"What's is a New Year's resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out
the other."
"What's is a New Year's resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out
the other."
Next time you get,'Liverpool have won
the league more times than anybody else,'
remind them Rangers 55 times or Celtic 54.
Mark Williams: Former World Champion
requires oxygen during match
I can't speak for him or anyone else, but I
need it all the time.
A study just came out that shows
decreasing the amount of sugar in obse
children's diet improves their health within
10 day.
The study was conducted by a bunch of
jerks trying to ruin Easter...
Are you having a bad day?
Just remember, some idiot out there is
pulling a door that says push.
Graham Norton will soon embark on his
first ever live tour of Australia.
I bet he starts off in Sidney.
Duke and Duchess of Sussex hug survivors
of Los Angeles wildfires -as if they
hadn't suffered enough already!
A movie is being made featuring a black
Superman.He's the man of steal.
With the new secret service coming in for the new president
they won't be saying "get down", they will be saying
"Donald Duck!"
Scots mental health nurse sparked mass brawl
in Glasgow nightclub and struck a man with
a shoe
Yeah, that health nurse does sound kind of
mental.
Gordon Ramsey deeply apologise to everyone
he ever called a donkey.
After months of self reflection, he came to the
realisation that it wasn't fair on the donkeys.
Easter is still months away yet but today I
saw big chocolate eggs in the supermarket.
Then the black teen spotted me staring
down her top
Raise your hand if you watched Elon
Musk's speech last night?
Elon Musk gives Nazi salute
"It was toe-curling embarrassing for us all,"
said several Nazis.
Elon Musk has come out in defence of his
photo
"I was NOT giving a Nazi salute," He said in a
statement.
I first touched my heart, then threw
out love to the people there.
I threw out love to the people of the United
States.
I threw out love to Joe Biden and the
previous administration.
And finally I threw out to love to Donald Trump,
on his inauguration as our Fuhrer!"
Elon Musk's new car named the
"Swasti Car."
Am I the only one who can't read the name
Alex Rudakubana without hearing Barry
Nanilow singing it?
Hardcore vegans think all zoos should be
closed and the animals returned to their
natural habitat
But then where would all the divorced dads
take their kids on the weekend?
Besides McDonald's that is.
Today I saw a granny wearing a T-shirt that
said Superdry.
I thought yeah I bet it is .
Ange Postecoglu gets involved in a fight
while leaving Harrods.
When the lift operator asked,
"Going down?"
The Rolling stones were gearing up to hit
the road on a mammoth tour this summer.
However, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
pulled the plug after promoters were unable
to secure wheelchair access.
Stars who can't stand Meghan Markle
Wouldn't it be easier to list the people
who like her? It would be a very short
List.
Prince Harry will be livid, his niece Beatrice
has just given
birth to a baby blacker than the one
he has.
It blows my mind that NASA is able
to receive data from 4.67 billion
miles away
but I lose my WiFi signal in my
kitchen.
Beyonce, sporting straight blonde hair has
won a Grammy for her country album
in the category 'its Not Cultural Appropriation
When We Do it '
I read in the news today that Scotland are
looking to ban cats
Fair play if you ask me, it's a shit musical
and that Lloyd Webber is a cunt
Netflix vows to stand by Megan and Harry.
Which in TV talk, means they're well
fucked.
"P" Daddy was originally Puff Daddy.
I think he should go a step further and
change his real name to Sean Grooms.
What makes me laugh about social media
is it's not very social.
More a minefield of dickheads with a few
good cunts in between.
After a long meeting at the pub with my
mates, we decided to form a group called
"War against nutters, knobheads, eejits and
retard society."
The only downside is its abbreviation is
W.A.N.K.E.R.S
I've heard that an evil scientist has spliced
genes from Bond villains Blofeld and Oddjob.
He's hoping to create the ultimate Blojob.
I was watching that Batman film "The Dark
Knight"
Great movie, but a bit far fetched.
There's no way people in real life would
support some obvious lunatic with
a bizarre hairstyle and makeup who
just aims to bring out the very worst
in everyone and pit them against
one another...
Bridget Jane's parachute up for sale-no
strings attached.
Do they mean her big knickers?
0% alcohol spirits.
Can't see the point.Like
sucking a nipple through
through a jumper.
Football commentator: "Anfield
has got to be the hardest place
at the moment."
... said with confidence of a man
who has never seen Diane Abbott's
minge.
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