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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1996
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    Smile Sick text jokes

    Things were getting
    steamy with the wife on
    the sofa in front of the
    TV just now and she said,
    "Put something dirty and
    Filthy while you fuck me.
    I want to watch it go off
    too."
    So on went the football and
    I told her to watch Sergio
    Ramos.


    On a recent trip to the
    grim north of England,
    Katie Price contacted the
    players at two football
    Clubs.
    Rochdale because she
    heard they were experts at
    going down.
    And Newcastle because
    they always stayed up
    longer than anyone
    expected.


    No wonder American kids
    are on so many drugs.
    They go to high school.


    My daughter's not happy
    with me even though I did
    just what I thought she'd
    fucking want and tried to
    spend the day connecting
    with her useless black
    boyfriend Jamal!
    She stormed, "HOW DARE
    you try and bring him
    along to your Civil War
    reenactment, with you as
    Stonewall Jackson and
    him as your subservient
    field slave!"


    I saw on the news a
    woman in Morocco gave
    birth to 9 babies
    welcome to the world
    Muhammad Muhammad
    Muhammad Muhammad
    Muhammad Muhammad
    Muhammad Muhammad
    and ( correction it’s only 8 the
    9th was a girl so it doesn’t
    count )


    Harry and Meghan call for
    'vaccine giveaway' : Couple
    writes an open letter to
    CEOs of Pfizer, AZ, and
    Moderna demanding they
    share jab patents with
    Poor countries.
    Although, please hold off
    until our share sale goes
    through.


    Melinda got the house but
    Bill kept the windows.


    I was shocked to hear
    about the COVID virus on
    Mount Everest. I thought
    it had reached its
    peak.


    I was going to make
    a joke about Bill and
    Melinda Gates, but I
    thought it might be to PC.


    In India the dot system
    is used to tell men from
    women. It makes sense as they
    can't easily do our better
    system - beard or no
    beard.

  2. #1997
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    Mother's Day is going to
    be awkward this year.
    It coincides with Steak and
    Blowjob Day.


    I wonder if Elton John's
    kids were able to find a
    "Happy Mother's Gay"
    card?

  3. #1998
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    Sick text jokes

    BBC's Glamping
    weather guy Owain
    Wyn Evans was asked
    what was his favourite
    song.... he said, "It would
    have to be that song
    by The Weather girls
    obviously....
    I'm draining men
    ooooooo"


    What do blacks and
    bicycles have in common?
    They both have chains.


    Red Hot Chili Peppers
    to sell their entire music
    catalogue for $140 million
    upwards.
    I thought they'd Give It
    Away...


    The wife just rushed in, all smiles,
    saying she found her wedding dress
    and she can still fit in it.
    I haven't the heart to tell her it's the
    marquee.


    "I could eat that again." Great
    compliment at a dinner party... but say
    that as a gynaecologist and you are
    in a whole world of shit.


    Just failed my application to get onto
    The Chase
    Q: Who won the first Tour De France.
    Apparently the 42nd Panzer
    Regiment was incorrect.


    Made a right tit of myself when the
    new boss introduced himself earlier.
    Turns out Neil was his name not
    a command.


    I found out about my new girlfriend's
    alopecia the hard way, by pulling on her
    hair while she gave me a
    blowjob.
    It's putting me right off my stride,
    she looks like a monk down there now.


    I used to work in the Cafe at a nudist
    colony, and I was the most popular guy
    there. Mainly because I could carry
    two cups of coffee, and a dozen
    doughnuts at she same time.


    Arsenal are to change
    their shit sponsorship
    from 'Fly Emirates' to
    'Brexit'


    England have redesigned
    the 3 Lions badge to
    reflect diversity and
    inclusivity.
    One of the Lions has
    Raheem Sterling in it's
    month, with Prince Phillip
    aiming his safari rifle, as it
    flees.


    "History was made on
    Friday with the first
    ever all gay @USNavy
    helicopter crew."
    Quinten, I heard they have
    a really well lubricated
    main shaft.
    Oooooooh.


    I've just heard Quentin
    Crisp has moved into a
    haunted house.
    Obviously hoping to have
    the willies put up him
    Whoooooooo.


    Natasha Asghar is the
    first woman of colour to
    be elected into the Welsh
    Parliament.
    I bet she still feels like the
    black sheep.


    This is Wayne Rooney's
    Favourite time of year.
    He loves the bottom half
    of May.
    And then he can't wait to
    get on top of June.


    "My friend Julie is having
    an Eastenders themed
    fancy dress on Saturday
    night, I was thinking of
    going as Pat Butcher, do
    you fancy it?" My girlfriend
    asked.
    "Can I be Frank?" l replied.
    "Of course you can..." she
    laughed.
    "No, I don't fancy it,". I
    replied, "Your friend Julie's
    a cunt."

  4. #1999
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    BBC NEWS : Lesbianism
    in Britain has increased
    every year since 1972.
    In completely unrelated
    news, I was born in 1972.


    "We will be hugging and
    kissing indoors from
    Monday at 5pm". Boris
    Johnson confirms.
    Fuck, that's all we need.
    He thinks all women are
    called indoors.

  5. #2000
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    Smile Puns

    1. The fattest knight at
    King Arthur's round table
    was Sir Cumference. He
    ate too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye
    doctor on an Alaskan
    island, but it was an
    optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whiskey
    maker, but he loved her
    still.

    4. A rubber band pistol
    was confiscated from
    algebra class as a weapon
    of maths disruption.

    5. No matter how much
    you push the envelope, it
    remains stationary.

    6. A dog gave birth in the
    park and was cited for
    littering.

    7. A grenade thrown
    into a kitchen in France
    would result in Linoleum
    Blown apart.


    8. Two silk worms had a
    race. They ended up in a
    tie.

    9. A hole was found in
    a nudist camp wall. The
    police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an
    arrow. Fruit flies like a
    banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-profit
    organisation.

    12. Two hats were
    hanging on a hat rack. One
    said : "You stay here, I'll go
    on a head."

    13. I wondered why the
    cricket ball kept getting
    bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. Lawn signs at a drugs
    rehab centre : Keep off
    The Grass.

    15. The midget fortune -
    teller who escaped from
    prison was a small
    medium at large.

    16. A soldier who survived
    mustard gas and pepper
    spray is a seasoned
    veteran.

    17. A backward poet
    writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy, it's
    your vote that counts. In
    feudalism, it's your count
    that votes.

    19. When cannibals eat
    a missionary, they get a
    taste of religion.

    20. If you jumped off a
    bridge in Paris, you'd be in
    Seine.

    21. A vulture boards an
    airplane carrying two
    dead raccoons. The flight
    attendant says, "I'm sorry,
    Sir, only one carrion is
    allowed per passenger."

    22. Two fish swim into a
    concrete wall. One says,
    "Dam!"

    23. Infidelity is a sin. You
    can't have your Kate and
    Edith too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms
    meet. One says, "I've lost
    my electron. The other
    says," Are you sure? " The
    first replies," Yes I'm
    positive. "

    25. Buddhists who refuse
    painkillers during a root
    canal seek to transcend
    dental medication.

  6. #2001
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    Sick text jokes

    What's the difference
    between ed sheeran and
    man city?
    Ed Sheeran's fans go and
    watch him play ( and can
    fill a stadium )


    Jesy Nelson left little mix
    because she says the
    pressure off looking as
    good as the other girls not
    to her.
    Ironic two of her band
    mates will end up fatter
    than she is with sagging
    tits.


    Spike Lee has announced
    that he is doing a new
    boxing documentary, this
    time Orlando Cruz, the
    world's first openly gay
    boxer.
    When We Were Queens is
    expected to be released
    this year.


    - THE COVID-19
    PANDEMIC -
    The Pessimist ;
    I got furloughed then
    lost my job the price
    of toilet rolls and hand
    sanitiser went through
    the roof, I couldn't go to
    Marbella, I couldn't get a
    Big Mac, the cinema and
    Wetherspoons were shut,
    Xmas was shit and my
    Nan died.
    Tho optimist;
    Everyone had such nice
    clean hands!


    At a hearing at High
    Wycombe Magistrates
    Court on Tuesday, April
    27,the court heard how
    Helen O'callaghan... was
    Caught on a speed camera
    driving at 57mph...in
    a 30mph limit... in a
    Porsche... she pleaded
    guilty and was fined £660
    ordered to pay £156 costs
    and had six points put
    on her licence. A note
    on the court document
    stated that she would
    not receive a driving ban
    because of the impact it
    could have on production
    of the AstraZeneca
    Coronavirus vaccine,
    Stating "Mitigating
    circumstances : bench
    find exceptional hardship
    - it is a condition of Ms
    O'callaghan's employment
    and in the current
    circumstances, if she
    were to be disqualified,
    it could adversely
    affect production of the
    AstraZeneca vaccine."
    She's Vice President,
    Head of Quality at Oxford
    Biomedica. Lets see-that
    involves ensuring that
    people apply controls
    correctly and follow
    processes and rules...
    Respect to her brief,
    though, for the original
    and topical excuse.

  7. #2002
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    Sick text jokes

    What's the difference
    between a black kid and
    Nemo?
    Nemo's dad looked for
    him.


    It's been reported that
    Manchester United are
    satisfied to have come
    second in the Premier
    League.
    Isn't that a bit like sucking
    the spunk off the cock
    of your wife’s lover, and
    claiming you have a great
    sex life?


    I bought my 12 year old
    son an acoustic guitar
    yesterday and he has
    mastered 3 chords
    already!
    So now the Oasis full
    songbook is covered he's
    moved onto a new one.


    Well I learnt something
    today.
    Never tell someone a
    secret at the National
    Town Crier Convention.


    What if porn had
    commercials. "Don't
    bust a nut yet, we'll be
    right back after a short
    message about erectile
    dysfunction.

  8. #2003
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    Portugal is open for
    holidays again and the
    country collectively stated,
    'we miss the British!'
    Roughly translated this
    equates to 'we miss the
    British money! `


    Susanna Hoffs was fooled
    into recording the lead
    vocal for' Eternal Flame '
    naked, after hearing Olivia
    Newton-John did that.
    I wonder if she kept her
    bangles on?


    Scottish
    Independence

    If Scotland gains its independence in
    the forthcoming referendum,
    the remainder of the United Kingdom
    will be known as the "Former United
    Kingdom," or FUK.
    In a bid to discourage the seats from
    voting "Yes" in the referendum,
    the Government has now begun to
    campaign with the slogan "Vote No,
    for FUK's sake."
    They feel the Scottish voters will be
    able to relate to this.


    Manchester United's
    Brazilian midfielder Fred
    has been subjected to
    racial abuse.
    To be fair, naming those
    small chocolate bars after
    him is a step too far.


    An artist was trying to
    make a bronze statue of
    Meghan Markle when it all
    went wrong.
    It came out half cast.


    If Lady Nig-Nogs are supposed to
    be black downstairs.
    Why is it that Meghan has
    a ginger cunt?


    M people Singer Heather
    Small, is a guest on I Can
    See Your Voice.
    She's moving on up.

  9. #2004
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    Sick text jokes

    Today a man knocked on my door
    anu asked for a small donation for
    the local swimming pool.
    I gave him a glass of water.


    Bit ironic Palestinians
    naming their "freedom
    fighting army" after a thing
    Muslims hate and queers
    love...
    Ham ass.


    My big ugly wife once
    auditioned for X-Factor
    and tried to sing "Vincent"
    by Don McLean.
    Even I was in stitches
    when I heard Simon
    Cowell comment, "This is
    the day the music died."


    I heard a gunshot go off
    outside so I looked out
    the window to potentially
    witness and react to a
    crime.
    I thought "maybe it's just
    a race," as I saw three
    black guys taking off
    down the street running.


    If the Indian variant
    vaccine isn't called the
    Punjab, I'm giving up on
    humanity.


    "Love is like oxygen you
    get too much you get
    too high not enough and
    you're gonna die"... Awww
    isn't that Sweet?


    I do love a gunfight in a
    western movie.
    I just enjoy watching
    cowboys shooting their
    loads into each other.
    Oooooooooh


    I approached this woman
    with huge tits and said,
    "If you go home with me,
    those breasts will get
    sucked on all night."
    "Kinky are we?" she
    smiled.
    "No, I'm a single dad and
    my 6-month old hasn't
    eaten all day."


    I can't believe that a
    Prince, Prince Harry,
    is trying to make his
    upbringing sound as if he
    was the little match girl.
    The little match girl had to
    work for a living.


    "Holly Willoughby
    frustrated as Phillip
    Schofield explains why
    They still can't hug on This
    Morning"
    She isn't a dude


    Bandwagon time...

    Indian covid... charity
    album... songs

    Korma chameleon :
    Culture Club
    Tears on my pilau :kylie
    Poppadom preach :
    Madonna
    Can't curry love :Phil
    Collins
    Kebaby Love :The
    Surpremes
    Skip to the Loo :Judy
    Garland
    Sikh and destroy :
    Metallica
    Rice Rice baby :Vanilla
    Ice
    Chapatti on my shoulder :
    Cock sparrer
    Go man go ( chutney mix.)
    Alice Cooper.

  10. #2005
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    After my sex-change
    operation to look like my
    Idol Shania Twain, I ran
    around shouting,
    "Man I feel like a woman."


    A soldier in WWll was shot
    but coins in his pocket
    stopped the bullet.
    It was his life savings.


    Jessie Wallace has
    Shocked Twitter by
    offering a young actor a
    minge to cry on.
    I bet it is stronger than
    smelling salts.


    Sports Flash : Harry Kane
    says he wants to sign for
    Manchester United as
    he loves to hear the fans
    singing "He's one of our own,
    he's one of our own"...

  11. #2006
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    It has been revealed that
    Palestine has sent one of
    It's covert operatives to
    infiltrate Everton football
    Club.
    Hamas Rodriguez.


    BBC Sport "Spurs to be
    cheered on by 10,000
    fans tonight at White Hart
    Lane."
    Which is good news for
    Harry Kane, as it will
    get him used to playing
    in front of that many fans
    before his big Summer
    move to the Council
    House.


    Demi Lovato has declared
    herself non-binary as
    not male nor female nor
    LGBTQIAPK. Not so much
    non-binary as non decimal.


    You're either non-binary or
    you're not.


    Gwyneth Paltrow's
    company is being sued
    after man claims that her
    'vagina' scented candle
    exploded on him.
    To be fair, he probably
    shouldn't have been
    fucking it.


    Friends : The Reunion
    trailer has been aired and
    it features an emotional
    Jennifer Aniston asking
    "Where's the tissue box?"
    Great minds think alike.


    Subway is opening a
    sandwich making college
    in Liverpool.
    Everyone there is already
    great at making things
    inbred.

  12. #2007
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    Sick text jokes

    After reports of Dr who
    actor John Barrowman
    getting his cock out in
    public... his Character
    will be remamed either
    Captain Jack off or
    Jumping Jack flash.


    Demi Lovato has told the
    world what her favourite
    pronouns are.
    "Me, myself and I"


    Like Demi Lovato my
    preferred pronouns are
    also they/them. Not
    because I am non-binary
    but because I choose
    to identify as multiple
    people..

    A few days ago when
    the mask rules in the
    USA became slightly
    relaxed, President Biden
    counselled non-mask
    wearers to "be nice to
    mask wearers."
    Like anyone will ever dare
    confront anyone wearing
    a face - nappy again


    Former BBC reporter
    Martin Bashir deceived
    and induced Princess
    Diana's brother to secure
    a bombshell Panorama
    interview with her
    BBC director-general Tim
    Davie has made a full and
    unconditional apology
    after the findings in Lord
    Dyson's report. He added,
    "Before anyone asks, we
    genuinely don't know if
    Prince Andrew sweats."


    Niggers are like
    mechanical pencils.
    I fill them with lead.


    What is an example of
    irony?
    Niggers wearing
    rope chains.


    A bloke in the shop
    coughed in my face.
    "It's ok," he said. "I'm fully
    vaccinated"
    Not against broken noses
    he wasn't The cunt.


    There's now an avian
    strain of coronavirus.
    One flu over the cuckoo's
    nest.


    My wife's had a second
    jab today
    And she will get a third if
    she keeps pinching my
    kebab meat.

  13. #2008
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    Sick text jokes

    Leeds United were conned
    into €13 to FC
    Freiburg for a crocked
    German defender who
    has managed just a couple
    of games.The club and
    fans have branded them
    robbing cocks.
    Who is this player you
    ask................ Robin Koch.


    Martin Bashir fucked up
    over the Princess Diana
    interview yet was rehired
    by the BBC five years ago
    as their religious affairs
    editor.
    Apt, as he would be
    perfect as Bishop Bashir.


    I've finally sussed the
    main problem The Duke
    of Sussex faces everyday,
    Unlike in a previous 'job'
    he now no longer has
    half a dozen SAS soldiers
    to protect him from the
    everyday realities of the
    life he chooses to live.



    "I drunk a week's worth of
    Alcohol on Friday night"
    'Prince Harry'
    "I drink a week's worth of
    Alcohol on a Friday night"
    'Tom, Dick and Harry'


    Prince Harry he'll never be
    King of England.
    Don't worry mate, there's
    always pound land.


    A bullet train driver
    in Japan has been
    disciplined for taking a
    toilet break at 150mph.
    Must've ate some bad
    sushi.


    A Scottish student has
    been attacked by a
    Black rhino and her calves
    in South Africa.
    Luckily for him the even
    rarer male black rhino had
    already fucked off before
    the calves were born.


    Russian Ultra discount
    supermarket Mere
    (. Svetofor.) has
    landed in the UK to
    challenge Lidls and
    Aldis.
    I guess it's true, it is
    the Russians who end
    all wars... And they
    don't need a fucking
    carrot mascot to
    get your money in
    their till.

    I remember watching a
    Star Trek episode when
    there were some cute little
    fur balls that consumed
    and took over everything
    in their path and were
    born pregnant. I couldn't
    help wondering if Gene
    Roddenberry could've
    been sued by the Pakis
    at the time for breach or
    copyright.
    I think he got away with it
    though by making them
    cute.


    I said to the assistant in
    HMV, "I've looked in the
    Classic Rock section, but
    I can't find any Freddie
    Mercury albums."
    He replied, "Have you
    looked under Heavy
    Metal?"


    What has McDonalds
    and a red light got in
    common?
    My wife always drives
    through them.

  14. #2009
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    Sick text jokes

    Give a man a fish and he'll
    eat for a day.
    Give a dog a toffee and
    you'll piss yourself for half
    an hour.


    Our poor little snowflake
    Princelet, Harry Hard-Done-By,
    seems contented with his
    dominottrix Miss Whiplash
    Stern (. also known as
    NutMeg ).
    Seems she got a grip
    on his balls whilst
    nutmegging him.
    Apparently it put a smile
    on your face and helps
    you protect your privacy
    whilst doing the rounds of
    TV shows and shouting
    to the whole world about
    your suffering! My heart
    truly bleeds for him!
    Harry, I feel for you, but
    not the way NutMeg does!
    LOL


    I love Quinten's jokes
    and oooooh! that. But I
    am not sure about this
    homosexuality business.
    Something about what
    They do leaves a nasty
    taste in the mouth!

    ( credit: Barry Humphries
    as Dame Edna Everage on
    the Russell Harty Show,
    1970's )


    I looked down at my newly
    born son and as I thought
    of the difficulties his
    condition was going to
    cause him; the prejudices
    and discrimination he was
    going to face, and I felt
    the tears rolling down my
    cheeks.
    Today's society is no
    place for a white able
    bodied male.

  15. #2010
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    Sick text jokes

    Arsenal fans living in The
    Congo as they have been
    inspired by the message
    on the players shirts to
    "Visit Rwanda."


    Discussing winning his
    first Champion league
    final today Rio Ferdinand
    said it was to get the
    monkey off your back.
    Ironically his wife Kate
    will be thinking the same
    half an hour after he gets
    home tonight.


    Manchester United and
    my ex wife have the same
    thing in common
    They both play better
    away from home.


    Joel Glazer goes into the
    dressing room.

    "Hey all you guys did
    swell today and what a
    win. I am so proud of
    you all and what we have
    achieved this season well
    done. Everyone of you is
    the pride of Manchester
    tonight,. And where's the
    manager, where is he?"

    The players part and point
    him in the right direction.
    Glazer goes straight over
    to him and shakes his
    hand.

    " You had done so well
    this season we will have
    to look at getting you a
    big bonus and improved
    contact. I am excited
    about what we can do
    in Europe and in the
    league next season. And
    hey, I'm sorry about the
    whole Super League thing.
    Now, I can see you have
    something to say to me,
    So come on spit it out.
    What do you want to say? "
    " Well Thank you for all
    the wonderful things you
    have said, the boys and I
    appreciate it. However, I
    think you are at the wrong
    football ground. " says Pep
    Guardiola.


    I prefer my women like
    Parmesan cheese...
    Strong and shaved.


    Mother-in-law in the
    back of the car (. boot? )
    Spent the whole journey
    whingeing and giving
    extraneous advice on
    driving. Eventually we
    arrived and I reversed
    parked into a vacant slot
    at the road side.
    Mother-in-law "Why do
    men always back into
    parking spaces?
    Okay everyone, join in
    " Because we can. "


    " Thousands gather in
    London for Palestine
    solidarity march. "
    It's 2,226 miles to Gaza.
    I doubt they'll do it by
    supper time.


    New No. 1 in Bolton
    I got flu babe
    Sunni and Shi'a

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