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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1876
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    Sick text jokes

    9th November Pfizer
    and BioNTech announce
    a vaccine that is 90 %
    effective but has to be
    stored at in an industrial
    freezer.
    16th November, Moderna
    announces a vaccine that
    is 95% effective that can
    be stored in a fridge.
    23th November : Trump
    and Domestos announce
    a vaccine that is 99%
    effective and can be kept
    under the sink.


    My asian mate just
    packed his job in as a
    gardener at the local
    recreation ground
    because everyone kept
    calling him an offensive
    name.
    I said no they were calling
    you parky you thick cunt.


    A new public health crisis
    is on the horizon.
    With everyone being
    forced to wear masks
    I think there will be an
    uptake in the number
    people who are gonna end
    up schmooooookin.


    English language is
    very difficult to learn
    due to its multitude of
    idiosyncrasies.
    In fact, it is so complex
    experts reckon that
    everyday, most users utter
    a sentence which has
    never been spoken.
    I was so surprised by
    this statement that you
    could have fucked me
    sideways with a peanut
    butter, banana and white
    chocolate spread toasted
    sandwich!


    Just saw a black guy
    cycling off up the road on
    a bike! I thought it was
    mine but I realised he was
    in the field picking Cotton.


    When the ex used to call
    me Blackadder, I thought it
    was because I was always
    the wittiest and smartest
    in the room.
    Turns out it's because I
    always missed her bean.

  2. #1877
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    Sick text jokes

    A fairy tale for modern
    times Rapunzel... a
    role model for modern
    women?

    Find a man to regularly
    abuse you ( every night the
    Prince pulled her hair, very,
    very painful ).
    Let him get you pregnant,
    with twins so that your
    stepmother /mother boots
    you out of the house.
    The blind wandering
    Prince eventually found
    Rapunzel, regained his
    sight and they lived
    happily ever after.
    The Brother’s Grimm
    had no knowledge of the
    modern benefits system
    which would replace the
    Prince. A system in which
    every immediate financial,
    social and housing need
    would be taken care of,
    thus allowing the single
    mother to live happily ever
    after with her increasingly
    larger self - entitled broad.



    People who are struggling
    to put food on the table
    should spare a thought for
    me.
    I've had to chop up my
    table to put wood on the
    fire.


    I said to my friend
    earlier I'm staying in and
    watching that "Lock Stock
    And Two Smoking Barrels"
    tonight.
    What, " he said," With
    Jason Statham and Vinnie
    Jones? "
    " No mate, " I said," Just by
    myself. "

  3. #1878
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    "Prince Andrew 'will never
    return to royal duties'
    again despite his 'delusion
    of grandeur."
    Why should he when he
    Can party all night then
    shag young women
    afterwards?


    "How much do I owe you
    for those period pads you
    bought me?"
    "A tenner lady."


    "Two minutes and
    then you come," she
    complained.
    "It was doggy style," I said
    "That's fourteen minutes."


    I have good news and bad
    news.
    The bad news is there is no
    good news.
    And the good news is that
    the bad news is irrelevant.


    Keen-nosed copper sniffs
    out monkey dust and
    cocaine stuffed up trainee
    nurses vagina.
    Sounds like her been with
    the niggers again.

  4. #1879
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    Sick text jokes

    China has been accused
    of Microwaving Indian
    soldiers in Himalayan
    border clashes.
    I knew it wasn't fucking
    chicken!


    "We can't live together
    any more - it's impossible"
    What six weeks of war
    has done to Nagorno-Karabakh.
    Six weeks!
    They should try living with
    the wife for a week.


    New research confirms
    link between Turtles and
    Lesbians.
    They both choke on
    plastic.


    What's the difference
    between my wife and
    Manchester United?
    Manchester United still
    suck.


    I am a man that enjoys
    being ruthless.
    Ruth left me!!


    Andrex have just released
    a new product : Liam
    Galallgher toilet roll
    super, super soft three ply
    Great for wiping shit off
    your arse.
    But all the things you've
    seen, will slowly fade
    away.

  5. #1880
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    I know a joke about Covids19. It's a killer, but I'm pretty sure 99.98% of you won't get it.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    I'm livin' the dream.

  6. #1881
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    Sick text jokes

    Just can’t please some
    people.......
    I sincerely complimented
    someone on their
    excellent Movember, and
    suddenly she's not your
    friend anymore............


    A study finds that vegans
    are more likely to break
    their bones.
    When are they going to
    learn, there's nothing quite
    like having a nice big
    Piece of meat going inside
    you.

    Oooooooh.


    I tried to buy cologne for a
    gender neutral, non-binary,
    agender, pangender
    genderqueer, two-spirit,
    third gender relative.
    Like a bisexual, the
    scented oil-based liquid
    only comes in male and
    female.


    Something has always
    perplexed me about
    people who draw
    cartoons of the Prophet
    Muhammad. How do they
    know what he looked like?


    My dad always said
    around every corner is a
    surprise.
    Nice guy, shit tour guide.

  7. #1882
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    Who, When, What, Why
    and How walk into a bar.

    How: "Where's where?"

    When: "Who?"

    Why: "No, who is already here"

    When: "But how?"

    How: " Stop being silly, I got
    here with the rest of us "

    Who: " This is getting rather
    whimsical. "

    Why : " What?"

    What: "Yes."

    Why : "I wasn't talking to you."

    What: "Who?"

    Who: "Yes? "

    When: "Shut up, the lot
    of you! I'm going. This is
    ridiculous."

    How: "Why?"

    Why : "Yes?"

    How: "I wasn't talking to
    you!

  8. #1883
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    Headline : 'Another Blow
    For Johnny Depp'.
    Good. Now he knows how
    his missus felt.



    Someone was telling me
    about this ship that travels
    in international waters
    and offers abortions for
    women from countries
    where the practice is
    banned..... I couldn't help
    but wonder what the ship
    would be called....... All
    Abort?


    I asked the Colonel what
    the. lowest rank in the
    army was.
    He said, "It's Private."
    I said, "Come on you can
    tell me."


    An armed man has just
    run into a real estate agents
    and shouted
    "Nobody move."

    Best chat up line ever -
    Actually works.
    "Excuse me, love, are you
    a lawyer?
    Because I want you to get
    me off."

  9. #1884
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    US presidents are often
    remembered for their
    Great catches during their
    time in office...

    Can you name the US
    president who :

    Caught Osama Bin Laden
    Caught Saddam Hussein
    Got caught bugging
    the election opposition
    headquarters
    Caught a bullet in the back
    of his neck
    Got ( more or less) caught
    Al dente with an intern
    Was caught on air
    suggesting World War
    Three had started.
    Caught Coronavirus

  10. #1885
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    I told my daughter to take
    an old portrait
    of herself to a restorer to
    get fixed. Dirty cunt just
    texted me saying he'd
    touched her up!


    I told my colleagues I was
    going on holiday to Texas.
    "Don't forget your sun
    cream!" said Leroy.
    "I won't need it, we'll all be
    wearing white hoods." I
    replied.


    Free delivery tip. Wear
    a balaclava and zig zag
    through the streets with
    the item. Once the police
    have finished questioning
    you at station ask
    to be taken back to the
    delivery address.


    When I heard Muslims
    Can have four wives I
    decided to convert to
    Islam. I changed my mind
    when I realised they also
    have four-mother-in-law's.


    Suppose you marry a
    widow who already has
    a grown up daughter
    and your father marries
    the widow's grown
    up daughter. Now
    the widow's daughter
    becomes your mother.
    Since your mother 's
    mother is your wife,
    your wife is also your
    grandmother. As
    the husband of your
    grandmother, you become
    your own grandpa.
    Sweet home Alabama.


    I' m doing a quiz and need
    some help... I know Henry
    VIII had 6 wives - There
    was Catherine of Aragon,
    Anne Boleyn, Anne of
    Cleves, Catherine Howard,
    Catherine Parr but, for
    the life of me, I can't
    remember the surname of
    the one called Jane.... See
    more.


    "Hurry up I've got a
    turtles head poking out
    my arse." Isn't the wisest
    thing to say to Australians
    customs officers.


    I went to the doctor to
    get a prescription for my
    alcoholism.
    "What's the cost of this
    prescription?" I asked him.
    "$1,000," he said.
    I said, "Woah, and what
    are the side effects?,"
    "Drowsiness, nausea,
    headaches.." he listed.
    "I'll decline," I said. "It
    seems cheaper just to get
    drunk."

  11. #1886
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    My wife screamed at me
    "You're bloody obsessed
    with those Star Wars
    movies. I'm leaving you."
    "May divorce be with you."
    I replied.


    My doctor said that I
    should put a bar in my
    shower to stop me falling
    over.
    Silly cunt! After four
    double rums I can't even
    find the soap.


    I said to my girlfriend,
    "When I asked you to
    tease me, I didn't mean
    say my cock was small!"


    Giving my Mum's sister a
    partial orgasm wasn't as
    good as i excepted.
    It was a bit of an Aunty
    Climax.


    My wife told me she's
    going to allow rough sex,
    Facials, felching, and deep
    pounding anal.
    Admittedly, I'd received
    better emails from her
    when she's been staying
    away in a hotel with work
    colleagues.

  12. #1887
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    I was at a festival one,
    beautiful hot day and I
    was keen to get pissed,
    but I was skint. So I was
    sneaking the odd drink
    from people here and
    there, when I spotted a
    pint glass, almost full with
    a golden yellow liquid. I
    excitedly assumed it was
    Someone's beer, so I went
    for it. Picked it up and it
    felt a bit warm but I just
    thought it'd been out in the
    sun. So I necked it
    Honesty, it was the most
    vile thing I've ever tasted!
    You've probably guessed
    what is was already.
    Foster's.


    Life is all about how much
    Shit you're willing to put up
    with just to get your dick
    wet

  13. #1888
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    After the death of David
    Prowse a statue of Darth
    Vadar is to be erected
    on the Colston plinth in
    Bristol.
    Finally a statue we can all
    be proud of.
    A black man who admits
    to being the father.


    Apparently Meatloaf’s
    gone vegan.
    The cunt’s calling himself
    Nutroast now.


    I woke the missus up
    in the middle of the
    night and told her I was
    stressed and that only a
    blowjob would help.
    She said, "Where are you
    going to find a cock to
    suck at three o’clock in the
    morning?"


    So the Pope is doing a
    crossword puzzle when a
    Bishop walks in.
    "What's a four-letter word
    for a woman that ends in-
    unt?" the Pope asks.
    The Bishop thinks for
    a minute, afraid to say
    such a word to the holiest
    of men. Then a miracle
    comes to him. "A-unt?" he
    suggests.
    The Pope replies, "Yes
    that sounds better, got a
    rubber?"


    A friend asked me to
    do a Native American
    impression.
    I said how.


    "The Vicar Of Dibley takes
    the knee: Dawn French will
    deliver a sermon about
    Black LIves Matter when
    the BBC comedy returns
    for Christmas."
    That'll make a change
    from going down on two
    knees for Lenny Henry.


    There won't be snow this
    Christmas.
    British Customs just
    seized £100m of cocaine.

  14. #1889
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    Bob Dylan sells his entire
    600 song catalogue to
    Universal.. Dylan got a good deal and
    only had to pay them for
    the shipping.


    '... Prince William has
    arrived by Royal train in
    Scotland.
    He booked a tartan
    room. and got BOTH!'.

    The new Covid vaccine
    may have an adverse
    effect on fertility, says the
    former head of research
    at Pfizer.
    All the more reason to let
    Mrs Ali next door have
    mine.


    Two heads are better than
    one was not something I
    wanted to hear from my
    Tai bride.


    My wife's fanny smells of
    roses.
    But Roses fanny is tighter...!

  15. #1890
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    Maggie Keenan the 90
    year old who was the
    first woman in Britain to
    receive her Pfizer and
    BioNTech coronavirus
    vaccine, a spokesperson
    for her has confirmed she
    hasn't quite come to
    terms with her new found
    fame, Maggie who is set
    to turn 91 next week has
    already begun working on
    an Instagram, Only Fans,
    and an Amazon wish list.
    Bless the old Minx!


    A man called William
    Shakespeare was the
    second person in receive
    the vaccine?
    Fake news. It was the Earl
    Of Derby.


    1996 Pfizer invents drug
    to create stiffs.
    2020 Pfizer invents drug
    to prevent stiffs.


    Do you think the already
    controversial BLM scene
    in The Vicar of Dibley
    Christmas special, is a
    subliminal message from
    Dawn French that she
    misses Lenny's BBC?


    Lonely woman desperate
    for oral sex during
    lockdown have largely
    been ignored. We need
    to support them with
    an "Eat out to help out"
    campaign.


    Break dancing to be
    included in Paris 2024
    Olympics. ( Yes fucking
    really! ) Other sports
    considered, the smash
    and grab. Acid toss,
    water melon polo,
    javelin stabbings, the
    snatch clean and jerk
    chicken, back garden
    fence hurdles, velodrome
    electric scooter, 100m
    pimp limp, the MC hammer
    throw, synchronised
    muggings and county
    live mobile phone fling...


    Heroin Training - Fuck
    Yeah, i feel great!
    No wait, sorry. I meant to
    write, Hero in Training.


    I got stung in one of those
    scams where you pay a
    sum into a scheme every
    month, but then at the
    end you find out there's
    nothing left in the pot for
    you.
    National Insurance.


    I'm happy for Ken Barlow
    being in the Guinness
    Book Of Records for the
    longest running TV soap
    star, but my question is
    who lives on the same
    street for 59 years?

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