What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

9th November Pfizer
and BioNTech announce
a vaccine that is 90 %
effective but has to be
stored at in an industrial
freezer.
16th November, Moderna
announces a vaccine that
is 95% effective that can
be stored in a fridge.
23th November : Trump
and Domestos announce
a vaccine that is 99%
effective and can be kept
under the sink.


My asian mate just
packed his job in as a
gardener at the local
recreation ground
because everyone kept
calling him an offensive
name.
I said no they were calling
you parky you thick cunt.


A new public health crisis
is on the horizon.
With everyone being
forced to wear masks
I think there will be an
uptake in the number
people who are gonna end
up schmooooookin.


English language is
very difficult to learn
due to its multitude of
idiosyncrasies.
In fact, it is so complex
experts reckon that
everyday, most users utter
a sentence which has
never been spoken.
I was so surprised by
this statement that you
could have fucked me
sideways with a peanut
butter, banana and white
chocolate spread toasted
sandwich!


Just saw a black guy
cycling off up the road on
a bike! I thought it was
mine but I realised he was
in the field picking Cotton.


When the ex used to call
me Blackadder, I thought it
was because I was always
the wittiest and smartest
in the room.
Turns out it's because I
always missed her bean.

[Piper]

A fairy tale for modern
times Rapunzel... a
role model for modern
women?

Find a man to regularly
abuse you ( every night the
Prince pulled her hair, very,
very painful ).
Let him get you pregnant,
with twins so that your
stepmother /mother boots
you out of the house.
The blind wandering
Prince eventually found
Rapunzel, regained his
sight and they lived
happily ever after.
The Brother’s Grimm
had no knowledge of the
modern benefits system
which would replace the
Prince. A system in which
every immediate financial,
social and housing need
would be taken care of,
thus allowing the single
mother to live happily ever
after with her increasingly
larger self - entitled broad.



People who are struggling
to put food on the table
should spare a thought for
me.
I've had to chop up my
table to put wood on the
fire.


I said to my friend
earlier I'm staying in and
watching that "Lock Stock
And Two Smoking Barrels"
tonight.
What, " he said," With
Jason Statham and Vinnie
Jones? "
" No mate, " I said," Just by
myself. "

[Piper]

"Prince Andrew 'will never
return to royal duties'
again despite his 'delusion
of grandeur."
Why should he when he
Can party all night then
shag young women
afterwards?


"How much do I owe you
for those period pads you
bought me?"
"A tenner lady."


"Two minutes and
then you come," she
complained.
"It was doggy style," I said
"That's fourteen minutes."


I have good news and bad
news.
The bad news is there is no
good news.
And the good news is that
the bad news is irrelevant.


Keen-nosed copper sniffs
out monkey dust and
cocaine stuffed up trainee
nurses vagina.
Sounds like her been with
the niggers again.

[Piper]

China has been accused
of Microwaving Indian
soldiers in Himalayan
border clashes.
I knew it wasn't fucking
chicken!


"We can't live together
any more - it's impossible"
What six weeks of war
has done to Nagorno-Karabakh.
Six weeks!
They should try living with
the wife for a week.


New research confirms
link between Turtles and
Lesbians.
They both choke on
plastic.


What's the difference
between my wife and
Manchester United?
Manchester United still
suck.


I am a man that enjoys
being ruthless.
Ruth left me!!


Andrex have just released
a new product : Liam
Galallgher toilet roll
super, super soft three ply
Great for wiping shit off
your arse.
But all the things you've
seen, will slowly fade
away.

[toycollector10]

I know a joke about Covids19. It's a killer, but I'm pretty sure 99.98% of you won't get it.

[Piper]

Just can’t please some
people.......
I sincerely complimented
someone on their
excellent Movember, and
suddenly she's not your
friend anymore............


A study finds that vegans
are more likely to break
their bones.
When are they going to
learn, there's nothing quite
like having a nice big
Piece of meat going inside
you.

Oooooooh.


I tried to buy cologne for a
gender neutral, non-binary,
agender, pangender
genderqueer, two-spirit,
third gender relative.
Like a bisexual, the
scented oil-based liquid
only comes in male and
female.


Something has always
perplexed me about
people who draw
cartoons of the Prophet
Muhammad. How do they
know what he looked like?


My dad always said
around every corner is a
surprise.
Nice guy, shit tour guide.

[Piper]

Who, When, What, Why
and How walk into a bar.

How: "Where's where?"

When: "Who?"

Why: "No, who is already here"

When: "But how?"

How: " Stop being silly, I got
here with the rest of us "

Who: " This is getting rather
whimsical. "

Why : " What?"

What: "Yes."

Why : "I wasn't talking to you."

What: "Who?"

Who: "Yes? "

When: "Shut up, the lot
of you! I'm going. This is
ridiculous."

How: "Why?"

Why : "Yes?"

How: "I wasn't talking to
you!

[Piper]

Headline : 'Another Blow
For Johnny Depp'.
Good. Now he knows how
his missus felt.



Someone was telling me
about this ship that travels
in international waters
and offers abortions for
women from countries
where the practice is
banned..... I couldn't help
but wonder what the ship
would be called....... All
Abort?


I asked the Colonel what
the. lowest rank in the
army was.
He said, "It's Private."
I said, "Come on you can
tell me."


An armed man has just
run into a real estate agents
and shouted
"Nobody move."

Best chat up line ever -
Actually works.
"Excuse me, love, are you
a lawyer?
Because I want you to get
me off."

[Piper]

US presidents are often
remembered for their
Great catches during their
time in office...

Can you name the US
president who :

Caught Osama Bin Laden
Caught Saddam Hussein
Got caught bugging
the election opposition
headquarters
Caught a bullet in the back
of his neck
Got ( more or less) caught
Al dente with an intern
Was caught on air
suggesting World War
Three had started.
Caught Coronavirus

[Piper]

I told my daughter to take
an old portrait
of herself to a restorer to
get fixed. Dirty cunt just
texted me saying he'd
touched her up!


I told my colleagues I was
going on holiday to Texas.
"Don't forget your sun
cream!" said Leroy.
"I won't need it, we'll all be
wearing white hoods." I
replied.


Free delivery tip. Wear
a balaclava and zig zag
through the streets with
the item. Once the police
have finished questioning
you at station ask
to be taken back to the
delivery address.


When I heard Muslims
Can have four wives I
decided to convert to
Islam. I changed my mind
when I realised they also
have four-mother-in-law's.


Suppose you marry a
widow who already has
a grown up daughter
and your father marries
the widow's grown
up daughter. Now
the widow's daughter
becomes your mother.
Since your mother 's
mother is your wife,
your wife is also your
grandmother. As
the husband of your
grandmother, you become
your own grandpa.
Sweet home Alabama.


I' m doing a quiz and need
some help... I know Henry
VIII had 6 wives - There
was Catherine of Aragon,
Anne Boleyn, Anne of
Cleves, Catherine Howard,
Catherine Parr but, for
the life of me, I can't
remember the surname of
the one called Jane.... See
more.


"Hurry up I've got a
turtles head poking out
my arse." Isn't the wisest
thing to say to Australians
customs officers.


I went to the doctor to
get a prescription for my
alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this
prescription?" I asked him.
"$1,000," he said.
I said, "Woah, and what
are the side effects?,"
"Drowsiness, nausea,
headaches.." he listed.
"I'll decline," I said. "It
seems cheaper just to get
drunk."

[Piper]

My wife screamed at me
"You're bloody obsessed
with those Star Wars
movies. I'm leaving you."
"May divorce be with you."
I replied.


My doctor said that I
should put a bar in my
shower to stop me falling
over.
Silly cunt! After four
double rums I can't even
find the soap.


I said to my girlfriend,
"When I asked you to
tease me, I didn't mean
say my cock was small!"


Giving my Mum's sister a
partial orgasm wasn't as
good as i excepted.
It was a bit of an Aunty
Climax.


My wife told me she's
going to allow rough sex,
Facials, felching, and deep
pounding anal.
Admittedly, I'd received
better emails from her
when she's been staying
away in a hotel with work
colleagues.

[Piper]

I was at a festival one,
beautiful hot day and I
was keen to get pissed,
but I was skint. So I was
sneaking the odd drink
from people here and
there, when I spotted a
pint glass, almost full with
a golden yellow liquid. I
excitedly assumed it was
Someone's beer, so I went
for it. Picked it up and it
felt a bit warm but I just
thought it'd been out in the
sun. So I necked it
Honesty, it was the most
vile thing I've ever tasted!
You've probably guessed
what is was already.
Foster's.


Life is all about how much
Shit you're willing to put up
with just to get your dick
wet

[Piper]

After the death of David
Prowse a statue of Darth
Vadar is to be erected
on the Colston plinth in
Bristol.
Finally a statue we can all
be proud of.
A black man who admits
to being the father.


Apparently Meatloaf’s
gone vegan.
The cunt’s calling himself
Nutroast now.


I woke the missus up
in the middle of the
night and told her I was
stressed and that only a
blowjob would help.
She said, "Where are you
going to find a cock to
suck at three o’clock in the
morning?"


So the Pope is doing a
crossword puzzle when a
Bishop walks in.
"What's a four-letter word
for a woman that ends in-
unt?" the Pope asks.
The Bishop thinks for
a minute, afraid to say
such a word to the holiest
of men. Then a miracle
comes to him. "A-unt?" he
suggests.
The Pope replies, "Yes
that sounds better, got a
rubber?"


A friend asked me to
do a Native American
impression.
I said how.


"The Vicar Of Dibley takes
the knee: Dawn French will
deliver a sermon about
Black LIves Matter when
the BBC comedy returns
for Christmas."
That'll make a change
from going down on two
knees for Lenny Henry.


There won't be snow this
Christmas.
British Customs just
seized £100m of cocaine.

[Piper]

Bob Dylan sells his entire
600 song catalogue to
Universal.. Dylan got a good deal and
only had to pay them for
the shipping.


'... Prince William has
arrived by Royal train in
Scotland.
He booked a tartan
room. and got BOTH!'.

The new Covid vaccine
may have an adverse
effect on fertility, says the
former head of research
at Pfizer.
All the more reason to let
Mrs Ali next door have
mine.


Two heads are better than
one was not something I
wanted to hear from my
Tai bride.


My wife's fanny smells of
roses.
But Roses fanny is tighter...!

[Piper]

Maggie Keenan the 90
year old who was the
first woman in Britain to
receive her Pfizer and
BioNTech coronavirus
vaccine, a spokesperson
for her has confirmed she
hasn't quite come to
terms with her new found
fame, Maggie who is set
to turn 91 next week has
already begun working on
an Instagram, Only Fans,
and an Amazon wish list.
Bless the old Minx!


A man called William
Shakespeare was the
second person in receive
the vaccine?
Fake news. It was the Earl
Of Derby.


1996 Pfizer invents drug
to create stiffs.
2020 Pfizer invents drug
to prevent stiffs.


Do you think the already
controversial BLM scene
in The Vicar of Dibley
Christmas special, is a
subliminal message from
Dawn French that she
misses Lenny's BBC?


Lonely woman desperate
for oral sex during
lockdown have largely
been ignored. We need
to support them with
an "Eat out to help out"
campaign.


Break dancing to be
included in Paris 2024
Olympics. ( Yes fucking
really! ) Other sports
considered, the smash
and grab. Acid toss,
water melon polo,
javelin stabbings, the
snatch clean and jerk
chicken, back garden
fence hurdles, velodrome
electric scooter, 100m
pimp limp, the MC hammer
throw, synchronised
muggings and county
live mobile phone fling...


Heroin Training - Fuck
Yeah, i feel great!
No wait, sorry. I meant to
write, Hero in Training.


I got stung in one of those
scams where you pay a
sum into a scheme every
month, but then at the
end you find out there's
nothing left in the pot for
you.
National Insurance.


I'm happy for Ken Barlow
being in the Guinness
Book Of Records for the
longest running TV soap
star, but my question is
who lives on the same
street for 59 years?