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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1561
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The world record for a 30
    second advertisment will be
    set during superbowl 2019.A
    cool 5 million! By the Duke
    of Edinburgh appealing for
    someone to insure him to
    drive.

    I once stayed at a gay hotel in
    the lake district that was
    supposed to be haunted.I
    didn't actually see a ghost but
    the landlord and his partner did
    put the willies up me.

    Love watching kickboxer.
    Nothing says Thailand like a
    Belgian playing an American
    doing a chinese marial art in
    front of a cambadian temple.

    Why don't cats shave?
    Because 8 out of 10 cat
    owners said their cats
    prefer Whiskas.

    "Where the fuck have you
    been?" shouted my wife."It's
    been three days!" "It's your
    fault," I replied."When I went
    out you told me not to come
    home drunk again."

    My beautiful daughter picked
    her way slowly down the stairs
    looking resplendent in her
    shimmering silk wedding dress.
    A ribbon bedecked Rolls-Royce
    idled outside.As the
    bride-to be entered the lounge
    my wife piped up,"Give us a
    twirl,give us a twirl!" I thought
    "Typical,our first born is getting
    married in half an hour and all
    she can think about is stuffing
    her fat fucking face with
    chocolate flake bars!"

    I got booted off my market stall
    yesterday for fuck all...This wee
    chinese man walked by,so I
    stopped him and said,"Do you want
    to buy a baseball cap?"...He replied
    "No," so I kept persevering and he
    lost the rag..."I keep telling you
    no,no,no so why you keep
    wanting me to buy baseball cap?"...
    ...I replied,"Because it looks as
    though the sun's in your eyes"...

    A child has won an award for 999
    call.My daughter's well pissed off,
    she's made well over a thousand
    and won fuck all.

  2. #1562
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    So Liam Neeson wanted to kill
    an innocent black man on the
    street for no reason
    whatsoever.Since when has any
    black man been innocent?

    I thougt I was watching
    Mississippi Burning earlier
    before I realised its what
    Liam Neeson sent into You've
    Been Framed in 1994.

    When Liam Neeson said what
    he said about walking the
    downtown streets with a
    metal-bar and looking for
    a black man to kill,but
    not being able to find
    one,I couldn't believe
    it....Did he not check
    the public toilets?

    So 40 years ago Liam Neeson
    walked the streets of Dublin
    with a metal-bar looking for
    black men.If we had know
    that we could have encouraged
    Bob Geldolf and Bono to do
    an Al Jolson duet.

    The chinese regret to inform
    Muslims worldwide,that this is
    the year of the pig!

    Pisses me off that some silly
    cunt somewhere makes up shit
    like Januhairy and Movember.
    I remember when we knew the
    months by the four seasons,
    Fucking cold,Getting warmer,
    Rainy months,and soon be
    Fucking cold again.

    I always try to have sex with
    new girlfriends in the toilet
    so if and when we break up I can
    tell everybody that she take it in
    the shitter.

  3. #1563
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    After taking advice from his
    agent,Liam Neeson has
    decided to change his name in
    order to start afresh with his
    movie career.He'll now be
    known as Liam Swatsanigger.

    I n the interest of racial
    harmony,Liam Neeson has
    paid for thousands of Ethnic
    Geometric pictures to be given
    to members of the Black
    community without charge
    Apply online @
    www.freeneesonmandala

    Breaking News:Man dies after
    overdosing on viagra.His wife
    took it very hard.

    Sky News have warned that we
    need to brace ourselves for ten
    centimetres tonight.I don't like
    the way my wife rolled her eyes
    when she heard that.

    Back in my day we
    didn't have as many
    warning labels.
    People weren't so
    fucking stupid.

  4. #1564
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Who runs faster than a black guy
    with a stolen TV? His little brother
    with the remote.

    I was dating a new girl,she was fit,
    fun abd a bit of a cheeky spunky
    sort too.We were saving money
    for a flat,so I said to her,"Why do
    I buy condoms when you never
    make me wear them?" she
    sniggered,"Probably the same
    reason I bring my purse out on a
    date,knowning I'll never spend a
    penny!"

    The chinese coined the phrase "It's
    not you...it's me" while looking at
    their family albums!!

    The wife said,"I'm sick to death of
    you,everything I say goes in one
    ear and straight out the other" I
    said,"You know most of the time if
    I'm lucky it doesn't even go in one
    ear."

    Technology has immesurably
    improved men's sex lives over
    the last 40 years.The pages of
    pornHub don't get stuck
    together.

    My uncle is a Gynaecologist,he
    retired last year but sill does a
    bit of part-time work.He likes
    to keep his hand in.

    Got home from work and saw
    the post-it note on the fridge.
    In bold letters "I've left you" I
    poured myself a celebratory
    whisky kicked off my shoes and
    put on my favourite porn dvd.I
    was mid wank when the door
    opened and there stood the
    wife with her mother.My wife
    ushered her mum shrieking in
    shock out of the room.I got
    dressed sheepishly and noticed
    the yellow bit of paper stuck on
    the sole of the shoe I'd kicked
    off,it read "a lasagna in the
    oven,gone shopping with mum
    back soon xxx"


    When I was a child,if I saw
    someone with something I
    couldn't have,I wanted to ruin
    it for them out of bitter jealous
    petty resentment,but I grew
    out of it....unlike feminists.

    My sister has 2 jobs,doing
    wedding buffets and worling in
    the cervical smear clinic.
    preparing the patients.She
    prides herself for always putting
    on a good spread.

  5. #1565
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Ozzie Osbourne
    the Black Sabbath
    front man has
    been rushed into
    intensive care.
    Raising serious
    concerns about his
    health. .Sharon
    said that doctors
    fear the worst.
    Others think that
    they are just being
    paranoid.

    According to a
    survey,17% of
    men would allow
    their sporting idol
    to have sex with
    their girlfriend or
    wife.So would I,
    but then again my
    sporting idol is
    Maria Sharopova.

    Whenever I eat at
    McDonald's I like
    to have a Happy
    Meal.So I make
    sure I leave the
    wife and kids at
    home where they
    fucking belong.

    Be wary when
    someone offers to
    cook a classical
    recipe curry.This
    morning taking a
    dump my arse was
    in rhythm with the
    William Tell
    overture.

    My girlfriend told
    me she hoped I
    had something
    special planned for
    Valentine's Day.I
    said,"I'm working
    on it." and she
    smiled,which was
    weird as I thought
    she would be
    upset that I'm
    having to work on
    Valentine's Day.

  6. #1566
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    El Chapo the
    notorious drug
    lord,has been
    found guilty of
    trafficking at a
    New York City
    trial and will now
    spend the rest of
    his life in a U.S
    prison.There you
    go Trump,a
    cheaper wall for
    Mexicans.

  7. #1567
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  8. #1568
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    Union bosses are
    blaming Brexit as
    Honda plans to
    shut down its
    Swindon plant in
    2022.Swindon's
    MP Justin
    Tomlinson insisted
    the decision was
    not down to
    Britain's departure
    from the EU and
    Honda are leaving
    by their own
    Accord.

  9. #1569
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The Kursaal flyers..
    ..song....little does
    she know has been
    remixed..The
    Donald Rumsfeld
    mix,Little does
    she know that I
    know that she
    knows that "We
    know,there are
    known knowns:
    there are things
    we know we
    know.We also
    know there are
    known unknowns;
    that is to say we
    know there are
    some things we do
    not know.But
    there are also
    unknown.
    unknowns-the
    ones we don't
    know we don't
    know"

    In the original
    star-trek series
    the cheif engineer
    was called scotty
    and the doctor was
    called bones.In
    the lastest star-trek
    series both the
    cheif engineer and
    doctor are gay.
    Not so much bones
    and scotty more
    like bones up botty.

    Cliff Richard to
    re-record one of
    his old hits to
    appease the
    Muslim
    community."Got
    myself a ugly
    unshaven fifteen
    year old stinking
    jihadi doll."

    Apparently a Harry
    Potter actress has
    turned her hand to
    herb gardening.
    Well I for one will
    be googling images
    of "Emma
    Watson's mint
    bush."

    Animal Cruelty
    1.Cat on a hot tin roof.

    2.Not enough room to swing a cat.

    3.Not a cat in hells chance.

    4.Raining cats and dogs.

    5.Cat gut tennis rackets.

    6.More than one way to skin a cat.

    7.Don't let the cat out of the bag.

    8.Curiosity killed the cat No
    wonder the fuckers need nine lives.

    I took my wife on one of those
    fairground rides where you go
    UP and DOWN,ROUND and
    ROUND,UP and DOWN,
    ROUND and ROUND."There
    you are bitch," I said "That's
    what it feels like having an
    argument with you."

    I signed up for some aerobics
    classes and was told to wear
    loose fitting clothing! If I had
    any loose fitting clothing..I
    wouldn't have signed up in the
    first place!

    "Lets play chinese
    whispers." I said
    quietly to my wife.
    "Gag me then stick
    your cock up my
    arse first," I
    thought she'd
    replied.

    I don't need
    pictures of my
    wife on my phone
    to remind me of
    her.The screen
    has a massive
    crack in it.

    I call my kids
    Lager and
    Guinness.The
    wife's bitter.

  10. #1570
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The offical list of
    emojis for 2019
    has been updated
    to include a drop
    of blood,which is
    meant to
    symbolise
    menstruation,
    Although,if tech
    companies really
    wanted to
    accurately portray
    the suffering
    caused by periods,
    they should use an
    emoji of a
    husband quietly
    masturbating in
    the bathroom.

    BBC NEWS: Russia
    to unplug from the
    internet.In other
    news,75% of the
    world's porn
    has disappeared.

    I'm not saying I
    love Europe But
    my record shop is
    called The Vinyl
    Countdown.

    I asked my
    girlfriend if she
    would jack me off.
    "Ew! Don't put it
    like that," she said,
    "It sounds so
    sordid.Couldn't
    you use a bit of
    French,the
    language of love?"
    "Ok" I replied.
    "Would you
    Jaques me off?"

    The narriage of
    Rupert Murdoch
    and Jerry Hall is
    still going strong.I
    always thought
    Jerry Hall was
    where Nazis held
    their balls.

    I was an olympic
    gold medalist in
    the premature
    ejaculation
    competition.My
    girlfriend was still
    pissed off that I
    didn't come
    second.

    I went to the
    Doctors today and
    found out I am
    'tri-sexual'
    Anything sexual I'll
    fucking try it.

    What's that movie
    with the kids and
    the clown in the
    sewer...I can't
    think of the name
    of it.

    Just been to Pizza
    Hut. Waitress:"What
    would you like
    to drink?" Me:"I'd
    like a coke please."
    Waitress:"Is pepsi
    ok?" Me:"Is Monopoly
    money ok?"

    "ANTIFA"
    Its like saying
    COMMUNIST
    But with a cock in your
    mouth.

  11. #1571
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Apparently,'Dydd
    Gwyl Dewi Hapus'
    means 'Happy St
    David's Day' in
    Wales.Who knew
    the Welsh were
    dyslexic?

    I was taking the
    piss out of a man
    wearing a ridiculas
    wig today... ...he
    had the last laugh
    though.Sentenced
    me to 3 years!

    My uncle once got
    his DeLorean up to
    88mph,and
    ended up 30 years
    in the future.
    That's how long he
    got for hitting that
    bus queue.

    Dear Ryan Adams,
    Thanks for fucking
    up my album sales.
    Yours sincerely,
    Bryan Adams.

    So I managed to
    convince the blond
    chick in a bar I was
    rich last night by
    telling her I had a
    golden retriever.

    BMW death traps:
    More than
    250,000 cars in
    Britian are at risk
    of bursting into
    flames.Luckily,
    the fault only
    appears if the
    indacators are
    used.

    Women love a
    man brimming
    with confidence.
    Because without
    that,what is there
    to destroy?

  12. #1572
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Back when we had
    to rent movies,my
    wife sent me out
    to rent "Sent Of A
    Woman." I
    brought home a
    tape that night,
    and my wife
    looked at it and
    said,"What the
    fuck is this?" "I
    couldn't find it,so
    I rented "A Fish
    Called Wanda."

    Now girl gymnasts
    have to share
    changing rooms
    with boys who
    identify as female.
    In my day,we had
    to drill a hole in
    the wall.

    The wife was away
    this weekend as
    she left she
    shouted "Have
    fun." And you
    know,it started
    the moment the
    fucking door shut
    behind her.

    Tory MP Nick
    Boles has tweeted
    he finds
    'something
    irresistible' about
    Labour MP Jess
    Phillip.A posh
    way of saying,he
    likes plain looking
    women with big
    tits as they might
    be up for a shag.

    The fairy God mother
    says to Cinderella
    "Don't forget cinders if
    you are not home by
    the final stroke of the
    bell at midnight your
    dress will become
    rags and your pussy
    will turn into a
    pumpkin." Cinders is
    dancing at the ball
    and meets a
    handsome young man
    ...she tells him her
    name and asks him
    his.He says "Peter
    Peter pumpkin eater
    what time do you
    have to be home
    pretty lady?" She
    replies "Dunno 3 ish
    maybe 4 oclock in the
    morning."

    I was getting a bit
    frisky with the
    sexy polish girl
    that works in the
    7/11 last night.
    "Giz a kiss
    beauiful," I said
    with a wink."Go
    away creepy
    man," she replied.
    "Don't be like
    that," I said,as I
    reached across the
    counter with
    puckered lips.
    "Come on!" just
    one kiss...." "You
    want I scream?"
    she said backing
    away....I said,"Go
    on then,I'll have a
    cornetto...."

    I asked my mate if he
    could get me a job at
    the tampon factory
    where he works.
    "There's no openings,"
    he replied,"But I'll see
    if I can pull some
    strings."

    After finding 5 Mars
    bars,3 snickers,a
    Flake and a packet of
    H&M'S,I'm starting to
    think I'm not cut out
    to be a Bounty
    hunter.....

    Do strippers in the
    southern hemishere
    spin around pole in
    the opposite direction
    that strippers in the
    Northern hemisphere
    do?

  13. #1573
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "I'm still standing
    better than I ever
    did,Looking like a
    true survivor,
    feeling like a little
    kid." Are we sure
    Elton's not a paedo
    as well as a
    bender?

    Keith Richards was
    sitting in a tree again
    when a pair of
    Magpies shit on
    him.Now for a
    senile old junkie he
    was pretty fucking
    quick off the mark
    was old Keith and
    caught both the
    cunts and wrung
    their necks.So
    there you go,two
    birds killed with
    one stone.

    There is such a
    thing as life after
    death.It's called
    divorce.

    Stevie Wonder-7
    kids,David
    Blunkett-5 kids,
    Ray Charles-12
    kids.I think it's
    safe to say it's not
    wanking that
    makes you go blind.

  14. #1574
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    So blacks are the
    fastest runners
    and whites are the
    best swimmers,the
    polar ice caps
    are melting,Evolution
    at work.


    If anything good
    comes out of
    global warming it
    will be that in a
    few years Dancing
    On Ice won't be on
    the fuckin TV...

    Women are scarily
    perceptive.This
    really hot chick in
    the local coffee
    shop just served
    me a coffee and
    then said,"Do come
    again." How did she
    know.

    I went out with
    this girl I met
    online.I had seen
    where she had
    written that,"The
    sexiest thing is
    when a man starts
    screet-talking me
    in a foreign
    lanuage!" Well I
    went for it.But for
    some reason she
    looked completely
    unimpressed when
    I started
    serenading her in Klingon.

    I was dressed to
    the nines stood in
    the posh west end
    bar when some
    bird wearing a fur
    coat came up to
    me,"The place
    isn't full you
    know.: She
    winked,"Why don't
    you come sit
    with me,I love a
    man with money."
    I said,"Oh yeah,well
    I've got piles."
    "Show me," she
    insisted with a
    wry smile on her
    face.So I bent
    over and pulled my
    pants down.

    black Dictionary
    result for black
    /blak/submit
    adjective one
    of the very darkest
    colour owing to
    the absence of or
    complete absorption
    of light: the opposite
    of white.
    cunt Dictionary
    result for cunt
    /k#nt/submit
    noun VULGAR SLANG
    a woman's genitals.
    Defintions from a
    world renown dictionary
    of two words But,oh,use
    them together and
    all of a sudden you're
    a fucking racist.

  15. #1575
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "Right class" said the
    teacher,"Can anyone
    use the word
    momumental in a
    sentence?" "I can
    Miss," replied little
    Johnny."Go on then
    she encouraged.He
    said,"The other day
    my dad went up to
    this massive nigger
    and threatened to
    smash his fucking face
    in,the nigger replied
    "Mon u mental get
    the fuck out of here."

    Adam and Eve.
    First people in
    history to not read
    the Apple terms
    and conditions.

    An unmarried woman
    regularly blowing the
    cock of a married rich
    man is a misstress.An
    unmarried woman
    regularly blowing the
    cock of a married poor
    man is a slag.


    I'm not saying I
    love the entire
    solar system.But
    my record shop is
    called The Vinyl
    Frontier.

    Great thing about
    being a man who
    has the flu,you
    never have to
    explain the box of
    tissues sitting next
    to the computer.

    A girl looked at my
    hands and said
    "Ah,you must be
    a single guy!"
    "How'd you
    guess No
    wedding ring?" I
    replied
    sarcastically."No,
    one palms much
    shinner than the
    other" she
    answered

    Can't help thinking
    ....there's quite a
    few Indian women
    who try putting
    their lipstick on,
    just as their
    husbands slams on
    the brakes of the
    car.

    So..You can call
    black people
    'people of colour'
    but you can't call
    them 'coloured?!
    Last time I looked
    in the dictionary
    'coloured' was the
    adjective of the
    verb 'colour',Are
    people making this
    PC shit as they
    go along? Why
    can't we go back
    to the good old
    fashion term
    'darkies' That's
    nice and quaint
    and does exactly
    what it says on the
    tin.

    I was arrested in
    PC world for theft
    It was the doctors
    fault because he
    told me I had to
    keep taking the
    tablets.

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