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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1771
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Just been listening
    to a conversation
    between two old
    women who were
    observing social
    distancing.
    "Windy isn't it?"
    "No,it's Thursday"
    "So am I,let's
    have a nice cup
    of tea."



    Swiss public health officals
    say it's ok to hug grandchildren
    if they are under 10 because
    young children cannot spread
    the disease to others.
    Now we know where Prince Andrew
    is hiding.



    Mike Pence says he
    didn't want to wear
    a mask on tour of a
    hospital because
    he wanted to look
    healthcare personal
    in the eye.
    And we thought Trunp
    was the stupid
    one.



    I was a contestant on
    The Voice in hindsight
    I think it was a mistake
    to cover Aswad's
    "Don't Turn Around."



    My missus caught me
    watching porn,tutted
    and went upstairs,anyway
    she came back down dressed
    in a nurses uniform,"Wow,"
    I said,"time for fun and
    sex games then?"
    "Is it fuck," she replied,
    "Get your coat,were going
    shopping."



    My last girlfriend asked
    me how many women I'd
    slept with.
    I said,"roughly" 25 the
    rest I was gentle with.



    For those of you still
    confused by the social
    distancing guidelines,six
    feet is 1.82 metres,while
    2 metres is 6 foot 6 and
    three-quarters.
    I hope that helps.



    My wife bought me a
    penis ring for my
    birthday.
    Can't get the fucker
    to install on my
    phone.



    There's an Arab who lives
    near me who can carry a
    bucket of coal on his stiff
    cock.
    Mind you,if he hadn't been
    caught thieving twice he
    wouldn't need too.



    When I was in school
    we were on a trip
    heading east,and this
    paki kid on the bus
    started going absolutely
    mental and freaking out.
    We finally got him subdued
    and calmed down once we
    explained what was on
    the sign he saw and the
    he wouldn't be getting
    bathed but we're just
    heading to an estuary called
    "The Wash."



    Colenel Tom Moore had
    a flyover above his
    house on his birthday.
    A bit extreme.
    Most would be happy
    with a road named after
    them.



    Worry dog walkers
    and parents at your
    local park by walking
    around looking concerned
    with a 25 inch diameter
    black,leather studded
    collar attached to a
    4 foot long 3 inch
    wide rope shouting
    "Here satan,Here boy.



    My wife divorced
    me due to my constant
    and excessive use of
    the C word.
    On reflection,it may
    have been better to
    find out what her Mums
    name actually
    was.

  2. #1772
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The US has declared
    war on coronavirus.
    As usual,they waited
    until it was half-time
    in Europe before joining
    in.



    I asked my wife to
    get me a green jumper
    for my Birthday.
    Just unwrapped a
    Frog!



    Scottish medical
    advice-everyone
    should wear face
    covering in public.
    Couldn't they make
    this a permament
    requirement for
    Susan Boyle?



    My ex-girlfriend has
    had that many balls
    go through her I've
    started calling her
    goalpost.



    The prosititute said
    we could do it as long
    as we both wore surgical
    masks and persepex visors.
    Sluts me.
    They normally charge extra
    when I suggest that.



    During these worrying times
    I've decided to carry a copy
    of The Watchtower with me
    whenever I have to go out.
    I'm not a Jehovah's Witness
    freak or anything,it's just
    to stop any cunts getting
    too close to me in the
    supermarket queue.



    Do divers have to keep a fathom apart.
    Podiatrists six feet apart.
    Dominatrixs one rod.
    ( comments open for banter and further suggestions )



    Gents Bad News
    is that viagra
    can lead to
    temporary blindness.
    However,if you are
    naked,it'll also
    ensure that you
    don't walk into
    any walls.



    I went in the chinese
    restuarant I said
    "Do you do takeaways?"
    He replied,"Ah yes
    seven tek away free
    is four."



    I said to my wife
    "I saw a woman
    with her tits out
    on the bus feeding
    her son."
    she said,"It's
    natural."
    "Natural?" I replied,
    "She was giving him
    crisps."



    "Hey fancy coming
    over to watch
    groundhog day?"
    "But we watched
    it yesterday..."
    "Exactly."



    The wife came
    back from one
    of her girls night
    out a bit tipsy
    and suggested we
    get a pole for the
    bedroom to spice
    up our dull sex
    life.
    I said ok I'll
    bring one home
    from work tomorrow.
    Her face dropped a
    fuckinng mile when
    I turned up with
    Gosia from
    accounts.



    Just before I die,I'm
    going to ask for a pen
    and paper.
    Then I'll write...I'VE
    HIDDEN ALL OF MY MONEY
    IN THE



    What does YMCA
    stand for?
    You Might Catch AIDS.



    My girlfriend
    asked me if I
    want to get
    married someday.
    I said,"Of course,
    once I meet the
    right woman.

  3. #1773
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    When a disaster
    strikes and
    people refer to
    the damage as an
    "act of God," we
    need to start
    billing the
    churches since
    they're in direct
    communication
    anyways.



    My wife told me
    she's desperate
    for a baby and if
    it's a boy,she'll
    call him Harrison.
    I said,"I know
    you are,but at
    the moment we
    just can't a Ford
    one." ( Taxi! )



    I was in a band
    called 'Porn
    Ejaculation' We
    covered The
    Faces.



    It's been anounced
    that climate change
    is irreversible does
    that mean I can stop
    pissing about with this
    recycling.



    "I'm still standing"
    sang Elton John No
    mean feat after all
    that bum sex.



    A knightsbridge
    girl laughing
    mocked me,and
    said I could only
    come back to her
    flat if I could
    show her twelve
    inches.
    So,I took my record
    collection with me!
    Posh Tart.



    Rod Stewart is a raving Tory.
    He was caught in the
    Thatcher Tomb yelling
    at the decrepit body of
    the former prime minster.
    "Wake Up Maggie..."



    I asked the local
    farmer,"Are your
    animals kindly
    reared?"
    He replied,"Sure I
    always use plenty
    of lube."



    I've been hired
    to do a long-term
    renovation project
    removing the old
    paint job from the
    biggest homosexual
    club in soho.
    It's rough though
    when I have to tell
    people that I work
    stripping at the
    gay bar.



    After seeing my ex
    recently,I think she
    misses my loving.
    As I walked passed her,she
    turned to her mate and
    said,"That's him what
    a cock."



    My girlfriend said
    if she could name
    a song that described
    her perfectly it would
    have to be...Like A
    Virgin...I said
    "Plane or train?"



    My grandmother
    just reached 105.
    That's the last
    time I get in the
    car when she's
    late for bingo.



    Did you hear about
    the conjoined twins
    who went on a driving
    holiday abroad so
    the one on the left
    could have a go.



    I always fall
    asleep listening
    to whale sounds
    and noises.
    People can fuck
    off,Adele is my
    guilty pleasure.



    The missus hates
    it when I wake
    up in the morning
    with wood.
    So she waits until
    I go out and plays
    with her favourite
    toy Buzz.
    We need to seriously
    have a word about
    playing dirty games
    with our sons Toy
    Story dolls.



    Do infants enjoy
    infancy as much
    as adults enjoy
    adultery?



    I grew up watching
    Trans world sports.
    Of course,it meant
    something completely
    different back then.



    I always find it strange
    when people try and talk
    you out of knowing a girl
    by saying,"She'll eat you
    alive" because realisically
    that's what we all want
    ain't it.

  4. #1774
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I just asked Alexa
    to play "American Idiot."
    I'm now listening to
    Donald Trump's lastest
    press conference.



    Another day of lockdown.
    Nothing to do?
    Why not try to improve yourself
    Take up Buddhist meditation.
    It beats sitting around all
    day doing bugger all.


    Your mama so
    black,she went
    to night school
    and they marked
    her absent.



    It's not true.You
    don't lose your
    sex drive after
    five years of
    marriage.
    It just goes from
    being automatic to
    manual.



    My neighbour's
    balls keep coming
    over the garden
    fence.
    I wish he'd wank
    indoors.



    MUSLIMS! When
    asked about your
    wife's age,answer
    in dog years,twenty
    eight doesn't sound
    that bad.



    I have been
    running my own
    home experiments
    trying to solve the
    age old question,which
    came first the chicken
    or the egg?
    Well after the practical
    recreation trials
    where I took a
    hands on approach
    to gather some
    first hand data,I
    still have not made
    much progress on
    the egg but I can
    confirm that the
    chicken most likely
    came at least 2-3
    times.



    Before The Bee Gees
    became pop artists
    they were professional
    chefs.
    You could tell by the
    way they used their
    wok.



    What do
    domestic violence
    offenders and
    drug offenders
    have in common?
    They both want
    one more hit.



    Kids should not
    run with scissors.
    And lesbians
    should not scissor
    with the runs.



    I was in the
    bedroom and
    going at my wife
    hard from behind.
    "Thurst harder,
    thurst harder!"
    she screamed,"OH
    yes,the Lube
    is working!"
    And then three
    seconds later,the
    fat bitch finally
    popped through
    our door frame.



    The very first day
    my wife had her
    car,it was unbelievable
    when she rear-ended the
    vehicle of a crossdressing
    bank-executive at a
    traffic light.
    It was a transgender
    lender fender
    bender.



    I was explaining
    to my mate that we
    don't use the
    word "handicap"
    anymore because
    it's derogatory.
    We now use the word
    "disability." "Ok,"
    he said,"What's your
    golf disability?"



    I rang supercheap
    up and asked
    them if they had
    a headlight.
    "What is it for?"
    asked the salesperson.
    I aid,"So I can drive
    at night you stupid
    cunt."



    I got beat in
    the final of a
    cake making competition
    by a 70's soul singer.
    She was anita baker.



    We were watching a
    flim on the telly
    when all of a sudden
    the bloke lifts the
    woman onto the kitchen
    top and starts to make
    love to her.
    "Yeah right." said the
    wife,"as if that happens."
    "I totally agree" I replied,
    "the only thing that ever
    gets fucked in our kitchen
    is the food."



    What's wooden and
    sounds like a parrot?
    A pallet.



    Some people have friends
    with benefits!
    I just have friends on
    benefits!



    BLOB: Bird,Lesbian,Or
    Bloke?



    You shouldn't judge a
    person by the colour
    of their skin so they
    say!
    Ironically most days
    Judges see people with
    coloured skin in
    court!!!



    Next time you see an
    attractive girl on
    Instagram,remember-If
    you paint black and
    white stripes on a
    donkey,it might look
    like a zebra...It's
    still a fucking
    donkey.



    Never fall out with
    the family,you never
    know when you might
    need a kidney!



    I'd like to congratulate
    Elon Musk who has named
    his babY X AE A-12 in some
    bizarre code to represent
    where he was conceived.
    My parents did something
    similar so great minds
    and all that.
    Sincerely
    J-9 M11

  5. #1775
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "Bad Company singer
    Brain Anthony Howe
    dead at 66 due to
    cardiac arrest"
    Hopefully he's
    in good company now.
    R.I.P



    "Paddy!" exclaims Mick
    "Do you realise we spent
    $100 on hiring this fishing
    boat and we've only caught
    5 fish between us?
    That means each fish cost
    us $20.
    "To be sure" says Paddy.
    "At that price thank goodness
    we didn't caught any more!"



    "Our message during quarantine
    is clear," said the political
    figure.
    We all need to come together
    while staying away from each
    other.

  6. #1776
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Sick Text Jokes

    My dealer told me
    he's got H,LSD and E
    He's not very good at
    scrabble after a few
    joints.


    Love Island 2020 has
    been cancelled despite
    contestants being
    tested.
    Nobody was found to
    have a personality or
    brain.



    "Seamus?"
    "Yes Paddy?"
    "You know how everyone's
    saying the price of fuel's
    gone down?"
    "Yes Paddy"
    "And you know I normally
    put $40 in my tank."
    "Yes Paddy."
    "Well,I've just put $40
    in my tank and it wasn't
    any cheaper."



    I couldn't believe it
    when I came home and
    my big fat wife was
    waiting for me naked
    on our bed and handcuffed
    to all four posts.
    I said,"Hey now,I didn't
    expect this and quickly
    fucked her,and then I
    asked why her flat-screen
    tv was missing and she
    sobbed that she got well
    and truly tricked by the
    black guy she invited up
    to cheat with and he just
    cuffed her,took her telly,
    and fucked off.



    A couple were fined for
    breaking the coronavirus
    rules by making a 135-mile
    trip to a coastal resort
    "to smell the sea."
    Dude you could've done
    that in the bedroom at
    home.



    Nicola Sturgeon COVID-19 Briefing
    Nicola: The first question is
    from Jimmy.
    Jimmy: "In hospital when COVID
    patients deterotate,wher do
    they send them?"
    Nicola:"ICU Jimmy."


    Brian:"How long will it take my bum
    to heal Doc?"
    Doc:"The end of May?"

  7. #1777
    Join Date
    18th February 2005 - 10:16
    Bike
    CT110 Super Cub - postie bike
    Location
    Christchurch
    Posts
    3,122
    true story ... i was driving through town yesterday with my 13 y.o. grandaughter in the navigator's seat. We were going through the medical precinct and being an image conscious girl she asked if there was a plastic surgeon there too. I said, "No, they're all real surgeons". Oh how I laughed!
    Grow older but never grow up

  8. #1778
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    What did the bull do
    when he was cold?
    He slipped into a
    nice warm jersey.



    Just took delivery of
    a beauiful 6ft by 4ft
    canvas print of myself
    in the ring from back in
    my boxing days.
    I'm that proud of it I
    hung it sideways....so
    it actually looks like
    i'm standing up!!!!



    So scotland,wales and
    Nortern Ireland stay
    at home and England
    are out.
    Sounds more like the
    World Cup Finals.



    Learnt a lot from
    Jacinda Ardren's
    speech.
    Namely coronavirus
    is bad.



    Boris has said water sports
    will be allowed from wednesday,but
    this message was confusing.
    Will prostitutes be pissed off
    or pissed on?



    Throughout the country,people
    will de analyising Jacinda's
    speech.
    Women will sit there anxiously
    thinking about money worries,food
    queues,shortage of medication,school
    re-opening dates,issues republic
    transport usage and work.
    Whilst blokes will sit there
    thinking "Oh bullocks,pubs still
    not open."

  9. #1779
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The new government advice
    on coronavirus states
    that you can participate
    in sport with one person
    from outside your household,
    so long as social distancing
    rules are observed.
    Awesome.I'll be able to
    resume my favourite sport
    with my best mate this
    weekend.
    Assuming bringe drinking
    is classed as a sport.



    So from today,separted
    couples can now reunite
    if they stay 2m apart,
    meaning I've text my
    ex wife and she's up
    for the shag.




    Dwight Yorke said
    Katie Price loves
    mango.
    But then he remarked
    she prefers man come.



    I met a girl at a
    party and she said,
    "Come outside and
    I'll show you a
    good time."
    So we went outside
    and she ran 100 metres
    in 9.79 seconds.



    At least 35 people have
    died in Mexico,the latest
    in a series of mass bad
    alcohol poisonings since
    the country banned beer
    sales and many towns
    banned the sale of
    liquor.
    More corona victims?

  10. #1780
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    A kangaroo walks into
    a bar.
    The barman says,"Wallaby?"



    "Boxing coach who throttled
    ex-girlfriend in drunken
    rage avoids jail."
    His lawyer said it was
    tollay out of character.
    Usually he pinches her.



    Whats the difference between
    James Bulger and the Duracell
    Bunny?
    When batterys are inserted
    the Bunny starts running.



    my wife and daughter opened
    up a package last night and
    unbelievably it was the new
    "feminist" board game
    "Ms Monoply," where the men
    start with and make less
    money,and they insisted I
    sit down and play it with
    them.
    Sure enough,it wasn't long
    before I picked up the iron.
    and I steamed my fat wife's
    face with it.



    Phillip Schofield shuts
    down speculation over
    new relationship as he
    posts a snap of family
    friend!
    It's an old relationship.


    So ABBA'S Waterloo has
    been voted as the greatest
    Eurovision song of all time
    but they never mentioned
    who came 2nd and 3rd.
    I guess it's just a case
    of the winner takes it
    all.

  11. #1781
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Cricket Bat.
    Used to be a key piece
    of sporting equipment.
    Now it's the set menu
    in my local Chinese
    restuarant



    Austalian pop idol winner
    Casey Donovan has performed
    the first drive-thru gig and
    has encouraged crowd interaction
    with the use of car horns.
    I just fitted a new horn from
    a P&O cruise ship to my car so
    hurry the fuck up Bieber.



    Everytime I turn
    on the central heating
    I can't help singing
    that Glenn Frey song.
    Oh-wo-ho ( Tell me can
    you feel it ) (Tell me
    can you feel it ) ( Tell
    me can you feel it)
    The heating's.....ON



    The vagina Museum in London
    is closing due to the virus.
    Katie Price take note.



    The wife asked me to make
    videos of the swallows in
    our barn.
    The hardest thing will be
    keeping the camera still
    as I point it down to
    her head.



    Earth's magnetic field is WEAKNING
    between Africa and south America,
    causing satellites and GPS to
    malfunction.
    I explained to my wife,when she
    found me at her sisters.



    Do gay muslims observe
    Ram a Man?



    US Navy: Any Iranian ship
    within 100 yards will be
    fired upon.
    Sounds just like my restraing
    order.



    I remember when I was in
    infent school and I was
    misbehaving and the teacher
    said,"if you carry on I'm
    going to phone your dad and
    get him down here."
    I got so excited because
    I'd never met him before.

  12. #1782
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    So much for clapping
    for the NHS,I tried
    it last night and the
    nurses and doctors just
    gave me filthy looks.
    Then security removed
    me from the operating
    theatre.



    I said to my gran,"When
    grandad was alive he once
    told me he was in the
    army SAS"
    She said,"he was a lying
    cunt,what he meant was
    he drunk in the British
    Legion on a saturday And
    Sunday."


    Just went online to check
    my credit rating.
    It came back saying
    "very poor" I thought
    I know I am but what's
    my credit rating?



    If oral hygiene is so
    important why do dentists
    have plaques on their walls?



    "Big girls don't cry"
    sang Frankie Valli once.
    Well Frankie,I've found
    that if you tell them
    what fat sweaty stinking
    bitches they are,it always
    make them cry.



    I've written a song
    containing diet tips
    for the larger girls.
    It's called
    "Big Girls Don't Fry."



    The Iceman cometh.
    He totally ignored
    my "No Cold Callers"
    sign.



    Post-lockdown chat up lines

    1-What disinfectant are you wearing?

    2-Why don't we slip into something less protective?

    3-Until I saw you,I was just bored stiff.

    4-Why don't we get A Zoom?

    5-My PPE? It's made of boyfriend material.

    6-Would you handle my package if I left it outside for 2 days?

    7-I have bog roll.



    Weather woman Carol Kirkwood
    in Hospital after being knocked
    down whilst cycling.
    "All I remember is seeing this
    massive pair of headlights coming
    towards me" said the car driver.



    "You're horrible you think
    very little of me."
    Yelled my wife.
    "Not true in the slightest,"
    I think you're fucking huge."



    Dominic Cummings in trouble
    after traveling 260 miles
    during lockdown.
    In scotland The Proclaimers
    admit they walked double
    that.



    Paddy:"They say phones
    can spread the virus".
    Murphy:"That's why I don't
    answer mine-you don't know
    if the caller is infected?"



    I've been watching these
    porn videos where a fit
    stepmum fucks her son
    after she catches him
    wanking.
    Don't try it.I'm the
    omly cunt in the hospital
    who isn't there for
    coronavirus.

  13. #1783
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Queen guitarist,Brian May
    has revealed that the
    rentless pain he suffered
    due to a torn muscle in
    his gluteus maximus was
    actually intensified by
    having a heart attack.
    I suppose you could say
    it was a right royal pain
    in the arse.



    Dominic Cummings career is going
    the same way as Brian May's arsehole.
    Left in tatters...



    Dominic Cummings said he drove
    to Barnard Castle to test his
    eyesight.
    He should've gone to SpecSavers.





    Girls

    Want a man with muscles and a six pack?

    Good luck with that.

    He'll be in the gym five nights a week.

    Then one night shaving himself completely.

    Then one night oiling himself completely.

    He'll have women falling all over him.

    He'll have gays falling all over him.

    He'll look in the mirror more than you will.

    He'll use more products than you will.

    He'll pluck his eyebrows more than you will.

    And he'll have a tiny cock.




    If your thinking about a
    hoilday abroad Fly to
    spain,Return by dingy
    from France
    No quarantine,Job done.



    I got stopped by the police earlier.
    The copper said,"I can smell alcohol
    on your breath."
    I said,"That's because your not
    observing the 2 metre rule you
    twat."



    I'm 1/16th cherokee...
    Not by ancestry,but because
    I got into a terrible accident
    in my jeep and the doctors were
    unable to remove all the
    sharpnel.



    "Don't touch that," I
    cautioned,"It's deadly
    nightshade!"
    "It's just an everyday
    weed",replied Leroy,"and
    quit calling me Nightshade!"



    My girlfriend told me to
    do naughty,dirty things
    to her last night.
    So I hid her bank card
    and shat in her handbag.



    Tik Tok.

    Because we haven't quite seen
    enough cunts on the internet.



    I got bullied at school until
    I learned to bob and weave.
    Being a good hairdresser made
    me popular with the girls so
    the guys had to leave me alone
    or they wouldn't get laid.

  14. #1784
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    They say a rolling stone
    gathers no moss.
    They obviously haven't
    seen Keith Richards
    teeth.



    A mate asked if I'd
    had sex on a bouncy
    castle?
    I said,"Yeah,but my
    wife doesn't like
    it when I call her
    that."



    I had to fire my Ethiopian
    custodian where I work.
    Everytime he needed to
    refill his mop bucket
    he walked to the next
    town to do it.



    We've been told to stay
    away from aggressive
    rats.
    How can we avoid the
    government at the
    moment?



    My wife sent me some
    nude pictures today.
    I texted back,"Look
    sexy babe."
    she said,"Really?"
    I replied,"Yes please
    do."



    Just bought myself
    a log burner...
    I fucking love a
    good vindaloo.

  15. #1785
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I saw a woman last night,that
    used to babysit me years ago.
    After pleasantries,I said,"You
    know I'd have definitely given
    you one,when I was younger."
    she said,"Awwww,how about now?"
    I said,"I don't know how I'd
    score your babysitting skills
    now,I'd have to see you in
    action."



    Acting crime and victims commissioner
    for Durham police,Steve White said,"Policing
    works on trust."
    None of us will come up with anything
    funnier.



    A Priest,a Rabbit and a Minister
    walk into a bar.
    The barman asked the Rabbit,"What
    do you want?"
    The Rabbit replied,"I don't know,I'm
    only here because of autocorrect!"



    Faith No More keyboardist Roddy Bottum's
    Man On Man project unveils debut single
    "Daddy"
    He must have discovered something that
    medical science has been missing if he
    managed to make a Daddy from Man On Man
    project.



    Where do Russian muslims pray?
    Mosgue O.



    My wife's just finished a
    12-hour shift.
    I knew she'd find second gear
    eventually.



    My girlfriend was wanking me
    off in bed last night until
    I said,"Stop playing with
    your food.



    How many Welshmen can you fit in a mini?
    I don't know but what a stupid name
    for a sheep.

    Wales is the only country in the world
    where sheep are allowed to take out
    restraing orders.

    A Welsh peadophiles favourite meal
    is a nice bit of lamb.

    If in Wales,don't forget to support
    the sex workers.
    Ewe know you want too.

    In Wales,a sheepdog is usually the
    ugly one in the flock.

    The most common name of the third
    party in Welsh divorce proceedings
    is Dolly.


    Welshmen don't go down on their
    wive's or girlfriends because they
    prefer the smelll of lamb or fish.

    There is no Welsh category under
    racism,obviously,admin are all
    Welsh and are to busy fucking
    sheep to be bothered.



    The shops in town are starting
    to reopen.
    Just in time for liquidation
    sale.



    As the Lockdown continues to
    be eased,two of the major
    supermarkets have re-opened
    onsites cafes.
    To meet strict social distancing
    rules though,each person must
    sit on separate tables and be
    at least 5 metres from anyone else.
    Which is great news for married men
    out shopping with their wives.



    Strip club reopens with 'masks on,clothes
    off' party-but owner admits 'risk'
    It feels like highway robbery at the
    best of times.



    CNN reports that the Navajo Nation
    has the highest per capita covid
    prooblem in the United States,and
    they are having to fight it without
    running water.
    My best wishes to Running Water's
    family & friends.



    It's so funny watching the
    women doing the Egg,Sugar
    and shot challenge...straight
    away you can see who the gaggers
    and swallowers are.



    South Korean team Fc Seoul
    fill their empty stands wth
    'SEX DOLLS' in place of fans.
    Never heard so much moaning.



    My girlfriend said to me when
    I picked her up from work today.
    "When was the last time you had
    sex with someone that wasn't me?"
    I said,"Before we met."
    She smiled,"Aw really? That's
    so sweet."
    "Yes," I replied,"About 20 minutes
    ago."



    "What an arsehole" said my wife
    Admiring my admittedly slendid
    arsehole.



    The wife said I do the worst
    impression of a beer can being opened
    pfft.



    The wife and I are adhering to
    social distancing keeping two
    metres apart.
    We've never been so close.



    Woman: you shuoldn't drink,it's
    gonna kill you.

    Me: So if I stop drinking I'll
    liver forever?

    Woman: No...

    Me: ( Drinks )

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