Just put a whole
new meaning to
Boxing Day by
knocking out my
wife within the
first 10 seconds
of it!
Fuck I missed the
Queens speech
yesterday.That's
sixty three years
in a row now.
Just put a whole
new meaning to
Boxing Day by
knocking out my
wife within the
first 10 seconds
of it!
Fuck I missed the
Queens speech
yesterday.That's
sixty three years
in a row now.
The Internet has
become too politically
correct.What's all
this nonsense about
disabled cookies? In
my day they were
called broken biscuits.
"What do you want
for your birthday?" My
girlfriend asked
"Anal sex." I replied
"Ha ha,nice try,tell me
something I can buy
for you." "Ok then,
Anal sex with a
prostitute."
When I was a kid I said
to my mum,"I really
want a tattoo." She
said,"If your going to
have a tattoo have it
done somewhwere that
nobody gives a fuck
about." So I had it
done in Auckland.
The NHS have come up with a
new way to help people with
sleeping problems without the
use of drugs....As of tomorrow
Manchester United match
recordings will be avaliable on
prescription!
"I've got a big
cock," I said to her."Fuck off,"
she replied.It's really hard to
chat up women who don't like
blokes that breed chickens.
Watched David
Attenborough's
seven worlds one
planet last
night....What did
we learn? Well
that pumas are
fast....But not as
fast as a black guy
legging it out of a
Athele's Foot store
in a pair of stolen
Nikes.
Does Adele title
her albums
according to her
weight?
BBC."But Andy
Murray,I thought
you loved playing
in Austrailia"...
Andy Murray..."To
me,love means
nothing."
I asked my
partner to rate
my listening
skills.She said,
"You're an 8 on a
scale of 10." I
don't know why
she told me to
urinate on a
skeleton.
A poor quality
Hardware and D.I.Y
store by a David
Bowie fan has
opened up.It's
called "Rubble
Rubble."
The A Team couldn't
be found by the U.S
Army or the FBI,but
could be found by a
little old lady with
landlord troubles.
Paddy tells his wife
"My bumhole is really
burning,I've no idea
what it is..." ..."Ring
Sting" his wife says...
...Paddy replies,"How
the fuck will he
know?"
This year my
new years resolution
is to stop using
spray on deodorants.
Roll-on 2020.
Dead simple this.If your
chromosomes are xx you're a
woman,if they are xy you're a
man.If they are x your name is
Malcom.If they are xxx you have
just signed a birthday card.xo
you're a chinese sauce.x=y2
you're a comudrum.My wife's
chromosomes are oxo that's
because she's a bit of a
fucking cow.
'Robbie Williams reveals he slept
with his drug dealer on the night
he met Ayda Field' He scored twice
before going on the field.
People are like wine gums.Every
colour offers a different taste that
enriches your life and makes you
smile.Except black ones,they're
fucking horrible.
FELLAS: If you suffer from penis
envy,then stop looking at other
blokes penises.
I begged my mate sam not to do
karoake,but samsung anyway.
Interest on your debts is
essentially just money cancer.
Why don't people in
coronation street ever
look at the tv
magazines in the
newsagents to find out
what is going to
happen to them next
week?
The guy that
convinced Stevie
Wonder that he
needed sunglasses
must of been one hell
of a salesman.
Making a list of
women I should
have fucked
when I had the
chance 1.All
of them.
If a pig loses its voice
does it become
disgrunted?
Give a man a fish and
he can eat for a day.
But teach a man to
fish,and he will bore
you to fucking death
with fish stories.
I was sitting on my own in a
restaurant,when I saw a beautiful
woman at another table.I sent her a
bottle of the most expensive wine on
the menu.She sent me a note,"I will
not touch a drop of this wine unless
you can assure me that you have
seven inches in your pants." So I wrote
back;"Give me the wine,As goreous
as you are,I'm not cutting off three
inches for anyone."
Apparently every
woman is bi.It just
takes time to figure
out if it's sexual or
fucking polar.
I walked into a
tattooist today,pulled
my pants down and
said,"I want my
girlfriend's name
tattooed down my
cock please," "Well
lets fucking hope her
name is Sue or Ann."
he replied.
I got home from work
knacked and the
wife was stark naked
on the settee with
her legs wide open.
"Welcome home
sweetheart," she
said,"Now then my
pussy won't lick itself,"
"I know and I'm
going to do
something about it."
I replied,"Rover,
Rover.Come here
boy,there's a good
dog."
Now that Meat Loaf has turned
vegetarian he wishes to be known
as Nut Roast.
My last girlfriend dunped me
because she said I was always
doing owl impressions...I was a
twit to woo her in
the first place.
A mate who used to be a roadie for
Queen back in the day once told me
an amusing tale when the band
were setting off from heathrow
airport.Freddie had brought his
boyfriend along and the poor lad
couldn't get through the airport
scanner,after trying several times
it was revealed he was full of
mercury.
I asked a librarian
if they had
anything on
telepathy?
"Nothing comes
to mind."
I'm in my forties
now,but I'm
proud to say I
haven't lost my
looks.I always
was a right ugly
fucker.
Found my wife's
vibrator the other
day.It's so fucking
massive I'm seriously
thinking about
entering it in Robot
wars!
I saw an offer for pig
breeders weekly
magazine,I signed
up for a 2 year
subscription...And I
got a free pen.
Wimbledon The time
of year blind people
think porn is being
shown on daytime TV.
I'm hotter than a
smack heads spoon.
A wife comes back
from the doctors with
a big smile on her
face Husband says
"Why are you so
happy?" The wife
says,"The doctor told
me that for a 45 year
old woman,I have 18
year old breasts" "Oh
yeah" said the
husband,"Well what
did he say about your
45 year old arse?"
she said,"Your name
never came up in
conversation."
I saw Prince Charles
and Camilla
heading
for cornwall
yesterday on the
motorway,hogging
the middle lane and
had no option but to
undertake them...I
passed the Duchy on
the left hand side.
Rod Stewart
proves that the
first cut is the
deepest.As long
as he throws the
first punch.
I googled Rod
Stewart's age.I
had no idea he was
74 I must say
though......he
wears it well.
Young Hotel
security guard who
was punched by
Rod Stewart is
heralded as a hero.
I had no chance,he
said.The cunt
was 74.
I just walked past
a pornstar in a
car who was
straddling the
centre console,
fucking the gear
stick.At first,I
thought it was an
automatic,but
then I realised it
was Emmanuelle.
Is it just coincidence
that black ice is the
most dangerous?
My wife just came
out of the bedroom
wearing a Nurses
outfit.I thought,
Fucking Awesome
she's going to work.
It was a
Yorkshireman who
invented cats
eyes.He came out
of the pub late one
night,a cat walked
towards him in the
middle of the road
which gave him
the idea of cats
eyes.Had the cat
been walking in
the opposite
direction he would
probably have
invented the pencil
sharpener.
One of the things
that pisses me off
about "Doctor
Who" is the
Tardis.Why is it
still a Police Box?
Couldn't the all
knowing doctor
make it appear as
something more
congruent to the
modern high
street? Like a
charity shop or
bookies?
I used to work at
a keyboard factory,and
my sector was responsible for
the making of the
key D; my job
was to test
whether the D
key worked or
not,so everyday
I would sit and
press the D key
on different
keyboards for 8
hours a day 5
days a week.
Eventually I had
had enough and
had to leave the
job was just
really Depressing.
Can't believe I
have to wear this
dress and
make-up for
another 3 weeks.
Should never
have signed up
for Tranuary.
"Your Nan sucks
cock!" classic
insult,not so
funny when she's
whispering it in
your ear though.
Prince Harry is so
under the thumb
he's soon gonna
have less hair
than his big
brother.
35 killed in
stampede at
funeral procession of
Qassem Soleimani.
One mourner said,"I
should've walked
but Iran."
I keep reading
about these
terrible fires in
OZ.Hasn't anyone
thought about
contacting the
wizard?
Women selling
their nude
pictures for
donations to the
Australian bush
fires.Smoking
hot bush pics to
put out...smoking
hot bush.
Bit soon for a
tennis player
called Ash to
represent
Australia,don't
you think?
Australia now has
to deal with Ash
problem.They
have my
sympathy,especially
when he finds out
there's no longer
Pokemon GYm.
Did you know
that Einstein used
to masturbate
before attempting
complicated maths
problems...
...which I thought
was a stroke of
genius.
For everyone
who believes that
"Nothings
Impossible." Try
getting life
insurance when
you smoke 60 a
day and drink 7
bottles of scotch
a week.
Got a like on a
dating app off a
girl who listed
her interests as
anal sex and the
sound of music...
I thought that's
one of my
favourtie things,
hmm I bet it's a
Von Trapp.
Do you ever
wake up.Kiss the
person beside
you and just be
thankful to be
alive? I did.Not
really appreciated
on buses
apparently.
"You wouldn't happen to do hot
chocolate mate!" I asked the
barman."I'll defintely give it a go!"
He said...."I believe in
miracles.....where you
from...You sexy thing?"
"Your wife has given
birth to a little girl
but there are
problems,the baby
cannot suck or
swallow," "Fuck me,
only a few minutes
old and she already
takes after her
mother."
Paddy:"Have you
ever cheated on me?"
wife:"Yes,but only
twice.Remember
when we were skint,
and I said the butcher
gave us some steaks
for free?"
Paddy:"That's not so bad.
What about the
second time?"
Wife:"Remember when
you stood for office
and said you were
35 votes short?"
Prince Harry and
Meghan Markle
told Elton John of
their plans to quit
royal duties
BEFORE they told
the Queen.I'm
confused who
did they tell
first?
Piers Morgan insists it
wasn't racism that
drove away Harry and
Meghan.I think he's
right.It was more than
likely their chauffeur.
I wonder if ugly
people make a
pretty face when
they orgasm?
I got kicked out
of the weekly
pub quiz last
night.Apparently
"Apes together
strong" isn't the
slogan for Black
Lives Matter.
Just read a sign
in a shop window:
It said...."I would
rather have a 1,000
Muslim
customer's than
have one British
soldier in my
shop," My local
funeral director
cracks me up.
Why do
women pay more
for a haircut?
Because the
conversation is
harder work!
( Do I get a hell yea? )
Prince Harry tells
the Queen that
there's no need
for a transition
period as
Meghan has
already taken his
balls away.
Will Harry now
be known as the
Royal formally
known as Prince?
Say what you
want about
Meghan Markle,but
the recent news
makes her a symbol
of president Trump's
dream for America.A
non-white foreigner
refusing public
benefits and getting
the hell out of the
country...
"Kate and Meghan haven't
spoken for months."
I wish I'd married a
woman like that.
"Duchess boards
a seaplane to
visit a woman's
shelter in
canada" I knew it
wouldn't last,still
no one will notice
she has a black
eye.
Cressida Bonas:
"People always
try to stick a
label on me...I
just want to act!"
The young lady is
far too modest;
she scores at
least nine and a
half out of ten,so
I am sure there
are plenty of men
who want to stick
something in her
rather than on
her.
I'm not saying my new
girlfriend is kinky.
But when I told her
my favourite song is
"April Showers" she
pissed on my face.
Bono's son's band
Inhaler insist
they want to
make it on their
own and don't
want to use his
dad's name for
themselves.The
track listing for
their album
of original
material has just
been released-
1.With or without me.
2.Where the streets have some names.
3.New years eve.
4.I've literally just found what I'm looking for.
5.Monday bloody Monday.
6.Slightly better then the real thing.
7.Angel of Hartlepool.
There's more' I'm sure....
So,Gwyneth
Paltrow is making
vagina scented
candles now....
Presumably
because since
Chris Martin left,
she misses the
smell of a cunt
around the
house?
Gwyneth Paltrow
candles under
investigation
after a Husband
and Wife black
out from the
smell.Apparently
they had the
candle burning
whilst making
love.A neighbour
found the
unconscious
coupling.
There's fuck all
unique about that
Gwyneth Paltrow
candle,every
candle in our
house smells like
my old woman's
fanny.
That Gwyneth
Paltrow candle
isn't very
realistic.It's only
had one wick
dipped in it.
Gwyneth Paltrow
is now going to
bring out a candle
the size and
shape of her tit.
Should fit into
A-cup.
Gwyneth Paltrow
released a candle
that smells like
her vagina.Not
difficult really.
Her vagina smells
of wax.She gave
up using plastic
vibrators a while
ago.
So that what
Chris Martin
smells like!
I'm going to
bring out a candle
that is the size
and smell of my
cock.I'm calling
it the Tee-He
light.
Gwyneth
Paltrow selling
candles that
smell like her
vagina.She gets
on my wick.
A poem for
Meghan: Meghan
Sussex is a cow
Look at what she's
up to now Evil
witch has got her
way Bolting off
for USA Harry's
really pussy
whipped Round
his cock a noose
she's slipped All
his friend's she's
cast adrift with
Will and Kate
she's caused a rift
High and mighty
she has been
Total disrespect
for Queen Really
she's just trailer
trash Black and
common-after
cash Millions on
the wedding
went Fortunes
then on
Frogmore spent
Servants at their
beck and call
Nannies come
and then they fall
Thinks she's had
a rotten deal she's
no idea just
what is real
Whinges,whines
and blames a lot
Are we sorry?-
we are not!
Wallis Simpson
did the same US
slappers sadly
came Upset our
Royals and our
press Causing
utter bloody
mess My strong
advice to Harry is
Man up and bin
the woggy frizz
Cut and run at a
great speed She's
not suitable to
breed.
Harry and Meghan,
or the black and
white minstrel show
as they'll be known
from now on.
Prince Harry
shows he's
serious about
paying back
5 million taxpayers
momey that went
into the
Frogmore
Cottage
renovation,I'll
pay for it with
my white
privilege....
Meghan Markle
throws a masssive
fit after
discovering that
Disney Princess
movies are not
instruction
manuals on how
to perform Royal
duties.
It was a black
day for Britain
when Prince
Harry walked
away from his
official duties.On
the other hand it
means the Royal
Family will have
a white future.
Prince Harry was
asked again about
his carbon
footprint.He
replied,"I'm sick
of people calling
her that."
Well I must say I
am looking
extremely
forward to seeing
South Park do a
episode,involving Prince
Harry and his
lass moving to
canada.
Prince Harry
teams up with his
high school
chemistry teacher
to cook meth in a
desert on the
next episode of
Breaking Royal.
What's Prince
Harry's favourite
type of extinct
fish? Meglagone.
Bad Boys.So
called because of
the sugar,starch
and carbs that fat
cunt Martin
Lawrence has
consumed.
My wife left me
because I like
pina colada.
Well,that and I
got caught in
Lorraine.
"Amazon driver
kicked customer's
pet dog six times
and branded owner
a bitch" I
didn't realise
they carried a
branding iron in
the van.
Just asked a sexy
oriental chick
where she comes
from.Never
heard of
"Mibollax" before,not
going to stop
me fucking the
arse off her
though.
Conner McGregor
finishes in 40
seconds and he's
a success.I
smash it in 40
seconds and I'm a
disppointment.
I rang up the
samaritans
earlier but was
put on hold.The
fucking song in
the background
though.Blondie-
Hanging on the
telephone.
Paddy Guinness
says he needed
therapy to film
Top Gear.Unlike
the rest of us,who
needed therapy AFTER
watching him in
Top Gear.
If fans of Duran
Duran are called
Dunannies,and
fans of Carly Rae
Jepson are called
Jepsies,are
Pantera fans
called Panties?
Just got off the
phone with Bill
Withers.I told
him Aint No
Sunshine is poor
grammar.He said
"I Know I Know I
Know I Know I
Know I Know I
Know I Know I
Know I Know I
Know I Know I
I Know."
Under new rules
fertility clinics
are going to be
allowed to take
sperm from
corpses.We all
expect our Dads
to have been a
bit stiff when we
were conceived,
but not that
bloody much.
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