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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1741
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    Smile Sick Texts

    Famous last words:

    "I'd love to be fucked in the bathroom".
    ( Reeva Steenkamp )

    "Nah,let me stick it in there,this aids
    stuff is just nonsense".
    ( Freddie Mercury )

    "Is a tenner for a blowjob alright Mr Sutcliffe?"
    ( Yorkshire prostitute )

    "I'm doing a shit."
    ( Elivs Presley )

    "Forecast is very hot today."
    ( Mayor of Hiroshima, )

    "Fuck it it,it's a nice day,let's take the convertible."
    (J.F Kennedy )

    "I'm from Liverpool mate,do you think a gun scares me?"
    ( John Lennon )

    "Nah,he's a bit of a twat is phillip,but he wouldn't murder us."
    ( Princess Diana )


    "Fuck me,this skiing is a piece of piss."
    (Michael Schumacher or Sonny Bono )

    A late addition "AAAARGH I'VE BEEN SWILLED IN
    THE FACE WITH ACID AND THEN I WAS GLASSED WITH
    THE JAR IT WAS IN"
    ( Nappy Sniffer )

  2. #1742
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    Smile

    Kate Moss meets Matt
    LeBlanc at a party.
    "Hi,I'm Kate Moss and
    I'm a model.What do
    you do?" "Top Gear"
    says LeBlanc,"Great"
    says Moss "I'll have a
    couple of lines
    thanks."



    If women think all
    men are the same,why
    do they take so
    long to choose
    one?



    I was at this girls
    house waiting for her
    to get ready but she
    was constantly fucking
    around with her ipad,
    iphone and ipod.
    "Sorry,I have to set
    all those before I go
    out,I love my
    gadgets."What's your
    favourite Apple
    product?" she asked.
    "Cider," I replied.



    Glasgow which means
    they're incredibly
    hard,but I was never
    smacked as a child,
    well maybe one or
    two grams to get me
    to sleep at night.



    (-!-) a regular arse
    (-!- ) a fat arse
    (!) a tight arse
    (-#-) a sore arse
    (-0-) an arse that's been around
    (-X-) leave my arse alone
    (-x-) kiss my arse
    (-zzz-) a tired arse
    (-E=M2-) a smart arse



    I've nicknamed my
    girlfriend Firefox
    because she's
    so fucking unresponsive
    every time I try and
    turn her on.





    What's the difference
    between a dog and a fox?
    About six beers.

  3. #1743
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    Smile Sick Texts

    Due to the current financial
    situation caused by the coronavirus
    and the slow down of the
    economy,the Goverment has
    decided to implement the following
    schemes to help improve future
    employment and therefore
    stimulate the economy.Workers of
    50 years of age or more will be
    forced into retirement.This
    scheme will be known as RAPE
    ( Rertire Aged Persons Early ). Those
    selected to be RAPED can apply for
    the SHAFT benefits.( Special Help
    After Forced Termination ) Those
    chosen to be RAPED or SHAFTED
    will be reviewed under the SCREW
    programme.( System Covering
    Retired Early Workers ).A person
    can only be RAPED once,SHAFTED
    twice,but can be SCREWED as
    many times as the Goverment
    sees fit.Those that get RAPED can
    get AIDS (Additional Income for
    Dependants & Spouses ) or HERPES
    ( Half Earnings for Retired Early
    Severence ).



    I'm loving this lockdown
    This week I've had no work,a
    steak lunch each day,sex in
    four different rooms and I've
    been pissed every night.
    And to think I could've been stuck
    at home with the wife instead
    of the pub.



    I've just started an online heavy
    metal band.
    We're called System Of The Lockdown.



    Almost 2 weeks in quaratine and
    everything was fine until today.
    The wife decided to start speaking to me
    again.



    To my knowledge
    there has been only
    Eleven times in
    history where the F
    word has been
    consided acceptable
    for use.
    11: What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?

    ( Captin E.J Smith of RMS Titanic )

    10: What the fuck was that?
    ( Mayor of Hiroshima 1945 )

    9: Where did all those fucking Indians come from?

    ( Custer 1877 )

    8: Any fucking idiot could understand that.
    ( Einstein,1938

    7: It does fucking look like her!
    ( Picasso,1926 )

    6: How the fuck did you work that out?
    ( Pythagoras,126 BC )

    5: You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?
    ( Michelangelo,1566 )

    4: Scattered fucking showers,my arse!
    ( Noah,4314 BC )

    3: AW,c'mon.who the fuck is going to find out?
    ( Bill Clinton,1999 )

    2: Geez,I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad.
    ( Saddam Hussein 2003 )

    1: Must get that fucking handrail fixed
    ( Robert Maxwell 1991 )

  4. #1744
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    Smile Sick Texts

    "Please,take a
    seat.Thank you
    for your
    application to
    work within this
    company.Firstly,
    are you
    ambitious,do you
    use initiative,and
    can you work as a
    team member?"
    "Yes,absolutely."
    "Excellent.
    Secondly,can you
    perform under
    pressure?" "Not
    too sure,but I'll
    have a go at
    Bohemian Rhapsody
    if you like."



    Paddy and Murphy
    are catching up
    over a few whiskeys,
    Paddy says,"Me
    youngest is
    waiting for his
    exams to come
    back,if he's
    passed he's to go
    to university in
    Dublin to learn
    how to become a
    cartographer."
    Murphy remarks
    "He won't make
    much of a living
    Paddy,no-one
    around dese parts
    drives dem
    anymore."



    I was in the toilet
    having a piss and
    all of a sudden
    my cock grew to
    12 inches.I
    thought,"Fuck
    me,that jammy
    bitch of a wife of
    mine has found a
    magic lamp.



    I handed my wife
    a brand new pair
    of black stockings.
    She winked and said,
    "Shall I go up
    stairs?" I said,
    "No get your coat on
    We're off to rob a
    petrol station."



    As I stared out of
    the window this
    morning I said to
    the wife:"Oh my
    Goodness,look at it
    it's so grey and
    miserable." "Stop
    being a cunt" she
    replied,"just go
    and let my
    mother in."



    If we're having
    sex....Don't tell
    me,"deeper" If I
    could go deeper I
    would! You don't
    hear me saying
    "tighter."



    Of course I
    understand farmers.
    My dad was a
    pharmacist.



    I eat pussy
    like I smoke my
    cigarettes....All
    the way to the
    butt!



    My wife asked
    me what I
    wanted for my
    birthday coming
    up,and I jokingly
    said,"A Lamborghin."
    A few days later I
    came home and
    was greeted by
    the horrible
    odour of pungent
    meat,and my
    wife said,"Sorry
    I looked everywhere
    but couldn't find what
    you wanted,so I
    hope a lamb bhuna
    is ok."

    I was having a
    threesome with a
    Jewish couple
    the other night,
    halfway throuh
    the Jewish bloke
    says..."Ow
    switch."



    Demanding that
    people respect
    your religious
    beliefs is a bit
    like demanding
    that people
    respect your
    crystal meth
    habit.



    I've got a habit
    of quoting Elton
    John lyrics.I
    hope you don't
    mind.I hope you
    don't mind.



    I've just seen a guy
    in a cape and sombrero
    buying a case of Corona
    beer.
    Hispanic buying.

  5. #1745
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    Smile Sick Texts

    I was watching pornhub when
    my wife suddenly flung open
    the front door and came in.
    Quick as a flash before
    she saw,I hit the remote
    and changed the TV to
    Animal Planet.
    Somehow I made it much
    worse for myself when
    she saw me with my trousers
    down and full erection
    to two elephants having
    sex.



    Will Smith
    Will.I.Am and
    Prince William all
    met in the street
    to have a huge
    fight.Not much
    happened though.
    It was more a
    battle of wills.



    I was at the
    doctors today
    when he
    suddenly started
    getting all
    annoyed at his
    computer.
    I said chuckling,"What's
    up doc has it got
    a virus?" He replied,
    "No you have and I
    can't spell."


    This year will be
    the chinese year
    of the rat.Ironic
    as they're also
    spreading the
    plaque.


    I've often
    wondered if porn
    stars look the
    same in real life
    as they do in films.
    I've never come
    across one in real
    life though.



    Mexican standoff
    I thought that was
    the queue for the
    100 at a taco shop.


    It's a little known
    fact that the Last
    Of The Mohicans
    reinvented as a
    scotsman.He
    became known as
    Hawkeye The
    New.



    I sleep better
    naked.I just wish
    the passengers
    on this bus were
    a bit more
    understanding.

  6. #1746
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    Smile Sick Texts

    My wife left me
    for someone that
    is half the man
    that I am.
    I can't believe
    the fat bitch was
    cheating on me
    with a midget
    bloke.



    Just got my
    haircut by a racist
    barber.He owns
    that salon on the
    High street-The
    Krew Kuts Klan.



    I love the way
    my nine year old
    son is preparing
    for adulthood and
    it's pitfalls.He
    spent all his
    pocket money on
    a dolls house and
    gave it to his
    little girlfriend
    next door saying,
    "Here you might
    as well have a
    house now instead
    of taking one off
    me in twenty years. '



    Sex without love is
    an empty experence.
    But as empty experences
    go it's one of the best.



    I've just download the
    whole koran onto a
    USB stick.If any
    Muslims are interested,Ill
    burn them a copy.



    Most gay men will
    attend a pride
    festival at some
    point in their lives.
    These fellas really
    stick up of one
    another.



    The new film 'Cat's
    is remarkably
    true to life: You
    want to throw a
    bucket of water
    on the set of
    cunts.



    Before buying my
    new parrot I
    took advice from
    Quinten Crisp.He
    loves a cockatoo.



    If you're up for a
    shag and your
    woman's got
    diarrhea
    remember what
    Bulleye taught
    us;Aim for the
    pink if you're
    giving her wood
    pierce the brown
    and get covered
    in mud.



    If Ronnie and
    Reggie Kray had
    been born in
    today's time,I
    doubt if they
    would of been so
    feared when
    puffing away on
    their Blueberry
    Muffin flavoured
    vapes?




    If quizzes are
    quizical,then
    what are tests?



    Has anybody else
    tried watching
    the video by
    Pentatonix,"can
    you feel the
    love,without
    staring at her tits
    for 4.32 minutes
    and 52 milliseconds.



    I told the barman
    at my local that
    he could borrow
    my sex doll any
    time he wanted.
    "Eugh! That's
    disgusting!" He
    exclaimed.
    "Yeah," I said,
    "but you were
    pretty quick to
    jump on my
    ex-girlfriend
    weren't you?"

  7. #1747
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    Smile Sick Texts

    Meatloaf's
    surname is Aday.
    Why the fuck is
    he named after
    an American
    diet?


    I asked a local
    Austrailian farmer,
    "Are the sheep
    kindly reared?"
    He replied,"Sure
    I always use plenty
    of lube."



    Last night I took
    our family to this
    haunted house.
    We went in and
    there was this
    creepy organ
    playing and I
    said,"Listen to
    that,that's the
    March Of The
    Dammed!" "No
    it's not" hissed
    my wife,"That's
    the Bridal March!"



    Just seen an
    aerial photo of
    Leeny Henry
    shagging Dawn
    French.I'll never
    eat a hotdog
    again.



    I was helping my
    friend move
    house and I went
    to pick up his
    television.I
    found a note
    taped to the
    surface underneath
    it saying,"Put it
    back nigger."



    I wanted to be a
    lumberjack but I
    couldn't hack it.
    So I worked in a
    orange juice
    factory but I
    couldn't concentrate.
    So I studied to
    become a doctor
    but I didn't have
    the patience.So I
    became a tailor
    but the job never
    suited me.So I
    worked in a shoe
    shop but I
    couldn't fit in.So
    I became a chef
    but I never had
    the thyme but
    wanted to be a
    wanker but
    couldn't pull it
    off.



    I've joined a
    drama group and
    the tutor asked
    could I improvise
    and act out as a
    black youth.I
    said,"Dunno,but
    I'll take a stab a
    it."



    I said to my mate
    "Oh what are
    those things in
    shops that snatch
    the notes out
    your hand called,I
    think they begin with s"
    He said "Self service
    checkout?"
    I said,"Nah that's
    not it but I
    remember now,it's
    stroppy fucking
    Indians."



    According to reports,a
    total of 337 people in
    38 countries have
    been arrested in an
    international operation
    targeting paedophiles on
    one of the worlds
    largest dark web
    child porn networks.
    I thought this site
    had gone a bit
    fucking quiet....



    The brain is an
    organ that is
    capable of a
    billion
    calculations per
    second and
    complex cognitive
    processes
    including self-control,
    planning,reasoning,
    perception,
    decision-making,
    abstract thought
    and other emergent
    qualities...And
    the majority of
    the population
    use it to follow
    religion,watch
    reality TV and be
    offended by everything.
    It's no surprise we
    are destroying
    our climates ability
    to support us.

  8. #1748
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    When I see a baby
    on board sticker,I
    think what's the
    point...Those signs
    don't add to the
    protection or saftey
    of the child on board,
    it's just the smug person
    driving,letting you know
    that he/she has managed
    to complete one of the
    animal kingdoms most
    basic requirements and
    pretty much the reason
    we exist...I just
    think "Wow fucking
    brilliant!
    Some moron has managed
    to pass on it's genes
    and infect the earth
    with it's drooling
    offspring."
    They may as well put
    up a sign in the window
    that says, I can eat,shit
    and shag but I can't
    drive a car so fucking
    watch out.



    If Cher turned Muslim,her
    first release would be,The
    sheep sheep song.



    Bono's wife sticks
    a banana and whipped
    cream up her minge
    during a period.
    He calls it a
    sundae,bloody
    sundae.



    I'm the best Assistant
    DJ in the entire world.
    In fact,I hold the
    record.



    Teacher: "Johnny,can
    you tell me the name
    of 3 great kings
    who have brought
    happiness and peace
    into people's lives?"
    Little Johnny: "Drin-king,
    Smo-king and fuc-king...Miss."



    Baby crying on a plane.Guy
    beside me,"Can there be
    anything more annoying
    than a baby crying on
    a plane?" Me: pulling out a
    kazoo,"Lets find
    out."



    My mate is a DJ in
    the local deaf club.
    They call him,'DJ Techno
    Notice.'



    Don't you love it
    when you curl out
    a massive shit and
    it touches the
    water before it
    breaks off?
    Well I had one
    this morning.
    And now I'm banned
    from the diving
    boards.



    Wanna make a car
    dealer really
    uncomfortable?
    Just say,"Tell me
    if you can hear
    this." Then
    get in the boot
    and start screaming.


    A bloke goes into a
    library and asks the
    library assistant,"Have
    you got a book about
    mirco penises?" She
    replies,"Let me see
    if it's in" He said,"Yes
    that's the one."



    I took my my wife out
    to dinner on our
    anniversary.
    "Order me something
    that reminds you of
    the first time you
    made love to me."
    she cooed.So I
    ordered the fish
    pie.

  9. #1749
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I was thinking of
    having a BBQ earlier so
    I invited all the
    neighbours in my
    street.
    There's a lot of
    ethnic minorities but
    I'm not one to
    discriminate,so I
    delegated a few jobs
    to help them get
    talking.I asked the
    gay couple to just
    bring some meat.
    For the voyeurist next
    door I just drilled a
    few holes in the fence.
    I gave the Muslims
    some ballons to blow
    up.I let the
    schizophrenic get the
    gas BBQ going.The
    self harmer from
    number 12 sorted out
    the cutlery.
    Obvisously the black
    family just helped
    themselves.
    There were a couple
    of dyslexics there
    so I gave them B+Q
    saws instead of BBQ
    sauce.Some old guy
    I'd never met before
    turned up and kindly
    offered to look after
    all the kids.
    Had a crack head washing
    up.And a guy with OCD
    tided the whole house
    when it was finished.



    On our first anniversary my
    wife cuddled up to me after
    a night of intimacy and
    said,"Tell me honestly,how
    many women have you been to
    bed with in your time?"
    I thought that she deserved
    honesty after a year of marriage.
    So I replied."Well,there was
    Sharon,and Betty,and Jane,and
    Tresa,oh,and Felcity...and
    then of course there was you."
    "Ah", she sighed.
    That's not too bad." "And
    then there was Tracey and
    Amanda,and Evelyn and...



    I walked up to a girl
    in a bar and said,"you
    look like somebody who
    has a boring sex life.
    My mission tonight is
    to get you drunk,take
    you back to my house
    and give you the best
    shag ever."
    She said,"My boyfriend
    is right behind you."
    "Good I'm glad I've
    got his support."



    I didn't realise
    removing my doorbell
    would have such a
    knock on effect.


    Life without women
    would be a pain
    in the arse.

  10. #1750
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I just bought one of
    those low energy light
    fittings from Bunnings.
    The assistant asked,"Will
    you be putting this up
    yourself?"
    I said,"No it's gonig
    in the lounge."



    Why don't gays
    work in construction?
    Because everytime
    they build a manhole,they
    fight over who gets to
    enter it first.



    Employee: "Boss we need
    to stop testing our
    products on animals."
    Boss: "Why...hand
    lotion manufactures
    do it all the time?"
    Employee: "Yes they
    do boss,but we
    make dildos."



    We had a test at medical
    school,on premature
    ejaculation.
    I came first.



    I'm doing well in
    the final of the
    sexual Innuendo
    championships...I
    just need to ram
    home my stiff
    advantage,then I
    should come
    first...!



    My wife said I
    needed to get
    more in touch
    with my feminine
    side...so I
    crashed the car,
    burnt the dinner
    and completely
    ignored her all
    night for no
    fucking reason...



    Two blokes chatting in
    hospital first bloke
    says,"I'm in for an
    endoscopy,they are
    going to see what's
    going on down my throat,
    what are you in for?"
    Second bloke says,"oh
    camera up the arse."
    The other bloke says,
    "Colonoscopy it's
    called." The other
    bloke replies,"Nah
    mate camera up the
    arse,the wife
    caught me taking pictures
    of the neighbours tits."




    Seeing a lot of stuff
    about how impossible it
    would have been for
    Jesus to find twelve
    blokes with English
    names in the middle
    East.Piece of piss,just
    try finding twelve blokes
    with English names in
    Bradford.



    What did Russel Crowe
    do when a cannibal ate
    his ex-wife?
    Nothing he was
    gladiator.



    My wife said I
    need a break,"Do
    you fancy wales
    for a week?" I said
    "No thanks,but I
    wouldn't mind a
    couple of slim
    busty lesbians."



    I was watching some
    scottish porn earlier
    and it was pretty good.
    They had to give up
    on the anal scene in
    the end as the guy
    couldn't get it up
    as her arse was really
    tight.And there was me
    thinking that was just
    racial sterotyping.




    In history I was
    learning about
    Galileo.I already
    knew that he was
    a poor boy,from a
    poor family.



    Apparently the
    small bumps
    around a woman's
    nipples are braille
    for the blind.
    When read it
    says,"suck here.



    My mate just phoned
    me in tears.
    His wife just left
    him taking his
    Bob Marley cd's
    and the satelite
    dish.Poor bastard.
    No woman no sky.

  11. #1751
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I was walking
    through a field in
    Vietnam with my
    mate when,I
    spotted a silver
    disc on the ground.
    As I bent down
    to pick it up,my
    mate stopped and
    shouted,"Stop!
    That's a mine!"
    I said,"Bullshit.
    Finders keepers!
    Anyway why are
    you suddenly talking
    like an Italian?"



    Just watched a terrific
    documentary on acid.
    I'm gonna watch them
    all that way from
    now on.



    I went to a porn
    stars reunion today.
    It was nice to come
    across an old
    face again.


    My wife looked out
    of the window
    and said,"It's
    not going to stop
    is it?"
    "Of course it
    fucking isn't,"
    I shouted,"You
    didn't put the
    handbrake on!"



    Josh,my landscaper
    wanted to know
    what a dominatrix
    was because he
    was curious about
    them.I explained
    the scenario and
    told him the most
    important thing
    was to choose a
    'safe' word if
    things got a little
    rough.He thanked
    me for the info,cut
    my lawn and left.
    He didn't show up
    for three weeks
    after that and I
    heard that he was
    in the hospital.
    I went to see him.
    He had been beaten
    all to hell.
    So I asked him
    what had happened.
    He told me it was
    all good until he
    needed to use his
    safe word.It was
    then that he
    realized that the
    word 'mower'
    was not a good
    choice.



    I think I know
    why I keep
    getting called a
    panda.
    I've just heard my
    girlfriend discussing
    me with her mother,she
    said,"All he ever does
    is eats,roots and
    leaves.



    Breaking News: Man
    dies after overdosing
    on viagra.
    His wife took it very
    hard.



    Stevie Wonder-7 kids
    David Blunkett-5 kids
    Ray Charles-12 kids
    I think it's
    safe to say it's not
    wanking that makes
    you blind.



    My grandfather
    went to the doctor
    with fluid on the
    knee.
    The doctor told
    him that he wasn't
    aiming straight.



    I have just given
    my girlfriend a
    dozen roses.She
    can get fucked
    if she thinks she
    can have anything
    else out of the
    tin.



    "Booking fee"
    Paying for the
    privilege of paying
    for something.


    I've been having a
    lot of gay sex this
    last month.I've
    been doing it in
    Earnest.



    I shouted to my
    wife,"I'm just
    popping down the
    paki shop for a
    bag of crisps."
    "You can't say
    that anymore!"
    She shouted back.
    "It's not politically
    correct."
    "Ok then,A Bag of
    high-fat
    nutritionally
    unsuitable potato
    slices."



    I must be really
    good at sex.
    My wife moans
    when we do it.



    A range of
    alcholic drinks is
    being produced
    named after
    famous authors...
    Dickens cider is
    proving popular.



    The new cleaning
    lady at work
    fancies me big
    time.
    I make her
    that wet she
    carries a mop
    around with her.


    What do you call a
    Millennial Irishman?
    I Findthis-o-Fensive.

  12. #1752
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Boy in the bath with
    his mum,boy says,"What's
    that hairy thing mum?"
    Mum replies,"That's
    my sponge."
    "Oh yes" says the
    boy,"The babysitters
    got one,I've seen her
    washing dads face
    with it."



    I've just invented
    the anti-gravity
    toilet.
    Lets have a
    piss up!



    My girlfriend
    promised me
    fantastic sex in
    return for a
    whole new
    wardrobe.Well,
    the wardrobe
    arrived today,but
    new dresses cost
    a blowjob each.



    We're often told
    if we have friends
    on drugs,help
    them.
    I do what I
    can by giving
    them mates
    rates.



    My mate is the
    biggest Beatles fan
    in the world.He's
    got every single
    they made except
    one.
    I think he needs
    help.



    Three women
    were talking about
    anal sex,a
    newlywed,a
    woman in her
    thrities and a
    rough old forty
    something year
    old.
    "I would never
    let him do that to
    me,besides,he
    respects me to
    much to ask."
    said the
    newlywed."I was
    reluctant at first,"
    said the thirty
    year old."but I
    realised that I
    always got nice
    presents like
    jewellery and
    designer clothes
    when I let him do
    that occasionally."
    Then the rough
    old bird spoke up,
    "I let him do my
    shitter as often as
    he likes." she
    said."it's the only
    chance I get to
    shit on the fucking
    prick."



    All boxers are
    women.They
    wear high-waisted
    shorts,fight with
    gloves on to stop
    them scratching
    each other and
    their prizes are a
    belt and purse.



    I received a letter
    through my door
    earlier which read
    in big letters,"DO
    NOT BEND." How
    the fuck am I
    supposed to pick it
    up?



    I can't understand
    why people say
    they could shit
    through the eye of
    a needle.When I
    have diarrhea.I
    lack that kind of
    accuracy.



    Marriage because
    your shitty day
    doesn't have to
    end,when work
    ends.



    "Genes could
    cause birth control
    to fail" Not if you
    keep them on and
    zipped up.



    I get knocked
    down but I get up
    again,ain't nothing
    gonna keep me
    down,I get
    knocked down.
    The joys of
    erectile dysfuntion
    and viagra.



    I just found a load
    of chocolates at
    the side of the
    road.
    I knew this was a
    quality street!



    The wife was
    moaning that the
    neighbours cat
    had shat in our
    garden,so she
    told me to get
    a shovel and
    throw it over the
    fence,which I duly
    did.Now the
    neighbours have
    our shovel,and we
    still have cat shit in
    our garden.



    Argentina is
    surprisingly cold.
    In fact it's
    bordering on
    Chile.



    What do Nike and
    the KKK have in
    common?
    They both make black
    guys run faster.



    Women get annoyed,and
    say men are only
    interested in one thing.
    And even more annoyed
    when that one thing
    isn't them
    personally.



    I love getting
    compliments at
    work. For
    example today I
    had a supplier call
    me and tell me
    my "payment was
    outstanding." I
    felt great. ( And to
    be honest,I don't
    even remember
    paying them. )



    I'm taking my
    wife Margaret to
    the auction of Rod
    Stewart's possessions.
    I'm not going to bid
    on anything but
    Maggie May.

  13. #1753
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I got soft closing
    doors installed
    throughout the
    house so we
    don't wake the
    kids at night but
    now I have no
    way of telling
    when the wife is
    in a bad mood.



    I asked my gym
    instructor what
    else he did for a
    living.
    "Skip hire."
    he replied.
    "Great I said,"I
    know who to
    come to when I
    need a skip."
    "No" he replied
    "I meant skip
    higher,you fat
    bastard."



    China,xi jinping
    and the
    communist party
    declare islam a
    contagious
    desease,a million
    muslims arrested
    and foreced into
    re-education.Now
    that's what I call a
    chinese takeaway.



    Does anybody
    know where
    Bruce Springsteen
    was born?



    Me and my wife
    were driving back
    from Wellington the
    other day.
    We saw a fit blonde
    jogging by."That's
    what I should be
    doing," I said.
    "What,jogging?"
    she replied.
    "No,her."



    My wife complained."They
    have this new male host
    on the jewellery shopping
    channel I always watch.
    He knows absolutely
    fuck all!"
    "Now you know how I felt
    when they started hiring
    women to talk about the
    football."



    I'm not saying
    Mick Jaggers
    getting on a bit,but
    he's bringing out
    a new single called
    Hey,You Get Off Of
    My Lawn.



    Sat here doing 0 miles
    an hour on the motorway...
    Why the fuck do
    they call it
    rush hour?



    My alarm goes off
    at 6 o'clock every
    morning to
    "What's The story?
    ( Morning Glory )"
    by oasis.I
    put it on snooze
    because I need a
    little time to
    wake up.



    I saw two women
    throwing some
    shapes to my rave
    music outside my
    house today,so I
    decided to go out
    and join them.
    "Yes,Yes.ladies,"
    I said shuffling
    my feet and
    waving my hands
    in the air.
    "You like a bit of
    techno?""
    They both stopped and
    stared at me like I
    was some looney...
    Turns out they were
    both deaf.



    I asked my barber
    the best thing for
    baldness."Fanny
    juice!" he said.
    "Bullocks" I
    replied,"You're
    balder than me!"
    "Yes but what a
    magnificent moustache!"
    he guipped.

  14. #1754
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I KNOW yesterday was
    a LOVELY DAY for
    SOUL food in a
    restaurant with
    the wife,but the place
    was DEAD.
    The waiter wanted
    contactless payment,but
    I forgot my credit card.
    She paid the
    BILL WITH HERS.



    This lady said to me
    that Bill Withers had
    died and I replied,
    'I know,I know.I know,
    I know,I know.I know,I know,
    I know,I know..."
    She huffed,"That's massively
    insenstive at a time like this!"
    "Sorry,I s-s-stutter."



    Bill Withered.



    I'm sure Bill Withers
    family aren't having a
    "Lovely Day."



    Goodies,goody goody
    Gone gone.




    "Heathrow please"
    I told the cabbie.
    "Terminal?" he asked.
    I thought,"You cheeky cunt,
    I've got my mask and
    sanitiser."




    All my neighbours were out
    in the street clapping
    last night.
    Idiots,I'm pleased I
    stuck with the old
    fashioned method of
    turning my porch light
    on,with a switch.



    Distancing ( verb )
    What politicians do
    when they regret the
    stupid things they
    said about the virus
    a month ago.



    Even though I walk through
    the valley of the shadow
    of death,I will fear no
    evil,for you are with me;
    Your measuring rod 2m
    and thy masked staff
    they comfort me.
    ( The Shopping Prayer )



    Wet wet wet singer
    Marti Pellow diagnosed
    with arthritis.
    He told reporters,
    "I feel it my fingers,
    I feel it in my toes."



    I haven't been to work
    or seen my children in
    3 weeks.
    Is this what it feels
    like to be a black
    man?



    For those married
    people having affairs
    before COVID-19.
    I bet you never planned
    on being fucked like
    this.



    I've just seen a guy
    in a cape and sombrero
    buying a case of Corona beer.
    Hispanic buying.

  15. #1755
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I started a business
    selling Japanese
    bonsai trees it's
    been so successful
    I've had to move
    to smaller
    premises.



    Never judge a book
    by it's cover.
    Total bullocks,if
    that was the case
    there would never
    be another porn
    magazine sold
    again.



    Garden spades.
    The kind of order
    you could give in
    the good old days,
    before all this PC
    nonsense.



    I got in the car this
    morning and I was
    stunned to see it
    was minus three
    degrees.
    Some cunt had nicked
    my cd collection.



    Helicopter rotor
    blades are used to
    keep the people
    on board cool.
    If you don't believe
    me,watch how
    the fuckers start
    sweating when
    they stop working.



    What's the difference
    between a feminist,and
    a Islamic suicide
    bomber?
    The bomber at least
    achieved something
    when triggered.



    I was surprised
    how few people
    were crowd surfing
    at the Beach Boys
    concert.



    My wife didn't
    speak to me for 3
    days last week and
    I haven't got a
    clue what I did to
    cause it.
    Which is a shame
    because I'd like
    to do it again next
    week.



    My auto correct
    changes duck to
    fuck,coot to cunt,
    tits to shits,and
    golden shower,it
    doesn't seem to
    mind sex and
    swearing but just
    won't tolerate fowl
    language.



    You know you're
    an ugly fucker
    when your total
    speed dating
    session lasts
    three minutes.



    Sometimes when
    surfing porn,I like
    to look at some
    really weird stuff,just
    so I know what else
    is out there.
    Did you know,for
    example,there are
    videos out there of
    just a guy and a
    girl having viginal
    sex?

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