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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1591
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I see Rod Stewart
    has donated
    $10,00 to a
    model railway
    club.Oooh,Ido
    like a man who
    takes an interest in
    puff puffs.

    Rod Stewart
    donates $10,00
    to vandalized
    model train
    exhibition.I bet
    they were chuffed.

    What do you get if
    you cross a
    staffordshire
    terrier with a
    golden retriever?
    Golden Staph.

    Whilst out
    shopping my wife
    presented with a
    handbag and asked
    my opinion."What
    do you think of
    that?" "Lovely it
    will match your
    outfit" I answered.
    "What outfit do
    you mean?" she
    then asked."The
    outfit that you are
    now going to buy
    to match the new
    handbag," I
    replied.

  2. #1592
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Experience the
    thrill of winning an
    argument with
    your wife by
    sitting in a library
    for three days.

    What does Westlife
    and Futurama have
    in common?
    They both have
    a bender.

    Marriage is mostly
    knowing which
    towels and biscuits
    are not for you but
    for "Guests."

    Rod Stewart never
    changes.He's
    always seen
    holding an
    attrative model.
    These days it's the
    Hornby 00 gauge
    Flying Scotsman.

    I went to the shop
    to pick up 8 cans
    of sprite But when
    I got home I
    realized I only
    picked 7up.

  3. #1593
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Wellington
    Posts
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    Smile

    Last night a bloke
    in the pub sold me
    a baby stegosaurus
    for $4oo.I don't
    know how pissed I
    was but when I
    woke up this
    morning it's just a
    cat with a
    Toblerone
    superglued to its
    back.

    If you think about
    it a wheelchair is a
    shopping trolley to
    a cannibal.

    I tried cooking
    Corned Beef
    fritters for tea but
    ended up making a
    hash of it.

    Asked the
    Apprentice at our
    office to trim some
    drawings down to
    make them more
    manageable for
    the architects to
    use on site.He
    spent hours cutting
    them freehand and
    wobbly with some
    scissors.The boss
    went mad and
    shouted,"after
    lunch take him to
    the print room and
    show him how we
    use the
    guillotine." Little
    fucker was so
    scared he never
    came back.

    30 days in
    september,April,
    June and
    November.And all
    the rest have 31.
    Except May which
    has 3 long tiring
    years.

    All these people on
    Everest about time
    they done
    SUMMIT.

  4. #1594
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    My wife always
    has sex Liverpool
    style.She hasn't
    gone down since
    1953.

    My new girlfriend
    loves giving me
    head but I can
    never last more
    than a few
    seconds.She's a
    cattle mart
    auctioneer.

    Why did the
    scarecrow win a
    award? Because
    he was outstanding
    in his field.

    I shot a 69 at my
    local golf course
    this morning.I
    won't have people
    simultaneously
    performing oral
    sex on my greens!

    My 90 year old
    Nan says she loves
    Golden Showers.I
    was glad to hear
    that though I still
    thinks it's a strange
    name for a
    Retirement Home.

    Went to see the
    new Elton John
    movie "Rocket Man"
    only way to
    enter the cinema
    was via the rear
    entrance,a
    request of Elton
    apparently.

  5. #1595
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Went to what I
    thought was a
    christening but
    halfway through
    the vicar tipped a
    load of shit tasting
    lager over the poor
    baby.Turns out he
    was being
    fostered.

    I was quite proud
    of my shadow
    puppet show,and
    seemed to be
    attracting large
    audiences,but
    then I lost my job
    as a cinema
    projectionist.

    The wife and I did
    that thing where
    we each picked
    someone that if
    we met in real life,
    we'd have
    permission to
    cheat on the
    marriage with and
    sleep with! she
    picked Gary
    Barlow...she was
    not happy though
    when I picked
    Hannah,the local
    barmaid with huge
    tits.

    Last night,my
    daughter Rhoda
    was moaning that
    she hated what we
    named her.She
    may have a point,
    our last name is
    "Dendron."

    I asked in the
    bookshop for a
    book about anal
    sex."I'll have a
    look round the
    back," said the
    assistant.I said
    "That's the one."

    Useless: In cetain
    circumstances,
    shouldn't it be
    usefewer?

    Bob Dylan and Eric
    Clapton both used
    to be parcel
    delivery drivers in
    the Welsh valleys
    before they were
    famous.That's
    where the song
    Knock Knock
    Knockin On Evan's
    Doors comes from.

  6. #1596
    Join Date
    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    husaberg
    Location
    The Wild Wild West
    Posts
    9,662
    What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
    Finding out it was traced.

    Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?
    Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

    How are women like swimming pools?
    They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

    What do women and noodles have in common?
    They both wiggle when you eat them.

    What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

    What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?
    You can’t take a joke

    How is a woman like a condom?
    Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

    What was David Bowie’s last hit?
    Probably heroin.

    Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
    They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.



    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  7. #1597
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile

    Does a priest at a
    nuclear power
    plant say critical
    Mass?

    I like my women
    like I like my
    music.With lyrics I
    can understand.

    Staring at my
    girlfriend's ring,I
    can't believe it
    took me months to
    pluck up the
    courage to finally
    ask the big
    question..."Can
    we try anal?"

    I always get my
    LSD on tab.

    I ordered fast food
    at a sushi
    restaurant.They
    gave me
    chopsticks and an
    aquarim full of
    goldfish.

    People tell me
    horse racing jokes
    all of the time
    The trouble is I
    never remember
    them furlong.

    I was just about to
    eat my fish supper
    and watch the Lion
    King when I
    noticed my black
    flat mate had used
    all the condiments
    oh well A coon ate
    my tartar!

    Whilst in America
    we went on a film
    studios tour around
    a genuine wild
    west town.We
    walked down the
    main sreet,at first
    we were quite
    impressed until
    we realised you
    couldn't go inside
    any of the
    buildings and that
    they were just
    facades held up by
    wooden posts.
    Bloody cowboy
    builders.

    "Can I have a large
    brandy please."
    "Sorry,we're short
    staffed." "What do
    you mean? There's
    3 of you on the
    bar!" "Yeah but
    none of us can
    reach the brandy."

    "No more tears
    left to cry" Ariana
    Grande.We'll
    fucking see about
    that if I get you in
    the back of my
    van.

  8. #1598
    Join Date
    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    The Wild Wild West
    Posts
    9,662
    In Seattle, they have a saying: ?If you don?t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'?

    The problem isn?t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.?

    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.?

    What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles?



    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  9. #1599
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I saw footage on
    the news of the
    Muslims parents
    protesting against
    the LGBTQ+
    lessons at their
    kids school.One
    of them was
    holding a placard
    that read,"stop
    brain washing our
    kids!" Oh,the
    irony...

    xxxTRUE
    OBSERVATIONXXX
    Has anybody else
    noticed that
    when the ref
    blows the whistle
    for a foul in the
    women's football
    that the player
    then doesn't
    speak to the ref
    for the rest of
    the match!

    I always thought
    saying to
    someone that
    your on a train
    journey sounded
    boring..I
    personally think
    saying "I'm
    riding on a
    virgin" sounds
    more exciting.

    I shouted to my
    wife,"I'm just
    popping down the
    paki shop for a
    bag of crisps."
    "You can't say
    that anymore!"
    she shouted back.
    "It's not
    politically
    correct." "Ok
    then.A bag of
    high-fat,high
    salt,nutritionally
    unsuitable potato
    slices."

    Lesbian sex
    during that time
    of the monrh is
    nasty.Especially
    when they both
    cum on their
    period.

    My neighbours
    have three grown
    up sons.One's a
    Butcher,one's a
    Baker and I'll bet
    you can guess
    what the thrid one
    is.That's right
    he's a Fat Bastard.

    Trips to the
    International
    space station will
    soon be available
    for $60m.You'll
    be able to see 17
    sunrises each day
    while orbiting the
    Earth.Save
    yourself
    $59,999,176 by
    taking LSD on
    holiday in Ibiza.

    I hate fucking
    dwarves.Their
    arseholes are too
    small.

    I was having an
    argument with my
    mate Dave in the
    pub about which
    British based male
    singer had the
    most distinctive
    voice,he decided
    to start canvasing
    other customers in
    the pub:The first
    person he asked
    said,"Definitely
    George Michael...
    ..or perhaps Elton
    John?" The next
    person he asked
    said,"It's bound to
    be Freddie
    Mrecury....or
    perhaps Will
    Young?"
    I said,"For
    fucks sake can't
    anyone give me a fucking
    straight answer?"

  10. #1600
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    My milkshake
    brings all the
    boys to the yard
    And they're like,
    it's better than
    yours Damn right
    it's better than
    yours I can teach
    you, but I have
    to charge with
    assault and
    criminal charge.

    If you want to
    change the world,
    do it while your
    single.After you
    get married,you
    can't even change
    the T.V program.

    My mate Dave
    moaned,"It
    seems I can do
    no better than
    attracting fat girls
    and occasionally
    having sex with
    them....Perhaps
    it's due to the
    type of vehicle I
    drive?" "You
    may be right....
    you do drive an
    Ice Cream Van."

    Confucius says:
    Girl that sits on
    judges lap with
    thrush gets
    honourable
    discharge!

    I used to have a
    nice car and a
    nice house until
    my mate
    introduced me to
    drugs.Now I
    have a yacht and
    a caribbean
    island.

    Fish are now
    watching T.V
    They live stream.

    I was looking at
    this guy with a 3"
    spike sticking up
    out of his lip.
    "What the fuck
    are you looking
    at,I'm as capable
    as you and can do
    anything you can
    do you twat." He
    said."Lets see
    you blow a
    ballon up then."
    I replied.

    "Not tonight
    darling,I have a
    headache"-wife
    "Not to worry
    love,we'll soon
    sort that out"-
    Henry VIII

  11. #1601
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Quite a few
    dwarves have
    taken exception
    to Jimmy Carr's
    joke about them,
    but to be honest
    I can't see any of
    them hitting the
    roof.

    So,members of
    the dwarfism
    community are
    offended by
    Jimmy Carr's
    joke are they?
    Stop being so
    precious and just
    fucking grow up.

    Sad to hear some
    midgets are a
    little upset with
    Jimmy Carr over
    a small gag.It
    went over the
    heads of most!


    A dwarf charity
    has slammed
    Jimmy Carr's joke
    and said people
    with dwarfism
    should be allowed
    to carry on with
    their normal every
    day lives.I agree,
    they should just be
    allowed to get
    back to midget
    tossing
    competitions,
    playing Ewoks,and
    impersonating a
    normal-sized
    person whilst
    standing on each
    other's shoulders.

  12. #1602
    Join Date
    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    9,662
    What has two heads and six legs?

    Nirvana.

    Young Irish couple is in a pub and the girl said to her boyfriend " I'm feeling good tonight , I want you to give me 9 inches and hurt me "

    The boyfriend made love to her three times then punched her in the face !!


    This postman was delivering mail in Belfast when a woman appeared at the door in her nightdress. ' Come upstairs 'she said 'and make love to me. ' After he had obliged the woman said ' here's a can of Lager and two pound coins for you ' The postie took them and said ' what's all this for ?'
    The woman said " you can thank my husband for this , I suggested giving you 20 pounds for your Christmas but my husband said fuck him , give him a can of beer and 2 quid !!

    A man goes to his doctor's and says, "Doc, I've just been raped by an Elephant!".
    The stunned doctor replies, "What makes you say that?".
    "Well," says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, "my arsehole feels this big!".
    "Bend over, and let me have a look." asks the doctor.
    The guy bends over and sure enough, his arsehole is about ten inches across.
    "But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis?" states the doctor.
    "Yeah, I know," says the agitated man, "but it fingered me first!".



    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

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