What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

"What's is a New Year's resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out
the other."

[Piper]

Next time you get,'Liverpool have won
the league more times than anybody else,'
remind them Rangers 55 times or Celtic 54.


Mark Williams: Former World Champion
requires oxygen during match
I can't speak for him or anyone else, but I
need it all the time.

[Piper]

A study just came out that shows
decreasing the amount of sugar in obse
children's diet improves their health within
10 day.
The study was conducted by a bunch of
jerks trying to ruin Easter...


Are you having a bad day?
Just remember, some idiot out there is
pulling a door that says push.


Graham Norton will soon embark on his
first ever live tour of Australia.
I bet he starts off in Sidney.


Duke and Duchess of Sussex hug survivors
of Los Angeles wildfires -as if they
hadn't suffered enough already!


A movie is being made featuring a black
Superman.He's the man of steal.


With the new secret service coming in for the new president
they won't be saying "get down", they will be saying
"Donald Duck!"


Scots mental health nurse sparked mass brawl
in Glasgow nightclub and struck a man with
a shoe
Yeah, that health nurse does sound kind of
mental.


Gordon Ramsey deeply apologise to everyone
he ever called a donkey.
After months of self reflection, he came to the
realisation that it wasn't fair on the donkeys.


Easter is still months away yet but today I
saw big chocolate eggs in the supermarket.
Then the black teen spotted me staring
down her top

[Piper]

Raise your hand if you watched Elon
Musk's speech last night?

[Piper]

Elon Musk gives Nazi salute
"It was toe-curling embarrassing for us all,"
said several Nazis.


Elon Musk has come out in defence of his
photo

"I was NOT giving a Nazi salute," He said in a
statement.
I first touched my heart, then threw
out love to the people there.
I threw out love to the people of the United
States.
I threw out love to Joe Biden and the
previous administration.
And finally I threw out to love to Donald Trump,
on his inauguration as our Fuhrer!"


Elon Musk's new car named the
"Swasti Car."


Am I the only one who can't read the name
Alex Rudakubana without hearing Barry
Nanilow singing it?


Hardcore vegans think all zoos should be
closed and the animals returned to their
natural habitat
But then where would all the divorced dads
take their kids on the weekend?
Besides McDonald's that is.


Today I saw a granny wearing a T-shirt that
said Superdry.
I thought yeah I bet it is .

[Piper]

Ange Postecoglu gets involved in a fight
while leaving Harrods.

When the lift operator asked,

"Going down?"


The Rolling stones were gearing up to hit
the road on a mammoth tour this summer.
However, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
pulled the plug after promoters were unable
to secure wheelchair access.


Stars who can't stand Meghan Markle
Wouldn't it be easier to list the people
who like her? It would be a very short
List.


Prince Harry will be livid, his niece Beatrice
has just given
birth to a baby blacker than the one
he has.


It blows my mind that NASA is able
to receive data from 4.67 billion
miles away
but I lose my WiFi signal in my
kitchen.

[Piper]

Beyonce, sporting straight blonde hair has
won a Grammy for her country album
in the category 'its Not Cultural Appropriation
When We Do it '


I read in the news today that Scotland are
looking to ban cats
Fair play if you ask me, it's a shit musical
and that Lloyd Webber is a cunt


Netflix vows to stand by Megan and Harry.
Which in TV talk, means they're well
fucked.


"P" Daddy was originally Puff Daddy.
I think he should go a step further and
change his real name to Sean Grooms.


What makes me laugh about social media
is it's not very social.
More a minefield of dickheads with a few
good cunts in between.


After a long meeting at the pub with my
mates, we decided to form a group called
"War against nutters, knobheads, eejits and
retard society."

The only downside is its abbreviation is
W.A.N.K.E.R.S


I've heard that an evil scientist has spliced
genes from Bond villains Blofeld and Oddjob.
He's hoping to create the ultimate Blojob.


I was watching that Batman film "The Dark
Knight"
Great movie, but a bit far fetched.
There's no way people in real life would
support some obvious lunatic with
a bizarre hairstyle and makeup who
just aims to bring out the very worst
in everyone and pit them against
one another...


Bridget Jane's parachute up for sale-no
strings attached.
Do they mean her big knickers?


0% alcohol spirits.
Can't see the point.Like
sucking a nipple through
through a jumper.


Football commentator: "Anfield
has got to be the hardest place
at the moment."
... said with confidence of a man
who has never seen Diane Abbott's
minge.


It's interesting that Princess Anne can't
remember being kicked by a horse,
while Andrew has no recollection of
riding a filly.

[Bikkie]

Elon Musk bans rainbow flags from American classrooms.

That is a bad business move. Most Tesla owners are benders.



Study finds people trying to stop financial audit have nothing to hide.



My daughter told me she got her boyfriend Jamal started at bartending school.

"Great !... but that wasn't exactly what I meant when I said that the little jigaboo belongs behind bars."



Bryan Adams is forced to cancel his Perth, Australia, show because of blocked sewers at the venue.

This typically happens after a Bryan Adams concert.



I said to my boss I have 3 companies that are after me and I need a raise!

He said “which 3 companies?”

I said “gas, water and electric”



Kid Rock storms off stage, accusing crowd of not clapping enough.

Hardly surprising.

Most people who would attend a Kid Rock concert only have three fingers on each hand.




Wife: Your cock reminds me of Subway

Me: Why, cos it's a foot long?

Wife: No, I always end up with extra cheese




A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman.
"First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, "OK... I have sorted it out.
A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village whatsoever."



I asked the wife if there was anything available online for a massive penis.

She got me a pair of slippers and a pipe.




For the first time, Viagra ads are now targeting women.

But the women aren’t too happy with Viagra’s new slogan,

"Maybe It’s You."



A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left with the hope that she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed over to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family returned to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”




What do you call an embarrassed Irishman? Shamus




Oh, what a shite!
Chilli doner and a pint or three,
Brewing away overnight in me,
Morning after, what a shite!

Oh, what a shite!
Hit the khazi first thing the next day,
Pebbledashed the porcelain shunky,
My poor ringpiece, what a shite!

Oh, I, I got a funny feelin' when I tried to fart,
And my, as I recall I was lucky not to shart,

Oh, what a shite!
Got through half a 4-pack of bogroll,
Tryin' to decontaminate my hole,
Stank the house out, what a shite!

I felt a rush like a rollin' ball of thunder,
When the ming hit my nostrils I thought I'd fucking chunder,

Oh, what a shite!
Woke the wife up splattering the bog,
Nothing coming out looked like a log,
Fizzy gravy, what a shite!

etc



From the Guardian:

Youth culture experts could help prevent stereotyping of young black men, say lawyers.

Well, they could have a stab at it.



"I hope it doesn't bother you to have an LGBTQ dentist, Mr. Davies," said my new practitioner.

"Not unless you care if I call you the Tooth Fairy.'




Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.



If a guy remembers your eye color after a date, it probably means you have small tits.



Duchess of Edinburgh: I bang the drum for exploited women

Duke of York: I bang exploited women



The wife was painting the Hallway this morning.
But was struggling with the bit that surrounds the front door.

That's where i come in.



When will someone build a piano that isn’t inherently racist?



2 things make me realise I’m not a raciest
I only watch interracial porn and my shadow is black




" A retrial for Lucy Letby?? Doctor Shoo Lee you can't be serious? "

" I am serious. And don't call me Shirley "




Credit: Leslie Nielsen



Gino d'Acampo robbed Paul Youngs house in his younger days. Though to be fair, wherever he lays his chefs hat, that's his home

[Piper]

Today I learned why Americans took
up ice hockey.
Its to punch a Canadian in the face .

[Piper]

Shakin Stevens has currently bought a
country estate in Scotland.

Thistle House.

[Bikkie]

Four on trial for theft of golden toilet from Bleheim palace in 2019. Asked why it took them so long, a police spokesman said "well for many years, we had nothing to go on"




So, we can expect a black James Bond.

Bet he'll be good with a knife.



I shagged a girl last night and told me that reminded her Usain Bolt. I said why because I'm athletic strong and fit and she said no it's because you finish in 9 seconds




My local bakers are looking for someone to dress up to promote their bread products.
I think I'll give it a try .
I've always fancied myself as a roll model.



I've just had a light bulb moment.
You know Black Friday?

Is it called that because the prices are so cheap, it's like you're robbing them?



I said to this blonde, "Do you like Happy Mondays?"

She replied, "Is that double drinks?"





My wife's a big fan of ballooning.

She's gained 6 stone since we got married.



I've just had one of those signs pop up saying, 'You are the 100,000th visitor today - claim your prize'.

That's when I decided to pull Bonnie blues knickers up and go home.




Hooters bankruptcy deals heavy blow to America's creepy, middle-aged weirdos.




They say if you're a heavy drinker you should try alternating your drinks and it really works.

I've been alternating between pints of lager and cider since 10am and now I'm fucking plastered.




Had a power cut last night. Fuck me, it was darker than the new James Bond in here




Funny, I can remember every word to a song from 20 years ago, but I have no clue what my bloody email password is.



As Amazon considers plots for the new Bond...

"The names Bond, Brooke Bond, Tea stirred, not shaken. "

Probably certified PG.

You'll probably need to be old to understand this.




To be fair, most people who believe in the story of Adam and Eve are products of incest.



American Football.

It's like they somehow managed to take Rugby and make it even gayer.




My doctor told me my prostate was good. I was deeply touched.



After booking in going to a premature ejaculators support group, and feeling shy, I had to ask the group leader what I should wear. He said it doesn't matter, most of the guys just come in their pants. So I told him if that was the case, I was already there.




A man knocks on Bonny Blues door.

BB: Hello?
Man: Yes, I hope you remember me. We had sex on the screen.
BB: I vaguely remember you.
MAN: Anyway I hear you are pregnant and I want to sue you for sole custody and child support, and with your antics you aren't a fit mother, and with your wealth your rolling in it.
BB: OK. Take this piece of paper
The feller looks at it and it say '871' on it.
MAN: what's this, 871? Is it 871 pounds and week? A month?
BB: No it means there are 870 men ahead of you.



My wife just said to me 'You dont listen to anything I say'.

I thought 'Thats and odd way to start a conversation'.



Hooters are in talks to prepare for bankruptcy.

The directors are doing their best to keep abreast of any developments.




The restaurant chain Hooters is preparing to file for bankruptcy.

I know they've always had their knockers, but I never expected them to go tits up.



Imagine my dissapointment when I settled down to watch A Thousand Blows on Disney + only to discover it wasn't about Bonnie Blue's latest world record attempt.




Mens Rules


Man Rules: We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.




Goodbye Mister Bond.

Did you just assume my pronouns ?



My neighbour Ali keeps bringing quality food to my house. Feeds my whole family. So I asked him why.

He said he walked into a restaurant with his phone in hand and they shoved a great big bag of food in his hand thinking he's the Uber Eats guy and it's been working for him ever since.



There's only two words that can describe how much I like my massive new grandfather clock.

Big time.

[Piper]

Married men will soon celebrate the 3 days
that they are always right.Feb 29,30
and 31st.

[Piper]

Did you know that a Blue whale's vagina is so
wide and deep that 4 to 5 people can fit
inside? This makes it the world's second
biggest cunt after Donald Trump.


Coldplay to pick half-time acts at World cup
final
They can rule out Neil Diamond followed by the
Lighting Seeds.

[Piper]

I've agreed so much with
my wife.
That my head just starts
nodding at the sound of
her voice.


Me: You almost ready?

Wife: Just a few more
minutes, what time do we
have to be there?

Me: Yesterday at 7.


My employer sent me
to a Sensitivity Course.I
noticed that there weren't
any women on the course
and then I thought
"of course there are no
chicks on this course.
They don't need sensitivity
training.Bullshit like
'sensitivity' comes
naturally to them, like
crying, nagging and
shopping.


My wife speaks four languages
English, eye-rolls, door
slams, and sighs.


Quentin Crisp always
orders the same burrito at
my restaurant.
9 inchs long, hot, thick,
firm and easy to grip.


Things we think of during sex?

Husband...wow this is terrific,
these tits make a wonderful head
rest and that

fanny...wow...how many muscles does
she have down there?

Wife...where the fuck is he, he should've
been home by now?


Bucks drug dealer stored cocaine in his
pants in Aylesbury.
Never sniff the yellow snow.

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between Katie Price & Manchester United's new stadium?

You'll only be able to get 100,000 pricks in the stadium



When I found out my wife was having sex with the owner of the bates motel. She went fucking psycho




The new Manchester United stadium has received criticism after resembling a “circus tent”.

Which is ironic considering the standard of recent performances.



A new remake of the Wizard of OZ has been made.
In the new version Dorothy only meets one companion on the yellow brick road it's Donald Trump who's going to see the wizard to get a heart a brain and the fucking courage to stand up to Russia.





After a few incidents at work, my boss made me go on one of those 'Understanding Equality' courses at a training centre.

To be fair, the course was quite interesting, plus they laid on a nice big buffet lunch.

At the end of the course the host said to me, 'I think you've made the most progress of all!'

I replied, 'Thanks! Now, before I go home, where's the toilets in this place? I've got to go drown a darkie.'



Prince Harry made his feelings clear to Netflix staff on the set of Meghan Markle’s series

He said they don’t want paying in royalties, they’re not a part of that anymore