours,

Then they say sorry you have been removed from the queue due to an error.

I said what am i supposed to do now?

They respond saying,

You gotta roll with it,
you gotta take your time. PS,
Dont look back in anger.



My wife is a massive oasis fan and today I sat on the computer for 10 hours today with Mags waiting in a queue for Oasis tickets and finally at 3 10 in the afternoon we got the notification I'd been waiting to hear.


They'd sold out.





Just listened to 'The Best Of Oasis'.


That's two minutes I'll never get back.



TOP TIP: Save yourself the hassle & expense of getting Oasis tickets by simply standing in your back garden, cover yourself in beer & piss and play Beatles songs through your window




Thank fuck I didn't get Oasis tickets.


They broke up while I was in the queue.




I was one of the lucky ones who didn't get Oasis tickets.




Absolutely buzzing to have picked up 4 Oasis tickets from a guy advertising on Facebook!

Poor bloke got them on early release but can’t go because of his brother’s wedding, money transferred. Let’s go!



Noel Gallagher told a journalist that things will be very different this time round.
"I've learned a fourth chord and Liam won't be allowed a tambourine" he said with his wee slug face.



All these kids coming out of the woodwork to be so-called Oasis fans.

I bet they couldn't even name two flavours.



If I see the one liner
“I said maybeeeeee”
in reference to Oasis tickets going on sale, just one more fkin time…

…c*nts are getting unfriended!



Oasis together again after 15 years?
I've been waiting 25 years for Coldplay to split up !









I've never felt what it's like to have sex as a woman.

Because I'm not.




I was walking down the street with my wife and she suddenly said "look, there's Justin Welby over there at the bust stop, the Archbishop of Canterbury"
I said "nah, it can't be"
She said "go and ask him"
So I went over.
When I came back, she said "well, what did he say ?"
I said "he just told me to fuck off"
My wife said "well, I suppose we'll never know now"



There I was, standing in the lobby at Claridges, when the lift doors opened and out strode a tall, glamorous, familiar looking woman followed by the rotten egg stink of fart methane and a retinue of minions choking on the stench.
"What's going on?" I asked one of them.
She gasped "Taylor's whiffed".



Thanks to female weightlifters, I get to admire the women's snatch, periodically.

These days that's the only legally sanctioned blood sport.




However reluctant we might be, we have to admit the most accomplished man at having sex ever is probably Muslim.

GOAT fucker.




I tried crossing a feline with some punctuation. It was a catastrophe.



I was out on a first date and she said "there's a right hard looking bloke over there by the bar, staring at you"
I said "don't worry, I know how to look after myself" I Ionly eat organic, have a pedicure once a month and always get 9 hours sleep"




What's the difference between me and American clothing?

I don't come in all sizes.



By the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in the U.K.

So by 2050 we'll all be saying, "I'm not racist. One of my best friends is white."



Today...
I told my really hot co-worker how I felt...
... and she said she felt the same.

So I turned on the air conditioning.



In a Scottish restaurant I ordered the sausage, gravy and mash.

I couldn't help noticing the sausage tasted odd.

I was getting hints of Buckfast, cigarette ends, heroin, failure, and deep-fried Mars bars.

I asked the waiter, 'What kind of sausage is this?'

He replied, 'Oh, that's our Cumbernauld Sausage.'



Kids today don't do nothing,

They don't even know who Neil Armstrong is,

Never mind the fact he played the trumpet...



My missus has just sat down for a ciggie and a beer in our local beer garden,

"Who are you ringing?" she asked

"Hello, yes police please. "



Some lad attacked me with a bat in the park last night.

To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well..




I got into a car accident with a transvestite driver, we are both OK.
It was just a little genderbender.




Help! I've just shat myself and I need to clean my trousers. You got anything?

Detergent?

Course it fucking is !!




I've just seen a video on Instagram of Apollo 17 leaving the moon in 1972.

We know this is fake because Instagram wasn't around in 1972.




Mirror mirror on the wall
Why is my tiny cock so small?

Jeremy Jeremy can't you see
It's because you drive flash cars on TV




Having sex with a dead body is like enjoying a beer.

Sometimes you just want to lay back and open up a cold one




Today, I donated £1000 to an LGBT charity.

I’ll do anything to help them find a cure.




Had sex whilst using a Zimmer frame.

Joined the mile an hour club.




Imagine my disappointment when I watched "Fantastic beasts and where to find them" all the way through,
then I realised It had actually said "Beasts" not "Breasts"



My sex life is like Coca-Cola.

First it was normal, then Light and now Zero.




I watched a film about woke women over-reacting to compliments.

Despicable MeToo




Surely the #metoo movement is fundamentally flawed? Seeing as the subject of the statement is "me" rather than an object, then the correct way to phrase it would be "I too" or #itoo

Come on feminists, if you're going to start narcissistic hashtags, at least get the fucking grammar right



It ain't half hot mum.

What do you expect?

They don't fuck about in the crematorium.

[Piper]

Just visited a horror
theme park dedicated
to Gloria Gaynor. Scary
stuff, I'm ok now but at
first I was afraid,I was
petrified.

( Gloria Gaynor is 80 today )


I've always had an
admiration for bands who
name themselves to Suit
their appearance.Like
Motley Crue,The Specials
and The Misfits.
Oh, and The Floaters....


I went into the bank the
other day.The woman
behind the counter said
"You should be wearing a
mark" so I said,"oh thanks
for reminding me"....Then
I put on my balaclava and
robbed the place.


A large woman was
shopping for shorts in our
local sports shop.
She came out of the
changing room and asked
me."Do these shorts
make my arse look fat?"
I replied,"No-it's the fat
that makes your arse look
fat."


How can you spot
Quinton Crisp in a chip
shop?
He's the one with the
battered sausage in his
mouth.


Once married the woman
takes over the entire
wardrobe
And the man stores
everything he owns in a
shoebox...


A new study suggests that
if a man has his testicles
removed,he lives longer.
In other words, married
guys live longer.


Treated my first night date
to 70's sexual experience
tonight.I shagged her on
the floor....she had Little
Willy by The Suite ...


My wife said I love being
married.
It's so great to find that
one special person you
want to annoy for the rest
of your life.


There was something I
needed to tell my wife, but
I couldn't remember what
it was,so she suggested
retracing my steps to jog
my memory.
Anyway, that's how I
ended up back in her
sister's bedroom.


The wife said to me last
night.
"Think of me a Dolly
Partons tits "
"Pamela Anderson arse."
I said,"Fuck me I wish it was
dark...."


I once used to work at a
slaughterhouse where all
the pigs that clearly had
some feelings like dogs
would get strung up and
strangled by a metal wire
and drained of blood as
they died
All this was fine,but fuck
just one of them up the
arse and the fucking
SPCA get involved.


My boss said,"As part of
our cost-saving drive we're
installing energy-efficient
lights in the toilets.They
work on a motion detector
system.
I replied,"That's all fair and
well,but what if I'm just
going in for a piss?"


I've been married for 20
years.
A ghost is my only hope
of ever experiencing
moaning in the bedroom
again.

[Bikkie]

"No hard feelings."

The best way to forgive a friend.

The worst way to reject a gay guy that's into you.



R.I.P.

James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader, has passed away at the age of 93.

"Welcome to the "Darkside"



The only black man to say "I am your father"




I started my new job as a Bingo Caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers out..
I farted out loudly.
My Boss immediately came over and whispered in my Ear,
"Please don't do that again"..??
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair Enough", he replied,
"But there was no need to hold the Microphone to your Arse".



I've just found the answer at the bottle of a bottle

Best before 6/11/24



The wife's acting suspiciously lately.

I found a tracker in my work bag today.

She's never put a chewy cereal bar manufactured by Mars Incorporated in there before.



I went to the barbers and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So he put a big cushion on the chair.




If you're in the countryside & people you don't know say hello, they're being friendly.

If you're in town & people you don't know say hello, they're mentally ill.




Will Jennings, Oscar-winning lyricist of My Heart Will Go On, dies aged 80.

Lying bastard.




Whale alleged to be Russian ‘spy’ died after stick became lodged in its mouth, say Norwegian police.

It was a USB stick.




Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Opportunist: Drinks both glasses while the other two are arguing about it.



I have my eye on a flashy property on the coast. Easy to maintain, too. Only a little light housekeeping required.




I know the Royals get a lot of flak but I absolutely love them


The thought of Camilla squatting on a glass table when I'm moments away from the vinegar strokes has practically saved my marriage




There is a proposal to build a new sewage works near me. There is much local opposition, but it will bring a lot of jobs to the area.




I took my clarinet back to the music shop,

"I don't know what it is, " I said, "I can only seem to be able to play one tune on it, Perfect Day, nothing else seems right or in tune. "

"Let's have a look, " said the assistant as he dismantled my clarinet,

"ha, there's the problem, looks like it was fitted with a Lou Reed. "



I was watching blind football at the Paralympics.

It reminded me of watching Man Utd.



Four years ago, teenager Zabihollah arrived in Britain, Coventry, to begin a safer life away from Afghanistan.

Zabihollah said, "There were threatening gangs and fights, youths brandishing knives, no morals or respect".

"I'm heading back to Afghanistan", he added.




Germany's far right party leader, Bjorn Hocke, is so fascist, his pronouns are Him/Ler.



Being an ugly fucker, my mate couldn't understand how beautiful women were so easily attracted to me,

"How do you do it?" he asked.

"It's this after shave I made, here " I said, " smell this. "

He sniffed the sample and exclaimed, "Fuck me, it smells like fifty pound notes. "



Every pothole starts small...
after being ran over by many different cars it grows...
and soon the cars will start avoiding it.

The same rule applies to vaginas.



"I was reading yesterday that the finger isn't a good test for prostate cancer."

"Zip yourself back up Doc. I'm not falling for that one again."




We went to my son's graduation and the family sitting next to us had a 100 year old man in uniform and in a wheelchair who stormed the beaches of Normandy.

The school's speaker started off, "Today, we recognize the most exceptional bravery.... an incredible 8 boys showed up here today bravely wearing dresses and panties under their robes."



"I ordered a "deep shawarma bowl" and this is more of a plate than a bowl. This is blatant false advertising and I want a refund."

"It is not false advertising sir. Deep is the Indian who prepared it for you."




Acupuncture. What’s the point?



True story.

One morning I got to work to find my boss warming her feet on a radiator next to her desk. When I said hello, she used her feet to swivel her chair around and return the greeting.

I said it looked like such a Bond villain move that I half-expected her to be stroking a hairless cat.

She said, "I'll have to make sure I'm prepared for that in future."

I said, "... by shaving your pussy?"



Your favourite Oasis song tells a lot about you.
For example, if you have a favourite Oasis song you probably have bad taste in music.



I was watching some vintage porn earlier when suddenly my wife walked in.
That was a shock. I didn't even know she used to be in the porn industry.




I'm going to see my favourite MC at the weekend.

MC Donald's.

[Piper]

I was just out playing golf with Trump there
in Florida.
I think he misunderstood me when I said
"Your shot next."

[Bikkie]

I know hitting women is a bad thing..

I break a controller on every console I've ever owned

And I love games.

Credit : lemaire lee




If you're trying to cut into beef but you miss it then that's a mistake.



Scientists say that pubs replacing pints of beer with 2/3 pints could have a positive impact on public health.

I don't see how buying 4/3 pints every time I go to the bar is likely to do my liver any good.



Aston Villa are playing “young boys” at Wankdorf stadium this evening.

You couldn’t make it up.
These jokes sometimes write themselves.



I was asked if i wanted to to join a naked jogging group It's when u jog without headphones without ur phone and without ur fitness watch I wish they had told me earlier




🎵🎵🎵🎵 (Cool for Cats)
Haitian immigration to the US on the rise
With open borders "virtue" it should not be a surprise
To all you good Americans who feel financial squeeze
They're coming for your pets like the Koreans and Chinese
And you're the last ones your left-wing government will appease
So maybe it really is time to brandish baseball bats
Because, all things considered, it does not look cool for cats...



All those rifles in America and not one fucker can shoot straight.




Until they named him, I assumed the would be Trump assassin was Kevin Spacey

He's another one who's terrible at concealing his weapon in a load of bushes




A company wants to help army wives by giving them sex toys that can be controlled by their husbands deployed overseas.

Working nickname for the device—"The Drone Bone."




My dad's motto was, 'One out, all out.'

Great union rep.

Shit dentist.



I've cut down on my drinking...

now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.



Donald Trump is safe following an apparent assassination attempt at his Florida golf course, from a man with a rifle.

You'd think he'd keep away from ranges.



Americans don't mess about when it comes to golf etiquette.
Attempting a shot out of bounds and claiming it's from the rough results in the FBI being called.
Nothing in the rules to say you can't have an AK-47 in the bag, so assuming he hadn't paid his green fees.




Donald Trump is quite a fan of the occasional conspiracy theory

So I'm not surprised he's refused his second booster shot.




I discovered a tiny space in a Scotsmans loft, where he was keeping whisky miniatures, I thought this is a little dram-attic.



I got my wife a bowling ball for her birthday,

"The holes are too big and my fingers fall out, " she said.

"Yeah, " I replied, now you know how I feel. "




How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

One of the many questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse.



It's no wonder people think I'm a maverick taking drugs while flying planes.

I'm on the high way to the danger zone.



Me at 16: This radio station is playing my favorite song.

Me at 21: This bar is playing my favorite song.

Me now: This grocery store is playing my favorite song.




It's 2024 the international space station is 250 miles from earth and they can't manage to get two astronauts home.

However, 55 years ago in 1969 my generation managed to fly men to to moon, which by the way is 24,000 miles away, walk on it and fly back no problem.

What happened ?




Who is Sam Smith's favourite ex-footballer?

Steve McThemathem.



What's better than finding 3 black men in a barrel?

Finding 1 black man in 3 barrels.

You rhought it was going to be a racist joke.



Jay Blades charged with coercive & controlling behaviour


Well he must be innocent cos he's never asked me to do anything



On tonight's tv, repair shop where we try to fix Jay's tattered reputation.



I'm completely against stereotyping certain groups of people.

Black people: Jay Blades has been charged with controlling and coercive behaviour towards a white woman.

Rock stars: Dave Grohl who lives the ultimate rock n roll lifestyle has just fathered a child outside of his marriage.

I was shocked to hear about Dave to be honest.



Looking at the aviary, my wife asked if I'd ever kept budgies.

"I used to have a couple of finches," I told her.

"You still have," she frowned.



My girlfriend is dirtier than a seat on Ryanair



Jon Bon Jovi is hero not just for his songs but after saving a woman from throwing herself off a bridge in Nashville Tennessee. Mind you if Eddie Van Halen had had beat him to it, she would have been fucked ( go ahead and jump)




'To celebrate Little House on the Prairie‘s 50th anniversary, many of the surviving cast members including Melissa Gilbert, Alison Arngrim, Dean Butler and creator Michael Landon‘s daughter Leslie Landon Matthews have reunited at special events for fans. Unfortunately, these events received negative reviews for long wait times and poor event planning. Those who attended the events in Connecticut and Pennsylvania complained about having no access to restrooms.'
"Now they know that The little house on the prairie wasn't so idyllic after all!" The surving actors joked-




Katie Price is considering becoming an escort to help make ends meet with her current financial struggles. Which is funny because she's already had more men inside her than my old mark 4!




Today I saw a granny wearing a T-shirt that said Superdry.

I thought yeah I bet it is.



"Come on darling," I pleaded to my fat wife... "Just a handjob !!"

" Sorry, you know these days the only Softcore I do are creame fillings."

[Piper]

A star is Mourned.


"Donald Trump slammed for suggesting
America could cut it's crime rate by having
'one day of violence ' every year, as per The
Purge movies
Nonsense.It already has 365 of them."


"Apparently they're making a remake of the
Never Ending Story.
It starts with a man asking a woman how her
day was."

[Bikkie]

"Finally. I'd like to make an appointment to see the Doctor, please."

"No."

"Oh. May I have a call back to speak to the Doctor, please?"

"No."

"Ok. Is it possible to have a Teams meeting with the Doctor, please?"

"No."

"Zoom call with the Doctor, please?"

"No."

"Can I have a repeat prescription from the Doctor, please?"

"No."

"I need a letter for my boss from the Doctor, please."

"No."

"I've had enough of this. Tell the Doctor I called, please."

"Your name?"

"Bond. James Bond."

From the Dr. No sequel, 2024.




My wife talks so much shit I suspect she was conceived during anal



I'm dating a girl who identified as a wheelie bin.

I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.



My wife was complaining that the vac was making a terrible whining noise and wasn't sucking,

"Any idea what's wrong with it?" she asked.

"Yeah," I replied, "it probably got married. "



What's Prince Andrew's favourite sports brand?


Fila




In a new spinoff I wasn't even aware of, I saw the Caped Crusader's sidekick is now black.

Batman and Robbin'




Nearly one million adults in the UK are in a same-sex marriage.

That’s compared to the almost 40 million adults in a no-sex marriage...



When I rubbed the magic lamp I was granted 3 wishes.

That's fucking LSD for you.



Inspired by the new Joker movie.

I just sang and danced my way into a divorce...




Scrooge always had lamb with mint for Christmas.

He called it baa humbug.




The boss put up a Vanilla Ice motivational poster at work.

It reads, 'Stop! Collaborate and listen.'




Comedy face.

Jamaican for jizz on the front of the head.



Women who say childbirth is painful, have never tried having a wank after eating a bag of chilli heatwave Doritos




My wife asked me if she was any good in bed,

"Well of course you are my darling, " I replied, "you don't snore or fart, you don't hog all the blankets, and best of all, you're fucking quiet for eight hours. "




Hecklers anonymous meeting tonight 7pm.
Bring your own boos.



What do you call a white woman with a blackman?
A prostitute.



I told this girl I have a 12" cock.

"I'm not into guy's with big dicks" she said.

"Do you like liars"? I asked



I asked the wife if she was in the mood,

"Which particular fucking mood are you referring to?" she snapped at me.

I guess that was no then.




We've got a stunning blonde who's started working at our office and I heard rumours she wanted to give me one.
Unfortunately, it was out of ten.



Can someone please tell me how to cancel an ebay bid, I bid £25 for a cowboy outfit and I'm 11 minutes away from owning Bradford FC




The wife said she wanted our expensive coffee maker with us on our next cruise.

I've taken it on board.

[Piper]

"Joe Biden Calling
for an end to war
is a bit like a
Crack dealer
calling for an end
to crack "