What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

I strolled past a queue
of cars with my petrol
lawnmower to fill it up and
was accused of cutting in
line.


"The honeymoon’s
over': Van Jones breaks
down President Biden’s
mounting problems" .
There's an easy solution
to that, lie on his back and
let his wife straddle him
instead.


Elton John has
unfortunately split up with
his longtime partner and
husband David Furnish. In
a statement from Elton’s
spokesman it was said
that the reason being Mr
Furnish was having sex
behind Eltons back.


COP26. Where billionaires
arrive in Glasgow in
private jets and spend
2 weeks thinking up
imaginative ways of
getting people on
minimum wage to feel
guilty, pay more tax and
stop holidaying abroad, to
save the climate.
Cunts


My son showed me the
new woke "Superman"
where he's bisexual
kissing another bloke,
and "fighting for Social
Justice."
"Huh", I said, "Who would
have thought it's not
kryptonite that kills him,
but DC comics."


William Shatner : to oldly
go where no man has
gone before.


Due to all this political
correctness bollocks
The Ram Jam Band have
released a new version of
"Tanned Elizabeth"


I booked an escort last
night who was American
"What part of the USA are
you from?"
"Idaho"
"Yes I know that, but
which state were you born
in?"

[Piper]

Well done Bill Gates for
bringing his daughter's
wedding in at under $2m,
especially with her make-up
artist charging $1.2m


Ford is creating 500 more
jobs on Merseyside.
Unfortunately they cant
find anyone to fill the roles
in the local area.


Just bought myself an
extremely scary costume
for a Halloween party in
Liverpool.
I'm going dressed as a
ten foot fence.


"Do anything nice at the
weekend?" asked the
blonde bird at work today.
"Yeah, we saw James
Bond at the cinema" I
replied.
"Oh, cool!" she replied, "What
was he watching?"


The National Theatre of
Scotland has banned the
word "spooky" in case
Somebody finds it racist.
Don't snigger, you can't
call a spade a spade
Nowadays because people
arse so niggardly with
which word they allow.
Somebody ought to crack
the whip to stop them
monkeying around.


I live in Southend. The
status of "city" is a worthy
one but only the way Sean.
Connery would pronounce
it.


The Wombles were
planning a trip to the
Olympic Park in Stratford.
"We can go on the District
line or the underground."
"How much will the train
cost."
"It won't cost anything"
"Underground, Overground
Wombles are free."

[Piper]

Tragic news from sesame
Street today when cookie
Monster's dream of
becoming a Uber driver
was destroyed when
he suddenly realised
everyone lived in the same
street


My missus saw a
competition to win two
tickets for the Man Utd v
Spurs game.
"Shall I enter it for you?"
She asked
"What with my luck," I
said, don't bother I'd
probably win. "

[Piper]

Donald Trump is launching
his own media platform.
I'll give him a day before
he's banned from it.


DID you know that the
phrase "playing the field"
originated in Wales?

[Piper]

After testing positive for
the flu
Ed Sheerans new album
will be rebranded from =
to +


Mo Salah was on the
scales after the match
and weighed 13 stone
heavier...
... turns out he had Harry
Maguire in his pocket.


A man in a wheelchair
has been arrested for
attacking shoppers with a
knife in Hayes.
This is what happens
when you push people
around for too long.


Meghan Markle has
released a statement
following the Queen's visit
to hospital.
'My thoughts and prayers
as usual, go out to me'


"Taliban 'beheads member
of women's Youth
Volleyball team"
It was her own fault
for watching too many
American videos on
YouTube. When asked
if she'd give him head,
she thought he meant a
blowjob.


What's got 200 legs and
stinks of stale piss?
The front row at a Cliff
Richard concert.


Elon Musk said to his
father..
"Dad, I'm rich enough now
that I can afford to be
shot into space.."
His dad said,
"If I'd had better reflexes
when I was younger and
pulled out in time, you
would have been shot into
space 9 months before
you were born - for FREE!"


Whoever said, It's not
over' til the fat lady sings
was obviously never at a
Carpenters concert.


My new job as a carpet
salesman only lasted a
day.
Apparently," Fancy
a shag? " is not an
appropriate way to
welcome customers.

[Piper]

I would much rather
be served a round by a
bartender than by Alec
Baldwin.


Arsenal are said to be in
talks with Alec Baldwin
as they need someone
who can actually shoot on
target.


I have to say it was
interesting to watch
Afghanistan play
Scotland. Supply vs
Demand.


My daughter's useless
Black boyfriend dressed
in fangs and a black and
red cloak for this year's
Halloween, and told me
he's a vampire.
"Count Chocula?"


Dressing up as a vaccine
this Halloween to scare
the Pakis...


A friend wants to
be Johnny Depp on
Halloween but is too
broke to pull together a
costume, I suggested he
becomes Johnny Debt
instead.


It has become apparent
that in the US Covid is
killing more cops than
shootings at the moment.
Biden has asked Boris for
help.
Boris doesn't know if he
should send vaccines or
guns.


Michael Jordan's trainers
were sold at auction for
almost $1.5 million.
I thought it was illegal,
Nowadays, to sell coloured
folk.


"There's a black fella
at work nicknamed
mayonnaise."
"But mayonnaise is white."
"I know, it's for the chips
on his shoulders. "


Autum tour of UK by
what remains of that great
60's band The Who is
cancelled.
We won't get fuelled again,
warns the Who's tour bus
driver.

[Piper]

Latvian women end 90
minutes V England with no
shots on target.
Alec Baldwin likes this.


My large daughter's
useless and theiving black
boyfriend was getting
ready for a Halloween
party dressed as a
vampire... I said, "I guess
this year you're Count
Chocula."
He got fucking mad
and said, "You's only
say dat cuz I's black!"...
and I said, "No, I say
you're Count Chocula
because you have a giant
marshmellow!"
"Dad!" my daughter
stormed, "I'm a ghost!"


For many years on
Halloween I was always
the most unpopular house
because I always put
celery and bananas and
other healthy things in
kids bags.
"Sorry, my wife has eaten
the whole bowl of candy I
meant to give out again."


NEWS: Amazon given
contract to store data for
MI5, MI6 and GCHQ
"This merger's just
the start of it. In three
days, there's a security
conference in Tokyo to
decide the New World
order. If C gets his way,
he'll have unlimited
access to the combined
intelligence streams of
nine countries. Including
us"
Oh dear! I seem to
have included a snip of
dialogue from James
Bond : Spectre there.
It didn't end well for C in
the film.


There is a climate change
crisis they say. Don’t fly on
holiday they say. Don’t eat
meat they say.
Though on tv there are
always people on screen
that have flown to places
like Yemen, Libya and
Afghanistan saying send
us money so we can
fly more food into the
country. Shouldn’t they
be congratulating them
instead?
If Corbyn was in power he
would be telling us if we
try we could be more like
these countries.

[Piper]

Halloween.
That time of year when
mom's on benefits
complain that you haven't
given their kids enough
sweets.


I'm gonna dress up
as Alec Baldwin for
Halloween 2021


Ironically, Halloween
would be the least scary
social event this year...


Australian footballer
Joshua Cavallo, is gay.
He was born in Bentleigh.
Take out the word
born from the previous
sentence and this is also
true.


Australian International
Midfielder Joshua Cavallo,
is gay.. He's leaving
Adelaide so he can spend
more time at the back in
Sydney.


Australian Footballer Josh
Cavallo has come out as
gay.
The back of the net or
some blokes backside. I
don't care where you put
your balls mate.


Piers Morgan praises
footballer Joshua Cavallo
for coming out as gay :
'Anyone who has a
problem with this isn’t a
real football fan'
In other news the price of
fags has gone up in the
budget.


Martin Clunes has taken
a horse to meet patients
and staff at a local
hospice.
It's been done though,
Prince Charles has been
doing it for years.

[Piper]

How do you greet an
Australian footballer?
D'Gay, mate.


Australian footballer
Josh Cavallo has sought
to clarify the statement
interpreted as him coming
out as gay.
He added - "All I said was
I loved getting in behind
and coming inside the full-back.


Everyone is saying that
Josh Cavallo is the only
professional footballer to
Come out.
Have they forgotten the
Scottish keeper in the
Euros?


I just won the Manchester
United ultimate fan
matchday experience.
Its a dry at home with Sky
Sports turned off.


Tyson Fury reminds me of
that song by The Weeknd.
I can't feel my face when
I'm with you...


I've just been watching the
TV about the China Crisis.
Their music was fucking
shit.


I hate France and I'll be
buggered if I go to gay
paree.


Bjorn and Benny have
confirmed that Abba
plan to split for good
after the release of their
forthcoming album,
Voyage.
The obvious punchline
here would be: 'Oh well,
thank you for the music'
But let's be honest, they
were fucking shit. Weren't
they.


A horse walks into a bar
with Aiden O'Brien and the
bouncer says, "Sorry no
trainers."

[Piper]

"Trick or trout!"
said the dyslexic on
Halloween.


This Halloween I've
decided to dress up as the
most scariest thing you
could imagine :
High Court Enforcement
Officers.


It's Halloween and I just
watched Ghostbusters
with Melissa McCarthy, it's
terrifying!
This what passes for
comedy these days?


Wife has Halloween
sorted.
Sweets and other goodies
for the White ones
And bananas and monkey
nuts for all the Niglets.


It's that time of year kids
in Liverpool knock on
people's doors and get
given bags of ecstasy.


It's the perfect Halloween
to be an Aston Villa after
losing 4-1 to West Ham
What a horror show.


Kids knocking door to
door for sweets tonight.
If we ever wanted to check
if he does sweat, tonight's
the night.


Halloween : when Demons
and Ghouls hang out
together...
... because Demons are a
Ghouls best friend.


Jehovah's Witness don't
celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't
appreciate random people
knocking on their door.


Tonight I'm going to
dress up as a gas bill for
Halloween, just to scare
the shit out of my elderly
neighbours


Halloween : The one day
of the year Americans will
eat apples raw.


This year the scariest
#costumes.
Will be the where
people wear no masks...


Our boys wanted me to
drive them around town to
go Trick or Treating.
To save money on petrol,
I bought them £400 worth
of sweets instead.


The wife said, "I think we
should do something
really scary for the kids
this Halloween."
I said, "Well take them to
your mother's."


Hey if anyone is out trick
or treating this weekend
apparently they are
dishing out some great
batthunberg at COP26


Last Halloween, l found
a job lot of ghost outfits
at the boot sale. Me and
my mates all went in them by
torchlight.
Funny thing, they only
seemed to scare black
people. Perhaps they
didn’t like the pointy hats.


Shes not a drinker - Her
body will not tolerate
spirits
She had two Martinis at
the Halloween party.
And she tried to hijack an
elevator and fly to Cuba.


Kids said, 'trick or treat I
took out my gary glitter
records. Parents grabbed
them and ran off, dont
know why.


I've got everything I need
for Halloween and
Christmas in the one
shop.
Beer


This time last year, my dad
worked very hard to put a
roof over my head.
It was the worst
Halloween costume ever.


Today's world song lyrics
are given to us by Simon
and Garfunkel from back in
1964.
(. COP26 or clocks going
back )
Sing, don’t just read.

Come gather around
people, wherever you
roam
And admit that the waters
around you have grown
And accept it that soon
you'll be drenched to the
bone
If your time to you is
worth savin'
Then you better start
swimmin' or you'll sink like
a stone
For the times they are
a-changin.


Equally moaning minnies
have complained that the
global climate summit
in Glasgow will be the
Whitest ever

Good!

Something might actually
get done then.


Celine Dion has cancelled
concerts due to suffering
muscle spasms and
paralysis.
Her heart will go on but
she can't.


Paki pop star, Zayn
Malik, has split from his
girlfriend, been sentenced
to probation and anger
management classes and
has been dropped by his
record label.
Looks like his career is
heading in one direction.


Hope Disney do Grand
Theft Auto as a film.
They can use as many
Black characters as they
like then.


The Facebook company
has changed its name to
Meta.
This reminds me of the
time I was at a function
with Mark Zuckerberg.
I Meta snowflake feminist
cunt.


Everyone is going on
about Facebook changing
it's name... Does it really
Meta.


Judging by the way
Extinction Rebellion
and Insulate Britain are
treated with kid gloves
by the police. I think you
can finally get away with
wanking on the bus, so
long as you say it's to
raise climate awareness.


BREAKING NEWS :

Malaysian doctor says
he's created the world's
first unisex condom that
can be attached to a penis
or vagina.
Not for me.
I wouldn't know whether I
was coming or going.


Hot White And The Seven
Dwarfs.
Stabby, Thievey, Junkie,
Lazy, Dealy, Rapey and
Bangbangy.
Let's see Disney make this
fucker.


The case for Scottish
Independence : The
English will never have to
listen to bagpipes again.


BREAKING NEWS : France
threatens to block British
boats from ports.
Never noticed those
cheese-eating surrender
monkeys threatening to
stop our boats at Gold or
Sword on 6th June 1944..

[Piper]

I hear Arnold
Schwarzenegger is filming
in Glasgow today.
Kindergarten COP26...


The climate change
conference COP26 begins
in the Scottish city of
Glasgow today.
And I note the usual
suspects are in
attendance.
Doc-Grumpy-Bashful-
Sleepy-Happy-Sneezy-
Dopey.
No Queen and Greta playing
Snow White...


Apparently next years
COP meeting will be in
Beverly Hills.


BREAKING NEWS :
BREXIT Britain is set to
become a global leader in
state-of-the-art solid-state
battery technology.
Is this a wind-up?


The wife asked if I had an
invitation to COP 26. I said
"Of course not why would
I?" she said, "because your
emissions are apauling


World leaders turning
up in Glasgow must be
thinking to themselves...
" Global warming? It's
fucking freezing and
pissing with rain. "


Windsor Castle's resident
clockmaster spends an
entire weekend turning
the estate's 1,500 clocks
back.
Takes 361 days to recover

[Piper]

Greta Thunberg asked me
what we should do about
climate change. I said
'Stop the horny cunts from
breading so much' as I
pointed to the kebab shop
and the paki shop and the
Bangladesh restaurant.


I was watching Greta
Thunberg on the box last
night and despite being
momentarily distracted,
I couldn't stop thinking
about climax change.


'Queen spotted driving at
Balmoral after doctors
advise her to rest'
She really should follow
the advise and maybe
even do some putting or a
9 iron at the most.


A Climate change lecture
from Prince Charles.
How about we remove the
extreme overuse of the
planet's resources...
Like the monarchy, eh
Charlie.


COP26?
Good cop or bad cop?


Wot a total cop out 26


New Zealand votes long
tailed bat as best bird in
bird of the year contest..
You may be suprised at
them voting a mammal as
bird of the year.
I'm not, in this day and age
you think it's a bird but
when you get it's knickers
off you haven't a fucking
clue what the fuck it's
supposed to be.

[Piper]

Israeli minister
complains about lack
of wheelchair access
at climate change.
If they want to play that
game everyone else should
complain about their
lots of contribution to air
pollution in the 1930s-40s.


Why did Johnny Depp get
in trouble for swearing?
Because Amber Heard.


Kim Kardashian and Pete
Davidson are behaving
as just pals, according to
body language experts.
Kim is asking people
to stop looking into her
private life.
And go back to watching
her sex tape.


Seeing the news that
Jennifer Lopez got back
together with Ben Affleck
gives hope to all us
talentless alcoholics.
Ben was probably pretty
happy about it too.


I've seen an advert for
a new movie about the
Williams 'sisters' with Will
Smith as their dad, and
he says to them before
the tennis match, "There's
a reason you're going to
beat all these girls"
High testosterone
levels and undescended
testicles would be my
guess.


The wild love story of
rocker Ozzy Osbourne
and Sharon Osbourne will
be the subject of a new
feature film from Sony
pictures and Polygram out
in 2022.
When reached for
comment, Ozzy said,
"asyfqwuqfqpoirhporgoqw
loqfhpwqw



In the words of The WHO
That deaf, dumb and blind
kid, shouldn't have had the
Covid shot.


We've had Superman,
Supergirl, gay Superman
next it'll be Supertrans...
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is
it a bloke?


BREAKING NEWS :
Elton John cannot get in
or out of a car.
Goodbye Yellow Brick
Road.


BREAKING NEWS :
Elton John cannot get in
or out of a car.
At least he's STILL
STANDING.


Most rock legends
of the 60s and 70s died
young because of their
utterly reckless behaviour.

Jim Morrison used to
snort heaps amounts of
cocaine.

Keith Moon washed down
his anti-alcoholism pills
with champagne

And Marc Bolan let his
missus drive.


I saw an advert for
Amazon prime where
they of course now have
a black girl as "Rapunzel"
Who's waiting on her
"Prince to come, and he
never shows up so instead
she does nothing but
online shopping.
It made sense to me
on many levels why that
Prince never showed up.


Just been kicked out of
dermatology school.
Apparently a guillotine
is not the best way to
remove black heads.

[Piper]

For COP26 I've come up
with an invention that
helps with both carbon
emissions and the
destruction of rainforests.
The solar-powered
Chainsaw.


I'm not a climate change
denier. Far from it.
I looked out of the window
this morning and it
was sunny. The climate
changed an hour or so
later and it started raining.
It happens.


Benefits Agency
Investigators are currently
questioning witnesses
in the Windsor area after
reports of a recidivist
scrounger spotted
driving around instead
of remaining in bed as
directed by medical staff.
"It's not just her" said one
angry investigator "the
whole bloody family most
of whom are perfectly fit,
persistently avoid work
and rely on lavish state
handouts."


Ten years ago when
Barack Obama was US
president in May 2011
he and his wife Michelle
were on a visit to Ireland,
both were drinking a pint
of Guinness at a pub in
Moneygall, Co. Offaly.
At one point to which
Barack announces that
Guinness tastes mucn
better in Ireland than it
does in the states.
He's not wrong there
considering that he forgot
to mention to everyone
that if he drinks enough
pints it also makes
Michelle look a lot more
like an actual woman than
looking like a modified
version of Serena Williams.


It's the 4th of November
and lots of people are
excitedly stashing
explosives in their house.
Muslim cunts mostly.

[Piper]

During this Grand last
chance, Climate change,
Sabe the planet, Global
Leaders Summit...
The people of Glasgow,
for bonfire night, are
going to set alight the
thousands of tons of
rubbish, across the city,
that hasn't been collected
for weeks because of
striking bin men.
Right in front of the world
stage, you can't make this
up.
Welcome to the shitshow
Greta.


Yorkshire County Cricket
Club are institutionally
racist: There : that wasn’t
so hard, was it? For
years, Yorkshire enabled,
tolerated and normalised
a dressing-room culture
of racist discourse.
They failed to create a
welcoming environment
for Muslims and other
ethnic minorities. They
continued and continue
to employ staff who have
made racist comments.
And just like that, I'm into
cricket.


KKK.. emblem.
. White head cover.
Yorkshire cricket
club.. emblem..
White Rose...
The clues were there.


Fireworks displays are a lot
like sex. You really look
forward to it but then it
just goes on too long and
you just want it to be over.
Then you look around and
see your kids crying.
And you're like I'm glad we
don't have to do this for
another 12 months.


Just come out of the train
station in Bradford, and
fuck me! It's like Beirut.
Loads of fireworks going
off as well for some
reason.


-Greta Thunbag gives UN
climate summit a failing
grade.
Similar to the one she got
when she was 15 in the
last year of school that
she somehow couldn't
fucking finish.


Climate change is getting
worse. A only two year
ago Greta Thundericeberg
angrily walked out of
COP25. Now in Glasgow
at COP26 she has to
storm out.


Microwave explodes in
Edinburgh cafe.
Okay but then did Elrika Eleniak pop
out of a cake?