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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #2116
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    In an attempt to show that
    Bond films don't promote
    inappropriate sex and
    violence, a draft of the
    next film in the franchise
    has been leaked.

    No Thyme To Diet stars
    Joyce Bond, she's a
    single parent of a mixed
    race disabled child, she's
    vegan and seriously
    thinking of coming out as
    transgender. This dusky
    skinned heroine wears
    only organic clothing,
    No fast cars for her, she
    pursues villains on her
    e-scooter, recharging it
    overnight using a wind
    powered generator ( it took
    Her a while to realise solar
    cells don't work in the
    dark ).
    When she catches the
    villains she uses her
    powers of persuasion
    ( and shrill heckling
    voice ) to force them to
    surrender. No violence, no
    sex, just the occasional
    flat latte or full strength
    Capstan ( her only vice ).

    The film will be released
    next August 2022,it lasts
    Just over four hours and
    is suitable for family
    viewing.

    Hang on a minute, what's
    that disturbing noise.... Oh,
    it's Sean Connery, Roger
    Moore and David Niven
    spinning in their graves.


    Misogynists always claim
    that men are better than
    women at sports.
    But if that’s the case, how
    come Laurel Hubbard
    only started winning
    gold medals after she
    transitioned?


    How do you tell the
    difference between a
    dwarf and a midget?
    Dwarves do pantomime
    Midgets do porn.


    Prince Harry set to
    name Royal as racist in
    bombshell new book.
    That will be a fillip for the
    family.


    There England players
    who played at Euro
    2020 are refusing to be
    vaccinated, and won’t
    be allowed to play in the
    World Cup in Qatar.
    I fucking hope it’s
    Rashford, Sancho and
    Saka.


    According to a new book,
    Donald Trump turned
    down a challenge to
    go vegan for a month
    'because he feared losing
    even a single brain cell.'
    Fair enough. That would
    prove fatal for him.


    Is the birds football
    kicking off on Sky Sports
    this early just so that
    They can get home to do
    the ironing and make the
    dinner?


    Due to the fuel shortage,
    Chris Rea has just
    started walking home for
    Christmas.


    My wife had a right go at
    me for letting fireworks
    off when it's not even
    Halloween yet.
    If she keeps on, I'm
    going to take down
    the. Christmas tree.


    I hate being dyslexic.
    My heart stopped as I
    thought the latest fire in
    Honduras was burning
    Ganja.


    Still angry about their
    stich up over the
    submarine deal with
    Australia, France decided
    to strike a new deal in
    Europe.
    Talks are going on with
    the Greek Government
    over a controversial army
    training package.
    At a special press
    conference today, French
    Defence Minister, Florence
    Parly was pressed for
    details and she proudly
    announced that deal had
    just been agreed and
    that France was looking
    forward to training 300
    Spartans in the noble art
    of surrender.


    Tom Dale's new
    autobiography is called
    "Coming up For Air.
    Nothing in it about the
    Olympics...


    What's 25m long, screams
    and has no pubic hair?
    The front row of a Harry
    Styles concert.


    Ryan Giggs is thought to
    be favourite to get the
    Managers job if Olly's
    results don't improve.
    The united board said they
    want someone who is
    ruthless and has had a lot
    of experience of beating a
    weaker opponent.


    These new covid variants
    are spreading faster than
    My Netflix password.


    Apparently It's breast
    awareness month, now I
    would imagine if there's
    one thing men are aware
    of its breasts.
    I wonder which tit thought
    this up? Probably a
    splitarse.


    Just before the Fake Virus
    I won a private screening
    of the new "Bond" - No
    Time to Die.

    He goes to Africa to half-heartedly
    fight SPECTRE and Blofeld, all the time
    getting cucked and humiliated by the
    new feminist black woman
    they've parasitically
    attached to him, and
    also there's that black
    Moneypenny for some
    fucking reason as well.

    "It's hopeless," I said
    audibly as heads turned,
    "the real enemy he should
    be fighting has already
    taken over from the
    inside."

  2. #2117
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    Surprised to see Schofield
    advertising Craft Gin Club.
    Thought he'd prefer a
    cheeky 12 year old single
    scotch.


    Helped my neighbour
    hang a 75" TV he bought
    from a crackhead. When
    he turned it on, it was the
    menu from KFC.


    DID you know that when
    singers have sex they
    know the note they hit
    when they come?
    Take R Kelly, for instance,
    he comes in A minor.


    Facebook down...
    Great now i have to come
    on here to tell you that i'm
    depressed and cooking
    fish fingers and chips for
    dinner, and whilst i'm at it
    let you know my ugly kid
    just got a sticker in maths
    today.


    Facebook and Instagram are
    down.
    I bet these social media
    influencers and models are
    worried they'll have to find
    a real job.


    I bet Zuckerberg’s been
    Caught sending dic pics and
    his Mrs made him delete
    Facebook, whatsapp and
    Instagram ffs.


    With Facebook
    and messenger and Instagram
    all down, it's times like
    this we have to be grateful
    for the other dick pick
    apps like Snapchat to
    score our drugs of some
    random stranger


    Scientists revealed that an apple a
    day could improve a woman's
    Sexual satisfaction.
    Apparently, the scientists have never
    heard of something called,
    "a banana."


    I love BBC Sport.
    Big Black Cocks are just awesome, my
    good fellow.


    Every time I see Phil
    Collins wobbling around
    on a walking stick on
    stage I can't help thinking
    that Peter Gabriel is sitting at.
    home with a voodoo doll
    and a big smile.


    All these feminists
    attempting to link
    terrorism with builders
    Wolf whistling good
    looking women on their
    way to work?
    How about watching my
    missus reaction after
    spending her Prosecco
    money on both teams
    to score in both halves
    for Brighton Vs Arsenal
    yesterday..
    You will then see shit we
    need to protect men from.


    For those unvaccinated people who
    want to go to the rhythm and vines festival,
    will only be getting rhythm and declined.

  3. #2118
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    Former footballer Jaap
    Stam has had a miserable
    career since hanging up
    his boots, one managerial
    sacking after another. So
    much so, he decided to
    go in a new direction and
    start again as an optician.
    This, however also ended
    in disaster and he shut
    down after a week due
    to having no customers.
    I can't help feeling it may
    have something to do with
    the name he chose for the
    company....
    Jaap's Eyes....


    I like women like I
    like my James Bond
    catchphrases....
    Shaken, Not stirred.


    Rachel Yankey has been
    inducted into the Women's
    Soccer League 'Hall' of
    fame.
    Kitchen surely?


    The English Ashes tour of
    Australia is in doubt.
    No point going to beat the
    Aussies. Their police are
    doing that already.


    Dominic Raab doesn't
    know the word for men-hating
    women.
    Wives, mate, wives.

  4. #2119
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    So William Shatner blasts
    off into space with Elon
    Musk next week.
    "Star date 2021... Captain's
    log... In my... pants."



    One of my friends was
    telling me in the pub that
    Uhura has revealed she
    had disgustingly perverted
    sex with the actor playing
    Captain Kirk at that time.
    "Shatner?" I asked.
    "Yes and golden showers
    too."

    When asked if he wanted
    to go into space to search
    for Leonard Nimoy,
    William Shatner said
    "Don't ask stupid
    questions besides we did
    that in 1984."


    William Shatner
    To oldly go.


    William Shatner will have
    a star date revisit when
    he becomes the oldest
    person ever in space at
    the age of 90.
    I hope they keep an eye on
    his logs.


    Star Trek icon William
    Shatner, 90 will become
    the oldest person EVER to
    visit space NEXT WEEK on
    Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin
    rocket.
    Retrofitting wheelchair
    access has been a bitch.


    If Del Boy from Only Fools
    and Horses hasn’t sold his
    3 bed flat in Peckham, he
    is now a millionaire.


    Bubba Wallace has
    become the first black
    driver in 58 years to win a
    Nascar Cup Series race.
    And to find this step up
    in performance, all it
    took was a few words of
    encouragement from his
    team.
    "Bubba, it's stolen."


    Due to being classed as
    'Racist',
    China Crisis are due to re-release
    and rename their
    song, Slanty - Eyed Ray.


    After utterly disappointing
    new Bond movie, I decided
    to go with a brand I
    thought couldn't betray
    me.
    Turns out "Fast & Furious
    13: Fuel Shortage wasn't
    any better.


    Out in Indian Wells
    California, Andy Murray
    reports his wedding ring
    has gone missing.
    I reckon he'll find it in the
    glove compartment of
    his car, alongside Emma
    Raducanu's knickers.


    Before the
    Commonwealth games
    baton left London, Her
    Majesty the Queen
    inserted the traditional
    secret message, that
    won't be read out until
    the opening ceremony in
    Birmingham next July.
    My money's on : Free the
    Duke of York!


    I got my wife a shelf and
    some jars for her birthday.
    They were labelled Emma,
    Geri, Victoria, Mel B and
    Mel C. She's always
    wanted a spice rack.


    9% of couples in the UK
    are interracial.
    Not one of the men is a
    stepdad.


    I visited four adult toy
    stores this morning and
    not one of them had any
    action figures!


    Matildas legend reveals
    Sexual abuse within
    Australian women's
    soccer - including DRY
    HUMPING and rubbing
    soap on each other.
    Or just a halftime break
    says every premier league
    player.


    'R Kelly To Expose
    celebrity paedophile Ring.'
    Yeah if I was facing a
    life sentence I'd probably
    moon the judge too.


    Katie Piper rushed to
    hospital for emergency
    treatment as she
    struggles to swallow.
    Same as 20 million
    married women then.


    Neil Diamond is in denial
    about the fact that he has
    Parkinson's disease, and
    to prove it is going on a
    tour where he will perform
    standard repertoire :
    Shakin 'All Over
    Shake It Off
    Don't Stop Movin'
    Can't Hold On
    Shiver


    There are rumours top-flight
    women's football is to merge
    with men's football.
    Gary Blaketon from
    Widnes Sunday team The
    White Swan Rovers said,
    "I have no problem with
    this. As long as they're
    prepared to work their way
    up to our division.

  5. #2120
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    Saudi owner urge
    Newcastle fans to be
    realistic about their
    takeover and not get
    overly excited.
    Although they do
    acknowledge it will be
    difficult for them not to
    lose their heads.


    If Newcastle United don't
    win the Premier League
    next year, heads will roll.


    A Saudi Arabian takeover
    of Newcastle United has
    been agreed upon.
    A spokesman said we
    have No Cups but plenty
    of Saucers...


    Newcastle United don't
    like The Flintstones. But
    ABI Dhabi do.

    "I see Newcastle United
    have been taken over by
    a consortium from the
    Middle East Paddy."
    "I thought Walker's already
    owned Leicester City?"


    So Andy Murray lost his
    ring, my Ducky Dennis has
    no problem finding my
    ring.
    Oooooooooh


    Gary Barlow launches his
    own £3 wine from Spain
    complete with piano key
    labels.
    It tastes just like his
    music, thin-blooded,
    repetitive, dishwater bland,
    and uninspired


    "Biden delivers remarks on
    restoring protections for
    national monuments."
    I'd be more impressed if
    he weren't adding his own
    face to Mount Rushmore.


    In the event William
    Shatner's seat belt doesn't
    work during the launch
    he'll be asked to Klingon.

  6. #2121
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    History was made during
    the Andorra England game
    when a female official
    actually changed her mind
    after making a wrong
    decision.


    I bet Wayne Rooney can't
    wait for tonight. Football
    followed by a threesome.
    After all, it's England, Vee
    and Dora.


    The referee and
    assistants for Andorra
    V England tonight are all
    women.
    Their poor husbands must
    be fucking starving to
    death.

  7. #2122
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    BBC : Fury beats Wilder in
    thrilling Vegas fight.
    The Guardian : White man.
    beats up black man.


    Tyson Fury remains
    unbeaten, which isn't
    something any of his exes
    can say...


    Didn't take long for Emma
    Raducanu to become shit
    at tennis when she found
    out she was English.


    After her recent defeat,
    Emma Raducanu has
    decided to make a slight
    change to her career
    and is now going to
    become a tennis playing
    policeman
    "To protect, and serve."


    T-shirts with the slogan
    'Blow Jobs Are Real Jobs'
    have been banned in
    Liverpool..

    So the prince of arabia
    sent someone to England
    to purchase him a new
    Caste.... Whoops!


    Doctors in Lithuania
    have removed more than
    two pounds of nails
    and screws from a man
    who started swallowing
    metal objects after
    giving up alcohol.
    After a 3-hour operation,
    the man bolted.
    He sounds nuts.


    I tried drinking out of a
    Spurs mug but it was
    impossible.
    When I tried to pick it up, it
    kept sliding further down
    the table.


    Until recently, in
    Afghanistan, "to kill two
    birds with one stone" was
    just a figure of speech.
    Now it's an economical
    way of dealing with
    feminists.


    Masks are the New bra.
    They're really fucking
    uncomfortable.
    You only wear them in
    public and
    Every cunt notices when
    you don't wear one.

  8. #2123
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    According to Sky News,
    William Shatner's trip into
    space with Blue Origin has
    been delayed by wind.
    Well what do you expect
    when you're dealing with a
    90 year old man?


    EEL referee came out
    of the closet on National
    Coming Out Day. His
    name...... Adcock......
    You can't make this shit up.


    "I'm very appreciative of
    the fact that I'm an openly
    gay man in football," said
    Adcock.
    "I couldn't be more proud
    of him," said his partner
    Alan Upthearse.

  9. #2124
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    Who is playing Prince
    Andrew in The Crown?
    Gary Glitter.


    Scotland Yard have ended
    the investigation into
    a young woman being
    trafficked for the sexual
    gratification of Prince
    Andrew.
    Extensive enquiries failed
    to find anyone who the
    slipper fitted.


    'Very hands on' - Amanda
    Staveley clarifies her
    Newcastle role
    Just like her ex, Prince
    Andrew.


    Tomorrow Captain Kirk is
    gonna party like it's Space
    1999.


    At 90,the previous record
    for the oldest person in space
    will be totally Shatner Ed.


    Just seen the new Bond
    movie, where we find
    out that Ben Whishaw's
    character is gay.
    ... I guess that explains
    what "Q" stands for.


    4 Non Blondes
    Hitler's least favourite
    band.


    Hews: Rome overrun by
    trash - eating boars.
    So, American tourists are
    back?


    News has just been
    released, under the f. O. i
    act, of the police arresting
    five female protesters
    who were plotting to
    attend and disrupt next
    month's COP26 meeting in
    Glasgow. They are being
    held on multiple bigmamy
    charges,turns out they
    were all married to the
    same undercover cop!


    Superman is now bi.
    So it turns out he was
    called man of steel
    because he never lost his
    hard on while bumming a
    bloke.

    Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
    No, it's superfagott.


    Superman is coming out
    as gay?
    I thought he wore his
    underpants on top of his
    trousers.
    Not back to front.


    Clark Bent.


    The LGBT community
    celebrates the first Gay
    superman.
    He's faster than a
    speeding Tran


    Hungary fans clash
    with police at Wembley
    Stadium.
    Fucking hell - you’d
    think they'd have had
    something to eat before
    going to the match.


    Man Utd could still win the
    title this season
    Of Britain’s worst run
    football club.


    Irony...
    China has shut 60 coal
    power plants
    Because of extreme flash
    flooding.
    Caused by Climate
    change.


    Activists from
    environmentalists group
    Insulate Britain have been
    pictured burning the court
    orders banning them from
    obstructing motorways.
    That'll do the air quality a
    lot of fucking good.

  10. #2125
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    "William Shatner to go
    into space for the first
    time at age 90."
    So Star Trek isn’t a true
    story? Lying bastards.


    Reports coming in now
    that 90 year old William
    Shatner has shat himself
    as he's been sitting on his
    spaceflight.
    He's absolutely petrified
    to keep looking out of the
    window to see a monster
    on the wing of the shuttle.


    England drew with
    Hungary last night.
    They're not the best artists
    but they did ok.

  11. #2126
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    Superman up your arse
    faster than a speeding
    bullet.


    Is it a bird?
    Well, it likes cock...


    "Superman comes out"
    as reported by Rimmy
    Olsen.


    Is it a bird?
    No.... its Superman!!!!!!


    Superman will no longer
    wear his underpants on
    the outside.
    Its lacy knickers from now
    on.


    Turns out that Superman
    goes down nearly as
    quickly as DC's sales will
    So is Superman related to
    Battyman?


    A mystery for years,
    scientists today
    announced they may
    now know the origin of
    SuperAIDS.


    Can't wait to read the next
    edition of the Superman
    comic where he takes on
    the Arse Bandits.


    Why are people surprised
    by the revelation that
    Superman's son is gay?
    I mean honestly, THAT
    Cape with THAT top
    darling...


    DC Comics has introduced
    its first - ever transgender
    character.
    The character is called
    Wonder if It's A Woman?


    Siderman has an arch
    enemy who as a peculiar
    nature such as I.
    The Green Gobbler
    Ooooooh


    "Is is a bird? no, but it will
    be after the operation


    Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
    No it's Superman sucking
    cock again.


    The new Scouse
    Superhero will take your
    very soul and everything
    else you possess.
    Fighting. the mighty DWP and only
    affected by the sun, oh,
    and packed enclosed
    spaces, Yes it's DCs
    newest creation...
    Robbing.


    The Rolling Stones have
    been forced to drop
    'Brown Sugar' from their
    set list because critics
    have labelled the track as
    crude, sexist and grossly
    offensive towards black
    women.
    The band have decided to
    replace the song with two
    lesser known tracks : 'Far
    Away Eyes' and 'Little Red
    Rooster... because
    demarara.


    Rolling Stones to retire
    song' Brown Sugar ' as it
    offends niggers.
    "Gimme Shelter" offends
    tramps, "Can't You Hear Me
    Knocking" offends deaf. cunts etc.
    Feel free to add your comments.


    The Stones have done well
    to get away with Brown
    Sugar for as long as they
    have.
    Diabetes is a killer at their
    age.


    Ozzy Osborne has been
    invited to the White House
    to meet Joe Biden. It just
    goes to show that if you
    take controlled drugs and
    talk like a three year old
    you can go far in America.


    William Shatner - workshy
    lying bastard.
    He promised us a five year
    mission.
    He was only in space a
    few hours... bastard.


    Captain Kirk goes into
    space.
    Sorry where's the fucking
    story with this?


    Prince William - "saving
    the Earth should come
    before space tourism?"
    Yes, also solving poverty
    should come before
    royalty willy.

  12. #2127
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    sick?

    In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 150 years.
    They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

    The Ministry of Health did some research, and found irrefutable evidence that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray instead.

  13. #2128
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    BREAKING NEWS :

    Meghan and Harry could
    become 'worlds richest
    personal brand.'

    This is GREAT news as
    in keeping with what they
    believe in and helping the
    planet and underprivileged
    and poor people, they
    have agreed to sell off ALL
    their assets and give away
    all their money to the poor
    and underprivileged.

    Meghan has already
    started to make her own
    clothes from the skins of
    the sour grapes she still
    has and runs her laptop
    from the ENORMOUS chip
    she has on her shoulder.


    William Shatner has hit
    back at criticism from
    Prince William about his
    space flight.
    He said, "In all the years
    I was transported to
    different planets in Star
    Trek, I wasn't ginger, I
    didn't sweat, I didn't shag
    a minor and I sure as
    hell never fucked a black
    bitch."


    So Elton John's
    celebrating scoring his
    first number 1 in 16 years
    For the last 16 years, he's been
    scoring in number 2.


    Beyonce has started a
    support group for women
    suffering from Herpes
    Zoster.
    Its for all the Shingle
    ladies.


    A woman in the UK
    crashed her car because
    she was using a vibrator
    while driving.
    The woman is now
    said to be in "stable
    and extremely relaxed"
    condition.
    The driver of the van said
    he never saw her coming.


    Pink Floyd's Roger Waters
    has been married so many
    times, he has enough
    bricks for a pizza oven.


    The Rolling Stones may
    have given up Brown
    Sugar but Roger Waters
    hasn't.


    Maroon 5 removes the
    song "Sugar" from their
    playlist.


    James Bond star Daniel
    Craig says he drinks in
    gay bars to avoid fights in
    straight bars.
    Yeah, em, that's it! Me
    too. Just avoiding fights.


    In Oklahoma two men
    dressed as Batman and
    Captain America tried to
    rob someone at a gas
    station
    They are being charged
    with attempted robbery
    and mixing Marvel with DC.


    "Hello Batman, Jon Kent
    here. Is Robin coming out
    tonight?"
    "No. Although I think
    it might be in the next
    edition now.

  14. #2129
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    I'm just waiting for Ole
    to blame the Utd defeat
    on jet lag after the
    gruelling 100 mile flight to
    Leicester.


    Manchester United defend
    their decision to fly the
    100 - mile journey to their
    premier League game at
    Leicester.
    At least they can defend
    something.


    Manchester United are like
    a bag of Walkers crisps
    Far too much money for
    very little product.


    Did anyone else notice...
    Prince Anderew slithered
    out the back door as his
    family waved the Climate
    change card in front of
    our eyes?


    A new fitness centre
    aimed at the 70 +years
    of age Star Trek fan
    demographic was opened
    in town today
    It’s called 'He's Dead Gym'


    Claiming ISIS and the
    Taliban have been
    defeated.
    Is as believable as a
    Rolling Stones farewell
    tour.


    Disgusting to think how
    that perv Superman has
    been using his x-ray vision
    all these years.


    Superman has been finally
    defeated.
    Someone stuck a dick
    laced with kryptonite
    through a glory hole.


    '... FAMED for their fast
    delivery, I've just ordered
    a tortoise off Amazon to
    be delivered to Thailand,
    where I live.
    I'll let you know when it
    arrives.


    Why do black men believe
    in God?
    He's the only Father they
    ever had.


    I have found a socially
    acceptable way to beat
    women.
    After slapping them, I
    just show a squashed
    mosquito I painted on my
    palm.

  15. #2130
    Join Date
    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
    Bike
    Suzuki 250 1976
    Location
    Lower Hutt
    Posts
    0

    Sick text jokes

    News: William Shatner 90,
    becomes oldest person in
    space.
    Upon return, his nappies
    were filled with Klingons.


    Nish Kumar is trending on
    Twitter because someone
    tweeted : Should whether
    you find Nish Kumar
    funny, be a test to find out
    if people are racist?
    My neighbours, Mr and
    Mrs Rastus O'Bongo, are
    being measured for their
    KKK robes, as I write.


    The Miami Dolphins and
    Jacksonville Jaguars are
    playing American football
    at Tottenham today.
    Finally. Football at that
    stadium that's worth
    watching.


    Elton John's proctologist
    Finally gets a day off as
    his under used urologist
    proudly announces Elton's
    first number 1 in 16
    years.


    Barack Obama to visit
    Glasgow for COP26...
    That's all we need, another
    out of work black man
    sponging off the state.


    Is coronation street the
    geriatrics of the soaps?
    They've got Ken Barlow
    ( William Roache ) 89
    Rita Turner ( Barbara
    Knox ) 87
    Audrey Roberts ( Sue
    Nicolas ) 77
    Gail Platt ( Helen Worth )
    70.
    What do these people
    want, to act until the day
    they die? Surely they must
    have plenty of money now
    to be able to retire?
    Don't they realise that
    there are no pockets in a
    shroud, so they won't be
    able to take the money
    with them.


    People keep saying that I
    should ditch my mate Jim,
    as he's a hard core junkie
    whose head's constantly
    in the clouds. But I keep
    ignoring their comments,
    and besides...
    I like to have friend's in
    high places.


    My large daughter and her
    black boyfriend showed
    abilities I never knew they
    had this one time they
    went on this daytime talk
    show.
    I had never seen my
    daughter sprint out of the
    room so fast in tears, and
    that jigaboo break-dance
    with a backflip after he
    got told "You are not the
    father."


    Personally, I don't believe
    in bros before hoes, or
    hoes before bros.


    There needs to be
    balance. A homie-hoe-stasis
    if you will.


    My wife sent me to buy
    some cucumbers.
    As I approached the till,
    I thought, I'd better buy
    some vaseline as well."
    I don't want anyone to
    think I'm a fucking vegan.


    Dick Wolf
    That's a dangerous
    pastime.


    How do you reason with
    an anti-vaxxer?
    You don't. He's already
    formed his opinion from
    reputable sources.


    The potato is like the slut
    of all vegetables.
    They pretty much go with
    anything.


    I remember when in the
    good old days the hardest
    thing about having a baby
    was choosing a name.
    Nowadays, it's choosing a
    gender.

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