What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

"The 2024 MTV EMAs in
Manchester will be hosted by Rita Ora.
Ora what?"

[Piper]

A young lad knocked on my door tonight

and said,"trick or treat?"

I said,"What have you come as"?

He said , A werewolf"

I said,"but you haven't got a customer on,

You're just in normal clothes."

He said,"well it's not a full moon,is it?..."



"The missus has organised a Halloween
party for the kids,she wants me to dress
up for the occasion.
"What should I wear?" I asked
"Oh I don't know, just dress as a monster
of something " she replied.
-Not sure this Gary Glitter costume is
what she had in mind."


"My son wore an Oasis-themed Halloween
costume.
Baggy Jeans, hooded parka and grotesquely
wrinkled mask with hollow eyes."

[Bikkie]

Coldplay's Chris Martin has fallen through a stage trapdoor during an Australian concert.

I can only hope it happened during a rendition of 'Fix You'



If Liz Truss couldn't last longer than a Lettuce, what's the chances of a Choc Ice lasting longer than a er, Choc Ice?.




I don't understand all this LGTBQ stuff, can someone give me a straight answer?




I fucking told the gagrge I worked at I had a nut allergy. But they still sacked me when all the wheels fell off.



The Spanish discovered a new country and named it Argentina, meaning "Land of Silver".

Then they discovered Nigeria.



Johnny Depp once offered to buy me a beer.

"No thanks," I said "I would never take a drink from a jonny."


A controversial new novel depicts a world where black people rule over white people.

It's called,

Vote Conservative...




King Charles charges the cash-strapped NHS £11.4 million to store its ambulances on his land.

All that because he had to go private.


A coworker told me this joke recently when I told him to "tell me a joke"

What happens when you drink food colouring?

You dye a little on the inside.


Never go out for a walk in the rain in bell bottom trousers. I did and now they're ringing.



Alzheimer's drug, hailed as a breakthrough, could triple the risk of dying.

Win-win.




Boxing categories are getting ridiculous. There used to be just 8 weight classes but it can't be long before there's an M&S 32 inch waist jeans with stretch division.



The next Black Friday,

I am choosing to support the Conservative Party...



How do you tell which couple are on their first date in a restaurant?


They're talking to each other.




People used to say my Nan looked like Bette Midler.

From a distance



A stork delivers children but what bird prevents children?

The Swallow



My son said...
Dad... when was the first time you fell in love?

I said...
I was 18... I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd seen...
Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.

He said...
So what happened?

I said,
Nothing... Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your fucking Mother.


Remember folks to keep your dogs safe at home during the evenings over next few days the as their barking and howling tends to ruin peoples enjoyment of fireworks.




Hindu: how a New Zealander describes a celebration for a bride-to-be.



I need to lose weight.

I went for a jog today and heard clapping behind me.

Turns out it was my arse cheeks cheering me on.

[Piper]

"If Kamala Harris wins the US Presidential
race,so be it

If Donald Trump wins the US Presidential
race again, Soviet."

[Piper]

"I haven't seen a man beat a woman this bad
since the Olympics."


"Men with balls voted for Trump
Women with balls voted for Harris."


"Trump has been voted for his second
Presidential term
I still see stormy months ahead."

[Bikkie]

"Prince Harry paranoid he will be DEPORTED"

Not half as paranoid as his brother.




Donald Trump is now saying he’s ready to run a "different kind of presidency" right,

He’s prepared to make the big transition from,

Trainwreck to Shitshow...



Iran's currency falls to an all-time low after Trump’s win.
They are in Rial trouble.



Anyone else think it's ironic that Trump got voted in because of democracy?




First Hillary, now Kamala.

What were the Democrats thinking?

Trump has a proven track record of beating women.



Commentator last week:

'Will abortion determine the result of the Presidential Election?'

In a way it did, they voted for a walking abortion.




After a hard fought but ultimately unsuccesful election campaign by the Democrats, Joe Biden has expressed his condolences to Hillary Clinton for her loss.




We are unburdened by what will never be.



I haven't seen a man beat a woman this bad since the Olympics



That's the most impressive comeback since the inaugural launch of the boomerang



For all the Trump haters out there, why don't you go and cry four more tears?



Trump 2: The Follow Through



In the wake of the American election, my wife wasn't pleased with the result. She suggested we watch a movie together. I've made the perfect choice:

Scream 2.




Typical Americans, always having to go one better!

In Britain, on November 5th we burn down effigies of Guy Fawkes.

In America, they've just burned down 250 years of democracy.



A few days ago, Biden called Trump supporters and Trump "garbage."

Now, Trump is the one that's taking out the trash !!




Thank god.

Last thing we needed was a president who would use the nuclear launch codes for 5 days every month



I got roped into watching the Melbourne Cup and I still can't tell whether this is a rally for Harris or Trump.



Trump spent his last speech meandering, a pattern he has taken to calling the weave.
“I may be the greatest weaver of all time, but what happens only brilliant people can do that,” he said.
Is he talking about his hair?




"Donald Trump has a cult following".
They were SO close with the spelling..





I met a girl last night called Maria Heinz

She was a bit on the saucy side.



I'm sick of fireworks. It's like porn! The same shit I've seen a thousand times before.

and it always involves my family.




What's a Hindu?

Crosses the road mostly, but there's some debate as to why.



I've noticed that people who wear jogging bottoms are usually the least likely to actually jog...



When Chris Martin fell through that trapdoor he made a yelp like a little girl.

But that's just how he always sings.




Chris Martin is okay!
It's just a stage he's going through.




Chris Martin fell through trapdoor in Melbourne stage.

He was singing ‘Yell Ow!’.





My girlfriend asked me if I thought female comedians were funny.

I said "Are you kidding? Women are hysterical!"




All these years later, my grandfather still suffers badly from Shell shock.

He never got over it hitting a pound a gallon.



A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow! That's a huge lighter! Where'd you get it?" The other guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Cool! Can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and a genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy replies excitedly, "I want a million bucks!"

"Your wish is granted." And the genie disappears.

A few minutes pass and then suddenly the bar door swings open and in pour ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks fall over each other and fill up the bar.

"I can't believe this!" says the guy who just made his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy responds, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"



What do dogs tell their owners to take them for in Wisconsin?


Milwaukees



I don't understand all this LGTBQ stuff, can someone give me a straight answer?





A coworker told me this joke recently when I told him to "tell me a joke"

What happens when you drink food colouring?

You dye a little on the inside

[Piper]

"Reclaim an anacroym from the lefties,
LGBTQ
Really stands for"Let's get back Trump
quickly."


*Prince William has vowed to Be Royal with
a small 'r" Typical Windsor.
History uncle likes to be 'Royal with small
'r' (ses)' too "

[Piper]

"Holding a climate change COP26 in
oil-producing Azerbaijan is like holding
a stop crime convention in Liverpool."

[Bikkie]

The sale's are on?

And there's me thinking black Friday was the nigger out of Robinson Crusoe



The difference between booze and weed?

Five drunk people will start a fight.

Five stoned people will start a band.



Ringo Starr couldn't play the drums or sing.

Listen to him narrating Thomas The Tank Engine, he even talks out of tune.




What do you call it when two Zimbabwean lesbians have sex?

The Rhodesian bush war




How does a plumber pay for his bus fare?

Tap on

Tap off




Economists are speculating whether Donald Trump will follow through with his plans.

Perhaps those adult baby nappies will be necessary after all.




I couldn't believe the stupid dispute I got into with this salesgirl working in this store's lingerie department

I pointed out, "There's no fucking sign here saying 'You sniff it, you buy it !'."



My wife was still sobbing over the Trump election and moaned, "How can so many people choose Darkness over Light !?"

"Actually, they correctly chose Lightness over Dark."



I've never understood why a woman being able to knot a cherry stem with her tongue is supposed to be a turn on. I mean, if I'm sticking my cock in her mouth I want her to suck it, not tie the shaft into a bow.

It would be a bigger turn on if she just flirtatiously showed me how she could suck the whole cherry up through a drinking straw !



I went to this S&M brothel and the mistress said,

"I hope you're used to pain. "

"Of course I am, "I replied, "I'm married. "



" Have it YOUR way! " , I said enthusiastically over the counter to the teenage girl I was serving during my first morning working at Burger King


I was then fired on the spot, my exposed genitals were covered up, and I was bundled into the back of a police van



Just been to a pub called the goalkeepers arms.

What a fucking dive.



Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realise it's not just some days...




Facebook should show mutual blocks instead of mutual friends. Nothing brings people together like how much you hate some of those cunts.



I've just done the most painful, constipated shit ever and my apple watch asked me if I want to record this workout.



Why do Crypto currency owners have conferences?.

I remember when the pound coin replaced the pound note. We didn't feel the need for a get together.



I've just watched an epic porn film starring the invisible man.

That plot twist at the end? I really didn't see it coming.



Mattel Toys say that they have mistakenly printed a porn site URL on the packaging for dolls of characters from the Wicked movie.

Let's hope they don't make a similar error with Hot Weals.



I've decided to identify as a Kamala Harris voter


My pronouns are Skinny / Latte



Son:
Dad, what does gay mean?
Dad:
It means happy son.
Son:
Are you gay daddy?
Dad:
No son, I married your mum.



I got home from work and my wife was sat in front of the fire with her legs wide open.
"What on Earth are you doing?" I said,
"Warming tea up, " she replied.
"Fuck me," I answered, "how many's coming?"




Coldplay frontman Chris Martin has saved a young boy from being crushed at the band's recent Sydney concert.

Poor bugger was trying to escape.


I just tried to get onto the dark web.

It directed me to the black website.

It didn't work.



Went to the Innuendo Appreciation Society's annual dinner last night.

After some Pulled Pork and Jerk Sauce we had some nice Juicy Melons.




It's not generally known that Gladys Knight suffered from OCD.

Every hour on the hour, she'd check her watch accuracy against the radio.




I'm reading a book called, 'Fear of Sunlight'.

By Gladys Knight.



My dyslexic mate reckons Queen Camilla is being threatened by a bishop or a knight.
After hearing she has a chess problem.




Anyone who thinks TV channels aren't racist against whites should ask MTV why it's mainly blacks on Catfish.



You know you're a thick fuck when the other contestants on The Chase tell you to go for the biggest amount.



Someone found a plastic disc with a hole in the middle…Police think it could be a record.



I love the way my nine year old son is preparing for adulthood and it's pitfalls. He spent all his money on a dolls house and gave it his little girlfriend next door saying,


"Here you might as well have a house now instead of taking one off me in twenty years. "



Relatively speaking, my uncle is my mother's brother.



The FBI interviewed Mike Score of the band A Flock Of Seagulls for intel on the next plot to assassinate Donald Trump.
When asked where it may come from he replied "Iran, Iran so far away"



My dyslexic pal says he'll never get over the demise of Jean Charles de Menezes


" I used to love popping in there for some fags or a tin of sweets before getting on the train ", he added


(Nobody under 40 will get this)




They say that every body piercing has a story behind it.

My story is: I'm clumsy with sharp objects.




We don't use the N word in the public sector.

We say Community Project.




Paddy runs in to a chemists...."A packet of Pyrex please"
"Don't you mean Durex"?
"No, Pyrex...I've got a date with a hot dish"!



I hate this cold.

I've gone through more tissues than Katie Price at a glory hole convention.



Watched "the day of the jackal" on sky,all that skill,weaponry and imagination and he chose not to execute any of the hundreds of niggers that are in the fuckin thing!



Pub called The Midget changes name after lecturer says it is offensive. The Oxfordshire establishment opened in 1974 and was named after MG’s famous car. The lecturer has made a career out her dwarfism (book and similar protests).

I thank the Telegraph for bringing this to our attention and share a couple of the readers' comments in the hope that they will strike a chord here:

I doubt her book is a best seller. Probably a small print run.

If it had been MGBGT the alphabet mob would have been apoplectic.

She must have spent years looking for something on which to grind her axe.

Apparently they serve short measures.

How small minded.

I feel like there’s a joke here… but it’d probably just go over her head.

Apparently 6 out of seven dwarfs are never Happy.

She’s Welsh, based in Liverpool and a dwarf. Life hasn’t been kind to her.

Over to you...



Arabs. Even the way they read is backwards.



Fairy tales for the modern age.

Black snow and the seven paralympians
Jill Bean and the stalker.
Gaydilocks and the 3 buff lumberjacks.
Rape-unzel (An Eastern European girl is trafficked and kept as a sex slave in a London tower block)
Ali Baba and the 40,000 innocent asylum seekers.
Lesborella (Dominated by her ugly straight white step brothers) Lesborella meets a beautiful Princess at a club but has to leave to catch the 10pm train.
The princess tracks her down with the aid of the glass Dr Martin Boot she left behind at the club.
They marry, adopt several kids and get divorced 2 years later.



Well, at least we know how Nellie the Elephant voted.

Trump, Trump, Trump.




I've got Paul Simon to invest in my street food truck outside a Saudi Arabian football stadium. I'm calling the business, 'You Can Call Me Al-Halal'.




Donald Trump: Now the proud owner of the worlds most expensive 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card.

[Piper]

"The world's oldest man has died.
That is false.Keith Richards is still alive.


Back when I used to coach,I encouraged
my clients by shouting at them the Rocky
quote -"Be More Man than him!!"
Most of the ladies with an MMA match
against some huge tranny, and stormed
out of the Octagon."


PETA has demanded that The Sly Old Fox Pub
in Birmingham changes it's name,as it's
'demeaning' to foxes
Yeah,if one of them walked by and read the sign
I'm sure they'd be inconsolable..


"Trump plans to kick transgender troops out
of the military, with 15,000 service members
to be 'medically discharged ' on his first
day in office.
Klinger finally gets to come home "


Rod Stewart is the first act confirmed for
Glastonbury 2025
Wheelchair access is provided.

[Piper]

"Black Friday must have been a bitch
in slave days."


"The pied piper of Hamelin, Black Friday
special...two for the price of none "


"It's Black Friday, and at my local shop people
are lining up around the block for a bargain.
Then this posh twat in a suit comes to the
front and is told to get to the back, before
he could answer he gets beaten up by a few
people in line.
He gets up and tries to get to the front again
and is knocked down.He takes a few more
kicks and punches,then he shouts,"If you don't
fucking stop then I'm not opening the shop."


"It's Black Friday, and the Lego store
is having a sale,
People are lined up for blocks."

[Piper]

The new Conservative party advent calendar
this year can only be sold to over 18's.
That's because there are pictures of cunts,
dicks and tits behind each door.


My grandson wants a train set for
Christmas but I can't get one anywhere.
I hope he won't mind if I get him a
replacement bus service.


Emir of Qatar BANNED from UK GAY
Club for fighting.
So the king is a Queen.

[Bikkie]

Trump announces plan to annex Canada and rename it Gay North Dakota




I've started a thing with Oral B.

She's Mel's sister.



It's not a hate speech if you enjoy it.



I'm glad I'm not dyslexic. I wouldn't want a "male order bride" from Thailand.



When I was a nipper, having a 'dry night' meant I didn't wet the bed.

As an adult, having a 'dry night' means I didn't get plastered.

And wet the bed.



The BBC currently has presenters of Bargain Hunt, Masterchef and The Repair Shop suspected of offences against adult females.

It's the only organisation in the world that could consider that an improvement.




I used to think that Ravens had six pinion feathers and Crows had five, then someone told me it was the other way round and Crows had six pinion feathers and Ravens five.
Either way, it's a matter of a pinion.



Just bought holiday insurance for my camping trip I've just read the small print and if my tent blows away I'm not covered



I want to live in a world where rainbows remind me of a beautiful display of nature and not 2 dudes in the same bed.



British champion diver Tom Daley isn't gay but he does want to be a woman.

That's why he stands in front of the mirror in the 'tuck' position.




My grandson wants a train set for Christmas but I can't get one anywhere.

I hope he won't mind if I get him a replacement bus service.



TOP TIP: Middle-aged men.

Console your wife and restore pride in your marriage by telling her that thanks to your chronic premature ejaculation, you'll never again lose a game of soggy biscuit.



The wife's annoyed with me.

I asked her if she wanted a picnic.

Silly cow got all dressed up for a chocolate bar.




For a change, I had Ham and Tomato and my wife had Cheese and Pickle.

We thought we'd experiment with Roll reversal.



I took my daughter to a panto put on by my employers, Proctor and Gamble.

My daughter said "That woman with the wand with a star on top. I don't think she's a real woman".

"That's right" I said. "The fairy is non-biological".



This really fit single blond with big boobs lives right across the street to me and I can see her place from my patio.
Anyway, I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I rushed to open it, she looked straight at me and said...
"I just got home, and...
I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and make love!
Are you doing anything tonight?"...
I quickly replied... "Nope, I'm free!"
She said, "Great!...
Could you watch my dog?




I ran into someone I hadn't seen for a long time and I asked him how his son Tom was doing.

"He's now a broad !"

"Heh, he had a sex-change done then..... I always knew that kid was a little fairy..."

"No, I mean he's just doing a term in Barcelona."



If you finish with your girl on top riding you, does that count as her being a babysitter?

And when she gets up to get off of you, does that count as dropping the kids off to dad?




As a married man, I can honestly say that my wife and I have always shared the same goal

To make her happy




My wife convinced me to marry her by singing “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. She would walk around the house naked, singing, “If you like it then you should’ve put a ring on it.”

I’ll be singing the same thing when I divorce her.

She won’t do anal.



Waiter is taking an order in a restaurant. He asks the customer "Do you have any nut allergies?". Customer says "Cashew". He says "Fucking hell that's a bad'un!".




What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron




All the fat, feminazi girls and women that are salty about Trump's crushing victory are turning up with freshly shaved heads at the family Thanksgiving dinner, in signs of protest !

And here's Trump already delivering on his promises, making sure Amercian families now have more than one turkey at the table




"I don't want to die a virgin," I told the genie.

"You're now immortal," he replied.



My wife came down as we were ready to go out, she was dressed in a see through dress which clearly showed her large firm breasts and erect nipples, the outline of her beautiful shaven vagina was visible as well.

"Wow, " I said, "sometimes I need reminding of why I married you," I said.

"Because of my beautiful body?" she replied,

"No," I answered, "because you're such a fucking slut. "



t
Idiots often ask 'If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?' when the answer is very simple

People who live in Bradford originate from where the sun is very hot, so they have to be like a non-stick pan

[Piper]

My wife hinted she's "hoping to get a
ring" this year at Christmas.
Sorted... I'm drinking my beer on the
coffee table with no coaster.


"If Merry Christmas offends you...
Then Merry Fucking Christmas!"


A reminder from my Chinese friends:
A puppy isn't just for Christmas -you can
have the leftovers on Boxing Day.


Does anyone know if Mrs Brown's Boys
Christmas special is a repeat this year,or
have I got to smash another fucking
telly?





Santa simply cannot be black
A black Santa would be seen LEAVING the
property with a sack of presents


I just found my Christmas spirit
It was on the shelf at Liquor Land
all the time.


No matter what I do with our kids,the wife
is always finding fault with me.I bought
our two year-old daughter her first jigsaw
for Christmas but, typically,the wife went
fucking mental.
Some bollocks about...."too young for power
tools."


I got pulled over while driving home for
Christmas.
My Rea light was defective.




According to a new poll, most British
people think that Santa clause is a Labour
man.

Which is odd, because when you think,

"fat old white man who hires unskilled
Labour," you think conservative.


All the major betting companies are
changing the definition of a white Christmas.
You will now only win the bet if a white face
appears on the BBC over the Christmas
period.

My kids have been in my ear about going
to a Pantomime this Christmas,so I found
tickets for the best one in town.
Tottenham V Wolves on December 29th .


Jay-Z has decided to change his
name in tribute to his black
heritage.
From now on he will be known as
Lay-Z


Prince Andrew invited an alleged
Chinese spy to Buckingham
Palace.
He was bribed with Sum Yung Ho.


Prince Andrew invited Chinese spy to
Palace
Those corgis better watch out.


Andrew could starve this Christmas, He's
been disinvited from Sandringham;
And the government's banned him from
Chinese takeaways!


I empathise with Prince Andrew's
situation, it's not pleasant.
No fucker wanted to be anywhere
near me the last time I had a dodgy
Chinese either.


Stella Creasy: 'JK Rowling is wrong -a
woman can have a penis""
I half agree.A woman can certainly be a
prick"


Scientists are saying that pig hearts may
soon be transplanted into humans.
Which is good news for everyone except
Jewish and Muslim people....


I wonder if it was a total mistake when
JAY Z and BEYONCE first got together all
because the personal assistant to Jay z got
it wrong at the time when Jay z said he wants
to fuck destiny's child!

[Piper]

Don't panic guys,keep your peckers up,it
will soon be over, the season of good
will to all men ( no mention of women? )
will only last another 3 days