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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1606
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Today is
    Independence
    Day in the U.S.On
    being informed of
    this,Donald
    Trump
    summoned Jeff
    Goldblum and
    Will Smith to
    report to the
    pentagon
    immediately.

    I took the family
    to a zoo at the
    weekend and got
    arrested for
    public indecency.
    As we walked
    past the
    chimpanzee
    enclosure,one of
    the cheeky
    simians threw a
    trud at my wife.I
    started laughing,
    and she raged,
    "Why don't you
    go in there and
    spank the
    monkey?"

    Be careful with
    the John Denver
    voiced navman.It
    will only take you
    home via country
    roads.

    I haven't had a
    wank for a week.
    I'm simply not
    feeling myself.

    I fancied this
    woman in a bar
    last night and she
    promised to take
    me home with
    her,if I could
    undress her with
    a few words.I
    said,"There's a
    fucking spider in
    your bra."

    My local gallery
    has an exhibition
    of art composed
    by shetland
    ponies,mainly
    pencil sketches of
    cars,lorries and
    vans.My mate
    said,"They are
    shit." I replied
    "That's harsh
    mate,it must be
    hard to hold a
    pencil with hooves.
    I think
    they're pretty
    good for horse
    drawn vechiles."

    To the person
    who stole my
    glasses.I will find
    you.I have
    contacts...

  2. #1607
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    A couple are in the cinema sitting happily till the young lady turns and says:

    "John, the fella next to me is having a wank"

    "Jesus Christ, the dirty fucker. Come on we'll move"

    "I can't he's using my hand"



    Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

    His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

    Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

    So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

    He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

    Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...



    Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
    A: They're both hunting for dead beaver.



    How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

    Give it a blowjob



    Little Johnny comes home from school when he heard some noise upstairs.

    He went up to investigate & discovered that it was coming from his parents room. He opened the door to see his Dad on top of his Mam shagging away &, the father realising his son was watching threw a pillow at him & told him to 'Fuck off!'

    Two days later the Dad comes in from work & hears a noise upstairs.......

    He went up to investigate & the noise seemed to be coming from little Johnny's room. He opened the door & here was little Johhny up on top of his Nan shagging away. The Dad left out a scream. Johnny looks around, throws a pillow at the Dad & says 'Ah fuck off, you're not so smart when it's your own Mam are ya?'



    What does George Michael have in common with a wellington boot?

    Both get sucked off in bogs.



    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  3. #1608
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I can't see why
    female linesman
    and referees
    could be any
    worse than the
    idoits we have
    now.I mean if
    there is
    something
    women are good
    at,it is pointing
    out mistakes
    made by men.

    I was staying in a
    hotel last night,
    I phoned down
    to reception."Hi,
    this is room 26
    can I have a
    wake up call
    please?" she said
    "Yes,you're in
    your mid 30s,
    single,live with
    your mother and
    have achieved
    nothing in life!"

    I remember my
    teacher telling
    me that looking
    out of the
    window wouldn't
    get me
    anywhere.Did I
    have a smug look
    on my face later
    on in life when I
    handed him his
    burger and fries
    at the drive
    through.

    A bloke walks
    into a pet shop
    and places a
    bomb on the
    counter and says,
    "You've got one
    minute to get
    out," a tortoise in
    the back shouts
    "You bastard!"

    "If Batman who
    is a regular
    human but with
    gadgets teamed
    up with
    superman,who
    has supernatural
    powers,and they
    fought against
    Ironman,another
    regular human
    with gadgets,
    who teamed up
    with Thor,who
    has super powers,
    who would be the
    winner?" "Your
    parents when you
    move out."

    A woman has
    sued a hospital
    stating that after
    a recent
    operation,her
    husband had lost
    interest in sex.
    The surgeon
    replied "All we
    did was restore
    his eyesight."

    I was just waiting
    for my sister at
    Heathrow airport,
    as I saw her
    emerge in
    arrivals I shouted
    "Hi sis."...Fuck
    me,never seen
    as many armed
    police appear as
    quickly in my
    life!

    Just seen a sign
    "Turkey $29" in
    the bucthers
    window......That's
    $300 cheaper than
    Thomas Cook.

    My wife can't find
    her hair clips but
    she remembers
    what I said 6
    months ago at
    5.30pm.

    A farm horse gets
    stuck in a muddy
    hole in a field he
    shouts to the
    chickens to get
    the farmer to pull
    him out.The
    farmer is away so
    one of the
    chickens drives
    the farmers
    ferrari over ropes
    up the horse and
    pulls him to
    safety..A few
    days later,a
    chicken falls in
    the mud hole.
    The chicken yells
    to the horse to
    go and get some
    help from the
    farmer.The horse
    says,"Grab for my
    dick and pull
    yourself up," the
    chicken does and
    pulls himself out
    to safety.And
    the moral of the
    story is,If you are
    hung like a horse,
    you don't need a
    ferrari to pick up
    chicks!

  4. #1609
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I got home from
    the pub a bit
    pissed with my
    mate Dave and
    my wife was still
    dressed in
    very seductive
    underwear.I
    looked at her and
    licked my lips.
    "Do you fancy a
    hot sandwich
    with me and
    Dave here?" she
    blushed a little
    and replied,"Yes
    ok then,I'm up
    for it," "Brilliant,"
    I said,"There
    bacon and egg it
    is then."

    M y mate told me
    he thinks my
    mind has been
    warped by porn
    acronyms,so he
    recommended I
    pop to the ATM,
    enrol on a CBT
    course and give
    an interview to
    the BBC.I fail to
    see how having
    ass to mouth
    followed by
    cock and ball
    torture whilst
    speaking to a big
    black cock is
    going to help,but
    I'll give it a go.

    You have got to
    admire Boris
    Johnson,2 marriages,
    3 alleged
    mistresses,4 kids,
    1 apparant
    lovechild and 1
    alleged abortion
    and he still found
    time not to take
    cocaine..

    I wanna be there
    when karma
    dry fucks
    your ass
    with a cactus.


    knock knock
    knock knock
    knock knock
    knock knock
    knock knock
    knock knock
    knock knock
    knock knock
    knock knock
    knock knock
    knock knock

    FUCKING YES!!!!!
    A rare tape
    recording of
    woody
    woodpeckers
    first wank.....

    "If yes is the
    answer,what is
    the question?"
    asked my wife
    with a twinkle in
    her eye."I know
    this," I
    answered,"does
    my bum look big
    in this?"

    M y mate asked
    me when I last
    had a decent
    blowjob "2015"
    I said."Fuck
    that's ages ago,"
    he laughed "No it
    isn't," I said,"it's
    only half eight
    now."

    I'm surprised the
    gay version of
    Tinder wasn't
    called Timber.
    It's full of wood
    that eventually
    comes down with
    something.

    Went up to watch
    the highland
    games in scotland
    saw Quinten Crisp
    being chucked
    out.Apparently
    you're only
    allowed to toss
    your own caber.

  5. #1610
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The women's
    world cup ended
    and it broke a
    record for highest
    nutmeg in a
    competition....another
    proof that women
    love balls in
    between their
    legs.

    I love Wimbledon
    fortnight.The
    sweaty,clinging
    clothes showing
    stiff nipples,the
    tigt arse-cheeks,
    all the grunting.
    It's a total
    wankfest.Some
    of the women
    aren't bad either.

    I for one applaud
    Disney for
    making the new
    Ariel black And
    look forward to
    them showing
    consistency and
    making
    pocahontas
    white.

    I was swimming
    in the sea this
    morning.
    Somebody
    shouted,"shark!"
    I really shouldn't
    do backstroke.

  6. #1611
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    METRO: Gay
    championship star
    preparing to be
    the first
    professional
    footballer to
    come out.My
    money is on Lee
    Camp for
    Birminghan.

  7. #1612
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    Smile

    R.I.P Torn

    It has come out
    that the real
    reason for
    Meghan not
    wanting to be
    photographed at
    wimbledon had
    nothing to do
    with priracy.It
    had to do with
    the fact that she
    and her people
    still believe that
    cameras will steal
    their souls.

    Paddy says to
    Mick.."That's a
    shame about that
    young Afronaut
    dying,he could
    have been the
    first black man to
    walk on the
    moon." "Don't be
    daft ya thick
    cunt" says
    Mick..."Have you
    never heard of
    Louis
    Armstrong?"

    Stoner thought of
    the day: Each
    time you light
    your lighter your
    lighter gets
    lighter until your
    lighter gets so
    light it wont light.

    The less a person
    knows,the more
    they think they
    know.Or as my
    wife calls it
    women's
    intuition.

    People that
    practice for
    staring
    competitions
    need to take a
    good long look at
    themselves in the
    mirror.

    People who love
    reading the daily
    tabloid
    newspapers need
    to take a long
    hard look in the
    Mirror.

    The Dyson
    Airblade.....
    Messiet urinal
    ever!

    I once went on a
    date with a girl
    who didn't
    swallow.Fucking
    soup everywhere.

    I've just won the
    15th game of
    Rock,Paper,
    Scissors in a row
    against my
    lesbian
    neighbour.
    Predictable bitch.

  8. #1613
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  9. #1614
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I joined last
    weeks pride
    march in support
    of gay rights,I
    waited for it to
    pass and merged
    in at the back..
    Last thing you
    want is all those
    fucking benders
    behind you.

    Toddlers are
    quite similar to
    James Cameron's
    Terminator...
    They can't be
    bargained with.
    They can't be
    reasoned with.
    They don't feel
    pity,or remorse,
    or fear.And they
    absolutely,will
    not stop ever,
    until you are
    dead.

    The new church
    I've started is
    doing brilliantly,
    mainly because
    we welcome all
    denominations.
    Fives,tens,
    twenties,
    whatever they've
    got.

    If someone is
    10% polish does
    that make them a
    tad pole?

    It isn't gender
    sexuality or race
    that separates us
    It's people who
    can take a joke
    and people who
    can't.

    "I can't talk," said
    my American
    mate."I've just
    jumped a
    Greyhound."
    Totally different
    fucking language.

    Walkin through
    china town and
    I'm not sure if I
    just heard the
    commentary for
    the long sprint
    or a gay porn.
    "Sum Yun Gy
    Followed by Fu
    Kum Yung with
    Wan Kin and Po
    Kin in the rear!

    We chugged
    slowly into the
    garage,and I told
    the mechanic
    "I've gone into
    Limp Mode." He
    looked at my
    wife and said
    "I'm not
    surprised."

    Eating a furry
    peach brings back
    great memories
    of the days of
    munching on
    hairy growlers.

    When you think
    about it,'Hotel
    California' is just
    a bad 'Trip
    Advisor' review
    with a three
    minute guitar
    solo.

    I was having
    dinner at my
    girlfriend's house
    for the first time.
    "Can I use your
    bathroom?" I
    asked."Sure,but
    could you use the
    can of air
    freshener?" said
    her mother
    jokingly.Really
    strange,but I
    managed to fit all
    the poo into the
    bottle.

    I wish it was my
    wife I was
    saying "What a
    tight cunt" to
    rather than my
    bank manager.

  10. #1615
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    Why did everyone stop to watch the blacksmith work?




    Because he was riveting



    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  11. #1616
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Sick Text Jokes

    Life Tip: Drink ten
    pints of water a
    day and you will
    be too busy
    pissing to give a
    fuck about what
    the wife is
    moaning about.

    As hard as I try,
    I just can not
    come up with a
    decent rap joke.I
    think it's time
    2pac it in.

    "I get confused
    between Mel B
    AND Mel C in the
    Spice Girls." "It's
    easy-Mel Black
    and Mel Chav."

    Rats multiply so
    quickly that in 18
    months,two rats
    could have over a
    million
    decendants.
    Blimy,they're
    giving Muslins a
    run for their
    money.

    I had to go into
    the west end
    earlier today,and
    I was wearing an
    old Ritchie
    Blackmore's
    Rainbow t-shit
    from the 70s that
    I dug out of the
    warddrobe.
    Fucking Hell! I
    had no idea
    how popular he
    still is.You
    wouldn't believe
    the amont of
    cheers and
    whistles I got
    just walking up
    the road.

    This farmer was
    telling me about
    how brilliant his
    sheepdog was at
    maths,"Watch
    this," he said.
    "Shep,what's
    seven plus two."
    he said,and the
    dog barked ten
    times."Ok,shep,
    what's fifteen
    plus four."And
    the dog barked
    twenty times.
    "He's very good,"
    I replied,but
    he's a little over."
    "Yeah,"
    answered the
    farmer,"old
    habits die hard,
    he's just rounding
    them up."

    Shagging the
    wife,I asked her
    to moan for me.
    "Sure,: she
    grinned."Put
    those fucking
    shelves up." I
    glanced down and
    thought "Yep,"
    they'd probably
    fit."

    I got arrested for
    telling a woman I
    wanted to lick
    her arsehole.The
    police wouldn't
    believe it was
    just a tongue in
    cheeks comment.

    When I was at
    college I always
    attracted the fat
    birds to our
    group and as a
    result my mates
    used to call me
    Jonah.Not
    because I was
    bad luck but
    because I'd get
    gobbled by
    whales.

    The worst part of
    being bitten by a
    poisonous spider
    is that you are
    probably
    Australian.

    Speed cameras
    can also tell if
    you've been
    using cocaine.


    Started work as a
    chimney sweep
    in Bangkok.It's a
    Soot and Thai
    job.

  12. #1617
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Prince Harry's Invictus
    Games being sponsored
    by Britain's biggest
    arms dealer.That's
    like the wife's
    sex drive being
    sponsored by Pornhub.

    My father was a
    used Ford dealer.
    I guess he left his
    mark IV on me.

    The thing I like
    most about
    female
    footballers is if
    you slightly touch
    them inside the
    box they go
    down easy...

    If horse racing is
    the sport of
    Kings,is drag
    racing the sport
    of Queens?

    Just read Steven
    Tylers new
    chinese cookbook.
    Wok this way.

  13. #1618
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Everyone is up in
    arms about the
    new 007 being
    played by a black
    female.There's
    nothing to worry
    about.In my
    mind.Bond is
    the victim of
    idenity theft
    from an
    ambitious nigger.
    The situation is
    swiftly resolved
    and he's back to
    shagging slags
    and drinking
    Martini.

    So what if the
    new Bond is
    played by a black
    woman?
    It's
    2019,and race
    and gender don't
    matter.For Fucks
    sake,woman's
    tennis has been
    dominated by
    two black
    brothers for the
    past 15 years.

    As we speak
    super villians all
    over the world
    are preparing
    fried chicken
    laced with
    rohypnol upon
    hearing the new
    Bond may be a
    black woman.

    "I'll have a
    chicken.Fried
    not grilled."

    The new 007
    Licenced to stab,
    and cook.

    Dr no father

    GOLDBLINGER
    BA..NA..NAAA

    007 returns
    even more
    badass.Licenced
    to kill and use
    the N word.

    Ah Bond make
    me a fucking
    sandwich and
    quick with it
    bitch.

    Out on licence to
    kill.

    "...and finally
    Bond,this is M."
    "sOooooooo good
    to meet you M.I
    loved your song."

    The original Bond
    film Dr No,was
    filmed in London
    and Jamaica in
    1962,with the
    evil Dr No based
    on the island of
    crab key.In a
    nod to the
    original,the new
    series of Bond
    will be filmed in
    surrey Quays
    with Dr Yo taking
    on the persona of
    a Yardie
    operating out of a
    lock-up in
    Rotherhithe.
    Release date of
    Dr Yo estimated
    as summer 2020.

    Can't believe
    Grace Jones is
    back in the Bond
    movies agian.

    After casting a
    'female'
    macaroon to play
    the new 'James'
    Bond other ethnic
    minorities have
    started grizzling.
    Therefore,to
    keep the assorted
    breeds happy
    new casting
    announcements
    are as follows; M
    will be played by
    an unwashed
    Aboriginal
    hunchback....Q
    will be played
    by a Tibetan
    bender and of
    course,Miss
    Moneypenny wil
    be a well hung
    chinese
    Transvestite....meanwhile
    the new
    soundtrack will
    be performed by
    a special needs
    choir from Iran!

  14. #1619
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    As it is the 50th
    anniversary of
    the apollo
    mission to the
    moon today.I
    was reminded of
    Neil Armstrong's
    quote as I
    watched a man
    struggling to
    cross the road
    and get up the curb
    on the otherside
    ..Its one small
    step for man,
    one giant
    obstacle for that
    fat fucker on the
    mobility scooter.

  15. #1620
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The New James
    Bond is to be
    both Black AND a
    woman.I couldn't
    beat that joke in
    a million years.

    The new James
    Bond is going to
    be played by a
    black woman...At
    least she can
    brutally kill
    someone,and
    then clean up the
    mess afterwards.


    Bond 25 opening
    scene: Rami
    Malek releases
    50 Novichok
    infeasted mice
    into MI6 HQ,
    shouting
    "DaaaYoh
    darling." 007
    leaps into action,
    jumps on a stool
    while holding a
    broom screaming,
    "THOMAS!"

    Now Bond go and
    join Q,the dole Q

    "Pay attention,
    Bond,this gadget
    may well get you
    out of a tight
    spot.This
    ordinary looking
    handkerchief
    easily turns into a
    Tampon with a
    simple twist."

    Double D Seven.

    The name is
    Bond,Brook
    Bond! Would you
    like tea with that
    fried chicken sir?
    the Q is over
    there sir.

    Aston Martin
    furious,as studio
    reveals new Bond
    car at Trench
    Town Motors,
    Streatham.1985
    BMW 635c si:
    tinted windows,
    lowered
    suspension full
    body kit and
    under body
    lighting.It will be
    known as the
    Bomboclaat Irie
    innit!

    "The names
    Bond.Jamesine
    Bond Licened to
    grill."

    Since there is
    going to be a
    black Bond I
    think it's only fair
    we show her a
    white shaft.

    Bond about your
    request for
    maternity
    leave....

    The name's Bond.
    Bail Bond.

    To recast James
    Bond as an ethnic
    minority is a
    travesty to the
    memory of what
    sir Ian Fleming
    had conceived as
    the suave spy.It
    is ridculous to
    suggest that a
    black person
    could play 007...
    In the original
    books its quite
    clear that Bond is
    a scottish
    milkman,with a
    lisp,named Sean.

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