What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Due to the gravity of the charges against him, the Andrew Formerly Known as Prince may be facing a life sentence.

His brother will probably allow him to have a footman on the inside, though.

'Ah, Jeeves. I appear to have been somewhat careless in my handling of the soap. Be a sport and pick it up for me, would you?'



Talk about ironic

This morning my 100 year old mum got a telegrams from the King.

And this afternoon my 12 year old daughter got a dick pic from Peince Andrew.



Kier Starmer: "I'm glad I'm not in the Epstein files

Everyone in the Epstein files: "I'm so fucking glad I'm not Kier Starmer




Following the Tourette's N-word incident at the Bafta Awards, opinion is split into two camps:

Those who think the BBC should have edited out the slur, as racist language is never acceptable.

Those who think the BBC were right to air it unedited, as it raised awareness of the condition.

I think everyone has lost sight of what's truly important here.

That it was really fucking funny.





I should have known my ex girlfriend was a slut when I realized typing the word "of" on her phone would always autocorrect to OF



Somebody stole our portaloo last night

They really are taking the piss



"I honestly don't understand why you all liberals push this shite especially with drag queens ?" I said.... "There's no actual fucking woman that looks like this or tries to look like this ?"

Then, sure enough, my wife got back from her fucking salon, with huge perm and looking exactly like Dame Edna.



I came home early and this contractor who is behind schedule was up in my wife's bedroom, and when I flung the door open my wife was face-down and naked on the bed. The contractor explained, "Uh, I've just lost my plum-bob in your wife's butt."

"Understandable, it's pretty roomy in there, try and be less careless with your tools," I said, closing the door again.



Trump offered his formal apology for not inviting the USA's women's ice hockey team to the White House.

"Sorry, I had it on good authority that they all only shower after three periods."



Just listened to Alastair Campbell on a podcast, complaining about how much lying there is in politics these days.
It felt a bit like watching a Ted Talk on women's rights delivered by the Black Cab Rapist.



The myth started that Asians Were better than us at Maths.

That's only because they couldn't use the excuse that the dog ate their homework.




To kill the time at work, some of my colleagues and I decided to look ourselves up on one of these ancestry tracing websites to see if our surnames matched with what our ancestors used to be.
A bloke called Pete Mason went first and as we all guessed, his surname is Mason because his ancestors were masons.
Then a bloke called Alex Tailor had a go and as we guessed, his surname is Tailor because his ancestors were tailors.
We haven't seen Jon Smith since that evening. He jumped out the window and legged it down the street.
Turns out his ancestors weren't blacksmiths: they were Venables.

[Bikkie]

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

"That's total bollocks" I replied.

By text, from across the road.




Green party member Hannah Spencer claims she's a plumber.

A plumber that wants to flood the nation with people from countries that still shit in the streets.



Hillary Clinton has come out in favour of body cams.

Not for the police - for husbands...



Bill Clinton says in House testimony he had ‘no idea’ about Epstein’s crimes.

'I did not have sexual relations with those trafficked children.'




The difference between Iran and I ran:

One's a 7000 year old country and the other the motto of the Israeli Defence Force.




"I saw nothing and I did nothing’, Bill Clinton tells Epstein hearing.
He forgot the 'and I wasn't there anyway'.




t really makes me angry how self-absorbed and uncaring so many people are these days.

I was just eating my McDonald's breakfast in the food court of my local shopping centre when this old man fell down the escalator and landed with a loud crack on the floor.

Not a single person stopped to try to help him. The poor bloke was still there when I left an hour later. It's disgusting.



My wife hosted her fat feminist group in the house and they were mad about Trump walloping both Hillary and Kamelface, and 'how horrible it was'.

"What ?" I interjected, "those two wins were the most i enjoyed seeing a man beat the fuck out of an out-of-her-depth feminist woman since watching GI Jane in 1996."



It finally happened and I had to sit right by a crybaby for the duration of a long flight

10 straight fucking hours of JimmySammy whinging about "why didn't America elect the strong qualified black woman" from London to New York.

[Bikkie]

You ever see a missing dog or cat post on Facebook and the only person you know who lives where it's missing from, is the person sharing it but you want to fuck her, so you share it anyway?.



New leadership required in Iran. Must be dedicated to Islam above all else.


The shortlist is down to King Charles and Keir Starmer.



What's the difference between Ayatollah Khamenei and Andrew Mountbatten Windsor?

The Ayatollah is happy enough with the 72 virgins



Noel Gallagher pokes fun at the BRITs as he points out, 'I haven't actually written a song in two years' after picking up Songwriter of the Year.

However, he has stolen three.



I went on a date with a lass who said she wanted a sophisticated, cultured man.

Over dinner she asked me, 'So, what is your favourite movement in the arts?'

'Well, I've always been partial to the French Impressionists, myself.'

'Good choice! Which French Impressionist is your favourite?'

'I'd have to say Benny Hill.'



"It's totally wrong that a Christian Conservative bakery like us won't serve you," I said to the gay couple as we wheeled out an enormous 6-tier wedding cake covered in rainbows, sparkles, with a top-piece of a biker in black-leather fucking another man directly up the arse, and an enormous black dildo on top.

"What the fuck is this ?' gasped one of the limp-wrists... "We only ordered a simple one with roses !"

[Bikkie]

A pit bull just chased my up the road on my bike. Fuck knows how it reached the pedals.



I decided to take a night class in sewing, the first lesson involved making a tunic, veil and scapular

I walked out as I feared this class would be habit forming.



Middle East conflict has sent the price of Natural Gas up 50% on world markets in just 1 day.

What a relief that we have all that Miliband solar and wind energy to keep our bills down, eh..



I made my 8-month-old son spaghetti bolognese for dinner.

To save time, I rubbed the mince in his face and threw the rest on the carpet.




Uefa are considering a ban on players covering their mouths when talking to each other on the pitch.

If it goes through I reckon the most popular phrase will be "You glack gastard"




"Look at this," I said to my gay son, "Robots are even rapidly replacing the jobs of lower-level white-collar workers.... what's your beloved fascist Labour government doing for you about this ?"

"I won't get replaced.... whenever any of the bigwigs come by and stick their cock in the hole of a robot, all it does is come out all cut-up and chafed."




I think the Catholics are getting a bit too relaxed. After I went to Church today, I decided to go to confession. After I left the Priest just said "Yo dog that is some crazy ass stuff!".



I saw some shit where the USA's "historians" (all prick liberal tools for sure) rated Melania Trump as the worst First Lady of all time with a score of 46, eleven points lower than the next-worst, whilst that huge Gorilla Michelle Obummer scored as high as 82 for God-knows-what-reason.

Then I realised it's because even the best at being a woman is clearly going to be a Man




A first plane out of Dubai has landed safely at Manchester airport.

" It was scary stuff ", said a passenger who had never seen Manchester before.



To the migrants who keep eating all the swans,
Please stop. They taste disgusting, like pond weed.
Love and respect, King Charles 111

"I'm not one of these that's only going to leech off the government tit," said my homo son, "I'm perfectly willing to work 16 hours a day in male sex work...."

"I'm looking for a Handjob, not a Handout...."



Stopping the Leeds v Man City match for Ramadan a ding-dong was the football equivalent of a Robbie Williams concert,when the cunt holds out his microphone for the crowd to sing.


I was sitting on edge of the bed pulling off my boxers. The wife said, you spoil those dogs.



My wife complained once in couples counselling that, "My husband cant even remember the one night he made a long drive home early just to propose to me."

"Why the fuck would I want to remember the Manchester Tool-&-Dye convention of 1978 ?"



I was in South Africa for business recently and I decided to have a game of pool in the hotel bar.

The table must have been pretty old. Instead of red and yellow balls, it only had black and white.

[Bikkie]

These events highlight the impact of music on culture and the lives of artists. Each year, March 5th continues to be a day of reflection on the history of music and the artists who have shaped it.



HMS Dragon…

…the only boat that Spanner has stopped from crossing the Channel.




It's a toss up between HMS Dragon
And the leader board which will move quicker



I once asked Andy Bell out of Erasure if anal sex hurt

"Oooooooh sometimes", he said



I showed my girlfriend the 3ft black dildo I was going to use on her...
She gasped and said "I can't take all that,I've got a weak heart!"
I replied, "Lie on your side love,and I'll miss it"




It took mankind many years to develop effective birth control. Now in 2026 we have Olivia Dean's music.



America:

Was asked if the Supreme leader was dead?

"No Mr Trump always looks like that."..



Iran labels Donald Trump as"the great Satan"

Is there a shit Satan then?





Trump has well fucked his chance of the Nobel Peace Prize.


Trump: "I'm not being black mailed by Israel about the Epstein files and I'm going to bomb Iran for them to prove it".




Donald Trump has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital…
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented Trump.
"No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."


Trump: "It looks like Joe Biden is raising gas prices again".




I read a saying yesterday that described One Direction perfectly-'They have the words, they just don't have the music!'



For four days straight my wife looked at the fridge and said with discipline; "can't eat, big competition is coming up !"

Makes sense.... the last 4 years at the Fart-contest, she unfortunately shat herself as she ripped out "push pineapple shake a tree" and got disqualified.



I've just booked a family holiday to Little St. James island in the Caribbean. Apparently their really good with kids and you get treated like royalty.




Paddy gets a job as a lumberjack and goes to buy a chain saw. The salesman says he can cut down 20 trees a day with it, no problem. The next day, paddy comes back and says "this is shit, I couldn't even manage to fell one tree with this"

The salesman says "let's have a look at it"
He pulls the cord and it goes "RRRRRRMMMMM RRRRRMMMM"
Paddy says "what the fuck is that noise?"




What do panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with a little bit of alcohol.




Congratulations to Iran's new supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, on getting the top job……

…if I were you son, i wouldn’t fuck about on making plans for the weekend.



Breaking News: "War in the middle east".

The rest of the world: "Water is wet".



Drake went to a gay orgy with all his mates.

"Started as a bottom now we queer. Started as a bottom now the whole team fucking queer."

[Bikkie]

Britney Spears has been stopped for suspected DUI in California.

" Keep blowing , keep blowing , keep blowing , ..... " , said an LA traffic cop , before letting her go with a warning and a great sigh.



" Ooops I DUI again "




I honestly cannot believe Iranians are out celebrating right now. It's like they don't even care - or worse, haven't even considered - how this makes liberal white women feel.




"If you can't beat them, join them"

Sound advice for punishing recently separated Siamese twins



I can't stop singing Bee Gees songs in my sleep.

Doctor says I have night fever



Had a head-on collision today with a French guy in a rental car who was driving on the wrong side of the road.

If that's not bad enough, we get out and the bastard is one of those disgusting Trans and all the faggot can't stop saying is that he's called Desiree.



Donald Trump wanting a Nobel Peace Prize after bombing the crap out of every country is akin to Michael Phelps drowning in the shallow end of an Olympic pool.





I once known an italian waiter,

He PASTA way



When say "All I need from you is Care, Attention, Support, and Honesty."

Now try putting all the first letters together...




It was in the showers my first day in prison and the most enormous negro I had ever seen made a move on my arse. The bastard quickly learned the hard way not to try that shit again.

His cock came out all bloody and nearly ripped off because I was hiding a file in there.