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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1711
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    If someone
    emails you
    claiming to be
    Terry Jones....it's
    just SPAM.


    Apparently the
    coronavirus is
    associated with
    snakes.No
    coincidence then
    that,the day it
    arrives in Britain,
    one of their famous
    pythons drops
    dead.


    It's....!...Monty
    Pythons Dying
    Cirus!


    Irish band The
    Corona's are
    having a shit
    time trying to
    tour Asia.

  2. #1712
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Charles: "There's
    no i in team,son.
    You need to stay
    with the family
    firm."
    Harry: "That's the
    problem,papa
    I've been warned
    there'll be no
    Me in Meghan,unless
    we move to
    canada.:


    Watching Manchester
    united used to be
    akin to having
    sex with a beautiful
    woman,thrilling,
    passionate and
    usually an exciting
    climax.
    Nowadays it's like
    fucking a blowup doll
    with a puncture you
    hope it doesn't
    go sown before
    you've finished.


    Arsenal have got
    more fucking
    draws than
    IKEA.

    Knock knock
    "Who's there?"
    "Never mind that
    now! stop the
    funeral.I think
    Grandad's still
    alive!"

  3. #1713
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    It's ironic that a
    south korean
    movie called
    parasite has won
    The Oscars best
    picture...when
    the Asians are
    spreading disease
    around the
    planet.


    As I heard the
    roar of the
    engine and the
    smell of Diesel in
    the air,noticing
    the musicians in
    their coats of
    many colours,the
    gay dancers
    dressed as
    gophers and the
    singer practising
    "I'm coming out"
    by Diana Ross,I
    just knew it. The
    Phillip Schofield
    Band Wagon was
    about the leave.
    Destination.

  4. #1714
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I needed a new
    suit so I called in
    at my local men's
    clothing store
    where unusually
    a young woman
    took my order,
    helping me
    choose a pattern,
    measuring my
    inside leg
    discreetly,and
    processing my
    card.I asked her
    how long it would
    take and she said
    no time at all.
    Afterwards I
    went to the bank
    and,realising I'd
    left my card in
    the clothing
    store,I went
    back to collect it.
    I thought you'd
    be back,she said,
    here is your card,
    and here is your
    suit.I was
    astounded.I
    didn't know you
    did your work
    in-house.Then
    suddenly realising
    how stunnigly
    beautiful she was
    and fancying my
    chances,I asked
    what was her
    name.She
    replied,"Taylor
    Swift."


    ...How does
    Meghan Markle
    warm up for a
    speech?
    ME-ME-ME-ME-ME!


    I see Phillip
    Schofield's advert
    is back on T.V
    The one where
    he demostrates
    his ball skills...
    ...Oh,the irony!


    My chinese
    girlfriend insists
    on using more
    and more
    vaseline during
    anal.It's a
    slippery slope.


    Paddy,doing a
    crossword:
    "What's the
    plural of
    spouse?" Murphy:
    "Spice."



    ...If you get a link
    called 'free porn'
    don't opin it.
    It is a virus wich
    deactivates your
    spelcheck and fcuks
    up you riting.I also
    receibed it but lukily
    I don't uatch porn so
    I dint opin it plaese
    warm yu frends.
    Wanks.


    Ozzie parkinson's
    is a bummer for
    him,but Sharon
    says at least his
    foreplay
    improved.


    So,in the news
    OAP.80,boasts
    sex with her
    Egyptian toyboy
    left her feeling
    like she'd been
    riding a horse.
    Well,she's
    certainly not in denile.


    To the guy who
    invented Zero:
    Thanks for
    nothing!

  5. #1715
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I took an escort
    out for a drink
    the other night.
    It broke down
    three times on
    the way to the
    first pub.


    If you are into
    cycling then you
    are a cyclist,what
    makes you an
    analyst then?


    Hearing voices in
    your head isn't
    confined to
    schizophrenics.
    For example! This
    bloke stopped me
    in the street and
    said,"Hey,aren't
    you the guy who
    I nearly caught
    climbing out of
    my wife's
    bedroom window
    last week?" And
    the voice in my
    head said,"RUN
    LIKE FUCK! HE'S
    HUGE!"


    Did you hear about
    the cannibal who
    ate an epelptic?
    He ended up sitting
    on the bog with
    the fits.


    I remember
    when in the good
    old days the
    hardest thing
    about having a
    baby was
    choosing a name.
    Nowadays,it's
    choosing a
    gender.


    Apparently a
    nuclear war
    between India
    and Pakistan
    could kil 125
    million.Talk
    about your classic
    win win.


    Failed my work's
    Drug test.Didn't
    want to be a
    pharmacist
    anyway.


    Sex with the wife
    has become so
    rough and
    miserable that
    I've actually
    started having to
    fake my orgasms.
    Fortunately,she's
    become so fat
    that she can't
    even look down
    and see me
    squirting out
    these little
    mayonnaise
    satchets.


    W.A.G.S Wealthy
    Annoying
    Golddiggers
    Squabbling.


    Man touching a
    woman sexually
    inappropriately at
    work! Report,
    claim,court case,
    sacking.Woman
    touching a man
    sexually
    inappropriately at
    work! "Fucking
    yes!"

  6. #1716
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Elton John broke
    his E-Reader
    during storm
    Dennis.He's
    bringing out a
    tribute record.
    Kindle In The
    Wind.



    Elton John has
    been accused of
    racism after he
    called for an
    chinese living in
    the uk to be sent
    home.He's in
    Goodbye Yellow
    Prick Mode.



    Elton John has lost
    all his holiday
    footwear due to
    the recent storm
    so he's written a
    new song about it
    Sandal In The Wind.



    I hear Kevin
    Costner has been
    to south
    wales,with a
    view to a
    waterworld
    sequel.





    Susan Boyle
    reveals doctor
    rubbed her the
    right way in
    graphic sex life
    confession on
    Loose Woman' I'd
    hate to see
    what would
    happen if he
    rubbed her the
    wrong way.


    I bought a tiny
    lizard off the
    internet today.
    It's my newt.


    "Nothing rhymes
    with orange." No
    it fucking doesn't.


    What do people
    that use U instead
    of you and M8
    instead of mate
    do with with all
    that precious
    time they've
    saved?


    I'm so into
    recycling,climate
    change activism
    and green
    intiatives that I...
    washout my
    condoms to reuse
    and pick up dog
    shit with my bare
    hands.I'm that
    dedicated...I
    don't even have a
    dog.

  7. #1717
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I won a ticket to
    a celebrity
    livestock auction
    not long ago,
    anyway I bought
    a lovely little
    lamb as a pet for
    my daughter.As
    I was looking
    around with it
    under my arm I
    couldn't believe I
    saw Boris
    Johnson talking
    to Joaquin
    Phoenix,turned
    out to be quite
    sociable chaps so
    I pushed my luck
    and asked for a
    picture to which
    they agreed.I
    couldn't believe
    it,there I was
    clown to the left
    of me,joker to
    the right,there I
    was stuck in the
    middle with ewe.


    Roses are red so
    is my knob
    Because I didn't
    know That you
    were on the blob.


    Ancient philosopher
    asked themselves, "For
    what was man
    born to do?"
    Modern man can
    now soundly
    answer "Wait for
    women getting
    ready,apparently.


    When you watch
    a music video on
    You Tube and it
    says: Do you want
    to purchase this
    from i tunes? It's
    the reverse of
    marital sex.
    You're doing it
    and thinking a
    prostitute would
    work out
    cheaper.


    My first night as
    a prosititute
    didn't turn out
    great.After
    taking our clothes
    off I said,"I
    should tell you,
    it's $100." She
    laughed.
    "That's quite small."
    I said,"I could
    make it bigger if
    you want?" "A
    surgery to could
    help."
    she replied.

  8. #1718
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "Rapper Dave
    calls Boris Johnson
    racist in Brit
    Awards performance"
    If he's so piqued
    about Johnson,why
    does he perform
    in blaceface?


    So at the Brits,
    Rapper Dave makes
    a rap about racism...
    Then pays a
    tribute to his
    nigga friends in
    prison...Oh the
    irony.


    Queen BANS
    Prince Harry and
    Meghan Markle
    from using
    lucrative 'Sussex
    Royal' brand.
    Andrew is also
    banned from
    using lucrative on
    his Kidssex
    brand.


    I don't
    understand jeans
    with torn knees
    and holes all over
    them.I've
    already been
    poor once,I don't
    need to keep
    pretending.

  9. #1719
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    This year will be the
    chinese year of the rat.
    Ironic as they're also
    currently apreading a
    plaque.


    The misses hates
    it when I wake
    up in the morning
    with wood.So
    she waits until I
    go out and plays
    with her favourite
    toy Buzz.
    We need to seriously
    have a word about
    playing dirty games
    with our sons
    Toy Story dolls.


    I like my women
    how I like my
    bacon.Hot,with
    the fat cut off
    and wrapped
    around my
    sausage.


    To all those women
    who complain about
    there being no decent
    men around! Have
    you ever considered
    that they may be too
    smart to invest all
    their emotions into
    someone who
    watches Love Island?


    Why don't Muslims
    drink single malt
    whiskey? They can't
    stand anything that's
    matured over 10
    years.


    Gave you noticed that
    there are three
    football teams with
    swear words in their
    names Arsenal,
    Scunthorpe and
    Fucking Man United.

  10. #1720
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    When my boss
    asked me who is
    the stupid one,me
    or him? I told
    him everyone
    knows he doesn't
    hie stupid
    people.


    I threw a
    boomerang once
    and now I live
    constant fear.


    It breaks my
    heart that pirates
    spend their whole
    lives followiong a
    map,when the
    real treasure is
    the friendships
    they build along
    the way.



    Boris Johnson saw a
    little old lady
    struggling with
    two shopping bags,
    "You shouldn't be
    struggling with
    those two bags,"
    he said,"let me
    help." So he
    halved her pension
    so she could only
    afford one in
    future.


    The french once
    tried to make time
    metric and even
    invented a metric
    clock.But to this
    day,time remains
    thankfully proudly
    British.It's
    greenwich
    meantime G.M.T
    not paris
    meantime P.M.T


    What do Disney
    World and viagra
    have in common?
    They both make
    you wait an hour
    for just a two
    minute ride.

  11. #1721
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    So,Steven Spielberg's
    daughter becoming a
    porn star? I guess
    she's currently
    working for an
    independent studio
    called Indie Anal.

    At the Docrors:
    "Do you drink?"
    "Not much,anymore.
    I have a couple
    watching a match."
    "How many matches
    would you watch
    in a week?
    "About 42."


    Women are like
    hairdryers.They
    blow hot and cold.
    And men don't
    generally need
    them.


    Quiz question in
    music at school,
    teacher,"What
    was Elvis Presley's
    last number one?"
    Little Johnny puts
    his hand up,
    "Please Miss it was
    that fucker that
    killed him."


    My Dad never
    gave anyone any
    shit.Lovely bloke
    rubbish manure
    saleman.


    The police rang me
    today to say
    they've recovered
    my stolen sofa.
    Which I thought
    was nice of them.
    It was starting to
    look a bit scruffy.


    I don't know why
    there's so much
    excitement about
    the possibility of
    transgender
    superheros.We
    already have a
    Marvel franchise
    called X-Men.


    What do you call a
    night time cleaner
    with two birds of
    prey on his
    shoulders? Hawk
    Kestrel man
    hoovers in the
    dark.


    My son looked up
    from the menu and
    said,"What is beef
    dripping?" I said
    "That son,is when
    you have got a fat
    cow,really
    horny?"


    The ultimate limit
    of human endurance
    has been worked out
    by scientists.Turns
    out it's sitting
    through the box
    set of Mrs Brown's
    Boys.


    I asked in the
    bookshop if they
    had the new one
    about sexual
    innuendo.She said
    "I can get it in for
    you."


    When our family
    was on hard times
    and I went to
    apply for benefits,
    my wife insisted
    I'd do better if I
    dressed properly
    for the interview.
    And sure enough
    she was right.I
    nailed it and got
    approved with that
    turban!

  12. #1722
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Anticipating the bandwagon on
    Speilberg's daughter being a porn
    star,I thought I'd fuck it up
    before it started.. ..Jaws "You
    may need a bigger man in a boat"
    Herassic park.Super 8 inches.
    French letters from Iwo Jima.
    E.T eating testicle.Flag poles of our
    fathers.Ttansformers.Chicks with dicks.
    Who got Rogered with a rabbit?
    Back to the fucking 1,2 and 3.
    The color purple...the director's
    cut bellend.
    Twighlight zone..anal special.
    Empire of the cum.
    Tintin..Yorkshire micro
    penises.Duel..cock fighting AI..anal insertion.
    Close encounters of the turd kind..Scat.
    Raiders of the moist arse.
    Ready layer one.
    Shaving private Ryan.
    The BFG big fucking gash.


    One of the seven dwarfs has been
    quarantined.
    Uh oh! I'll bet he's not
    Happy!


    My blonde girlfriend thinks Thai
    tea is a martial art.



    Doctor Doolittle,he talks to the
    animals.We can all talk to fucking
    animals mate,it's getting them to
    talk back that's the hard part.

  13. #1723
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The alphabet of
    cunts on the road.
    Arsehole in an
    Audi Bastard in a
    Beamer,Cunt with
    a carvan,Dick in
    a Disco Ego in an
    Evoke,Fuckwit in
    a Prontrea,Git in a
    Golf,Huge Homo
    in a Hilux,Isis
    members in an
    Isuzu,Jerk in a
    Juke,Knob in a ka
    Lettuce licker in
    a leaf,Mong in a
    Merc,Nut butter
    sniffer in a Nissan
    navara,Over here
    illegally in an
    Opel,Prick in a
    Prius/Porsche
    Queer in a
    gashqai,Ringpeice
    in a Rolls,Shithead
    in a Smart car,
    Taliban in a
    Toyota usually
    broken down,Uno
    Vermin in a Valo,
    Wanker in a
    white van,
    X-human in an x
    trail,You old
    blind cunt! in a
    Yaris,Zillions of
    kids in a Zafira.



    Last night in bed
    with the wife I'm
    sorry to say I just
    couldn't get it up,
    she saw I was
    depressed about
    it and said,"Don't
    beat yourself up,it
    happens to all
    men." I said,"I
    know,that's why
    I've trusted you
    all these years."


    You know what
    I've come to
    reallise? If I spent
    the same amount
    of time and
    energy on finding
    my perfect
    girlfiend as I do
    searching for the
    best porn video
    to masturbate to,
    I would have a
    well better life
    right now.

  14. #1724
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    My wife complained
    that it's been
    4 years since I
    last acknowledged
    her Birthday or
    even bothered
    to buy her a
    present."Tough
    luck," I said to
    the fat miserable
    bitch,who had
    the horrible luck
    of being born on
    February 29th.


    "Prince Harry
    shares amusing
    exchanges with
    Jon Bon Jovi" I
    can't say I'm
    surprised.
    They're both
    Livin On A Prayer.


    Experts now say coronavirus
    is now the quickest viral
    agent from Asia ever-beating
    the previous record holder-Gangnam
    sytle.


    I'm going to sell
    all my John Lennon
    memorabilia on
    Ebay.....imagine
    the paypal.


    Feel bad for Sid Owen getting his
    teeth knocked out by a golf ball.
    His dentist said he had a lot of
    cavities and now he's got a
    hole in one. ( Ba-dum-tsch )


    I can't be bothered
    to rub my magic lamp
    myself.I think
    I'll get a lad in.


    AS a surprise,I
    got the wife a
    stripper for her
    Birthday.She
    should have the
    old lounge
    wallpaper off in
    no time.


    What's the
    female version of
    a "dick?" A
    "flap snap!"


    My next door
    neighbour has
    just bought an
    Audi,a Toyota
    and 2 BMW's.I
    think he's got car
    owner virus.


    "The definition of
    a complete idiot
    is making the
    exact same
    mistake three
    times."
    Unfortunately,
    this was said to
    me by the local
    priest on the
    third accasion he
    married me to a
    fat woman.


    Just arrived
    home early from
    work and saw
    some thieving
    bastard that had
    been trying to
    break into my
    house...he
    managed to
    escape by
    hopping over the
    nieghbour's
    gardens...I'm
    proud of my wife
    though she must
    have put up some
    fight because she's
    half naked,covered
    in sweat and can
    hardly walk.


    I couldn't get in
    to see a doctor,so
    I went to the
    airport,mentioned
    Al Queda,and got a
    free x-ray,breast
    exam and
    colonoscopy.

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