We have Evian - water
you pay for that you can
drink for free and Nivea,
which claims to revitalise
skin that can be done by
drinking Evian.
When the next COVID-19
variant is announced they
might as well go straight
to the point and call it Navie.


I had to go to my son's
school and they had a big
fucking banner up reading,
"Real Superheroes wear
Masks!"
The female teacher was
absolutely fucking livid
with me when I loudly
commented, "And these
days they've turned our
Superheroes into faggots
too".


George Benson "Turn Your
Love Around" or The Anal
song as I call it.


I love the story of Santa
Claus because it brings
together my two favorite
things.
Being a part of a mass
conspiracy and lying to
children.


I worked with a Jewish
bloke once. He asked me
a question and I didn't
know, so I told him to talk
to the boss, Kyle. It was
loud, so I had to shout.
"SEE KYLE! SEE KYLE!".
I was sacked for some
reason.


what’s the difference
between a Pakistani
wedding and a 69?
You only have to kiss
one smelly cunt with a 69!


The answer may not lie
at the bottom of a bottle
but I always like to check
anyway.


Hey hey mama said the
way you move gonna
make you sweat gonna
make you groove. I sing
this to every Black Dog I
cop off with.


Sticks and stones may
break my bones
But whips and chains
excite me.


Centuries ago sacrifices
were made at the altar.
A practice known today as
marriage vows.


My kid: Daddy, where does
Piers Morgan come from?
Me: Well, when a BMW
an Audi, a LandRover and
a pick-up truck meet at a
crossroads, the arseholes
behind the wheel combine
to form one giant
arsehole. Then he gets
on the telly and becomes
Piers Morgan.


On the school-run this
morning, my two teenage
daughter's were debating
which tasted the saltiest-
Walkers or Seabrook's.
It wasn't until later I
realised the truth.
Mr Walker teaches
Geography and Mr
Seabrook does RE.