What's your sickest joke?

**Bikkie** · 24th April 2018, 06:35

My role in Scotland Yard
CD is a DCI specialising in
forensic profiling and interrogation.
I received training in deep psychology
and crime analysis by the
Behavioural Science unit of FBI.
When we lack hard evidence we employ
certain techniques to ascertain the
culpability of a suspect.We merit
each case on an individual basis but
apply generalisations derived from
decades of research into humam psychology.
The main questions we ask ourselves to
determine gulit are:

1 Does the crime scene signature
match the suspects psychological needs?

2 Are they being evasive to confrontation
in relation to the crime?

3 Is their body language defensive of
incogruent to the answers?

4 Do they have a passive reaction to accusation?

5 Is there a tendency to minimise the victimisation
of the crime and the hypothetical punity?

6 Does the facial mirco expressions reveal
emotions that correlate to guilt?

7 Most importantly are they black?

**Bikkie** · 5th May 2018, 06:50

Paddy decides to take
up boxing and goes
for the required
medical.A few days
later the doctor
phones him and says,
"Paddy I'm afraid to
inform you that
you've got sugar
diabetes." Paddy
replies,"Doesn't
matter to me,when
do I fight the twat?"

After years of
threating to leave,
last night my wife
finally broke my
heart.She's staying.

Vandals have attacked
the National Origami
Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you
updated as the story
unfolds.

When me and my
mates go out on the
pull. I'm known as
"The cat" It's not
because I'm sleek and
stealthy,or anything
like that.when I turn
up the birds scatter.

**Bikkie** · 6th May 2018, 06:46

My girlfriend just
admitted that she
used to be christian.
So I broke up with
her.It might seem
judgemental,but I've
only known her since
she was christine.

I accidentally bumped
into some cross eyed
woman today,she
said,"You should look
where your going!"
I said,"Yeah,and you
should go where your
looking!"

**Bikkie** · 8th May 2018, 07:25

According to the news,
Elton John has put on
so much weight recently,
he is having to have his
trousers specially made
for him.Time to say
"Goodye normal jeans then,
Elton."

My neighour has at
last forgiven me for
flashing my bum at
her she's over the moon.

Two Muslims are out driving one
day in Rotterham,when they get
pulled over by a copper.The cop
approaches their vehicle and says
to the driver Abdul "Sorry to pull you
over but we're looking for a couple
of child molesters." The two Muslims
look at each other for a few moments
and have a few quiet words with each
other.Driver Adbul turns back to the
cop and says,"Alright officer well do it."

I was invited to attend a lesbian rally.
Two hours of shit driving?
No thanks.

When watching lesbian porn,add to
the atmoshere by having an open
tin of tuna nearby.

A lesbian goes to a nutritionist
because she has indigestion.
The nutritionist says,"Its simple
you are what you eat." So the
lesbian turns to her and says,
"Are you calling me a cunt?"

**Bikkie** · 11th May 2018, 07:25

I play in a rock band
called Dyslexia.We're
just released a
compilation ablum of
our greatest shit.

I was a DJ last night
at the annual disco for
the National Dyslexic
Association.Made the
mistake of playing
YMCA-It was
fucking mayhem.

Good...A gorgeous
girl hugs you Bad...
you get an erection.
Worse...You realise
it's not yours.
Worst...Now you've
got an erection.

Jack and Jill went up
the hill,so Jack could
lick Jills fanny.Jack
got a shock and a
mouthful of cock
cause Jill was a
fucking Tranny.

I lost my job at the
laundromat
today.
Apparently,our
policy of separating
the whites from the
coloureds doesn't
include telling Pakis
and Niggers to fuck
off.

**Bikkie** · 12th May 2018, 05:02

Just got a copy of Pirates Of
The Caribbean and I'm taking
it back..I put the disc in and
the first thing it told me
was that it was illegal to
watch pirate movies.

Pulled a gypsy bird
last night,she asked
me did I want to go
back to hers for a
good time.She wasn't
fucking kidding.I went on the doggems,
waltzers,ghost train
and came home with a
goldfish...

Me and my mate had
a car boot challenge
to see who could get
the cheapest item.I
got an A-Z of London
for 25p.He paid 15p
for an abacus with no
beads.Surely that
doesn't count?

I remember the first
time I had sex.As she
unzipped my jeans
and pulled out my
cock she said,"Is that
all you've got?" I
said,"Yeah,why,how
many cocks did you
expect me to have?"

Apparently when
placing ads on a dating
site one should be
slightly romantic or
flitty and display a
sense of humour.I
like oriental girls so I
placed an ad on a
relevant site
beginning with the
line....Yellow....is it
me you're looking for?....hmm still
no replies as yet.

**Bikkie** · 13th May 2018, 05:57

To mum Happy Mothers day!
For old times sake,let me
suck on them tits again.
Lots of love Jon xx

I just watched a DVD
called Bald and Barely
Legal.So there I was
sitting...cock in hand
only to realise it was
a DVSA documentary
about mimimum
fucking tyre tread
depths.

I was having sex with my wife last
night when she suddenly yelled
"Dave get your cock out of my
arse!" "Just relax." I said,"You
might like it." "Relax?" she
screamed,"What the fuck is Dave
doing here?"

Don't buy
expensive ribbed
condoms,just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas
inside it before you put it on.

So I called up a chinse takeaway
last night.Someone answered and
said,"Herro I'm wan king the chef."
So I said,"Oh sorry to disturb,I'll
call back later."

I wonder how many calories women
burn by jumping to conclusions?

A recent survey has said that gay
men dress better than any other
men......of course they do! What
else have they been doing in the
closet all this time?

**Bikkie** · 19th May 2018, 05:38

I got up for a piss in
the night and noticed a
paki sneaking around
in the next doors garden,
suddenly my neighbour came from
nowhere and twatted him
around the head with a shovel,
killing him instantly.He then
began to dig a grave with
the shovel and bury him.
Astonished I got back into
bed.My wife said,"Darling
you're shaking,what's the
matter?" "You'll never
believe what I've just seen."
I replied,"That cunt next
door has still got my
fucking shovel!!!"

When I was a kid,my dad
sat me down and showed
me pictures of why I
should always wear a
condom.Funny thing is,
they were all just pictures of me.

Muslim bucket list:
Bucket,water,soap
wash cleaning cars
at traffic lights.

I'm not saying my blonde
girlfriend's thick but she thinks
Iran is an apple treadmill machine.

BMW..fix the indicators on your
car during this recall I'm not
a fucking medium.

A man is lying in bed in a hospital
with an oxygen mask on "Nurse are
my testicles black?" nurse replies
"I don't know,I"m only here to wash
your hands and feet." He struggles
again to ask "Nurse are my testicles black?"
She pulls back the covers,raises his gown,
holds his cock in her hand and takes a
closer look at his balls and say,"There's
nothing wrong with them" Finally
the man pulls off his oxygen mask
and gasps,"That was very nice,but
are...my...test...results...back?"

**Bikkie** · 20th May 2018, 05:33

I'm not calling her a slut.
I'm just saying she's had
more balls in her mouth
than a Hungry Hungry Hippos.

How do you find Will Smith
in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.

**Bikkie** · 22nd May 2018, 07:09

In the 1960's The Beatles sang
"All You Need Is Love." But
as a lot of celebrities have been
finding out,even back then you
also needed consent.

( Found this on the net )

This isn't a joke,just
an actual true story,
something I thought you
fellow readers would
enjoy...When I was a
kid my first job was
working weekends in
Blockbusters.My Greek
grandmother used to
have me over for dinner,
and through her thick
accent she would ask
"how iz de blackbastards?"
I never corrected her.

My wife gives me oral
every night before I go
to sleep.Nagging cow!

**Bikkie** · 24th May 2018, 09:22

The Eveining Standard reports
that Victoria Beckham has been
mocked for her "Miserable Royal
Wedding Face." Yeah right on.
On every other day it's just
know as Her Face.

Three pictures have been
released today of the
royal wedding.They should
have been released yesterday,
but the photographer had a
fucker of a job telling
the prints from the negatives.

I felt really patriotic and
nostalgic after the royal wedding.
It was the first time the UK
had made a black princess since
british Leyland shut down!

Meghan Markle showed she
had a sense of humour
During her wedding ceremony
she said,"For richer or poorer."

Meghan Markle said she wants
to be a "Queen of hearts"
The rest of us see her as
the spade that loves clubs
and diamonds.

**Bikkie** · 26th May 2018, 06:49

90% of dogs in korea
are inbred....like in
a sandwich or something.

I was at the bus stop
eating a pie..There
was an old lady with a
little dog that was
jumping up at me
panting and whining
for my pie."Do you
mind if I throw your
dog a bit" I asked
"Not at all" she said
smiling so I grabbed
the yapping little cunt
and threw it across
the fucking road.

"Dad is it true you
suck cock and take it
up the arse? "Good
heavens son,who on
Earth has told you
that?
"My other dad
Elton."

I went into a pub with
my wife and asked
the barman for a
pint of larger and
something suitable
for the wife. "So
then,tha'll be a pint
of larger and a pint of
bitter then." he said.

Apparently men think
about sex every
seven seconds.
Luckily I wrote this in
sex.

We call my alcoholic
uncle the exorcist.
Everytime he visits
he rids the house of
spirits.

**Bikkie** · 27th May 2018, 06:48

SKY News are reporting that
300 million euros worth of
priceless art has been
stolen from a museum in
paris.
Wait a sec.If it's 300
million worth of priceless
art it is not really
priceless...Is it?

My grilfriend just asked
me,"When we go to Egypt
can we go on a camel?"
I said,"As you wish fine."
and booked it for her.
She's going tomorrow....I'm
leaving in three weeks
and fucking flying there.

When my new south African
girlfriend said she couldn't
get enough jizz I didn't
need any promping.
I got my cock out and sprayed
my hot man juice all over
her face.Now she's my
ex-girlfriend....appartently,she
meant music like Miles Davis
and Charlie Parker.

I was arguing with someone
about Islam and Hala food and
they said,"Throwing bacon
at a Muslim is as offensive
as throwing dog shit at them."
Anyway,long story short,I'm
now saving a fortune on bacon....

**Bikkie** · 29th May 2018, 07:08

I FUCKING HATE
THOSE BLACK
BASTARDS! THE
WHITES SHOULD
DEFEAT THEM
ALL!...anyway
enough talk about chess
lets talk about how
racist attitudes are
destroying harmony
in modern culture.

My wife says she's
leaving me because
she's never seen me
sober.Fucking hell,I
got married.

Aboomerang is just a
frisbee for people with
no friends.

I said to grandad,"I
had my mates round
last night,we ordered
a load of pizzas and
had a game of poker."
"Domino"?" he asked.
I sad,"No poker,you
deaf cunt."

Annoy the woman at
the airport checking
desk when they ask
"Window or isle?" by
replying "Window or
you'll do what?"

**Bikkie** · 30th May 2018, 08:18

The bride and groom
get back to the bridal
suite and Meghan strips
naked in front of Harry
and says,"Darling,will
you love me always?"
"Sounds good to me"
says Harry "I'll try
your arsehole first."